The Detective Quotes in The Driver (1978)

The Detective: I respect a man that's good at what he does. I'll tell you something, I'm very good at what I do.

The Detective: A friend of yours told me where to find you in the middle of the day.

The Driver: I don't have any friends.

The Detective: That's right. No friends. No steady job. No girlfriend. You live real cheap, you never ask any questions... boy, you got it down real tight. So tight that there's no room for anything else. And that's a real sad song. Only trouble is, eh, sad songs ain't sellin' this year. Maybe I'm your friend.

The Detective: I really like chasing you.

The Driver: Sounds like you got a problem.

The Detective: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna catch me the cowboy that's never been caught. Cowboy desperado.

The Detective: [the Driver has just been caught redhanded retrieving the money bag from the train station locker.] Caught ya.

The Detective: [the Driver hands the bag to the Detective, who smilingly opens it. His smile disappears: it's empty.] What happened?

The Driver: Looks like we both got swindled.

The Detective: Looks like we both got ripped off. By the Exchange Man.

The Driver: Lotta crooks around these days.

[walks away.]

The Detective: Nice Place. Terrific view. Wow.

The Player: You didn't come up here to tell me that.

The Detective: You saw the man in the car. And you saw the man against the brick wall. And you know it's the same man. Yet you didn't identify him. Are you afraid of him?

The Player: No.

The Detective: Are you afraid of me?

The Player: No. I just don't like you.

The Detective: Well, well, here's my new man. How do you like it here so far?

Red Plainclothesman: Just great.

The Detective: Let's get something straight right now. I don't like new men. They make mistakes.

Red Plainclothesman: Well, I haven't made any yet.

The Detective: Yeah, yeah. You're new. That's a mistake. And you talk too much... that's a mistake. That's the first thing you can learn. When you're talking, you're not thinking. Never talk... unless you have to.

The Detective: That's the trouble with lowlifes... they're unreliable.

The Detective: I'm gonna help you be a better cop. You know how? You know what you do first thing every morning? Read the sports page. You know why? Best part of the newspaper. Winners, losers, how it happened, score. And we got a much better game than the one they give the players. They don't retire us after 10 years. Just one thing: you gotta be a player. A real player, not just fillin' out a position.

The Detective: Planning on looking for work soon?

The Driver: My line of work is kind of hard to come by.

The Detective: It depends on where you look.

The Driver: It depends on who you are.

The Detective: I dunno. Some of the criminal types these days, they, eh, think that they're real cowboys. Think they can just, eh, drive around...do whatever they wanna do...whenever they wanna do it.

[chuckles]

The Detective: I respect a man who's good at what he does. I'll tell you something else: I'm *very* good at what I do.

The Detective: Today's your lucky day. I'm feeling generous. I'm gonna give you a choice. You and your boys can do one more job. A bank, a nice big one, for free. You're just going to hire a new driver, that's all. A good one.

Glasses: I don't work with cops.

The Detective: Oh, gosh. I wish you hadn't said that.

[punches Glasses]

The Detective: How old are you? Twenty-two. I did a little checking.

The Player: What else did you check?

The Detective: Well, a girl as young as yourself, you sure have been around the track a few times, honey. Led a real active life.

The Player: Get out!

The Detective: No. We're going to do a little business, you and I.

[shows her a photo of The Driver]

The Detective: Look at it! Are you sure it's not him?

The Player: It's not him.

The Detective: Oh, really? Maybe you should be afraid of me. I ran a make on you.

[smiles]

The Detective: You're clean. No problem. Of course, there *was* that one little scrape. Remember? The kinda nasty one? The one that got swept under the rug? Now when your memory improves, honey, give me a call.

[leaves]

The Detective: Now, about last night... oh, I forgot.

[chuckles]

The Detective: Your memory's not too good about last night.

The Driver: I remember everything.

The Detective: Alone in your room.

The Driver: Yeah.

The Detective: You can do better than that.

The Driver: I don't have to.

[the Detective dumps a full cup of hot coffee in The Driver's lap; reacting to the pain, he jumps up into a fighting stance]

The Detective: Go ahead, throw it! It'll cost ya two years.

[Goads The Driver by offering his chin]

The Detective: You wanna throw it, go on! Go on! *Go on.* Now, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna catch the cowboy that's never been caught - cowboy desperado. Now get outta here.

The Detective: [reacting sarcastically to her sullen response as she opened the door] I guess that means I can come in.

[enters, looks around]

The Detective: Nice place.

[walks toward picture window]

The Detective: Terrific view. Hah.

The Player: You didn't come here to tell me that.

The Detective: [getting to the point] You saw the man who was driving the car, and you saw the man up against the brick wall, and you know it is the same man, yet you didn't identify him. Are you afraid of him?

The Player: No.

The Detective: Are you afraid of me?

The Player: [slowly turns around] No.

[looks at him disdainfully]

The Player: I just don't like you.

The Detective: Hmm. You had a reason?

[the Driver, hiding in next room, overhears]

The Detective: [deeply pensive, mocking] Must be because I'm such a good cop. How old are you?

[she doesn't respond]

The Detective: Twenty-two. I did a little checking.

The Player: [inwardly wincing] What else did you check?

The Detective: Well, a young girl like yourself, you sure have been around the tracks a few times, honey. Gmph! Led a real active life.

The Player: [had been keeping herself in check for a long time] Get out!

The Detective: No. We're gonna do a little business, you and I.

[retrieves a photograph of The Driver from inside jacket pocket, tapping it menacingly as he waves it at her]

The Detective: Look at it!

[she turns her head slowly]

The Detective: You sure that is not him?

The Player: It's not him.

The Detective: Really? Maybe you ought to be afraid of me.

[stuffs photo back in pocket, then leans forward confidentially, grinning]

The Detective: I ran a make on you. You're clean, no problem.

[circles her]

The Detective: Course there was that one little scrape. You remember? That kinda nasty one?

[very coldly]

The Detective: The one that got swept under the rug?

[letting that sink in]

The Detective: Now, when your memory improves, honey, give me a call.

[walks out, as she gives a cold sardonic smile to herself]

[last lines]

The Detective: Fucking coward!

The Critic: So, you wanna get some Chinese after the show?

The Detective: Yeah, let's get them!

The Critic: I meant food.

The Detective: [to Violet] Little girl, the big cage door is open. No snake. Dead guy. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, "Who woke me up at nine in the morning for this?"

The Detective: I thought I knew avant garde.

The Critic: I thought I knew avant garde.

The Detective: I know Avant Johnson.

The Critic: You know Avant Johnson? I used to shave his grandmother.

Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?

The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe.

[to Olaf]

The Detective: Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

[after Count Olaf's plan to legally marry Violet during "The Marvelous Marriage" is revealed]

Mr. Poe: You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!

The Detective: For what?

Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!

Count Olaf: Oh... I'm the monster? *I'm* the monster?

[grins evilly]

Count Olaf: *You're* the monster. These children tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever listens to children! You think you're innocent? You're accomplices! This certificate says that I have the fortune now! And there's nothing you can do about it!

Violet Baudelaire: He's Count Olaf and he tried to kill us with a train!

The Detective: Where is this man gonna get a train?

Count Olaf: [as Stephano] Where am I gonna get a train?