Mark Quotes in Miami Connection (1987)

Mark: I didn't know you had a father. I thought we are all orphans.

John: So, Mark, how do you feel about putting some board breaking into the act?

Mark: Sure, why not?

John: We could write another taekwondo song, and after Tom does one of his guitar solos, we could all break boards. Jack could do a drum solo. How 'bout it, Jack?

Jack: Love to help you write that song, John, but there's no way I'm gonna break any boards in that club. I don't even want us to play there anymore.

John: Why? 'Cause that other band jumped us the other night?

Jack: Yeah... because of Jeff, too. He's in there every night with his damn... gang, selling that stupid cocaine.

Mark: Listen to me. I don't want to have any trouble. I just get the job from agent. Don't bother us.

Lodge: I've got a new villain lined up. Got it from a friend. Sort of a ninja-swashbuckler... the Shadow.

Joanna: [surprised] The Shadow?

Gary: [confused] The Shadow?

Mark: [scared] The Shadow?

[Mark runs off screaming]

Lodge: I am never gonna finish this frecking module!

Mark: Party die again?

Lodge: They don't try anything new and then they blame *me* when they die. Ungrateful munchkins. I'm really kinda pissed off.

Mark: This has nothing to do with your writer's block.

Lodge: I do not have writer's block! I know exactly how the story ends. I just... don't know how to get there.

Mark: Obviously neither do your players.

Lodge: How am I supposed to write a module based on an adventure if we *never* finish the adventure?

Mark: Just run 'em through it until they win... or your head explodes.

Lodge: [sigh] We're gonna start all over again once we have a few more players.

[pause]

Lodge: Mark! Why don't you join? You used to game all the time in college.

Mark: I haven't gamed since... the Incident.

Lodge: [confused] Total party wipeout?

Mark: Like you can't even imagine.

Lodge: [Cass walks up] Hey, Cass.

Cass: Lodge. Mark! Haven't seen you in a long time. It's like I forget you even exist.

Mark: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Clint Barker: Those sure are a set of legs you got on you sweetheart, you know that.

Mark: That's my wife.

Mark: Think for a minute... You suppose an army full of suits shows up every time a small bacteria grows?

Mark: [In strange voice] I'm not a monster, I'm a human being!

Mark: Tell me, what's a rich girl like you doing in a shit place like Alabama?

Sheila: Oh, watching poor niggers break their asses in our father's cotton mill.

Mark: Sweet. What else?

Sheila: Well, listening to rock. You like rock?

Mark: No, I like whiskey.

Mark: Look lady, this part of the world is known for two things: crazy religions, and the clap.

[as Mark Leaves to Go to The March]

Mark's Crotchety Old Neighbour: I've spoken to the council about your deviant parties.

Mark: There's no need to do that. Knock on the door, we'd let you in.

Mark's Crotchety Old Neighbour: They're sending a policeman!

Mark: Oh, I do hope so.

[Talking to the receptionist of a Record Company]

Receptionist: There are no gay artists on this label. I'm sorry.

Mark: They don't have to be gay. That's the point. This is a coming together of all different people...

[Phone Rings, The Receptionist Answers and Shoo's Mike and Mark Away]

Mark: [as They Leave the Building, Mark Runs Off to the Side]

Mike: What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?

[Mark is Writing on the Wall Underneath Two Posters]

Mark: That's the number for Gay Switchboard. You never know. One of them might need it one day.

[the Two Posters are Revealed to Be of Soft Cell and Elton John]

Reggie: Nobody said anything about hiding who we are.

Mark: Yes, they did. You.

Reggie: I just think if everybody takes it easy on the...

Ray: Flamboyance.

Reggie: We're more likely to fit in.

Jonathan: I'm sorry, just to be clear, when you say "flamboyance", you mean gay. And when you say "everyone", you mean me.

Mark: Jonathan.

Jonathan: Good. It's just I haven't spoken 1950s in quite a while.

Journalist 2: And why should gay people like me support the miners?

Mark: Because miners dig for coal, which produces power, which allows gay people like you to dance to Bananarama till 3 o'clock in the morning.

Bromley: They called us perverts.

Mark: Bromley, it's time for an important part of your education. Hands up, in this room, if you've ever been called a name like that.

[all the guys raise their hands]

Mark: Now, there is a long and honorable tradition in the gay community and it has stood us in good stead for a very long time. When somebody calls you a name... am I right Jonathan?

Jonathan: Dead right.

Mark: You take it and own it.

Mark: And we've got a name: LGSM. Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners.

Steph: It's not very catchy.

Mark: It's a support group, Steph, not a skiffle band.

Mark: [on the phone trying to find a band for the Pits & Perverts ball] It's a fund-raising concert, and we're lookin' for bands to... no! No! No, no, no, I am in no way suggesting that Sting, or indeed any other member of The Police, is a pervert.

Mark: What the hell is this?

Seth: I don't fucking - it's detergent!

Mark: Yeah, what are you doing with it?

Seth: ...I got fucking blood on my pants.

Scarlett Brighton: Kick his ass, Mark!

Mark: Shut the FUCK up, Scarlett.

[on sheets of poster board]

Mark: With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.

[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]

Mark: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this.

[picture of a mummy]

Mark: Merry Christmas.

Juliet: [after watching Mark's video of her] But... you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don't like me.

Mark: I hope it's useful. Don't show it around too much. It needs a bit of editing. Look, I've gotta get to a lunch. Early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can't you?

[pauses]

Mark: It's a... self-preservation thing, you see.

[At the altar, just before Peter is married]

Peter: No surprises?

Mark: No surprises.

Peter: Not like the stag night?

Mark: Unlike the stag night.

Peter: Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?

Mark: I do.

Peter: And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?

Mark: That is true.

Juliet: I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie or... or maybe Munchies?

Mark: Actually, I was being serious. I don't know where it is. I'll have a poke around tonight...

Juliet: Mark, can I say something?

Mark: Yeah.

Juliet: I know you're Peter's best friend and I know you've never particularly warmed to me. Look, don't... don't argue. We've never got friendly. But I just wanted to say, I hope that can change. I'm nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and... It would be great if we could be friends.

Mark: Absolutely.

Juliet: Great.

Mark: Doesn't mean we'll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called and couldn't any trace of it, so...

Juliet: Well, there's one here that says "Peter and Juliet's Wedding". Do you think we might be on the right track?

Mark: Enough. Enough now.

Juliet: Banoffee pie?

Mark: No, thanks.

Juliet: Thank God. You would've broken my heart if you'd said yes.

Mark: Oh, right. Well, lucky you.

[about Peter]

Sarah: Do you love him?

Mark: Uh, b- What?

Sarah: No, I... I just thought I'd ask the blunt question.

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.

David, Mark: [formally] Hello.

Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!

Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.

Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.

Mark: Well, I can always find time to save the world. And Bridget, you're my world.

Mark: You can do this. You can. We can do it together. Just think what life's thrown at you already. You've turned disasters into triumphs with your sheer, joyful, indefatigable, infectuous lust for life. You've managed this entire pregnancy almost entirely on your own, despite a lunatic mother, repressed men, and boyfriends who don't deserve you.

Bridget: What if it's not yours?

Mark: Then I'll love him anyway. Just as I love you. Just the way you were, the way you are, the way you always will be.

Mark: I don't suppose you happen to have a cigarette?

Bridget: No. Gave up 1,891 days ago.

Mark: Not that you're counting.

Bridget: Since when did you smoke?

Mark: I don't. It's been a tense time. Maybe I'm nervous.

Mark: She's gone back to The Hague, where she's now living and I'm not.

Bridget: Oh, I'm so sorry, Mark.

Mark: Right at this precise moment, I'm not sorry at all.

Jack: Come on, buddy. Why are you so angry?

Mark: You know what? I'm really not your buddy. And I don't know about vibes and negative energy or prenatal wind and even less about algorithms. So, I will confess that the laws of attraction are somewhat beyond me. In fact, Bridget defies compehension generally. But despite, or perhaps, owing to the bewildering litany of catasthophes I've witnessed over the last 40 years, I feel I've come to know Bridget rather well, and I've spent those years caring for her very deeply. And that may defy automated reasoning, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Jack: For better or worse, fate has brought us together.

Mark: It wasn't fate, it was condoms.

Jack: What do you mean?

Mark: Those ridiculous dolphin-friendly things from the bottom of Bridget's bag.

Jack: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about. When Bridget and I got it on, I was... I was not dressed for the occasion.

Mark: [on finding Andy in Trish's bed with a dozen opened condoms] Dude. Teach me!

Mark: If the younger generation doesn't get into opera, then, guess what? No more opera! An art form has died. If opera goes away, we're fucked!

Mark: What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't, buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick, are you? OK. Good talk. I'll see you out there.

Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you, retarded?

[regarding the blue soup]

Bridget: How's it look?

Mark: Uh, great. It's, um, blue.

Bridget: Blue?

Mark: No, but, blue is good. If you ask me there isn't enough blue food.

Bridget: Oh, shit! It must be the string.

Mark: Oh, it's string soup?

Bridget: What are we going to do about this dinner, then?

Mark: We have blue soup to start, orange pudding to end, and, well, for a main course you have, uh, congealed green gunge.

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!

Sam: I'm not innocent.

Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!

Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.

Sam: He's protecting me.

Andrew Largeman: So?

Sam: He *likes* me!

Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.

Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.

Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.

Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!

Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Mark: So this is it...

Andrew Largeman: So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.

Mark: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.

Mark: I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better.

Andrew Largeman: I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.

Sam: Shut up.

Mark: Fuck off.

Andrew Largeman: No, that's the truth.

Sam: Why?

Andrew Largeman: It was a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day... I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because.

Sam: [interrupts] Because you couldn't make her happy?

Andrew Largeman: Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.

[pauses]

Andrew Largeman: So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down.

Sam: Wow.

Andrew Largeman: Still want to compare fucked up families?

Mark: We'll probably head over there right after we bury your mom.

Mark: Hey, vagina!

Andrew Largeman: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.

Jesse: Hey.

Sam: Hey.

Dave: What's up?

Mark: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.

Sam: Oh, that's okay.

Mark: Nice. Let's get fucked up.

Mark: How about some fucking furniture, man?

Jesse: I bought a chair, but I didn't like it.

Sam: Where is it?

Jesse: [indicating the fireplace] It's keeping us warm.

Carol: Mark, he's a knight.

Mark: He's just a fast food knight.

Mark: I do apply myself every day, mom. I work my ass off burying dead people, okay? I'm only 26. I'm not in any rush. What's your rush for?

Mark: Silent velcro. You lucky mother fucker.

Andrew Largeman: I feel like if I would shown up at school and presented the idea of silent velcro they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner.

Sam: Why did they send you away?

Jesse: Ooh, listen to this girl.

Andrew Largeman: They didn't send me away.

Mark: You just said they sent you away.

Mark: You like that, Press Junket, that's improv bitch, you can use it.

Andrew Largeman: Can you imagine being the guy whose job it is to argue for the right to build a mall on top of a geological phenomenon?

Mark: They love their malls here, man.

Sam: He's defending me. He's my knight in shining armor.

Andrew Largeman: Don't mention knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.

Mark: I'm going to kill that motherfucker.

Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?

Mark: The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money.

Diego: Does it come with balloons?

Mark: What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!

Andrew Largeman: Dude, we've been patient all day but it's my last day in town and you haven't told us what we're doing. I mean, if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed.

Mark: Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.

[Largeman flounders in the pool]

Jesse: Dude, maybe you should stay over by the steps. I don't know CPR.

Mark: You look like a wet beaver.

Andrew Largeman: They sent me to boarding school because they thought I might be dangerous.

[mocking Sam]

Andrew Largeman: Oh, are you freaked out? You're like so freaked out. You're like running for the door. You can go, it's okay, don't feel bad.

Sam: [unamused] That's really funny.

[Andrew laughing]

Sam: It's really funny. Why would they think you'd be dangerous?

Jesse: You're like a little detective.

Andrew Largeman: Want to know?

Sam: Yeah.

Mark: You're gay.

Tim: By the way, it says 'balls' on your face.

Andrew Largeman: [to Mark] Asshole!

Mark: What? My mum did it.

Andrew Largeman: How did she die?

Mark: I don't know, she wasn't Jewish, I didn't bury her.

Mark: Hey! If you ever need a Kato you know where to find me.

Jesse: But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left.

Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger and I've been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16 my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so he sent me to boarding school. And I haven't been home since.

Sam: Until now.

Mark: For her funeral.

Andrew Largeman: Until now for her funeral.

Jesse: I can't believe the retarded quarterback is a pill-popper.

Mark: Hey look, what do you gotta do today? Because, uh, I got you a little going away present but I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride?

Andrew Largeman: Yeah, I just uh.

Mark: What?

Andrew Largeman: No, nothing. I just, um.

