Brad Quotes in Superman (1978)

Lana Lang: [driving up with Brad] Hey, there's Clark! Clark?

Brad: How'd you get here so fast?

Young Clark Kent: [shrugs] I ran.

Brad: "Ran," huh? Told ya he's an oddball. Let's get outta here.

[they drive away, Lana looking back at Clark]

Jonathan Kent: Been showing off a bit, haven't you, son?

Young Clark Kent: [going over to Jonathan] Um... I didn't mean to show off, Pop. It's just that, guys like that Brad, I just want to tear him apart.

Jonathan Kent: Yeah, I know, I know.

Young Clark Kent: And I know I shouldn't...

Jonathan Kent: Yeah, I know, you can do all these amazing things and sometimes you feel like you will just go bust unless you can tell people about them.

Young Clark Kent: Yeah. I mean every time I kick the football I can make a touchdown. Every time! I mean, is it showing off if somebody's doing the things he's capable of doing? Is a bird showing off when it flies?

Jonathan Kent: No, no. Now, you listen to me. When you first came to us, we thought people would come and take you away because, when they found out, you know, the things you could do... and that worried us a lot. But then a man gets older, and he starts thinking differently and things get very clear. And one thing I do know, son, and that is you are here for a *reason*. I don't know whose reason, or whatever the reason is... Maybe it's because... uh... I don't know. But I do know one thing. It's *not* to score touchdowns. Huh?

[they laugh]

Young Clark Kent: Thanks, Dad.

Chris: Hi. Um... My name is Chris Parker. I live in Oak Park. That's a suburb.

Brad: They probably figured that out. Ha.

Chris: This is Brad, Sara and Daryl. And we're in trouble.

Daryl: Ain't no doubt.

Chris: See, me and my boyfriend Mike, tonight's our anniversary. But then he went and cancelled. And now I'm stuck watching these three. And it's so hard...!

Albert Collins: And it's so hard!

Chris: Babysitting these guys.

Band: She's got the...

Chris: I got this call from Brenda. I went to pick her up. The tire had a blowout. And my mom's car got shot up.

Sarah: And these guys started to chase us.

Brad: And we all got hijacked. Ha!

Daryl: We're cruising down the highway.

Chris: In this big ol' Cadillac. And it's so hard!

Albert Collins: And it's so hard!

Chris: Babysitting these guys.

Albert Collins: She got the babysitting blues.

Band: Baby, baby. Babysitting blues.

Chris: I've got the babysitting blues.

Albert Collins: There's nights you swear you were born to lose. Like tonight. And you wish your feet were walking in someone else's shoes.

Chris: Some guys are out to get us.

Daryl: And Brenda's probably dead.

Brad: We ain't got a nickel.

Albert Collins: And they should be in bed! And you outta luck.

Chris: I got enough watching these guys. I've got the babysitting blues.

Sarah, Brad, Daryl: Baby, baby.

Brad: [to Mike] You're such a loser!

[nearby Daryl sighs; remembering the incident with the street gang on the subway train earlier]

Daryl: Here we go again.

Brad: I can only dream about having somebody like Chris as a girlfriend, but you've got her, and you treat her like this?

Mike: Don't waste your time, half pint. Her legs are locked together at the knee.

Brad: [grabs him by the collar] I'd love to hit you. I'd love to pound on your face!

Mike: [taunting] Yeah? Go ahead.

Brad: But I won't. You're so slimy, I won't sink to your level.

Daryl: I will.

[Daryl kicks Mike]

Chris: Who was at the door?

Brad: Stray dog.

Brad: Daryl, why are you hugging me?

Daryl: Brad, don't you ever die on me! Ever!

Brad: O.K. I won't.

Brad: Where we gonna get 50 bucks?

Sarah: We could sell Daryl. You think?

Chris: I don't think your parents will ever ask me to babysit again.

Brad: If they do, I'd ask them for a buck more an hour.

