Jill Quotes in Puss in Boots (2011)

[from trailer]

Jill: [dangles Puss over a canyon] Is it true a cat always lands on its feet?

Puss in Boots: No! That is just a rumour, spread by dogs!

Jack: We want a complimentary continental breakfast.

Jill: And don't even think of skimping on them baby muffins!

Hotel Owner: [crying to himself] We don't have any baby muffins.

[Jill and Marcie are looking under the hood of their car. Mack is gazing at their breasts]

Marcie: Does it look bad?

Mack: Not from where I'm standing.

Jill: Oh, can you fix it then?

Mack: Honey, I've got a tool that'll fix anything.

Jill: Aw, come on. It'll be a weekend you'll never forget.

Mechanic: All three of us?

Marcie: It's gonna be a weekend you can tell your kids about. If they're all boys.

Jill: You know, Marcie, we've got this routine down.

Marcie: Yeah. I think we're ready for the Cannonball.

Jill: Oh, I think so. How far is Redondo beach?

Marcie: 150 miles.

Jill: Hah. An hour flat.

Marcie: What're we waiting for?

Both: LET'S GO.

Marcie: Can you imagine the stories J.J.'s making up about last night? He's driving poor old Victor crazy.

Jill: Yeah, well poor old Victor's buying every word of it.

Marcie: Well, what he doesn't know ain't gonna hurt us.

Jill: Never has.

Joe Dirt: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Jill: Sure will. Do you wanna go back to my place?

Joe Dirt: Sure do.

Joe Dirt: Well today I'm gonna be pickin' up my Hemi Roadrunner. That's right, I said Hemi.

Jill: Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.

Joe Dirt: Yep, left it at a friend's house.

[under his breath]

Joe Dirt: Actually, it got towed away two years ago.

[normal voice]

Joe Dirt: But I'm pickin' it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say?

Jill: That's a big ten-four.

Jill: You couldn't take us to such an awful place?

Gonzargo: I could too, couldn't I Ron?

Jill: Are you Tom's girlfriend?

Mary: I'm his boss.

Tom Piper: But... I think she'd rather be my girlfriend.

Mary: Right, when cats play fiddles.

[a cat playing "Here come the bride" to a newly wed plate and spoon with his fiddle]

Tom Piper: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, what do you know, he's playing our song.

Jill: Are you Andy?

Andy Stitzer: Uh... yeah.

Jill: [holds up Jay's card] Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?

Jay: My girlfriend Jill found *your* speed dating card.

[raises his eyebrows]

Andy Stitzer: [Covering] Oh! Yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.

Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?

Andy Stitzer: [Stunned] Mmm-hmm... yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.

Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'".

Andy Stitzer: [Embarrassed] Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'.

Jill: You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!

Andy Stitzer: Who the... Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.

Jill: That's how you talk?

Andy Stitzer: You know what? I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch! Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man... fuck it!

Jill: [to Jay] You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.

Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.

Andy Stitzer: You should keep your ho on a leash.

Jay: Oh, bro, I can't let you talk...

Andy Stitzer: Hey!

Jay: I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.

Andy Stitzer: Hey, hey! Bitch's running wild, man.

Jill: Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.

Jack: ...there's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get... one of them: Gym membership.

Alison Scott: You want me to lose weight?

Jack: [laughing] No, I don't want you to lose weight!

Jill: No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that.

Jack: We didn't say lose weight... I might say tighten.

Alison Scott: Tight?

Jack: Tighter.

Jill: Just liked toned and smaller.

Jack: Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way... tighter.

Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.

Alison Scott: OK.

Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.

Alison Scott: 20.

Jill: And then weigh that much.

Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.

Alison Scott: Oh my god, really?

Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.

Jill: [walking past Alison] Hey, Alison, great job.

Alison Scott: Oh, thanks!

Jill: [walking away] ... for you...

Jill: This is Hollywood. We don't like liars.

Violet Nottingham: You, truth or dare?

Patrick: Truth.

Violet Nottingham: How old were you the first time you kissed a girl?

Bobbi: Patrick never kissed a girl.

Patrick: Girls are ick, except for Tricia Sparks.

