Buffy Quotes in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

[Amilyn has lost an arm]

Amilyn: We're immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.

Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.

Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it's swell. And you come along and tell me I'm a member of the hairy mole club so you can *throw* things at me?

[after punching Merrick]

Buffy: Oh, wow. I-I never hit anybody before.

Merrick: Really? Well you did it perfectly.

Buffy: I didn't even break a nail.

Buffy: Does the word "duh" mean anything to you?

Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That's just terrific. Thanks for telling me.

Buffy: Pike isn't a name, it's a fish.

Buffy: I have something that the other girls didn't have.

Merrick: And what might that be, pray?

Buffy: My keen fashion sense!

Merrick: Oh, vampires of the world beware.

Lothos: [Buffy holds up a cross] This is your defense? Puh-lease. Your puny faith?

Buffy: No.

[the cross ignites in flames and she tosses the cap off a hairspray can]

Buffy: My keen fashion sense.

[she sprays the flames, shooting them at his face]

Buffy: Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you to do things? Do you see spots?

Buffy: Merrick, you made a Joke. Are you okay? Do You want to lie down? I know it hurts the first time

Buffy: I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a *school night*.

Buffy: Don't worry. They can't come in unless they're invited.

Kimberly: I already invited 'em.

[Buffy looks at her]

Kimberly: They're seniors!

Nicole: Buff, I don't see why we have to invite every single senior.

Buffy: Because it's the senior dance. It's just a shot in the dark.

Lothos: You and I are one.

Buffy: One what? Cute couple? I don't THINK so.

Buffy: Are you okay?

Pike: I can't move my legs.

Buffy: Why?

Pike: 'Cause you're sittin' on them.

Buffy: You left me a message?

Jeffrey: You weren't home! Like always.

Buffy: You broke up with my machine?

Buffy: You threw a knife at my head!

Merrick: Yes, I had to show you.

Buffy: But... you *threw* a *knife* at my *head.*

Merrick: And you caught it. Only the chosen one could have caught it.

Merrick: [Trying to explain that Buffy's a vampire slayer] I've searched the entire world for you, Buffy. To bring you... your birthright.

Buffy: My birthright?

[Slightly excited]

Buffy: You mean, like a trust fund?

Nicole: You got a C-plus? I can't believe I cheated off of you.

Buffy: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I'm ever going to Spain anyway.

Buffy: Three weeks ago, all I thought about was... well I didn't actually think about anything.

Merrick: None of the other girls ever gave me this much trouble.

Buffy: And where are they now? Hello!

Pike: Buffy, you're the guy. You are the chosen guy.

Buffy: Right. I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.

Buffy: [Merrick has taken Buffy to the graveyard] D'you have any gum?

Buffy: Excuse much! Rude or anything?

Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.

Nicole: The homelesses?

Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.

Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren't too depressing?

Buffy: Guys. The environment. I'm telling you, it's totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting's doing it.

Merrick: And you're going to be able to use that to track them.

Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That's just terrific. Thanks for telling me.

Merrick: It's not a weapon. It's an alert system.

Buffy: Well, aren't we kung fu? I don't see you out there killing any vampires.

Merrick: I play my part.

Buffy: You can play with your part all you want, but it's my neck on the block.

Kimberly: Buffy? What's your sitch? You're acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It's too weird.

Buffy: Listen, a lot's been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-...

Kimberly: Oh my god, you're having an affair?

Nicole: Cool!

Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?

Buffy: It's not about that. He's, like, old. He's fifty.

Kimberly, Nicole, Jennifer: Ewwwww!

Jennifer: Gross!

Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?

Nicole: What are you talking about?

Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?

Buffy: Pike.

Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you're having an affair with him?

Jennifer: He doesn't look fifty.

Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.

Buffy: Is that your van?

Pike: Yeah, it was. It's still...

Shambling Vampire: BluaaaahUGH!

Buffy's Mom: Bye-Bye Bobby!

Jeffrey: Bye! She thinks my name is Bobby?

Buffy: It's possible she thinks *my* name's Bobby.

Buffy's Mom: [Buffy walks in late] Do you know what time it is?

Buffy: Uh... around ten?

Buffy's Mom: [looks at her watch] I *knew* this thing was slow. You pay a fortune for something...

