Jennifer Quotes in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.

Nicole: The homelesses?

Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.

Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren't too depressing?

Buffy: Guys. The environment. I'm telling you, it's totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting's doing it.

Kimberly: Buffy? What's your sitch? You're acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It's too weird.

Buffy: Listen, a lot's been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-...

Kimberly: Oh my god, you're having an affair?

Nicole: Cool!

Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?

Buffy: It's not about that. He's, like, old. He's fifty.

Kimberly, Nicole, Jennifer: Ewwwww!

Jennifer: Gross!

Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?

Nicole: What are you talking about?

Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?

Buffy: Pike.

Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you're having an affair with him?

Jennifer: He doesn't look fifty.

Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.

Jennifer: Oh, tell me what you look like.

William "Billy" Tepper: Uh, well... I've got blonde hair, and um, I wear an earring in my left ear, I'm about 5'9", 150 pounds... did I mention I'm black?

Jennifer: You sound very sexy, Steve. I like long, blond hair on a black man. I've also got long, blond hair. I'm not black, but I'm very, very tan. I'm wearing black lace bra and panties that feel really *hot* against my skin. Would you like me to take my bra off?

William "Billy" Tepper: Yes. yes, please.

Jennifer: Perhaps... some things are best forgotten.

Alan: Perhaps.

[while imprisoned in a pig pen]

Jennifer: I was told not to eat the fish up here, because of the pollution.

Jennifer: Hello, dear hostage takers. My name is Jennifer and I am here for you. Together we can overcome this crisis, as long as we trust each other.

[Bennie shoots her through her megaphone]

Marty McFly: Where are we? When are we?

Doc: We're descending toward Hill Valley, California, at 4:29 pm, on Wednesday, October 21st, 2015.

Marty McFly: 2015? You mean we're in the future?

Jennifer: Future? Marty, what do you mean? How can we be in the future?

Marty McFly: Uh, Jennifer, um, I don't know how to tell you this, but I... you're in a time machine.

Jennifer: And this is the year '2015'?

Doc: October 21st, 2015.

[Morning arrives, Manny wakes up and feels for the baby in his trunk, only to discover that the Baby is gone. He stomps over to the sleeping Diego who wakes up with a start]

Manny: WHERE'S THE BABY?

Diego: You lost it?

[They look at each and notice Sid is not there]

Manny, Diego: [shouts] SID!

[Scene shows Sid with the baby in a jacuzzi like mud hot spring; using the baby as a 'chick magnet' to attract two female sloths]

Rachel: Oh, he's lovely. Positively adorable!

Jennifer: [baby-talking to the baby] Hello Pumpkin. Hello, little bunny baby...

Rachel: [to Sid] Where did you find it?

Sid: Ah, poor kid was all alone in the wild. Sabers were cornering him, So I just snatched it!

Rachel: Oh, so brave of you!

Sid: Yeah, well... He needed me...

[wistfully]

Sid: And I wished I had one of my own, too...

Jennifer: [excited] REALLY?

[she calms herself down]

Jennifer: I'm... I'm attracted that quality in a male.

Sid: [unaware that the baby is sinking into the mud hot spring] Who wouldn't be?

Rachel: [gushing] You caring for a baby...

Sid: [notices that Roshan the baby is gone and pulls the muddy baby up] Yeah, well... You know...

[the baby playfully throws mud on Sid's face; they both laugh]

Sid: [as he grabs something to wipe the mud off his face] Cute kid, huh? So, as I was saying ladies... uh...

[wipes the 'something' on his face, which is Manny's trunk; he realizes and gasps]

Sid: Oh, hey! Hey... Manny!

Manny: [taking the giggling baby away] What's the matter with you?

Rachel: He's not much to look at, but it's so hard to find a family man these days.

Jennifer: Tell me about it. All of the sensitive ones get eaten.

Jennifer: ...And now I believe that you can do anything.

Pistachio Disguisey: Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example, I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto...

Jennifer: Love Cake?

Pistachio Disguisey: What?

Jennifer: You said "Love Cake"!

Pistachio Disguisey: Why would I say that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny!

Jennifer: What?

Pistachio Disguisey: What I was trying to say is that I have a present for Barney.

[hands her knee pads]

Pistachio Disguisey: Tell him they are from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.

[Jennifer is reading back Dr. von Altermann's dictation]

Jennifer: It is my hypothesis that metabolism, although vital to prenatal and adolescent development, is not essential in later life.

Benjamin: Eat that nutstrap, BIACH!

Jennifer: Benjamin?

Jennifer: Thanks for sharing the Holiday spirit, psycho.

Davey Stone: Over there's my family home...

Jennifer: And the woods we used to roam...

Whitey: The only time I had sex was on the phone...

Phone Sex Lady: [Cut to room full of BDSM stuff and a subtitle that says 1-888-BOOBIES] But that was long ago.

Davey Stone: I carved our name upon that tree...

Jennifer: I loved him and he loved me...

Mayor: My darling wife was once a he...

Old Lady, Bus Driver & Mayor's Wife: [Guy with a stuble, dress, and blond wig] But that was long ago.

Eleanor Duvall: You're an animal.

Davey Stone: And you're bald!

[rips her wig off]

Eleanor Duvall: Not again.

[faints]

Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.

Davey Stone: Good, your house SUCKS!

Jennifer: Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?

Davey Stone: That's my problem!

[tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head]

Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi

Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.

Young Woman: So, you must be Lucy's friend. The one who made the tape.

Lucy: I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?

Henry: Yes, ma'am.

Stacy: So every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it... then you get her to fall in love with you again?

Henry: Yes, ma'am.

Stacy: [softly, almost beneath her breath] Gosh!

[a longing sigh, then back slaps her husband's chest right over his heart]

Stacy: You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.

Jennifer: [everyone breaks out in laughter] You're in trouble!

[even more laughter]

Jennifer: I gotta go tinkle.