Violet Nottingham: Ohh, this Tricia Sparks, is she a girl in your class?

Bobbi: Aunt Jill, did you get our message?

Jill: Yes I did, and now it is time for you to get ready for school. Oh my gosh you are...

Violet Nottingham: Yes, and here is you fat rat. And you, I expect to hear all about this Tricia Sparks next time I see you.

Jill: Tricia Sparks is two years older than you.

Patrick: She's hot.

Jill: I had to park all the way down the block.

Skeeter Bronson: Oh well. Next time why don't you park in that box

[Points to Jill's large gift]

Skeeter Bronson: Plenty o' room in there.

Isaac Davis: You honestly think that I tried to run you over?

Connie: You just happened to hit the gas as I walked in front of the car?

Isaac Davis: Did I do it on purpose?

Jill: Well, what would Freud say?

Isaac Davis: Freud would say I really wanted to run her over, that's why he was a genius.

Jill: Despair is what Kierkegaard called the sickness unto death, Abe. And you suffer from despair.

Abe: I'm well aware of what Kierkegaard thought. But he was, in the end, a Christian. How comforting that would be.

Jill: You know, Abe actually says that people just manufacture drama so they can get theough their lives because they're so empty.

Jill: He's very radical, very original. You either love him or hate him, really.

Jill: Hal... I'm not attracted to you.

Hal: So what? What, you think that everyone who goes out are always attracted to each other? Get real!

Adam Jr.: Jacob is my cousin, and Uncle Lou...

Lou: Don't you ever call me that.

Adam Jr.: ...is my uncle! And they came here in a... uh... what was it?

Lou, Nick, Jacob: Hot Tub Time Machine.

Jill: Oh, okay. So I guess you came here in a Hot Tub Time Machine, too.

[Lou, Nick and Jacob stare into the camera]

Jill: Are you new?

Fritzi: No, I was here last year. Don't you remember me?

[on her negative]

Fritzi: We were in 'Night, Mother together.

Jill: Don't worry. You're only a few pounds heavier then Ellen.

Spitzer: I think I've met your sister, Cinderella.

[to George]

Jill: You never stop moving! You never go anywhere!

Neil: You know, it is kind of sexist you thinking her kicking a football is cool.

Leo Palamino: It is cool.

Jill: [on a handglider] Woo hu hooo.

Neil: My wife flies. That's cool.

Leo Palamino: Eh!

Neil: Also, she made my ballsack a Twitter account.

Jill: [refering to Jimmy's crucifix] Where did he get, Oz?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't know.

[in a flash, Jill is holding the point of a knife to his Adam's Apple]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [very fast] It's Cynthia's; she got it from her grandmother when she was a child, and Cynthia gave it to Jimmy for good luck on hits.

Jimmy Tudeski: [grabs Oz by the throat] You say you're not a squealer! Huh?

Jimmy Tudeski: [Jill points a gun at him] You don't have the balls.

Jill: Ha. This coming from a guy who rarely gets it up.

Cynthia: That's funny. He never had that problem with me.

Jill: [watching Jimmy do domestic things] I married a contract killer, not Martha Stewart!

Jimmy Tudeski: [referring to Lazlo] Jill, tie him up!

Jill: What am I gonna tie him up for? I'm gonna kill him!

Lazlo: Can I ask you a questionnaire, how you found this place?

Jill: Nice Porsche you got.

Lazlo: [to his goons] You still have the Porsche? Let me explain to you when we get a moment together, the concept of the secret hideout.

Jill: For two years I have been begging you to go back to work and then when Cynthia gets kidnapped, you're off to the races.

Jimmy Tudeski: Off to the races?

Jill: I thought I married a contract killer, not Martha Stewart.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Didn't like that shirt either, huh?

Jill: Well it came with the pants.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I see - I mean I really see!

Harris: [after Steve finds a tooth in the pie] Bit young to be losing your teeth, Steve.

Steve: It's not my tooth.

Richard: What?

Jill: Could it be the cow's tooth?

Steve: A cow with gold fillings?

Jill: You've made a recruitment video for the Hitler Youth.

Jill: Call me "mistress", you disgusting little worm!

