Chance Quotes in Plunkett & Macleane (1999)

Chance: Does that hurt?

Plunkett: Only when I laugh.

Chance: I pay you. And yet, you do nothing.

Chance: Well, come on. Pay up.

Ravel: Pay what?

Chance: What do you mean, "Pay what"? Something is manufacturing breathable air down there. That, mate, is terraforming.

Ravel: No, no. The bet was why we came here. If you said that dead old man wanted to talk to Martians, then I'd pay.

Chance: Oh, come on. A hundred credits. Put it towards a lap dance with Miss Vickers.

[Chance has just gotten attacked by a porcupine]

Chance: Ah! He bit me with his butt!

Shadow: [after Sassy is lost in the river] I shouldn't have made her come.

Chance: It's not your fault, she wanted to come.

Shadow: But it's my responsibility. I had a responsibility to Sassy - to love her and protect her - the same as I have to you... and to Peter. And the same as you have to Jamie.

Chance: But we didn't ask for this job.

Shadow: We didn't have to. It's built in. Has been ever since the dawn of time... when a few wild dogs took it upon themselves to watch over man, to bark when he's in danger, to run and play with him when he's happy, to nuzzle him when he's lonely. That's why they call us man's best friend.

Chance: [narrating] Looking at him that night, he seemed so wise... and ancient, like the first dog who ever walked the earth. I just hope that one day, I can be like him.

Chance: [sniffs] Hmmm, this place is Smell-O-Rama.

[sees chickens]

Chance: Hallelujah, I've died and gone to Kentucky!

Chance: [Chasing a chicken] I'm not gonna hurt you, I just want to chew on your neck!

[Chance sees a porcupine, but he doesn't know what it is]

Sassy: What is that?

Chance: I don't know. It's probably a squirrel having a really bad hair day.

Chance: I'm such a wimp! I'm running from a cat!

Shadow: I won't tell if you won't.

Chance: Of course, this isn't your ordinary housecat. This is like Arnold Schwarzen-kitty!

Chance: My name is Chance. I know, it sounds odd, but most names do if you think about it long enough... maybe even yours. I was abandoned when I was very young. I lived on the streets scranging for food sleeping wherever I could; that seemed like fun at first, but pretty soon, it landed me behind bars. But I don't like to talk about that; let's talk about after that... when I got my second chance... and my name. You see, this family came along, and I guess you can say they rescued me, because they adopted me and brought me to live at their house. But it was their home, not mine. Still, it was an improvement over that other place: lots of space, fresh air, plenty interesting things to explore, and all the underwear I could eat.

Chance: [to a couple of ladies] Ladies! Ladies, ladies, please, you gotta help me! I'm starving, and I can't remember when I had my last meal, and I'm an orphan, and I'm weak, and I'm helpless, and if you don't feed me, I'll shrivle into a pile of bleached bones, so please!

[the ladies shoo him away]

Chance: What? Do you want to shake a paw? Shake hands? How's that? Is that worth most of your food? All of your food? A little bit? Please?

[They continue to shoo him away then leave]

Chance: Ah, she doesn't even know how to shake right! You need training!

Chance: [to Shadow] You pushed me this far, now I'm pushing you the rest of the way. You know, back in the woods, even when things looked really *bad*, I always thought we'd make it because I thought *you* were too stubborn to quit. Well, you're not going to quit, not now, not when we're this close.

Shadow: Up and at 'em, you two. I found our breakfast.

Chance: Good, I hope it's garbage

Shadow: No, even better.

Sassy: With you two gourmets, I can just imagine

Chance: Well fine, just sit here and diet.

Sassy: Are you calling me fat?

Chance: Course not, for a hippopotamus!

[Runs into a tree]

Chance: I meant to do that!

Sassy: Ha ha! Serves you right.

Chance: Remember hot dogs?

Shadow: Yeah, I wasn't much for the name, though.

Chance: I don't think they're really made of dog.