Betty Parker: Mary Sue?

Jennifer: Yeah?

Betty Parker: What goes on up at Lover's Lane?

Jennifer: What do you mean?

Betty Parker: Well, you hear these things lately... kids spending so much time up there. Uh, is it holding hands? That kind of thing?

Jennifer: Yeah! That and...

Betty Parker: What?

Jennifer: It doesn't matter.

Betty Parker: No, I wanna know.

Jennifer: Well, sex.

Betty Parker: Oh. What's sex?

[after Mary Sue explains to Betty about sex]

Jennifer: Are you okay?

Betty Parker: Um, yes. It's, uh, just that your father would never do anything like that.

Jennifer: Ahhhh.

Betty Parker: Mmm.

Jennifer: Well, you know, Mom, there are other ways to enjoy yourself... without Dad.

Jennifer: Hey, can I ask you a question?

David: Sure.

Jennifer: How come I'm still in black and white?

David: What?

Jennifer: I've had, like, ten times as much sex as the rest of these girls, and I still look like this. I mean, they spend, like, an hour in the back seat of some car and all of a sudden they're in Technicolor?

David: I don't know. Maybe it's not just the sex.

Jennifer: This place gives me the creeps! Did you know that the books are blank?

David: What?

Jennifer: Yeah, I was in the library and I looked, and they have covers and there's nothing inside of them.

David: What were you doing in a library?

Jennifer: I got lost.

Skip: Mary Sue, I think I should go home now.

Jennifer: Why what's wrong?

Skip: I think I might be

[looking down]

Skip: ... ill. Somethings happening to me.

Jennifer: [looking with him] That's supposed to happen.

Skip: It is?

Jennifer: Yeah, trust me.

Skip: [townspeople are burning library books] Mary Sue, it's better this way!

Jennifer: This is the only book I've ever read in my whole life, and you're not going to put it on that fire!

David: They're happy like this.

Jennifer: No, David. Nobody's happy in a poodle skirt and a sweater set.

Skip: I'll see you at school, Mary Sue.

[Jennifer smiles as Skip drives away]

Jennifer: Who's that?

David: Skip Martin, captain of the basketball team.

Jennifer: Does he like me?

David: As a matter of fact, he does.

[Jennifer's smile turns slightly lecherous]

Skip: I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I think you're just about the keenest girl in the whole school!

Jennifer: Oh, really Skip? The keenest?

Jennifer: HELLO! I've got like three pounds of underwire on here!

Jennifer: I did the slut thing, David. It got kinda old.

[the geography teacher uses a pointer to demonstrate, on the classroom blackboard, the world of Pleasantville, which consists of Elm Street, Main Street, and the Town Hall]

Miss Peters: Last week, class, we discussed the geography of Main Street. This week we're going to be talking about Elm Street. Now, can anyone tell me the difference between Elm Street and Main Street? Tommy.

Tommy: It's not as long?

Miss Peters: That's right, Tommy, it's not as long. Also, it only has houses, so the geography of Main Street is different than the geography of Elm Street.

[Jennifer is frowning in bewilderment. She raises her hand]

Miss Peters: Mary Sue!

Jennifer: Yeah. What's outside of Pleasantville?

[the entire class turns to look at her]

Miss Peters: I don't understand.

Jennifer: Outside of Pleasantville? Like, what's at the end of Main Street?

Miss Peters: [chuckles and shakes her head] Mary Sue. You should know the answer to that! The end of Main Street is just the beginning again.

[the teacher points at the intersection of Elm and Main. The class feels released to giggle at Jennifer/Mary Sue's clearly stupid question, and Jennifer frowns again]

Jennifer: Look at me! I'm pasty!

Jennifer: You can pin me anytime, Skip. Or maybe I should just pin you.

Skip: [laughs] That's silly, Mary Sue. How could you possibly pin me?

David: What can I get you two?

Skip: Well, Bud, I think I'll have my usual cheeseburger and a Cherry Coke.

Jennifer: Oh, I don't know Bud... I think I'll have a salad and an Evian water...

[Bud gives her a dirty look]

Jennifer: Cheeseburger it is!

Jennifer: [on the phone] It was so amazing, Daff! I was like, "So, my mom's gonna be out of town," and he was like, "Yeah? Well, maybe we could..." and I was like, "Yeah, sure," and he was like, "Cool,"... I know! He is so smart!

Jennifer: And I still don't see why we're doing this!

David: Because we're supposed to be in school.

Jennifer: We're supposed to be at home, David. We're supposed to be in color!

David: [placatingly] Okay, okay, okay.

Jennifer: God!

Jennifer: I knew you'd pay a price for this. I knew you couldn't be so hopelessly geek-ridden for so long without suffering some really tragic consequences.

Jennifer: I was thinking of wearing that red thing... it's not slutty!... it's fun.

Jennifer: [looking at boobs in mirror] I could, like, kill a guy with these things.

Kimmy: [about David] Oh, my God. He is, like, so pathetic. I can't believe you're, like, related to him!

Jennifer: Only on my parents' side.

Kimmy: Yeah, but you guys are, like, twins and stuff. You must be from the cool side of the uterus.

Jennifer: You listen to me for just a minute! I don't know what you've done to us, but you better fix it!

David: Shhh!

Jennifer: Fast! I had a date with Mark Davis and I even bought new underwear!

Jennifer: Hey, Nick!

Nick Brady: [aside to Shawn] Name, name, I need a name.

Shawn Colfax: Jennifer.

Nick Brady: Jennifer! Hi, how are ya?

Jennifer: I'm great, really great. Are you going to the bonfire tonight?

Nick Brady: You know it! I was just saying to my boy Shawn here, I can not wait to go to the bonfire tonight so I can hang out with...

Shawn Colfax: [whispers] Jennifer.

Nick Brady: [sings] Jennifer.

