Red Quotes in The Mummy Returns (2001)

Jacques: This place... is cursed.

Red: What is it with you and curses?

Spivey: He ain't happy without a good curse.

[mockingly]

Spivey: This is cursed. That is cursed.

Red: Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way, or I'm gonna shoot you in the face.

Spivey: He means it. He shot someone before!

Red: C'mon Gooz, we're the tip of the sword.

Red: Something about those pigs isn't kosher.

Bird Salesman: Hey Red, how are you?

Red: [cheerfully] Oh, I'm horrible!

Mighty Eagle: MIGHTY EAGLE!

[Mighty Eagle smashes into the Piggies castle, but clumsily lands and smashes his head on the golden pot]

Red: [Runs over to Mighty Eagle] Mi... Mighty Eagle... Mighty Eagle, wake up

[Slaps Mighty Eagle's eye with his tongue]

Red: , come on... augh, you've got bad breath...

Mighty Eagle: I can sleep late, Ma. It's not a school day!

[from trailer]

Matilda: We're gonna be working managing our anger through movement.

Chuck: Eagle, heron, peacock, warrior, mountain, tree, rabbit, fish, locust, king pigeon, and of course, downward duck.

Red: Yuck!

[from trailer]

Chuck: I'm gonna get ready.

[Terence slingshots him to the castle]

Chuck: I wasn't ready!

[He uses is speed ability to get into the castle, then he flies into a kitchen, a cactus room, and a room where pigs are having sword duels, then he hits a brick as it falls down]

Red: Chuck, is that you?

Chuck: This is the house of horrors!

Mime: Oh, my God!

Red: This is why we went for pedicures, isn't it?

Chuck: No, we got pedicures because we're worth it.

Bomb: I got gels.

Judge Peckinpah: Mr Red! Given the severity of the crimes, I have no choice but to impose the maximum penalty allowed by the law: Anger management class.

Red: Ugh. Pluck my life.

[from trailer]

Bobby's Mom: [after Red attacks the Anger Management sign] Don't look, Bobby! The anger might be contagious!

Bobby: [waves "hi" to Red]

Red: He started it.

[from trailer]

Red: We're gonna get those eggs back! Come on, we're birds! We're descendants from dinosaurs! We're not supposed to be nice!

[Petunia roars like a t-rex]

Judge Peckinpah: Holy moly!

Red: Yeah, point made.

Red: Well, how about that? My teacher can shoot fire balls out of her butt!

Red: [Red is sleeping in his bed, and suddenly has a flower pot fall on him] Ow!

[It turns out a little kid is kicking a football against his house. He falsely smiles at the kid, then kicks him up in the sky]

[from trailer]

Red: If anyone knows what these pigs are up to, it's Mighty Eagle.

Chuck: [gasps] It's Mighty Eagle's Lake of Wisdom!

[Chuck and Bomb play in the lake]

Red: Get out of there!

[Chuck spits the water into Bomb's mouth]

Red: Don't spit in his mouth!

[Bomb spits the water back into Chuck's mouth]

Red: No, don't spit it back! Uh, don't swallow it.

[Chuck swallows the water]

Red: Auh!

[Mighty Eagle comes out of his cave as Red, Chuck and Bomb hide behind a rock and Mighty Eagle does a pose]

Red: Oh, wow, it's him.

[as Mighty Eagle finishes posing, he starts to pee in the lake]

Mighty Eagle: Aaahhhhh...

[Bomb and Chuck look strangely at the lake]

Red: Oh, man.

[Bomb pretends to throw up]

Chuck: No, no, no. Ack!

Bomb: Wahahahaha!

[Chuck scrubs the water off his mouth with a rock, then Mighty Eagle finishes peeing as he feels relaxed]

Red: Horrible turn of events, horrible.

Judge Peckinpah: Mr. Red! What do we do now?

Red: Wait... You're asking me?

Judge Peckinpah: You tried to tell us but we didn't listen. I didn't listen.

[from trailer]

Red: Am I a passionate bird? Yes, but what does it matter that we're not the same?

[from trailer]

Red: That's me, Red. Ever since I was a kid, I never really fit in. No one understands me.

Red: That house took my five years to build!

Chuck: Wow. It's such a shame when you create something and everyone else destroys it.

Matilda: And this is Terence.

Red: More like terrifying.

Bomb: Okay, well... Sometimes when I get upset, I have been known to blow up.

Red: So you get mad?

Bomb: No, I literally blow up. I explode like a bomb, hence the name.

[when one of the dynamite was about to blow up and the giant pot was about to fall down on the rock Red is running to get on, with Leonard on his tail]

Leonard: You have annoyed me for the last time!

Red: Yep!

[the giant pot falls on Red, shielding him as Leonard gasps as the supply of Piggy Island explosives blows up]

Red: Well this is dynamite.

[from trailer]

[Hal gets slingshot to the castle, but he comes back due to his boomerang ability]

Red: Hey, he's coming back!

[as Hal comes back he lands his beak into a tree]

Bubbles: Uh, did we win?

Red: Can we get an ice pack for Hal?

Chuck: Medic!

[from trailer]

Leonard: [seeing one of the eggs] Is that what I think it is?

Red: Excuse me! Those are fragile, alright? Not yours.

Judge Peckinpah: You are makin' our guest feel unwelcome!

Red: And you're not asking basic questions!

[a pig slaps his butt]

Chuck: Well, this just got awkward.

[from trailer]

Red: Doesn't anyone see what's going on here? The whole world is in danger! And it's up to us to stop 'em!

[from trailer]

Judge Peckinpah: You tried to tell us, but we didn't listen. What do we do now?

Red: That is where they went, and so that is where we're going!

[the birds cheer]

Chuck: It's Chuck time!

[he runs into a pipe; Red groans]

[from trailer]

Red: Time to get angry! Fire!

[Matilda gets slingshot]

Leonard: That guy again.

Matilda: Take that, porkers!

[She shot a fireball to kill the pigs]

Red: Well, how about that? She can shoot fireballs out of her butt.

[from trailer]

Red: These pigs mysterious and weird, am I right? I don't trust them! I think they're up to something!

Judge Peckinpah: Your opinion is not needed!

[Red gets slingshot by the pigs]

Red: Beak, wing, giblets!

Leonard: That went well, if you're me.

Red: [as they are being hugged by Mighty Eagle] Anyone else feel like this is crossing a line?

Chuck: Yes.

Bomb: No.

Red: Would you stop making mighty eagle noises?

Chuck: Someone has anger issues.

Red: There you are!

Leonard: Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!

Red: You can't eat eggs!

Leonard: What are you gonna do? I'm a foodie!

Red: If anyone knows what these pigs are up to it's Mighty Eagle.

Judge Peckinpah: Mr. Red, we are a happy happy bird community. Under the protection of Mighty Eagle, we work, we laugh, we love, and we live our lives free of conflict and strife sir.

Red: We love the sound of our own voice too evidently.

Judge Peckinpah: Perhaps you've never heard the joke, Why don't birds fly? I'm gonna tell you why. Because where else would we ever want to go?

Red: Wow. Not a good joke.

Judge Peckinpah: So now what am i to make of the likes of you. There seems to be a recurring issue here. Anger.