Shadow: I don't think they're made of meat!

Chance: But they taste the best when they fall in the dirt.

Shadow: Yeahhhhh.

[Chance lets a rabbit run away]

Chance: I hate fast food.

Chance: Are we going in circles? That tree smells familiar.

Shadow: Of course it does. It's pine.

[Chance's stomach growls]

Chance: I think... I need to eat some grass.

[vomits]

Peter: Eww!

Jamie Seaver: That's Grandma's cake!

Chance: [voice-over] I learned an important lesson that day: cake and polyester don't mix.

[Chance is chewing apart an old shirt]

Sassy: Chance, stop! The blouse is dead!

Chance: That's right! And I have to shred it into teeny, tiny little pieces and I...

[gulps]

Chance: I swallowed a button.

Sassy: Oh, what a shame... Too bad it wasn't a zipper!

Chance: Hey, you better beat it powder puff before I turn you into dog meat!

Sassy: Oh, is that any way to speak to a petite dewdrop... you big flat-faced butt-sniffer?

[Chance barks and chases Sassy]

[Chance is looking for fish in the river]

Chance: Ok, how did Sassy do it? I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want... Ay-yi-yi!

[Pulls out a crawdad attached to his lips]

Chance: I don't want it! I don't want it! I don't want it!

Shadow: [laughing] Sassy would love to see this.

[At the vet, having porcupine quills removed]

Chance: Okay, okay, I'll talk! I left a gift on the carpet. I let Sassy take the rap for when I unrolled the toilet paper all over the house. I stole underwear on three occasions.

[the vet yanks a quill out of his face]

Chance: Okay, okay, four!

Chance: I'm too pooped to poop.

Chance: [sees a real live Turkey for a second time] Ahhh! Birdzilla returns!

Chance: Turkey! Turkey turkey turkey turkey!

Chance: I can do better! Just give me a second chance!

Shadow: That was your second chance, Chance!

Chance: Then give me a third chance!

Chance: [catapults the mountain lion] Hasta la vista, Kitty!

Sassy: [the animals are re-united and running towards each other] My Boys! My Boys!

Chance: Sassy! Sassy! Sa...

[nearly steps in a hole]

Chance: Whoa, gopher hole!

Chance: Cats are smarter than dogs, huh? Right. She doesn't even know the meaning of the word, "stay".

Chance: [running away from the turkey after he tries to scare the hens] Ah! It's Birdzilla! I swear I'll never eat a McNugget again!

Sassy: [seeing Chance eat greedily] I feel I'm going to be sick

[as Chance starts eating her unwanted food]

Sassy: Hey, now, *stop* it, that's *mine*

Chance: Yeah well, you snooze, you lose!

Sassy: Ugh! Canines!

Chance: Flying meat!

[catches a meatball]

Chance: Ooh! Hot! Hot!

Chance: [after catapulting Sassy into the sandbox] That's why they call it the *cat*-a-pult!

Shadow: Just sleep.

Chance: I can't sleep. I'm too tired to sleep.

Chance: [horse neighs at him] Whoa, are you sick or what?

[chasing after ducks on a small pond]

Chance: Hey! Bath toys!

Chance: [barking at raccoon in a tree]

Sassy: Oh, right! Like if you yap at it, it's going to come right down and ask you to eat it! Ha, pitiful!

Shadow: Chance, you're a genius!

Chance: I am not! Uh, what's a genius?

Shadow: Never mind.

Chance: Shadow was faithful, Shadow was loyal... Shadow was a chump.

Shadow: I thought you were gonna stay, pup.

Chance: Yeah, but I thought I should come along, in case you two needed protection.

Sassy: My hero! Guess I'm gonna have to stare at YOUR butt the whole way.

Sassy: It's like I said all along, poopsie: cats rule and dogs drool.

Chance: Get a life. Get nine of 'em.

Sassy: But it's true. Cats are smarter than dogs, and more attractive... and we don't drink from the toilet!

