The Devil Quotes in The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie (1989)

The Devil: [after being peed on] Now I'm pissed!

The Devil: No one takes priority over me.

God: Ooohhh nooooo? AHEM... AHEM...

The Devil: Well... maybe one.

The Devil: Choose your weapon, and your arena. Oh, I know! You play video games, don't you Melvin? I'll show you the real five levels of doom. Earth, Fire, Water, Wind... and the last one. But no one gets to the last one.

The Devil: You are becoming quite an annoying horse fly. But swatting time is here. I present, courtesy of hell, the final level of doom. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and I'll waste yours.

The Devil: The mind is a terrible thing to waste - and I'm going to waste YOURS!

The Devil: Alright Junko, let's party!

The Devil: This is one load of toxic waste that won't stay buried!

Elliot Richards: I wish I were the most sensitive man in the world.

The Devil: [Smiling] Right. Okay.

Elliot Richards: Oh, wait! I wish I were the most *emotionally* sensitive man in the world.

The Devil: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.

Elliot Richards: Oh, yeah. You've been a really big help so far.

The Devil: I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Maybe a good spanking's in order?

Elliot Richards: Is that all you ever think about? Do you think everything is about sex?

The Devil: No, of course not! I mean, there's greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, vanity, envy...

The Devil: How would you like to make one simple decision that'll change your life forever?

Elliot Richards: Ok, I'm glad scientology works for you but...

The Devil: You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough but no. All people want to know about is Him. Like He's so bloody fascinating!

Elliot Richards: So He's a man?

The Devil: Yeah, most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.

[after Elliot succeeds in keeping his soul]

Elliot Richards: I don't get it, though. Why are you, you know... being nice?

The Devil: Look, Elliot, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The whole good-and-evil thing? You know...

[points skyward]

The Devil: Him and me? It really comes down to you. You don't have to look very hard for heaven or hell. They're right here on Earth. You make the choice, and I guess you just made it.

The Devil: Do you think your mommy and daddy just made me up so you'd be a good boy?

Elliot Richards: Maybe I should call you a cab... Although it's gonna be hard to find one that'll *go to Hell* this time of night!

The Devil: OOOOOOh. What a delightfully piquant wit.

The Devil: I saw you talking to a woman.

Elliot Richards: Um, yeah, but, I'm not with her.

The Devil: But you'd like to be. Huh?

Elliot Richards: What makes you say that?

The Devil: Oh, I dont know, when a man says he'd give anything to have a certain woman in his life, I just assume she means something to him.

The Devil: I am the Devil! Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness! Well, the Princ-ess of Darkness, anyway.

Elliot Richards: But it's my soul! I can't give you my *soul*.

The Devil: What are you, James Brown?

The Devil: You're so nervous, Elliot.

Elliot Richards: How do you know my name?

The Devil: I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.

The Devil: It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil.

The Devil: [about souls] It's like your appendix. You'll never even miss it.

Elliot Richards: Yeah? Well, if it's so useless, then how come you want it so much?

The Devil: Oh, aren't you a clever one?

[after the Devil shows up on Elliot's computer screen]

Elliot Richards: What are you doing here?

The Devil: Just think of me as a computer virus.

Elliot Richards: I think of you as a PLAGUE!

The Devil: I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you. I do Elliot. I think you have massive potential. If you're looking at an eternity in hell, let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt to have a friend like me.

[kisses his ear]

The Devil: I aim to please, handsome!

[the Devil is reading Allison's diary]

Elliot Richards: You can't read that, that's private stuff!

The Devil: You're telling me, listen to this. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life. I never did get any of the guys' names, but I brought them back home and all five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum".

Elliot Richards: What?

The Devil: Kidding.

Elliot Richards: I think you're hot.

The Devil: Baby, you've got no idea...

[reading Elliot the contract]

The Devil: Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit cooperation, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit.

Elliot Richards: Seven? Why not eight?

The Devil: Why not six? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.

The Devil: Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling, little soul?

[Reading the Devil's contract]

Elliot Richards: "I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned" - the Damned?

The Devil: How about "the Darned," sound better?

Elliot Richards: This is breaking and entering!

The Devil: I know! It's fun, isn't it?

Elliot Richards: No! That's not fair.

The Devil: Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody ever accusing me of being fair before. I think I'm insulted.

McDonalds Employee: Hi, how ya doin'. What can I get you?

The Devil: A Big Mac and a large Coke.

McDonalds Employee: Fries?

The Devil: No.

McDonalds Employee: It comes to $3.47.

The Devil: [to Elliot] Do you have $3.47? I left my purse in the Underworld.

Elliot Richards: I'm starting to think that women don't really know what they want.

The Devil: Amen!

The Devil: My life is a living hell!

The Devil: I'm not all peaches and cream, you know. I do have a darker side, and believe me, it's not pretty.

The Devil: Now listen to me, you disgusting little maggot. This is your last chance before the big weenie roast. Make a wish or forever burn in hell!

Elliot Richards: You can't give sick people 'tic tacs!'

The Devil: Sick people have notoriously bad breath, I'm performing a public service here.

The Devil: Excuse me.

God, God: Yes.

The Devil: I wish to lodge a complaint.

God, God: What is it this time?

The Devil: I have as much right to Steve Brooks' soul as you do.

