Tito Quotes in Premium Rush (2012)

Wilee: I do not carry drug shit, or whatever the hell this is!

Raj: It's not drugs, it can't be drugs. It's from a highly respected East Coast college.

[covers phone, turns to Tito]

Raj: It's probably drugs.

Tito: Yep.

Tito: Oh, GROSS! This whiskey tastes like pregnant lady piss!

Tito: You are giving me a stomach-ache in my brain!

Tito: Fuck this place, man, I'm outta here.

Tito: I have becomed The Retarted Revenger!

Pompe: Don't forget about your sidekick, Pompe, the baddest bodyless motherfucker in all of Amortville.

Ms. Weiner: [Upon seeing Tito reading a porn magazine while masturbating] Tito! What do you think you're doing young man?

Tito: Listen, bitch! Just because I'm a tard, doesn't mean you have to treat me like one. But because I'm "special", I don't think I'm ever going to get laid. So why can't I masturbate?

[Opening lines]

Tito: [voiceover] How much is a man worth? Four bucks an hour, for the lucky ones. How do you feed your family? Where do you find hope when your name isn't even worth writing down? There's a big fence separating the rich and the poor, bigger than the one dividing the land and much harder to climb. Where does a man get his strength to survive? From his will to fight. It come from a people of fighters, who fight because they have to. How much is a man worth? Depends on which side of the fence you're on the day you were born.

Tito: I want them cut to pieces.

Tito: Hey, man, if this is torture, chain me to the wall.

Rita: Where's the kid?

Tito: [coughs after nearly getting barbecued] He must still be in the car, man!

[everyone watches as the limo departs]

Rita: Oh, that poor little kid.

Dodger: You were supposed to keep an eye on him, Tito!

Tito: [coughs] Yeah. Well, it's hard to watch anything when you're getting barbecued, man!

Tito: Hey, man, you're ugly! And you're uglier than him! And you're Ugly, Part Three! Hey, you're Revenge of the Ugly!

Tito: I don't have time for long goodbyes, but here's something to remember me by, baby.

[Tries to kiss Georgette; she hits him and he falls out the window]

Tito: Ooh, I think she likes me, man!

Tito: Hey, hey, hey! There is a lady, Francis.

Georgette: Well, it's nice to see that one of you has some manners.

Tito: After you, my little croissant.

Francis: Good grief.

Dodger: Yo, Tito, hot wire!

Tito: Hey, no way, man! I've been barbecued too many times!

Georgette: Good luck, Alonzo. I'll be waiting.

Tito: [singing] Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work we go...

Dodger: Hey, keep it down, guys. The game's on.

Tito: Oh boy, Dodger. Tough dog have to get help from a CAT!

Dodger: Hey, Tito, uh, cool it, man.

Tito: Come on, let's see this big, bad kitty fight in action!

Dodger: Hey Tito, LOOK!

[Tito looks away, Dodger jumps on him]

Georgette: Don't you come any closer! I knew this would happen someday.

Dodger: Oh, you've barking up the wrong tree, sister. It's not you we're after.

Georgette: It's not?

[insulted]

Georgette: It's *not*? Well *why* not? What's the problem, Spot? Not good enough for you? I mean, do you even know who I am? 56 blue ribbons. 14 regional trophies. Six-time national champion!

Dodger: Oh, and we're all very impressed. Right, guys?

Tito: Very impressed!

Georgette: Save me, save me Alonzo.

Tito: Hey, get off my back woman. I'm driving.

Tito: [pulling out an old wallet] Check it out.

Francis: Oh, shredded leather.

Tito: Shredded wha... What you talkin' about, man? That's a primo wallet, man.

Francis: Rubbish, you mean.

Tito: All right, that does it, Frankie, man! You insulted my pride, and this means death!

Tito: Allow me to introduce myself: I am Ignacio Alonso Julio Federico de Tito.

