Mother Superior Quotes in Saving Silverman (2001)

[after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D]

Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one!

Nun: Son of a bitch.

Camero: [Caught in the confessional performing oral sex on another nun] God fucking dammit...

Mother Superior: Sister Prudence Bangtail. Well, this is the last straw!

Camero: Save it, Crusty, I'm vapor. This place bites anyway.

Mother Superior: Oh Rusty, you are an inspiration to us all!

Pee-wee: I'll say! I'm going to start a paper route right now.

Count Emilio Ponticelli: It is a pity that the race will now be won by a Protestant.

Mother Superior: A Protestant? Sisters, don't stand there gazing. This good Catholic needs our help!

Mother Superior: Well, Doctor?

Dr. St. Cyr: Well, in addition to the large tumor on the knee, she has tuberculosis of the bone. She has never complained of pain?

Mother Superior: No. Sister?

Sister Marie Therese Verzous: [stunned by the news] She never mentioned it.

Dr. St. Cyr: I can't understand it. She's had this affliction for a long time, and the constant pain and suffering associated with this disease is almost too horrible to describe.

Sister Marie Therese Verzous: [Sister Marie Therese looks as if she had been struck a violent blow and walks off as if under a trance]

Mother Superior: Go with God, Crispy.

Mother Superior: You are the perfect example of a how a sow's ear can be turned into a silk purse.

Sister Mary Clarence: Hmm. Well, I probably wouldn't put it quite like that.

Mother Superior: We are desperate women.

Sister Mary Clarence: Hmm mmm.

Mother Superior: God help us.

Mother Superior: Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them. Because they're pure of heart.

Sister Mary-Mengele: And dim of wit.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Young Moe: [looking into Mary-Mengele's mouth] Huh, I haven't seen a case like this in years.

Young Curly: And would you look at all that metal in her mouth?

Young Larry: Must be too much iron in the water.

Young Moe: Don't you worry, Sis, you're in good hands. We'll have that bum tooth out in no time.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [moans] No.

Young Moe: Anesthetic.

Young Larry: Anesthetic!

Young Curly: Anesthetic!

Young Moe: [Curly picks up a croquet mallet] 15 millgrams. Give!

Young Curly: Five, ten, fifteen! Nyuk, nyuk.

Mother Superior: [Curly hits Mary-Mengele on the head with the croquet mallet, she goes unconscious; Mother Superior knocks on the door] Boys?

Young Moe, Young Curly, Young Larry: Nyuh-uh-uh!

Mother Superior: Open up, please.

Young Moe: It's the head penguin, boxcar seven on three. Break; one, two, three.

Mother Superior: [the Stooges flip the rotating table, revealing a dinner table underneath] I said, open this door!

Mother Superior: [Mother Superior opens Mary-Mengele's office door; Larry plays the violin off-key, Curlypaints a picture, Moe reads a book] What are you three up to?

Young Larry: Just dabbling in the arts.

Young Curly: Indubitably.

Mother Superior: Oh. Well, lunch is ready.

Young Moe, Young Curly, Young Larry: Oh boy, eats! Woo-woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

[Moe, Larry and Curly run down to the dining hall]

Mother Superior: [sees the Stooges beating up Monsignor Ratliffe and chases them away] Get off of him! Off, off! Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry! What are you doing?

Larry: We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns!

Mother Superior: This is no lounge lizard! He's here on official business.

Curly: Official business? Why didn't you say so?

Larry: [the Stooges take off their work uniforms, with boxer shorts, white shirts and bowties underneath; they clap and snap their fingers in rhythm] Pick me, I'll clip your hedges!

Moe: I'll hedge your clippers.

Curly: I'll fetch your slippers.

Moe: I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures!

Monsignor Ratliffe: You idiots!

[Msgr. Ratliffe slaps all three of them at once]

Monsignor Ratliffe: I'm not here to adopt!

Mother Superior: This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.

Moe: Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.

Larry: [Larry and Curly enter the orphanage] Hello?

Curly: Anybody home?

[a TV commercial voice can be heard: "Hi, I'm Al Cerrone. Four-wheel drive SUVs just like this, with a gas saving, six-cylinder engine, only $19,995; and pickups, automatic and air, only $16,000. My promise is you'll be..."]

Larry: Sister Ricarda.