[Chance is chewing on an old boot]

Sassy: Do you have any idea where that's been?

Chance: Yeahhh. That's why I like it. You want some?

Sassy: I'm not really into leather.

Sassy: You just woke me up from a very deep catnap.

Chance: What's the matter, Sassy? Get up on the wrong side of the litter box?

Sassy: Even a great beauty needs her beauty sleep!

Chance: Beauty sleep? You'd have to sleep for, like, a month!

Chance: [seeing a poop] Wow! That's as big as Sassy!

Sassy: Thanks, precious.

Chance: Only it smells better!

Sassy: At least I don't roll in it like some species!

Shadow: Something doesn't smell right. They've been gone way too long. Much longer than they should have been. Something's really wrong.

Chance: Wake up and smell the kibble. They dumped us!

Shadow: No! It isn't true!

Chance: [after discovering a skunk in a hollow log] Hey, Shadow, you want to have some fun? Stick your head into that hole.

Chance: [encounters a grizzly bear] What is this?

[the bear growls]

Chance: Uh... gosh, you look hungry.

Chance: You were great. You were like Rin Tin Tin.

Shadow: Like who?

Chance: Rin Tin Tin. Don't you ever watch TV?

Shadow: [growls at Chance as he noses the turkey]

Chance: Oh, back off, old man! You were just jealous cos I smelled it first.

Shadow: Would a rolled up newspaper mean anything to you?

Chance: No. Why?

Shadow: [barks]

Chance: All right! Okay! I just wanted to... smell it.

Shadow: [barks]

Chance: ...to make sure it was safe for people.

Shadow: I'm keeping my eye on you, pup.

Chance: Yeah, well I'm just gonna go mingle.

Chance: You want to shake a paw? Shake hands? Is that worth most of your food? All of your food? She doesn't even know how to shake right. You need training.

Sassy: You need the training.

Chance: Ah, great. And I suppose you know a better way?

Sassy: Yes. I'll get food by acting like I don't want food.

Chance: That's stupid.

Sassy: I'll prove it.

Chance: Oh, you don't have to prove it. I believe you're stupid.

Chance: [eating a shoe and talking to Shadow] Why don't you relax, Gramps?

[with mouth full]

Chance: Have yourself a shoe!

Shadow: [tuts in disgust] Pups!

Sassy: Have you any idea where that's been?

Chance: Oh, yeah. That's why I love it

Chance: I can't sleep. I'm too tired to sleep. And this place is scary. I don't like it here. It gives me the creeps.

Sassy: [trying to scare him] Oooooooohh!

Shadow: Enough, Sassy. Now sleep.

Chance: [eats a piece of broccoli] Ugh! What was that? Broccoli! Puh!

Chance: [sees a cake] Uh-oh! Must follow, must follow...

Shadow: That was good, Sassy. A full stomach sure feels good.

Chance: Yeah, you sure do serve a lot better than we do.

Sassy: [burps] Excuse me.

Chance: [Finds Sassy sleeping on the ground]

Chance: Well, look who's down in the dirt with the dogs.

Chance: Morning, honey.

[Licks Sassy]

Sassy: Ugh! Dog breath! Blah!

Chance: [Chance is riding with his head out the car window] Da Daaaa Bat Dog!

Chance: Well, look who's down in the dirt with the dogs.

Chance: Jamie was supposed to belong to me, but I didn't need anyone else. I was alone. Still, you gotta admit, he did have a lot of great ideas.

Sassy: Thanks, precious

Chance: You're welcome, cupcake

Chance: Shadow! There's a big uh huge cat!

Shadow: Bolder dash! You're seeing things!

Chance: My name is Chance and I'm lost in the city with an optimistic dog and a sarcastic kitty.

Chance: This is the city. Only the strong survive.

Sassy: Oh, then you're a goner.

Delilah: I've never really felt this way before.

Chance: Me neither. I wanted to say the same thing to you all day, but then I thought you'd laugh at me and then you'd think I'm a dork.

