Rhonda Quotes in The World's Fastest Indian (2005)

Rhonda: You English?

Burt Munro: Heavens no, I'm no Pommie. I'm from Invercargill in New Zealand.

Rhonda: Where?

Burt Munro: Invercargill.

[spells out]

Burt Munro: I-N-V-E-R-C-A-R-G-I-L-L. I spell it with one L sometimes to save ink.

Leroy the Cowboy: [pointing to antelope trophy head] You got any of those critters over there?

Burt Munro: Oh yes, much bigger though. Well, we breed them down there on big farms, and cut off their antlers and send them over to Hong Kong. And they grind the antlers into dust, and they eat that stuff. Must be some sort of aphrodisiac or something. Puts lead in your pencil.

Rhonda: You could do with some of that eh, Leroy?

Burt Munro: Your girlfriend?

Leroy the Cowboy: Wife.

Burt Munro: Oh. Oh dear...

Stiles: [during party games] OK, Chubby. What you've got to do is eat this entire bowl of jello.

[Chubby makes a face as if to say "No problem"]

Rhonda: What do I have to do?

Stiles: Hold the jello!

[he tips the bowl of jello down her top]

Fiona: All right. Well, I'm going off to get some more lipo. Come on, girls. Sam, we need you to clean the pool tonight.

Sam: [stand up to Fiona] No!

[Rhonda, the staff, and the customers all become impressed with Sam finally standing up for herself]

Fiona: [shocked] Excuse me?

Sam: You heard me. I quit. I quit this job, I quit your family, and I'm moving out!

[Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella laughs at Sam]

Fiona: Oh, and, um, where are you gonna live?

Rhonda: With me.

Fiona: You can't just walk out on me.

Sam: You know what, Fiona? You can mess with your hair and your nose and your face, and can even mess with my Dad's diner, but you're through messing with me!

Rhonda: Wait up, Sam.

Fiona: You take one more step and you're fired!

Rhonda: Oh, no. That won't be necessary because I quit too. And you know what? The only reason why I stayed around and put up with you for all those years is because of that girl. And now that she's free of you, there is nothing stopping me from kicking your butt.

Fiona: [freaks out] Oh, come on, no. Not my face. It's much newer than the girls. Go for the girls!

Sam: [talks Rhonda out of it] Rhonda? Rhonda! She's not even worth it.

Rhonda: [jumps her face at Fiona] Mmph!

Fiona: [screams] Aaaah!

Rhonda: You're right.

Eleanor: You know what? I quit too.

Bobby: Me too! Hey, Rhonda and Eleanor, hold up. I need a ride. See ya!

[the staff all finally walk out permanently with the customers following suit]

Man with plate of food: [to a disgraced Fiona] Send me a bill.

[the LAPD is repossessing Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella's cars]

Fiona: [runs outside with the girls] Hey! Hey! I can pay for those parking tickets.

Sam: Actually, I'm selling your cars, Fiona, for college tuition money.

Gabriella: What?

Fiona: Now what gives you the idea you can sell our cars?

Rhonda: She owns them.

Sam: Exactly. I own them.

Fiona: Where are your skates? They're part of the uniform.

Rhonda: Fiona, if I wanted to look like a clown I'd join the circus.

Fiona: If you were part of my circus I'd have you wiping the elephant butts with a "wet one."

Rhonda: [trying to stall] I wanna get my breasts done. Where'd you get yours?

Fiona: San Diego.

[pushes Rhonda aside]

[Sam is scrubbing the floor with her skates on. She tries to get up, but Sam slips and falls; Rhonda appears]

Rhonda: Sam, what are you doing?

Sam: I'm trying to get these floors clean.

Rhonda: Come on, sweetie, get up. What I meant is "What are you doing with your life?"

Sam: I'm Diner Girl. I'm doing what diner girls do, Rhonda.

