Jacques Quotes in The Mummy Returns (2001)

Jacques: This place... is cursed.

Red: What is it with you and curses?

Spivey: He ain't happy without a good curse.

[mockingly]

Spivey: This is cursed. That is cursed.

[post-credits scene]

Fluke, Rudder: [Gerald attempts to get on the rock until he is once again scared away] Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

[Fluke and Rudder go back to sleep as we hear The Tank Gang]

Bubbles: Come on!

Bloat: Roll, roll. That's it, hurry. That's it. Just Roll.

Peach: Hey guys, wait up!

Gill: Come on, Peach!

Peach: I'm right behind ya!

Gill: You can do it!

[the Tank Gang appears swimming in their algae-covered bags as well as Jacques in his clean bag]

Gill: Just a little farther. That's it.

Gurgle: I am truly going to vomit!

[the Tank Gang finally stop swimming and sigh with relief]

Jacques: Voila!

[Gill, Bloat, Peach, Gurgle, Bubbles, and Deb wipe off the algae in their bags]

Gill: ll right, gang, good work.

[cheering with Bloat laughing in joy]

Deb (& Flo): Oh, look Flo. We made it!

Gill: We won't have anymore problems from here on out!

[the Tank Gang start to cheer until they are "rescued" by the Marine Life Institute]

Marine Life Institute Female Rescuer: [as she places The Tank Gang in the cooler] No respect for ocean life.

[closes the cooler]

Bloat: Now what?

[the raft drives off]

Bloat: [Fluke and Rudder go back to sleep as Gerald manages to sneak up on the rock behind them and chuckles to end the movie]

Bloat: Nemo, newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the summit of Mt. Wannahockaloogie to join with us in the fraternal bonds of tankhood!

Nemo: Huh?

Peach: We want you in our club, kid.

Nemo: Really?

Bloat: If you are able to swim through... The Ring of Fire!

[Nothing]

Bloat: [Under his breath] Turn on the Ring of Fire. The Ring of Fire!

Jacques: Oops!

[turns on the volcano]

Bloat: You said you could do it.

[the volcano is on]

Bloat: Ring of Fire!

Gurgle: So, which one is it?

Nemo: I'm from the ocean.

Gurgle: Oh, the ocean. The ocean! AAAH! He hasn't been decontaminated yet! Jacques!

Jacques: Oui.

Gurgle: CLEAN HIM!

Jacques: Oui.

Gurgle: Ocean!

Jacques: Oo, la mer! Bon!

[Spins Nemo around as he cleans him]

Jacques: Voilà. He is clean.

[Nemo is sleeping, Jacques throws many rocks onto him]

Nemo: ...uh... Huh?

[wakes up]

Jacques: Suivez-moi.

[Nemo stares, unsure]

Jacques: [returns to clarify] Follow me.

Gill: All right, gang, we have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank will get plenty dirty in that time, but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques.

Jacques: Oui.

Gill: No cleaning.

Jacques: I shall resist.

Gill: Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy the dentist will HAVE to clean it.

[Bloat belches]

Gill: Good work.

Bloat: You must pass through... The ring of Fire.

[pause]

Bloat: Turn on The Ring of Fire. The *Ring of Fire*. You said you could do it.

Jacques: Oops, sorry.

Gill: Look at that. Would you look at that? Filthy. Absolutely filthy. And it's all thanks to you, kid. You made it possible. Jacques! I told you not to clean!

Jacques: I am ashamed.

Johanna: What's it feel like when you dive?

Jacques: It's a feeling of slipping without falling. The hardest thing is when you're at the bottom.

Johanna: Why?

Jacques: 'Cause you have to find a good reason to come back up... and I have a hard time finding one.

Johanna: Talk to me some more

Jacques: It's hard, you know. I don't know what else to say. You're so far away.

Johanna: Tell me a story.

Jacques: A story? Do you now how it is- do you know what you're supposed to do, to meet a mermaid?

