Richard Quotes in Colombiana (2011)

Richard: The CIA is not an amusement park.

Special Agent James Ross: She got the drop on me in my home, and she told me that if I don't bring her the whereabouts of this man, she's going to kill a member of my family every week until I have none left.

Richard: Are you kidding me?

Special Agent James Ross: Does it seem to you that I would make something like this up? So why don't you just tell me what I should do?

Richard: Call 9-1-1.

Richard: So, what was your name again?

Claude: Claude.

Richard: Oh. Well, that's a very odd name for someone from... uh... where are you from again?

Claude: Mbasa.

Richard: Yeah, that's a very odd name for someone from Mbasa.

Claude: Have you ever been to Mbasa?

Richard: Um, no.

Claude: Then what do you know about it?

Richard: What did you do to me?

Liu Jian: I put a needle in your neck.

Richard: That's it?

Liu Jian: In a certain point. Very forbidden. It's called the Kiss of the Dragon.

Richard: Kiss my ass!

Richard: There is a time for diplomacy and a time for action. Diplomacy is dead.

[Richard with a gun to Isabel's head]

Liu Jian: Wait! You're making a big mistake.

Richard: Am I?

Liu Jian: In the second it takes you to kill her, I will have all the time I need to kill you...

[Richard handing Isabel a matchbox car]

Richard: Here, sweetie.

Isabel: Don't you have any Barbies?

Richard: All my Barbies are working.

[Richard and his men chased Liu inside the supply room]

Richard: Check the vent!

Thug: I think...

Richard: [shoots him] Don't think!

Liu Jian: I don't like to get bored.

Richard: Me neither, but you turn out to be VERY boring.

Richard: Sometimes the best are also the worst. It's really sad.

Liu Jian: We need to get him to the hospital.

Richard: [refering to the Chinese customer] He doesn't want to go to a hospital. He want to go to heaven.

[Richard shoots the Chinese customer]

Liu Jian: [shocked] Why did you kill him?

Richard: The question is "Why did you kill him?" Thanks for the help, Johnny.

Richard: [on the walkietalkie] This is Anne Frank. Hitler 2, come in.

Dude: [Holding up a detonator while everyone is shooting at him] Bomb!

[Shooting fades]

Dude: Big bomb-that-could-take-out-a-whole-city-block bomb!

[Shooting stops]

Dude: Do I have your attention?

[pause]

Dude: What's wrong with you people? You're all busy trying to blow up the world in the name of God! Newsflash, fucktards: God doesn't need your help! He's GOD!

[Patriotic music plays]

Dude: And He... She... It... They gave you life... and you're wasting it! Look around you. Look.

[pause]

Dude: Look, god damn it!

[everyone looks at each other]

Dude: See? We're not that different. That's because we all come from the same family called "Humanity". And what do families do? Do they fight? Yeah, but they work it out. That's because they love each other... and that they know they're stuck with each other. Just like how we all are. Here on this big crazy mudball we call Earth. So come on, guys! Let's try to find some common ground here.

Richard: Uh, well... we all hate Jews!

Mohammed: [Everyone seems to agree]

[to a Taliban]

Mohammed: Everybody knows that.

Dude: No, not a hate thing!

[Everyone groans in disappointment]

Dude: A happy thing! I think it's time to empty our hands of guns and fill them... with hugs.

[Everyone starts crying and holding hands]

Dude: If you want to waste this precious gift we call life, I can't stop you. So, go ahead: Shoot... or

[spreads arms out]

Dude: hug.

[pause]

Mohammed: [Nods] Shoot him.

Dude: [Everyone opens fire at Dude who goes back behind the car] YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

Richard: [about the terrorists] They only want to spread the flu in the United States. So, in order to fufil the prophecy in Dave's bible, we must wipe out the entire planet... WHICH brings us to you, Mr. Verne Troyer!

Verne Troyer: [to Uncle Dave] If he wrote anything about me in that book, you and I are gonna have a serious problem!

Richard: [Reading from Dave's Bible] And you shall know that the final day of reckoning will be at hand because on that day, a tiny entertainer will be RAPED by A THOUSAND MONKEYS!

Verne Troyer: That's it! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Uncle Dave: [regretfully] I'm so sorry, but-

[gets attacked by Verne Troyer]

Richard: [as the Babes are restraining Verne] No! Stop him! Stop him! We must do as God commands! BRING ON THE MONKEYS!

Uncle Dave: Ritchie, am I the only one who doesn't know of a fuckin' bomb shelter in my room?

Richard: It's not a bomb shelter, Uncle Dave.

[Opens vault]

Richard: It's a God shelter!

Richard: Come with me, Arvid. You're going to heaven with me.

Arvid: Heaven? What about the rock musicians? I killed a whole rock band!

Richard: [Richard just found out that bartender is a Devil] Dammit, I should've known... you little devil you... but I haven't seen you before!

Bartender: It's also my first pick-up

Richard: I want my brother!

Richard: My brother's so sweet. And has a beautiful voice.

Richard: What are you LOOKING at?

Emmeline: Your muscles.

Richard: What about them? You're really acting silly lately, Em. Always saying DUMB things like that. Always LOOKING at me funny! You're not coming down with something, are you? Don't give it to me.

Emmeline: We're never getting off this island, Richard.

Richard: Thanks to you!

Emmeline: This is where we live, Richard. This is our home, now and forever.

Richard: No! I could never live here with JUST you! I don't even like you! You never used to laugh at me! You never used to have secrets you wouldn't tell me!

Emmeline: Well, you're not so perfect either, Mr. Richard Lestrange. I've seen you playing with it, and I'll tell your father, IF he ever gets here.

Richard: YOU? I hate you!

[throws a rock at her, narrowly missing her]

Emmeline: You almost hit me!

Richard: Take it back! Take back what you said!

Emmeline: I've seen it all! What happens after you've been doing it a long time?

Richard: Shut up! That's not fair peeking! I don't peek on you!

Emmeline: That's a lie! You're always staring at my buppies.

Richard: Only 'cause they look so funny! You know what you look like now, Em? You look like one of those pictures Paddy had in his drawer. One of his hootchie-cootchie girls!

Richard: What would I ever do with out my Em?

Richard: [while eating fruit] Kiss me.

Emmeline: You're all sticky!

Richard: So what? Kiss me!

Emmeline: [kisses Richard, but Richard won't let her go] Stop! I can't breathe!

Richard: But I don't wanna stop.

Richard: I feel so a funny in my stomach.

Emmeline: Me too.

Richard: My heart's beating so fast.

Emmeline: Mine too.

Richard: [attempt at prayer] Our Father, Lord in heaven... kingdom come... with liberty and justice for all. Amen.

Richard: [overpowering Emmeline] Say "Richard is the smartest person on this island".

Emmeline: No!

Richard: Say it!

Emmeline: Stop it, Richard! I'm getting angry! Stop it! Get off!

Richard: Say it!

Emmeline: Richard is the smartest person on this island.

Richard: Fastest swimmer!

Emmeline: Fastest swimmer.

Richard: And the fastest runner!

Emmeline: Fastest runner.

