Dwayne Quotes in 30 Minutes or Less (2011)

Nick: Now, give me the fucking code.

Dwayne: Alright. 69-69-69.

Nick: [pauses] You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Dwayne: What is the one thing this town is missing? I'll give you a hint. It's cash business and it's crawling with sexy bitches.

Travis: Chinese food restaurant?

Dwayne: No.

Travis: Abortion clinic.

[from trailer]

Dwayne: I liked the bear, I don't even fucking know you.

[from trailer]

Dwayne: Sometimes fate pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in face.

Nick: I taught myself how to do this shit. Went online, looked all this up!

Dwayne: Oh I hear ya. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair!

Dwayne: You're a cold son of a bitch, dad.

The Major: That's what it takes, boy. In the Corps, pussies like you wore dresses to keep us entertained.

Dwayne: That's really fuckin' disturbing.

Dwayne: I've been thinking a lot about the 'polishing the scepter' deal. I know that's really not for polishing the scepter, you're just talking about sucking my dick. But I just want you to know that it's going to be mutual. You won't just have to polish my scepter, I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for eating your pussy. Ok, well give me a call when you get a chance. Goodbye.

Dwayne: This is like the Marines. If you hesitate, if you fuck around, I will leave you behind.

Dwayne: [watching Friday the 13th Part III] I'm not afraid of Jason. Look at me. I'm fucking Jason. In his fucking mask hole.

Dwayne: Fucking victory tacos!

Dwayne: Sometimes faith pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in the face.

Dwayne: What'd he say?

Russ: Something about a shrinking sphincter.

Dwayne: Waiter I have too many forks... I only need one... Ya'll... It's just...

[Picks up lil' fork]

Dwayne: Hey, what's this lil' bitty one for?

Dwayne: I can remember six or seven years ago, nobody ate turkey. Now, everybody eats turkey! Turkey burgers. Right? Turkey sausage. Hey, I used to eat ham and cheese, man. Not anymore. Now it's turkey this. Turkey that. Sometimes, I wonder what animal's gonna be next, you know? Duck. I bet you it's duck.

Gladys: [after installing a lot of traps] What about this one, this Depelter Turbo?

Dwayne: That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state,

[with his hand over his heart]

Dwayne: except Texas.

Gladys: I don't care if this violates the Geneva Conventions, I want it.

Dwayne: I thought you might, so I took the liberty of installing it for you.

[as he tosses a stuffed bear in it]

Dwayne: Adios, animal infenstation.

RJ: [it traps it] AHHHHH!

Gladys: [we see it in a cage, with outside burned off] Ohhh, very nice.

Dwayne: What do we have here?

[Inhale]

Dwayne: Didelphis marsupialis virginianus. Aproximately ten pounds.

[Inhale]

Dwayne: Male.

Gladys: I think it's dead.

Dwayne: Oh, really? Do you in fact have a associates degree from VermTech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.

Police Officer: Now you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo.

Gladys: Officer, please. This Verminator sold it to me.

Police Officer: Hey, hey, it was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.

Gladys: Oh please, it's not my fault, let go of me don't do this to me...

Police Officer: Ma'am...

Gladys: [yelling] You can't do this to me! I am president of the Homeowners Association!

Dwayne: [quietly as she is fighting the police] Get her.

[he climbs over a fence and accidently steps on a squeak toy]

Nugent the Dog: Play.

Dwayne: Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

[there is a bite heard]

Dwayne: AHHHHH!

Gladys: That's the...

Dwayne: The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging.

Dwayne: [after shooting the head off a plastic flamingo] Arrrgh! Not again! Those things are so lifelike! Curse you, plastic moldsmen.

Dwayne: I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontaine is here.

Gladys: Where have you been? I am throwing a Welcome to the Neighborhood party tomorrow, and so far, Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.

Dwayne: Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there won't be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.

Jordan Belfort: [dubious] S-so if I, if I sell a stock at $10,000, my commission is 5,000 bucks.

Dwayne: If you sell $10,000 worth of this stock, I will personally give you a blowjob for free

[Jordan laughs]

Dwayne: ... and I hope it happens.

[both laugh]

Dwayne: Now that Dr. King is gone, no one left but Bobby - no one.

Dwayne: Now that Dr. King is gone, nobody left but Bobby. Nobody.

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.

Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?

Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Dwayne: [while Sheryl is crying he writes this on a piece of paper to Olive] Go Hug Mom

Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Frank: I'm glad you're talking again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.

Frank: So who do you hang around with?

Dwayne: [shakes his head]

Frank: No one?

Dwayne: [whips out a pen and notebook from his back pocket. bangs the end of the pen on table and writes on a notepad: "I Hate Everyone."]

Frank: What about your family?

Dwayne: [deeply underlines "Everyone"]

Sheryl: You know, like it or not, we're still your family, for better or worse...

Dwayne: No, you're *not* my family! I don't wanna *be* your family! I hate you fucking people! Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking losers, you're losers! No, please just leave me here, Mom. Please, please, please. Please... just leave me here.

Frank: Good night Dwayne.

Dwayne: [scribbles on notepad] Don't kill yourself tonight.

Frank: Not on your watch Dwayne. I wouldn't do that to you.

Dwayne: [on notepad] Welcome to hell.

Frank: Thanks Dwayne. Coming from you that means a lot.

Dwayne: [after finding out that he is colour blind and can't fly planes] FUUUUUUCK!