Red: I don't think i have an anger issue. I think you got an anger issue.

Judge Peckinpah: Anger is a weed growing in our garden. And what do you do when you find a weed?

Red: I don't know but i bet you're gonna tell me.

Judge Peckinpah: You pluck it out!

Mime: Oh my God!

Red: Mighty Eagle fly us down there now!

Mighty Eagle: No.

Red: I'm sorry what?

Mighty Eagle: I don't do that anymore. I'm retired. Mostly just tired.

Bird Salesman: Hey Red. How are ya?

Red: Oh I'm horrible.

Stella: Hi Red! Good to see you!

Red: I wish I could say the same.

Leonard: [while dancing] Oh, watch out! Shakin' my bacon!

Red: They don't have feathers? You know, they're just walking around naked, just presenting themselves, I'm looking at all their business here.

Chuck: That part about them I really admire.

Leonard: You're wrecking my house! What's wrong with you?

Red: You wrecked my house!

Leonard: Your house was ugly!

Red: Well now we're even.

Red: Hey you know what? I used to believe in you. When I was a kid I believed nothing really bad could ever happen because you were here. And now i see the fate of the world hangs on idiots like me. And that sir is sort of terrifying.

Mighty Eagle: It's time for you to go.

Red: You know it's really upsetting to me that you're the only bird who can fly and you're to afraid to do it.

Stella: Hi, Red. It's good to see you!

Red: I wish I could say the same.

Stella: Red, we need a leader.

Red: Wait a minute. I'm not a leader!

Eva: Your Honor, our family has always practiced natural child-hatch; the risks of having a scrambled infant are too great. There was going to be music, the nest was going to be full with beautiful, fresh-cut flowers, and the first two faces he was going to see were the loving faces of his mother and his father.

[Edward sheds a tear falls onto their hatchling]

Eva: We can never get that moment back.

Red: Ma'am, I never wanted my face to be the first face your baby saw. I mean, what are we talking about here? He probably doesn't even remember me!

[Red walks over to the family, then the hatchling excitedly exclaims]

Hatchling: Daddy!

Red: Beak! Wing! Tail! Ribs! Giblets!

Red: Um excuse me boring hippie lady? Looks like the explodey guy's gonna puke.

Matilda: And have you done this before?

Red: Uh yes i have but not usually not for free.

Hatchling: Daddy!

Red: Stop it! No i'm not your daddy!

Hug Trader: Hmmm?

Red: Nope!

Hug Trader: Hmmm.

Hug Trader: Hmmm?

Red: Nuh uh! No means no!

Hug Trader: Hmmm.

[from trailer]

Red: [He runs to Timothy's house for a birthday party, dressed in a crazy clown outfit] Ta-da!

Timothy: [screams]

Red: No, no, no, no, no!

[sings]

Red: Happy hatch day to you. Happy hatch day, dear

[he looks at the piece of paper with the kid's name on it]

Red: Timothy wheat allergy, doesn't like clowns.

[to himself]

Red: Oh, boy.

Timothy: [sniffles]

Red: [continues to finish the song] Happy hatch day to you!

Timothy: [screams]

[from trailer]

Red: Nice chatting with you.

[from trailer]

Judge Peckinpah: There seem to be a recurring issue here! Anger.

Red: don't think I have an anger issue, I think you got an anger issue. Are you aware that that robe that you're wearing isn't fooling anybody?

[he suddenly takes the robe off of to reveal Judge Peckinpah standing on top of Cyrus to appear tall]

Red: Voila!

[there's an audible gasp from the crowd watching]

Cyrus: Achoo!

[Judge Peckinpah falls down]

Mime: Oh, my God!

Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.

Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?

Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.

Dale Denton: Belongs to me.

Red: Then the dragon.

Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.

Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times.

Red: Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?

Dale Denton: I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man.

Red: You don't seem chill.

Dale Denton: I'm more chill than you.

Red: You're more chill than me?

Dale Denton: Yeah.

Red: Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?

Dale Denton: A suit.

Red: Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you.

Dale Denton: Well, I don't know if I like you either, man.

Red: Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend.

Red: You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker!

Red: I'm just up here, tryin' to get a motherfuckin' scholarship!

Red: I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute.

Red: Do you know what today is?

Saul: Tuesday.

Red: This is my cat's birthday today.

Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?

Dale Denton: I'm sorry?

Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.

Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.

Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.

Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?

Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?

Matheson: You hear that, Ted?

Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.

Matheson: What skin color were they?

Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.

Matheson: Ted, you hear him?

Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.

Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...

[Matheson shoots Red]

Red: Thug life!

Red: You don't think I can handle danger?

Dale Denton: What are you talking about?

Saul: You can.

Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.

[He shows them his shaved armpits]

Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.

Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?

Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.

Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip?

Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...

Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.

Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?

Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.

Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?

Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.

Saul: You lied to me.

Red: I did. I lied big time to you.

Saul: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.

Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.

Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.

Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.

Saul: No more lies, Red.

Red: This is my moment.

Saul: This is your moment.

[Carol shoots Red]

Red: I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow!

Red: [Red wakes up and is taped to a chair] Hey, what's up, dudes?

Dale Denton: What's up? Tell us everything now!

Saul: Talk, Red.

Red: I'm gonna flex and bust out of here.

[Red tries to bust out]

Saul: Trapped.

Dale Denton: It's not happening, Red.

Red: Okay, I'll talk. Um, Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder. He found your roach. He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson. Two real big son of a bitches. They're basically out to kill you guys, and they're gonna kill me, too, unless I turn y'all over. So you guys are basically fucked.

Red: [Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds] I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.

Dale Denton: It's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth.

Saul: You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv?

Red: Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah! Hit it up, dude!

Saul: Herpes is for life, bro!

Red: Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. I've been takin Vicodin; that really doesn't take down the swelling, though.

Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch! You wanted to do it!

Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? What'd you do?

Red: Nothing.

Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.

Red: Do not break down the door! Are you gonna pay for it?

Red: [underneath a door] TIME OUT! Time out!

Saul: [stops jumping on the phone] Okay, truce.

Red: Time in! Fuck you!

Saul: CHEATER!

Red: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Red: Today's my cat's birthday.

[passes out]

Red: [Red talking to Dale] There you go. Why don't you just follow his lead and just chill out, man?

Red: [before saving Saul] I can't do this. I'm sorry, man. I can't do this. I'm infected. My shit's all fucked up. I need medical attention.

Dale Denton: What do you mean you can't - I thought we just got all pumped up! What was that all about?

Red: Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer! I can't fuck with him! I got a wife, man! She's gonna be out of jail soon. I wanna fuck her! I wanna have sex with her! I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.

Dale Denton: Oh, no! Come on, this could be your moment of redemption!

Red: Fuck that. This'll be your moment.

Dale Denton: Aren't you angry at Ted?

Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him...

Dale Denton: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?

Red: Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...

Red: Where you think you're goin', Mr. Wiggles? Get back here! Feisty!

Dale Denton: Saul, help! He's punching my bum! He's punching my bum! I'm done with this!

Red: No, you're not. No, you're not!

Dale Denton: Let's try words! Use WORDS!

Red: You assholes, you ruined my portable phone!