Richard: Best hut builder!

Emmeline: You're the best at everything, Richard! Now get off!

Richard: [smirks] It's true.

Richard: [tries to kiss Emmeline, but she cringes]

Emmeline: I'm sorry, Richard.

Richard: You didn't want to all day yesterday, either. What's the matter, Em? Don't you love me anymore?

Emmeline: Yes, I love you more than ever, Richard.

Richard: Then why don't you wanna do it?

Emmeline: It just hurts right now, that's all. When it stops hurting, we'll do it.

Richard: When is THAT gonna be? I don't understand, Em. Why does it hurt?

Emmeline: I don't know. I don't know anything. But if you touch my tummy right now, you can feel it.

Richard: Feel what?

[puts his hand on Em's belly]

Richard: How'd you make your tummy move like that?

Emmeline: I'm not doing it.

Richard: It's not doing it by itself.

Emmeline: Yes it is.

Richard: There's so many things I don't understand, like why do the fish stop swimming and lie on top of the tide pools after a heavy rain? Why do you hear the waves inside the big shells? Why are all these funny hairs growing on me? I wish a big book with all the answers to every question in the world would drop out of the sky and land in my hands right now. I'd read it till I knew everything.

Emmeline: Oh Richard, you can't know everything. Only God knows everything.

Richard: God - He can't find us any better than Santa Claus.

Emmeline: [imitating Richard] It doesn't scare them off unless I can spear them!

[throws an umbrella that acted as the spear]

Richard: Aw, spear you!

Richard: And me? I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something. And if you find that moment... It lasts forever.

Richard: The only downer is, everyone's got the same idea. We all travel thousands of miles just to watch TV and check in to somewhere with all the comforts of home, and you gotta ask yourself, what is the point of that?

Richard: When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years.

Richard: Trust me, it's paradise. This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it.

Richard: I told myself spreading news was part of a traveller's nature, but if I was being completely honest, I was just like everybody else: shit-scared of the great unknown. Desperate to take a little piece of home with me.

Richard: After the funeral, we all tried to get back to normal.

Richard: But it just didn't seem right

Richard: It became clear the problem was Christo

Richard: You see, in a shark attack, or any other major tragedy, I guess the important thing is to get eaten and die, in which case there's a funeral and somebody makes a speech and everybody says what a good guy you were

Richard: Or get better, in which case everyone can forget about it. Get better or die.

Richard: It's the hanging around in between that really pisses people off.

Richard: Anywhere you go,desire is desire. The sun cannot bleach it, nor the tide wash it away...

[first lines]

Richard: My name is Richard. So what else do you need to know? Stuff about my family, or where I'm from? None of that matters. Not once you cross the ocean and cut yourself loose, looking for something more beautiful, something more exciting and yes, I admit, something more dangerous. So after eighteen hours in the back of an airplane, three dumb movies, two plastic meals, six beers and absolutely no sleep, I finally touch down; in Bangkok.

Richard: I just feel like everyone tries to do something different, but you always wind up doing the same damn thing.

[last lines]

Richard: And me, I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for, 'cause it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something, and if you find that moment... it lasts forever...

Etienne: One kilometer.

Françoise: Two.

Etienne: Richard?

Richard: I dunno; I'm American.

Etienne: So?

Richard: I think in miles, not kilometers.

Etienne: Okay, so how many miles do you think it is?

Richard: I dunno, but it looks like a long way away.

Richard: I had nothing left to offer but pure reflex. Pure reflex and mankind's basic drive for survival, that somehow shouts, "NO - I WILL NOT DIE TODAY!"

Richard: You hope, and you dream. But you never believe that something's gonna happen for you. Not like it does in the movies. And when it actually does, you want it to feel different, more visceral, more real. I was waiting for it to hit me, but it just wouldn't happen. The police were pissed cuz he was traveling under a false passport. But they didn't ask me about the map, so - I didn't tell 'em.

Richard: No offence an' all, but, you're fucked in the head, right?

Hustler: Hey! Do you need somewhere to stay?

Richard: Well, I'll be fine. I'll find my own place thanks!

Hustler: Good time boy! Girl! Fucking! No problem.

Hustler: You wanna drink snake blood?

Richard: Wait a minute, did you say snake blood?

Hustler: Oh yeah!

Richard: No thanks.

Hustler: What is wrong with snake blood?

Richard: I just don't like the idea.

Hustler: Or maybe you're scared, afraid of something new!

Richard: No, I just don't like the idea, that's all.

Hustler: Ah-ha! Just like every tourist, you are all the same, just like America!

Sal: Okay, it's like this. Bugs is my boyfriend, my partner. Okay? And you are someone I just had sex with. All right?

Richard: Oh, tha - that's fine. That's absolutely fine.

Sal: Good. Now get some sleep. I may wish to have sex again before we eat breakfast.

Keaty: [Keaty interrupts Richard whilst watching Francoise and pretending to read his book] One: she's just teasin' ya.

Richard: What are you talking about?

Keaty: Two: you don't speak French. Three: he speaks French. In fact, even better than that, four: he IS French. Five: he's much better at football - sorry, sorry, SOCCER - than you. And six: you're a bit strange, Rich. Some girls like that in a man, but not usually the sort of girls you wanna be with.

Richard: Is that right?

Keaty: Come on, your last girlfriend chucked ya, there must've been a reason.

Richard: It was not my fault!

Keaty: And seven: look at - look at your thumbs, man! They're well defined!

Richard: Wh-what is that supposed to mean?

Keaty: You play a lot of video games! That is a powerful index of incompatabilty.

Richard: Why do I get the feeling like you're trying to tell me something?

Keaty: You haven't a hope mate - not a bleedin' chicken's chance in Thailand. Know what I mean?

Richard: Thank you.

Keaty: So, enjoy the beach and cut the bullshit.

Richard: [softly] Thank you very much.

Keaty: It's my pleasure.

Etienne: Oh fuck! Richard! Fuck!

Richard: What?

Etienne: I saw a fin!

Richard: What? Are you joking?

Etienne: No, no. A fin!

Richard: OK, a shark fin?

Etienne: I don't know! Just a fin! Over there, about a hundred meters.

Richard: Well, was it big?

Etienne: Yes.

Richard: Well, what the fuck do you expect me to do about it?

Etienne: Nothing! I just thought you should know!

Richard: Well, to be honest, Etienne, I'd rather you hadn't told me!

Etienne: I'm sorry!

Richard: Well, it's a bit fuckin' late now, isn't it?

Richard: [voiceover] Our resident chef was known as Unhygienix.

Unhygienix: Let's cook!

Richard: [voiceover] On account of his obsession with soap.

Unhygienix: Fish, fish, fish!

[Scrubs hands and sniffs them]

Unhygienix: Still I smell of fish!

Françoise: What are you talking about?

Richard: Just making conversation.

Françoise: Do you have a girlfriend?

Richard: Here?

Françoise: Anywhere.

Richard: No, why?

Françoise: Just making conversation.