Johanna: No.

Jacques: You go down to the bottom of the sea, where the water isn't even blue anymore, where the sky is only a memory, and you float there, in the silence. And you stay there, and you decide, that you'll die for them. Only then do they start coming out. They come, and they greet you, and they judge the love you have for them. If it's sincere, if it's pure, they'll be with you, and take you away forever.

Johanna: I like that story

Jacques: I know you.

Johanna: We just met, a few minutes ago.

Jacques: In the lake.

Johanna: No in the hut.

Jacques: Then it must have been someone who looked like a lot like you.

[after a drunken breath holding contest]

Jacques: Who won?

Johanna: Who won what? The asshole award? Let me tell you, it was a tie!

Enzo: You were right.

Jacques: About what?

Enzo: It's much better down there... It's a better place...

Jacques: no...

Enzo: Push me back in the water...

Jacques: No, I couldn't...

Enzo: Jacques... Take me back down... Please...

Jacques: I don't understand. Please explain to me.

Enzo: What do you want to know?

Jacques: Everything!

Enzo: About what?

Jacques: About everything!

Enzo: Mama mia.

Uncle Louis: [to Johana] So, where are you from, Henrietta?

Jacques: Johana! New York!

Uncle Louis: New YORK? What KIND of a name is that?

Johanna: No, I'm *from* new York

Uncle Louis: Oh Yes! The best lays are from New York!

Jacques: Why're you always talkin'? Y'know- you think that other people are interested in what you're talkin' about? I'M not interested, and other people aren't either! So just STOP talkin', because other people have other things to say y'know! You understand me? Stop talkin'! It's bullshit!

Enzo: She's gone?

Jacques: YES! She's gone!

[as the duel begins]

Jacques: Lindo, whichever one of us falls, let there be no hard feelings.

Lindo: Yes, Jack, there will be no hard feelings if you die.

Jacques: What?

Lindo: If we both hit the heart, there won't be any feelings at all.

Claude: Do you know the myth of Leda and the Swan? Zeus turned himself into a swan, and seduced Leda. And she gave birth to two eggs.

Jacques: So, Leda and the Swan had sex.

Claude: I wonder, what sort of man becomes a swan?

Lindo: Did you put this up hoping to be that sort of man?

Claude: [looks at Marion] I feel as though I never will be...

Lindo: Don't get so serious, sex is only a reproductive act. You don't need love to have sex, it's just a natural physical need.

Jacques: It's no different from eating or drinking!

Marion: Stop it!

[walks out]

Jacques: Damn, he always runs away when we talk about this...

Lindo: He's slow in that aspect.

Claude: But have any of you ever been with a woman?

Jacques: What are you gonna do? you gonna execute me for my sins? Don't think you're better than me, you fucking psycho. You fucking almost killed people for butting into line.

Frank D'Arbo: [Interrupts] You don't butt in line! You don't sell drugs! You don't molest little children! You don't profit on the misery of others! The rules were set a long time ago. They don't change.

Jacques: You really think that killing me, stabbing me to death is gonna change the world?

Frank D'Arbo: I can't know that for sure... unless I try.

Jacques: You really think that killing me... stabbing me to death is going to change the world?

Frank D'Arbo: I can't know that for sure, unless I try.

Jacques: Alright, pal. Haven't I been nice to you? I mean I've been nice, right? I complimented your cooking. You don't know who I am, so I'm gonna give you one last warning. Out of the fucking kindness of my fucking heart don't

[shouting]

Jacques: fucking touch my car again.

Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!

[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]

Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?

Jacques: None!

Citizen Official: Have you any last request?

Jacques: None!

Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!

[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]

Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!

Citizen Official: What is your last request?

Jacques: Novocaine!

[the Official confers with the Executioner]

Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!

Jacques: I'll wait!

[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]

Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.

Jacques: [about to be executed in Louis's place] Please, please believe me, I'm not the king!

Crowd: BULLSHIT!