Saul: [Red spits in Saul's eye] HERPES!

Red: [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house!

Saul: [confused as to why Red is hitting him] We're friends!

Red: I know we are, that's what SUCKS!

Saul: Are you on that meth shit again?

[screams to Dale]

Saul: Dale, he's hurting me!

Red: Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers.

Red: [coughing, after being shot] What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach! I'm gon' die now probably! Man, I had y'all over for dinner - fish tacos! This how you do me?

[gets shot again]

Bobby Davis: [after being called out by Jack] Anyone else getting that pre-rape feeling?

Red: [grinning] I do.

Red: When we drink piss, we drink it cold!

Murdock: What?

Red: We don't drink piss!

Jack: Those assholes got balls.

Red: That i'm gonna put them in my mouth and chew on!

Jack: You're gonna put what in your mouth?

Jack: [after being confronted by the sheriff and the entire town with makeshift weapons] Well, we'll fight you and the children of the corn too! 'Cause the Del Fuegos don't back down! This is our highway! And we're gonna defend our highway!

Damien Blade: [showing up out of nowhere] Wrong, Jack. It's MY highway.

Jack: [pleasantly surprised] Blade!

Damien Blade: [turns to Maggie] Hi, Maggie.

[she smiles and nods back]

Damien Blade: Hmm... bar burned down.

Jack: Yeah... these posers. These four posers right here.

Damien Blade: Four guys... stand off 50 bikers... and they're the posers.

Jack: Yeah... they burnt down the bar that you built.

Damien Blade: It was a shithole. I insured it for twice what it's worth. The guys did me a favor.

Jack: [contrite] We were just following the code that you wrote.

Damien Blade: Why do you think I don't wear the colors, Jack? Why do you think I ride alone? 'Cause you don't know about it anymore. I think you all oughta get back on your bikes and go out and ride the highway until you remember what riding's all about.

Red: Let it go, Jack.

Jack: [turns to face the four, then to Damien, pats his shoulder] Ok, Pop.

Damien Blade: [shakes his head, smiling] Takes after his mom.

[Jack gets on his bike and leaves, the Del Fuegos follow]

Jack: Those assholes got balls!

Red: That I'm going to put in my mouth and chew on.

Jack: You're gonna put WHAT in your mouth?

[Punches Red]

Red: You're a tough man to get a hold of, Jeffery.

Jeff: What do you want?

Red: It's not what I want, it's what you want, and how bad you want it. 'Cause it's gonna cost you. Can't show it to you right now, but it's about 5'5", 115 pounds, three or four of that just pure tit. Nice curly brown hair, upstairs and down. Interested?

Jeff: Give me the key.

Red: Mister...

Jeff: Don't "mister" me you son of a bitch. My wife is locked up in a hole in your fucking barn, and if you don't give me the key, I'm gonna blow your fucking head off!

Red: [Jeff forces Red and his family to get into the cellar] You better remember this, fella cuz no matter where you go...

Jeff: You fuck!

[kicks him in the face, sending him falling down the cellar]

Red: What big ears you have.

The Wolf: All the better to hear your many criticisms!

Chief Grizzly: Pretty thin Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up. How did that happen?

The Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news Chief, I don't make it.

Red: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.

The Wolf: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.

Red: [about the medallion she found in Granny's drawer] Huh? What's this?

Granny: Oh, it says "World's Greatest Grandma".

Red: Grandma, I can read. It says "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators".

Chief Grizzly: Shouldn't you be in school?

Red: Shouldn't I have a lawyer?

[discovering the Wolf is pretending to be Granny]

Red: You again! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?

[last lines]

Red: Mr. Flippers!

Nicky Flippers: I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.

Granny: What's going on?

Nicky Flippers: Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.

The Wolf: What kind of work are we talking about?

Nicky Flippers: You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.

Red: "Happily Ever After Agency"?

Nicky Flippers: The woods don't go 'round by themselves.

Twitchy: [talking very fast] Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!

Nicky Flippers: So what do you think?

Granny: Bring it honey!

Red: I always did like happy endings.

Red: You're crazy!

Boingo: Maybe so, but I'm top of the woods now baby!

Red: [after crashing his truck] Damn you Crews! Your ass is mine!

'Red': I almost forgot, Mendoza brought us a present and Roy, I guess you're the engineer. Here.

[Hands Roy the machine-gun case]

Louis Mendoza: Big Mac gave me the machine gun. You know how to work it? Red doesn't, and neither does Babe.

'Red': That's a good one , that is.

Louis Mendoza: What's so funny?

'Red': [Sarcastically says] Does he know how to work it?

Roy Earle: Yeah. Say, you know that gun reminds me of one time, 9 or 10yrs ago. We was getting ready to do a job back in Iowa... when one of the guys got the shakes. Pretty soon we found out that this guy with the shakes had talked too much... and a bunch of coppers were waiting for us at the bank. But we don't say nothing. Lefty Jackson goes out and gets his gun. He comes back and sits down and holds it across his knee.

[Roy positions himself in front of Mendoza and lays on top of the machine gun case looking straight at Mendoza without blinking]

Roy Earle: The guy with shakes is sitting right across the room from him.

[Points at Mendoza]

Roy Earle: Pretty soon Lefty just touched the trigger a little... and the gun went

[taps the case 3 times]

Roy Earle: like that. The rat fell out of the chair dead and we drove off and left him there. Yeah... the gun went

[taps the case 3 times again]

Louis Mendoza: [Everyone just looks at Mendoza, who is nervous and sweating] Well, I better be getting back. I have to go on duty at 8:30.

Roy Earle: What's your stint? You stick right through the whole job don't you?

Louis Mendoza: Oh sure, I stand behind the desk and act like I'm scared. When you fellows get through, I telephone the police.

Roy Earle: [as Roy leaves the cabin, he says] We don't want no slip-ups Mendoza.

'Red': Boys and girls, I got the idea that our boyfriend here is no cream puff. How did you like the little bedtime story about the gun that went

[Taps the case 3 times]

'Red': Did you get the idea?

Louis Mendoza: [very scared] Do you suppose he meant it that way?

Marie Garson: Try talking and find out.

Brenda: [Brenda confronts Fargo and Red in the warehouse] Welcome home... ASSHOLES!

Fargo: You must be out of your mind, coming here!

Red: [laughs] Maybe she's looking for a little bit of what we gave her sister, huh?

Fargo: Maybe she's looking for a whole lot more than what we gave her sister!

Jake: [Jake and the Scars are sitting on the bleachers on the track field outside of Vince's school... Vince runs up] What's going on, Vinnie?

Vince: It's all over school, Jake... the girl we raped. Do you think she's gonna die?

Jake: Look, we've been through this, all right? So just calm the fuck down! I mean she's a retard, right? She can't even talk.

Red: Yeah... and the only way anyone's gonna know is if Vinnie here opens his big fat mouth.

Fargo: [menacingly] You wouldn't do that... would you Vince?

Vince: [nervously smiling] Hey Jake... you know I'd never do anything to hurt the Scars!

Jake: Just forget about it. Now tell me where I can find that bitch who cut me.

Tom: Red... Red... Something's wrong with red

Red: You hit him too hard this time

Tom: Why'd you put the windshield wipers on?