Richard: Alright alright alright alright. Now before I start there's-there's just a couple things you have to remember... Number one: you have to remain calm, right? And number two: you have to show no fear, because the sharks, you see, the sharks they can sense that fear, just as easily as they can sense blood. And so it went for me. Just as I knew it would. Just as nature had ordained, its jaw wide open. Row upon row of these razor sharp teeth glinting underwater like jagged diamonds. Its tail fin sweeping back and forth as it surged in for the kill. I swear to God, my whole life flashed before my eyes. Really, I had nothing left to offer except for pure reflex. Pure relfex, and mankind's basic drive for survival that somehow shouts NO! I WILL NOT! DIE! TODAY! And at that instant man I knew it was either the shark or me. The shark knew it. I knew it. But jeez God, i-it's nothing p-personal, ya know, it's just the way the world works, right? It's nature. But, if I remember correctly, in that last glimmer of its eyes... there was a moment between us... where it said hey Richard man... enjoy your dinner.

Richard: Oh, God!

Etienne: Putain de merde!

Etienne: Well?

Richard: Well, what?

Etienne: How do we get down?

Richard: How do we get down? How am I supposed to know? Do I have to decide everything now?

Françoise: We'll jump.

Etienne: Fuck! You wanted to be in command, Richard.

Richard: I only took command, because you lost your nerve, French boy!

Etienne: Yeah, and look where you've taken us !

[Large shot on the waterfall]

Richard: [suffocates Christo, then kisses him on the forehead]

Richard: With this ring, I thee wed, Lilli.

Lilli: With this ring, I thee wed, Richard.

[They exchange wedding rings]

Lilli: And now were...

Richard: One. Forever.

Capt. Jacob Hilliard: We appreciate your hospitality and hope you will offer us the opportunity to repay you.

Richard: You can. You can take us with you back to civilization...

Sylvia Hilliard: I should think it must be ever so boring here.

Richard: What is the meaning of boring.

Sylvia Hilliard: Well boring's when... you have nothing whatever to do. So you're bored, like you must be here.

Richard: [suggestively] No. We're never bored!

Lilli: I'm gonna keep this forever.

Richard: What's that?

Lilli: My prize. The white bead. I think... It looks nice in my hair. Do you?

Richard: I don't care what you do with it, or how you wear it. You can hang it from you nose for all I care.

Sylvia Hilliard: It's no time to be thinking about Lilli!

Richard: I told her I'd never hurt her.

Sylvia Hilliard: Don't feel sorry for her, Richard. She's had you all to herself. But she doesn't own you. You're not married!

Richard: We are married!

Sylvia Hilliard: But not really. A lot of made up words in the middle of the jungle doesn't count!

Richard: It does to me.

Sylvia Hilliard: Why don't you just... Follow your heart

Richard: Lilli is my heart.

Lilli: You lied to me.

Richard: When did I lie to you?

Lilli: You promised you'd never hurt me.

Richard: [concerned] And when did I hurt you?

Lilli: Every time you stare at her, you hurt me.

Richard: Well, I'm sorry. It's just that she's so different.

Lilli: Mother died six years ago.

Capt. Jacob Hilliard: How do you follow the years?

Richard: She taught us. We count the moons, we know that twelve full moon are one year.

Lilli: We have Christmas and Thanksgiving, and Easter, although we're not exactly sure we celebrate them on the right days.

Capt. Jacob Hilliard: It's utterly amazing, the two of you all these years in this remote, Godforsaken place.

Lilli: Not Godforsaken, Captain Hilliard. Not Godforsaken at all.

[last lines]

Lilli: There's a baby growing inside me.

Richard: [excited] Lilli... How do you know?

Lilli: [smiles] A woman knows these things... that's how.

[Richard smiles excitedly at her]

Lilli: I won't let it be born in civilization. I want it to be born right here. Where there's no evil, and no lies, and no guns.

Richard: You're right. Well stay here. Just the three of us. I love you, Lilli.

Lilli: I always weather a storm well. I get that from Mother.

Richard: Yes, you do. Captain Hilliard says he wants to set sail at dawn.

Lilli: [sadly] I guess that means that Captain Hilliard's daughter wants to set sail at dawn.

Richard: I don't care what she wants. I don't care about her at all, I know that now, Lilli. Do you understand? You're the most important thing in the whole world to me.

Lilli: Well you can set sail at dawn... But we're not going.

Richard: You remember when I wanted to go to the north side of the island, just because I couldn't.

Lilli: [glares at him] Yes I do. And I also remember what almost happened to you when you did go!

Tommy: [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?

Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.

Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.

Richard: [embarrassed] Wow.

Tommy: Richard? Is this your coat?

Richard: Don't do it.

Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.

Richard: Don't

Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.

Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!

Tommy: Richard! What's happening?

[coat rips]

Tommy: Uh oh!

Michelle: I saw your step mom and your step brother and he was kissing her.

Tommy: So?

Michelle: With his tongue.

Tommy, Richard: UGH.

Richard: He's doing his mommy?

Richard: I want a hotdog!

Richard: No, Marc we can do this!

Marc: No. No, we can't.

Richard: Ya, this is lame.

Richard: We hit gold! Or a Skull!

Richard: Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this sun of York, And all the clouds that glower'd upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried. Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths, our bruised arms hung up for monuments, our stern alarums changed to merry meetings, our dreadful marches to delightful measures. Grim vised war has smoothed his wrinkled front And now instead of mounting barbed steeds to fright the souls of fearful adversaries he capers nimbly in a lady's chamber to the lascivious pleasing of a lute! But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks nor made to court an amorous looking glass, I that am rudely stamped and want love's majesty to strut before a wanton ambling nymph, I that am curtailed of fair proportion, cheated of feature by dissembling nature deformed, unfinished, sent before my time into breathing world scarce half made up and so lamely and unfashionable that dogs do bark at me as I halt by them...

[Richard has given Art his manual to read and is nervously hovering in the next room]

Richard: What page are you on now?

Art: I'm on page shut the fuck up.

[after a minute, Richard tries to quietly open the door]

Art: I've got CP, I'm not deaf!

Richard: Who's your daddy?

Jenna: Wayne Rink!

Richard: Jenna, my balls - Excuse my French - are in an iron vice. Corporates are twisting and squeezing like a bunch of dominatrixes on steroids, and now Lucy is presenting her own re-design without you. Could you tell me what is going on?

Jenna: What is going on is that you are going to have more choices.

Richard: With all due respect to Lucy, I'm far more anxious to know what you've been working on.

Jenna: Thank you.

Richard: I'm not trying to compliment you. I'm trying to pressure you.

Jenna: How long until your balls get totally squished?

Richard: Hopefully never, I'm rather attached to my balls.

Jenna: Can they hang in there til five?

Lucy: [regarding security breaches at the company] Jenna fired Charlotte yesterday.

Richard: Did you? Good. I guarantee she had friends at Sparkle. She was always taking notes.

Lucy: She was a secretary.

Richard: Yeah, whatever.

Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.

Frank: [sarcastically] It is? Really?

Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level.

Frank: [sarcastically] Wow, Richard, you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?

Richard: Oh, that ones on the house.

Richard: Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.

Grandpa: Are you gettin' any?