Jennifer: I'll see you tonight.

[leaves]

Nick Brady: Okay Jennifer.

Shawn Colfax: It's not that hard a name to remember.

Nick Brady: C'mon, I went out with her last semester. After thirty days the name gets erased from my brain to make room for new ones. There's like three thousand kids at this school!

Shawn Colfax: So why can't you just remember more names?

Nick Brady: I don't know how it works, bro, talk to tech-support.

Jennifer: [Addressing robots] Are you two enjoying the party?

"Mr. Darcy," robotic 'Assistant Librarian': [Synthesized speech] I'm functioning normally.

Robot: As am I.

Frank: [Addressing robots] Why don't you... mingle, together?

"Mr. Darcy," robotic 'Assistant Librarian': [Synthesized speech] I have no functions or tasks that require a verbal interaction with the VGC 60 L.

Jennifer: Mr. Darcy, that is so rude.

Jennifer: My Grandma Rose used to tell us to pray about things like this.

Madea: Then that's what you ought to do, pray about it, talk to the Lord about it. He'll help you.

Jennifer: Yeah but she only told us to pray. She never told us how. Would you teach me?

Madea: Huh?

Jennifer: Please!

Madea: Show you how to pray?

Jennifer: Yeah.

Madea: Oh, Lord, child, I ain't talked to God since the last time I saw a cop in my rearview mirror. I guess I can try. You know the number?

Jennifer: The what?

Madea: The number. To call him. They say, "Jesus On the Mainline." I don't know the number. Okay, sit back. Bow your head. First, giving honor to God, to the head of my life.

[sings]

Madea: Father, I stretch my hand... to thee. Father God. God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. God of Shadrach, Meshach and the billy goat, who was in the fiery furnace that they barbecued on the day of Pentecost when the Jewish people returned from the Sabbath day up on the mountaintop in Ethiopia. God of Mary J. Blige...

Jennifer: Madea, that doesn't sound right. That's not how Mama Rose used to do it.

Madea: You ain't feel it? You ain't feel the anointing?

Jennifer: No.

Madea: Alright. Well, look, I don't know nothing about praying. But all praying is is talking to God and having a conversation with him. And at the end, you say the name of Jesus. That's your stamp that will get it up there to him. You hear?

Jennifer: Okay.

Jennifer: You brought his insulin. I was gonna do it.

Sandino: Well, now you don't have to.

Jennifer: Why are you so nice to us?

Sandino: I don't understand that question.

Jennifer: You nice, why?

Sandino: Why not? You shold expect people to be nice to you. You shouldn't expect people to be mean.

Jennifer: Not in ths world.

Sandino: You get what you expect, right?

Jennifer: I guess.

Sandino: You do a great job with your brothers.

Jennifer: I'm all they got.

Madea: You know who you remind me of right now? You remind me of Peter. You know who Peter was? Peter was one of the twelve disciplines. And they were out on a boat near an isle in the Greek Atlantic Ocean. And when they was on this boat, a storm rose up and the twelve disciplines, they got really, really worried and upset. They said, "Oh Lord, what are we gonna do?" and they saw something coming towards them that looked like a ghost. But it wasn't a ghost. It was Jesus. And Peter said, "Jesus, if that's you then let me come out to you." You gotta be careful what you ask the Lord for. So Jesus said, "Come on out." So Peter stepped out of the boat and was walking on the water.

Jennifer: He was walking on water?

Madea: On the water. He was walking on the water toward Jesus. Long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he stayed on top of the water. He took his eyes off him though. You know why? He got distracted. You know why he got distracted? See, this is what you got to do. When you got your eye on Jesus, you can't get distracted by nothing. Jonah passed by in the belly of the whale. He looked down, Free Willy, with Jonah inside the belly and it made him distracted so he started to sink. He said, "Jesus, Jesus, help me." Jesus said, "I can't. I got to go to Calvary. I'm late." So Jesus went on to the cross. He said, "Don't worry though. I'm gonna send you a comforter. When the comforter come, you gonna be alright." So he's swimming. He try and swim. He was worried. And Jaws was coming. Spielberg did that Jaws thing. And he was surrounded. You know what happened?

Jennifer: What?

Madea: Just in the nick of time... See this is what I'm talking about, when you think you ain't gonna make it, in the nick of time, something happens. Noah came up in the arch. That's right, Noah came rowing up in the arch of St. Louis Arch. He pulled right up beside him. Peter got on there, he said, "Thank you for saving me." Noah said, "No problem, man. It's cool. What up, fool?" So he showed him around. Noah had turned the arch into a cruise ship cause he ain't have nothing to do after he saved the world. Hey, you know who was on there? Eve.

Jennifer: Eve?

Madea: She was in the VIP section. And Peter asked, he said, "Eve, come on, go to the show." So she went to see this show. They had tigers. You know, they had two tigers, two bears, two lions. You know how they had the male and the female. Well, Siegfried and Roy was there, and they had the two lions there. And them Lions jumped up and scratched Eve. That's how Eve get them two paws there. You ever see Eve with the paws? She got two paws right there. Read your Bible some time, honey. Read your Bible.

Madea: What's going on with you?

Jennifer: My grandma died.

Madea: Aw I'm sorry to hear that, baby.

Jennifer: My Aunt April's gonna send us back to foster care. They gonna separate us. I'm all Manny and Byron got. If we separate, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[sobs]

Madea: Calm yourself down, honey. Calm down. Getting all worked up.

Jennifer: Can we stay with you?

Madea: Huh?

Jennifer: Nobody wants us!

Madea: That ain't true. Somebody wants you.

Jennifer: I'm only 16. I don't know how to handle all this!

Madea: Living takes a lifetime. You got a whole lot more living to do, honey. You gonna make it. Hush, now. Gotta keep getting up every day, one day at a time. You'll make it.