Chris: Brad? Sarah? That's not your parents' car is it?

Sarah: Yes it is!

Brad: Oh my God it is!

Daryl: What are we going to do?

Chris: Everybody duck!

[the kids duck down and drive past the Andersons]

Mrs. Anderson: Look at that lunatic! You know, Brad and Sarah are going to be driving in a couple of years and they'll be sharing the road with people like that.

Chris: Brad, how fast do your parents drive?

Brad: I don't know... forty-five?

Chris: We'll go eighty.

[Accelerates]

Chris: Don't worry. We'll get home. This has all just been a big mistake.

Sarah: What about Brenda?

Brad: That was her parents' mistake.

Brad: [to Joe Gipp] Sir. Would you please take us to the next corner, and drop us off?

Joe Gipp: [chuckling] In this neighborhood? Hey, I wouldn't even get out of the car in this neighborhood.

Brad: Could you drop us off at the nearest mall?

Joe Gipp: A mall? Where y'all think we're at, Boise, Idaho? Shooo!

Dr. Nuhkbane: There you are, one stitch, all better.

Brad: One stitch?

Dr. Nuhkbane: Oh, yes, one stitch.

Brad: My only shot at ever being in a gang fight and all I get is one stitch? Chris is gonna think I'm a total failure!

Brad: [about Daryl] Why do I get this funny feeling we're never going to see him again?

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Sarah, Brad, Daryl: Baby, baby.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Albert Collins: Now, there're nights

Chris: You swear you were born to lose. Yeah!

Albert Collins: Like tonight.

Chris, Albert Collins: And you wish your feet were walking in someone else's shoes.

Albert Collins: Some guys are out to get them. And the girls's probably dead. She ain't got a nickel.

Sarah, Brad, Daryl: And we should be in bed!

Albert Collins: You're outta luck.

Chris: I got enough watching these guys. I've got the babysitting blues.

Everybody: Baby, baby.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Everybody: Baby, baby.

Chris: Babysitting blues.

Sarah: [about Dawson] Its Thor!

Brad: No it's no not Sara.

Sarah: [to Dawson] Don't listen to him, he says you're a homo.

Dawson: [Angrily grabs Brad by shirt] You spreading lies about me, kid?

Brad: [Nervously] Who, me? Never!

Daryl: Mike what?

Chris: Mike what what?

Daryl: Mike what what what are we talking about? What's his last name?

Chris: Toddwell. Are you writing a book?

Daryl: Mike Toddwell? Do you know him?

Brad: They go out.

Daryl: He's got a red Camaro, right?

Chris: Oh, gee, Daryl, are you a gear head and a sex fiend? Anyway, a lot of people have Camaros.

Daryl: Yeah, but do a lot of people have the license plate "So Cool"?

Chris: That's Mike.

Daryl: He's the guy who beat me up last summer for touching his car, which I didn't do.

Brad: That was him?

Daryl: That was him!

Chris: Mike wouldn't do that.

Daryl: Yes, he would!

Chris: He would not.

Daryl: Yes, he would. He did. He kicked my ass. Wanna see the footprint?

Chris, Brad, Sarah: NO!

Brad: Uh... where's the spare?

Daryl: Maybe it's on the car... you think?

Brad: Sarah, where's the peach crayon?

Sarah: I used it all to color Thor.

Brad: Great! So what am I suppose to use to cover my zits?

Sarah: You want orange?

Brad: I can't believe you used it all just for that picture of Thor.

Sarah: Thors my hero!

Brad: Thors a homo.

Sarah: Take that back, Brad. Brad! Take it back Brad! Take back what you said about Thor! If you don't take back what you said about Thor, I'll tell Chris about all those love notes you write about her.

Brad: Okay. I take it back.

Sarah: Thanks. Hi, Chris!

Chris: Hi, Sarah!

Brad: I just think you should give other guys a chance.

Chris: Like who?

Sarah: Don't say it! Don't say it!