Red: 'Cause when I was a little girl I used to take piano lessons, and so I like the clicking.

Red, Blue: Your such an asshole! I can't believe you let me think we were actually friends!

Red: Well maybe I would be your friend, if you weren't such a goddamn LOSER all the time!

Blue: I'm a loser? I caught you masturbating to Animal Planet!

Red: That was one time! You're just racist against elephants!

Red: Hey, toots.

Pink: Go to hell, Red.

Red: Okay, I'll see you there!

Cam: You're wasting limited resources.

Red: Limited resources! If I had to, I could make fuel out of bullshit! And there is no scarcity of *that* in this world.

[last lines]

Shana: Do you have a bathroom?

Red: Yeah.

Shana: Do you have a shower?

Red: Oh yeah!

Shana: Hot water?

Red: Uh-huh. Yeah, I've also got a sauna.

Shana: You do?

Red: And a hot tub. And, uh, as a matter of fact, you know, I should really show you how to use it because it's very dangerous for somebody to be in there all by themselves.

Shana: Oh, why is that?

Red: Well, because sometimes...

[the launch snags a power line]

Red: Oh, shit! Drop it!

Hendricks: Wh- What is it?

Red: Drop it! It's a power line!

Hendricks: Oh, terrific!

[Hendricks and Red are dragging the ocean in the police launch]

Red: We've been over this a dozen times.

Hendricks: I know, I know!

Red: How much longer?

Hendricks: Until we find something!

Red: But I'm cold, bored...

Hendricks: You're bored?

[while the alley cats are chasing Stuart in the roadster]

Lucky: I hope he runs out of gas!

Red: I hope you do!

Lucky: Why don't you run to the back?

Red: I can't help it! I have a nervous stomach!

Smokey: And I have an empty stomach! Now, get that mouse!

Smokey: How you doing? You must be Stuart.

Stuart Little: Actually... I must be going.

[Gets back into his little car]

Lucky: What's your hurry, Murray?

Red: Yeah, where ya going, Murray - - Urm Stuart. What's his name?

Smokey: [pushes the branch Stuart's on down] Here you go, boys! Dinner's served!

Monty, the Mouth: Alright, Smokey! Way to go!

Stuart Little: Oh dear!

Lucky: Look, it's mouse on a stick! I love mouse on a stick!

Monty, the Mouth: A little further! Keep him comin'! Keep him comin'! Alright I can almost reach him! Keep him coming! I got him, he's mine!

[Snowbell snaps the branch]

Monty, the Mouth: What the? Hey, the branch is the gonna!

Snowbell: Well, what have we got here?

Monty, the Mouth: Snow, don't come out here, the branch is breaking!

Snowbell: Stuart, are you alright?

Stuart Little: Yeah, yeah I'm okay.

Snowbell: Just hang on, I'll take it from here!

Monty, the Mouth: Huh? Take what?

[Snowbell pushes the branch Monty's on with Red and Lucky on further]

Monty, the Mouth: Hey, c'mon Snow! You wouldn't do this to me? I'm not your old buddy?

Snowbell: Don't worry, buddy! I'm sure you'll land

[he pushes the branch further]

Monty, the Mouth: No, no Snow! What're you doing?

Snowbell: On your feet!

[the branch snaps sending Red, Lucky and Monty into the water]

Lucky, Monty, the Mouth, Red: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

[all three cats splash in the water]

Cody: There must be a way out of here.

Krebbs: Oh, there's a way out, all right.

Red, Frank: There is?

Krebbs: [to Red] Absolutely! YOU'LL go as a wallet,

[to platypus]

Krebbs: YOU'LL go as a belt, and our dear Frank...

Frank: No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!

Krebbs: Frank will go as...

Frank: I can't hear you!

[covers ears while singing nonsense; stops to see if Krebbs is done]

Krebbs: A purse.

Frank: Oh, no!

Krebbs: Oh, a lovely lady's purse.

Frank: I don't want to go as a purse! Please, please don't let him do it!

Principal Todd Moss: Open the door!

Red: [Driving away] Sorry, man we got a schedule to keep.

Principal Todd Moss: Open the door!

Red: What's the magic word?

Principal Todd Moss: Open the door!

Red: What's the magic word?

Principal Todd Moss: Please!

Red: [Opens the door] The magic word is "Rock and Roll," man.

Red: Hey, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Where do you think you're going?

Principal Todd Moss: Getting on the bus.

Red: You're on the wrong bus, dude. This is the magic bus.

Principal Todd Moss: I'm counting on you to stick to the schedule. It's percisley 8:06. Let's get going.

Red: [to himself, after Moss walks by] Principal Dickhead.

Red: You kids, Man, you sure don't know how to party. When I was your age, well, we partied, Man.

[Principal Moss is passed put]

Miss Tracy Milford: Principal Moss? Principal Moss? Principal Moss!

Reggie Barry: Is he dead?

Red: Nah, he ain't dead, man. He's just in a coma.

Miss Tracy Milford: What?

Red: Yeah, I guess that car-sick pill is working on him. It should, man, it's a Red. Horse tranquilizer.

Miss Tracy Milford: But I saw you take a handful of them.

Red: Oh, they don't work on me, man. That's why they call me Red. I'm immune!

Reggie Barry: [to everyone in the back of the bus] Hey! Moss is in a coma. Let's party!

Red: Hey, look at that damn hat, will ya. You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the hat he's wearin'. Read his whole history, as a matter of fact. Every day, everything he's been through, everything he's made of. By God, it's all written right there in his hat, chapter and verse. Right? Yeah. And I'll tell you something else.

[chokes up]

Red: I found me a grandson. Yeah.

Gally: So, where exactly are we going?

Red: About 200 miles this-a way. Down to old Mexico.

Gally: Mexico? No, I can't go to Mexico.

Red: Why not, you got tickets to the opry or something?

Red: Better to be an old man's darling than a young man's slave. You ever heard that?

Patty Wafers: [laughs]

Gally: Yeah, you know what else they said? The older they get, the better they were when they were young.

Red: I'm old, see.I'm broke and I'm alone. And I'm more 'scared of dying with somebody spoon feeding me oatmeal, than anything else in the world.

Patty Wafers: I'm glad I'm here with you.

[kneeling]

Patty Wafers: Were you really going to take me back to Texas with you? Or were you just shitting me?

Red: Hell yeah I was gonna take you back to Texas with me, of course. Not that I got a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.

[chuckles]

Patty Wafers: It's okay. Come home with me then.

Gally: I'm glad for both of you. Really, I'm glad.

Patty Wafers: Come with us.

Red: Yeah, come on. It's still a wild and woolly country down here. You just might like it.

Gally: No, I uh, I think I've had enough wild and woolly for a while.

Red: [to Gally] You got your head so far up your ass, you ain't never gonna smell the roses.

Charlie: By the way, Carface, what did you trade Red for your collar?

Carface: He wanted the bottom of my shoes, or something. Hehehe. I don't even wear shoes. Ah, stupid cat.

Red: [from the hole which he went back to Hell through] Stupid dog! It was your soul!