Sister Ricarda: Boys, what are you doing here?

Curly: We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?

Sister Ricarda: Yeah, I - I see him almost every night on TV. He's on that Jersey... beach people show.

Sister Ricarda: [Larry and Curly look at each other with surprise] You didn't know? Moe's a big celebrity now.

Curly: Oh... good for him.

Larry: Yeah... looks like he didn't need us after all... So, what happened here? Where are all the kids?

Sister Ricarda: Well, they're closing us down on Monday, so... we had to start moving everyone out.

Larry: But we told you to wait! We were gonna get the money!

Sister Ricarda: You got the money?

Curly: We got the money?

Larry: Well... no... but we're working on it.

Curly, Sister Ricarda: Oh. Oh.

Peezer: Well, at least you tried.

Larry, Curly: Peez!

[Larry and Curly chuckle, Larry gives Peezer a high five]

Larry: Thank God you're still here!

Peezer: They tried to shoo me out, but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.

Curly: Without who?

[Larry, Curly, and Peezer go into the next room where Mother Superior is praying at Murph's bedside]

Curly: Murph?

Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mary-Mengele interrupts Mother Superior] I'll tell you why... Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Young Moe: [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry: [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [spoken] Hello!

Mrs. Harter: [Mrs. Harter giggles; the young Stooges accidentally bump their heads together] How precious!

Sister Rosemary: Yes, I certainly don't envy you having to choose between such amazing children.

Young Larry: The choice is easy! I'm your guy!

[Larry starts tap dancing]

Mrs. Harter: That is so cute!

Mr. Harter: Absolutely adorable.

Mr. Harter: [to Mother Superior] How long's he got?

Mother Superior: Hmm?

Mr. Harter: He's taking chemo, right?

Mother Superior: No no no, he's healthy as a mule.

Sister Rosemary: And almost as smart.

Young Moe: Recede, Bojangles.

[Moe pulls Larry back by his hair]

Young Moe: Pick me, I make the best potato peel and eggshell smoothies in town.

[Mr. Harter chuckles nervously]

Young Curly: If you choose me, I'll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy! I even taught him a few tricks!

Mother Superior: Oh, boys and their rodents.

[Mother Superior chuckles]

Young Teddy: [Teddy enters the room] Mother Superior, may I have a glass of milk, please?

Mrs. Harter: Oh, who's this?

Young Teddy: Hi, my name's Teddy, and someday, I'm gonna have a puppy.

Mrs. Harter: Oh my God, he's wonderful.

Mr. Harter: I thought you said there were only the three.

Sister Rosemary: I never said that, I said "about three".

Mrs. Harter: I hope you'll forgive us for coming early; we just couldn't stand to wait another day.

Mother Superior: Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter. This is a great surprise. We have three delightful youngsters for you to meet.

Mr. Harter: Three? 'Cause we were under the impression there were more than that.

Sister Rosemary: Nope, that's it, just the three. Children, get on in here, Mr. and Mrs. Harter don't have all day.

Young Moe: [Moe musically chants barbershop-quartet style] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry: [Larry joins Moe in chanting] Hello,

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [Curly joins Larry and Moe as they chant together] Hello.

Young Moe, Young Larry, Young Curly: [spoken] Hello!

Terrified Nun: It's not my turn, get somebody else.

Mother Superior: Sister Ricarda, how about you? Will you please go tell the boys to come down for lunch?

Sister Ricarda: Uh, I would, Mother Superior, I swear I would, but the doctor told me to steer clear of them for a couple of weeks. on account of my nerves.

Mother Superior: How about you, Sister Rosemary?

Sister Rosemary: Oh yeah, just like the army? Put the black folks on the front line? Uh-uh. What about Sister Mary-Mengele? She knows how to handle them.

Mother Superior: Oh, poor thing, she has a toothache, so she went to lie down.

Sister Rosemary: You mean she's asleep? Where are the boys?

Curly: [Curly, Larry, and Peezer enter a room, where Murph is on a sick bed, and Mother Superior is praying at her bedside] Murph?

Mother Superior: I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.

Larry: Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior: [Peezer hops on Murph's bed] Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele: I'll tell you why: because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry: Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Curly: Yeah.

Sister Mary-Mengele: Okay, that's it. I've had it with you! Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance? It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years, there's not a company on this earth who'll cover us until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims, and that's why we're being closed down!