God: That's why I sent him back. If he can't find one female who likes him, then his soul is yours.

The Devil: Well, that's not a fair test. He'll pick some helpless, unsuspecting female, pretend to be everything he's not. In the end, she'll adore him. And you'll be honor abound to admit an unregenerate debaucher into Heaven.

God: What do you suggest?

The Devil: Teach him a lesson. And at the same time, make it impossible for him to work his macho machinations onto any more unsuspecting female.

God, God: And how do I do that?

The Devil: Easy. Make him a woman.

Amanda Brooks: What is that smell?

The Devil: Brimstone. You'll get used to it after a few hundred years.

Amanda Brooks: Who in hell are you?

The Devil: Who in hell do you think I am?

Amanda Brooks: You look like the Devil.

The Devil: Well, you don't look good yourself. Ha! Just a little Netherworld humor there.

Amanda Brooks: Hilarious. What do you want?

The Devil: You. Your time's up.

Amanda Brooks: Say's who?

The Devil: Have you found one female who liked Steve Brooks?

Amanda Brooks: Well, I haven't talked to them all yet.

The Devil: You'd just be wasting your time. You see, I know who they are. And they all think Steve Brooks is a selfish, inconsiderate, unredeemable, male chauvinist pig.

Amanda Brooks: I don't believe you. You're not to be trusted. You're the Devil, Anyway, you know, He/She didn't give me any time table on this thing.

The Devil: Look, you hate being a woman, right?

Amanda Brooks: Well...

The Devil: There's no fun in PMS or shaving your legs. And what do have to look forward to? Guys like you used to be always trying to get into your pants. Cellulite, menopause. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Right now, there's a shortage of good recruiters. I bet there's not a man alive who wouldn't sell his soul for the chance to jump in the sack with you.

Amanda Brooks: Forget it!

The Devil: Sooner or later, I'm going to get you anyway. Come along now, and I'll guarantee you a hell of a time.

Amanda Brooks: If you're going to get me anyway, I'd just as soon it was later and not sooner.

The Devil: Terrible sight to see a beautiful body like yours go through a meltdown.

Amanda Brooks: What?

The Devil: Tell you what: you want to hedge your bet with me? Make eternity a little less hellish.

Amanda Brooks: What did you have in mind?

The Devil: Did you see Rosemary's Baby?

Amanda Brooks: Yeah. What? No, no, I can't! See, I'm expecting my period. I can't. I can't.

[Talking about life]

The Devil: It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.

Harry Block: You're air-conditioned here?

The Devil: Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer.

The Devil: You ever fuck a blind girl?

Harry Block: No. That I never did.

The Devil: Oh, they're so grateful.

The Devil: Hmm. You know what they say. In order for one to succeed, another must fail.

Bobby Shelton: Who are you?

[the Devil sticks up his thumb, and a flame comes out of it, like a cigarette lighter. He lights his cigar with that flame and then extinguishes that flame by blowing on that thumb]

Bobby Shelton: My God!

The Devil: Guess again.

The Devil: I love to scare the hell out of people.

God: You're impossible.

The Devil: [straight to camera] Believe me... I'm possible.

[Billy Wayne's contract is about to expire. He finishes a song, and the audience applauds and then chants, "More! More! More!"]

The Devil: No more.

The Devil: [the Devil's car's computer monitor reads the following about Bobby Shelton: "WATCHED OVER BY GOD APRIL 19, 1960"] Sorry, pal. He asked for me. That's the rules: He asked for me; he's mine. And none of your tricks, either.

The Devil: [the Devil "uses" his cigar to turn cooked escargots into live snails] It's the little things I enjoy.

The Devil: [the "original" Billy Wayne disappears after his contract expires] Things have a way of working out.

The Devil: You beat me. You bluffed with a busted flush? How? How did you beat me?

God: I put the fear of me in you.

[as he burns Erik's face with a magic touch]

The Devil: People will love you for your music. But that is all that they will love you for.

The Devil: Use it wisely. Waste not, want not.

The Devil: SOME reward for the man who helped settle the new world.

The Devil: This is the court of Nero. Evil and depraved. Whose debauchery and perversion surpassed even the wildest and wickedest dreams of the most deluded. And this is Nero. Nursed on a witch's venom, twisted by endless orgies, this madman knew no end to violence, no limit to lunacy.

The Devil: Flatterer, maniac, rapist, pervert, matricide, arsonist, bigamist, and sometimes accomplished musician and singer for all social occasions.

The Devil: I like bloodshed. But, when it comes to revolution, man hasn't always been as moderate as he was in North America. Take France, 13 years later, nobody would've dreamed the country was bankrupt, the courtiers giggled and made love.

The Devil: Then, came the red man, fighting for his very survival and the white man determined to take away this so-called god-given heritage, used the foulest of methods. Rather confusing, don't you think?

Tara: So what do we do now? Do we call the police?

The Devil: No, no, no police! Police scenes are boring! They tell the audience everything they already know.

Linda: Who are you?

The Devil: Who am I?

[beat]

The Devil: I am the one who steals you from your dreams, and takes you to those much, much darker places.

The Devil: [at custom party] I'll see you in hell sweet thing.

Gina: Writhing on a sea of aborted fetus' no doubt.