[Demons rise up from the hole and pull Carface into the hole as the others look down]

Carface: Let me go! Red! This is not good! Red, no! Not the flames!

Itchy: What do you know? And I thought all dogs go to Heaven.

[first lines]

Carface: [on the payphone] Boss, uh...

Red: Something happened. What's wrong?

Carface: You'll have the item today, just like we agreed. It's as good as in your hands. Nothing can go wrong!

Red: You contemptible canine!

Carface: Don't call me canine!

[Red grumbles]

Carface: Do you know the meaning of patience?

Red: [the phone receiver burns in Carface's hand] Silence! As long as dogs are involved, ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG!

Carface: [hangs up] I'll take that as a no. Sheesh, what a hothead!

[the sound of change is heard]

Carface: [checks] Ah, keep the quarter.

[Carface puts his halo on and leaves as the receiver burns and smokes up without notice]

Red: [after revealing true form to Charlie and Itchy] Guess the cat's out of the bag. Aye?

Red: [singing] It feels so good to be bad! So delicious to be a despicable cad. It's just so thrilling and so fulfilling to give somebody the worst time they've ever had!

Red: You dogs have enjoyed a state of grace for far too long, wouldn't you agree Carface?

Carface: Er, yeah, whatever you say Boss.

Red: All these cells, filled with dogs... can you see it?

Carface: Oh yeah, er sure.

Red: And me playing Gabriel's Horn! Can you hear it?

Carface: Oh sure, just put your lips together and blow?

Red: And then, the grand finale!

Carface: That's er, that's not coming in so clear actual.

Red: Oh it will, and all thanks to Charlie Barkin!

[laughs evilly]

Red: Make sure he doesn't disappoint me!

Carface: You got it Boss!

Red: [singing] It's so so stirring, I feel like purring!

Carface: It's deeply pleasing to be the reason...

Red, Carface: So many will be so sad!

Red: Three cheers for treachery! It feel so good to be bad!

Charlie: Come on Red, you can trust me.

Red: This isn't about trust, a deal with me is binding.

Red: [after hearing about the last trip to Kong's island] He expect *us* to go ashore?

[gestures to Denham]

Helstrom: Sure. He's got to have a bodyguard, hasn't he? Say, you know there were a dozen sailors killed on the last voyage he made here?

Red: Killed? By them animals?

Helstrom: Yeah. But, you see Denham and the Skipper came out all right. Ah, but you don't have to worry. There are plenty of rifles aboard.

[suggestively]

Helstrom: If *I* were captain, I certainly wouldn't take my crew into danger.

Helstrom: Oh, and I'm going to make you First Mate.

Red: Is that so? Do you think we got rid of a good captain for a bad one?

Red: Throw him overboard with the rest of the captains.

Red: Row, you blasted bourgeois! It's a nice day for it.

Smokey: [after Craig knocks out Deebo] You got knocked the fuck out, man! Give me my goddamn money...

[Smokey takes $200 from a knocked-out Deebo]

Smokey: Payback's a motherfucker, ain't it? Nigga!

[walking away]

Smokey: Pow! Pow, Pow, POW!

Red: [punches Deebo as he's getting up and takes chain back] My grandmama gave me this chain!

Ezal: [slowly walks to Deebo] Deebo? DEEBO! Man, you shoulda been bobbin' and weavin'! Look 'it at ya! GET UP! Since you ain't, maybe I'll take these shoes!

[struggling to take Deebo's shoe off]

Ezal: Big... foot... motherfucker, you can *have* ya knife! 'Cause I *STEAL*, I don't *KILL*.

Red: [after having his necklace snatched by Deebo] Hey, man, why didn't y'all help me!

Smokey: [slouching in his chair] Man, I'm high.

Red: Man, that's fucked up. If it was y'all, I would've helped y'all.

Craig Jones: What about the time he tried to choke me in Smoke's backyard?

Red: [pause, thinks about it] Oh, that was different.

Red: My pops told me to ask for my bike back... you know I wouldn't trip.

Horsey: How do you like those ducks?

Red: Barbecued. That's how I like them.

Red: [narrating] Andy Dufresne - who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.

1967 Parole Hearings Man: Ellis Boyd Redding, your files say you've served 40 years of a life sentence. Do you feel you've been rehabilitated?

Red: Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means.

1967 Parole Hearings Man: Well, it means that you're ready to rejoin society...

Red: I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it's just a made up word. A politician's word, so young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did?

1967 Parole Hearings Man: Well, are you?

Red: There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit.

Andy Dufresne: [referring to Andy using an alias to launder money for the warden] If they ever try to trace any of those accounts, they're gonna end up chasing a figment of my imagination.

Red: Well, I'll be damned. Did I say you were good? Shit, you're a Rembrandt!

Andy Dufresne: Yeah. The funny thing is - on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.

Red: [narrating] Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

Andy Dufresne: What about you? What are you in here for?

Red: Murder, same as you.

Andy Dufresne: Innocent?

Red: [shakes his head] Only guilty man in Shawshank.

Red: [narrating] I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.

Heywood: The Count of Monte Crisco...

Floyd: That's "Cristo" you dumb shit.

Heywood: ...by Alexandree Dumb-ass. Dumb-ass.

Andy Dufresne: Dumb-ass? "Dumas". You know what it's about? You'll like it, it's about a prison break.

Red: We oughta file that under "Educational" too, oughten we?

Red: [after being denied parole as he expected] Same old shit, different day

Red: [narrating] Forty years I been asking permission to piss. I can't squeeze a drop without say-so.

Red: [to Andy] Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

[last lines]

Red: [narrating] I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

Andy Dufresne: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?

Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.

Andy Dufresne: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.

Red: Forget?

Andy Dufresne: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.

Red: What're you talking about?

Andy Dufresne: Hope.

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.

Ernie: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway.

Red: [referring to the possibility of Andy committing suicide] I don't know; every man has his breaking point.

Red: [narrating, referring to the warden committing suicide] I'd like to think that the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.

Andy Dufresne: Red. If you ever get out of here, do me a favor.

Red: Sure, Andy. Anything.

Andy Dufresne: There's a big hayfield up near Buxton. You know where Buxton is?

Red: Well, there's... there's a lot of hayfields up there.

Andy Dufresne: One in particular. It's got a long rock wall with a big oak tree at the north end. It's like something out of a Robert Frost poem. It's where I asked my wife to marry me. We went there for a picnic and made love under that oak and I asked and she said yes. Promise me, Red. If you ever get out... find that spot. At the base of that wall, you'll find a rock that has no earthly business in a Maine hayfield. Piece of black, volcanic glass. There's something buried under it I want you to have.

Red: What, Andy? What's buried under there?

Andy Dufresne: [turns to walk away] You'll have to pry it up... to see.

Andy Dufresne: [in a letter to Red] Dear Red. If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you?

Red: Zihuatanejo.

Andy Dufresne: I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend. Andy.

Andy Dufresne: You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?

Red: No.

Andy Dufresne: They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.

Red: [narrating] We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the lords of all creation. As for Andy - he spent that break hunkered in the shade, a strange little smile on his face, watching us drink his beer.