Mother Superior: That's enough, Sister.

Curly: Wait, wh - You mean the orphanage is closing... because of us?

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Mother Superior nods sadly] Check it out: Larry, Curly, you're responsible for that!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [Larry and Curly look at Murph lying on her sickbed, with Peezer at her side] You are, and that other moron!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [a beep is heard, Larry and Curly think it's a flatline monitor] Oh, sorry, excuse me.

Sister Mary-Mengele: [the beep is revealed to be Mary-Mengele's cell phone, which she answers] Yes? No, no, I want it with custard, not whipped cream. I ordered an éclair, not a Twinkie!

Mother Superior: Boys, where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere.

Moe: Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve to come back and tell you... we failed.

Mother Superior: Oh, you didn't fail. Look at our new home.

Moe: [surprisedly] New home? Who paid for all this?

Peezer: You did!

Moe: Huh?

Moe's Hip Executive: The kid's right. The money's coming out of your pocket.

Moe: Sorry slick, but we don't have that kind of dough!

Moe's Hip Executive: Oh, you will. See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off the orphanage's debts and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance. All you got to do is sign right here, boys, and you three will be the stars of our next big reality show: "Nuns vs. Nitwits". What do you say?

Moe: Oh, gee!

Curly: I always wanted to be a nun! Mmm...

Mother Superior: Oh, and by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.

Teddy: [Teddy walks in with Ling] Hey everybody!

Moe: Oh, hey Teddy!

Larry: Hi, Teddy!

Mother Superior: Gather round, everyone! I have an announcement to make. Teddy and his fianceé, Ling, have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren, so they have decided to adopt!

Moe, Curly, Larry: [the Stooges tear off their suits, with shorts, white shirts, and bowties underneath; they snap their fingers in rhythm] Hoi! Hoi! Hoi, hoi, hoi, hoi!

Moe: Spread out, pick me! I promise I'll go this time without any fuss!

Mother Superior: Oh, I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.

Teddy: [approaches Murph and Peezer] So how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?

Murph: Are you serious, dude? Me? And you're not even getting paid?

[Murph looks over at a sad Peezer]

Murph: Oh... I'm sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all, but... I think you better pick someone else.

Peezer: It's okay, Murph... you should go. This is your big break.

Murph: [Murph hugs Peezer] Not a chance, kid, not without you.

Teddy: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.

Murph: What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.

Teddy: Well, yeah, of course, but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.

Weezer: [Sister Rosemary and Weezer appear] Peezer!

Peezer: Weezer!

[the Stooges and orphans laugh joyfully, followed by the orphans screaming "Yay!"]

Mother Superior: Pack your bags, you three, it's time to go home. Three cheers for the boys. Hip-hip, hooray!

[the orphans join in the cheer]

Sister Mary-Mengele: [mutters to herself] Oh, please.

Mother Superior: [with the orphans] Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!

Moe: Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once!

Curly: Oh, you said it, mm-hmm.

[Curly leans on the diving board with Sister Mary-Mengele standing underneath it; it hits her on the head and knocks her into the pool]

Curly: Ooh-hoo, oh, oh, oh!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah!

Sister Mary-Mengele: [gasping] I'm going to mash your heads, like potatoes!

Moe, Curly, Larry: Nyah-aah-aah, nyah-aah-aah!

[the Stooges run away, jumping on three trampolines near the hedge, each landing on a horse and riding away]

Curly: Woo-woo, woo-woo-woo-woo!

Mr. Peabody: Maybe all Junior needs is to be loved.

Mother Superior: Let's cut the crap, Mr. Peabody. Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.

Mother Superior: You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible.

Junior: I'm what? Why don't you speak English lady?

[Junior is scrubbing pots and pans on his birthday]

Mother Superior: Junior! What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.

Junior: I only got two hands!

Mother Superior: And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them.

Junior: [Grabs a messy lid] This one kind of looks like you.

Mother Superior: Rachel? Well, Rachel has a home and parents who love her. She's a follower, not a leader. She can be guided. But, Mary... oh, Mary has a will of iron. To bend but not to break... to yield but not capitulate... to have pride but also humility. This has always been my struggle, Sister. Can I be less tolerant of Mary than the Church has been of me?

Rachel Devery: Couldn't we have uniforms, too, Reverend Mother?

Mother Superior: Most certainly not. The band will perform in their gym suits.

Rachel Devery: Our gym suits?

Mother Superior: Yes.

Mary Clancy: But, they're awful! I mean, it's not as if they were like Sacred Heart's. At Sacred Heart they wear short-shorts for gym.

Mother Superior: They're French.

Mother Superior: This is a Catholic school Mr. Gottschalk!

Mr. Gottschalk: Band uniforms are non-sectarian.

[last lines]

Mary Clancy: Who knows, Reverend Mother, Maybe someday Rachel will come back and join the order.

Mother Superior: If she does, I quit!

Mother Superior: Evidently, Sister Ursula's German accent amuses you.

Mary Clancy: I didn't know she was German, Reverend Mother.

Mother Superior: Then surely you didn't know that during the war, Sister Ursula kept 34 Jewish children hidden for more than two years in the cellar of a destroyed convent outside of Munich. And that when this was finally discovered she was imprisoned. She suffered untold indignities, and she... she...

[choking up, then turning away]

Mary Clancy: Are we dismissed, Reverend Mother?

Mother Superior: [quietly] Yes.

Mother Superior: [to Mary] One of us may have to go. But I guarantee you, it won't be me!

Mother Superior: As for the social graces, I'm convinced that your school encourages barbarism and concerns itself only with free thinking, free wheeling and finger-painting.

Mr. Petrie: The finest educational minds in the country happen to be on our side!

Mother Superior: God is on ours!

Mary Clancy: [looking at the dress] Oh! It looks beautiful!

Mother Superior: [as she is taking the dress off of the dummy] It is nice, isn't it? I used to do a great deal a great deal of sewing when I was a girl. I'd always blessed my mother for insisting that I learn to how to handle a needle. When my parents died, I was sixteen then. My uncle, who'd lived in Paris...

Mary Clancy: Paris?

Mother Superior: Paris was my mother's home before she'd immigrated to Quebec and married my father. I'd lost my parents within three months of each other. The flu epidemic. Well, I went to live in Paris. My uncle arranged for my apprenticeship with a well known couterier. Of course, I was only a seamstress, but I had visions of creating my own designs and the house of Madeline Rousch challenging the great Channel. That was my name, Madeline Rousch. I remember standing behind the curtains with the fitters when the collections were shown. The buyers came from all over the world. Many times as I watched the models display the gowns, I'd think "Now I would have done that one differently. Used a different fabric. Something that had more movement, more mystery." Aw, I know it is vanity, of course but I think I could have made a success of it.

Mary Clancy: But how could you give it up?

Mother Superior: I found something better.

Mother Superior: Well, it is the point, not the vernacular, that is important.

Mother Superior: Sister LIguori is my assistant and teaches mathematics. You'll find her methods newer than new.

Mr. Petrie: The finest educated minds in the country happen to be on our side.

Mother Superior: God is on ours.

Mother Superior: Will you please, in the future, remember that St. Francis is not a training school for counter spies.

Mother Superior: Don't be ridiculous Sister. You can't handle that monster.

Rosabelle: Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make that dough around this place.

Mother Superior: [surprising Rosabelle] And it's going to get even harder. As of now, St. Francis-A-Go-Go is out of business.

Father Chase: Have a pleasant trip. I'll pray for you.

Mother Superior: And I'll pray for you.

[under her breath]

Mother Superior: Somebody better.

Mother Superior: Doesn't anyone live in New Mexico?

Rosabelle: You mean we're supposed to wash the whole bus, Reverend Mother?

Mother Superior: From bumper to bumper.

Marvel Ann Clancy: But it's such a *big* bus, Reverend Mother.

Mother Superior: Yes... isn't it!

Sister Clarissa: Twelve dollars and forty cents! My old bus wouldn't use that much gas in a month!

Mother Superior: It couldn't. It was usually in the shop, being repaired.

Father Chase: Sister's a real firebrand, isn't she, Mother?

Mother Superior: Let's hope she doesn't intend to burn down the Church.

Sister George: No, just... warm it up a bit.

Mother Superior: [after breaking up a dance party in the bathroom] As you're all such music lovers, I'm sure you'll be delighted to know that you're going to spend the next two weekends cleaning out the music room.

[nods at a girl who fainted]

Mother Superior: Get Devon off the floor.

Mother Superior: I think we should get started. Round up the girls, Sister.

Sister Rose-Marie: Where are they, Mother?

Mother Superior: Wherever Sister George is.

Sister Celestine: Considering the amount of time the girls spend with us, I'm really not sure why we came along, Mother.

Mother Superior: We were blackmailed.

Mother Superior: [to Sister George] Ah, Sister. If you were planning to be charitable to me... don't. It would be out of character.

Sister George: Mother, did sister Clarissa tell you about the bus?

Mother Superior: What about the bus?

Sister George: The springs are shot, the radiator leaks, the clutch slips, the block's cracked, and we need new tires. The bus will never make it 'cross country.

Sister Clarissa: It certainly will! Chuck down at the service station says there's still plenty of life in the old girl.

Sister George: Chuck at the service station doesn't know his... gasket... from a casket! The only thing holding that old jalopy together is prayer!

Sister Clarissa: What's wrong with prayer?

Sister George: Well, nothing, Sister. Every time I get into that old heap i pray to God... for a NEW BUS!

[first lines]

Sister George: [carrying a sign, returning from a protest] Not a single arrest today, Mother!

Mother Superior: [sarcastically] Don't get discouraged, I'm sure you'll do better next time.

Mother Superior: I can't tell you how grateful we are for the new bus, Mr. Clancy. It's very generous of you.

Mr. Clancy: It's my pleasure, reverend mother... and after all, it is a tax deduction.

Mother Superior: Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderful how our tax structure brings out the best in people?

Mr. Clancy: That's very good, reverend mother.

Mother Superior: [while comforting Rose after Pinkie's death] You or I cannot fathom the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God.

Mother Superior: When love and duty are one, grace is within you.

Mother Superior: Why are you carrying this weapon, Sister Franks?

Sister Franks: Protection, Mother Superior.

Mother Superior: Protection, against what?

Sister Franks: Violence.

Mother Superior: They thought they could do it without being caught. But when we do something naughty, we are always caught. Then, we are punished. Punishment is absolute, punishment is good.

Billy Chapman: Yes, Mother Superior.

Mother Superior: You left your room, William.

Billy Chapman: Yes, Mother Superior.

Mother Superior: Very, very naughty!

Mother Superior: Richard, are you there? You come and face me! Richard, I am not afraid of you. You are weak, just like your brother. And like your brother, you must be punished!

[Ricky enters. Mother Superior brandishes a knife]

Ricky Caldwell: You're looking well.

Mother Superior: I am your Mother Superior, and I raised you from a child! I order you to put that weapon down and take your punishment!

Ricky Caldwell: No more punishment.

Mother Superior: You are being very, very naughty!

Ricky Caldwell: Naughty this!

[swings his axe at Mother Superior]

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar: Reverend Mother, just... just what are you actually going to say to the Holy Father?

Mother Superior: I'm going to ask his Holiness what to do about the men and women who have all the answers and believe in God but are not official Christians.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar: Well, in you practical way, I... I hope you are going to get his Holiness to "talk turkey."

Mother Superior: Oh, we'll "talk turkey" all night.

Mother Superior: [Referring to a previous conversation about religion and its inefficacy in wartime] Like that ladder...

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar: The ladder?

Mother Superior: There is the ladder, there is the ceiling and there is the paint. If you want the ceiling painted, someone must climb the ladder.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar: Yes, you, um, need a painter.

Mother Superior: But suppose the painter remains at the foot of the ladder? You cannot say that the ladder has failed you, or the paint has failed you, or the ceiling has failed you.

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar: No, no you can't.

Mother Superior: I know about you more than you know about yourself. You want the ceiling painted but... all the cruelty in the world, all the horror and tragedy you see, these you do not oppose with your own courage. You do not try to replace them with your own high hopes for the world and the human race. You complain that God has failed you. No, my friend. God has not failed man- man has failed God. For every man knows what God wants him to do.

Major John 'Twingo' McPhimister: Reverend Mother, you're well... you're a trump!

Mother Superior: Colonel Nicobar, you are a tramp!

Col. Michael S. 'Hooky' Nicobar: A tramp?

Mother Superior: Oh, a trump.