Jacques: This is a very hard crowd!

Jacques: You two

[meaning Charles and Claude Coupe]

Jacques: will act as a diversion.

Jacques: The real attack will begin while the guards are killing you!

[first lines]

Jacques: [singing] I'll lay the dish here / Ooh, la la la la! / To hold the fish here / Ooh, la la la la! / The serviettes here / And now the cigarettes here / And matches, too. / They mustn't complain. / A little candy / Ooh, la la la la! / A little brandy / Ooh, la la la la! / A bunch of roses / To show the way we entertain / And a little bottle of champagne.

Count Alfred Renard: I can't see how anybody could be so anxious to leave this beautiful Paris.

Jacques: But, Monsieur, I am a Frenchman. And to be a Frenchman in Paris is nothing; because everyone in Paris is a Frenchman.

Jacques: Do you know the story of the Frenchman and the farmer's daughter?

Lulu: I know it.

Jacques: I am the Frenchman.

Lulu: You are not.

Jacques: How do you know?

Lulu: I am the farmer's daughter.

Lulu: They've opened the window! What does it mean?

Jacques: The Queen is warm.

Lulu: The champagne.

Jacques: No, it's him!

Jacques: Oh, it's s'wonderful being common!

Jacques: [singing] Squeeze me once. Squeeze me twice. It's most improper but oh it's nice! Let's be common and do it again!

Lulu: She is in her room and he is in his.

Jacques: Yes, sad, isn't it.

Lulu: When we get married, let's be common and only have one room between us.

Jacques: Why even one room between us?

Roland T. Flakfizer: And that spells cash with a capital...

Jacques: K!

Roland T. Flakfizer: You should go back to school.

Jacques: I hated teaching.

Jacques: Are you Roland T. Flakfizer?

Flakfizer: That all depends. Do I owe you money?

Jacques: No.

Flakfizer: In a drunken stupor, did I promise to marry you?

Jacques: No.

Flakfizer: Then I'm your man!

Jacques: What about me?

Roland T. Flakfizer: To show you no fairness, Rocco and I will also split your salary 50/50.

Jacques: Thanks!

Roland T. Flakfizer: That should you keep you out of a high income bracket. Come to think of it, that you should keep you out of any income bracket.

Jacques: Society's to blame.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Too much violence in the movies.

Rocco Melonchek: It's my environment.

Jacques: We were carrying out orders!

Roland T. Flakfizer: It's the Japanese. They're buying up everything.

Rocco Melonchek: Did we leave anything out?

Roland T. Flakfizer: You can be my chauffeur.

Rocco Melonchek: How much?

Roland T. Flakfizer: 200 bucks a week.

Rocco Melonchek: 600.

Roland T. Flakfizer: 300.

Jacques: 400.

Rocco Melonchek: 800.

Jacques: 900.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Shouldn't I be in this negotiation somewhere? 350 and not a penny more.

Rocco Melonchek: I'll take it.

Jacques: What happened to one thousand?

Rocco Melonchek: I allow for taxes. I want four weeks in advance.

Jacques: Five weeks.

Rocco Melonchek: Six weeks.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Hold it, hold it, I'm giving you one minute to stop all this!

Rocco Melonchek: Two minutes.

Jacques: Five minutes.

Rocco Melonchek: Seven minutes.

Jacques: Nine minutes.

Roland T. Flakfizer: I've stepped into my own private living hell...

Jacques: [watching April while instructing Lucas in the art of bar-tendering] You should be taking notes here, Lucas. You need to be more of a bitch yourself, you're too nice. You see, we're not here to save people, we're here to destroy them.

Jacques: The closest I've come to sexual activity is brushing my teeth.

Jacques: You're doin' all right, Lucas, but you still got a lot to learn. We gotta work on your attitude. I mean, you're not a natural when it comes to hostility and arrogance but, given time, it'll come.

Doctor Lipinski: So, how are you feeling these days?