Rhonda: Baby, what's gotten into you? You don't even realize how blessed you are. Look, you've got a whole family behind you. We have faith in you, and you gotta have faith in yourself.

Rhonda: [to Carter] Call me girlfriend one more time.

Carter: Okay, sorry.

Rhonda: Oh that would not be necessary, because I quit to.

Goose McKenzie: You might turn UP on Bandstand, but your beak will still be turning DOWN!

Sharon: [laughs] You're mean!

Rhonda: I gotta do it! The nose goes. Bandstand, here I come!

Paulette Rebchuck: Rhonda, I wouldn't fool around with Mother Nature if I were you.

Sharon: You fooled around with everyone else, Paulette.

Paulette Rebchuck: Aww, shut up!

Frenchy: [upon seeing Rhonda with a bandage on her nose] RHONDA, YOU GOT A NOSE JOB!

Rhonda: Forget it. I walked into a door.

Sharon: So she says.

Tania: Why don't you come have a drink with us?

Rhonda: You want to have a drink with me?

Tania: Well, yeah. We wouldn't want you to spend the entire holiday alone. It's not like in high school where you should feel you're not good enough to talk to us.

Rhonda: I don't.

Tania: If I feel you've changed, I'll tell you. I'm honest. Unlike some people, I tell it like it is.

Rhonda: The truth? I tell the truth too. Nicole's having an affair with Chook. Muriel saw them fucking in the laundry room on your wedding day. Stick your drink up your ass, Tania. I'd rather swallow razor blades than have a drink with you. Oh, by the way... I'm not alone. I'm with Muriel.

Rhonda: Sorry, Mum. You know I love you, but you drive me crazy. And you three, what a bunch of cocksuckers.

Rhonda: I had cancer... it's all right, they cut it out.

Cheryl: You were so full of life.

Rhonda: I'm not DEAD, Cheryl.

Rhonda: Cancer? Oh my God! I am gonna go bald and have to eat macrobiotic food!

Rhonda: You're right, you are a new person, and you stink. "Mariel VanArkle" stinks. And she's not half the person Muriel Heslop was.

Bridal Manageress #2: Now, now, now... just a minute. You can't come in here and threaten brides. I don't care how unfortunate, you are!

Rhonda: Fuck off!

Muriel: He said if I ever left him, he would find out who I was living with and shoot them. Then, he'd shoot me, then himself.

Rhonda: Shit, he really loved you, didn't he?

Muriel: When I lived in Porpoise Spit, no one looked at me. But when I moved to Sydney, Brice asked me out and that proves that I changed and I'm not her anymore.

Rhonda: Her?

Muriel: Muriel! Muriel Heslop. Stupid, fat and useless. I hate her! I'm never going back to being her again! Why can't it be me? Why can't I be the one?

Rhonda: I've seen your book. You've tried on every dress in Sydney!

Muriel: That doesn't mean I'm gonna get married.

Rhonda: Then what DOES it mean?

Muriel: It means I WANT to get married. I've always wanted to get married.

[last lines]

Muriel, Rhonda: Goodbye, Porpoise Spit!

Rhonda: Are you Muriel Heslop?

Muriel: No.

Rhonda: Yes, you are!

Muriel: Why?

Rhonda: I dunno why, you just are.

Rhonda: [regarding her tumor] How did I get it? I mean, it's nothing to do with too much sex, is it?

Rhonda: Here we go! One grilled cheese with ranch on the side. And one sugar mountain supreme for the chubby bunny!

[Rhonda makes noises imitating a bunny]

Chris: Excuse me. Umm, this isn't gonna work for me.

Rhonda: But this is what you always order.

Chris: Yeah! Ten years ago when I was a whale!

Jamie Palamino: The pancakes are fine. He's just kidding.

Chris: [to Jaime] What?

Jamie Palamino: [Rhonda walks away from the table] Be more rude!

Chris: She's rude! She's rude! I haven't had sweets for ten years, ok? You know what this would do to my stomach?