Georgette: Get away from me, you little bug-eyed creep!

Rita: Cool it, you guys. It's just a cat.

Tito: Mi madre, un gato!

Francis: Felis domesticus!

Rita: How did you find this place, cat?

Oliver: I-I was following this dog.

Tito: He's lying! He's lying! He's lying!...

Rita: [Kicks Tito] Stop it, Tito.

Francis: And why would a cat follow a dog?

Einstein: Yeah!

Oliver: I just wanted some of the hot dogs I helped him get.

Tito: He's a spy, man! Come on, let's eat him! You're dead meat, kitty!

Oliver: What kind of work do we do anyway?

Tito: Investment banking, man. Didn't you read about us in the Wall Street Journal?

Oliver: Really?

Francis: [chucking] Yes. Captains of Industry.

Tito: It's newspaper burritos for breakfast again, man.

Tito: [in the limo] Forget Fagin, man. Let's take this baby to Atlantic City.

Tito: We can't go to jail.

Ossie: Why not?

Tito: We're much too young. We can go to a home, though.

Ossie: We have a home, Tito.

Tito: I know, but this is a home where they don't letcha out.

Ossie: That's a jail.

Ossie: I don't want to grow up?

Tito: Why?

Ossie: I don't want to get old like O'Sheen.

Tito: What?

Ossie: I don't want to turn into dust.

Tito: Why are you talkin' to the horse?

Ossie: Why not?

[following Erin's impassioned speech about the Nazi Holocaust]

Tito: [raises hand] What's a holocaust?

Erin Gruwell: Who here knows what the Holocaust is?

[all keep their hands down except Ben, the only white kid, who sheepishly raises his]

Erin Gruwell: Who here has ever been shot at?

[all raise their hands except Ben, who lowers his]

Ben: Ms. G, we can fight this y'know, like the Freedom Riders.

Marcus: Yeh yeh, we all drive around on a bus, only this time they try and bust us up we bust a few of them board member's heads.

Brandy: Or we can go to the newspapers. Media...?

Tito: Or we can paint the administration building with the word assholes, in various colours.

Tito: Nobody cares what I do. Why should I bother coming to school?

Big Dick Richie: Is this, uh, is this how the whole trip is going to be? You're going to be on this thing the whole time?

Mike: Are you kidding? Relax, I've got a bunch of orders just came in. The guys at the shop are just freaking out.

Big Dick Richie: If you're going to be here, be here, man. Be present.

Mike: Okay, I'll be present.

Big Dick Richie: All right, that's it.

Mike: What are you? Yo, what are you doing?

Tito: iPhone went bye phone!

Mike: Are you serious right now? What am I supposed to do? I should chuck your big ass right off this f***ing truck.

Big Dick Richie: That's the Mikey I remember. Look, if you ain't ready to bring it old school this weekend, then you need to hop it off this food truck right now.

Mike: Why do you think I came this weekend?

Big Dick Richie: I don't know, man. It's been a long time. But I do know this, you better be ready to follow my ass down the rabbit hole, brother. I'm talking out of body, baby. Astro-projection! Tobias, we're going to Mad Mary's.

Tobias: Hell yeah!

Big Dick Richie: Nobody, nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride!

Claire: Michelle, if you can't give me a raise, I can't continue to work here.

Michelle Darnell: Well, look who finally showed up to my seminar. About time, Claire, I love it. I didn't know you were listening all these years. What am I always saying?

Tito: Don't go in that room!

Michelle Darnell: True. I do say that, but I also say, you want something, you gotta take it. Claire, you just took it and you grew a pair in the process.

Claire: I'm holding your earrings?

Michelle Darnell: You're holding a pair of earrings, as in 2001 I paid $ 62,000 for it, and that's your raise now, it's a good raise and you earned it.

Claire: Thank you.

Tito: Congratulations on your balls, Claire!

Michelle Darnell: It's hilarious. It's like that classic comedy gag, 'Who's on my baseball?'.

