Clarke Quotes in Funny People (2009)

Clarke: Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? Fuck!

[laughs, then looks at Laura]

Clarke: What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?

Laura: George.

Clarke: [points at George] This George?

George Simmons: Look out.

Laura: Yeah.

Clarke: Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.

Danielle: I'm glad your back.

Clarke: I don't know, I kind of miss that place

Danielle: Shut up!

Clarke: A school with no girls, I was *very* popular.

Danielle: [Smiling] You fucking whore! Remember, "nobody likes a dirty girl"!

Danielle: [about naming their sack of flour] I'm thinking "Joan", like Joan Jett.

Clarke: Or Crawford. That's nice.

Danielle: Is there some sort of special gene that makes you say "Crawford" when I say "Joan"?

Clarke: You ever try magic fingers?

Danielle: What do you want?

Clarke: Uh, we're partners.

Danielle: No offense, but my designated is, as of this morning, no longer designated.

Clarke: I don't know what that means.

Danielle: It's Danielle's three D's of dating: Discriminate, designate, and dump, and since the unfortunate dumping of Brad, due to his lack of sanitary respect, Im on to the next. And quite frankly, as a dick smoker, you don't qualify.

[Walks away]

Clarke: ...But we're married.

Clarke: Poor Joan. She only has one grandpa, and he's a total dick.

Joseph: You and I had a deal, didn't we? Seems to me you're not holding up your end of the bargain, though, you copy me? Clarke? Do you copy me? You know what that makes you? It makes you a welcher. The only thing worse than being a gay is being a welcher.

Clarke: I'm not no gay.

Joseph: Yeah, who am I supposed to believe? A 15-year-old welcher, or a qualified medical physician?

Clarke: He's a chiropractor.

Joseph: He's got experience.

Danielle: What are you doing?

Clarke: Nothing.

Danielle: You're hitting on me, and I do not appreciate it.

Clarke: I have discriminated, and I have designated.

Danielle: What the fuck? I thought you were a faggot.

Clarke: Only 65 percent.

Danielle: Huh?

Clarke: My therapist showed me this chart. It says that I'm 35 percent hetero. And if I can get that up to 60 percent, my parents won't send me to military school.

Danielle: Meet Joan. So named for the irrepressible lead singer of the Blackhearts.

Clarke: And the alcoholic, child-abusing movie star.

Clarke: If you spill that, my dad'll kill me.

Danielle: Baby... you came out of the closet, stole his car and took off with the class whore. You're the definition of dead.

Danielle: [about the sack of flour "Joan"] You've gotta be more careful with her. How would you like to be dropped on your head?

Clarke: I have been dropped on my head. Daddy says Mama dropped me, and that's what accounts for my feminine ways.

Danielle: You trying to make Joan a lesbian?

Danielle: Did you tell your parents where we are? I swear to God, if you did, Clarke, I will pull this car over and kick your ass out!

Clarke: You are running toward something, Danielle. I am just running away.

Danielle: Well, ain't that poetic?

Danielle: My daddy's credit card is financing this little adventure of yours. You have not even said, "Thank you".

Danielle: [Slightly taken aback] Some things go without saying.

Clarke: Then I guess it goes without saying that you are the neatest person that I have ever met! And I am not afraid no more when I'm around you, 'cause you are cooler than I will ever be. And It also goes without saying that I would never tell on you!

Danielle: [pause] I promise I'll find a way to thank you.

Joel: My daddy took off when I was little.

Clarke: Like Dani's.

Danielle: Mine took off before I was born, so I win.

Joel: Are we competing?

Danielle: I'm just saying, I probably had it worse.

Joel: You know what it's like then, don't you? That crazy thing when you look for him everywhere. Anytime you're in a crowd, there's a chance, so you... walk around a little straighter, hoping to look your best, just in case. Looking everywhere for somebody who don't want to be found.

Clarke: They're gay, Dani!

Danielle: What?

Clarke: They're gay.

Danielle: ...But they're so ugly.

Clarke: Power corrupts. We get to be corrupt now!

Clarke: 'Cause mo better makes it mo better.

Chapin Wright: [Sitting in Study Hall playing Mad Libs with Clarke, Whisper and Stephan] Noun.

Stephan: Balls.

Chapin Wright: Adjective.

Clarke: What's an adjective?

Chapin Wright: Yet another reason why you should stop skipping English.