C. J. Quotes in Scary Movie 4 (2006)

Tom Ryan: Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!

C. J.: Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.

Mahalik: Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?

C. J.: Yeah.

Mahalik: She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.

Tom Ryan: Uh...

C. J.: [C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?

Mahalik: 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!

Tom Ryan: Guys, I'm trying to ask...

C. J.: [C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.

Mahalik: No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!

Tom Ryan: Uh, guys...

C. J.: [C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.

Mahalik: Unless... you a zombie.

C. J.: Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.

Mahalik: I'm gonna put that on MySpace.

C. J.: You do that!

C. J.: [Mahalik reaches over C.J. for a bag of nuts] Hey, what you doing?

Mahalik: Relax man. I'm just trying to grab some nuts.

Mahalik: [reaches over Mahalik for his bag of peanuts] C.J., what are you doin'?

C. J.: I just wanna eat some peanuts.

Mahalik: Huh?

C. J.: [holds up a bag of peanuts] See? Peanuts.

C. J.: Zombies!

Mahalik: Grandma? The zombies have got my grandma!

[Mahalik grabs his grandma and starts shaking her]

Mahalik: Die, Grandma! Die! Die! I loved you! I loved you!

C. J.: We caught a lot of fish.

Mahalik: Yeah. Black cod.

Mahalik: Hey. You cold?

C. J.: L-Little bit.

[On the Chicken Ranch Scandal]

C.J.: All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!

C.J.: Next day... I woke up and... both my eyes were swelled up.

John Klein: What did the Doctor say?

Holly: He couldn't explain it.

C.J.: You see this one here? It ain't never healed.