Mark: Say it. Speak.

Andrew Largeman: I kinda told Sam I was going to hang out with her today.

Mark: She can come. I don't care.

[repeated line]

Mark: ...or some shit.

Mark: We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day.

Mark: Hey, Lucas. I've decided I'm going to start a band.

Lucas: The first thing you need is a name. Then you'll know what kind of band you've got.

Mark: Right, right. I was thinking about, um, Marc. How does that sound?

Lucas: Is that with a C or with a K?

Mark: Well my name is with a

[checks his nametag]

Mark: K, so I was thinking my band's name could be with a C. That way it's kind of that psychedelic, you know, trip thing.

Lucas: Always play with their minds.

Mark: [into television camera] Damn the man. Save the Empire.

[Answering the phone]

Mark: Empire Records, open 'til midnight, this is Mark.

[pause]

Mark: Midnight.

Warren: Stop calling me Warren! My name isn't FUCKING WARREN!

Eddie: His name isn't Warren.

Corey: His name isn't Warren.

Berko: His name isn't Warren.

Mark: I thought his name was Warren?

A.J.: Lucas, hey Lucas. Hey Lucas. What the hell are you doin' here, man?

Lucas: Something happened to me last night. In Atlantic City.

A.J.: Oh, you went to Atlantic City?

Mark: Wow! Did you win anything?

Lucas: No. I did not win. So if you guys ever wonder if it was nice to know you, I tell you now that it was.

A.J.: Mark, listening to this crap is guaranteed to make you sterile.

Mark: [under his breath] Maybe I want to be sterile.

Lucas: Mark, who's your favorite singer?

Mark: Axl.

Lucas: Well if Axl Rose was driving down the highway, and saw Rex Manning stranded on the side of the road, do you think Axl Rose would stop and help him?

Mark: [thinks] ... Does Axl have a jack?

Warren: No way man!... Axl would pound on the gas, turn the wheel, take aim, and take that sucker out!

Eddie: This music is the glue of the world Mark. It's what holds it all together. Without this, life would be meaningless.

Mark: Hey, did you hear about Lucas?

Eddie: Hey Lucas man, I hear you went to Vegas and you married a mobster's wife and now you've got a hit on you and stuff. Is that true?

Lucas: Not entirely true.

Eddie: Well outlaw man, we solute you.

Lucas: Thank you Eddie.

Eddie: No problem.

Joe: Could you please not sing, Mark.

Mark: You know what Joe? One of these days, I'm gonna show you little people.

Joe: Yeah, well on that day I'm gonna jump outta my wheelchair and do a dance.

Mark: How 'bout today, huh? Rex Manning day.

Mark: So, how 'bout it then?

Dave: So tell us Mark, now at the very end - what was your secret? How did you get all them girls?

Mark: Simple. Don't say anything at all.

'Young' Carl: Nothing?

Mark: Nothing. Then, when the tension becomes too much to bear, you finally, finally, you just say: "How about it, then?"

Angus: The way I look at it, the world couldn't survive without my comedy, and who's going to have the moral backbone to play the Seekers when the mood is right?

Dave: They've split up.

Angus: I intend to celebrate the back catalogue.

Dave: I intend to stop you doing so.

Mark: [silently stands up and lights a cigarette]

Simon: As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, but I survived that because I live for music. And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well.

'On-The-Hour' John: I've always lived for news and weather. Happy to die for them, too. Especially the weather.

Bob Silver 'the Dawn Treader': I've got nowhere else to go.

Harold: I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham. So I think I'll stick around.

Felicity: Can't let everyone starve. And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me when I return to normal life.

Thick Kevin: I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me. Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance.

'Young' Carl: Obviously, I'm in. You're the only people in the world who like me.

Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Mike: First dad forces us to move

Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe

Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!

Mark: And he hates kids too.

Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.

Sarah Baker: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?

Mark: Stop calling me that!

Mark: Have you seen Beans dad?

Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.

Mark: It's Mark.

Tom: I knew that.

Denny: Man, all you gotta do is find a girl that looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her, man. Get her of your mind.

Mark: Your only mistake is that you didn't dump her first. Diane Court is a show pony. You need a stallion, my friend. Walk with us and you walk tall.

Luke: Bitches, man.

Mark: Man, that was some fucked up night.

Mark: When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?

Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.

Mark: Don't put me in this position where I have to fuck my way out of a corner!

Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.

Mark: I can't belive this, I'm opening up to you, and you're making fun of a serious moment in my life.

Mark: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry my $25,000 check is such an inconvenience for your pillow.

Mark: If you don't have sex with Daisy in 10 days, I will.

Mark: Did you know that Leo played a part on Yo, Teach?

Ira Wright: Yes I did.

Mark: So you saw it?

Ira Wright: I can't believe you slept with her.

Mark: I gave you an extra 11 days.

Daisy: [Joining in the conversation] What are you guys talking about?

Ira Wright: Nothing, don't worry about it. Stupid guy stuff.

Mark: I've been in this cage for 3 years and 5 months and 17 days, but who's countin'?

[laughs hysterically]

[Pierre has a deep French ascent]

Pierre: But luckily for you, I am an onihgable man.

Mark: Excuse me, what was that?

Pierre: Onihgable!

Mark: What?... Oner gable?

Pierre: Onihgable!

Mark: Omini-hrm?

Pierre: Onihgable!

Mark: I still don't...

Pierre: [Irritated] Onihgable!

Mark: [Pronouncing it perfectly] I think the word you're looking for is "honorable".

Pierre: SHUT UP!

Mark: E-mail me, okay? Freak-in-cage-dot-com.

Pierre: Can I get you guys some beers?

Mark: I'd like a "Near Beer," please.

Pierre: SHUT UP!

[smacks Mark's cage with horsewhip]

Pierre: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHUT YOU UP?

Mark: Why'd you scratch his C D?

Steve Barker: Jeffy just admiring it.

Mark: Do it again and you'll be admiring my butt from the pavement with a straw.

Steve Barker: ...What?

Mark: You heard me!

Glen: People tell us all the time what we wont ever do. Won't ever read, won't ever have a job, won't ever learn to tie my own shoes, won't ever have a girlfriend. Well I have done all those things.

Mark: But you can't tie your own shoes.

Winston: And you never had a girlfwiend.

Glen: That's right

Mark: I've seen better acting on porno

Mark: SINK, YOU FOOL!

[handing Stevo a bag of weed]

Mark: Here you go, but be careful, that stuff'll make you stupid.

[Someone throws a beer can at Stevo]

Stevo: FUCK YOU.

Mark: Well, stupider than you already are.

Mark: That's what's wrong with you Americans, you're always looking for pain.

Mike: Yeah well... it pains me to hear you say that, Mark, it really does.

Mike: So Mark. how you doin' old man?

Mark: FUCK! I'm not old motherfucker.

Mike: Oh no, I just... no, I mean... you're older than anyone else here.

Mark: It depends on how you look at it. I'm young in my heart! Younger then any of these assholes over there.

Stevo: [to Mark who is leaving Salt Lake City] If you ever get lonely, if you ever need someone to talk to... Bob's here for you.

Mark: Hey Stevo.

[good naturedly]

Mark: Fuck you.

Stevo, Bob: Noooo. Fuuuccckkkk yooouuuuuuu.

Mark: Now you see the problem with water beds is that they have these waves like this,

[makes motions of waves with hands]

Mark: Right? But you see this water bed is special,

[draws his hands across the bed]

Mark: , you see? It has no waves.

Stevo: Why didn't you just get a normal bed... that has no waves?

[awkward silence]

Mark: But this HAS no waves.

[first lines]

Mark: Do you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up?

Mark: We're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and having ears. But just remember one thing - it can't get any worse, it can only get better. High school is the bottom, being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make you stronger, living will. So just hang on and hang in there.

Mark: For instance, assuming that there is a heaven, who would ever want to go there? Ya know? I mean think about it; it's cool, you're sitting there up on this cloud. It's nice, it's quiet. There's no teachers, there's no parents... but guess what... there's nothing to do! It's fucking boring!

Mark: This is a hell of a way for you to find out.

Mildred: Find out what?

Mark: Well, that I'm gay for one thing... come on, you never suspected?

Mildred: You were always so good at sports.

[They laugh]

Mildred: So what's the other thing?

Mark: What other thing?

Mildred: You said "that I'm gay for one thing" so what's the other thing?

Mark: That I'm dying.

Mark: Let's play a game.

Mildred: Okay, want me to get a pack of cards?

Mark: Not that kind of game.

Mildred: Okay, what?

Mark: Tell me something that I don't know.

Mildred: What do you mean?

Mark: You know, something I wouldn't have known about you.

Mildred: Oh, I don't know...

Mark: Please, mom.

Mildred: Okay.

[pauses for about 2 seconds]

Mildred: Well, I never loved your father.

Mark: [totally shocked] What?

Mildred: I never did.

Mark: Wow, you're really good at this.

Mildred: Truth be told, when he died, I felt relieved more than anything else.

Mark: [still totally shocked] Gee, Mom, don't hold anything back.

Mark: [after coming up with a story to tell the cops] You hear that Eddie? I never hit you.

Eddie: Why should I lie?

Mark: What are you talking about?

Eddie: Why should I lie, when this is all your fault?

Mark: My fault? How the fuck is this my fault?

Eddie: Well if you hadn't been so worried about your paint job, my penis would be in my pants right now and not in my fucking hand!

Mark: [referring to Eddie's penis] Tim, it's been cut off!

Tim: So they can reattach it.

Mark: Well how the fuck are they gonna do that?

Tim: What am I, a surgeon? They use leeches and shit.

Mark: This is so stupid! What about the cops?

Tim: Just be here when I get back.

Mark: Gunga Din! Drinking the white man's brew!

Fat Twat: What are you doing here, Abdul?

Abdul Khan: It's me stag night. I'm gettin' married.

Mark: Who to?

Abdul Khan: Dunno. Me dad hasn't bothered introducing us yet.

Mark: Now, what about Richard? Historically we know that Richard was born with severe curvature of the spine. Thus giving the impression that he was hunch backed. There was some paralysis of the right foot and the left hand, Olivier chose to play the left foot and the right hand, God knows why. As well as nerve damage to the right cheek and the eyelids. I mean, the man was your basic gimp let's face it. All of which bring us, thanks to the wise and rich Mrs. Estelle Morganwise, to this production. Is that the way we want to play Richard? If you do then this director would just as soon do a six week stint on the Sonny and Cher Show. Richard the third was a flaming homosexual. So was Shakespere for that matter. But that angry mob at the Globe Theater wasn't about to plunk down two shillings to see a bunch of pansies jumping about on the stage. It was society that crippled Richard not childbirth. I mean, read your texts. He sent those two cute little boys up to the tower and nobody ever saw them again. I mean, we all know why, don't we? What I want to do here is to strip Richard bare, metaphorically. Let's get rid of the hump. Let's get rid of the twisted extremeties and show him for what he would be today. The queen who wanted to be king.

Mark: [sees Elliot raising his hand] Yes?

Elliot Garfield: Question. Are you serious?

Mark: Now, what's the objection Elliot?

Elliot Garfield: Well, number 1 I have to play it. Number 2 I like the hump and the club foot and number 3 I've been working on the part for 3 months.

Mark: And I respect that. I mean, that's why were here, isn't it? To exchange ideas. So, how do you see Richard, Mr. Macho?

Elliot Garfield: No, I don't think the guy's a linebacker for the Chicago Bears. But let's not throw away one of his prime motivations.

Mark: Oh, and what's that?

Elliot Garfield: He wants to hump Lady Anne!

Mark: Oh, yes. I've heard that before. Well, look, I'm not going to try and pressure you but let's just try it my way. Let's read through the first act. Trust me, please.

Assistant Director: Act one scene one...

Elliot Garfield: Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Just how far off the diving board do you want me to jump?

Mark: Well, don't give me Bette Midler, but let's not be afraid to be bold.

Elliot Garfield: Bold.

Mark: Bold.

Assistant Director: Act one, scene one, enter Richard Duke of Glochester.

Elliot Garfield: Now is the winter of our discontent... Sorry, one minute. Now is the winter...

Elliot Garfield: [Very effeminate] Now ith the winter of our dithcontent... may I have a 5 minute break please?

Mark: Five minutes.

Mark: You're unhappy Elliot?

Elliot Garfield: Unhappy? No. I am freaking petrified. The critics are going to crucify me, Mark. And Gay Liberation is going to hang me from Shakespear's statue. By my genitalia. You gotta help me, Mark.

Mark: What do you want, Elliot?

Elliot Garfield: I want my hump back! I want my club foot. I want a little paralysis in my right hand! I don't mean a lot, just a little, two stiff fingers, I need a little motivation.