Jennifer: Hi. I'm Jennifer, future Prom Queen, I'm gonna pretend to be your BFF but if you touch Rick's wang

[flicks open switch blade]

Jennifer: I'll cut you!

Ryan: What?

Jennifer: What? This. This, what is this?

Ryan: I don't know! Nothing's going on.

Jennifer: Really? Because I just ran into Megan and she told me that you broke up with her. Is that what this is about? Because I thought I told you not to tell her anything.

Ryan: Yeah, I know.

Jennifer: Well are you upset?

Ryan: No!

Jennifer: So what's going on?

Ryan: I don't know! Things are different.

Jennifer: But I thought we talked about that. Ryan, I thought that we said that we didn't want anything to be different. I thought we said that having sex was just a huge mistake and - and I mean, I mean it was weeks ago now, I thought we'd go back to being just friends, I thought that that would just...

Ryan: Why was it a mistake?

Jennifer: What?

Ryan: You and me. Why was that a mistake? I'm curious.

Jennifer: I thought we talked about it, what - you wanna go over it again?

Ryan: No, you wanna talk - let's talk. Was it a mistake because anything that even comes close to real intimacy freaks you out? Or just that I'm not good enough for you?

Jennifer: Ryan, you - you kissed me and - and I responded. But I wouldn't have done it if I thought it was gonna end our friendship.

Ryan: And neither would I.

Jennifer: Ryan, if I could take it all back, I would.

Ryan: Take it. It's yours. Put it on the shelf with all your other one-night stands.

Jennifer: Why are you doing this?

Ryan: Look, that night was as much a surprise to me as it was to you. But being with you was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after you fell asleep I just laid there, staring up at those cheap fluorescent stars you have stuck on your ceiling, and - after a while they just started forming a pattern, this weird glow-in-the-dark pattern that linked together our entire relationship. And for the first time everything seemed clear to me - like one logical progression. It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen. Nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience.

Jennifer: Ryan...

Ryan: What, what - you wanna go hang out at the library and pretend like nothing happened? I can't do that.

Jennifer: I'm sorry. I'm sorry - I don't know what to say.

Ryan: Look, you don't have to say anything. I have to go. Have fun in Italy.

Jennifer: I mean, we've all been in love, but we never know that it's not true love until it's over. So what if there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean, what if there's no such thing as true love but we're just too afraid to admit it, so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not, we keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think that we are? What if that something that we're looking for just doesn't exist?

Jennifer: I don't know what's wrong with me. I...

Ryan: Maybe you're gettin' your period.

Jennifer: [laughs] Yeah, maybe.

Jennifer: I wanna do laundry with you, Ryan.

[last lines]

Ryan: [as the plane starts takeoff] One, two, three, four...

Jennifer: You should just try breathing. It'll help you relax.

Ryan: ...seven, eight.

Jennifer: Trust me?

[he looks at her, kisses her]

Jennifer: I just made the most important decision in my entire life, and you want me to put on my seatbelt?

L.A. Flight Attendant: Yes, I do.

Jennifer: Hey, did you guys read how the zoo animals tried to reorganize their cages in alphabetical order? Apparently the aardvark started it.

Ryan: That's right but the zebras, they... they vetoed it.

Jennifer: It's like, with me in your life, you never have to try. And that's the beauty of our relationship: You'll just never get hurt again as long as you pretend I'm your girlfriend.

Ryan: I think too many differences make relationships impossible.

Jennifer: Michael and I didn't agree on anything. Ever. That's what I loved about it. We fought, shouted, had sex. I mean, that's what I miss.

Ryan: That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

Jennifer: Yeah, but what do you know about healthy relationships?

Ryan: Excuse me?

Jennifer: You should get back in the saddle.

Ryan: Ahh, no. I'm the kind of cowboy that doesn't like to ride.

Doctor Evan Rendell: [after being electrocuted] I don't feel well.

[Jennifer holds up two large sharp weapons]

Jennifer: Take two and call me in the morning!

[stabs the Doctor]

Doctor Evan Rendell: Is there a doctor in the house?

[falls over and dies]

Doctor Evan Rendell: Jennifer, it's time to take your medicine.

Jennifer: Take some of your own medicine.

[Electrocutes him]

Jennifer: You were DEAD!

Doctor Evan Rendell: I'm not THAT good of a doctor.

Jennifer: You know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Jennifer: Try not to hate me.

Justin Schumacher: I hate you more than Garfield hates Mondays.

Jennifer: I thought Garfield hated lasagna.

Justin Schumacher: Garfield loves lasagna!

Jennifer: You know, Justin might be a little kid, Kip... but he's got more balls than you'll ever have.

Kip: What, like three?

Jennifer: What I stand to lose? Gag me with a big ego and a little d...

Kip: Don't go there.

Darnell Jackson: [to Jen] You and your boyfriend can take that good bitch, bad bitch routine and and stick it right up your snutzy.

Crazy Homeless Man: Snutzy?

Jennifer: Okay. Terrified to ask what my snutzy is.

Crazy Homeless Man: I'll tell ya.

Jimmy: I know this is last minute, but will you please go to the prom with me?

Terry: Ewww!

Jennifer: Get lost, Jimmy.

Johnny: No one knows what they want Jennifer, that's the human condition.

Jennifer: Some people know what they want, I mean, they might not know how to get it but they know what they want.

Jennifer: I'm glad that wasn't a real knife.

Andy: If course it was not a real knife. We wouldn't even allow a butter knife on the set. We all know Benjamin's three simple rules to safety. One, safety to humans. Two, safety to people's property. And three, make a good movie.

Casey: Yeah, too bad he can't seem to get rule three right.

Maddy: Now the absolute proof of creephood: does he come in a friend's car? Oh, come on.

Jennifer: Maddy, Maddy, you came in my car.

Maddy: [smiling] That's different.

Jennifer: [after Hugo discovers her draining a victim] It's not what it looks like.