Red: [narrating] In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a man six hundred years to tunnel through the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh, Andy loved geology. I imagine it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big goddamn poster. Like I said, in prison a man will do most anything to keep his mind occupied. Turns out Andy's favorite hobby was totin' his wall out into the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after Tommy was killed, Andy decided he'd been here just about long enough. Andy did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The guards simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

Red: [narrating] Not long after the warden deprived us of his company, I got a postcard in the mail. It was blank, but the postmark said Fort Hancock, Texas. Fort Hancock... right on the border. That's where Andy crossed. When I picture him heading south in his own car with the top down, it always makes me laugh. Andy Dufresne... who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. Andy Dufresne... headed for the Pacific.

Red: [narrating] The first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell... and those bars slam home... that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it.

Warden Samuel Norton: [after Andy escapes] Well?

Red: Well what?

Warden Samuel Norton: I see you two all the time, you're thick as thieves, you are. He musta said *something*.

Red: Honest, Warden, not a word.

Warden Samuel Norton: [frustrated] Lord, it's a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind! Nothing left but some damn rocks on the windowsill. And that cupcake on the wall! Let's ask her, maybe she knows.

Warden Samuel Norton: [to poster] What say you there, fuzzy-britches? Feel like talking? Aw, guess not. Why should she be any different?

[hefting one of Andy's rocks]

Warden Samuel Norton: This is a conspiracy, that's what it is.

[throwing rocks]

Warden Samuel Norton: One... big... damn conspiracy! And everyone's in on it, including *her*!

[Throws a rock at the poster, the rock goes right through it and they hear it clattering. Norton puts his arm through the torn poster and rips it away from the wall, revealing Andy's escape tunnel]

Red: [narrating] There's a harsh truth to face. No way I'm gonna make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole, so maybe they'd send me back. Terrible thing, to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense. Where I won't have to be afraid all the time. Only one thing stops me. A promise I made to Andy.

Red: [narrating, referring to Andy] I could see why some of the boys took him for snobby. He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here. He strolled, like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world, like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place. Yeah, I think it would be fair to say... I liked Andy from the start.

Andy Dufresne: I have no enemies here.

Red: Yeah? Wait a while. Word gets around. The Sisters have taken quite a likin' to you. Especially Boggs.

Andy Dufresne: I don't suppose it would help if I told them that I'm not homosexual.

Red: Neither are they. You have to be human first. They don't qualify.

Captain Hadley: Dufresne!

[to Dekins]

Captain Hadley: That's him. That's the one.

Guard Dekins: I'm Dekins. I was thinking about setting up some kind of trust fund for my kids' educations.

Andy Dufresne: Oh, I see. Well, why don't we have a seat and talk it over. Brooks, do you have a piece of paper and a pencil? Thanks. So, Mr. Dekins...

Brooks: [at lunchtime to the other prisoners] And then Andy says, "Mr. Dekins, do you want your sons to go to Harvard... or Yale?"

Floyd: He didn't say that!

Brooks: God is my witness! Dekins just looked at him a second and then he laughed himself silly and afterwards he actually shook Andy's hand.

Heywood: My ass.

Brooks: Shook his hand! I near soiled myself, I mean all Andy needed was a suit and a tie and a little jiggly hula gal on his desk and he woulda been *Mister* Dufresne, if you please.

Red: Making a few friends, huh Andy?

Andy Dufresne: I wouldn't say friends. I'm a convicted murderer who provides sound financial planning - it's a wonderful pet to have.

Red: [narrating] I must admit I didn't think much of Andy first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.

Red: You're gonna fit right in. Everyone in here is innocent, you know that? Heywood, what you in here for?

Heywood: Didn't do it. Lawyer fucked me.

Red: [narrating] His first night in the joint, Andy Dufresne cost me two packs of cigarettes. He never made a sound.

Red: [narrating] Two things never happened again after that. The Sisters never laid a finger on Andy again... and Boggs never walked again. They transferred him to a minimum security hospital upstate. To my knowledge, he lived out the rest of his days drinking his food through a straw.

Red: [referring to Andy] The man likes to play chess; let's get him some rocks.

Red: [Narrating] There must be a con like me in every prison in America. I'm the guy who can get if for you; cigarettes, a bag of reefer, if that's your thing, a bottle of brandy to celebrate your kid's high school graduation, damn near anything within reason. Yes sir, I'm a regular Sears and Roebuck.

[Andy is comforting a sobbing Brooks after he held a knife to Heywood's neck]

Heywood: Hey, what about me? Crazy old fool goddamn near cut my throat!

Red: Aw Heywood, you've had worse from shaving!

Red: Ever bother you?

Andy Dufresne: I don't run the scams Red, I just process the profits. Fine line, maybe, but I also built that library and used it to help a dozen guys get their high school diploma. Why do you think the warden lets me do all that?

Red: To keep you happy and doing the laundry. Money instead of sheets.

[Andy has asked Red to procure Rita Hayworth]

Andy Dufresne: Can you get her?

Red: Take a few weeks.

Andy Dufresne: Weeks?

Red: Well yeah, Andy. I don't have her stuffed down the front of my pants right now, I'm sorry to say, but I'll get her. Relax!

Andy Dufresne: I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

Red: I'm known to locate certain things from time to time.

[Red places his bet on Andy]

Red: That tall drink of water with the silver spoon up his ass.

Red: [narrating] You could argue he'd done it to curry favor with the guards. Or, maybe make a few friends among us cons. Me, I think he did it just to feel normal again, if only for a short while.

Red: [narrating] Tommy Williams came to Shawshank in 1965 on a two-year stretch for B&E. That's breaking & entering to you. Cops caught him sneaking TV sets out the back door of a JC Penney. Young punk. Mr. Rock and Roll. Cocky as hell.

Tommy Williams: Hey, c'mon, old boys! You're movin' like molasses! Makin' me look bad!

Red: [narrating] We liked him immediately.

Red: Get busy living or get busy dying. That's goddamn right!

Red: [narrating] I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

[watching Rita Hayworth in Gilda]

Red: This is the part I really like, when she does that shit with her hair.

[after Brooks held a knife to Heywood's throat]

Andy Dufresne: I just don't understand what happened in there.

Heywood: Old man's crazy as a rat in a tin shithouse, is what.

Red: Oh Heywood, that's enough out of you!

Ernie: I heard he had you shittin' in your pants!

Heywood: Fuck you!

Red: Would you knock it off? Brooks ain't no bug. He's just... just institutionalized.

Heywood: Institutionalized, my ass.

Red: The man's been in here fifty years, Heywood. Fifty years! This is all he knows. In here, he's an important man. He's an educated man. Outside, he's nothin'! Just a used up con with arthritis in both hands.

Red: [narrating] The following April Andy did tax returns for half the guards at Shawshank. Year after that he did them all including the warden's. Year after that they rescheduled the start of the intra-mural season to coincide with tax season. The guards on the opposing teams all remembered to bring their W2s.

Andy Dufresne: So Moresby prison issued you your gun, but you actually had to pay for it.

Moresby Batter: Damn right. The holster too.

Andy Dufresne: You see, that's tax deductible, you can write that off.

Red: Well, if it was a toothbrush I wouldn't ask questions, I'd just quote a price, but then a toothbrush is a non-lethal object, isn't it?