Richard: Dad!

Grandpa: You can tell me, Dwayne. Are you gettin' any?

Richard: Come on, please.

Grandpa: [Dwayne shakes his head] No? Jesus. You're what? Fifteen? My God, man!

Richard: Dad!

Grandpa: You should be gettin' that young stuff.

Richard: Dad!

Grandpa: That young stuff is the best stuff in the whole world.

Richard: Hey! Hey! Dad! That's enough! Stop it!

Grandpa: Will you kindly not interrupt me, Richard! See, right now you're jailbait, they're jailbait. It's perfect. I mean, you hit 18, man! You're talkin' about three to five.

Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.

Richard: Okay, dad, I think we get it.

Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Are you getting it? Is it going in anywhere? No, don't show me the pad. I don't wanna see the fucking pad.

Richard: There's two kinds of people in this world, there's winners and there's losers. Okay, you know what the difference is? Winners don't give up.

Sheryl: What did he say?

Richard: I'll tell you when I regain consciousness.

Richard: Hey, I will pull this truck over, right now!

Grandpa: So, pull the truck over! You're not gonna shut me up! FUCK YOU! I can say what I want!

Olive: Mom? Dad?

Richard: [half asleep] What is it, hon?

Olive: Grandpa won't wake up.

Richard: Everybody just pretend to be normal.

Pageant Official Jenkins: [outraged at Olive's talent act] What is your daughter doing?

Richard: She's kickin' ass... that's what she's doing.

Frank: [recounting his unrequited love for his student] He fell in love with another man,a colleague of mine; Larry Sugarman.

Sheryl: Who's Larry Sugarman?

Frank: Probably the second highest regarded Proust scholar in th US.

Richard: Who's number 1?

Frank: That would be me Rich.

Richard: Really?

Grandpa: Again with the fucking chicken.

Richard: Dad.

Grandpa: It's always with the goddamn fucking chicken.

[first lines]

Richard: There are two kinds of people in this world, winners and losers.

Richard: Sweet sweetness!

Richard: It's this Sunday? Why can't Jeff and Cindy take her?

Sheryl: They have some equestrian thing in Santa Barbara.

Richard: You know, they do that horse shit every-single-weekend.

Sheryl: Well, it's the nationals. They're taking both horses, so apparently it's a big deal.

Frank: Did you know that "a la mode", in French, translates literally to "in the fashion"? A la moooode... It comes from the latin word modus to do or proper measure.

Richard: Frank shut up.

[lying to the mortuary service about why the dead grandfather is in their car]

Richard: We were driving for five or six hours... and we thought he was napping...

Kirby: Your packet has tickets in it, and there's your badge number.

Richard: Okay.

Kirby: Is there anything else?

Richard: Uh, yeah. Is there a funeral home around here?

Richard: [as he rolls up the sheet that covered Grandpa and packs the bags in the trunk of the bus] You know, Olive, Grandpa would have been proud of you today.

Olive: Really?

Sheryl: You were great.

Frank: You were better than great.

Dwayne: You were incredible.

Richard: It's stuck or something.

Sheryl: Try pulling it from here.

Richard: I can't slow down. I can't slow down.

Sheryl: Come on, Olive.

Frank: Come on, sweetie, jump. Jump in the car.

Richard: We're going to California.

Richard: [Richard is having a late-night snack while talking to Sam and Nick] There's some asshole at work you have to kowtow to, and you find yourself doing things you thought you'd never do. But you try and minimize that stuff; be the best person you can be. But you set your priorities. And that's the way life is. I wonder if your friend Alex knew that. One thing's for sure, he couldn't live with it. I know I shouldn't talk; you guys knew him. But the thing is... no one ever said it would be fun. At least... no one ever said it to me.

Richard: [talking to Karen about her former friends] I can't believe these are the same people you've been talking about all these years.

Richard: Oh, Gwen! Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus! Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. I'm releasing some of my seminal fluids inside of you now!

[grunts and giggles]

Gwen: Are you okay?

Richard: Yeah. Why? Well, didn't you?

Gwen: Well, it's kind of hard in 15 seconds.

Richard: Damn it, Gwen! You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams.

Gwen: I'm sorry.

Richard: Look, I'm sorry. This semester's marks could determine in the next 10 years of our lives together. Do you realize that?

Gwen: You know... you shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.

Richard: [laughs] What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm late for my study group.

Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?

Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven.

Jeannie: Oh my god! We make such a fab team! Last Night, I was so like Bonnie, and you were so like Clyde. And now this.

Richard: Would you shut up? I'm trying to pleasure you.

Jeannie: Sorry, Richard. Plesure away. PS, this is an awesome room.

Richard: PS, shut the fuck up!

Richard: You're going to miss the biggest party of the year!

[Crickets chirp]

Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard!

Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!

Van Wilder: Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?

Richard: This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.

Van Wilder: Graphic.

Richard: Gwen, what are you doing here?

Van Wilder: You two know each other?

Richard: That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!

Richard: How bad do you want to be a Delta? Would you stand on broken glass? Let the shards into your Archilles tendon, causing acute achondroplasia, which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older?

[while having sex with Jeannie]

Richard: P.S. Shut the fuck up!

Gordon: Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.

Richard: Dad...

Gordon: Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first met them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.

[first lines]

Richard: It's important you understand, it's not you, it's me. What we have is so special. I love you more than I can say, but I'm sorry, truly, because, I fucked up.

[we see that he is talking to a young boy]

Richard: Look, I owe you an explanation, but honestly, I don't know where to begin.

Richard: Tell me something, Dad. Why did you and Mom get married?

Gordon: What kind of an inane question is that for a Thursday evening?

Richard: For a man who revels in reckless promiscuity, your four marriages do beg some questions.

Gordon: Your mother fed me regularly. She pleasured me half decently now and then. What more could a man want?

Richard: Oh, I don't know, friendship? Someone to see the world with, have a laugh with? Maybe even start a family with.

Jake: [finding some panties lying around] Aren't these uncomfortable?

Richard: [snatching them] That's why girls love it when you take them off. Let's get some pancakes.

Richard: Where, oh, where did the love go?

Olivia: She turned 30 and wised up.

Richard: [to Olivia] Maybe you're better off without him. Think about it. You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful, terrible driver, but... I'm sure you'll find someone to overlook that.

Gordon: Joan left me. Silly cow.

Richard: Well, I'm sorry. Truly.

Gordon: Well, that makes me feel so much better. I mean, God almighty, thank you for those profound words of sympathy.

Richard: Well, it's a lot more than you ever said when Kate left me.

Gordon: Well, I warned you about her! She was a rampant little Yankee trollop.

Richard: You know what, Dad? Of course Joan left you. You're a misanthropic, misogynistic asshole who doesn't give a fuck about anybody, least of all the poor saps who you got to marry you in the first place.

Gordon: Is that it? Is that all you've got?

Richard: And you did it all in the name of some misguided credo called fun. Which you brainwashed me with in the first place.

Richard: Hey, you want to get a drink? Actually, maybe not. I've got a grueling lecture in an hour. How about a joint?

Richard: What the buggering hell are you doing here? You hate hospitals.