Brad: Like me?

[Chris laughs]

Brad: What's so funny?

Chris: Well, it's just that... you're just a child.

Brad: And you're just a girl in love with an asshole.

Chris: Brad...

Brad: Forget it!

John Pruitt: My wife called the cops, I got a little banged up.

Daryl: How's the car? Is the car alright?

John Pruitt: Yeah, the car's fine. I got it down at Dawson's Garage. I paid to fix the windshield, that was my fault, but Dawson's gonna make you pay for the tire.

Brad: How much?

John Pruitt: Fifty bucks.

Chris: [shocked] Fifty bucks?

John Pruitt: Yeah, fifty bucks!

Brad: Boy, this is a really cool coat. No way is this from Sears or anything...

Brad: Hey, what the... Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you clowns without the underwear on your heads!

Richie: Brad! Wow, you have really not slimmed down!

Brad: Bring it!

Clark: Suck it!

Brad: So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?

Richie: That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.

Brad: You think you're hot shit 'cos you know words.

Clark: Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...

Brad: You guys think you're athletes now?

Richie: Haha that's funny I didn't know ath-e-letes had three syllables... thats ama-za-zaing.

Major Chip Hazard: Yo maggot! An officer and a gentlemen does not strike a lady.

Brad: What?

Steve: Excuse me, guys... can I see your invitations?

Brad: Is this your house?

Steve: Yes.

Brad: Your party?

Steve: Yes.

Brad: Can we get in?

Steve: No.

Eric: C'mon Brad, let's just go.

Brad: No no no no... Steve... Steve, we can get in, right?

Steve: You don't got an invitation. You don't go in.

Brad: You don't GOT an invitation? Steve, quick English lesson; it's don't HAVE an invitation. As in 'Hi, my name is Steve. I don't have brain.'

Steve: You're just a natural little Shakestein, aren't you?

Brad: Shakespeare, Steve... it's Shakespeare. Didn't you see the 'No Idiots' sign on the front lawn?

Eric: Let me drive, Brad.

Brad: No, you can NOT drive! Did you see what I had to go through to GET these keys? I have to eat vegetables!

Brad: This place looks like a ninja pajama party.

Ethan: What you saw wasn't Lucy.

Brad: But it was, I tell you!

Ethan: What you saw was a buck wearin' Lucy's dress. I found Lucy back in the canyon. Wrapped her in my coat, buried her with my own hands. I thought it best to keep it from ya.

Brad: Did they...? Was she...?

Ethan: What do you want me to do? Draw you a picture? Spell it out? Don't ever ask me! Long as you live, don't ever ask me more.

Brad: There's only one way you can stop me from looking for Lucy, mister, and that's kill me!

Martin: That's the way I feel, Uncle Ethan

[Edwards glares at him]

Martin: Ethan... Sir.

Ethan: Alright, but I'm giving the orders here. I'm giving the orders and you'll follow 'em, or we're splitting up right here and now!

Martin: Well, sure, Ethan. Just one reason were here, ain't it, is to find Debbie and Lucy?

Ethan: If they're still alive.

Brad: They gotta stop sometime. If they're human men at all, they gotta stop.

Ethan: No, a human rides a horse until it dies, then he goes on afoot. A Comanche comes along, gets that horse up, rides him 20 more miles... and then he eats him.

Gus: Don't worry. They won't let "Bad Chad" carry a weapon. He's an intern!

Brad: Trainee, butt-munch!

[hits him]

Gus: Oh, I'm sorry! He's training to be a butt-munch!

Maddy: [Sweet-talking him] To him, you're like, Yao Ming, or, Shaq.

Brad: Well, which one? There's a big difference.

Maddy: Yao Ming.

[He looks disappointed]

Maddy: Definitely Shaq.

[He smiles]

Eric: This is the rashest thing that's ever happened to us before.

Kyle: I don't know what are we even talking about this for?

Brad: Why don't we just go home?