Hugo: You drank the guy!

Joey: We have a six hour drive tomorrow, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Yeah, and I don't want to sleep in the hearse. The hearse smells like drummer.

Sam: I heard that!

Jennifer: It's not what it looks like.

Sam: You ate beef!

Jennifer: Everyone be cool.

Tyler: Okay, we've definitely smoked PCP.

Jennifer: I can explain.

Joey: You can explain? You can explain why you're chewing on a severed arm?

Jennifer: Oh, don't be such a drama queen.

Jennifer: Nobody likes a judge.

Joey: Yeah, nobody likes a vampire either.

Jennifer: Screw you, Joey!

Joey: Screw me? Screw me? You're out of the band, Jennifer!

Tyler: She's kind of the best thing about this band right now.

Joey: Tyler!

Tyler: I'm just saying maybe you should sleep on it.

Sam: Oh my God, you really ate beef.

Jennifer: Ever hear of the decline and fall of the Roman Empire? That was our crowd.

Jennifer: 'Twould be nice to have lips... lips to whisper lies... lips to kiss man and make him suffer. Father, why cannot I have lips, and eyes, and hair?

Wallace Wooley: Now you listen to me, young lady. Come on. Get up.

Jennifer: [she stands] I'm listening, Mr. Wooley.

[he stares at her]

Jennifer: Why do you look at me that way? Oh, my dress. Do you like it?

Wallace Wooley: I-I don't know. It's such a shock to see you dressed. I mean... you're beautiful.

Jennifer: Enough to make a man fall in love?

Wallace Wooley: Mere physical beauty isn't everything.

Jennifer: [disappointed] That's what I thought.

Wallace Wooley: [clears his throat] Look here, Jennifer.

Jennifer: I don't like the tone of your voice!

Wallace Wooley: Well, I swallowed some smoke last night.

Jennifer: Why does every guy I meet want to teach me ping pong? I hate to break it to you, but it's not a chick-magnet sport.

Jennifer: I can be social director.

Hardy Bassett: But we already have a social director honey, Billy Wankey.

Jennifer: Billy Wankey! He's a convicted child molester!

Hardy Bassett: ...and he'll work for free.

Storch: [crying] She's just an innocent girl!

Jennifer: So was I.

Andy: Please!

Jennifer: "Please" is what I said to you!

Jennifer: [praying] Forgive me, Father...

[pause]

Jennifer: For I will sin.

Storch: [screams in pain] GOD, NO! Please!

Jennifer: Does that hurt, Sheriff? Well c'mon, I thought you were "an ass man"!

Andy: [screams] FUCK YOU!

Jennifer: You already did that. I didn't enjoy it much...

[pause]

Jennifer: Now it's my turn to fuck you!

Matthew: [cries] I need to tell you...

Jennifer: Shh! I know, Matthew...

[pause]

Jennifer: I know this wasn't your fault. You tried to help me...

Matthew: I did! I really really did! And... and... and you're okay...

[pause]

Matthew: You're... you're okay!

Jennifer: Yes, Matthew. Now come. Come on! It's okay. It's okay...

Matthew: [crying] I'm so sorry!

Jennifer: Shhhh! Come on...

Matthew: [sobs] I'M SO SORRY! OH, GOD!

[settles down a bit]

Matthew: l'm so sorry!

Jennifer: Matthew...

[pause]

Jennifer: Matthew!

Matthew: Yeah?

Jennifer: Matthew, look at me!

Matthew: Yeah...

Jennifer: Tell me again how sorry you are.

Matthew: I'm... I'm...

[cries out]

Matthew: I'M SORRY!

Jennifer: [pause]

[she suddenly wraps a rope around Matthew's neck and chokes him]

Jennifer: IT'S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

[Matthew gags and chokes as Jennifer pulls him away]

Jennifer: [while Storch has been kidnapped and tied up by Jennifer; his own gun is strapped to his butt] By her, I assume you mean your daughter?

[pause]

Jennifer: She really is lovely, Sheriff! So young... so sweet... so innocent!

[pause]

Jennifer: I mean, can you imagine?

Storch: [grunting] Imagine what?

Jennifer: [Jennifer grabs Storch's gun and jams the nozzle repeatedly into his anus] Imagine that somebody had done something like *THIS* to her? Someone like Andy? Or Stanley? Or Johnny?

[Jennifer screams while she keeps assaulting the sheriff with the gun]

Jennifer: OR MORE LIKELY *YOU*, YOU SICK, PERVERTED *RAPIST!*

Jennifer: [showing Johnny a large pair of gardening pliers] You know what they do to horses that can't be tamed, Johnny? They geld them.

Jennifer: [to Johnny] Your mouth doesn't look so good...

[pause]

Jennifer: Maybe you should show me your teeth.

Jennifer: [cries out] Can you all just PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE?

Jennifer: Sorry, Sheriff. It was fun while it lasted!

Johnny: [approaches Jennifer] So you know you're running a little hot...

[pause]

Johnny: Maybe l should check up under your hood for you.

Jennifer: [Jennifer cracks up laughing] How's that line working for ya?

Johnny: [smiles] Oh, I don't know. How's that line workin' for you?

Andy: [repeats] FUCK YOU!

Jennifer: Now is *that* any way to speak to a lady?

[grabs Andy's heads and dunks it repeatedly in the tub full of water]

Jennifer: [as the men continue to harass and abuse her] Just tell me what you want!

[pause]

Jennifer: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I OFFERED YOU MY MONEY!

[she sobs]

Jennifer: [to Stanley as she turns his own camcorder on him] Smile real pretty for the camera, boy!

[pause]

Jennifer: l know you like to watch, don't you? Don't you, you sick fuck? Don't worry, l'll give you quite a show!

Matthew: [checking her water] All fixed!

Jennifer: Oh, thank you!