Gordon: You're right. I hate bloody hospitals. But I love the nurses.

Gordon: [in his hospital bed] Hey, Richard. You remember my epitaph.

Richard: Of course I do, Dad. Of course I do.

Mausoleum Placard: [cut to cemetery] To the memory of Prof. Gordon Haig, 1931 - 2014 - "Party's Over"

[last lines]

Jake: So how long are you staying?

Richard: [kneels down to him] Okay, Jakey, listen to me here. I have to sort out a few things first. But... maybe marrying your aunt might help.

Olivia: What?

Richard: Well, I *am* down on one knee.

Olivia: Then get up and kiss me again!

Richard: [about baby Calvin] He's adorable. In a National Geographic sort of way. Is he pygmy?

Richard: [pointing at a helicopter] You ever been in one of these things?

Kim: [impressed but ultracool] Yeah, we have one at home. This one's pretty small actually.

Richard: Do we pay extra for irony?

Kim: No, the irony's free, it's the sarcasm you're paying for. Ironically...

Jonny: [having called off the engagement] You're not upset?

Richard: She's lovely, but I trust you. Your mother, on the other hand...

Caroline: [unknowingly addressing party guests] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the happy couple.

Richard: [to Jonny] In the unlikely event of an emergency landing, the cabin crew will direct you to the nearest available exit...

Richard: [now walking toward Caroline] Okay baby, let's get you drunk.

Charles: The global financial melt-down is something that happened to other people, wasn't Madsen?

Richard: I warned you about those sub-primes. Greed's only good when it comes to lunch.

[first lines]

Richard: So the corrugated metal not only reflects the beauty of the common, off-the-shelf material but also emphasizes the invisible line between the old and the new construction.

Christine: Wait. There'll be a line?

Richard: It's invisible.

David: Just let him finish.

Christine: Oh, sorry.

[matter-of-factly, to Jessie, over breakfast]

Richard: You're nude in The Telegraph, dear. Can you pass the bacon?

Maddy: Are you OK? You seem tense.

Richard: Oh, no, no, no, I'm not, I'm not tense. Well, I did pass out today... and got hit in the head by a baseball... and brushed my teeth with shampoo... then butchered Rimsky- Korsakov in front of 1,500 people, and my clothes fell apart. But I'm not *tense*.

[Morris looks back at a chair he broke]

Morris: Sorry about that chair.

Richard: Oh, that's OK, it was... really old.

Morris: These are very good cigars. I want you to smoke one after you get a little. You do get a little?

Richard: Yeah... a little.

Paula: Oh, don't talk about Morris. All he cares about is his practical jokes.

Richard: I know, I know, I know, he's a percussionist, but still, that doesn't mean he's not a nice guy.

Richard: [Richard, playing a violin solo, begins to ad-lib his own composition. The conductor angrily taps on Richard's music stand] What?

The Conductor: [Sarcastically] This evening we are playing Scheherazade. Would you care to join us?

Richard: Oh.

Richard: [Looking at Maddy's richly decorated apartment] All this on just a tour guide's salary?

Maddy: I'll let you in on a little secret. My uncle, Burt, owns the company.

[She's talking towards to 2-way mirror, where Cooper and the others are watching]

Cooper: Adorable.

Maddy: [Richard and Maddy are being chased on the subway] Richard, tell me. Are you an agent?

Richard: No! But I used to have an agent.

Maddy: No! No. Do you work for the government? Are you a spy?

Richard: No, of course not. I'm no more a spy than you're spy.

Maddy: Richard... I am a spy.

Richard: You're a spy?

Paula: Remember Chicago? Fate? Kismet?

Richard: No, I don't remember, Paula. You got me drunk.

Mr. Thorn: [Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely] Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?

[Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]

Mr. Thorn: Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!

[Junior sits down at his desk]

Mr. Thorn: Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?

Polly: 136.

[Bows rather smart and sits back down]

Mr. Thorn: Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?

Richard: -8, sir.

[sits back down]

Mr. Thorn: Fine. Murph!

[cut to Murph picking his nose]

Mr. Thorn: Murph! What's 3 plus 2?

Murph: Mmmmm... 4.

[Everyone laughs]

Mr. Thorn: [sighs] Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?

Murph: 9?

[Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]

Mr. Thorn: I can see this is going to be a long year.

Junior: [angrily] 5, all right? The answer is 5!

Mr. Thorn: You!

[walks over to Junior's desk]

Mr. Thorn: What're you saying?

Junior: Uh, I said 5.

Mr. Thorn: Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.

Kate: Look, we're just a disgruntled employee and his pushy wife who want back what's theirs.

Richard: You didn't say ex-wife.

Richard: Well, don't you feel anything, Kate?

Kate: Yes, fear.

Richard: [last lines]

Richard: I love you.

Richard: I could have killed a nun! Many nuns possibly. Whole lot of dead nuns.

Doreen: You have a prostate exam at 2.

Richard: I'm going to miss these little talks, Doreen.

Richard: [asking about her teaching job] What is the job like?

Kate: Underpaid.

Richard: What are the students like?

Kate: Undermotivated.

Harry Block: This guy is too old for her.

Richard: He's younger than you are.

Harry Block: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.

Richard: There are no bears in Hungary. Unless we've crossed the border into Romania, in which case there ARE bears. If we're in Serbia, then... I don't know.

Harris: That's really interesting, Richard. Tell me something: are bears required to stop at borders? Is there some sort of, I don't know, passport control for bears?

Harris: [after Steve finds a tooth in the pie] Bit young to be losing your teeth, Steve.

Steve: It's not my tooth.

Richard: What?

Jill: Could it be the cow's tooth?

Steve: A cow with gold fillings?

Richard: I can't spell success without "u". And you, and you, and you...

Harris: There's only one "u" in success.

Richard: [Talking to Maggie about Palisade Defence, a weapons company] It's a public company. Members of both our governments are on the board. They're not going to do anything immoral!

Richard: [to Donnie Wahls] Hey, good luck... because you're gonna' need it.

[Richard explains to the board of directors the sign that cited the deli clerk as employee of the month for "cutting the cheese."]

Richard: 'Cutting the cheese' simply means 'cutting the actual cheese'. It doesn't have a double-thing? So I just missed it. Because in Canada, it's 'cracking'.

Mitch: The expression.

Richard: It's 'cracking', in Canada, yeah. We crack the cheese.

[Long pause between Richard and the board of directors]

Richard: Cracking it? Cracking the cheese? So I simply, really believed that Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award... for cutting the actual cheese. I'm sorry.

[Another long pause as a board member writes Richard's comments]

Richard: I simply believed Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award...

Mitch: I heard you the first time.

Richard: We're all just out here trying to get some food... sometimes, we bump into each other.

[During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads]

Retreat Leader: I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.

[Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head]

Retreat Leader: Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!

[Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh]

Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!

[Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh]

Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.

[Richard turns to his right]

Richard: Doug, can we take our sack off?

Doug Stauber: What?

[Everyone bursts in laughter]

Richard: Did you take your sack off?

Doug Stauber: I can't really hear you.

Retreat Leader: If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!