Eric: The guy's a fucking fugitive, man.

Brad: Great. I hate this, you realize that?

Eric: What? Who do you hate?

Brad: Yeah, hilarious. The guy said it's the police they're after. So why don't we just not do this, okay? Are you even listening to me?

Eric: No.

Kyle: Look at this thing.

[Kyle, Brad and Eric see a old car]

Brad: What does it say about him? I guess he was a little bit disappointed.

Kyle: C'mon he's a cop Brad, we got to help him.

Brad: We don't... we don't even know the guy, I mean, we might be accomplices. Kyle, the guy's been shot. He needs real medical attention, I mean we could have a real doctor go down there and no one would know the difference.

Eric: What? Look, you heard what he said, right? The only thing he's got is us. Us three, our shack, our fucking shit, okay? Alright? Let's go Kyle.

[They start to push the car]

Eric: One, two, three.

[Brad stops pushing the car]

Kyle: This doesn't have to be a big deal Brad, we pushed the car so what?

Eric: Here we go, Bradley, are you in or are you out? Hun?

Brad: Kyle! Kyle, I am not going back there!

Eric: Kyle! The fuck happened? Where's the fucking car?

Brad: Shut up! Kyle, are you okay?

Kyle: Yeah.

Eric: We're getting a car! My mom's car! We'll get my mom's car!

Brad: Shut up!

Eric: We'll fucking get my mom's car!

Brad: Kyle!

Eric: [to Brad] He's gonna kill him, asshole!

Brad: Yeah! He's gonna kill all of us, asshole! Do you understand?

Kyle: Guys! I'm just trying to think okay?

Eric: You weren't there! He fuckin' shot em!

Kyle: [Yelling] Guys I'm trying to think, okay?

Eric: What the fuck? What the fuck is happening?

Brad: That's it! I'm calling 911. We're getting the cops in here and I'm...

Eric: [Eric grabs Brad] You fucking think he wants to hear that? Huh? You think he wants to hear that? You don't care if his brother dies do you?

Brad: I'm not the one who brought the bullets now did I? Fucking punk!

[Eric and Brad fight on the ground]

Brad: [to Eric] You are a very average, boring stupid guy! With a big mouth and I don't respect you and I never have!

Eric: Fuck you, you asshole!

Kyle: [to Eric] Your old man has a gun?

Brad: Eric...

Eric: Yeah! He's got a box of em' in the closet!

Brad: Okay, why does somebody ask for bullets? To shoot bullets. At what? People. What are we? Five?

Eric: [Sarcastically] He's a cop, smart guy. I mean he's gotta have some sort of protection.

Brad: [scoffs] So we have to get involved in it? Look, If anybody gets hurt now, it's because of us. Or you two, because I'm out of this.

Kyle: Wait! We'll- we'll just tell him we couldn't get it.

Eric: What? Alright fine, okay I- I don't even care anymore.

Brad: Eric, I'm right this time.

Kyle: Simon, over here!

Eric: Kyle, what's he-?

Kyle: Simon, you got it right?

[referring to the beer]

Simon: Yes, thank you.

Eric: Oh, big surprise. He's taking it from...

Kyle: Oh, c'mon don't be an asshole, just give us our booze!

Simon: [scoffs] What are you gonna do about it huh? You gonna fight me for it? Huh? You wanna come and get it, I'll give it to you huh? Come and get it!

[Simon pushes Kyle]

Simon: C'mon!

[Talking to Brad]

Simon: What about you? What are you gonna do about it?

Brad: [Mutters to Kyle and Eric] Let's go.

Kyle: [while pointing the gun at Luke] Look who's in charge now! See how this works, you motherfucker?

Eric: Guys!

Kyle: Not so fucking tough anymore are ya!

Eric: Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! C'mon! Kyle!

Kyle: [to Luke] Look at me! This gun's what it's all about, you filthy fuck!

Eric: [Softly] C'mon Kyle.

