Nick Schaffer Quotes in Rat Race (2001)

[a hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill]

Nick Schaffer: What's this $110?

Hotel Clerk: Those are your in-room movies.

Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies.

Hotel Clerk: Okay, let's see... Afro Whores.

Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores?

Hotel Clerk: You watched it... let's see... uh, 11 times.

Nick Schaffer: No, no, no...

Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o'clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores.

Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.

Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir.

Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete.

Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it?

Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it!

Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters... "

Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it!

[hotel clerk raises her eyebrows]

Nick Schaffer: I didn't.

Mechanic: [after making some repairs on Tracey's truck] There, it's done, but I still do't think she's gonna hold.

Nick Schaffer: About how much we owe you?

Mechanic: [shrugs] 500 bucks.

Tracy Faucet: For what? For 2 quarts and sealant? No, that's 20 bucks, tops. Here's 40 dollars, that's double what it's worth.

[hands the mechanic 40 dollars and turns to leave]

Mechanic: [pulls a gun from, his belt] Hold it! Another little tool no mechanic should be without!

Nick Schaffer: Fine, here's your money...

[gives him the money]

Nick Schaffer: . But let me tell you something, Billy Ray. What goes around comes around.

Tracy Faucet: This is so un-... Christian!

Mechanic: Un-Christian? HA! Well, if the good Lord doesn't like the way I conduct business, let him say something! Let him gimme a sign.

[looks up and puts a hand to his ear]

Mechanic: Oh Lord, I'm here, and I'm listening! Helloooooo!

[Veera and her daughter drive past in the rocket car, and the mechanic's gas station collapses]

Nick Schaffer: My grandfather used to say that good things take time, but great things happen all at once.

[Tracy gives Nick a can of paint while she's throwing debris on her cheating boyfriend's car]

Tracy Faucet: C'mon, open it!

Nick Schaffer: You know, Tracy, I really don't feel comfortable...

Tracy Faucet: [yelling] OPEN IT!

Nick Schaffer: [nervously] Okay.

Tracy Faucet: So what's wrong with her?

Nick Schaffer: Who?

Tracy Faucet: Your sister. You said it was serious.

Nick Schaffer: Oh yeah... shark bite.

Tracy Faucet: Shark bite?

Nick Schaffer: Yeah.

Tracy Faucet: And they took her to Silver City?

Nick Schaffer: Yeah, they have a really good shark attack unit there.

Nick Schaffer: I think we just killed him!

Tracy Faucet: You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach!

[car crashes]

Nick Schaffer: I think we just killed him.

Tracy Faucet: You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach! Uh... uh oh...

Nick Schaffer: No, no, no! No uh-oh! Fix the uh-oh! Ah! Should we be this low?

[helicopter crashes]

Tracy Faucet: We just violated about 115 federal laws.

Nick Schaffer: WE?

Tracy Faucet: I'm getting out of here. Are you coming?

Nick Schaffer: No, no. I know things look bad but...

[Tracy kisses Nick]

Tracy Faucet: Nice meeting you!

[Walks over to truck]

Tracy Faucet: Get out of the truck, Shawn!

Shawn Kent: That's it, Tracy, you and I are through!

[Tracy punches Shawn]

Nick Schaffer: Tracy! Wait! Tracy!

[runs to truck and gets in]

Nick Schaffer: This is the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life.

Tracy Faucet: How does it feel?

Nick Schaffer: I'm shaking. But that could be from the helicopter crash.

Shawn Kent: Get out of my truck, Tracy!

Tracy Faucet: It's my truck, Shawn, I paid for it!

Shawn Kent: [looking at Nick] Who is this?

Nick Schaffer: Oh, I'm nobody.

Shawn Kent: Yeah, you are nobody.

Nick Schaffer: Yeah... nobody.

Shawn Kent: You stay away from her, nobody, unless you're tired of living!

Tracy Faucet: [to Shawn] I'll ram this helicopter down your throat!

Nick Schaffer: No! Woah! What are you doing?

Tracy Faucet: Don't worry about me, my father's a Navy pilot! I've been flying since I was 15!

Nick Schaffer: No, I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me!

[First Line]

Nick Schaffer: Hi. I'm checking out 14322.