Frank: [after Dwayne reads an eye test pamphlet and finds he may be colourblind, destroying his life goal of enlisting in the Air Force] You can't fly jets if you're colourblind.

[Dwayne immediately falls into an emotional breakdown; Frank, Olive and Sheryl all yell for Richard to pull over the vehicle]

Dwayne: [Dwayne springs from the stopped van into an empty field] *FUCK!*

[collapses, screaming and sobbing, breaking his nine-month vow of silence]

Sheryl: What happened?

Frank: He's colourblind. He can't fly.

Sheryl: Oh, Jesus... oh, no.

Sheryl: [waits several moments, then approaches Dwayne] Dwayne...? Dwayne, honey, I'm sorry. Dwayne, come on. We have to go.

Dwayne: I'm not going.

Sheryl: Dwayne...

Dwayne: I said *I'm not*, okay? I don't care, I'm not getting on that bus again.

Sheryl: Dwayne, for better or worse, we're your family...

Dwayne: [stands up] No, you're *not* my family, okay? I don't want to *be* your family! I *hate* you fucking people! *I hate you!* Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking *losers*! You are losers!

Sheryl: [whispers] Dwayne...

Dwayne: [begins to cry again] No, *please* just leave me here, Mom. Okay? Please, *please*. Please just leave me here.

[sits back down, crying continues]

Pageant Assistant Pam: [as Dwayne walks by] Are you authorized to be here?

Dwayne: No.

Dwayne: [to girl in hallway] Where are the dressing rooms?

Girl in Hallway: Are you allowed to be here?

Dwayne: Just tell me where the dressing rooms are!

Dwayne: I apologize for the things I said. I was upset, and I didn't really mean them.

Pageant Assistant Pam: [Dwayne walks swiftly by] Are you authorized to be backstage?

Dwayne: [emotionless; without stopping] No.

Richard: [as he rolls up the sheet that covered Grandpa and packs the bags in the trunk of the bus] You know, Olive, Grandpa would have been proud of you today.

Olive: Really?

Sheryl: You were great.

Frank: You were better than great.

Dwayne: You were incredible.

David: Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going on?

Marko: I don't know. What's going on, Paul?

Paul: Wait a minute. Who wants to know?

Dwayne: Michael wants to know.

Dwayne: [In the cave, talking to Laddie] Grab the rock box, kid!

Dwayne: [standing up after almost getting hit by bow and arrow] You missed, sucker!

Sam Emerson: Only once, pal.

Dwayne: Where I come from we treat ladies with respect!

Connie: Thank you, Dwayne, but I'm no lady. I'M A DUCK!

Dwayne: Take it easy, dont listen to him.

Ken Wu: Besides that guy will kill you.

Goldberg: Yea well just hold me back and act like im gonna kill him.

[Facing off in practice]

Dwayne: Great day for hockey, ain't it?

Jesse: Sure is, cowboy.

[Seeing Dwayne for the first time]

Dwayne: Yee-haw! How's everybody? Y'all ready to play some puck?

Goldberg: Hey, look, it's Hop-Along Gretzky!

Dwayne: When I get back to the world, this will be a dream. But now, the world is a dream.

[Everyone is hiding in the bushes from the Raven]

Murray: [laughing] Oh, you guys, you've gotta admit, you are not looking so tough at the moment.

[yells]

Murray: Oh, Raven! Oh, oh, Raven!

Shark: [whispering] Shut the fuck up!

Murray: Yo, Raven, over here, I've got some chumps for you to blood.

Dwayne: Stop it, please.

Murray: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting the lingo wrong?

Dwayne: You don't know what you're doing.

Murray: Oh, yes, I do. I'm calling...

[shouts]

Murray: Raven! Oh!

Dwayne: Shh! They'll kill you.

Murray: Haven't you heard? I'm already slated for death. I mean, it comes up every five minutes, for Christ's sake!

Kelly: [to Dwayne] No... No, I hate you! I hate you! Let go of me! You're a fucking leech. You're a moping, hag, dog, stupid waste of a fucking life! Fuck! Just leave me the fuck alone! Leave me alone!

Murray: Dwayne. You deserve better than this. I know... I know people. And you gotta know, she doesn't feel about you the way you feel about her. I mean, you think she's your girl? You think she'll be faithful? You think she cares? She doesn't care. I know that's hard for you to understand, now.

Dwayne: You don't know what you're talking about.

Murray: I'm not trying to hurt you, here. Just open your eyes. Fuck! Kelly's a... Kelly is a...

Dwayne: My sister. She's my sister. You know, I'm listenin' to you, sittin' up there just, you know, talking and talking, like you got everything all figured out. 'Cause you, yeah, you know people. You don't know shit, Murray. We're not people. We're just a bunch of cowards and punks and traitors, right?

Murray: No.

Dwayne: 'Cause if we were people, then you might have to care. And you just don't give a fuck, do you?

Murray: No, I care.

Dwayne: Oh, you care? Yeah, who do you care about, huh? Your wife?

Murray: Of course.

Dwayne: Or your mistress? Care about your boy... or your dealer? Your six-figure job: breathmints, dandruff shampoo... What do you really care about, huh? You care about Carter? Do you have *any* idea what you've done to him? Do you? Care about me? Is that why you gotta tell me about Kelly? All right. You know people. What is she then? My sister's a what?

Murray: I was just gonna say that...

Dwayne: [yelling] My sister's a what?

Murray: Kelly's a... Kelly's addicted to drugs.

Dwayne: [smiling] No shit! You're a real people person, all right!