Norah Jones Quotes in Ted (2012)

[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]

Ted: Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!

Norah Jones: Teddy!

Ted: Hahaha! How are you?

Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?

Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.

Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.

Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.

John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.

Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty.

[wipes hand on her dress]

Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?

John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.

Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.

Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.

Ted: [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.

Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.

Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

Norah Jones: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

Lori: Oh... my God.

Rex: Holy... shit.

[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

Ted: I gotta fuck her again.

John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

John: [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.

John: [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /

[raises voice]

John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...

Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

Angry fan: You're an asshole!

[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

Norah Jones: Oh Jesus!

[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]