Luke Cooper: So what? Use it.

Eric: [to Kyle] Don't do it, man. Kyle!

Luke Cooper: Use it.

Eric: C'mon, Brad.

Brad: Kyle, Don't do this, man. Kyle.

Luke Cooper: How at this point, am I gonna shoot anybody?

Brad: No.

Luke Cooper: No. We're just sitting around and talking. So why have a loaded and cocked gun? You push this and out pops the cylinder.

Kyle: Then you use the ejector rod, right?

Luke Cooper: Very good. You use the ejector rod. But the most important thing I wanna teach you boys, is that you never *ever* point a gun at *anyone* or yourself even if you think it's unloaded, you don't look don't the barrel when your cleaning it you just don't do it. But for me it's a little different.

[Luke cocks the gun and points it to his head]

Luke Cooper: I'll do it. Cause I *know* that there is no bullets in this gun. I just know it. What are they gonna do? Pop into the gun out of nowhere? Just by fuckin' magic? No. So I'm not scared. Cause it's bullshit.

[Luke pulls the trigger, the gun doesn't go off, and Luke smiles]

Luke Cooper: Cause it's an empty gun. Huh. that's an example of what not to do. I did it this once to prove a point.

Luke Cooper: [Luke is talking on Kyle's Dad's phone] I know where I am. What are you telling me? Kyle! Come out here for a second! What? That was along time ago! Oh, gimme a break! Wait a second.

Luke Cooper: [to Kyle who is now outside] I'm thinking tonight. Can you help me?

Kyle: Yeah, sure.

Eric: [Inside the clubhouse] It had to look like a break in, Brad. I mean what was he supposed to do?

Brad: Yeah, but your own dad's car?

Eric: Oh, fuss...

Kyle: So- whats your point?

Brad: I don't know its just- it's weird. It's something Jake would do.

Kyle: Jake didn't do it, I did it. He pissed me off. Fuck off, Brad. I don't care.

Eric: Hey, hey, relax okay, guys? Alright?

Luke Cooper: [Luke is outside talking on the phone distantly] I've had a radio all day, I haven't done it. Fuck you. Wait, it's the battery. Can you hear me? okay, fuck you. Now you hear me clear that time? Listen, now your cutting off, Betty? Betty, hello?

[Luke starts banging the phone on a old tire wheel]

Luke Cooper: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Brad: [to Kyle] He just trashed your dad's phone. Not kidding, about ten times.

Luke Cooper: [Luke comes inside the clubhouse] Uh, sorry this things uh, busted. You boys stay out late tonight? Just get me to the road. Can't stay here.

Kyle: No problem.

Luke Cooper: Need a road map. Gotta swipe a car. This is it, boys.

Luke Cooper: What are you doing?

Megan: What?

Luke Cooper: Go ahead.

Megan: Oh you mean ta- yeah. Yeah, right.

Luke Cooper: We've outlined the rules. Very specifically. Women have to take off their tops. Right boys?

Megan: That's uh, pretty funny.

Eric: Go ahead.

Brad: Why?

Luke Cooper: Brad.

Megan: Okay, Hold on, are you some kind of pervert or something?

Kyle: Okay, Lets say we talk about something else, hey guys?

Kyle: So what do you think?

Megan: What do I *think*? Um, do you really wanna know?

[Brad laughs]

Kyle: Just being a smart ass.

Luke Cooper: Just being a smart ass. Yeah, well everybody's a smart ass every now and then. We won't hold it against ya Megan. Hey, guys, I mean to not cause any trouble but, since when do we let women in here?

Eric: [Eric laughs] Good point!

Megan: I don't know, those girls on the wall there, they seem welcome enough.

Luke Cooper: They're different. Look what they're wearing.

Eric: Yep! No women. Unless those women are wearing no tops.

Megan: Eric, That's *so* mature.

Eric: Actually, Megan that's the rules. Right, guys?

Luke Cooper: Those are the rules.