Mark: I see. You want to play it safe, eh? You want to give us your standard, conventinal Richard. Well, I can't argue with that Elliot they've been doing it that way for 400 years.

Elliot Garfield: Listen, what do I know? I'm lucky to get the part I know that. I come from Chicago. We do things a little bit differently out there. We do the play as written. That doesn't go over in New York? Terrific. I respect you, Mark, I do. You've done off Broadway I haven't. I'm not a quitter. You want me to do Richard the Third like Tatum O'Neal I'll do it but just don't make me look foolish out there.

Mark: And you feel foolish.

Elliot Garfield: I feel like an asshole! I passed foolish on Tuesday.

Mark: Hey, I was never going to let you do it like that.

Elliot Garfield: Oh, thank God!

Mark: But do you see where I'm heading.

Elliot Garfield: I, I'm trying, Mark.

Mark: Richard was gay there's no doubt about it. But let's use that as subtext. We'll keep it but now we can put back the hump and the club foot...

Elliot Garfield: And the twisted fingers.

Mark: If you like them.

Elliot Garfield: Like 'em? I love 'em! I'm crazy about 'em!

Mark: Then use them, baby, and you will see what I am after. Just try it my way, bubala. I will never let you go wrong.

Professor Banks: You've learned something I can't teach them. You've learned what it feels like to be black.

Mark: No sir.

Professor Banks: Beg your pardon?

Mark: I don't really know what it feels like sir. If I didn't like it, I could always get out. It's not the same sir.

Professor Banks: You've learned a great deal more than I thought.

Mark: This is the Cosby decade. America loves black people.

Professor Banks: If you've had some sort of accident, Mr Watson, perhaps you should have taken the entire day off.

Mark: Oh. I'm fine. I just got in sort of a fight. I mean, it wasn't my fault! You see they threw me in this cell with these real ass - - some extremely unsportsman-like fellows.

[an audition]

Betsy Faye Sharon: Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt.

Mark: Sure.

[Removes it and reviews the script]

Mark: "Will you be having wine with dinner?"

Betsy Faye Sharon: [lustily] I think we've found our waiter!

Wendy: So. Where shall we go?

Mark: Fancy a Whopper?

Wendy: Sure. We can always eat afterwards.

Mark: She seems quite distant sometimes. It's killing me. We're talking permanent erection here. There's a medical term for that. Isn't there?

Steven Carter: Uh, Yeah..."Sad Bastard"

Mark: Attempted suicide at the age of seventeen - can't remember why, I was sad about something.

Mark: [to Barbi] You're not only a whore, you're a filthy lesbian!

Mark: [looking into the camera] There's never been a better time to be a man. The willing women. The dandy clothes. The frills. The big rings and jewelry. The open shirts. The sense of entitlement. Take it from me: savor this time. For it will soon be gone, never to return.

Tommy: I mean honestly, who in this day and age leaves their house and doesn't lock their door?

Mark: Maybe she's got Brinks or something.

Juan: What's that? A mental disease?

Roland: No man, it's a security system...

Juan: Oh... my bad.

Mark: I'm serious though, it's like an Altoid for your...

Roland: No,no man, i hear ya. I just don't believe it.

Juan: Yeah, isn't that stuff meant for your feet?

Mark: Yeah, for like... advertising purposes. Just pick up a small dark blue bottle and your good to go. But do yourself a favor and... avoid the tip.

Mark: You know, I think it's good how this turned out.

Gabriel: You do?

Mark: Yeah. We got the hard part over with.

Gabriel: Oh, what about the sex?

Mark: What kind of a girl do you think I am?

Mark: [to Perry's ex] Yeah, but we discovered we're both out-and-out tops... so we're makin' the rounds tonight... lookin' for a couple of hot bottoms.

[Pointing to Gabriel]

Mark: We got one.

Gabriel: Hi.

Mark: [to Gabriel] Did I say you could talk?

Gabriel: No...

Mark: No, what?

Gabriel: [Confused] No, thank you?

Mark: No, sir!

Gabriel: No, sir.

Mark: [to Perry's ex] He's still in training.

Gabriel: Hi. I'm - I'm Gabriel.

Mark: Mark. I'm Mark.

[Silence]

Gabriel: Wow, this is really awkward.

[Train passes in the background]

Mark: Huh?

Gabriel: [shouts] I said this is awkward.

Mark: [Deadpan] Which way?

Mark: [referring to Gillian Anderson] It would make it a real movie if it had a real star.

Mark: [noting Steve Coogan's presence] Two stars.

Mark: Do you ever think about, like, the big issues, you know? Like, where do we come from? What are we here for?

Sam Deed: Someday, Marko, there won't be any big questions.

Mark: Like UFO's, all right? What are they?

Sam Deed: They're interstellar travelers. They come from a planet called Enon from Osiris Galaxy. They stop here on Earth to fill up their nitro-carbon engines and then...

[waves his hand]

Mark: ...Maybe. What about God, huh? Is there a God?

Sam Deed: Surprisingly, yes. A Jesuit priest found 102 of them using a telepathy scope.

Mark: ...Through a what?

Sam Deed: A telepathy scope.

Mark: What's a telepathy scope, dude?

Mark: Hi, my name's Mark, and I'm a...

Group: Healthy Heterosexual Male!

Mark: Do you wish Rhett never loved Scarlett? Rick didn't have Ilsa or Harry never loved Sally? Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Succeed or fail, we must make the attempt, it's our nature. Now if it were up to me, as it usually is, I would order this. But its not. Because Claire is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any relationship with a man as intelligent but fantastically flakey as Robert. But I must point out the possibilities, the potential, for true love and happiness are equally great. Risk... risk is our business. That's what relationships are all about. That's why we're out there.

Mark: You're losing it. A year ago you'd already be re-enacting the kitchen scene from "9 1/2 Weeks". 'Course, my own sex life's more like 8 1/2 Weeks - Fellini meets Psycho. Scary.

Mark: A musical Julius Ceasar is quite possibly the worst idea I've heard since New Coke.

Robert: Jesus Christ, no kidding. My girlfriend bails on me and then I find out that the man I've idolized since I was two turns out to be a raving loon! I can't believe my life.

Mark: I usually can't believe your life either. But Shatner's dementia is no reason to give up the gospel of the original series!

Robert: Ok the man that we just met is not the man who invented the Corbomite Manuever, or the man who almost died defeating the Doomsday Machine.

Mark: Let it go. Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A., nobody's ever who they appear to be. Other than John Tesh, who's probably exactly who he appears to be.

Robert: No, no no, I'm sorry. Shatner is, was and ever shall be Kirk to me. I need my hero.

Mark: What you need is a bank account.

Robert: I don't believe it. It's Bill.

Mark: Okay, just be cool, don't stare, you'll go blind.

Robert: And he's perusing porno. All right! I gotta go over there and talk to him, man!

Mark: A... wha... wha... no. All over the world, from as far off as the Caspian sea, people have been running up to Bill and acting like idiots. Why must you be one of them?

Robert: Because NOW it's MY turn! I mean, don't you want to go over there and talk to him and see what he's like? I mean William Shatner made us who we are today!

Mark: Do you want to insult the man? Respect his space.

Robert: I do respect his space: it's the final frontier...

Mark: Just... just be dignified. You know, don't do anything stupid.

Munchkin Beth: What is your problem tonight?

Mark: My problem? I don't have a problem. You on the other hand are an insufferable spoiled brat who can only talk about herself. I mean, the biggest joke is that you have more problems than anyone I know, yet you want to become a therapist. What are you going to do: counsel people to kill themselves? Because that's what I feel like doing after listening to you whine for an hour.

Munchkin Beth: Is that what you really feel?

Mark: Yes it is. Now if you don't mind, can we go back to your apartment and have sex, please, because I'm very tired and have a lot of work to do.

Dan: Maybe she's like Catherine Tremell in "Basic Instinct", you know? One day she's just going to plunge an ice pick into his nose.

Mark: He'd probably enjoy that. Killed by a naked blonde who doesn't wear underwear to the strains of a Jerry Goldsmith score. Come to think of it, I'd sort of dig that myself.

Mark: She made Forrest Gump look like a candidate for Mensa.

Mark: [when Rob is crushed that Bill is nothing like Captain Kirk] Let it go. Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A. Nobody's ever who they appear to be.

Dan: [trying to pick up a waitress] I was going to write my phone number on the check.

Mark: That's romantic. Why not just leave an engagement ring with the valet while you're at it?

Mark: [on Rob's love life] You're pathetic.

Robert: How's the Munchkin?

Mark: OK, I take it back.

Mark: This is a lie Pierce.

Pierce: Shut up! It's not. It's the new truth.

[first lines]

Director: So, what's going on?

Mark: I get to start? It's um, it's good, it was good. I, I got you a copy on DVD. And it's one of those medical... drama... hospital things.

Director: Concerned neighbor. This the part here?

Casting Assistant: Yeah.

Director: Doesn't really matter whether he looks like, does it?

Mark: I was going to say, uh, I really like the script.

Director: It's a good script.

Director: [phone rings] Okay thank you...

Casting Assistant: Great, thanks Martin.

Mark: Mark.

Mark: What we *do* have from today is a good story for your script.

Pierce: Who do you want to play you?

Mark: Me, I'm playing me.

Pierce: You're too old.

Pierce: Mark, Mark when I went upstairs there were two people who were not alive in your flat, weren't there?

Mark: Yeah

Pierce: How many are there now?

Mark: When I left this apartment there were two dead people... How many are there now?

Pierce: What the hell is that?

Mark: Clarinet stand.

Alonzo Harris: [after killing Roger] Use your ears and hear me, Jake. Sometimes we gotta take this shit all the way. Now, nobody will ever ask you to pull the trigger if you don't want to.

Alonzo Harris: [to Mark] Mark, where are you transferring to?

Mark: S.I.S.

Alonzo Harris: S.I.S. Detective. Give me 18 months, I'll give you a career. We're an elite unit. We make the big seizures. We make the big arrests. But if you're in my unit, you gotta be in it all the way or not at all. I thought that you was man enough to face that. I guess I was wrong. Five proven, decorated officers say that you're the shooter. The investigators are gonna want to pull a tube of your blood to check for intoxicants, and what are they gonna find, Jake? Do the math. You've been smoking PCP all day, haven't you?

Jake: You've been planning this all day?

Alonzo Harris: I've been planning this all week, son. You talk that crazy shit, I'll make sure that blood gets to the lab. You wanna walk your baby nuts around the block, you won't make it to the corner, but if you're cool, if you're cool... then you're a hero. You're a virgin shooter above suspicion.

Alonzo Harris: [after killing Roger and framing Jake] Congratulations, son. You're gonna get a Medal of Valor for this.

Jake Hoyt: But I didn't shoot him.

Alonzo Harris: A roomful of cops said you did.

Jake Hoyt: But I didn't. You did.

Alonzo Harris: A Los Angeles Police Department Narcotics officer was killed today serving a high-risk warrant in Echo Park. Gimme the bitch. LAPD spokesperson says the officer is survived... by his wife and infant child. Shit gets deeper. You get the picture?

Jake Hoyt: Yeah, I get it.

[Jake grabs gun from Alonzo, the crew points guns at Jake]

Jake Hoyt: That's the second time you pointed a gun at me. There will not be a third!

Alonzo Harris: Goddamn, boy! My nigga, are y'all watching this? That's it!

Paul: It'd be my pleasure to put a hydrashock in that melon...

Alonzo Harris: Wait, wait.

Paul: But naw, I'ma be cool. Now drop the fucking gun now!

Jake Hoyt: You wanna shoot me, Paul, go ahead. But I'm taking him with me.

Mark: I'm going, Alonzo.

Paul: This motherfucker's a fed.

Alonzo Harris: Naw, he ain't no fed. He's just a choirboy that got the drop on all you fools.

Jake Hoyt: You can't put this shit on me. I did not sign up for this!

Alonzo Harris: I understand your anger. Everybody, put your guns down.

Tim: [shouts] Hell, naw!

Paul: Choirboy first.

Alonzo Harris: [shouts] Everybody, put your guns down! That's an order.

[shouts]

Alonzo Harris: Put 'em down!

Alonzo: [after killing Roger and shooting Jeff] It's not what you know, it's what you can prove. Mark and Paul, you kicked the door down. Jeff's the first one through. Roger hits Jeff twice.

[to Jeff]

Alonzo: What's the matter, one go through?

Tim: Yeah, you shot him.

Jeff: You fucking shot me, man!

Alonzo: Don't worry about it. You'll get a medal.

Jeff: Get me an ambulance!

Alonzo: Hey, hey, hey. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? Let me quarterback this thing. Mark, Paul, you kicked the door down. Jeff's the first one through. Roger shoots Jeff twice, bang bang. Our new guy, Hoyt, he's in second. Drops Roger with some fine shotgun work. Now who shot Roger?

Mark: New guy, came in spraying.