Richard: [whispers] Fuck!

[Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else]

Retreat Leader: Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.

Richard: My concentration skills need improvement!

[Everyone bursts into laughter]

[after giving his apology speech at a community center following his incident with a gang at the supermarket, Doug meets with Richard, the board of directors and the community leaders]

First Community Leader: I think everybody is feeling pretty good about it.

Richard: Yeah.

First Community Leader: It's isolated.

Richard: Oh yeah, it's a one-time thing.

First Community Leader: What's that?

Richard: I agree, it's isolated. I think it was just some 'black apples'. We won't be seeing that happen again.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader: Black apples.

Richard: What's that?

First Community Leader: You said, 'black apples'?

[Another long pause]

Richard: I said bad ones...?

First Community Leader: The fuck you said bad.

Richard: Bad apples?

First Community Leader: You said black.

Richard: I'm sorry if there's some confusion. Maybe in the confusion, I...

Mitch: Hey, come on. It's been a long day. That was a slip.

First Community Leader: This is a lot of shit.

Richard: You are not a black apple to me. I said, that possibly, there was one black one in the batch, not you. And I didn't mean to say black. I meant 'back'... 'blatch', blah... 'blapples'.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader: Where'd you get this fucker?

[the community leaders walk away as Mitch follows them]

Mitch: Let's catch up outside. I'll hit you with some gift certificates.

[Richard struggles to assemble a ship in a bottle while his motivational tape plays in the background]

Motivational Speaker: Have you ever seen an eagle blow his top? Do your best to keep your cool.

Richard: Stay loose...

[the ship tips over when Richard places his tweezers near it]

Richard: Fuck!

Motivational Speaker: Every life has its frustrations, but be careful not to let them get the best of you in front of your family. Instead of curses, find a more family-friendly way to express life's frustrations.

[Richard drops his tweezers inside the bottle, causing him to get up in anger]

Richard: Fuck you! Ship fuck! Asshole ship! Seven seas fucker! Jolly fucker!

Lori Wehlner: For Christ's sake...

Richard: No one can do that! It's impossible! Not even a guy with tiny hands! Not even a guy with a child's hands! Fuck that!

Hardy: Hey, Mr. Wehlner.

Richard: Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?

Hardy: I'm doing good.

Richard: What did you do last night?

Hardy: I went to the movies with my sister.

Richard: You did?

Hardy: Yeah.

Richard: That sounds awesome.

Hardy: Guess what?

Richard: What?

Hardy: I'm growing a mustache.

Richard: All right. That's cool.

[offers a handshake]

Richard: Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.

Hardy: Thanks.

Richard: Keep it up.

[as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him]

Doug Stauber: What's going on?

Richard: Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?

Doug Stauber: Why?

Richard: These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.

[Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard]

Richard: Hey!

[Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance]

Mitch: Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

Richard: You hear that guy? 'Where'd you get this fucker?' Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe he's right.

Lori Wehlner: You, you just... you said, 'blapples', hon. It was weird.

Richard: [knock on door] Yes?

Gabrielle: Mr. Benson?

Richard: You are, I assume, the young lady from the typing bureau?

Gabrielle: I am.

Richard: In that case, if we are to have a happy and harmonious relationship, I beg of you, never answer a question with a question. Is that clear?

Gabrielle: Did I?

Richard: There you go again, answering a question with a question. My original yes when you opened the door was a question, question mark implied of course. You do know the difference between implied and inferred?

Gabrielle: Isn't that a question?

Richard: [pauses] Yes.

Gabrielle: Well, you just answered my question with a question. To imply is to indicate without saying openly or directly, to infer is to conclude from something known or assumed.

Gabrielle: What's the story about?

Richard: It's an action/suspense, uh, romantic melodrama with lots of comedy, of course. And, uh, deep down underneath, a substrata of social comment.

Richard: You really like it, don't you.

Gabrielle: What?

Richard: Life.

Gabrielle: Oh! Every morning when I wake up and I see there's a whole new other day, I just go absolutely ape!

Gabrielle: You're not middle aged, Mr. Benson. In fact I think you're remarkably well preserved.

Richard: As chilling a compliment as I've ever received, Miss Simpson.

Richard: [showing Gabrielle the apartment] This is it. The office there, I live up here, and uh, the terrace is out there. That rather grotesque object looming so formidably on the horizon is the Eiffel Tower. I had it moved there to remind me what town I'm in. If it offends you, of course, I'll have it taken away again.

Gabrielle: It's quite all right, really. I once worked for an American novelist who could only write in the bathtub. I'm used to anything.

Richard: You can unpack -

[surprised]

Richard: in the bathtub?

Gabrielle: Yes. On the second day, I gave him a packet of bubble bath and from then on we got along swimmingly.

Richard: I see.

[pointing to the name on the birdcage]

Richard: Uh, does that imply that the bird's name is Richelieu?

Gabrielle: Oh, it's inferred, I believe, rather than implied.

Richard: [pause] "Swimmingly." Interesting figure of speech.

Richard: You call the canary Richelieu because you always wanted a cardinal.

Gabrielle: [laughs] That's very funny!

Richard: No, it isn't. Just one of the hazards of being an international wit, which I am. You have to keep trying all the time.

Richard: Take a note. For the textbook which I will someday write on the art of screenwriting: never play 13, 31, and the corners thereof for any serious length of time or any serious amount of money. It doesn't work.

Richard: And this guy you've got a date with on Bastille Day, is he part of the growth process?

Gabrielle: Oh no, he's just a friend, a struggling young actor.

Richard: [outraged] An actor!

[disgusted]

Richard: Eww. A tragic relation to begin with. I only hope he's not one of those method actors that who scratches and mumbles and pauses a lot, thereby destroying the impeccable rhythm of the author's prose.

Richard: [about the screenplay's main character] Now, I suppose we'll have to describe him.

Gabrielle: Yes, I suppose so.

Richard: He's American, of course. I can write him better that way. Now let's see, what else.

[looking in the mirror]

Richard: I see him as rather tall, rather suntanned, rather handsome athletic-looking with a rugged, but... curiously sensitive face.

Richard: I've got an idea. I've got an idea! First good one I've had in four months. No, that's not true. A few weeks ago I had an idea to give up drinking, but it didn't photograph.

Richard: Cut to the Eiffel Tower. The main title. The trumpets segue into the inevitable title song. Maybe we can get Sinatra to sing it.

[Frank Sinatra begins to sing]

Richard: Now then, the mysterious stranger. Who is he? What does he do? What suffering, what torment caused the deep sadness that lurks behind his eyes? And why, while we're asking questions, didn't I listen to my father and learn some sort of useful trade?

Richard: I've got it! Of course, it means we'll have to start all over again, but that's not too serious. We've only got eight pages.

Richard: He's not asking her to spend a weekend with him at a motel in Asbury Park, New Jersey, he's asking her to lunch!

Albie: He's mad at us, isn't he?

Richard: He told me I was "mentally retiring", or something like that.

Albie: Yeah?

Richard: Yeah.

Albie: He's angry with us, isn't he?

Richard: He gave me Hell.

Richard: Here we are!