Megan: Well, If those are the rules, guess I better follow the rules eh?

Eric: Now we're talking! Take it off!

Megan: [Megan teases them by lifting her shirt then quickly putting it back down] Woah!

Brad: I actually thought she was gonna do that.

Megan: Yeah, you know what? That's because you're drunk. and whoa, whoa, so am I... just shouldn't have gotten up like that.

Eric: Look, the cops didn't even mention you.

Brad: Okay, it's just if they do- it-my parent's will kill me.

Eric: You know what? The store doesn't even know anything's missing. All right? Okay?

Brad: Fine.

Eric: Good! Now, shut up. Hey, Luke. I uh, brought you a little present.

[Eric lays the box of bullets down]

Luke Cooper: Well, well, well. That's what I call good timing little brother. What can I say? Thank you.

Eric: No problem. So, what's with these handcuffs anyways?

Luke Cooper: What?

Eric: Oh, yeah; right.

Luke Cooper: Kind of a strange question. I'm a cop.

Eric: Yeah, of course. I know that.

Brad: I don't understand how it's a question.

Luke Cooper: It's all right. Sometimes the brain misfires, Eric.

Eric: [about the handcuffs] Ow, I closed them too tight.

Luke Cooper: How's it feel?

Eric: No, Luke, c'mon. They're digging in.

Luke Cooper: We'll, you're a criminal now. Right, Brad?

Eric: C'mon, Luke, take them off.

Luke Cooper: Nope.

Eric: Ha ha. Very funny. You know what? Whenever you feel it all right?

Luke Cooper: I know. Maye I'll take this key, and chuck it into the woods.

[Luke pretendst o throw the key into the woods]

Eric: Shi- Brad, did you see where it went? Brad?

Brad: No.

Luke Cooper: I'm sorry, bad joke. I wouldn't have thrown it, give me some credit.

Luke Cooper: C'mon, Luke take them off.

[Luke tosses the key to Eric]

Kyle: [after splashing Luke with water] It just pisses me off, that's all.

Luke Cooper: Why, do you respect the guy?

Kyle: Who?

Luke Cooper: The dick headed guy, Simon. Do you respect him? For stiffing ya?

Eric: No.

Luke Cooper: Then what do you care? That's what he wanted and that's what he didn't get. Forget all that. I got problems of my own. I miss my girlfriend. Right? Right, Brad?

Brad: Yeah.

Luke Cooper: Well, there I am, alone in the shack, middle of the night, missing my girlfriend, with all those naked girls you guys got pinned up all over the walls. So off I go, maybe it'll help me sleep, problem. Something must connect your dick to your thigh, does anybody else know about this?

Eric: Brad!

Luke Cooper: Well, it hurts my leg so bad, I gotta stop. Talking about my health, boys. Sorry.

Eric: No, it's okay.

Brad: Yeah, it's cool.

Luke Cooper: Everybody does it, it's good for the country. Especially your age when girls are illegal. It's like they're fucking paid not to like it. You see them in the hallways with their new cosmetics. Where do you think they get the money?

Eric: Kyle, what are you thinking about, man?

Kyle: What? I'm just listening.

Eric: C'mon, c'mon, what are you thinking about?

Brad: C'mon, Kyle.

Eric: Yeah! There you go!

Luke Cooper: A girl? She's cute. I got ESP. I see her face in the river. Did you tell her you're a pilot? Might help.

Eric: Hey, we shouldn't stay out in the open should we? I mean cause...

Luke Cooper: If I can't fix things, I'll be living in the open.

Kyle: When you leave.

Luke Cooper: When I leave, I got an empty gun. I'm the type of guy I like to have a solution to the problems when they come up. You understand what I mean? Hit me.

[Eric pours water on Luke]

Brad: Hasn't Seaton told you about the radio impulses coming from your house?

Col. Lancaster: No. Seaton?

Seaton: Yes, Colonel!