[Jennifer runs up to Matthew and gives him a friendly kiss on his cheek; he steps back and stammers]

Jennifer: Sorry, you saved me from having to bathe in the lake!

[laughs]

Matthew: I, uh - excuse me...

[Matthews grabs his plunging tools and quickly runs out of Jennifer's cabin]

Johnny: Matthew here says that you didn't pay him for fixing your sink!

Jennifer: That's not true; he ran out!

[pause]

Jennifer: I'll take care of it.

[Jennifer retrieves her purse to get money; all of the men chuckle at her]

Jennifer: [Johnny pees himself in front of Jennifer; she steps back] That is *disgusting*!

[first lines]

Jennifer: Hello?

[pause]

Jennifer: Hello?

Earl: I'm comin'!

[approaches from the back of the room]

Earl: I'm comin'!

Jennifer: [smiles] Hi! I'm Jennifer Hills. We spoke last week.

Earl: Oh, yeah. Miss Hills; Mockingbird Trail, right?

Jennifer: [smiles] That is right!

Earl: [grabs her cabin keys] I don't 'suppose you know how to get out there.

Jennifer: No, I don't...

Earl: Well, listen up.

[shows her a map]

Earl: It's a bit tricky...

Jennifer: [to Stanley while he's duct-taped to a tree] You know, ya gotta eat a lot of nasty shit out here to stay alive...

[Jennifer retrieves a bag and grabs a dead rat; she holds it up in front of Stanley]

Jennifer: Are you hungry? You hungry? Huh?

[she shoves the dead rodent into his mouth; he gags and pukes it out]

Jennifer: [frantic] Get out of here!

[pause]

Jennifer: GET OUT OF HERE, RIGHT NOW!

Storch: [on cell phone with his wife and daughter while driving along the road] Hey, sweetheart!

Mrs. Storch: Chastity's new teacher's here!

Storch: Mrs. Novick?

Mrs. Storch: No, from the honors program.

Storch: Do you remember anything?

Mrs. Storch: Oh yeah, that's right-

[Mrs. Storch hands Chastity the cell phone]

Storch: I'm real busy, sweetheart...

Chastity Storch: Hey, Daddy!

Storch: Hello, angel! Daddy's real busy working...

Chastity Storch: But l really want you to meet my new teacher. She's way cool!

[Chastity hands a young woman the cell phone; it's actually Jennifer]

Chastity Storch: Here. Just say hi!

Jennifer: [Jennifer takes the phone and talks to Storch] Howdy, sheriff!

Storch: It's truly an honor to speak with you, Miss...

Jennifer: Hills!

[pause]

Jennifer: Jennifer Hills!

Storch: [Storch suddenly stops his car, tires screeching] Excuse me?

Jennifer: I have to tell you it's been a pleasure meeting your family.

[pause]

Jennifer: You have a wonderful daughter with a bright and promising future!

Storch: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Jennifer: We'll see soon, sheriff!

[Jennifer hangs up the cell phone and smiles politely at Mrs. Storch and Chastity]

Storch: No, wait!

[pause]

Storch: SHIT!

Johnny: What's the matter?

[pause]

Johnny: You too good to have a drink with us?

Jennifer: Please, I just don't want to have a drink!

Johnny: [Johnny grabs Jennifer's liquor bottle and slams it on her table] What is this SHIT right here?

[pause]

Johnny: 'CAUSE THAT'S ALREADY BEEN OPENED!

[Jennifer starts to cry]

Johnny: Well shit, boys! You were right! She's too good to have a drink with us!

[to Jennifer]

Johnny: What are we to you; a bunch of dirt?

Jennifer: [sobs] I didn't say that!

Johnny: [while gagged by Jennifer]

[stutters]

Johnny: F-Fuck you...

[pause]

Johnny: Fuck y-you!

Jennifer: [calmly] Ornery Stallion, I guess I'm gonna have to tame you.

Jennifer: [to Johnny] See, that's the problem! You still have some teeth left. I'm gonna have to take care of that!

[Jennifer takes out a pair of pliers from her pants pocket; she starts violently plucking Johnny's teeth one-by-one as he screams in pain]

Jennifer: Huh? HUH?

[she continues pulling his teeth out with the pliers]

Jennifer: No FUCKING teeth, "Show Horse!" No fucking teeth!

[pause]

Jennifer: Better save your strength, 'cause you got a few more races left to run... Show Horse!

Jennifer: [revealing herself to Johnny] It's date night.

Johnny: [getting Matthew to sexually attack Jennifer] Look at that, Matthew! Look at that. Look at that right there. Hold up, wait a minute! Let's not worry about any of that right now.

[to Jennifer]

Johnny: What's a pretty little thing like you doin' out here all alone?

Jennifer: [she hesitates] l'm writing. l'm a writer!

Johnny: She's a writer...

Jennifer: My boyfriend will be here soon!

[pause]

Jennifer: He's coming up to the cabin!

Johnny: [the men laugh] Is that right?

Johnny: [starts sniffing Jennifer] Come here. Come here, have a drink with me. Come on over here. Come here, pretty little thing. Come here, have a drink with me!

Jennifer: No!

Storch: Ma'am, is this your marijuana cigarette?

Jennifer: Um, no...

[pause]

Jennifer: One of the boys must have left it.

Storch: You mean to tell me one of them guys is wearing lipstick? This ain't the big city!

Jennifer: Please, l may have smoked a joint... but that doesn't mean that l made any of this up!

Storch: [makes a call on his radio] This is Storch. l'm at Mockingbird cabin. Gonna need some backup...

Jennifer: [confused] Backup? What could you possibly need backup for? l'm the victim!

Storch: Ma'am! You've been drinking, smoking marijuana cigarettes. You got enough booze in here to put the whole town three sheets to the wind. You're running around in your sleeping garments at the crack of dawn. You gotta see this from my point of view!

Jennifer: [astonished] What? They came in here and they assaulted me! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!