[shouts to Buffy's father]

Buffy's Mom: Honey, come on, we're gonna be late!

Buffy: I thought that look was over.

Kimberly: Well, it's Retro.

Buffy's Dad: Ok Honey, be good.

[Kisses Buffy]

Buffy's Dad: And stay away from the Jag!

Buffy: Good bye.

Buffy: It's a stupid dance with stupid people I see every stupid day!

Merrick: None of the other girls ever gave me this much trouble.

Buffy: And where are they now?

Biker: Hey babe. You want to get some real power between your legs?

Buffy: Yeah, I do.

[steals his motorcycle]

Biker: Dyke! You're a dyke! I'm telling the world!

Merrick: You do everything wrong.

Buffy: Sorry.

Merrick: No. Do it wrong. Don't play our game.

[a candy-striper, with a 'Buffy' nametag, approaches Violet who's hauling a dead corpse on a gurny under a sheet]

Buffy: Excuse me. Could you tell me where the coffee shop is?

Violet Newstead: [nervous tone] The what?

Buffy: The coffee shop.

Violet Newstead: The coffee shop? No, I'm new here, I don't drink coffee.

Buffy: I'm new here too. Where do you work?

Violet Newstead: Uh... downstairs.

Buffy: In the morgue?

Violet Newstead: [nervous tone] Yes, that's right!

Buffy: [looks at the body on the gurny] How did he... ?

Violet Newstead: Coffee... too much coffee. I'm just taking him out for some air. Uh, I mean fresh air for me, he's just coming along for the ride.

[Buffy gasps]

Violet Newstead: *What?*

Buffy: Oh, you're a doctor! I'm sorry, I didn't see your badge.

[Violet looks at the badge and finally realizes that the white lab coat she's stolen is a doctor's]

Violet Newstead: Oh yeah... I'm a doctor. So why the hell am I talking to you? Piss off!

Nursing Home Owner: [enters from the kitchen; angry tone] Who took the chocolate cakes? Buffy! Kool! Mark!

Buffy: [to himself] Damn!

Kool: [to himself] Shit!

Markie: [to himself] Busted!

Nursing Home Owner: Okay now, there were sixteen chocolate cakes in that refrigerator. Where are they?

Kool: [mumbling] I don't know.

Nursing Home Owner: I have had it up to here! This is the fifth time that's happened in a week.

Markie: [Markie, Buffy, and Kool are all pointing at each other saying] It was him.

Nursing Home Owner: Now, if any of you didn't do it, then who had the keys to the refrigerator?

Buffy: Not me.

[suddenly, the keys that one of them have drop to the floor]

Nursing Home Owner: What was that?

Kool: What was what?

Nursing Home Owner: Ah, pick those up!

Kool: [watching a couple of girls skinny dipping] What do you think?

Buffy: Too skinny.

Kool: Too damn skinny. You can see their bones and stuff, they look like bicycles. I want a woman that looks like a Cadillac.

Buffy: I know what you mean.

Sgt. Bledsoe: Now, you boys better talking some sense, or I'm gonna have to use the Florida lie detector.

Buffy: What's a Florida lie detector?

[a huge cop with a baseball bat enters the room]

Sgt. Bledsoe: A Florida lie detector is a 300-pound white man... with a baseball bat.

[Buffy and Kool are in a squad car being driven to a unknown destination by the huge cop and the racist Sgt. Bledsoe]

Buffy: Uh... look mister officer, Sergeant Bledsoe, sir. I want to point out an unfair situation here.

Huge Cop: [turns towards them] Shut your fat ugly face!

[both Buffy and Kool look at each other with dread]

Buffy: Kool, we gotta find a way to get away... now. These guys are gonna kick our asses, man!

Kool: Yeah, while we're gonna be hurt, Albert's gonna be dead!

Buffy: What happened!

Phil: Oh Clouds-on-Fire's old truck's on fire.

Buffy: That's a major point of incompatibility between us, because I certainly wouldn't think of drinking a Martini without an olive in it.

Buffy: Do you wanna have a threesome?

Boy: He died in a mental institution. Melancholia, so I'm told.

Buffy: Your great, great grandfather? So that makes you...?

Boy: One eighth Hopi and prone to depression. (pause) Dark blood in my veins. Got some dark blood yourself. You're familiar with... the dark side of things.