J. Algernon Hawthorne Quotes in It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

J. Algernon Hawthorne: I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.

J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.

J. Russell Finch: You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.

[Hawthorne screeches to a stop]

J. Russell Finch: What are you stopping for?

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.

J. Russell Finch: Get out? You can't...

J. Algernon Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!

J. Russell Finch: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so.

Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not?

J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!

J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say: *Good show*!

Lennie Pike: [Otto Meyer drives by] That's him! That's him! I tell you, when I catch you, I'll kill you! I tell you, I'll kill you, you dirty *robber*!

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Someone you know?

J. Russell Finch: Lets stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!

J. Russell Finch: [smiling] yeah.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Really?

Mrs. Marcus: Sylvester!

Sylvester Marcus: Mama!

Mrs. Marcus: Why couldn't you listen? Why couldn't you shut up when I was trying to tell you to listen?

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Have a care, that chap's run absolutely amok!

Benjy Benjamin: [in a hospital in bandages and casts] It's all your fault. It's all your fault right from the beginning to the end.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous.

Sylvester Marcus: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no. You had to go and wrap up the whole scene, baby.

Ding Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.

Melville Crump: 14 into $350,000...

Ding Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!

J. Algernon Hawthorne: [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up!

J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me!

[Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another]

J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood!

J. Russell Finch: It certainly is.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah!

[Russell swings at him again]

J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...!

J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know I'm not entirely uncertain you haven't damaged this machine.

J. Russell Finch: I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.

J. Russell Finch: [mockingly] All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.

J. Algernon Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.