Jill: [as a tortured Micheal tries to scream in his gag] I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Something's... missing.

Granny: [walks in with a whip and dominatrix' clothes] Here's grammy!

[plays with her tongue as the screen fades out]

Michael: [fade in to outside the house] That's it, no more redheads. No more redheads ever.

[screams as the gate touches his backside]

Jill: You don't respect books.

Michael: I love books,

Jill: You break their bindings, and you doodle in their margins.

Jill: That's right, you are a doodle bug.

Michael: I'm not a doodle bug.

Jill: That's what you are, just a little dirty bug.

Jill: I know about boys like you, you don't take books seriously.

Jill: One whack for every day overdue.

Jill: You've been a bad bad boy,

Michael: No no no, I haven't. I've been a very good boy.

Jill: You had an overdue library book.

Jill: The Scarlet Letter, great inspiration in those pages. It's an excellent Choice.

Kyle: This is fantastic, you're like a big bad dominatrix and everything. I can't wait to get to this. Come on show me what you've got.

Jill: I don't know. I think something's missing.

Jill: That's right. You should think long think long and hard about what you did. You naughty boy.

Michael: What is that?

Jill: You piece of slime.

Jill: You said it, we're on the same wavelength.

Michael: Oh yeah. All that wavelength stuff. To be frankly honest with you, I was just saying that to get you into bed.

Jill: That is not very nice, Infact that is downright naughty.

Jill: You piece of slime.

Jill: Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!

C.W.: If you've got a cold, someone's got to rub your chest down with Vick's.

Jill: If anyone rubs my chest down they'd better bring a ring.

Jill: I'd love to, but you have to have me at home and in bed by midnight.

C.W.: That's exactly what I was planning.

Jill: I'm auditioning for a part in a new play with a little theatre group called The Cosmic Workshop. It's about this girl who gets all hung up when she marries a homosexual. Originally he was an alcoholic, but homosexuals are very in now in movies and books and plays, so they changed it.

[pause]

Jill: Are you homosexual?

Don Baker: No, just blind.

Mrs. Baker: [interrogating Jill about being divorced] How long were you married?

Jill: Six days.

Mrs. Baker: And on the seventh day you rested?

Jill: No, I split.

Jill: [talking about auditioning for the play naked] I don't think anyone could call me a prude.

Mrs. Baker: [mock outrage] I'd like to see them try!

Jill: Well, at first I hated the idea of getting completely undressed, but there were, like, twenty or thirty actors all around me, all naked, and I was the only one with clothes on! How would you feel?

Mrs. Baker: Warm, all over.

Jill: She never had syphilis. I'm surprised she had you.

Jill: [Arguing to Mrs. Baker] You're always dwelling on the negative. Always what he needs, never what he wants. Always what he can't do, never what he can. What about his music? Have you heard the songs he wrote? I'll bet you didn't even know he could write songs. Well, you might be dead right about me. I'm not the ideal girl for Don. But I know one thing: neither are you! And if I'm going to tell anybody to go home, it's gonna be you, Mrs. Baker! You go home!

Jill: Boy, I thought I was sloppy!

Don Baker: What do you mean?

Jill: Well, unless you know something I don't. Like, ashes are good for the table. Is that why you keep dropping them on there?

Don Baker: Have you moved the ashtray?

Jill: It's right here, what're ya blind?

Don Baker: Yes.

Jill: What do you mean, yes?

Don Baker: I mean, yes, I'm blind.

Mrs. Baker: [Jill says she has to go to an audition] Then you're an actress?

Jill: Well, yeah.

Mrs. Baker: Might I have seen you in anything, besides your underwear?

Jill: Um, not unless you went to Beverly Hills High School. I was in The Mikado. I played Yum-Yum.

Mrs. Baker: [laughing] Yes, I'm sure you did.

Don Baker: [when Jill says she's moving in with Ralph] Tell me, Jill, with Ralph, is it like the Fourth of July and like Christmas?

Jill: Not exactly. He has a kind of... strength. With him it's more like Labor Day.

Jill: I don't have anything, but it manages to wind up all over the place. hmm. I'm afraid I'm a slob.