Jamie Palamino: Relax little girl. I'll have the pancakes, and you can have my sandwich, ok?

Chris: I'll just enjoy this glass of water.

[Chris takes a small sip of water and swallows audibly]

Chris: I'm stuffed!

Rhonda: You know the floor is missing?

Novalee Nation: Willy Jack got the whole car for 80 bucks. He had to fix everything on it. And here's the best part.

[points at the license plate]

Novalee Nation: No fives!

Nicki: You and your fives.

Rhonda: What fives?

Novalee Nation: On my fifth birthday my mama ran off with a baseball umpire named Fred and never came back. And after I dropped out of school and was waiting tables at Red's, one of the regulars there named Gladys went crazy. When I tried to calm her down she jumped at me with a steak knife and cut me from my wrist to my elbow.

Rhonda: And what's that got to do with fives?

Nicki: It took 55 stitches to close her up.

Novalee Nation: I don't like fives.

Rhonda: I don't get how a person could go through their whole lives never being into girls. I just... I love girls.

Vanessa: You can keep 'em.

Rhonda: [Mesquita and her friends approach Vanessa] Chola alert.

Vanessa: How many?

Rhonda: There's three but you only gotta worry about one.

Maz: I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.

Johnny Trinno: Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.

Artie DeVanzo: You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.

Maz: Alright, here it comes.

Johnny Trinno: You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.

Artie DeVanzo: You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.

Rhonda: Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?

Maz: Thank you.

Rhonda: Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.

Maz: That's right.

Rhonda: Do you want a side order of cock with that?

Johnny Trinno: Let me get a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy and a bowl of gravy on the side.

Artie DeVanzo: I'll have the same thing, plus pancakes.

Rhonda: Chocolate milk?

Artie DeVanzo: You know it honey.

Rhonda: I want you to stay away from that girl!

Rhonda: Hey, is it true you're going to Europe at the end of the summer?

Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: No, we just have a Swedish exchange student living with us.

Rhonda: Oh, I heard you were going to Denmark.

Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: Where'd ya get that idea?

Rhonda: I heard you were going there to have some sort of an operation.

Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: An operation?

Rhonda: Yeah, I heard you were having your dick cut off and turning into a girl.

[suddenly gleeful]

Rhonda: Kisses.

Rhonda: Deadhead, how could you be hungry at a time like this?

Deadhead: A man can't live by love alone.

Rhonda: I'm sweating like Whitney Houston going through customs!

Adam: Yeah, he is a shrink. I think he knows more about this stuff than us. He has a degree. We just have Oprah.

Rhonda: Oprah has made it impossible for me to have a close relationship with anyone besides Oprah.

Rhonda: Silence Sober-One!

Adam: You know for a shrink he's really unaware.

Rhonda: I'm tellin' you they're like preacher's kids!

Rhonda: I have an audition for a lesbian cruise ship next week... I like lesbians. Lesbians like me.

Rhonda: [She of the formally fat] What're doin'? I can't eat that! One pie is like an appitiser to me, I eat that and I unleash the beast!

Adam: Steve just broke up with me!

Rhonda: Oh my God!

Adam: There ain't no God!

Rhonda: You're an asshole and a baby! You're an asshole, and you're also a baby!

Rhonda: Why can't a lesbian diet and put on makeup at the same time? Because you can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

John: You know

[checking her name badge]

John: Rhonda, for someone in the communications business, I think you could learn to use a little common courtesy.

Rhonda: Fuck you. How's that for common courtesy?

John: You know,

[checking her name badge]

John: Rhonda, for somebody in the communications business, I think you could afford to learn a little common courtesy.

Rhonda: Fuck you. How's that for common courtesy?

Rhonda: You killed my love.

Shawn: Do you love me?

Rhonda: No.