Red: [narrating] And that's how it came to pass that on the second-to-last day of the job, the convict crew that tarred the plate factory roof in the spring of forty-nine wound up sitting in a row at ten o'clock in the morning drinking icy cold, Bohemia-style beer, courtesy of the hardest screw that ever walked a turn at Shawshank State Prison.

Captain Hadley: Drink up while it's cold, ladies.

Red: [narrating] The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous.

[Playing checkers]

Red: King me.

Andy Dufresne: Chess. Now there's a game of kings.

Red: What?

Andy Dufresne: Civilized. Strategic...

Red: ...and a total fuckin' mystery. I hate it.

Red: [to Andy, wondering when he'll be granted parole] One day, when I have a long gray beard and two or three marbles rollin' around upstairs, they'll let me out.

Heywood: Red? You saying Andy's innocent? I mean *for real* innocent?

Red: Yeah, it looks that way.

Heywood: Sweet Jesus. How long's he been in here?

Red: Since '47, what is that... 19 years.

Warden Samuel Norton: [as Mozart music is playing on the phonograph, the Warden comes to bang on the door] Open the door. Open it up! Dufresne, open this door! Turn that off!

[Andy acts like he is going to do as he says]

Warden Samuel Norton: I am warning you Dufresne, TURN THAT OFF!

[Andy turns up the volume instead, so Hadley comes to the door]

Captain Hadley: Dufresne...

[taps on the door with the club]

Captain Hadley: ... come on down.

[Andy does nothing, so Hadley smashes the screen on the door, unlocks it, and comes in the room]

Red: [narrating] Andy got two weeks in the hole for that little stunt.

Captain Hadley: [turns off the phonograph] On your feet.

Andy Dufresne: Thirty years. Jesus, when you say it like that...

Red: ...You wonder where it went.

[Tommy and Red are talking about Andy]

Tommy Williams: What's he in here for, anyway?

Red: Murder.

Tommy Williams: [Impressed] The hell you say!

Andy Dufresne: Not me. I didn't shoot my wife, and I didn't shoot her lover. Whatever mistakes I made, I've paid for them and then some. That hotel, that boat... I don't think that's too much to ask.

Red: You shouldn't be doing this to yourself. This is just shitty pipe dreams. Mexico is way down there and you're in here... and that's the way it is

[Tommy receives a letter from the Board of Education]

Red: You gonna open it, or stand there with your thumb up your butt?

Tommy Williams: Thumb up my butt sounds better.

Andy Dufresne: I wonder if you might get me a rock hammer

Red: What is it? And why?

Andy Dufresne: A rock hammer is about six or seven inches long looks like a miniature Pickaxe

Red: Pickaxe?

Andy Dufresne: For rocks.

Red: For rocks?

Andy Dufresne: I'm from a rock hound at least I was in my old life I'd like to be again on a limited basis

Red: Or maybe you'd like to sink your into somebody's skull

Andy Dufresne: No I have no enemies here

Red: No? Wait a while word gets around full queers take by force that's all they want or understand if I were you I'd grow eyes in the back of my head

Andy Dufresne: Thanks for the advice

Red: That's free, you understand my concern?

Andy Dufresne: If there's any trouble I won't use the rock hammer

Red: I guess you'd want to escape? Tunnel under the wall

[Andy starts laughing]

Red: did I miss something? What's so funny?

Andy Dufresne: You'll understand when you see the rock hammer

Red: What's an item like this usually go for?

Andy Dufresne: Seven dollars in any rock and gem shop

Red: My normal marker is twenty percent but this is a specialty item risk goes up price goes up let's make it an even ten bucks

Andy Dufresne: Ten it is

Red: Waste of money if you ask me

Andy Dufresne: Why's that?

Red: Folks around this joint love surprise inspections if they find you're going to lose it, if they do catch you with it you don't know me, you mention my name we never do business again not for a shoe lace or a stick of gum you got that?

Andy Dufresne: I understand thank you Mr.?

Red: "Red", my name's Red

Snooze: [after thinking Andy might commit suicide in prison] Oh, man, Andy came down by me and asked for a rope?

Red: And you gave it to him?

Red: [narrating] But then, in the spring of 1949, the powers that be decided that...

Warden Samuel Norton: [Addressing the inmates in the courtyard] The roof of the license-plate factory needs resurfacing. I need a dozen volunteers for a week's work. As you know, special detail carries with it special privileges.

Red: [narrating] It was outdoor detail - and May is one damn fine month to be working outdoors.

Floyd: Takin' bets today, Red?

Red: Smokes or coins, better's choice.

Floyd: Smokes. Put me down for two.

Red: All right, who's your horse?

Floyd: That little sack o' shit. Eighth, eighth from the front. He'll be first.

Heywood: Aw, bullshit. I'll call that action. You out some smokes, son, let me tell you!

Floyd: Well, Heywood, you so smart, you call it!

Heywood: I'll take the chubby fat-ass there. Fifth from the front. Put me down for a quarter deck.

Red: [after lights out and the guards walk out of the main area]

[Narrating]

Red: I remember my first night, seems like a long time ago.

Prisoner: Yoo-hoo. Big fish. Fish, fish, fish, fishie?

[the others start talking quietly, trying to taunt the newcomers]

Another Prisoner: Poke your ass out here! Give me a first look!

Another Prisoner: Shhh. Keep it down.

Red: [Narrating] The boys always go fishing with first-timers, and they don't stop until they reel one in.

Heywood: [Quietly] Hey, fat ass. Fat ass. Talk to me boy.

[Cut to a shot of him quietly sobbing]

Heywood: I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. Now, don't you listen to these nit-wits, ya hear me? This place ain't so bad. Tell you what. I'll introduce you around. Make you feel right at home. I know a couple of big bull queers that would just love to make your acquaintance, especially that big white mushy butt of yours.

Fat Ass: [Cracks] God! I don't belong here!

Inmates: We have a winner! It's the fat guy!

Fat Ass: I wanna go home!

Heywood: [Announcing] And it's fat ass by a nose!

[Starts the chant]

Heywood: Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Inmates: [Chant and clap] Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Fat Ass: [Comes up to the bars] I don't belong here! I wanna go home! I want my momma!

Prisoner: I had your mother! She wasn't that great!

Captain Hadley: [Storms in with his guys] What the Christ is this happy horse shit?

Another Prisoner: [as everyone quiets down] He took the Lord's name in vain. I'm telling the warden.

Captain Hadley: You'll be telling him about my baton up your ass!

Fat Ass: [as Hadley comes up to his cell] You gotta let me out! You gotta!

Captain Hadley: What is your major malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?

Fat Ass: Please! I ain't supposed to be here! Not me!

Captain Hadley: [Not one ounce of sympathy] I ain't going to count to three! I'm not even going to count to one! You will shut the FUCK up, or I'll sing you a lullaby!

Heywood: [Under his breath] Shut up, man. Shut up.

Fat Ass: [Crying and pleading] Please! There's been a mistake! You don't understand! I'm not supposed to be here!

Captain Hadley: [to his men] Open that cell!

