Merrill Quotes in Rat Race (2001)

[after Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail]

Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?

Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.

Merrill: We're not crazy, lady!

Vera Baker: We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel.

Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car.

Merrill: I think this is some kind of scam!

Vera Baker: Oh good, a scam! We'll do it!

[Talking about Sinclair and his idea for them competing in the "race"]

Merrill: It's some sort of joke. It has to be.

Duane Cody: What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?

Owen Templeton: Maybe it's a publicity stunt.

Randy Pear: What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.

Vera Baker: Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.

Randy Pear: A *secret* publicity stunt?

Enrico Pollini: Food. Look at all this food!

[gasps]

Enrico Pollini: Little Cock doggies!

Merrill: They're called cocktail weenies.

Enrico Pollini: Weenies! Ha! I'm so sorry. My English is not so good. But I'm learning!

Rental Car Trainee: We have a midsized Caprice.

Vera Baker: What color is it?

Merrill: It doesn't matter! We'll take it.

Graham Hess: Lionel Prichard and the Wolfington brothers are back.

Merrill: It's time for an ass-whupping.

Graham Hess: This is not an intelligent way to approach this. Lee is a friend of mine. This is his son.

Merrill: Yeah, we'll be doing Lee a favor. All right, listen, we both go outside, move around the house in opposite directions. We act crazy, insane with anger, make them crap in their pants, force them around till we meet up on the other side.

Graham Hess: Explain "act crazy".

Merrill: You know, curse and stuff.

Graham Hess: You want me to curse?

Merrill: You don't mean it. It's just for show. What?

Graham Hess: Well, it won't be convincing. It doesn't sound natural when I curse.

Merrill: Just make noises, then.

Graham Hess: Explain "noises".

Merrill: Are you gonna do this or what?

Graham Hess: No, I'm not.

Merrill: All right, you want them stealing something in the house next time?

[outside light comes on]

Merrill: On the count of three. One...

Graham Hess: All right.

Merrill: two... three!

Graham Hess: Ahh! I'm insane with anger!

Merrill: We're gonna beat your ass bitch! We're gonna tear your head off!

Graham Hess: I'm losing my mind! It's time for an ass-whupping!

[Merrill and Graham meet each other]

Graham Hess: I cursed.

Merrill: I heard.

[rustling on the roof]

Merrill: How did he get... Are you sure this is Lionel Prichard?

Merrill: One time, I was at this party... and I was sitting on the couch with Amanda McKinney. She was just sitting there, looking beautiful. So, I lean in to kiss her, and I realize I have gum in my mouth. So, I turn to spit it out and put it in a paper cup. I turn back, and Amanda McKinney throws up all over herself. I knew the moment it happened, it was a miracle. I could have been kissing her when she threw up. It would have scarred me for life. I may never have recovered.

Merrill: Morgan, this crop stuff is just about a bunch of nerds who never had a girlfriend their whole lives. They're like thirty now. They make up secret codes and analyze Greek mythology and make secret societies where other guys who never had girlfriends can join in. They do stupid crap like this to feel special. It's a scam. Nerds were doin' it twenty five years ago and new nerds are doing it again.

Graham Hess: Its just static, Morgan. Frequency.

[Weird noises come from the baby monitor]

Morgan: It's a code.

Bo: Why can't they get girlfriends?

Merrill: Move children! Vámanos!

Merrill: This is exactly what the nerds want...

Graham Hess: That's why he had asthma. It can't be luck. His lungs were closed. His lungs were closed. No poison got in. No poison got in. His lungs were closed. His lungs were closed.

[Merrill checks for a pulse]

Graham Hess: Don't touch him. Give him a minute.

[Merrill starts crying]

Merrill: Graham...

Graham Hess: Give him a second.

Bo: Daddy...

Graham Hess: Don't touch him.

Merrill: Graham...

Graham Hess: Don't... Don't.

Morgan: Dad? What happened? Did someone save me?

[Graham starts crying]

Graham Hess: Yeah, baby, I think someone did.

SFC Cunningham: You didn't used to play baseball did ya? Shit, I know you. You're Merrill Hess! I was there the day you hit that 507-footer over the left field wall, set the record. Man, that thing had a motor on it. It's still the record right?

Merrill: Got the bat at home on the wall.

SFC Cunningham: You've got two minor league home-run records, don't ya?

Merrill: Five.

SFC Cunningham: Why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women?

Lionel Prichard: 'Cause he has another record most people don't know about. He has the minor league strikeout record.

Merrill: Hello Lionel.

Lionel Prichard: Merrill's a class-A screw up. He would just swing that bat as hard as he could every time. Didn't matter what the coaches said, didn't matter who was on base. He would just whip that bat through the air as hard as he could. Looked like a lumberjack chopping down a tree. Merrill here has more strikeouts than any two players.

SFC Cunningham: You really got the strikeout record?

Merrill: Felt wrong not to swing.

[Morgan has an asthma attack]

Graham Hess: We don't have his medicine. Don't be afraid, Morgan. We'll slow this down together. Feel my chest. Feel it moving in and out. Breathe like me. Breathe like me. Come on.

Bo: I dreamed this.

Graham Hess: Stay with me. I know it hurts. Be strong baby. It'll pass. It'll pass.