Jill: Is blindness hereditary?

Don Baker: I never heard that.

Jill: Can your father see?

Don Baker: I doubt it. He's been dead for six years. Up till then he didn't have any trouble though.

[after crawling under the dining table to give Dime a blow job by surprise, the farmer's sexy daughter, Josephine, suddenly does the same to Jill]

Jill: Oh, my God...

Sasha: Jill...

Mother Libby: Are you okay?

Jill: Hmm? Mm-hmm. Mm. Oh. Oh... oh, God.

Mother Libby: Joseph, something strange is going on.

Jill: Oh!

Farmer Joseph: Wait a second. I know what's happening here...

Jill: Oh... oh, oh...

[referring to the unseen Josephine]

Jill: Fuck you!

Farmer Joseph: Libby, call the exorcist. These kids are possessed! And get my gun!

Nick: No, no, no, sir, I assure you...

Jill: Ohhhhhh, shit!

Farmer Joseph: Now, that's it. Everybody out! Out, out!

[when they're outside]

Farmer Joseph: And take Lucifer with you!

[shoots his gun in the air]

Jill: You got a name?

Brad Whitewood Jr.: Brad?

Jill: You don't sound so sure.

Custodian: What if you don't show up?

Jill: It means I'm dead.

[first lines]

Jill: Are you going to say hi?

Molly: Maybe tomorrow after my final. Right now I've got to become an expert on marginal productivity theory.

Jill: I'd ask you what that is, but then I'm afraid you'd tell me.

Jill: What's a few meds between sisters?

Jill: He never existed. It was all in my head.

[Watching his girl group rehearse a dance routine]

Morris: Oh, Lord. Cut! Cut!

[pause]

Morris: You ladies don't seem to realize how valuable my time is. You're going to make my boys look bad!

Jill: Why don't you let us come up with our own steps?

[Jerome shakes his head violently]

Morris: We tried that, remember? Now, you're in the best possible position you could be in. So what's the matter? Your shoes on too tight or something?

[Claps]

Morris: Let's have some action! Let's have some asses wigglin'... I want some perfection!

[Cackles, cues music]

Morris: [Girls start dancing again, more seductively]

Morris: [watching; sotto to Jerome] I think I'm gonna need a drink.

Jill: [after Apollonia knocks Jill's coffee over] What are you? Stupid or something? Why don't you watch where you're going?

Jill: You know, you're not a bit like my father.

Nathan Bryce: Well, I'm not a lecherous old man; but, you're a lecherous little girl!

Jill: But, no one would ever believe it!

Jill: Don't worry Dad. I love you, I really do. But I wanna go home.

Wade Whitehouse: It's not funny now. I'm a cop and I gotta listen to all the complaints people make. I'm not a kid anymore. You change.

Jill: I bet you did lots of bad things.

Wade Whitehouse: What are you talking about?

Jill: I just think you used to be bad.

Wade Whitehouse: No. I didn't used to be bad. No sir. Where do you get this stuff? From your mother?

Jill: No. She doesn't talk about you anymore.

Jill: I wanna go home.

Wade Whitehouse: Home? Jill, you *are* home.

Jill: A zombie?

Frank: Actually, I think they prefer the term Post-Mortem Americans

[last lines]

Luke: She meant so much to them, her being here. I know it wasn't for long, but they really loved her.

Jill: Why do you say that?

Luke: It's in their wills. They left her the house.

Papa Justify: [Caroline is listening to the Conjure of Sacrifice record] From these chains, Lord, break me. From this prison, Lord, take me.

Jill: What the hell is that?

Caroline Ellis: [stopping record] Oh, um, it's just some local music...

Jill: Do you know anything about the Chinese Zodiac?

Agent Strahm: No, Jill. No!

Jill: I didn't just get pregnant. It was carefully planned. Everything with John was.

Jill: [Hoffman looks up at Jill after being bind into a chair with the reverse bear trap device strapped on his head] John left you five envelopes...

[Jill shows Hoffman the folder with the five envelopes, revealing a sixth one]

Jill: The sixth one... was for me!

Jill: [her last line - To Hoffman] Game over.

