Sam Bell Quotes in Maybe Baby (2000)

Ewan Proclaimer: "Sick Junkie" is a comedy about a group of normal, ordinary kids - all heroin addicts, of course. Possibly Welsh, maybe Irish, probably Scottish. We see a week in their ordinary, mundane lives. They inject heroin into their eyeballs. They have babies in toilets. They get AIDS. They try and raise veins on their private parts in order to inject more heroin. They kill a social worker. They have anal sex in exchange for heroin, which turns out to be cut with bleach, and kills them. They have abortions. They're raped by gangs of English policemen.

Sam Bell: [interrupting] Excuse me. Um, I just want to make sure I'm following this... This is a comedy we're discussing, is it?

Ewan Proclaimer: It's total comedy. But real comedy about what's actually happening to kids today. Not escapist English crap.

Lucy Bell: [reading] Samuel Bell: sperm test. 30% sluggish.

Sam Bell: Sluggish? Is that the word they use?

[Lucy nods]

Sam Bell: Well, couldn't they have found a nicer way of putting it? Like relaxed or unhurried? Relaxed, laid back sperm I can handle, but sluggish?

Lucy Bell: Motility poor.

Sam Bell: Oh, that is just an outrageous slur!

Lucy Bell: 41% swimming in the wrong direction.

Sam Bell: They're in a plastic pot! How are they supposed to know what the right direction is?

Ewan Proclaimer: This stuff is great... but it occurs to me that we might be missing out on some comedy. What if Rachel's fertility meds gets mixed in with Colin's drug stash and she injects that instead?

Sam Bell: [sarcastically] Yes, that would be good, except, damn! Colin doesn't take drugs.

Ewan Proclaimer: What do you think?

Sam Bell: Honestly, with the disappearance of the rainforests, I thought it was ecologically unsound for him to turn in such a wooden performance. Anal, repressed, and uptight.

Ewan Proclaimer: Exactly! A totally convincing Englishman.

Sam Bell: [singing] I've my sperm test tomorrow and my pot is on the shelf. I've got my sperm test tomorrow and my pot is on the shelf. I'm gonna have to go in, sit down, and abuse myself.

Lucy Bell: [about Sam's sperm test] Conclusion...

Sam Bell: I've got slack, stupid sperm. That's the bloody conclusion. The stuff's been dawdling back up my dick all these years, bumping into each other, getting their abnormal tails tangled.

Sam Bell: Lucy, if I have to serve a life sentence for what I did, can't I at least serve it with you?

Lucy Bell: Is that a line from your new screen play?

Sam Bell: No... well yes, but I still mean it.

Sam Bell: [seeing each other for the first time in months] You look wonderful.

Lucy Bell: You look like Rasputin.

Lucy Bell: I hope Dick and Debbie know what I'm going through for them.

Sam Bell: Well, you can tell them some day.

Lucy Bell: There's only a one in five chance.

Sam Bell: Lucy, any child of yours would be one in a million.

Man Wrestling for Cab: I am in a hurry. I have some very important meetings.

Sam Bell: Yeah, well I've got some sperm up my arse and it's dying!

Sam Bell: Lucy and I have to have a post-coital compatability test. Which means having it off and having a doctor look at the aftermath.

George: Why would you imagine I would want to know that?

Sam Bell: You'd be okay?

GERTY: Of course. The new Sam and I will be back to our programming as soon as I finished rebooting.

Sam Bell: Gerty, we're not programmed. We're people, do you understand?

Sam Bell: You've been up here too long man. You've lost your marbles.

[Sam is making a video phone call from the Moon to his home on Earth, while covering the camera with his hand]

Eve: Hello?

Sam Bell: Is this the Bell residence?

Eve: This is the Bell residence. Could you call back? There's something wrong with the picture.

Sam Bell: I'm trying to reach Tess Bell.

Eve: I'm sorry, she passed away some years ago.

[long pause]

Sam Bell: Are you sure?

Eve: Yeah, I think so. I'm her daughter. Can I help you?

Sam Bell: ...Eve?

Eve: Yeah.

Sam Bell: Hi! Hi, Eve. How old... How old are you now?

Eve: I'm 15. Do I know you?

Sam Bell: Sweetheart... How did mommy die, sweetheart? How did mommy die?

Eve: [turns around and calls to someone off-screen] Dad!

Dad: Yeah.

Eve: There's someone asking about mom.

Dad: Who's asking about mom?

[Sam immediately breaks off the call]

Sam Bell: Are you OK with that?

GERTY: I'm here to keep you safe, Sam. I want to help you.

Sam Bell: You look like a radioactive tampon... like a banana with a yeast infection.

Sam Bell: Well then I'm goin back, that's it for me.

Clone #2: Pfft!

Sam Bell: What?

Clone #2: Is that what you really think?

Sam Bell: Yea, I've got a contract... I'm, I'm goin home.

Clone #2: You're a fuckin' clone, you don't have shit!

Sam Bell: Hey, I'm goin home!

Clone #2: You're not going anywhere! You know you've been up here too long man, you've lost your marbles. Whuddya think, that Tess is back home waiting for you on the sofa in lingerie? What about the original Sam, Uh?

Sam Bell: I'M THE ORIGINAL SAM... I'M SAM FUCKIN' BELL, ME! ME!

Clone #2: Hey, whoa!

Sam Bell: Gerty, am I clone?

GERTY: Are you hungry?

Clone #2: Hey, hey... don't get your fuckin' panties in a twist. I'm in the same boat, asshole!

Sam Bell: Gerty, is there someone else in the room?

Sam Bell: Listen, why don't you relax. Why don't you take a pill, bake a cake, go read the encyclopedia.

GERTY: Would you like some hot sauce on your beans?

Sam Bell: No, my tummy's a little tender, actually. But, thank you. Thank you, Gerty.

Sam Bell: [crying] I wanna go home.