Rabbi Quotes in The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie (1989)

Rabbi: Oy vey! How many times do I got to tell you, you don't put the Redneck Zombies in with the Disney videos!

Assistant: But Redneck Zombies is gruesome!

Rabbi: Gruesome? You should see my mother-in-law! That's gruesome!

Rabbi: Paul is a fine boy, and Mark is an excellent student of the Torah and the Talmud.

Mark Baum's Mom: Then what's the problem, rabbi?

Rabbi: It's the reason Mark is studying so hard. He's looking for inconsistencies in the word of God!

Mark Baum's Mom: So has he found any?

Catholic Clergyman: God has children.

Rabbi: What? And a dog? A collie, maybe? God doesn't have children. He's a bachelor. And very angry.

Catholic Clergyman: No! No! He used to be angry!

Rabbi: What? He got over it?

Protestant Clergyman: You worship the god of another age!

Catholic Clergyman: Who has no love!

Rabbi: Not true! He likes Jews.

Eddie Mannix: As for the religious aspect, does the depiction of Christ Jesus cut the mustard?

Catholic Clergyman: Well, the nature of Christ is not quite as simple as your photoplay would have it.

Eddie Mannix: How so, father?

Catholic Clergyman: It's not the case, simply, that Christ is God or God - Christ.

Rabbi: You can say that again! The Nazarene was not God.

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: He was not not God.

Rabbi: He was a man.

Protestant Clergyman: Part God.

Rabbi: No, sir!

Eddie Mannix: Rabbi, all of us have a little bit of God in us, don't we?

Catholic Clergyman: It's the foundation of our belief that Christ is most properly referred to as the Son of God. It's the Son of God who takes the sins of the world upon himself, so that the rest of God's children, we imperfect beings, through faith, may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Eddie Mannix: So, God is - split?

Catholic Clergyman: Yes! And no.

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: There is unity in division.

Protestant Clergyman: And division in unity.

Eddie Mannix: I'm not sure I follow padre.

Rabbi: Young man, you don't follow for a very simple reason. These men are screwballs.

Protestant Clergyman: God loves everyone!

Catholic Clergyman: God is love!

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: God is who he is.

Rabbi: This is special? Who is and who is?

Catholic Clergyman: But, how should God be rendered in a motion picture?

Rabbi: God isn't in the motion picture!

Eddie Mannix: We don't need to agree on the nature of the deity here. If we could focus on the Christ, whatever his parentage. My question is: is our depiction fair?

Eastern Orthodox Clergyman: I have seen worse.

Eddie Mannix: Reverend?

Protestant Clergyman: There's nothing to offend a - reasonable man.

Eddie Mannix: Father?

Catholic Clergyman: The motion picture teleplay was respectful and exhibited tastefulness and class.

Rabbi: Who made you an expert all of the sudden?

Eddie Mannix: And, what do you think, Rabbi?

Rabbi: Eh? I haven't an opinion.

[a rabbi stabs Brenda with a knife]

Rabbi: You ruined Schindler's List!

[the Dalai Lama slashes her with a sword]

The Dalai Lama: Jackie Chan movies!

[Mother Theresa beats her with a loaf of bread]

Mother Theresa: Boogie Nights!

[the Pope stabs her with a giant scythe]

The Pope: And Big Momma's House!

[last lines]

Rabbi: Mazeltov!

Pastor: As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.

Albert: [loudly weeps hysterically]

Inspector Trout: But all this would just be myth of course, sir?

Rabbi: Oh, I think not.

Inspector Trout: No?

Rabbi: No. There is little doubt that the plagues did occur, though so distant now as to seem a myth.

Inspector Trout: Uh, these ten curses, would they follow any particular order?

Rabbi: Hm. That is a point that Talmudic scholars have debated for generations, but there is no doubt that the classical tradition is: the curse of boils, bats, frogs, the curse of blood, the curse of rats, hail, of beasts, the locusts, of course, the death of the first-born, and then, finally, of darkness.

Inspector Trout: Darkness, Rabbi?

Rabbi: Yes. The final curse upon the land, to end forever the sleep of man.

Rabbi: Part of the

Inspector Trout: The what, Sir?

Rabbi: The

Inspector Trout: What form would the curses take Sir?

Rabbi: There's the curse of boils, of bats...

Inspector Trout: Frogs?

Rabbi: Frogs, yes. And the curse of blood.

Inspector Trout: I see Sir, yes.

Rabbi: [about his Christian counterparts] They're praying to God. They should be praying for better lawyers.

Lenny Goldberg: Listen, Rabbi. My friend has drunk my chicken soup. He's danced like a Cossack in my living room, he told a funny story at a Bar Mitzvah and got a good laugh. I'm a Jew, and my friend is Jewish enough for me.

Rabbi: [to Mahmud] Come back when you've found a better teacher.

Mahmud Nasir: And where do I find one of those, eh? Craig's list? Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this!

Rabbi: Well perhaps that's where you should start! Now if you don't mind, I've got a dying man's soul to take care of!

[Mahumd notices someone leave his real father's room, unaware that it is a Rabbi]

Mahmud Nasir: Dad?

[Tries to hug him]

Rabbi: Ugh! I don't think so. Firstly, you appear to be Muslim.

Mahmud Nasir: Yes, I'm sorry.

Rabbi: And secondly, I'm perhaps five years younger than you.

Mahmud Nasir: Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is Izzy Shimshillewitz in there?

Rabbi: Yes.

Mahmud Nasir: Can I go in, please?

Rabbi: Uh, I'm afraid not.

Mahmud Nasir: No, you don't understand. I'm his son, I think.

Rabbi: Do you have some sort of syndrome?

Mahmud Nasir: No, no, my real parents were Jews. I was adopted. I've just found out my birth name is Shimshillewitz.

Rabbi: Really? And you're definitely Isaac's son, are you?

Mahmud Nasir: Yes, yes... well, I must be.

Rabbi: Look, I'm sorry, but as Mr. Shimshillewitz is Rabbi, I have to think of his welfare first. He's a very sick man, now.

Mahmud Nasir: Then you have to let me in.

Rabbi: Look at you! A Muslim son? He's an observant Jew. It'd kill him stone dead.

Mahmud Nasir: What must I do?

Rabbi: What do you know about Jews?

Mahmud Nasir: They've got big noses? They like money... oh, they do. Uh, sportsmen?

Rabbi: OK, so the answer is nothing. Look, what you have to do, and quickly, is think about what it means to be a Jew, OK? And then we'll think about letting you in. Oh, and by the way, when you thought I was your Dad, sort of a shrivelled old man... was it because of the hairless thing? Because that is genetic. OK?

[Mahmud nods]

Motel: [on being evicted] Rabbi, we've been waiting all our lives for the Messiah. Wouldn't now be a good time for Him to come?

Rabbi: We'll have to wait for him someplace else. Meanwhile, let's start packing.

Tevye: And in the circle of our little village, We've always had our special types. For instance, Yente the matchmaker, Reb Nachum the beggar... And most important of all, our beloved Rabbi.

Leibesh: Rabbi! May I ask you a question?

Rabbi: Certainly, Lebisch!

Leibesh: Is there a proper blessing... for the Tsar?

Rabbi: A blessing for the Tsar? Of course! May God bless and keep the Tsar... far away from us!

Rabbi: That is blasphemy.

Jesus: Didn't they tell you? I am the saint of blasphemy. Don't make any mistakes, I didn't come here to bring peace, I came to bring a sword!

Rabbi: Talking like that will get you killed.

Jesus: Me, killed? Listen to me. This temple will be torn down in three days, torn down to the ground!