Rhonda: [reading a student's letter-writing lesson] "My sweetest girl, I've been dead for a few years now, but I know you'd rather hear from me than anyone living, because no matter what you do, you know I'll always support you. Don't judge your mother too harshly. She loves you dearly and is doing her best."

[the kids on their way to the location of the Halloween School Bus Massacre]

Chip: You must really like Halloween.

Rhonda: You mean Samhain?

Chip: What?

Rhonda: Samhain, also known as All Hallows' Eve, also known as Halloween. Pre-dating Christianity, the Celtic holiday was celebrated on the one night between autumn and winter when the barrier between the living and the dead was thinnest and often involved rituals that included human sacrifice.

[awkward silence]

Rhonda: I like your eye patch.

Chip: Huh.

[the kids show up to pick up Rhonda from her decorated jack-o'-lantern home as she walks out]

Sara: This is weird.

Chip: [Chip points] Is that Rhonda the retard?

Macy: She's not a retard. She's an idiot savant.

Sara: Here she comes.

Macy: You're on Schrader.

[the rest of the kids walk ahead]

Schrader: Did you carve all of these yourself?

Rhonda: Yeah. Made my costume too. Like it?

Schrader: [smiles] I do. I'm Schrader.

Rhonda: [smiles] Rhonda.

[the kids take off their masks and reveal their joke to Rhonda]

Macy: And it was all going so well.

Rhonda: [sobbing, muttering] You're all dead!

Schrader: Rhonda, calm down. It was all just a trick. Look, none of this is real. It was just a trick. A bad joke.

Macy: I'd say it was a pretty good one.

Schrader: Shut up.

[the kids arrive at the location site of the old Halloween School Bus Massacre]

Schrader: Great, a rock quarry. Nice way to celebrate Halloween, Macy.

Chip: Why are we here?

Macy: To pay our respects to the dead.

Chip: What happened? Did somebody die here?

Sara: Wait. Is this where - ? It is isn't it? This is where that school...

Macy: Shut up, Sara.

Chip: The Halloween School Bus Massacre.

Macy: Just don't call it that.

Schrader: What's she talking about?

Sara: It's this awesome town legend. There's this bus full of...

Macy: Jesus, will you shut up and let me tell the damn story?

Rhonda: You said a bad word.

[Macy rolls her eyes at Rhonda before telling the story]

Macy: It happened 30 years ago on a late Halloween afternoon.

Macy: [begins narrating the flashback] A school bus was on its usual route. But this wasn't your typical school bus and they weren't your typical kids. There were eight of them and they were different. Troubled. Disturbed. Every day, parents put their dirty secrets on this bus to be driven to a school miles out of town.

[we see the kids each in their creepy Halloween masks and costumes]

Vampire Kid: [we see the vampire kid in his seat counting the addresses outside] 3260. 3264. 3266.

Macy: [continuing to narrate] But that day... the driver took a different route.

Vampire Kid: Wrong way. Wrong way. Wrong way.

Macy: And instead of taking the students home he drove the bus to an abandoned rock quarry. This rock quarry.

[narrates]

Macy: What the kids didn't know is that, over the years, their parents had become exhausted, and embarrassed. And they were willing to do anything to ease their burden. So one day, the parents approached the bus driver and made him an offer. With the money collected together, they asked him to do the unthinkable. It almost worked perfectly.

[the bus driver quiets the kids and begins to walk down the bus checking that each chained down kid is correct, passing them each a piece of candy]

Vampire Kid: [the vampire kid begins to try and slip out of his chains] Wrong way. Wrong way. Home. Home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Home.

Vampire Kid: [the vampire kid manages to get behind the steering wheel of the bus] Home. Home. Home. I wanna go home. Home.

[the bus drives forward off the rock quarry with the bus driver surviving]

Macy: [narrating] The driver was never heard from again. As for the bus, some say it sank so deep that it couldn't be found. Others say the town just didn't want it to be found. For all we know, it's still down there and so are those kids.

[silence as the kids look down into the rock quarry]