[talking to God]

Graham Hess: Don't do this to me again. Not again. I hate you. I hate you! The fear is feeding him. Don't be afraid of what's happening. Believe it's going to pass. Believe it. Just wait. Don't be afraid. The air is coming. Believe. We don't have to be afraid. It's about to pass. Here it comes. Don't be afraid. Here comes the air. Don't be afraid, Morgan. Feel my chest. Breathe with me. Together. The air is going in our lungs. Together. We're the same. We're the same.

Merrill: We should save the flashlights.

Merrill: Move, children. Vamanos.

Merrill: Excluding the possibility that a female Scandinavian Olympian was running around outside our house last night, what else might be a possibility?

Officer Caroline: I'm not done asking questions. And I don't appreciate sarcasm.

[Graham wakes in the morning and finds Merrill watching television in the cupboard under the stairs]

Merrill: For the kids' protection. They were watching the TV from 5am on. I didn't want them getting obsessed, like you said. They should be outside, playing Furry Furry Rabbit or tea party or something.

Graham Hess: What's Furry Furry rabbit?

Merrill: It's a game, isn't it?

SFC Cunningham: I've got it figured. I've had two separate folk tell me that there have been strangers around. Can't tell what they look like, 'cause they're staying the shadows... covert-like. Nobody's been hurt yet, and that's the giveaway.

Merrill: I see.

SFC Cunningham: It's called "probing". It's a military procedure. You send in a reconnaissance group, very small... to check things out. Not to engage, but to evaluate the situation... evaluate the level of danger. Make sure things are all clear.

Merrill: Clear for what?

SFC Cunningham: For the rest of them.

Merrill: It's like War of the Worlds.

[Upon discovering there is no longer a signal on the baby monitor]

Merrill: Good enough for me.

Graham Hess: Me too.

Merrill: There are a lot of things I can take, and some things I can't. But what I can't take is when my older brother, who's everything that I want to be, starts losing faith in things. I saw that look in your eyes last night. I don't ever want to see that look in your eyes again.

Morgan: Maybe we should say a prayer.

Graham Hess: No.

Morgan: Why not?

Graham Hess: We're not saying a prayer.

Morgan: Bo has a bad feeling.

Bo: I had a dream.

Graham Hess: We aren't saying a prayer. Eat!

Morgan: I hate you.

Graham Hess: That's fine.

Morgan: You let Mom die.

Merrill: Morgan...

Graham Hess: I am not wasting one more minute of my life on prayer. Not one more minute. Understood?

[Bo starts crying]

Graham Hess: Now we are going to enjoy this meal. No one can stop us from enjoying this meal, so enjoy it! Stop crying!

Merrill: Graham...

Morgan: Don't yell at her!

Graham Hess: All right, since you're all not going to eat, I'm going to try some of everything.

[He angrily starts piling food on his plate, and tries to eat, then breaks down crying. He pulls Morgan, Bo, and Merrill in, and everyone hugs]

Merrill: Hey, you guys okay?

Morgan: Some guy had a sign saying it was the end of the world.

Merrill: Don't worry.

Morgan: You won't let anything happen to us, right?

Merrill: No way.

Morgan: I wish you were my dad.

Merrill: What did you say? Don't you ever say anything like that again. Ever!

Merrill: I'll make some sandwiches.

Bo: I want spaghetti.

Merrill: We'll just eat fast Bo.

Graham Hess: Spaghetti sounds great. What do you want Morgan?

Morgan: Anything. French toast... and mashed potatoes.

Graham Hess: Now we're talking. How about you, Merrill?

Merrill: Chicken teriyaki.

Graham Hess: Good choice. And I'm going to have a cheeseburger with bacon... extra bacon.

Merrill: The nerds were right.

Merrill: I'm a miracle man.

Officer Caroline: Merrill... how's work at the gas station?

Merrill: Stimulating.

Merrill: Everything has a weakness.

Morgan: [all four member of the Hess family are in front of the tv, watching the lights from alien spaceships hover in the night sky] There are lights in over 274 cities. They think it'll be 400 within the hour. They're appearing at or within one mile of crop signs.

Merrill: [referring to the crop circle in their corn field] They were for navigation. They made a map. They're going to be within a mile of us.

Morgan: Dad!

Graham Hess: Yes?

Morgan: [quoting his new library book about aliens] I think these are stages immediately preceding an attack maneuver. I was wrong. They're hostile.

Merrill: It's like War of the Worlds.

TV Anchor: Ground forces have been assembled in countries throughout the globe. Hundreds of thousands have flocked to synagogues, temples, and churches. God be with us all.

Graham Hess: [about how he and Merrill have been nailing boards over every opening in the house] I'm going to get back to the windows.

Merrill: [Graham leaves and uncle Merill kneels beside the children] You guys okay?

Morgan: Some guy had a sign saying it was the end of the world.

Merrill: Don't worry.

Morgan: You won't let anything happen to us, right?

Merrill: No way.

Morgan: I wish you were my dad.

Merrill: What did you say? Don't you ever say anything like that again. Ever!

[Graham covers the window with another board]

Graham Hess: We're going to board up every window in this house.

Merrill: How do you know boards will do anything?

Graham Hess: Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors.

Merrill: I'll make some sandwiches.

Bo: I want spaghetti.

Graham Hess: Spaghetti sounds great. What do you want, Morgan?

Morgan: Anything? French toast and mashed potatoes.

Graham Hess: Good choice. Merrill?

Merrill: Chicken Teriyaki.

Graham Hess: I'm gonna have a cheeseburger with bacon.

[smiles]

Graham Hess: Extra bacon.

Merrill: You'll lose the signal.