Alonzo: Who shot Roger?

Paul: Boot did it.

Alonzo: What did you guys see?

Tim: Hoyt blasted him.

Jeff: Hey, fuck Hoyt, all right? Ambulance time!

Alonzo: Done. Paul, call 'em up.

Paul: 11-49-98 Shots fired. Officer down. Repeat. Officer down. 5951 Baxter Street.

Alonzo: [while meeting on the roof of a parking garage] What's happening? You got the picks and shovels?

Mark: You gonna dig a ditch?

Alonzo: Nope. You are. That's a nice suit.

[to Paul]

Alonzo: What's going on, killer?

Paul: I can't call it. Been hearing some shit out here on these streets. You all right?

Alonzo: Yeah. I talked to the three wise men today. Everything's all good.

Paul: Shit, you say we can get away with it, I'm with you on that.

[points to Jake]

Paul: Who the fuck is this?

Jake: Jake Hoyt. I'm from Valley Patrol. It's my first day.

Paul: You a long way from Starbucks homey.

[to Alonzo]

Paul: Yo, why the fuck is he in on this?

Alonzo: Gotta get his cherry popped sometime.

Paul: [to Jake] Yo, stay the fuck outta my way. Just for the big dogs, you feel me?

Alonzo: All right. Here's the warrant signed and sealed by the judge, thanks to the Sandman. Alright, now listen up; Safety is first. He gives us shit - Boom! We're giving him lead. Let's do this right so we can all go home and do the wife or the girlfriend thing, alright? Let's suit up, ladies. Time to punch in.

Lawyer's Secretary: Where are your parents?

Mark: Where are yours?

Lawyer's Secretary: Are you even injured?

Mark: Do I look injured?

Lawyer's Secretary: Well, we only do injuries.

Mark: Well, I'll just go get hit by a truck and come back.

Reggie: [upon seeing Mark's Led Zeppelin t-shirt] You like Led Zeppelin?

Mark: Yeah. Do YOU like Led Zeppelin?

Reggie: Oh, sure. They were a great band.

Mark: I bet you've never even heard of Led Zeppelin. I bet you're just one of them grown ups who just pretends to like really cool bands just to get close to little punks like me.

Reggie: Well, I think we've covered just about everything...

Mark: Ok, what's you're favorite Led Zeppelin song?

Reggie: um... Moby Dick, live version. Bitchin' drum solo.

Reggie: I have been sober for three years.

Mark: Yeah right, that's what all the drunks say, how they're gonna get sober and all. They even say they love you but they don't. And then they come home wasted and beat on you and your mother so bad that you gotta hit 'em in the face with a baseball bat!

Reggie: You're talkin' about your daddy aren't you?

Mark: Yeah, well, I got rid of him. When me and my mom went into court to buy our divorce our lawyer SUCKED as usual, so I went up there and told the judge myself about all the beatin's, about how he made us sleep in the street. And that's when my father became my ex-father, and now I got you, and you're a drunk and a bad lawyer too! So now I'm gettin' rid of you, you're fired, okay?

Mark: Thanks Rev. Roy, you've been a real pain in the ass.

Roy: Thank you, son. I can assure you, you have been an even larger pain in the ass.

Reggie: You've been lyin' to me. You got three to tell me the truth, 1... 2... 3...

Mark: YOU'RE THE LIAR! KEEP THE DOLLAR! YOU'RE FIRED!

Richard: What did you do?

[Mark begins explaining]

Richard: I SAID WHAT DID YOU DO... What did you do? Not them other cunts

Mark: I didn't stop it... I didn't stop it

Richard: Well you should've stopped it... you might've stopped a lot of carnage

Mark: What do you mean?

Richard: They're all dead... I executed them all and your the last one

Richard: Was he screaming my name? When they were torturing him... was he screaming my name?

Mark: Yes

Richard: He's still screaming my name

Richard: Take this knife

Mark: No

Richard: You take this knife before I do something terrible with it

Mark: Hey, I think you are all right, man. Anytime you want to come say hello, just leave a message with my secretary. All right?

Mark: How you do, soldier?

Mark: Man, one stick of dynamite would do it.

Mark: I'm a fuckin' bastard.

Alisa: You're not a bastard. You're a cunt.

Helen: So, what's next?

Mark: We'll wait and see.

Helen: Shouldn't we offer him something?

Mark: Helen, we don't know the guy. Who's to tell he's some fugitive or worst... a child molester, or serial killer.

Helen: Mark... he's not a fugitive. I did see great sadness in his eyes. I think there is a lot more to him.

Mark: Of course, we hardly know the guy remember?

Mark: How was work today?

Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client and the bank will make a lot of money.

Mark: What client?

Johnny: I cannot tell you; it's confidential.

Mark: Aw, come on. Why not?

Johnny: No, I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life?

[Johnny walks to the apartment rooftop]

Johnny: I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her!

[throws water bottle]

Johnny: I did *not*. Oh hi, Mark.

Mark: Oh, hey Johnny, what's up?

Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I hit her.

Mark: What? Did you?

Johnny: [sits down] No, it's not true. Don't even ask. What's new with you?

Mark: I'm just sitting up here thinking, you know. I got a question for you.

Johnny: Yeah?

Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Johnny: What makes you say that?

Mark: [gets up] I don't know. I don't know. I'm just... I'm just thinking.

Johnny: I don't have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.

Mark: Yeah, man, you'll never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street.

Johnny: Ha ha ha. What a story, Mark.

[gets up]

Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.

Johnny: I'm so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.

Mark: Yeah, man. Yeah, you are very lucky.

Johnny: Well, maybe you should have a girl, Mark.

Mark: [pauses, then walks forward] Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I have one already. I don't know yet.

Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That's her name?

Mark: Betty? Yeah. Yeah, we don't see each other anymore. You know, she wasn't any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments.

Johnny: That's too bad. My Lisa's great whenever I get it.

Mark: [sits down] Oh man, I just can't figure women out. Sometimes they're just too smart. Sometimes they're just flat-out stupid. Other times they're just evil.

Johnny: It seems to me that you're the expert, Mark.

[sits down]

Mark: No. Definitely not an expert, Johnny.

Johnny: I kill you, you bastard!

Mark: You couldn't kill me if you tried.

Johnny: You betrayed me! You're not good. You, you're just a chicken. Chip-chip-chip-chip-cheep-cheep.

Peter: Speaking of which, how did you meet Lisa? You never told us.

Johnny: Oh, that's very interesting story, when I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn't know anyone, and I have, I hit YMCA with a $2000 check that I couldn't cash.

Mark: Why not?

Johnny: Well, because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, I was working as a busboy in hotel, and uh, um, she was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her, and that's how we met.

Mark: So, I mean, what's the interesting part?

Johnny: Well, the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.

Mark: As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the earth. That's a promise.

Lisa: I miss you, Mark.

Mark: What are you talking about? I just saw you!

Mark: You don't understand anything, man. Leave your *stupid* comments in your pocket!

Mark: So can I come in tomorrow, like late afternoon?

Johnny: Absolutely. 8:00?

Mark: Great!

Mark: [confused] I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress... I mean, what's going on here?

Lisa: I like you very much. Lover... boy.

Peter: [almost getting thrown off a building] What are you, nuts? GOD!

Mark: [shrugs it off like it's nothing] Sorry.

Lisa: I've lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?

Mark: You don't *have* me. You'll *never* have me. You killed him.

Lisa: Mark, we're free to be together. I love you. I love you!

Mark: Tramp. You killed him; you're the cause of all of this. I don't love you. Get out of my life, you bitch!

Mark: Wow. So, uh, you gonna be ready?

Lisa: How do you mean that? I'm always ready... for you.

Mark: Who are you calling a kid?

Mark: Damn, man. Fuck! What do you want to know my secret for, man? Well, you are right. It's Lisa. I don't know what to do, man. I'm so depressed. It's HER fault. She's such a manipulative BITCH!

Lisa: It can't wait 'til later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.

Mark: Okay. All right, what do you want to talk about?

Lisa: She's a stupid bitch.

Mark: Come on, it's clear.

Claudette: What's clear?

[repeated line]

Mark: What's going on here?

[repeated line]

Mark: What are you *doing*?

Johnny: What - what's goin' on here?

Mark: [scoffs] You really don't know, do you?

Johnny: [shoving Mark] Maybe I know more than you think I do, Mark.

Mark: Shit, all right?

[Mark tells Jim a joke after him and Selena save Jim's life]

Mark: A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, 'Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there.' And the man says, 'No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe.'

Mark: [Jim remains silent as Mark takes his mask off, talking to Selena] Completely humorless. You two should get on, like a house on fire.

[Jim asks Selena and Mark about the government]

Jim: What about the government?

Selena: There's no government.

Jim: Of course there's a government! There's always a government. They're in, a bunker or a plane.

Mark: No, there's no government. No police. No Army. No TV. No radio. No electricity. You're the first uninfected person we've seen in six days.

[Jim tells Selena and Mark what he did before waking up in the hospital]

Jim: Look, I'm a bicycle carrier. I was riding a package from, uh, Farringdon to Shaftesbury Avenue, and a car cuts across me. Then, I wake up today in a hospital. I wake up and I'm - I'm hallucinating, or I'm...

Mark: What's your name?

Jim: Jim.

Mark: I'm Mark, this is Selena.

Mark: [Jim remains silent] Okay, Jim. I've got some bad news.

[Mark tells Jim and Selena the story about his family from when the infection began]

Mark: I remember my dad had all this cash, even though cash was completely useless. About 20,000 other people had the same idea. The crowd was surging. I lost my grip on my sister's hand. I remember the ground was soft. I looked down, and I was standing on all these people, like a carpet. People who had fallen, and somewhere in the crowd, there were infected. It spread fast. No one could run, all you could do was climb... climb over more people. So, I did that, I climbed and I got up on top of this Kiosk. Looking down, you couldn't tell which faces were infected, and which weren't. Then, I saw my dad, not my mum or my sister. My dad. His face... Selena's right. You should be grateful.

[Jim asks Mark about his family]

Jim: Where's your family?

Mark: They're dead, like Selena's.

Selena: Yours will be dead, too.

[Mark tells Jim the two lessons to survive]

Mark: So, lesson one - You never go anywhere alone, unless you've got no choice. And lesson two - Only travel during daylight, unless you've got no choice. We'll take you tomorrow. We'll all go and find your dead parents together, okay?

Judy: Vicky... you're, you're getting your master's in something within...

Vicky: Yeah, my master's in, uh, Catalan identity.

Judy: Ah well.

Mark: What do you plan on doing with that?

Vicky: Oh... God, I don't know, uh, maybe teaching, maybe curating.

Judy: Well... you don't have to do something, you know.But she's marrying this wonderful man in the fall and all of her conflicts will be resolved when he makes her pregnant.

[about his parents message on the answering machine]

Mark: There are times when we're dirt broke, hungry, and freezing, and I ask myself, why the hell am I still living here?

[beat]

Mark: And then they call. And I remember.

Roger Davis, Mark: [On answering machine] Speeeeeeeeeeeak.

[Beep]

Mark: Where'd you learn to tango?

Joanne: With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dorm room at Miss Porter's. And you?

Mark: With Nanette Himmelfarb, the Rabbi's daughter, at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center.

[first lines]

Mark, Angel, Maureen, Roger, Collins, Benjamin Coffin III, Mimi: Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love... seasons of love.

Collins: In honor of the death of Bohemia, an improtu salon will commence immediately following dinner. Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the eleventh street lot, will sing Native American tribal chants backwards through her vocorder, while accompanying herself on the electric chello, which she ain't never studied.

Roger: And Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on high holy days.

Mark: Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sound of iced tea being stirred. And Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song.

Roger: [picks up a guitar and plays]

Mark: That doesn't remind us of Musetta's Waltz.

Collins: Angel Dumont Schunard will model the latest fall fashions from Paris while accomanying herself on the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub.

Angel: And Collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist, including the tale of his successful reprogramming of the MIT virtural reality equipment to self-destruct as it broadcast the words:

All: Actual reality! Act up! Fight AIDS!

Mark: [sung] The opposite of war isn't peace!

Joanne: What is?

Mark: It's creation!

Roger: How do you start a fire when there's nothing to burn, and it feels like something's stuck in your flue?

Mark: How can you generate heat when you can't feel your feet...

Roger, Mark: And they're turning blue?

Mark: [setting one of his old scripts alight] You light up a mean blaze...

Roger: [adding one of his old posters] With posters...

Mark: And screenplays!

Roger, Mark: How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay... last year's rent!

Mark: ...and then there was the time he walked up to this group of tourists and they were petrified because A they were obviously lost, and B had probably never spoken to a drag queen before in their lives... and he... she just offered to escort them out of Alphabet City... and then she let them take a picture with her and then she said she'd help 'em find the Circle Line...

