Edwards Quotes in Vice Squad (1982)

Edwards: Jesus, man the wombats are out tonight. I mean whores, faggots, pimps. And hustlers, junkies, drag queens and freaks man! This city sucks!

Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.

Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

Edwards: What's the catch?

Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.

[starts walking away]

Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?

Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it...

[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]

Kay: ... if you're strong enough!

Zed: Edwards. Let's put it on.

Edwards: Put what on?

Zed: The last suit you'll ever wear.

Edwards: [chasing perp] Freeze! NYPD! Freeze!

[the perp he is chasing does not slow down]

Edwards: Freeze means stop!

Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.

Edwards: Well, Higgins the floor is yours.

Higgins: This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!

Edwards: You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.

Hunt: Tell him the ending, that's the best part.

Higgins: Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.

Edwards: Clever twist there on the ending.

Hunt: What I remembered the most were the animals.

Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...

Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...

Higgins: [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!

[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]

Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!

Hunt: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]

Hunt: It's only a squirrel.

Pratt: He's got something in his hand!

Guy Fontenot: Something in his hand!

[they continue firing at the squirrel]

Pratt: Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir? I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down.

Edwards: You are aware, of course, that this woman of yours is... made of... straw?

Pratt: Oh, yes, sir. Figure that's why she burned so easy.

Edwards: Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote... or bears will rise up and then BEARS will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats.

Bidwell: [returns to camp after a bear has bit off his leg] Sir, I've been to hell and back.

Edwards: Yes, I can see that...

Bidwell: I suspect that you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast.

Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind briefly. But now I have a better idea.

Bidwell: Yes, sir?

Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.

Bidwell: But what about the bear?

Edwards: Rest assured, Bidwell, in 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than we ever could have.

Bidwell: Revenge is sweet, sir.

Pratt: Sir, there's an old sayin'. "White water in the morning."

Edwards: Yes?

Pratt: That's it.

Pratt: [Picks up Bidwell's ear from the dirt] Look at me. I'm going to make an experiment.

[Starts talking into the ear]

Pratt: Hello, Bidwell? Can you hear me?

Bidwell: I can hear you, Pratt.

Pratt: It works.

Edwards: Well, of course, it works. He's standing right... Let's get some sleep.

Bidwell: Sir, sir. I've been to hell and back!

Edwards: Yes, I can see that!

Bidwell: I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party, to slay that terrible beast!

Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind. Briefly. But now I have a better idea.

Bidwell: Yes sir?

Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you have ever seen!

Bidwell: Oh, but what about the bear?

Edwards: Rest assured, Bigwell, in twenty years or so, the ravishes of old age will deal with the bear, far more cruelly than we ever could have.

Bidwell: Revenge is sweet sir!

Pratt: [Talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Bidwell? Bidwell! I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell sir! He's failed to communicate with the me, by way of his ear...

Edwards: It doesn't work that way, it doesn't work anyway! But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it!

Pratt: [Again, talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Sh... Bidwell?

Guy Fontenot: He look in our tent! He look at my woman! He saw 'er breast.

Edwards: Her breast? You saw her breast?

Edwards: There's a nurse in the restaurant. Did I miss a meeting?

Edwards: I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.

[scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office]

Celeste Talbert: I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

Jeffrey Anderson: This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!

Lori Craven: Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!

Celeste Talbert: I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

Jeffrey Anderson: I could conceivably have a breakdown.

Lori Craven: I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?

Celeste Talbert: It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.

Jeffrey Anderson: [walks back and forth lost for words] Uh...

Lori Craven: Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!

Edwards: This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...

[eats a cracker]

Edwards: [on top of Edwards and Perry's moving truck] Now look here, Mr. Pear, if you got any complaints about our service, you better call the head office.

Arlo Pear: Shut the hell up. No more talk. I want my furniture!

Edwards: Who you think you talkin' to? I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass, poop butt!

[Arlo kicks him in the head]

[the Angelique and Twins Cenobites appear behind Edwards]

Edwards: Oh, no. He told me it could protect me. He told me what to do!

Angelique Cenobite: Please, go ahead.

[Edwards tries to solve it, but can't]

Edwards: It's a box! It's just a box!

[Angelique summons the box to her]

Angelique Cenobite: Thank God for men of reason.