Col. Lancaster: What's this all about?

Seaton: Nothing very precise. I mean... the signals are weak, but the strange thing is: you can hear them even here.

Col. Lancaster: Well, can you detect the source of the impulses with that thing?

Seaton: I... could try, Sir.

Col. Lancaster: Go ahead and try it, quickly!

Seaton: Yes. Yes... I've got it.

Brad: Here? Where?

Seaton: It's coming from here.

Col. Lancaster: The eye! I'll be damned.

Brad: The boss?

Alfredo: Sounds like he's in a hurry.

Brad: I've known him for ten years, and for ten years he's been in a hurry.

Vivian: Lover, you're run down. And this vacation in Portofino isn't helping you much.

Brad: *Now* what's the matter? Jealous of your pupils, Vivian?

Vivian: I'm gonna worry about competition from those young things? Come on, Brad!

Brad: Give me a punch.

Seaton: What?

Brad: Give me a punch in the nose. You heard me.

Seaton: [punches Brad in the nose] Sorry, Brad. Does it hurt?

Brad: Only when I breathe.

Brad: [upon entering a large underground hideout] Some pad you've got here.

Karalis: We call it home.

Brad: A bit awkward, isn't it?

Karalis: A friend could never be called awkward.

[a blade thrusts out of Karalis' fake hunchback hump]

Karalis: This friend protects my back, and keeps me close company.

Brad: Is it time yet?

Karalis: Almost. This hump is a real good luck charm for our side, but it is only bad news for the others.

Col. Lancaster: Welcome aboard, Brad.

Brad: It's always a pleasure to visit your boat, Colonel.

Col. Lancaster: Inherited from the Lancasters. The service doesn't offer this kind of transportation.

Brad: [chuckles] My salary wouldn't even pay for the fuel.

Col. Lancaster: Come over here. Go ahead an open it up.

[the opened trunk contains the body of their stabbed agent]

Col. Lancaster: It was sent to my villa last night. No card from the donor.

Brad: He looks pretty dead.

Col. Lancaster: He is. Knifed in the heart. Once we're out to sea we'll dump him. I don't want to keep this kind of cargo aboard. No license.

Col. Lancaster: You've heard of the laser, of course.

Brad: Classical military legend. The super death ray.

Col. Lancaster: Precisely. And our boys at the defense department have been playing with the same toys. McGruder says that the girl hasn't talked, at least not yet.

Brad: What do you want from me, Colonel?

Col. Lancaster: The girl. And right away.

Willie: Good morning, Colonel!

Brad: Hi Willie. Thought you were in Hong Kong.

Willie: Oh brother, was I. I ate boiled serpents and fried ants for three weeks. What's on the menu this time, Colonel?

Col. Lancaster: Couscous, gentlemen. I hope you don't get indigestion.

Jordan Belfort: Brad, show them how it's done. Sell me that pen. Watch. Go on.

Brad: You want me to sell you this fucking pen?

Jordan Belfort: That's my boy right there. Can fucking sell anything.

Brad: Why don't you do me a favor. Write your name down on that napkin for me.

Jordan Belfort: I don't have a pen.

Brad: Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.

Donnie Azoff: I check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling light because I don't have shit from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.

Brad: You gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a fucking pass, just give me the case.

Donnie Azoff: You're gonna give me a pass?

Brad: Look, it's a figure of fucking speech, just give me the fucking...

Donnie Azoff: Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Donnie Azoff: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.

Brad: You'll give me a call?

Donnie Azoff: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.

Chantalle: Well, we don't work for you, man!

Donnie Azoff: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.

Donnie Azoff: You're a fucking pill dealer. I got five more just like you, bro.

Brad: Keep talking, you fucking piece of shit!

Donnie Azoff: And you know what else? You dress like shit, so fuck you!

Brad: Fucking motherfucker!

[knocks Donnie unconscious]

Jordan Belfort: Oh! Jesus!