Albie: Where?

Richard: In this shit...

Abe: I can't help it if I was a screamer!

Richard: And I can't help it if I was easy!

Richard: All that fuss over a bit of tit.

Richard: Look at you. Look at the state of you. You can't keep burning the candle at both ends you know.

Shane: [turns to him] It's my wick and I'll go out in flames if I want to.

Jane: Most people don't like to walk next to me.

Richard: Yeah, and why is that?

Jane: It implies friendship.

[Richard goes to check the engine of the Volkswagen van and it's gone]

Richard: I don't see it. Is it small?

[Announcer doing a commercial announcement before Gov. Santini's interview]

Richard: ...is brought to you by Soylent red and Soylent yellow, high energy vegetable concentrates, and new, delicious, Soylent green. The miracle food of high-energy plankton gathered from the oceans of the world.

[first lines]

Richard: Shall we say the words one last time?

Justin: One cannot live fully without embracing suicide in crime.

Richard: Say it.

Justin: A pact made with relentless fire that requires that, while some live, others die.

Richard: On three...

in unison: One, two, three

[gun shot]

Richard: Please, that chick spreads like peanut butter.

Richard: Man cannot live freely without embracing suicide and crime.

Justin: A pact made with relentless fire that says, while some live, others must die.

Cassie: Richard, what are you doing here?

Richard: What are you doing here? Do you want something?

Cassie: Like what?

Richard: I don't know... Everybody wants something.

Cassie: Is that right?

Richard: They just don't know how to ask for it.

Cassie: And what do you want?

Richard: You can't get fingerprints off of skin.

Justin: You can with a magna brush, or a print camera, or an iodine gun and silver transfer sheets.

Richard: I'm the only person who really cares about you... You know, I think I'm the only person who sees how incredible you really are.

Richard: [listening to loud rock music] Hey, Lisa! Wanna ride?

Lisa Mills: We already did that, Richard.

Richard: Oh, come on. That's not what I'm talking about.

[starts dancing]

Richard: Come on, it's fun in here.

[Lets go of the steering wheel]

Richard: You want me to beg? Please.

Lisa Mills: You're gonna get in an accident!

Richard: I don't - please! I don't care.

Richard: Come on.

Richard: Where are the boys?

Natalie: ...It's none of your business.

Richard: Oh, I see. They're my boys, but they're none of my business.

Richard: Did you see my new rig out there?

Natalie: It's nice.

Richard: It's not exactly new, I traded David the truck for it. It's got room for all of us. Good grocery-getting car. Hey, do you wanna take a ride?

Natalie: Richard... you don't change. You don't change, do you?

Richard: Change? No, I don't change. Everything around me changes. You change. You take my house... and you take my kids... and you fuck this other guy. But me, no, I don't change.

Richard: [to Frank, attacking him] Get out, motherfucker!

[first lines]

Richard: [narrating] God will forgive them. He'll forgive them and allow them into Heaven. I can't live with that.

Sonny: Hey man, how you doin'? Rich...

[offers handshake]

Sonny: [Richard refuses handshake]

Sonny: You ok?

Richard: Mmh

[nods head]

Sonny: You know the lads had this ridiculous idea th...

Richard: [Richard interrupts him before he can finish off the sentence] Yeah, it was me.

Sonny: Oh it was? Thought so. What are you up to?

Richard: Moochin' about.

Sonny: Moochin' about? In my house?

Richard: Mmh

Sonny: Do you always paint men? Like women?... What are you doin' lad?

Richard: That's my concern.

Sonny: Not with being in my house. Where are you staying?

Richard: Motson's farm. Gonna come see me are ya?

Sonny: Maybe I will. You're not afraid of me are ya?

[Richard smiles & shakes head implying he isn't afraid]

Tuff: Why doesn't he just chin him?

Big Al: He's weighing him up, he's weighing him up, shut up.

Sonny: You're making me very nervous, Richard.

Richard: Well you should be. If I were you, i'd get in that fuckin' car and i'd get out of here man. I'd gather them goonies and get whatever you've got comin' mate... 'cause i'm gonna fucking hit you all.

Sonny: I don't like being threatened, Rich'.

Richard: I'm not threatening you mate. It's beyond fucking words. I watched over you when you were asleep and I looked at your fucking neck and I was that far away from slicing it.

Richard: [Richard opens up his hand right hand and points towards his palm] You're fucking there mate!

[Richard clenches his hand]

Richard: So get in that car... and FUCK OFF!

Richard: You get to me first!

Sonny: I just might.

Herbie: Can I help you, mate?

Richard: [shrugs] Sorry?

Herbie: [says aggressively] What the fuck are you looking at?

Richard: [shouts] You, ya cunt!

Richard: [to Mark] You, you were supposed to be a monster - now I'm the fucking beast. There's blood on my hands, from what you made me do.

Richard: You know why people give kids drugs? So they can control their minds. 'Cause they're fucking weak-minded themselves.

Anthony: They all tried to hold your hand. I didn't

Richard: No, you didn't

Anthony: Don't need to, do I?

Richard: Dance at my party.

Richard: What you cutting it like?

Anthony: Dunno. Long hair

Richard: What, like Bon Jovi?

Anthony: [laughs] No

Soz: Can I go home?

Richard: Oh, you're going. Your going

Richard: What did you do?

[Mark begins explaining]

Richard: I SAID WHAT DID YOU DO... What did you do? Not them other cunts

Mark: I didn't stop it... I didn't stop it

Richard: Well you should've stopped it... you might've stopped a lot of carnage

Mark: What do you mean?

Richard: They're all dead... I executed them all and your the last one

Richard: Was he screaming my name? When they were torturing him... was he screaming my name?

Mark: Yes

Richard: He's still screaming my name

Richard: Make a noise and I'll push this in your spine

Richard: I just want to lie with my brother

Soz: He wasn't a spastic.

Richard: He fucking was a spastic.

[makes silly noises, as if mocking a retarded person]

Richard: He was a fucking nana.

Richard: Take this knife

Mark: No

Richard: You take this knife before I do something terrible with it

Richard: If these women are as fat as you say they are, they're gonna die of a stroke or a heart attack or downright fucking ugliness anyway. Now go home!

Richard: [to Sylvia] Do you think I will let that Pang bang you while I do nothing?

Nicole: You think you're a right player, don't you?

Richard: So do you.

Richard: What about you? How many wives do you have?

Anwar: [Smiles] I can only afford one.

Richard: [to other tourists] You leave, I'll kill you. I'll kill you!

Richard: This is your fucked-up country, it's your responsibility!

Susan Jones: Richard, why did we come here?

Richard: What d'you mean why? I thought you would like it.

Susan Jones: Really: Why are we here?

Richard: To forget everything. To be alone.

Susan Jones: Alone.

Richard: You understand? We gotta call nine-one-one.

Susan Jones: Don't leave me please.

Richard: Susan, what's wrong? Honey, what happened?

Lady On The Bus: Oh, my God. She's been shot.

Richard: Stop the bus, stop, my wife's been hurt.

Richard: Find me an ambulance! Do something!