Roger: Zoom in on my empty wallet.

Mark: Touché.

Mark, Angel, Mimi: Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens, carcinogens, hallucinocens, men, Pee Wee Herman! German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein, Antoniotti, Bertolucci, Kurosawa, Carmina Burana!

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] I can't control

Roger Davis: [Sung] Control your temper

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] My destiny

Roger Davis: [Sung] She doesn't see

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] I trust my soul

Roger Davis: [Sung] Who says that there's a soul

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] My only goal, is just to be

Roger Davis: Just let me be!

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung in time with Roger] There's only now, there's only here. Give into love, or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today.

Roger Davis: [Sung] Who do you think you are? Barging in on me and my guitar. Little girl hey, the door is that way.

Mimi: [Sung] No day but today.

Roger Davis: [Sung] The fire's dead anyway.

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] No day but today.

Roger Davis: [Sung] Take your powder, take your candle.

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] No day but today.

Roger Davis: [Sung] Take your brown eyes, your pretty smile, your silouette.

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] No day but today.

Roger Davis: [Sung] Another time, another place, another round, a warm embrace.

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] No day but today.

Roger Davis: [Sung] Another dance another way, another chance, another day

Collins, Mark, Mimi, Angel: [Sung] No day but today.

[sung]

Mark: To days of inspiration, playing hookey, making something out of nothing, the need to express, to communicate. To going against the grain, going insane, going mad. To loving tension, no pension, to more than one dimension, to starving for attention, hating convention, hating pretension, not to mention, of course, hating dear old Mom and Dad. To riding your bike midday past the three-piece suits. To fruits, to no absolutes, to "Absolut." To choice, to the "Village Voice," to any passing fad. To being an "Us" for once, instead of a "Them." La vie BohËme.

Mark: [after opening song] December 24th, 1989, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time. From here on in, I shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it, instead of my old shit.

Mark: [sings] There is no future. There is no past.

Roger: [sings] Thank God this moment's not the last.

Roger, Mimi: [sings] There's only us... there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

Life Cafe Manager: [Mark, Maureen, Joanne, Mimi, Angel, and Collins walk into the Life Cafe] Oh, no. Please, no. No. Not tonight. Please leave.

Mark: What are you talking about? Why?

Life Cafe Manager: Because you sit here all night and you never order anything.

Mark: That's a lie. Just last week I had a tea.

Life Cafe Manager: You couldn't pay.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

Angel: Tonight we can.

[Holding up money]

Angel: Ka-pow.

Mimi, Angel: [sung] To hand crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese. To leather, to dildoes, to curry vindaloo. To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou.

Collins, Maureen: [sung] Emotion, devotion to causing a commotion. Creation, vacation...

Mark: [sung] Mucho masturbation.

Mark: [throwing music posters into the fire] The music ignites the night with passionate fire!

Roger Davis: [adding Mark's screenplays to the blaze] The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit!

Mark: How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day? Headlines, breadlines blow my mind, and now this deadline - eviction or pay... rent!

Roger: How do you write a song when the chords sound wrong, though they once sounded right and rare? When the notes are sour, where is the power you once had to ignite the air?

Mark: We're hungry and frozen...

Roger: Some life that we've chosen!

Mark, Roger: How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay, how we gonna pay... last year's rent!

Mark: [sung] How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?

Roger: We got power.

Mark: Oh. Merry Christmas.

All: To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross-dressers too!

Maureen: To ME!

Mark: To ME!

All: To you, and you, and you, you, and you! To people living with, living with, living with- not dying from disease!

All: [sung] No other road / No other way / No day but today

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I can't control / My destiny

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] Will I lose my dignity / Will someone care

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I trust my soul / My only goal / Is just to be

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] Will I wake tomorrow / From this nightmare

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] Without you / The hand gropes

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] There's only now / There's only here

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] The ear hears / The pulse beats

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] Give in to love / Or live in fear

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] Life goes on / But I'm gone

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No other path / No other way

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] 'Cause I die / Without you / I die without you

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I die without you / I die without you

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

Mimi, Joanne, Maureen: [sung] I die without you / I die without you

Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Benjamin Coffin III: [sung] No day but today / No day but today

All: [sung] NO DAY BUT TODAY!

Collins: Ooh, Maureen dumped you?

Mark: Yes, she dumped me. For a lawyer named Joanne.

[choked laughter]

Mark: We don't need your charity.

[hands Ben a cheque]

Mark: It should cover us a little while.

Benjamin Coffin III: Where'd you get this?

Mark: It's my first advance.

Benjamin Coffin III: Okay, congratulations.

Maureen: Look, gimme that, I'm sick and tired of you always carrying that around

[takes camera]

Mark: Maureen, no! Your gonna break it!

Maureen: [while filming Mark and slightly running from him] Hey Mark! Happy New Years, Mark!

Mark: No! This is NOT my barmitzvah give it back to me!

Mark: [as they Tango] It's hard to do this backwards.

Joanne: You should try it in heels.

Mark: [teasing her] Pookie!

Joanne: [looks at him, annoyed] Shut up!

Mark: Has she ever pouted her lips and called you Pookie?

Joanne: Never.

Mark: Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?

Joanne: This is spooky.

Mark: [yelling out window] Hey Collins! Don't get your ass kicked this time!

Mark, Roger: [answering machine] Speak.

Mark, Roger: I don't own emotion, I rent.

Mark: [sung] We're dying in America at the end of the millennium. We're dying in America to come into our own. And when you're dying in America, at the end of the millennium, you're not alone.

Mark: Angel... I hear you, I hear it, I see it-I see it, my film!

Roger: [staggered with Mark] Mimi... I see you, I see it, I hear it-I hear it, my song!

Mark: Alexi, Mark. Call me a hypocrite, I need to finish my own film!

Roger: [staggered with Mark] One song glory... Mimi, your eyes!

Mark: I quit!

Mark, Roger: Dying in America!

Mark: And who are you two supposed to be?

Collins: Bond, James Bond.

Angel: And Pussy Galore... in person.

Joanne: Didn't give an inch, when I gave a mile!

Mark: Come on!

Mimi: I gave a mile!

Roger: Gave a mile to who?

Mark: This is not my bar mitzvah!

Joanne: [about Maureen] She cheated...

Mark: She cheated.

Joanne: Maureen cheated...

Mark: Fucking cheated.

Joanne: I'm defeated, I should give up right now.

Mark: Gotta look on the bright side with all of your might...

Joanne: I'd fall for her still, anyhow.

Joanne, Mark: When you're dancing her dance you don't stand a chance. Her grip on romance makes you fall.

Mark: So you think, "Might as well - "

Joanne: Dance a tango to Hell.

Joanne, Mark: At least I'll have tangoed at all.

Mark: Actually... I feel great now.

Joanne: I feel lousy.

Collins, Mark, Maureen, Mimi, Joanne, Angel, Roger Davis: To people living with, living with, living with... not dying from disease. Let he among us without sin be the first to condem La Vie Boheme.

Joanne: [sung] This is weird.

Mark: [sung] It's weird.

Joanne: [sung] Very weird

Mark: [sung] Fucking weird.

Joanne: [sung] I'm so mad that I don't know what to do. Fighting with microphones, freezing down to my bones, and to top it all off, I'm with you!

Mark: [sung] Feel like going insane? Got a fire in your brain, and you're thinking of drinking gasoline?

Joanne: [sung] As a matter of fact...

Mark: [sung] Honey, I know this act: It's called the Tango: Maureen.

Angel: Today for you, tomorrow for me!

Tom: And you should hear her beat.

Mark: You earned this on the street?

Angel: It was my lucky day today on Avenue A when the lady in the limousine drove my way - she said, "Darling, be a dear - haven't slept in a year! I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear! This akita - Evita - just won't shut up! I believe if you play nonstop that pup will breathe its very last high-strung breath. I'm certain that cur will bark itself to death!"

Maureen: [in a very slinky rubber cat suit on New Year's Eve - talking to Mark's camera] Hii-yah! Whatchu want, huh?

Mark: [Filming her] You can take the girl outta Hicksville, but you can't take the Hicksville outta the girl.

Mark: I just sold my soul.

Joanne: Yeah, for $3000 a segment!

Joanne: [sung] She cheated!

Mark: [sung] She cheated!

Joanne: [sung] Maureen cheated!

Mark: [sung] Fucking cheated!

Mark: [sung] To love attention, no pension, to more than one dimension, to starving for attention hating convention hating pretension, not to mention of course, hating dear old Mom and Dad.

Mark: How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out till you're torn apart - rent!

Mark, Tenants, Roger: How can you connect in an age where strangers, landlords, lovers, your own blood cells betray? What binds the fabric together when the raging, shifting winds of change keep ripping away?

Benjamin Coffin III: Draw a line in the sand and then make your stand...

Roger: Use your camera to spar!

Mark: Use your guitar!

Mark, Tenants, Roger: When they act tough, you call their bluff. We're not gonna pay... we're not gonna pay... We're not gonna pay... last year's rent! This year's rent! Next year's rent! Rent, rent, rent, re-ent, rent! We're not gonna pay rent! Cause everything is rent!

Benjamin Coffin III: [about Maureen] Still dating her?

Mark: Last month I was dumped.

Benjamin Coffin III: She's got a new man?

Mark: Well, no.

Benjamin Coffin III: What's his name?

Mark, Roger: Joanne.

Joanne, Collins, Mark, Angel, Mimi, Maureen, Roger, Benjamin Coffin III: All Its time now to sing out, though the story never ends. Lets celebrate remember the year of the life of friends. Remember the love.

Joanne: You got to, you got to remember the love.

Collins, Mark, Angel, Mimi, Maureen, Roger, Benjamin Coffin III: Remember the love.

Joanne: You know that love us a gift from up above.

Collins, Mark, Angel, Mimi, Maureen, Roger, Benjamin Coffin III: Remember the love.

Joanne: Share love, give love, spread love.

Joanne: [sung] Did you swoon when she walked through the door?

Mark: [sung] Every time, so be... cautious.

Joanne: [sung] Did she moon over other boys?

Mark: [sung] More than moon.

Joanne: [sung] I'm getting nauseuous.

Collins, Mark, Roger, Angel, Ali, Paul, Steve, Pam: [sung] Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?

Mark: Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes. Here she lies, no one knew her worth. The late, great daughter of Mother-Earth. On these nights, when we celebrate the birth, in that little town of Bethlehem, we raise our glass, you bet your ass to La Vie - - Boheme.

Mark: [sung] Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

Mark: Hey look, all our shit's back.

Mark: Pookie

Collins, Mark, Maureen, Roger, Mimi, Joanne: No day but today!

Mark, Mimi: Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow off Auntie Em

All: La vie Boheme!

Mark: That's a lie; just last week I had a tea.

Life Cafe Waiter: You couldn't pay.

Mark: Oh yeah...

Angel: Well tonight, we can. Kapow!

Angel: New York City.

Mark: Uh-huh.

Angel: Center of the universe.

Collins: Sang it, girl!

Angel: Times are shitty, but I'm pretty sure they can't get worse.

Roger: I hear that.

Angel: It's a comfort to know, when you're singing the hit-the-road blues...

[sung]

Angel: That anywhere else you could possibly go after New York would be

[whispered]

Angel: a pleasure cruise!

Collins: Now you're talkin'!

Mark: Come on guys, chill!

Benjamin Coffin III: Hey. Bum. Get your ass off the Range Rover.

Mark: Hey, Benny, that attitude toward the homeless is exactly what Maureen is protesting.

Benjamin Coffin III: Maureen is protesting losing her performance space. Not my attitude.

Mark: Admit it, Ray. You've never liked farming.

Ray Kinsella: That's not true.

Mark: It is true. You don't know the first thing about farming.

Ray Kinsella: Yes I do. I know a lot about farming. I know more than you think I know.

Mark: Then how could you plow under your major crop?

Ray Kinsella: [feigning puzzlement at this word] What's a crop?

Mark: And who is this?

Ray Kinsella: That's Terence Mann.

Mark: Hi. How're you doing? I'm the Easter Bunny.

[after Dr. Graham crosses the foul line to help save Karin]

Mark: [suddenly able to see the White Sox players] Where did all of these baseball players come from?

Mark: You build a baseball field, and you sit here, and stare at NOTHING.

[Mark goes out to the field, where Ray and Karin are watching the players]

Mark: So, I thought you were going to watch some game?

Ray Kinsella: Well, it's more of a practice since there's only eight of them.

Mark: Eight of what?

Ray Kinsella: [motioning toward the players] Them.

Mark: [looking around at the field, unable to see the players] Who them?

Ray Kinsella: [emphatically, not realizing that Mark can't see the players] Them them.

Mark: When did these ballplayers get here?

Mark: You're going to lose your farm, pal.