Prisoner: Me neither! You people run this place like a fuckin prison!

Captain Hadley: [Once his cell door is open, he drags him out and beats him severely in the torso and head with his baton, then knocks him out with one last kick to his head]

[to the rest of the inmates]

Captain Hadley: If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night, I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary! Every last motherfucker in here!

[Quietly to his men]

Captain Hadley: Call the trustees to take that tub of shit down to the infirmary.

Andy Dufresne: [repeated lines to each other] I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

Red: [repeated lines to each other] I'm known to locate certain things from time to time.

Red: [repeated lines to the parole board during his hearing when asked if he feels rehabilitated] Oh yes sir, absolutely sir, I mean I've learned my lesson. I can honestly say I'm a "changed man", no longer a danger to society here, and that's the God's honest truth.

Jake: Kermit ain't showed up yet.

Red: Yo man, let me tell you, that nigger set his watch for yesterday, the motherfucker still gonna be late.

Red: I tell you, Tiny, you gotta let him in on it.

Tiny: How many times I gotta say it? There's no percentage in smartenin' up a chump.

John: [after Red has pistol-whipped Vanning into unconsciousness] Feel better?

Red: Yeah.

John: Look, Red, tonight's his night. Might be a short one. Might be a long one. But he's gonna keep breathing until we get an answer out of him. You got that?

Red: [Sarcastically] Oh, John, you got a soft spot!

John: Like the top of your head. That's your whole trouble. You know that? The top of your head never closed up when you were a kid... neither did your mouth!

Ben Fraser: [stalling for time] What are you going to do with your end of the money, Red?

Red: [Sarcastically] I'm going to set up a scholarship at Harvard.

Jackie O'Hara: So... Teddy fuckin' Timmons, huh? I heard you were back.

Teddy: Yeah.

Jackie O'Hara: You don't call me!

Teddy: Well, no, you see, Jackie, I-I just got back...

Jackie O'Hara: -What are you boys drinkin'? Hey, Shang, get a round in here will you?

Shang: [calls out] Sure, Jack.

Jackie O'Hara: Fuckin' Celtics, huh?

Teddy: I-I-I g-guess you've been hearin' stories about me, huh, Jackie?

Jackie O'Hara: I heard you was back was all.

Teddy: Well, let me tell ya. This is fuckin' hilarious, you're gunna piss your pants. Remember that Perez, that fuckin' spic from Dorchester? Remember him?

Jackie O'Hara: What, the little guy?

Teddy: R-remember you sent me and Gavin down to talk to him? Gavvy, you remember that?

Gavin: [nods] Sure, I remember that.

Teddy: So about a month ago these F.B.I. guys come to talk to me in the joint. And, I don't even talk to regular cops, ever, you know? Like when they came to me after I got busted for all that coke... And they said 'Jackie O' and I said 'I know the guy, but I don't work for anyone'.

Jackie O'Hara: Hey, thanks for that by the way.

Teddy: That's no problem, Jackie. So, these F.B.I. guys want to know about Perez 'cause they're building a case against him, right? You're going to love this. I say, 'You mean Junior Perez of Columbia Avenue in Dorchester, about five-two, got a fat-assed girlfriend that looks like a fuckin' pitbull?' They said yeah, and I said 'No, never heard of the guy'.

[everyone laughs]

Teddy: Right? So now they roll up their sleeves. They're not going nowhere. And I sit there for three hours, fuckin' sweatin', shakin'. I almost start cryin'. It's like fuckin' Academy Award time. Finally I break down. And you know, I tell 'em the truth. I-I'm like George fuckin' Washington, I cannot tell a lie. 'I know Perez, and I used to work for him.'. I-I give 'em Perez, that fat fuckin' Columbian prick Menendez, locations, everything. And then they come back to me, and they want me to testify. It's like Witness Protection bullshit, and i'm like, 'Fuck you. I'm not going into any Witness Protection bullshit fuckin' plan. Fuck that! We made a deal!'. So now this lawyer they gave me is all over 'em. I'm not even safe in the joint with the witness protection and shit, and they got no choice! They gotta let me go.

Jackie O'Hara: [pause, everyone looks at each other] Fuck! Can you believe that? Fuck!

Teddy: Yeah, I tell ya it was a fuckin' nightmare. Never trust those Feds, man, they fuckin' lie. I'm lucky to be here.

Jackie O'Hara: Yeah, fuckin' Feds. Cocksuckers, huh?

Red: Pricks.

Jackie O'Hara: They're in Boston looking for Puerto Ricans. In Washington they're stealing us blind!

Red: Absolutely right.

Jackie O'Hara: Hey, here's to Teddy.

[raises glass]

Jackie O'Hara: Welcome home!

[all toasting, shouting]

Jackie O'Hara: When the cops gonna learn, huh? This town don't talk. Especially this kid right here.

[points and playfully slaps Seamus]

Jackie O'Hara: A fuckin' chatterbox, the gift of gab, huh?

[everyone laughs]

Jackie O'Hara: Hey guys I gotta go. Katy's mother's cookin' dinner. Anyone got any rolaids?

[laughing]

Teddy: Hey, hey, Jackie, uh, we're cool, right?

Jackie O'Hara: Sure, sure, hey. Give me a call on the weekend. We got some work.

Red: I can see the hand-writin' on the ceiling.

Violet: Do you know what I love?

Red: [excited] Rubber dicks?

Violet: Well yes, but that's not what I was going to say...

Red: [still excited] Rubber dicks slathered to the hilt with peanut butter?

Red: [talking to a co-worker on the phone] Well, you know what? You couldn't find your ass with both hands.

Red: [to the freshmen potheads] There she is boys, Mandy Lane. Untouched, pure. Since the dawn of junior year men have tried to possess her, and to date all have failed. Some have even died in their reckless pursuit of this angel.

Jake: I can see your nipples.

Chloe: Obviously.

Marlin: How do you get them that hard?

Chloe: It's a secret.

Marlin: [looking at map of USA with Xs] What's with all the Xs.

Red: Jake's hooked up with a girl from each of those states.

Marlin: Yeah right. There are like 40 states accounted for here.

Jake: 42

Red: And the fuckers parents are taking him to Alaska in August.

Red: Mmm... Oh, God, don't tell me you're one of those guys who farts, rolls over, and then goes to sleep!

Duane Duke: I picked you up in a bar, after one lousy drink! Whaddya wanna to get married?

Red: You shit-heel!

[She slaps him]

Duane Duke: Look! I gotta get up for work soon, so why don't you just go home, huh?

Red: How? You brought me out here.

Duane Duke: Here's cab fare. Phone book's on the table.

Red: Jesus, You make it all sound so cheap.

Duane Duke: It is? But it beats a good vibrator.

Red: Yeah? Well at least a vibrator gets me off!

[Flips him off]

Duane Duke: [Grabs Red] Use the payphone, bitch!

Red: Yeah, I'm a wolf in "ships" clothing!

Flo Foster: Can't understand why they reject guys with flat feet and take em with flat heads!

Red: Say there is a movie playing Maisie Goes to the Laundry.

Hattie Maloney: No please, she gives me a headache. Ann Southern starred in the Maisie film series which makes this quote laughable.