The Director Quotes in Spy Hard (1996)

Agent Steve Bishop: Sir, we have intercepted a disturbing video on the rock of gabraltar.

The Director: Well, what is it?

Agent Steve Bishop: It's this really big rock sticking out of the water on the south coast of Spain.

[first lines]

The director: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Great. Great. Great. We got it. Great. You ladies alright? What about you? You okay?

Rollie Tyler: Ellen, come on out of there.

The Director: Some of my best enemies are Jewish.

The Director: How did your focus groups feel about cliffhangers?

The Director: [Checking the latest film for errors] Boom mike!

Crewman 1: Got a boom mike.

Crewman 2: That's a boom mike.

[a man holding a boom mike in the background lowers it discreetly]

The Director: That's sloppy. The dog could've seen that. He could've seen that!

Mindy: Uh, who cares if the dog sees a boom mike?

The Director: Forgive me for answering a question with a question, but - who are you?

Mindy: Mindy Parker, from the network.

The Director: Of course. Let me ask you, Mindy From The Network, what do you see here?

[Gestures toward a screen showing Bolt]

Mindy: Uhh... the dog?

The Director: "The dog", she says. Oh, Mindy. Poor, poor Mindy.

Mindy: Am I missing something?

The Director: You're missing *everything*, Mindy. You see a dog. I see an animal that believes with every fiber of his being, *every fiber*, that the girl he loves is in mortal danger. I see a depth of emotion on the face of that canine the likes of which has never been captured on screen before. *Never*, Mindy From The Network. We jump through hoops to make sure Bolt believes everything is real. It's why we don't miss marks. It's why we don't reshoot.

[Turns back to the main screen]

The Director: And it's why we most certainly do not let the dog see boom mikes!

[Reaches for one of the screens showing Bolt with a determined expression on his face, while speaking passionately]

The Director: Because, Mindy From The Network, if the dog believes it, the audience believes it.

Mindy: [unimpressed] Wow. Okay, you want reality, here you go, chief. The show's too predictable. The girl's in danger, the dog saves her from the creepy English guy, we get it. There's always a happy ending. And our focus groups tell us 18 to 35 year olds are unhappy. They're not happy with happy. So maybe you should, I don't know, spend a little less time worrying about the dog's method acting and more time figuring out how to stop 20 year olds in Topeka from changing the channel. Because if you lose so much as half a rating point, so help me, I will fire everyone in this room, starting with you! How's that for real?

Dana: Me? Virgin?

The Director: We work with what we have.

The Director: [over intercom] You've seen horrible things. An army of nightmare creatures. But they are nothing compared to what came before. What lies below. It's our task to placate the Ancient Ones. As it's yours to be offered up to them. Forgive us. And let us get it over with.

Dana: The whole world, Marty.

The Director: ...Is in your hands, Dana. There is no other way. You have to be strong.

Marty: [sarcastically] Yeah, Dana. You feeling strong?

The Director: You're doing a great job! I had to change my underwear!

The Director: Good luck, and bring that bitch back.