Tito: Who's on my baseball?

Michelle Darnell: Who's on my baseball?

Tito: Uh, who's on my baseball?

Michelle Darnell: Who's on my baseball?

Claire: I think it's uh, 'Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third'. Right?

Michelle Darnell: I don't think that's...

Tito: Uh... no?

Michelle Darnell: Uh, I think you're on my baseball.

Tito: Who's on my baseball!

Michelle Darnell: First base!

Tito: [singing] What's on my baseball!

Michelle Darnell: I am amazed that the United Center is even still standing because I crushed it tonight!

Tito: You crushed it like velvet!

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?

Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.

Tito: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.

Eddie Cantrow: Oh.

Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.

[repeated line]

Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man!

Tito: Eddie, What are you doing?

Eddie Cantrow: I'm just hanging with my brother, My brother Manuel.

Tito: Eddie, People are looking for you ah! Your father keeps calling, And The Mac is trying to track you down. And what I supposed to tell the American girl... The... Miranda? What do I tell her?

Eddie Cantrow: Miranda?

Tito: Yes, Her family flew home, But she didn't! And she's been everywhere searching for you!

Eddie Cantrow: [With a smile] She Has?

Tito: [laughing] Screw off! I'm joking man! That chick run for the hills! You should seen your face! You were so happy for a moment, You were like ha! I can't believe I got you again!

[Little person Tito is not happy with the dream sequence]

Tito: Why does my character have to be a dwarf?

Nick: He doesn't have to be.

Tito: Then why is he? Is that the only way you can make this a dream, to put a dwarf in it?

Nick: No, Tito, I...

Tito: Have you ever had a dream with a dwarf in it? Do you know anyone who's had a dream with a dwarf in it? No! I don't even have dreams with dwarves in them. The only place I've seen dwarves in dreams is in stupid movies like this! "Oh make it weird, put a dwarf in it!". Everyone will go "Woah, this must be a fuckin' dream, there's a fuckin' dwarf in it!". Well I'm sick of it! You can take this dream sequence and stick it up your ass!

[Tito doesn't laugh when he's supposed to]

Nick: Cut! Tito... Didn't feel like laughing, did ya?

Tito: I did.

Nick: Oh. Guess I missed it.

Big Lou Kritski: If you fix one shitty toilet, I'll disown you. One toilet, you're out of the will!

[grabs the heater Tito is carrying]

Big Lou Kritski: Give me that, Buckwheat!

Tito: Who you calling 'Buckwheat', you fat fuck.

Louie Kritski: Here, run this up to the house, and here's a fin.

Tito: Thank you.

Louie Kritski: Thank you? That's it? That's five dollars I gave you.

Tito: Thank you, master, thank you master.

Louie Kritski: Fuck you, kid.

Tito: Fuck you too.

Louie Kritski: Alright, get off my roof before there's trouble.

Arsonist: There's already trouble.

Louie Kritski: I'll throw you right the fuck off this roof!

Arsonist: Yeah, you and who else?

Marlon: [entering] Me.

Leotha: [enters behind Marlon] Me too.

Tito: [enters] Me too, shit-head.

Louie Kritski: Wat are you, spying on me?

Tito: No.

Louie Kritski: You casing this joint so the brothers can rob it later?

Tito: [sarcastically] Yeah, you really got some choice stuff here. We can't wait to get our hands on it.

Louie Kritski: How come you're not in school, kid?

Tito: It's Saturday.

Louie Kritski: Yeah? Then why aren't you out playing basketball or break dancing?

Jaime Escalante: You think you got it, Johnny? Think you have the answer?

Tito: Juan is X, Carlos is Y, Pedro is X + Y. Is Pedro bisexual or straight?

Jaime Escalante: Sometimes I worry about you.

Tito: ...Just don't ever let her know that you dig her. That's, like, the worst thing you can do with a woman.