Jacques: Doubt. Fear. Pain. Anxiety. Distraction. Nervousness. Horror, fright, panic, dread, terror. Trepidation. I feel like a goddamn thesaurus.

Jacques: This is a bar, and by definition the capacity of a bar cannot exceed 13 people. Think Jesus and his apostles.

Lucas: A bar is no place for a woman. You were right on that one.

Jacques: April was more of a man than most of the sissies that hang around here.

Jacques: I don't really feel like eating an animal tonight. Can't you prepare something without a face? Like an octopus or something?

Jacques: Women can seem cute and charming on the surface, but underneath they're the same universal bitch.

Jacques: It's amazing how broccoli always makes you fart. In a way, broccoli is the embodiment of fart. If you could capture a piece of fart, materialize it, I imagine it would look pretty much like this. The incarnation of fart.

Jacques: God-damn, you're like a piece of shit that just won't flush. Now get the fuck out of here before I get rude.

Nurse Nora: Oh, Jacques, not again. Why can't you just die?

Jacques: Good to see you, too, Olivia.

Jacques: What blood type are you?

Ben: O.

Jacques: O's good. No threat in O.

Ben: Well, what blood type are you?

Jacques: Fuckin' A.

Yngve Johansson: Ask him where he's from.

MÃ¥rten: [in English] Where do you come from?

Jacques: [in English] From Malmö, I played there for two months.

Mårten: He says he's from Malmö...

Rosa: I never was a happy person.

Jacques: You seem very happy to me.

Rosa: That's because I have you.

Jacques: I am not a religious person.But I do believe in dreams.

Helena: Who was that girl in the church?

Jacques: Just some girl I've met.She was nice.

Helena: I saw you how you looked her.And it wasn't just a ordinary look.

Louis: What? Uh, you're gonna take a flamethrower for a rat?

Jacques: No, obesity-breath. This is no ordinary flamethrower. See, I modified this baby myself. I just find the rat, aim, and... kazoom.

Jacques: Lemme tell ya, I've seen an awful lot of rats in my time. Some big, some very, very small. But that was the Loch Ness Monster of rats.

[the two exterminators arrive]

Louis: I can't believe they called us in to find one stupid rat. How the hell are we supposed to find one rat?

[turns on TV]

Jacques: What are you doing?

Louis: I'm watchin' the game. Hey, I mean, we already caught the rat anyway. Huh? Huh?

Jacques: You see that's exactly what's wrong with this country. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore.

[holds up flamethrower]

Jacques: I do. I'm a professional.

Louis: [not paying attention] What'd you say?

Jacques: Nothin', nevermind.

Jacques: Now, tell me, the whole romantic story. How was it?

Annette Marquand: What story?

Jacques: Well, your meeting Max. How he rescued you.

Annette Marquand: Oh

[pauses as she makes up a story]

Annette Marquand: . Accident.

Jacques: Yes, yes, I know. But how?

Annette Marquand: Well, in the train.

Jacques: Huh?

Annette Marquand: I mean, in the car.

Jacques: Hah! But you said the train.

Annette Marquand: Well, you see, there was a train standing by.

Jacques: Why?

Annette Marquand: Well, trains do.

Marthe: What's the matter?

Jacques: I love you. That's the matter.

Jacques: There's no such thing as love, only proofs of love.

Angele: When you smile I find you handsome.

Jacques: That's because you know my soul.

Jacques: Let me tell you something: Never marry a woman your age. Always marry a woman much younger than you.

Jacques: Consider this: How old are you?

Pierre: Thirty-eight.

Jacques: And Agnès?

Pierre: Eighteen.

Jacques: And you in ten years?

Pierre: Forty-eight.

Jacques: And Agnès?

Pierre: Twenty-eight.

Jacques: Are you sure you won't find her a bit too old for you then?

Jacques: And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe, and then from hour to hour, we rot and rot; and thereby hangs a tale.

Jacques: All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts...