Darren Quotes in Saving Silverman (2001)

[Darren has refused to stop seeing his friends or quit the band]

Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!

Darren: What?

Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!

[Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]

Judith: Don't *make me* take away your masturbation privileges!

Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.

Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.

Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.

Darren: I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.

Darren: Hi, I'm Darren.

[Judith looks confused and unimpressed]

Darren: Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.

Judith: He lied.

Darren: Haha, that's a good one.

Judith: No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.

J.D.: Maybe she's a herm.

Darren: A what?

J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.

Darren: You're a lot stronger then you were in high school.

Sandy: Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.

Darren: I love you too, Judith.

Sandy: Judith?

Wayne: [when Darren is mourning] You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word.

Darren: I didn't even talk to her.

Wayne: O.K. I gave her your word.

Darren: Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy?

Wayne: When you go out with Sandy.

Barry: [as the food prepared to fire the drugged toothpicks] Make it rain.

[the food shoot the toothpicks at all the people in the store]

Darren: Ow! What the fuck? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this fucking toothpick at me, man?

Douche: [sees Frank] Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?

Frank: No, I'm coming at you!

[prepares to punch him. But, Darren tries to grabs Frank]

Douche: Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.

Darren: Well, it's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!

Douche: Look, sausage... I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me!

[to Mustard, Ketchup and Relish]

Douche: Yeah, that's right, shut your mouths.

[to Frank, cackling]

Douche: I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a God's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!

[takes the bite of his torso, Frank screaming in pain]

Brenda: [gasps, shocked] Oh, my God! FRANK!

Douche: I'll tell you who eat shit; Gods do, bro... I'M A FUCKING GOD!

Darren: Good-bye, little sausage.

[prepares to kill Frank]

Darren: Fuck you, weenies.

[throws a package of screaming sausages into the garbage can]

Darren: [sighs] Fuck, I hate this fucking job!

Douche: [while being rocketed across the floor, panics] What's happening out there?

Barry: NOW!

[the food builds a U-turn on Darren and Douche]

Coconut Milk: [flips the bird] SO LONG, ASSHOLE!

[Lavash and Sammy holding a match, lights a tanks on fire and the tanks speed]

Douche, Darren: NO!

[the tanks shoot up to the sky killing both Darren and Douche]

Barry: It's over. We won. WE FUCKING WON!

Darren: Wait, Snap out of it, man! Slap it! Slap yourself in the face, man! Oh, man! You lost your mind? Is this even? No, wait! This isn't real! Now, this can't be real!

Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.

[Darren reacts, points to douche with a gun]

Darren: [gasps in horror] A talking douche?

Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?

Darren: No, no, no! This is too much, this is too much! Too much! Breathe, man!

Douche: We both want the same thing... Like, I'm feeling honestly the two of us could like collaborate together. Like a mash up, bro.

Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand! What's happening?

Douche: You don't need to understand.

[getting inside of his crotch]

Douche: You just need to relax and open wide.

Darren: Wait, what are you doing?

[He got inside of his crotch, groaning]

Douche: Oh, yeah!

Darren: Dude, that went up my ass!

Camille Toh: Hi, I am... Sorry. I accidentally drop a few things back there. Except for that douche, I don't know who's that is.

Darren: Clean up on Aisle 2, this MILF dropped a douche.

Camille Toh: Ah, MILF! Thank you so much.

[Talking to Jason]

Darren: Peace out little 'G'

[Driving away]

Darren: Boo ya!

Kennedy: So, where do we find this... body?

Darren: Uh, well, according to the surprisingly detailed map, it is approximately adjacent to... the big ass rock.

Doug: So what's the rock for?

Darren: Hiding a dead president, apparently.

Brick Top: [Into cell phone] Pete, talk to me.

Darren: [Into cell phone] If ya want yer friend to hear ya, you'll have to talk a lot louder than that.

Darren: What does "happy-sad" even mean? How can we be both things? It makes no sense.

Conor: It means that I'm stuck in this shithole full of morons and rapists and bullies, and I'm gonna deal with it, okay? It's just how life is. I'm gonna try and accept it and get on with it, and make some art.

Eamon: So how does that affect our music?

Conor: Positively.

Conor: What about "La Vie"?

Darren: What's that mean?

Conor: It's French for "The Life."

Garry: What's French for, uh, "That's not gonna be the name of the band"?

Conor: "Ce n'est pas le nom du groupe."

Garry: There you go.

Eamon: We could rehearse here 'cause my da's in Saint John of Gods.

Darren: Is that a pub?

Eamon: No, Darren. It's a place where alcoholics go to get off the drink, and stop beating their wives and kids.

Darren: Right.

Eamon: And neighbors.

Eamon: So how do you mean you're "happy-sad"?

Darren: Yeah, how're we supposed to market that?

Conor: It means we're not pop anymore.

Eamon: We were pop? Listen, I'm happy being anything. I just want to play music.

Conor: That's fine. Be who you are, Eamon.

Eamon: Well, I don't know who I am. Maybe I'm happy-sad, too. I don't know.

Ali G: Crack cocaine iz destroyin' our community, so when a bruva makes it through, he deserves our respect. So, let's big it up for me main man Darren, who has been off da crack now for eight years!

Darren: Eight years and three quarters.

Ali G: Whateva!

Darren: [Gord is working on his skate ramp in the middle of the night, hammering nails loudly] Gord, don't hammer them so loud! Jeez, it's late, you're gonna wake your parents up.

Gord: You're right, I should probably use the electric nail gun.

Darren: Well, yeah.

Jim: [Gord uses the nail gun, making even more loud noise. Jim wakes up] Oh, boys, will you faggots stop making so fucking much noise? We're trying to sleep!

Jim: [Gord contimues to use the nail gun] Goddammit!

[shouts]

Jim: Stop the fucking hammering!

Mr. Malloy: Hey, I got a kid sleeping over here!

Andy Malloy: Hey, Gord, can I play on your ramp tomorrow?

Gord: Sure, Andy, anytime!

Jim: [shouts at the top of his lungs, and goes back inside the house]

Darren: Does your dad have, like, bowel problems?

[last lines]

James Trellick: What is the meaning of life?

Darren: [as Steven is about to answer] To drive your enemies before you and hear the lamentations of their women.

Darren: Looks like I got something you don't, Turkey!

The Killer Turkey: What's that Darren... a vagina?

Darren: Turkeyologists all over the world know it as... Thankskilling!

Darren: I'm gonna have sex with someone in this car. Yeah, for once, you know

[looking at his hand]

Darren: , it's not just gonna be by myself.

Billy: Let me guess, it's 505 years later, right?

Darren: No... but it will be in 45 minutes!

Ali: Come on! I mean, it's totally impossible for a turkey to kill a human, right?

Darren: [laughs] Oh... there are ways.

Darren: It was just a story, Kristen, I doubt it's even true.

Darren: Not just any beak. A turkey beak.

Darren: I has been a little while since... When was the last time that we...

Annie: Um...

Darren: After Riches... after Riches party?

Annie: I don't think we actually had sex then, I think we talked about having sex.

Darren: No, in the car ride home I thought you were like...

Annie: No, we talked about having sex, but then we came home and...

Darren: We got in and the toilet was... running.

Annie: We didn't do it then, but I was almost positive that we had sex after my parents left - after the holidays.

Darren: No, cuz remember your shoulder was messed up from helping them load the car?

Annie: That hurt.

Darren: So that takes us back... to... January.

Annie: December was so crazy, too.

Darren: Yeah, with shopping. Well we definitely did it on Halloween.

[last lines]

Darren: We hopefully never did anything, I just, it just feels so good to know how much you trust me.

Annie: I trust us, baby.

Darren: And I hope you now how much I trust you.

Annie: Thank you.

Darren: I love you so much.

Annie: I love you too.

Darren: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Guy Jamieson will now dance "The Bridal Waltz".

Darren: [describing Jeremy] Seething animal passions about to erupt through the pie crust of decorum.

Leo: Who is it?

Darren: I'm not sure, but his voice washed over me like a dark, powerful river.

Darren: Rub some compost in your face, straight boys love it.

Darren: All relationships end, either one of you leaves or one of you dies.

Leo: Why do I have to have such a complicated sex life?

Darren: It's because you give off complicated vibrations. Simplify your vibrations, your sex life simplifies itself.

Sally: [finds a blindfolded naked man cuffed to her bed] What the hell is this?

Darren: OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR GERALDINE, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE SEVENTEEN!

Sally: My name is not Geraldine and it's not my birthday

Darren: Isn't it? This is 25 Shelldrake Avenue?

Sally: No this is 23 Shelldrake Avenue

Darren: Oh, how appallingly embarrassing of me, I'm an S&M-ogram, I must've gotten the wrong address

[embarrassed, under his breath]

Darren: oh no!

Sally: Wait... don't I know you?

Darren: God I hope not

[she unties blindfold, he recognizes her]

Darren: AHH!

Darren: What else do you want? He's gorgeous, he's charming and he made breakfast.

Leo: I mean the man is on the rebound, you know from women in general. I mean, he wants me because I'm not a woman.

Darren: It seems a very good reason to want someone.

Leo: But it's a negative reason, Darren. He wants me for what I'm not, not for what I am.

Darren: Any good in bed?

Leo: Yeah, yeah, he was, but...

Darren: [interrupting] Well then keep him.

Darren: Something terrible has happened and I need your support.

Angie: Not now Darren, I'm making lasagna.

Luce: I can't stand when gay guys do that. They act like fuckin' vaginas are some kind of toxic wasteland and the grossest thing ever.

Darren: They are.

Luce: Uh, first of all, you came out of one. Second of all, you stick your dick in place that shit comes out of. I can't think of anything worse.

Darren: [while listening to neighbors] He's lying. He didn't go to the movie.

Luce: How do you even know what fuckin' movie they're talking about?

Darren: I was there.

Luce: What'd you do, comb the theater? Do you have a part-time job as an usher?

Darren: One: a subtitled movie on a Wednesday night in Nashville doesn't exactly draw a crowd.

Luce: Okay, that's fair.

Darren: Two: I went to purposely bump into him.

Luce: What?

Darren: He's fucking lying!

Luce: Okay, he's lying! But do you realize that this says way more about you than it does about him?

Darren: That phone call proves everything.

Greg: All the phone call proves is that you were hiding under their bed!

[last lines]

Joe: Is there something we need to talk about?

Darren: No.

May: Oh, Darren. This cigarette's making my chest all congested. I can't breathe.

Darren: What would happen if you did breathe?

May: I'd say, would you... would it be too much trouble... spare rooms... would you come to the spare rooms with me... would you...

Darren: [of an older woman] We'll be like that one day. No one wanting us.

Darren: Did you look at Tower Records, cause they just re-released ABBA's greatest hits.

Evan Wantz: Darren, why do they call it a budget?

Darren: They call it a budget so you don't budge from it.

Ryan: I don't want to be in your dumb clubhouse anyway. I'm gonna build my own.

Darren: You do that.

Nick: Yeah you do that.

Darren: And take all your stupid girls with you!

Darren: Yeah, we don't want any stupid girls in our clubhouse.

Darren: Man I'm thirteen years old! Don't you think I know how to build a clubhouse?

Darren: We're going to scare him.

Lizabeth: We're going to scare him?

Darren: That's right just drive towards him. He'll move. Nobody wants to die.

Lizabeth: Well, that's a freakin' fact. Least of all us.

Darren: Will you just drive? He'll get out of our way.

[she drives up to Jason and stops and Jason doesn't move]

Lizabeth: Yeah. That really scared the shit out of him.

Darren: I say we stop the car, get out and start screaming for help.

[Lizbeth stops the car abruptly]

Darren: I was just kidding, Lizabeth.

Lizabeth: Darren, we better turn around.

Darren: Why?

Lizabeth: Because I've seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.

[reveals Jason standing in front of the car]

Paul: [Troy and Darren are watching the news on TV about rolling blackouts throughout the city] Speaking of, you guys pay the electric bill?

Darren: Well, Paul, you see there isn't... the issue here...

Troy: You know what - actually, we were thinking, like why should we pay for something we're not even gonna get, right?

Paul: You got fired again.

Troy: Yeah.

Darren: Damn Miles, something smells good.

Darren: You sold shrooms? How often?

Julia: Twice a fortnight.

Darren: Thirty is when you figure it out that you're never going to figure it out.