Gerald: How about pal? Lacrosse? Soccer, maybe? Probably not football 'til you get a little meat on those bones, huh?

Henry: Actually, I was thinking about signup up for the modern dance group.

Gerald: Well, I'm not sure that would be such a good move.

Marjorie: I know how your mother feels about dancing, but... people might get the wrong idea.

Gerald: They might think that you're...

Richard: They might think that you're gay.

Marjorie: Richie!

Henry: Or they might think that I like girls in tights.

Richard: Its all about adaptability, Nathan. Sometimes you have to change your shape... to fit in.

Richard: I woke up one morning, and when I looked in the mirror I noticed my nose was bent over entirely onto one side of my face. So, I got a hammer, and started banging my nose back to a right angle with my face. Suddenly, I looked at myself in the mirror, hammer in hand, blood streaming down my chin, and I realized my life was no longer manageable.

Darryl: What is it with you guys and food?

Richard: Addicts are compulsive.

Joe: You know when you were a kid, did your mum ever used to spray perfume in the air and sort of walk through it?

Richard: [nods]

Joe: She's like that.

Richard: Like perfume?

Joe: No... see, when you leave you still feel her on your skin.

Richard: Why, I can smile... And murder while I smile!

Richard: [to the Duke of Buckingham] I am not in the giving vein today.

Richard: [to the camera] I'll have her, but I'll not keep her long.

Duchess of York: Are you my son?

Richard: Yes. I thank God, my father, and yourself.

Richard: [to the Duke of Buckingham] Shall I be plain? I wish the bastards dead.

Duke of Buckingham: My Lord protector, what should we do if we perceive Hastings will not yield to our plans?

Richard: Chop off his head.

Richard: [to Camille] We're gonna be together... forever.

Richard: [to Barton] Perhaps kicking your ass will brighten my spirits?

Hawkins: Do you believe in God, Mr. Dutton?

Richard: Yes.

Hawkins: Good. Because it's going to take a leap of faith for you to understand what I'm about to tell you. The Phantom is real. It has a name. Erik Destler.

Richard: But that's just a story.

Hawkins: I know the legend as well as you. He sold his soul to the devil so the world would love him for his talent. The devil had a price. He mutilated his face so terribly, that no one could stand to love him ever again.

Richard: And it's said the only way to kill the Phantom is to destroy his music.

Hawkins: I don't believe in phantoms or legends, Mr. Dutton, but I do believe in facts. And the fact is, this man - -this creature - -is still alive. Still alive and living under your opera.

Tim: You fuck lots of women. Have you ever truly loved one?

Richard: I love them all. Can't love them all if you only love one.

Tim: If that's true, that's interesting.

Richard: Yeah. You want to know what I think, Timothy? When they really get to see me, I don't like what they see.

Tim: You make sure of that.

Randi: I don't understand, I mean, is there something wrong with that?

Jonah: You published a book. I'd love to be able...

Richard: I was like that. I was so fucking excited about this... and... about that. But you just, you think it's gonna be so fucking rosy! So fucking rosy!

Randi: Well Jonah's not like that. He doesn't think anything's gonna be some certain way. He just loves to write.

Jonah: You don't have to speak for me...

Randi: You, you live in some sort of disallusionment! Because it's easier than being honest. What are you hiding from old man? You think he's gonna be like you when he's older. Because it makes you feel better about yourself.

Richard: If you think about it, we're constantly coming out to people; so, really, you should be good at it.

Kai: If only she liked you. It'd make this a lot easier, but for some reason she thinks you're a dick.

Richard: You love this dick.

Richard: [to Sinclair's boatman] Is he going to kill me, do you think?

Richard: Being single...

Natalie: What about it?

Richard: It's not as simple as it used to be.

Richard: Come into the church and feel no guilt... come on, I dare you!

Jessica: I don't believe this, Richard, the vanity... now get out of here before I lose my temper.

Richard: But I was just asking you out.

Jessica: I thought you were meant to be something of an expert, you seem decidely rusty to me.

Richard: Rusty, certainly not, what's the answer?

Jessica: No. No! I've never seen anybody so obviously thinking about another...

Richard: Another what?

Jessica: I was going to say a woman, but it's more likely to be a 15-year old girl, isn't it? Who is she? Are you at a loose end tonight because of her? Or are you trying to forget her?

Sinclair: She's lying to me, all the time. When people lie to you, you suddenly can't think of anything else.

Richard: You've spotted little signs, have you?

Sinclair: ...little signs... didn't need to. She's been carrying around a giant placard saying, "I've been fucking somebody else."

Richard: And to think, we didn't even really like each other as kids.

Richard: You wanted to be artistic.

Natalie: I'm not artistic.

Richard: But you wanted to be.

Richard: She went for a job, he was the boss. She didn't get the job, she got him.

Natalie: I thought I heard voices.

Richard: Just my secretary, we're alone together.

Natalie: You're probably screwing her.

Richard: As a matter of fact I am.

Sinclair: These ashtrays are interesting, they're ridiculously large. People proclaim their importance in such a crass fashion. What will historians make of these ashtrays?

Richard: You're interested in everything, Sinclair.

Sinclair: These lists, ashtrays, this secretary here, you.

[first lines]

Natalie: You're late.

Richard: Sorry, it was unavoidable, trains on Sunday, you know what they're like.

Natalie: Unavoidable? I don't believe it. I've eaten all the food.

Richard: You've eaten all the food? Now that's serious.

Uncle: Where were you? I was looking for you in all pubs.

Richard: I don't drink.

Uncle: Nevermind.

Richard: Super glue was invented for surgery.

Richard: [to Mickey] Takes ya back, huh?

Natalie: Keep it down over there!

Richard: Shut up, bitch!

[He shines a spotlight on the group]

Nancy: Okay, we get the point. You can turn out the light now.

[the light goes out]

Nancy: Can we all agree that we are not going to play 'shout out' with those people?

Richard: Who was here today with you, Goodie?

Goodie Hines: Give me your pen again, and I'll draw him for you.

Richard: I need you to understand something.

Meryl: What?

Richard: They haven't invented a disease that will make me forget you... or Paul... or Alana... or how much I love all of you. Maybe my body will stop working, maybe even my mind, but my heart - that's w... where... Alzheimer's isn't gonna touch my heart.

Richard: Well, you know, even though I've got this disease, and even though we're both afraid, y-you know what we have right now?

Meryl: What?

Richard: We have right now. Not Christmas Past, not Christmas Future - Christmas Present. And right now I think Christmas Present seems pretty good.

Richard: I know you're planning this June wedding for Alana, and, uh, I just wanted to know if, um... if you... A-a-are you sure this is what Alana wants?

Meryl: Course it is. I mean, we've been talking about this for I don't know how long.

Richard: Is it possible you've been talking about it since I got diagnosed with early-onset?

Meryl: I don't know. I suppose it's possible.

Richard: And you know how Alana's always wanted a big wedding and a reception in the back yard?

Meryl: Of course. That's exactly why we're doing this.

Richard: I think that was when she was a teenager.

Frieda: He is dead! Hitler is dead!

Richard: Christ also died.