Ray Kinsella: Come on, it's so big - I mean, how can you lose something so big?

Annie Kinsella: He misplaced the house once.

Ray Kinsella: Yeah, but it turned up two days later, didn't it?

Mark: [after seeing Doc Graham appear, mouthing in disbelief] What the f...

[Mark heads towards Uncle Wallace's work study to tell him that Henry caused the freeway accident]

Henry: [Henry comes up behind Mark outside of his father's work study] Go ahead, tell him. Or better yet, why don't we tell him together?

[Henry quotes himself sounding like an innocent child]

Henry: It was Mark, Dad. He talked me into it. We were just playing a game. I had no idea he was gonna do something like that. Please, Dad, go easy on him. It's not his fault he's all screwed up 'cause he misses his Mom. What are we waiting for? Let's go.

[Henry opens the door with them two outside the room]

Henry: Dad, Mark has something to tell ya!

Wallace Evans: [Mark runs off to go upstairs] What is it? What's wrong with Mark?

Henry: I don't know. He's been acting pretty weird. I'd better go see if he's okay.

[the camera cuts to Henry entering the upstairs bedroom where Mark is]

Henry: I told my Dad I'd see if you're okay. Well, are you okay, Mark?

Mark: Leave me alone.

Henry: Leave you alone? This is my room.

Connie Evans: [Connie runs into Henry's room] Guess what? Mom says we can go skating tomorrow.

Henry: Connie, what did I tell you about coming into my room?

Connie Evans: But you guys weren't working or anything.

Henry: You didn't answer my question, so I'm gonna have to do it for you.

Connie Evans: [Henry pulls on Connie's ears making her cry] Ow!

Henry: You're not allowed to come into my room. Not now, not ever! Never!

Mark: [Mark grabs and slams Henry into the wall by his shoulders] You're wrong about that! This is my room too. And I say she can stay.

Connie Evans: [both boys start to grab and pull on each other's hair as Connie runs out, still up against the wall] Mom, Mom, they're fighting!

Henry: [continuing to pull each other's hair] You like my sister, don't you? Such a sweet little girl. Too bad if something were to happen to her, if she got hurt. You'd be sad, wouldn't you, Mark? But, hey, accidents will happen. Just ask my mom about Richard.

Susan: [Susan arrives upstairs when the boys let go of each other] Boys, boys! Henry! What's going on?

Henry: I'm sorry, Mom. We were playing this really dumb game. We weren't fighting. We were just playing. Weren't we, Mark?

Mark: [pauses before answering] Yeah, playing.

Susan: Well, all right, but just not so rough, okay? You two looked like you were trying to kill each other.

[Susan walks out of the room as Henry just stares back at Mark]

[Alice finds Mark sitting at the park]

Alice: Susan told me you were here. I guess you forgot our appointment.

Mark: I just didn't feel like talking.

Alice: Talking helps. It helped the last time, didn't it?

Mark: You're a Doctor. You know things.

Alice: Well, some things.

Mark: What do you think? What makes people evil?

Alice: Evil is a word people use when they've given up trying to understand someone. There's a reason for everything if we could just find it.

Mark: What if there isn't a reason? What if something just is?

Alice: Why, Mark? Do you think you're evil? 'Cause you let your mother die? You that's not true.

Mark: What if there was this boy and he did these terrible things because he liked doing them? Wouldn't you say he was evil?

Alice: I don't believe in evil.

Mark: You should.

[Henry finds Mark in the treehouse when he opens up about seeing his family counselor]

Henry: You sure missed an interesting session. I like therapy.

Mark: What did you tell her?

Henry: Sorry, that's strictly confidential. But you'd better stop telling lies about me, because no one's going to believe you.

Mark: Sooner or later they're going to find out about you.

Henry: Who's they? My dad? My mom?

Mark: I told your mom.

Henry: Why would she believe you? She's my mom, not yours.

Mark: You know, you're wrong about that. She is my mother.

Henry: Your mom? You crazy? Your mom's maggot food.

Mark: My mom said she'd always be with me. She chose your mom as a way of coming back, but I guess it would be hard for you to understand that. But it's true. She's my mother now.

[Mark starts to head down out of the treehouse]

Henry: Hey, Mark.

[Mark pauses on the rope]

Henry: Don't fuck with me.

[Mark continues to slide down the rope of the treehouse as Henry watches him]

[Mark tries to tell Susan the truth about Henry]

Mark: There's something I have to tell you.

Susan: What?

Mark: I'm not sure. I wasn't real close. At the pond - I don't think what happened at the pond was an accident.

Susan: What do you mean?

Mark: The ice was too thin. Henry was spinning her around. They were going way too fast... and then he just let go. He threw her told the thin ice.

Susan: Mark.

Mark: Henry said he hated her.

Susan: What are you trying to tell me?

Mark: I've told you. I'm telling you. Connie didn't just slip. You don't know what he is. Henry tried to kill Connie and he can do it again...

Susan: [Susan slaps Mark across the face with tears in her eyes] Oh! Stop it! Stop it, that's a lie.

[Susan grabs and hugs onto Mark]

Susan: Henry is my son. He's my little boy and I love him. Don't ever come to me with these lies again.

[Henry takes Mark to the Well in the cemetery]

Mark: [Mark looks down into the Well as Henry pulls out a wooden box from his pocket] Hey, cool. What you got in the box?

Henry: [Henry pulls out a lighter and cigarette, lighting it to hand over to Mark] Go on.

Mark: They give you cancer.

Henry: Who cares? You're gonna die anyways.

[Mark takes a smoke and uncontrollably coughs]

Henry: [the two kids stand up and walk around the rim of the Well]

Henry: Did you see your mom after she was dead?

Mark: I wanted to, but they wouldn't let me.

Henry: You should've made them let you. It's very important. See, people don't like to talk about death. So that's why you have to investigate. It's scientific.

Mark: It doesn't feel like that.

Henry: What did your mom look like the last time you saw her?

Mark: Kinda pale.

Henry: Kinda pale. I took a real good look when my kid brother Richie drowned in the bathtub.

Mark: Your brother drowned?

Henry: He was completely blue. You should've looked at her eyes and lips. And touched her skin to see what it felt like - Hot, cold.

Mark: Shut up about my mom.

Henry: Hey, don't get mad. I'm just trying to be scientific.

Mark: Just shut up or I'll hit you.

Henry: Try it...

[Henry throws his cigarette down into the silent Well]

Henry: ... and I'll throw you down there.

Mark: Oh, yeah?

[the two kids stare at each other before Henry apologizes]

[Mark talks to his mom in the hospital bed]

Janice: Mark? Hi, sweetie.

Mark: Hi, mom.

Janice: Why didn't you wake me?

Mark: I thought you should sleep.

Janice: I rather see you. Has dad told you everything?

Mark: Yeah.

Janice: I know you'll be okay.

Mark: Mom...

Janice: I'll always be with you, Mark. I love you.

Mark: I love you, mom.

[there's a mom when the mom falls back to sleep]

Mark: You're not going to die, Mom. I promise. You're not gonna die 'cause I won't let you.

[the scene cuts to Mark at his mother's funeral]

[Mark finds Henry looking at the mirror in his bedroom with tears down his eyes]

Henry: Mark, did you cry at your Mom's funeral.

Mark: Why?

Henry: I don't know. I figured you're expected to cry at your Mom's funeral, but I don't know.

Mark: You wouldn't.

Henry: Wouldn't what?

Mark: Hurt her.

Henry: Do you really think I'd hurt my own... Oh, wait.

Mark: What?

Henry: I just remembered. She's not my mom anymore, she's yours. Isn't that what you said? She's your mother now.

Mark: Yeah.

Henry: Your Mom, my Mom... What the hell? We'll both miss her.

Mark: I'll kill you first.

Henry: Poor, Mark. So violent, so disturbed. If you don't watch out, they're gonna lock you up.

Mark: [Mark dashes for a pair of scissors and holds them to Henry's neck] I could kill you now.

Henry: Go ahead. Jam it in. Gotta push pretty hard though. The blood'll go right across the room. Come on. Come on.

Wallace Evans: Henry, have you seen...

Henry: Dad, Dad! Help me!

Wallace Evans: [Uncle Wallace pulls Mark off of Henry and looks at him face-to-face] Mark! What the hell do you think you were doing? Answer me, goddamn it!

Henry: Don't be mad at Mark, he's just not himself.

Wallace Evans: This is serious, Mark. You could have hurt him.

Mark: He's the one who wants to hurt people!

Henry: Mark, I'm sorry you don't want to be friends.

[Uncle Wallace takes Mark downstairs by the arm]

[Mark and Henry run up to Henry's ladder and very high treehouse]

Henry: Afraid of heights?

Mark: No.

Henry: Good. See you at the top. You coming?

Mark: Sure.

[the two begin to climb the ladder to the very top]

Henry: Come on, it's easy.

Mark: Help me up.

[Mark struggles and the branch for his footing breaks, Mark dangles high up barely able to hold onto Henry's hand]

Henry: [Henry asks Mark very directly] If I let you go, do you think that you can fly?

Mark: [Mark murmurs out very scared] Help.

[Henry finally helps Mark all the way into the treehouse as the two kids laugh]

[Henry's parents leave as the kids begin a game of Hide-And-Seek]

Connie Evans: Mark! Mark! Guess what we're gonna play. Hide-And-Seek and I'm hiding first.

Mark: No, Connie, wait! I've got a better idea!

[Mark goes running after Connie upstairs]

Henry: [Henry from upstairs] I bet I find her first.

[as the parents drive away Henry turns off the breakers to the entire house]

Mark: [Mark looks all over the house for Connie in the dark] Connie, where are you? Connie? Connie!

Mark: [Mark screams when he finds Henry, who startles Mark by shining a flashlight into his face] Hey, no fair!

Henry: No fair? What do you think this is, a game?

[Henry clicks the flashlight off]

[Mark talks to Henry about how he used him for the overpass accident]

Mark: Do you know what you did?

Henry: Hey, come on. We did it together.

Mark: You could have killed people.

Henry: With your help.

Mark: Hey, I didn't know you were going to do that.

Henry: I feel sorry for you, Mark. You just don't know how to have fun.

Mark: What?

Henry: It's because you're scared all the time. I know. I used to be scared too. But that was before I found out.

Mark: Found out what?

Henry: That once you realize that you can do anything, you're free. You could fly. Nobody can touch you. Nobody. Mark... don't be afraid to fly.

Mark: You're sick.

Henry: Hey, I promised you something amazing, something you'll never forget. Where's the gratitude?

[Mark stares at the empty look in Henry's face]

[Mark talks to Connie while building a puzzle together]

Mark: Okay, all right, you got a piece. Now... it's got blue on it.

Connie Evans: So it has to be the sky.

Mark: Right, and it's got a straight edge.

Connie Evans: So it has to go here.

[points for the puzzle piece to fit in]

Mark: Hey, you got it. All right!

Connie Evans: Mark.

Mark: Yeah?

Connie Evans: Do you like living in our house?

Mark: Sure.

Connie Evans: We're gonna look after you real good, so you won't be sad.

[the two smile at each other when Henry walks into the room]

Henry: Mark, 0900 hours. Let's move out!

Henry: [Connie stands up when Henry pushes her out of the way] Not you.

Connie Evans: Why not? He's my friend, too.

Mark: [Henry drags Mark by the arm as the two run outside] I'll play with you later!

Connie Evans: I don't care about your stupid secrets! I got my own secrets! And I'm not gonna tell you a single one!

[the two boys continue to run off]

[Mark wakes up late at night only to find the kitchen fridge door open]

Henry: [Henry appears behind Mark] Looking for a midnight snack? Go ahead. Eat, drink. Don't let me stop you.

Mark: What did you do?

Henry: Do? Me? Oh, I get it. You think I put something in my family's food. You think I - Mark, come on. Do you really think I'd do a thing like that?

Henry: [Henry wakes up his parents] Mom, Dad, it's Mark! Better come quick!

[Mark stands over the kitchen sick dumping and stabbing food into the garbage disposal]

Susan: No, Mark, stop. Honey, stop, stop.

Mark: No, please, you don't understand.

Susan: I know it's a hard time...

Mark: [shouts out] He's trying to poison you!

Susan: Oh, Mark.

Mark: No!

[Uncle Wallace and Henry stand outside of the kitchen watching Mark look crazy]

[Mark reads Connie a bedtime story to fall asleep]

Mark: [Mark reading the last lines of the bedtime story] Good night, little girls! Thank the Lord you are well! And now go to sleep! Said Miss Clavel. She turned out the lights - And closed the door - And that's all there is - And nothing more.

Henry: [Mark turns out the light and tucks Connie into bed, when he begins to walk out of the bedroom and see's Henry standing outside Connie's door] That was a darling story, Mark.

Mark: [Henry tries to walk pass Mark] What are you doing?