[Delilah laughs]

Chance: Geez, you are laughing at me!

Delilah: No, I'm laughing with you.

Chance: I knew that.

Chance: [going down a slide] Chance slides, and he's out of there!

Shadow: [following him down the slide] Chance, you're gonna kiiiiiiiilll me!

Sassy: [following them down the slide] Can someone tell me why I keep following Dumb and Dumber?

[last lines]

Chance: [eating pizza] Boy what a day, you know, I couldn't think of a happier ending.

Chance: It's a thing of beauty when Chance is on duty!

Sassy: Speaking of doody, I thought I smelled something

Chance: Theres only one thing I know that could make this moment happier. In fact, I think I smell it coming up the driveway right now. Can it be? Yes, yes I think it is. It's pizza!

Chance: What's got eight legs, no brains, spins around and screams like a baby?

Pete: I don't know, what?

Chance: [rolls tunnel over] You guys.

Chance: Ninty-nine cans of dog food on the wall, ninty-nine cans of dog food, EVERYBODY

Chance: [all join in] If one of those cans should happen to fall, ninety-eight cans of dog food on the wall.

Chance: Cats only!

Sassy: I hate this song!

Chance: [singing] I lost my heart in San Francisco.

Chance: Jamie? Is that you? Wait, what am I talking about? Of course, it's you! It's really you! I found you! I found my boy! I found my Jamie! Oh, I'm so happy! Oh, I could just lick you for days! Give me a hug!

Delilah: Hi

Chance: Don't you hi me. First, you chase me, then you try to kill me, then you kiss me? What's the game?

Delilah: Game? I don't have a game. Look, I was only chasing you because your friends back in the alley asked me to, okay?

Chance: My friends, huh? So tell me, what are my friends' names?

Delilah: Shadow and Sassy.

Chance: Huh! Lucky guess. Okay, show me the secret paw shake.

Delilah: Secret paw shake? They didn't show me any secret paw shake.

Chance: Aha! They didn't, huh? Good, because there ain't one. Now explain that kiss.

Delilah: Kiss? That was no kiss. Friendly lick, maybe.

Chance: Friendly? Boy, is that an understatement.

Delilah: Okay, let's try this again. I'm Delilah, Chance.

Chance: Delilah Chance? Wow, your last name is the same as my first name!

Delilah: Boy, good thing you're cute.

Chance: I'd always heard love hurts. I never knew it could hurt this much. It's like getting a bath and missing dinner and going to the vet all rolled up into one.

Chance: I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared one wee little...

[pees]

Chance: ... bit.

Sassy: Obviously.

Chance: [to a poodle] Nice fuzz, cuz! What, did you get in a fight with a lawn mower?

Chance: They treat us pretty good here. Three meals a day and all the smelly sneakers you can eat.

Chance: I welcome danger with open paws.

Sassy: And a constantly open mouth

Chance: Hello Stinky, long time no smell.

Chance: [running backwards on a conveyer belt] Wow, this is cool. An obstacle course!

Chance: I thought we were gonna play. I don't get it.

Chance: Dogs rule and cats drool.

Chance: Nothing makes me happier than a cop beating another cop!

[he then casually rides out of the room on his wheelchair]

Chance: Fuck you! Fuck this place!

Chance: For me, the life of the mind has always come first. I can't be happy if it doesn't. But, I will never love anybody as much as I love you. I don't want a life with anyone but you. And I will give you all the love I have to give another human being.

Eddie: Can we make a vow? To make what we have between us an adventure. To say yes to everything remarkable and amazing.

Chance: To be always rebuilding the temple.

Eddie: To be always rebuilding the temple.

Chance: T.S. Eliot.

[pauses]

Chance: I slept with Brandon.

Eddie: I know.

Chance: I missed you.

Eddie: As well you should have. And by the way, the answer is yes.

Chance: What's the question?

Eddie: Do I forgive you?