Storch: Ma'am, l'm just trying to get to the bottom of this. You're making serious accusations about boys I've known since they was kids. And you haven't been altogether truthful now, have you?

[pause]

Storch: Now please, step up against the wall. Shoulder width apart.

[Jennifer is shocked]

Storch: Ma'am, please! Look right ahead. Now... I want the whole story. You tell me the whole thing. You start by telling me what those boys did.

[pause]

Storch: Tell the sheriff the truth... Show Horse.

[another pause]

Storch: Better yet, why don't you show him?

[Johnny enters]

Storch: Show him how that pretty little mouth of yours couldn't get enough as far as I recall!

[Storch feels Jennifer up]

Storch: They do this? Nice little tits!

[Jennifer sobs and groans]

Storch: I asked you a question.

Jennifer: [cries] Please!

Johnny: You show the sheriff your teeth there, Show Horse!

Jennifer: [revealing herself to Andy as he's tied with his arms behind his back next to a bathtub] How's it going?

[Jennifer then repeatedly hits Andy with an aluminum baseball bad, screaming with rage]

Jennifer: I thought people like you didn't believe in the legal process.

Frank White: I thought people like me were the legal process.

Jennifer: [reading her own headstone] Let's see here: Beloved daughter and friend. She was the wind beneath our... Really, mom, Bette Midler? You're gonna send me off to the Pearly Gates to the soundtrack of Beaches?

Grace: Why don't you go haunt her!

Jennifer: I'm not a ghost, Gracie, I'm the manifestation of your guilt.

Jennifer: [handing back her necklace] You should keep this.

Grace: It belongs to you.

Jennifer: The afterlife is kind of a leave-your-personal-effects-at-the-door kind of place.

Grace: So is prison.

Jennifer: Don't force it. Just let it be.

Grace: Oh, I didn't know Zen was so popular amongst the dead.

Jennifer: Oh yeah, we're all about parables.

Jennifer: What? The Almighty would totally want me to get some. He's a benevolent dude.

Jennifer: [sees Louis on the projector] Oh my god! Is that you?

[Louis doesn't answer]

Jennifer: When were you going to tell me you were in a band?

Marshall: [Cutting in before Louis could answer] I'm sure there's a lot of things our Louis hasn't told you darling, like who'd did you write the song for?

Louis Connelly: [turns away from Marshall] I told you this was a bad idea.

Marshall: That's it, go on! Walk out on us again!

[Louis turns back to him]

Marshall: Eh, Lou?

Louis Connelly: [Walking towards Marshall] Say what you have to say Marshall!

Marshall: No man, go on!

Louis Connelly: Come on! Say what you have to say! Come on say it!

Marshall: Say what?

Louis Connelly: [Shoves him] Come on! Say it! Say it!

Marshall: [Backing away as Louis continues pushing him] That the best you got? Is that the best you got man?

Louis Connelly: Come on! Hit me then!

Marshall: No man

Louis Connelly: HIT ME!

[Slams Marshall against the projector]

Louis Connelly: I'M SUFFOCATIN' HERE!

[Marshall punches him in the face and Louis grunts but appears to be okay]

Marshall: You alright man?

[Louis wipes blood from his mouth but nods and smiles greatfully]

Marshall: [Catches Jennifer staring at the two of them and chuckles] Welcome to the Connelly Clan!

Jennifer: Are all Irish people this loud?

Louis Connelly: Yeah.

[first lines]

Mark: What you're doing?

Jennifer: I'm walking.

Reggie: We better move away from the car before the gasoline blows.

Jennifer: Wait! I thought cars only blew up like that in the movies!

[Car explodes in a huge fireball]

Reggie: Yeah, me too.

Jennifer: Hey, we're not done yet.

Reggie: Sorry baby, but yes we are.

Ángela: So besides your father, who do you live with?

Jennifer: With my mommy, my daddy, and my dog Max.

Ángela: Your dog isn't here either, right? I can't see him.

Jennifer: No, he's not.

Ángela: Do you love your dog?

Jennifer: Yes.

Ángela: Why isn't he here?

Jennifer: He's at the vet.

Ángela: What's wrong with him?

Jennifer: He got sick.

Jennifer: [to John] Come on. You have made millions off the story of her murder. You're obsessed with her and you're obsessed with her daughter!

Gale: Alright, easy Geraldo.

Jennifer: Gale Weathers!

Gale: [says quietly] Shit.

Jennifer: I know we've never met... and I know you never returned my phone call, but after getting into this project, I feel like I'm in your mind.

Gale: Hmm, that would explain my constant headaches.

Jennifer: You know, I'm sorry things didn't work for 60 minutes II, but Total Entertainment, that's a pretty good fallback.

Gale: Thank you. I'm sorry things didn't work out with Brad Pitt, but being single, that's a good fallback.

Jennifer: Gives me more time for my work. After all, Gale Weathers, you're such a complex character.

Gale: And to be played by an actress with such depth and range...

Jennifer: Jeez!

Gale: What the hell are you doing?

Jennifer: Being Gale Weathers! What are you doing?

Gale: I *am* Gale Weathers!

Jennifer: Here's how I see it. I've got no house, no bodyguard, no movie and I'm being stalked. Because someone wants to kill me? No, because someone wants to kill you. So, now, starting now, I go where you go. So that if someone wants to kill me, I'll be with you and since they really wanna kill you, they won't kill me, they'll kill you, make sense?

Gale: [shouts] None!

Jennifer: You know in the movies, I play you as being much smarter!

Gale: And as a sane person, for you that must be quite a stretch!

Jennifer: That's funny.

Gale: Ha!

Jennifer: Need to get in that building?

Gale: Yeah!

Jennifer: Is there a story in that building?

Jennifer: Where, Nancy Drew wants to know where.