[flashback]

Jigsaw: Methadone's a masking agent; it doesn't heal, it simple nulls the senses. I found a better way. These people, they will continue to hurt you, and let you down.

Jill: They're addicts John. Recovery is a process.

Jigsaw: Maybe addiction's just part of human nature. But what about these people, Jill, who come here every day and use you? They bide their time. They're avoiding prison sentence. They're getting hooked on masking agents. Do you call that recovery?

Jill: It's not that simple.

Jigsaw: Addiction is not simple, Jill! Wake up! These people have no respect for the lives they're destroying. Once you see death up close... then you know what the value of life is. And that's my way. And I brought proof that it works.

Jill: Amanda?

Amanda: Hello Jill.

Jigsaw: Jill, you once told me she was a lost soul. But here she stands. She's clean and whole. And she has new appreciation for her life.

Amanda: It works. It's real. He helped me.

[back to present]

Jill: Okay, John.

[leaves]

Jill: [after Jill closes herself in her office with Hoffman] I didn't expect to see you here so soon.

Mark Hoffman: Change of plans. The game begins tonight.

Jill: Why?

Mark Hoffman: Because someone knows about the box that shouldn't.

Jill: Who?

Mark Hoffman: That's not your concern. All you need to know is that from now on I control all aspects of the game.

Jill: That's not what John wanted.

Mark Hoffman: Give me the envelopes. That's not a request!

[Jill hands him the envelopes]

Mark Hoffman: From now on, I work alone.

Jill: I know. I'm only carrying out John's final request.

Mark Hoffman: Well, John is dead... and his work is almost done!

Jill: [Opens her door] Miss Jenkins.

Pamela Jenkins: Please, this will only take a second. We can help each other!

Jill: What makes you think you can just come to my door like this?

Pamela Jenkins: Because I found something you want to see.

[Hands Jill a letter]

Pamela Jenkins: Go on.

Jill: Where did you get this?

Pamela Jenkins: It was at the location where John died. Does it mean anything to you?

Jill: No. Goodbye Miss Jenkins.

Jill: [to Hoffman about the sixth envelope] This is John's will...

Jimmy: Jill, where's Dr. Mixter?

Jill: Ah, he's been at the country club. I think he's drunk.

Budd: Oh, great!

Jill: It's stupid, sadistic and suicidal to have children right now.

[first lines]

Jill: [answering phone] Hello?

David: What are you wearing?

Jill: Ooh, something tight and white. What are you wearing? Wait, no - let me guess. Um, jeans, sneakers, and that ugly striped t-shirt.

David: Oh my gosh! Ouch! Wow.

Jill: Well, hey - the truth hurts.

Jill: If you want to, you can lay me over the table and amuse yourself, and even call in your men. Well, no woman ever died from that. When you're finished, all I'll need will be a tub of boiling water and I'll be exactly what I was before - with just another filthy memory!

Cheyenne: [sighs] You make good coffee, at least?

Harmonica: Now I gotta go. Gonna be a beautiful town, Sweetwater.

Jill: [with tears] I hope you'll come back someday.

Harmonica: Someday.

Jill: But... but they were his men.

Harmonica: Yeah.

Jill: And they tried to kill him.

Harmonica: They must've found somebody who pays better.

Jill: And YOU! You saved his life.

Harmonica: I didn't let them kill him, and that's not the same thing.

Jill: Hey, you're sort of a handsome man.

Cheyenne: But I'm not the right man. And neither is he.

Cheyenne: You deserve better.

Jill: The last man who told me that... is buried out there.

Jill: [carrying around Brett's photograph] You wake up one morning and say "World, I know you. From now on there are no more surprises," and then you happen to meet a man like this, who looked like a good man - clear eyes, strong hands - and he wants to marry you, which doesn't happen often, and he says he's rich, too, which doesn't hurt.

Jill: I could swear we're going to have that strange sound.

Harmonica: Right now.

Jill: [stares at Harmonica from her window] Cheyenne.

Cheyenne: Huh?

Jill: What's he waiting for out there? What's he doing?

Cheyenne: He's whittling on a piece of wood. I got a feeling, when he stops whittling, something's gonna happen.