Henry: I wanna tuck in my kid sister.

Henry: [Henry forces his way pass Mark as the two stare down at Connie asleep] Such a sweet little thing. Do you really think I'd hurt her?

Mark: Yes.

Henry: What are you going to do? Watch her all night?

[last lines]

Mark: [narrating] Henry is gone and the rest of us are safe. But sometimes, late at night, I find myself thinking - Not about Henry, but about Susan - And wondering, if she had it to do over, would she make the same choice? I guess I'll always wonder. But I know I'll never ask.

[the scene ends with Mark standing out in the desert alone]

[Henry and Mark take the bolt-shooting gun out again]

Henry: Status?

Mark: System armed and ready. Um... try to hit that sign.

Henry: Negative.

Mark: Try to hit that light.

Henry: Negative.

[Henry see's the rabid-looking dog from before running along the bridge over the water]

Henry: Targeting.

Mark: What are you doing? What are you doing!

[Henry pauses, pulling the trigger, hearing the dog cry in the distance]

Mark: Oh my God!

Henry: [the two kids stare off into the distance quietly] I was only trying to scare him.

[the camera cuts to the boys carrying the dead dog to the cemetery, where they throw the dog down into the silent Well]

Henry: [Henry begins humming Taps as the two kids stare down into the Well, Mark walks off] Hey, Mark, where's your sense of humor?

[Henry continues humming]

[Mark heads to the family counselor Alice, where he talks about his feelings]

Alice: You know, this is a nice change. Most of my patients - All they want to do is talk.

Mark: Well, I just don't have anything else to say.

Alice: Your dad thinks you do.

Mark: He wants me to talk about my mom.

Alice: Sometimes it helps.

Mark: I can handle it.

Alice: You can?

Mark: I have to.

Alice: Why?

Mark: Because when you make a promise... when something's your fault...

Alice: What did you do?

Mark: I let someone die.

[Henry takes Mark into his shed]

Mark: So what do you wanna show me?

Henry: I want you to meet somebody, somebody very special.

Mark: Who is he?

Henry: [Henry turns around the chair] Mr. Highway.

Mark: Wow. What are you going to do with him?

Henry: That depends.

Mark: On what?

Henry: On you - Whether or not you'll help me.

Mark: Help you?

Henry: I promise you something amazing, something you'll never forget. Are you in?

[Mark helps Henry with the fake life-size dummy Mr. Highway, carrying Mr. Highway across hills and roads, surrounded with the snow-covered woods]

Mark: Where are we going?

Henry: We're here.

[the two arrive to a freeway overpass]

Henry: Here - Help me rest him up here.

Mark: Okay.

[the kids set Mr. Highway on the edge of the overpass, overlooking a long line of cars driving on the freeway]

Henry: [Henry talks to Mr. Highway] Come on, Mr. Highway. Take a look.

[pause]

Henry: Poor Mr. Highway. He's thinking about the end. He's had enough of this terrible life.

Mark: What?

Henry: Say goodbye!

[Henry pushes Mr. Highway off the ramp]

Mark: [screaming] No!

[Henry stares down at the massive car pileup that results before the two kids run off]

[Jack drives Mark to the sister's house]

Jack: Hey, you - Co-Pilot if you're ever tired of bombing the universe, you're missing a lot of great stuff out here.

Jack: [Jack pulls over and turns off the engine] Mark, I know you're hurting, but please don't shut me out like this.

Mark: She's coming back.

Jack: No, Mark.

Mark: Maybe not as herself, but she's gonna come back.

Jack: Mark, I miss her too. But she's gone.

Mark: No.

Jack: Mark. Mark!

[Mark runs out into the desert]

[Henry and Mark take a walk along a bridge over the water when they notice a rabid-looking dog running full speed at them from behind]

Henry: Nice knowin' ya!

[Mark screams uncontrollably and falls down but continues to get up and run]

Henry: Come on!

[Henry and Mark both make it to the gate and lock the dog over the bridge, when Henry chooses to get in the dog's face and begins to bark back]

Mark: Henry, come on! Let's go.

Henry: [the two walk on] I love that dog.

[Henry introduces Mark to his invention in the shed, a bolt-shooting gun]

Mark: Awesome! What does it do?

[the scene cuts to Henry and Mark trying out the gun in the woods]

Henry: It took me three months to make it. Beautiful, huh?

Mark: Yeah.

Henry: You pull the cable back to here then you load over there. Grab a bolt. Go ahead - Lock and load.

[Mark loads up a rusty old bolt]

Henry: Now we... line up kitty cat.

Mark: Don't hit her! Just give her a scare.

Henry: Sure.

[Henry focuses by taking a deep breath before shooting the bolt, missing the cat only by inches as the bolt gets stuck in the tree]

Mark: What a great shot!

Henry: Yeah, but the sight's not right yet.

[as Henry stares into the distance of where the cat ran off to]

[Mark tosses and turns in bed quietly crying for his mother]

Mark: [a figure in white passes by the bedroom door] Mom?

Mark: [Mark gets up to follow the white figure down the stairs] Mom?

Susan: [Susan then turns around in her white night gown] Mark?

[Mark sits at the bottom of the stairs in tears]

Susan: Honey... What's the matter?

Mark: It is you. You came back. I knew you'd come back.

Susan: Oh, sweetheart. I'm right here.

[Susan sits with Mark]

Susan: Okay? I'm right here.

[Mark cries in Susan's arms as she rocks him back and forth whispering to him]

Susan: Oh, it's okay. Shh, it's okay. Oh, baby, it's alright. I'm right here. I'm right here.

[Mark continues to cry]

Susan: I know you miss her. I know you do. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. It's okay. It's okay.

[the camera moves to the second floor balcony, where we see Henry staring down at both Mark and his mother]

[first lines]

Man: [Mark plays soccer with his teammates as they cheer Mark's name] Get the ball!

Mark: Pass it to me!

Boy: Shoot it! Hit it in! Hit it in!

Mark: [Mark scores the goal] Yes! Yes!

Boy: Good goal! Good game.

Mark: [as he's dying] Am I going to keep falling forever?

Mark: You look ugly. You've hardened. For the first time, you look vulgar to me.

Heinrich: There is nothing to fear except God, whatever that means to you.

Mark: For me, God is a disease.

Heinrich: That's why through a disease we can reach God.

Mark: Do you want me to break down the bloody door?

Heinrich: You don't have to it's open.

Mark: Love isn't something you can just switch from channel to channel.

Mark: If you want to stay, make that call.

Mark: You know, when I'm away from you, I think of you as a monster or a woman possessed, and then I see you again and all this disappears.

Mark: When I was a boy my dog crawled out onto the porch to die. Before the end it yelped, as if it had seen something real.

Anna: Do you believe in God?

Mark: God.

Anna: It's in me.

Mark: [to Anna] You're my whole family.

Helen: Will you promise me something?

Mark: Yes.

Helen: Whatever it is.

Mark: I promise.

Mark: The bar on the corner? I know it. Bleed for a while. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Mark: I have become wise, and solemn, and good.

Mark: If I lay at your feet and yelped like a dog would you still step over me?

Anna: Yes.

Mark: [to Heinrich] You believe in God, don't you? That God you try to get to through fucking or dope.

Mark: Maybe what you saw was God, and you didn't know it.

[repeated line from the recording]

Mark: He'd kill us if he got the chance.

[about a bum on a park bench]

Ann: Every time I see one of those old guys, I always think the same thing.

Mark: What do you think?

Ann: I always think that he was once somebody's baby boy. Really, I do. I think he was once somebody's baby boy, and he had a mother and a father who loved him, and now there he is, half dead on a park bench, and where are his mother or his father, all his uncles now?

[first lines]

Passerby: Well, I want to go over to my place and start, you know, getting it on...

Ann: Oh, that's terrible.

Mark: Yeah. Do you ever, uh... ballet?

Ann: Be thankful. Do you have a quarter for them?

Mark: Yes, I do.

Ann: [gives it to street band]

Ann: What about me?

Mark: You'll see.

Ann: A lot of fun you are. You're supposed to tease me, give hints, make me guess, you know.

Mark: Does it bother you?

Ann: What?

Mark: Walking around in circles.

Mark: You prayed and believed your whole life. Never done anything wrong. And here you are. You're the nicest person I know. I am the meanest. You have dementia. My life is perfect. Explain that to me!

Mina's Mother: Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late.

Mark: Love is the most overused word in the English language. It's what we say when we want something, when we need something.

[first lines]

Mark: What you're doing?

Jennifer: I'm walking.

Mark: [on Grace's confusing Jack for Jim] As a matter of fact I've never been able to tell them apart either. They're both colored, and they both got curly hair.

Mark: Would you like to go with me?

Daria: Where?

Mark: Wherever I'm going.

Daria: Are you *really* asking?

Mark: Is that your *real* answer?

[after Mark meets a girl on the street]

Fellow radical: Who was that?

Mark: A girl from my long-gone past.

Fellow radical: What's her name?

Mark: Alice - she's my sister.

Daria: Hey, guy, you want a smoke?

Mark: You know, you're taking to a guy under discipline.

Daria: What's that?

Mark: This group I was in had rules against smoking. They were into a reality trip.

Daria: What a drag!

Mark: I always knew it'd be like this.

Daria: Us?

Mark: The Desert.

Mark: Isaac... Isaac, you're ripping the whole book.

Isaac: Yeah.

Mark: Thats Eddie Dutra, He's about as much fun as a rabid dog.

Ray: She took his dinner in to him once. Me mum, in the pub, and plonked it in front of him on a tray. Knife and fork, salt and pepper. He said, "What's that?" She said, "It's your dinner. I thought you might be hungry. You ain't eaten for three fucking days. You live in here, you might as well fucking eat in here." It's funny. He didn't like that, did he? Mugged him up in front of his mates. Thought more of them cunts than he did us. Lovely. Yeah. She got a clump over that. Well, she would, wouldn't she? He was always pissed in there, weren't he? You know? We go in the pub to get our living, you know? That's where we do our business. He'd be there spunking out while we're sitting at home without a dinar, you know, thank you. And he'd promise things. You know? Promise to take us places, you know? Never did. Never took us anywhere. And when he did bother to come home he'd sit in that fucking chair, doss off with his tray in his lap. And I'd just stand there looking at him. I'd look in his face, and my mother'd go upstairs, and I'd say, "Say, Mum, ain't Daddy coming to bed?" And she'd say, "No. No, he's all right, son. He'll come up when he wakes up." He's gotta wake up to go to bed! Now, I'd stand there looking at this fucking old man, you know, my dad, you know, in that chair, that horrible fucking chair with the shiny, worn-out arms. I should've burnt the fucking thing. By the end he was hemorrhaging from both ends, you know? I used to hear him in the morning hanging on to the kharzi. It was lovely. Never stopped him going to the pub, though. No, he was well enough to do that. Now, one day, right, he's staggering across the pub pissed from the night before. He's gone over, crunch, right on his mooey, like a fucking ironing board. His hooter's around here, his railings all over the fucking place. Me and me mum had to go the hospital to see him. We walked in. He's laying in bed. He's got tubes up his arms, fucking up his nose, down the back of his Gregory. He didn't look well. Fucking vodka was keeping him alive. Well, I ain't that interested, so I'm having a little mooch about, you know. I looked above his bed, and there's this sign, right, with some weird writing on it. I couldn't read too well at the time. I said to my mum, "Mum, what's that say? You know, that sign above Daddy's head." All right? She said, "Nil by mouth." "What's that, a football score?" One-nil, three-nil, two-nil, a geezer called fucking Nil. Yeah. I said, "Well, what's it mean?" She said, "It means... "

Mark: It means nothing to eat.

Ray: Yeah, nothing down the...

[points into his mouth]

Mark: Nothing down the... Yeah.

Ray: Yeah, all right. I remembered that day, because I could've put that on his fucking tombstone, you know? Because I don't remember one kiss, you know, one cuddle. Nothing. I mean, plenty went down, not a lot came out, you know, nothing that was any fucking good. And I'd look at this man that I call Dad, you know? My father, I knew him as Dad. He was my fucking dad but he weren't like other kids' dads, you know? It was as if the word itself were enough, and it ain't.

Mark: That ain't when he died though, is it?

Ray: No. He lived another ten years, slippery old cunt. He died one afternoon in that fucking armchair. About right. I went around to see him, you know, when he was plotted up at me mother's.

Mark: Hatcham Road?

Ray: Yeah, Hatcham Road. He was upstairs in that front bedroom. Laid out.

Mark: Free.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah. I've gone up there, gone in. I'm sitting on the bed looking at him. He's laying there like... Mullered. And it was like he'd shrunk, you know? He was a big man.

Mark: He was a lump.