[Jennifer is studying Gale in order to play her character]

Jennifer: The ruthless ambition, your private self-loathing, and that lost and lonely little girl inside.

Gale: Lost and lonely what?

Jennifer: You heard me.

Gale: Lost and lonely what?

Jennifer: Happy birthday, Roman.

Roman: Yeah, as if life isn't tragic enough.

Jennifer: Is he dead?

[as Gale looks at Roman's bloody body]

Gale: Really!

[last lines]

Jennifer: [to medic] Can I go?

Medic: Ah. Yeah. Just try to get some rest.

Marty: Let me grab my jacket. I can give you a ride home. Stay here. I just left it inside the office.

Jennifer: Run, or Daddy will eat you.

Stephen Falken: The whole point was to find a way to practice nuclear war without destroying ourselves. To get the computers to learn from mistakes we couldn't afford to make. Except, I never could get Joshua to learn the most important lesson.

David Lightman: What's that?

Stephen Falken: Futility. That there's a time when you should just give up.

Jennifer: What kind of a lesson is that?

Stephen Falken: Did you ever play tic-tac-toe?

Jennifer: Yeah, of course.

Stephen Falken: But you don't anymore.

Jennifer: No.

Stephen Falken: Why?

Jennifer: Because it's a boring game. It's always a tie.

Stephen Falken: Exactly. There's no way to win. The game itself is pointless! But back at the war room, they believe you can win a nuclear war. That there can be "acceptable losses."

Joshua: Shall we play a game?

David Lightman: Oh!

Jennifer: [giggles] I think it missed him.

David Lightman: Yeah. Weird isn't it?

Jennifer: Yeah.

David Lightman: [typing] Love to. How about Global Thermonuclear War?

Joshua: Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?

[Jennifer laughs]

David Lightman: [typing] Later. Let's play Global Thermonuclear War.

Joshua: Fine.

Mr. Liggett: Now there seems to be a lot of confusion on this next question: asexual reproduction. Could someone tell me please who first suggested the idea of reproduction without sex?

David Lightman: Ah-heh.

[whispers something to a classmate]

Jennifer: [overhearing, Jennifer starts to laugh]

Mr. Liggett: [turns around and sees Jennifer giggling] Miss Mack! What is so amusing?

Jennifer: I...

[Jennifer breaks up into laughter again and turns to look at David, who puts on a show of mock innocence]

Mr. Liggett: Alright, Lightman. Maybe you could tell us who first suggested the idea of reproduction without sex.

David Lightman: Umm... Your wife?

[the class erupts into laughter]

Mr. Liggett: [pointing to the door] Get out, Lightman. Get out.

Jennifer: He wasn't very old.

David Lightman: No, he was pretty old. He was 41.

Jennifer: Oh yeah? Oh, that's old.

[David and Jennifer attempt to find a way to get off Professor Falken's island to prevent NORAD from launching a nuclear attack]

David Lightman: I think I saw one...

[runs ahead for a moment and stops]

David Lightman: What kind of an asshole lives on an island and he doesn't even have a boat?

Jennifer: Maybe we can swim for it. How far do you think it is?

David Lightman: No. It's uh, two, three miles at least. Maybe more.

Jennifer: Well, what do you say? Let's go for it!

David Lightman: No.

Jennifer: [starts to remove her shoe] Come on!

David Lightman: No!

[pause]

David Lightman: I can't swim.

Jennifer: You can't swim?

David Lightman: No, I can't, okay? Wonder Woman, I can't swim!

Jennifer: Well, what kind of an asshole grows up in Seattle and doesn't even know how to swim?

David Lightman: I never got around to it, okay? I always thought there was gonna be plenty of time!

Jennifer: Sorry.

David Lightman: I wish I didn't know about any of this! I wish I was like everybody else in the world, and tomorrow it would just be over. There wouldn't be any time to be sorry... about anything.

David Lightman: [sits on a large piece of driftwood] Oh, Jesus! I really wanted to learn how to swim! I swear to God I did.

[They are in NORAD, watching the computer WOPR playing Tic-Tac-Toe and Global Thermonuclear War at the same time]

Jennifer: What is it doing?

David Lightman: It's learning.

Stephen Falken: Are either of you paleontologists? I'm in desperate need of a paleontologist.

Jennifer: No, we're high school students.

Stephen Falken: Pity.

Mr. Lightman: Have you ever heard of the word "tumulus?"

Jennifer: Tumulous? No, I haven't. Sorry.

Mr. Lightman: Neither have I.

Jennifer: Connection terminated. How rude!

Jennifer: I'm just wondering a lot of things. The first big thing, is why? And the second thing is, how do we forget?

Gina: There's no going back you know.

Jennifer: When were you born, Jeremy?

Jeremy: When uh, September 22, 1989.

Jennifer: And where were you on September 22, 1989?

Jeremy: Here.

Jennifer: So you were born in space and time.

Jeremy: Is there any other way?

Jennifer: And when are you leaving this world?

Jeremy: What?

Jennifer: You're not staying here forever, when are you leaving?

Jeremy: I don't know, I don't wanna know.

Jennifer: Ah. You don't want to know. I don't want to know either.

Jeremy: Yeah, it's just creepy.

Jennifer: A little learning is a dangerous thing.

Jennifer: Death doesn't kill you know. That's what people think, but it's not true, right? RIGHT?

Jennifer: You go swimming?

Jeremy: No, but I'll watch you go swimming.

Jennifer: I'll kill every fucking one of them.

Charlie: You can't cook or sew, I doubt if you can even knit. You know nothing about life, not what I call life. You're still only a moderate hand on a milling machine and if you had to fend for yourself in the midst of plenty you'd die of starvation. Those are only your bad points. I'm not saying you haven't got any good ones.

Jennifer: You're mighty generous Mr Forbes. As for you, you've no looks, you're old fashioned, morbidly suspicious, dull, and your pipe makes horrible bubbly noises.