Ray: Yeah. You should know. You got enough clumps off the cunt. (sighs) And I just touched him, you know? He was fucking freezing cold. It frightened the life out of me. I was looking at him, you know? For the first time in my life, I talked to him. I said, "Why didn't you ever love me?"

Mark: There's no privacy left. Last week, Lydia and I were at home, it was a Sunday morning.

Lydia: Mark?

Mark: This is true. And we started kissing...

Lydia: Mark!

Mark: And the next thing, you know, we were on the floor and I was having...

Lydia: Are you crazy? You know, he's drunk.

Mark: On the kitchen floor, on the living room floor.

Lydia: I got to admit it was a surprise.

Mark: Did it not happen that way? So, the door opens and the Superintendent, he has the key, barges in...

Lydia: Stop it.

Mark: Some kind of plumbing leak and we are in in flagrant...

Lydia: You know what this one does, he gets up stark naked and he says, "Mr. Fanducci, this is not the pipe that needs fixing."

Mark: I was quick, Ken. Very quick. Could you have come up with anything quick, Ken?

Ken: No.

Mark: That was grace under pressure.

Lenny: [responding to Mark's job offer] Mark, I don't sell drugs. I'm in real estate.

Mark: I don't sell drugs, either. I'm a screenwriter. But until the ship comes in, you gotta cover the waterfront.

Vicky: What does the winner get?

Mark: What does the winner want?

Vicky: Guess.

Vicky: Wanna take me on?

Mark: Sure. Have a seat.

[she sits across from Mark; he prepares to arm wrestle]

Vicky: I only want your fingers.

Vicky: [after Jeff and Mark have arm wrestled] Wanna take me on?

Mark: Sure. Have a seat.

[she sits in front of him; he puts up his arm]

Vicky: I only want your fingers.

Sidney: Hey Detective, what's your favorite scary movie?

Mark: My life.

Sidney: Mine too.

Dewey: The killer called her.

Mark: When?

Gale: What'd he say?

Sidney: Oh you know the usual small talk. "What's new?" "How you been?" "How do you wanna die?"

Sidney: What do you know about trilogies?

Mark: You mean like movie trilogies?

Sidney: You seem to like movies, Detective.

Mark: Call me "Mark", will you? 'Cause I'm gonna keep calling you Sidney.

Sidney: I'll call you "Mark" when you catch the killer, Detective.

Mark: Well, all I know about trilogies is that in the third one, all bets are off.

Sidney: Did you request this case?

Mark: No. They tend to put me on the ones that deal with the business. I grew up here and I know my way around the studios.

Sidney: Must be exciting. Beautiful place, beautiful people.

Mark: To me, Hollywood is about death.

Sidney: Excuse me?

Mark: I'm a homicide cop. When you see what I see day in and day out, the violence that people do to each other, you get haunted. I think you know about that.

Sidney: What do you mean?

Mark: I know what it's like to see ghosts that don't go away, to be watching a scary movie in your head, whether you want to or not, watching it alone.

Sidney: Ghosts are tough. You can't shoot ghosts.

Mark: Can't arrest ghosts. But the trick to keep from getting haunted is to be with people. You're here, you're not in hiding. You've done the right thing... Miss Prescott. What did you know about your Mother?

Sidney: I always thought I had the perfect Mom, the perfect family until I found out I was wrong. She had a secret life and I tried to understand that. And... soon as I thought... then I had more secrets. I don't know who my Mom was.

Mark: You knew who she was to you. Here's the deal: I'm off to search the set. I think that what you saw is real. That's the good news.

Sidney: How's that good news?

Mark: Because it means that we are dealing with a flesh and blood killer, and I know how to handle guys like that.

Sidney: Oh, yeah. How?

Mark: Catch him or kill him.

Sidney: Hey, Detective? What's your favorite scary movie?

Mark: My life.

Sidney: Mine, too.

Sidney: What do you know about trilogies?

Mark: All I know is that in the third one, all bets are off.

Sidney: I don't know who my mother was.

Mark: But you know who she was to you.

Dewey: Is that a threat, Detective?

Mark: When it's a threat... you'll know it.

Dewey: Was that a threat?

Mark: I'm gonna talk to the studio guys about those photos.

Detective Wallace: Yeah right, I know where you're going.

Mark: Yeah keep an eye on Sidney.

Detective Wallace: I know where you're going, you're gonna get her some flowers and candy, right? Huh?

Mark: Gimme a break!

Mark: [to Michael] Are you a giant? Can we be friends?

[last lines]

Mark: [on the phone] Hello, this is Mark from USA Actors Management again. Please disregard my earlier message. Uh, fortunately Miss Williams and Mr. Kitamura were able to reschedule and they're really, really excited to come to London for Mr. Tarantino's auditions. I hope it's still possible. I'm totally confident that they're gonna do very well on this, so please, call me back as soon as possible on this number to confirm. Thanks very, very much. Talk to you soon. Goodbye.

Mark: You're getting a raise out of me alright, but it has nothing to do with money.

Mark: [on seeing Leonard drive up] Redneck Alert

Mark: Don't you watch scary movies? Bad shit always happens inside the creepy farmhouse.

[last lines]

Mark: [to his sister unaware she's posessed] You're stupid!

Emma: Are you still ticklish?

[starts tickling him in the bath]

Mark: [laugs] Stop it

[she suddenly starts dunking his head under water]

Mark: Stop it! I don't like it

[posessed she tries to drown him]

Emma: [Enters the bathroom to find her brother in the tub] Let's see how ticklish you still are

Mark: [Begins tickling him] No... no... no

Emma: [as he giggles] Yes

Mark: [On seeing his teenage sister go into a trance] What's wrong?

Mark: [She starts dunking his head continously underwater] Don't do that to me... i don't like it!

[She starts to drown him]

Mark: [Suddenly snaps out of it and goes to hug him] NO... GO... AWAY!

[he cowers in the corner]

[first lines]

Mark: I can do it... get off...

Mark: [when his teenage sister won't play with him] You're just scared of losing

Mark: [Mark is in the tub and his older sister wants in] Wait until i say so

Mark: [on why he's staring at Emma] You were just standing there and your eyes were

[rolls his eyes into the back of his head as he shakes]

Emma: [to her brother while possessed as she clutches his ball] What do i get in return?

[sarcastically]

Emma: A kiss?

Mark: [her brother tries to grab his ball] Give it back... dad gave that to me

Emma: [posessed] I won't get anything in return

[sneers]

Emma: I think i'll keep it

Mark: [starts to walk away] I'm going to tell auntie

Emma: [scornfully] Here... Catch!

[throws Mark's ball down some steps and into the street]

Emma: [last lines]

Mark: [glares back at her] You're stupid!

[she suddenly snaps out of it and pleds after him as he heads straight into moving traffic]

[first lines]

Mark: [chanting and wearing a cow mask] Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights! Animals have rights!

[sees Delhurst approaching]

Mark: Professor Delhurst! Professor Delhurst, I wanna talk to you.

Edmund Delhurst: Would you get out of my way, please? I'm late.

Mark: For what? Another execution?

Edmund Delhurst: Somebody call security.

Mark: The animals keep checkin' in, but they don't check out, do they? You're not a scientist, you're an undertaker!

[Delhurst shoves past him]

Mark: We are not through, Professor Delhurst!

Edmund Delhurst: [stops, turning] Within the next decade, two of you will die of cancer. I'm doing my best to reduce those figures.

Mark: What an asshole.

Angie: [holds up a Kodak Instamatic] I thought you said we were just gonna take pictures, Mark!

Mark: ...I LIED.

[starts smashing the flasks and test tubes, making a mess of the whole room]

[arriving in car looking at Trine and Anja sunbathing]

Persson: Am I interrupting anything?

Trine: No, no.

Persson: I brought some mushrooms... I've got my own spot full of mushrooms out in the forest.

Trine: OK.

[later on]

Trine: [Mark looking at the mushrooms]

Mark: Were not actually gonna eat those, are we?

Mark: [behind the wheel] Let's taste the goodies...

[Kristian hands Mark a beer - Mark studies the label]

Mark: Ã…bro Original...

[tastes the beer and makes a face]

Mark: Fy Fan!

Christian: Is it bad?

Mark: I've eaten pussy that tasted better.

Mark: A ghost? Yeah, yeah we heard it too. It was like: Yeah - yeah... ohhhh... yeah, Christian. Ohh. Yeah, Christian!

Tina: [after someone fondles Mark's backside] I'm not playing with your butt

Mark: If you're not, who is?

Mark: Happy Halloween, you filthy old hag!

Mark: You have to come out now. There's no way out, filthy little pig!

Mark: Happy halloween, gook!

Mark: War is hell. The gooks are out!

Mark: Hold up there, Cha boy!

Casey: Alright... Victor Sparks! This song is, um, written by Craig for a band called the Victors!...

Mark: Victor Sparks?

Michael: [nodding] Victor Sparks.

Mark: Sounds like a porn star.

Michael: [drinking his beer] Oh, he wishes.

Mark: [laughing] Which one is Victor Sparks?

Michael: [pointing towards stage] He's the Pillsbury-guy looking there...

Victor Sparks: [tuning guitar and addressing the crowd] Y'all don't have to be so polite...

Sara Ballard: I feel nauseous.

Mark: Maybe it was my cooking.

Melissa: I'll drive first. I want to get it over with.

Karen: [everyone looks at Karen] Don't look at me. I wanted to go to the beach, not some redneck mountain resort!

Mark: Karen, the beach is overrated.

Parker: Yeah, but big busty blondes in bikinis! That's no overrated.

Melissa: But old men in thongs are.

Parker: [reading article about murder] This is some pretty heavy stuff for some small town, isn't it?

Karen: We should have gone to the beach. I could be getting such a good tan right now!

Melissa: Don't look at me. The mountains were'nt my idea.

Mark: [reads article] God. She was stabbed 13 times. She wasn't murdered, she was mutilated!

Parker: [yanks article out of Mark's hands] Would you keep it down! You'll scare the girls.

Mark: [watches Karen put on makeup for her appointment] How can you want to go out when Melissa is missing?

Karen: Mark, she is a 24 year old woman! She has a phone in a town with nowhere to go! Why should I sit here when I could go out to have a little fun for myself?

Parker: So why are you putting on makeup for an appointment?

Karen: Because if things go the way I plan, I might no be coming home tonight, either.

Mark: I want to leave, and I want you to come with me.

Kareem: I can't just leave. This is my home. I love it, and...

Mark: And what?

Kareem: And I can't let those bigoted right-wing closed-minded people win. And if we abandon the country, the ship will sink.

Mark: Maybe you can do more good away from here. Where you're not all tied up and muted. You can't speak out, you can't act. If you do, you'll be thrown in prison. And then what good you'll be able to do?

Mark: [to Lily] Rosie O'Donnell's gonna crucify him! What an idiot!

Bobby: [Later, to Mitch] All I know is, Rosie O'Donnell's gonna crucify me.

Keith: How's Dick?

Lily: Mark is fine. He says hi.

Mark: [ordering lunch] Okay, well I'm trying to eat Vegetarian. So, um... I'll have the meatloaf.

Mark: I'm gay!

Lily: No shit!

David: You gave him our landline?

Mark: No no, I didn't tell him anything. Wait... since when do we have a landline? Seriously! Why do we have a landline? Who's paying for this?

Mark: [getting in car] You want a ride to the city, I'm heading up there

Jasper: [standing beside her bike] No thanks, I'll ride

Mark: [Last words] When I'm back from my run, we'll go for a coffee, all right?

Frank Caruso: Sounds good.

Mark: Good man.

Frank Caruso: Go hard.

Mark: We're winners, Frank!

Frank Caruso: At what are we winners, Mark?

Charlie Caruso: You bring food?

Mark: It's a party, they provide the food. What's wrong with these Australians?

Dante 'Pig' Pignetti: It's always 'fuck, shit, piss' all the time around here, I mean, if she could hear it, it would embarass her.

[looks at a picture of his girlfriend]

Will: But Pig, this is a photograph.

Dante 'Pig' Pignetti: I know that!

Will: It can't see, smell, hear, taste. Right? Mark... Now Mr. Santoro, if you please, adress a few obscene remarks to this totally inatimate photograph.

Mark: Jesus, would you look at the tits on that bitch!

Will: Pig, how we doin'?

[Pig is trying to control himself]

Will: Tradd?

Tradd: My, would I dearly love to play a little 'hide the sausage' with that spectacular piece of wop-ass.

Will: Pig?

Dante 'Pig' Pignetti: She... She can't hear ya!

Will: That a boy!

[Takes the picture]

Will: Hi baby. How'd you like a hot flesh injection with the old pork-sword, huh? Nine inches of steaming conga up that tight little...

Dante 'Pig' Pignetti: I'M GONNA KILL YA!

Mark: Bob was... like Dostoevsky's Idiot - no help to anybody.