Brad: How about that, faggot? Who's a faggot?

Jordan Belfort: [checks on Donnie] You okay? Hey, pal.

Brad: [Donnie haphazardly gets out from car] Put the fucking car in park, you dumb fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: [slurred speech] I can't... I can't close this briefcase.

Brad: One fucking day. One fucking day, you couldn't keep it together?

Donnie Azoff: I'm fucked up, Brad. Fucked up.

Brad: Gotta be fucking kidding me.

Donnie Azoff: [stands up tall, smiling] It's a joke!

Brad: It's a joke?

Donnie Azoff: I'm sober.

Brad: Jesus fucking Christ!

Dr. Everett Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!

[Rocky grunts]

Dr. Everett Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!

[Rocky grunts]

Frank: Oh, come on Brad, admit it, you liked it didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure. Oh, Brad, you've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know - I won't tell her!

Brad: Well, you promise you won't tell?

Frank: On my mother's gra...

[voice trails off into gurgles as mouth becomes otherwise occupied!]

Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad: For God's sake, keep a grip on it, Janet.

Janet: But it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad: It's just a party, Janet.

Janet: Well, I wanna go!

Brad: Well we can't go back to the car unless we get to a phone.

Janet: Well, ask the butler or someone!

Brad: Just a moment, Janet. We don't want to interfere with their celebration.

Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad!

Janet: [whispering] Say something!

Brad: Say! Any of you guys know how to Madison?

Magenta: How sentimental.

Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said that 'we' were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Magenta and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Dr. Everett Scott: Great heavens! That's a laser!

Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.

Brad: You mean, you're going to kill him? What's his crime?

Dr. Everett Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.

Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N. Furter, your time has come. Say good-bye to all of this... and hello to oblivion.

Riff Raff: Hello.

Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss. I wonder if you'd mind helping us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?

Riff Raff: You're wet.

Janet: Yes, it's raining.

Brad: Yes.

Riff Raff: Yes... I think perhaps you better both come inside.

Janet: You're too kind. Oh, Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Brad: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Janet: Oh.

Riff Raff: This way.

Janet: Are you having a party?

Riff Raff: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Janet: Oh, lucky him.

Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...

Frank: Enchanté. Well! How nice. And what charming underclothes you both have. But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less... vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality.

Brad: Hospitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore!

Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad: Ungrateful!

Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... dominant.

Brad: [after Dr. Scott charges through the wall] Great Scott!

Frank: Magenta. Columbia. Go and assist Riff Raff. I will entertain... err...

[chortles, extending hand to Brad]

Frank: ...?

Brad: Brad Majors.

[Shakes hands firmly]

Brad: This is my fiancee, Janet Vice.

Janet: Weiss!

Brad: Weiss.

[Clears throat]

Frank: Enchanté.

Janet: [Giggles]

Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.

Brad: Some people like you, maybe?

Columbia: Ha! I've seen it.

Frank: Do you have any tattoos?

Brad: [offended] Certainly not!

Brad: [singing] Dammit, Janet, I love you.

Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. We'll just say where were are and go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry.

Frank: [singing] Well, you got caught with a flat/well, how about that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night/it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic! I'm just a sweet transvestite/from Transexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite? I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man/with blond hair and a tan. And he's good for relieving my tension. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual, Trasylvania.

Veronica Sawyer: You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...

Brad: Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.

Veronica Sawyer: You don't deserve my fucking speech.

Brad: It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

Hotel Manager: Just where do you think you are?

Jay O'Neill: The Library of Congress?

Rudy: Detroit?

Brad: Beyond the sun?

Brad: Guys, GUYS GUYS!

Suitcase Man: For the last time I'm telling you to get off! OFF!

Brad: GUYS!

Dr. Stan Gassko: Holy shit!

Rick Gassko: Diagnoses?

Dr. Stan Gassko: Medically speaking?

Rick Gassko: Yes.

Dr. Stan Gassko: Whacked out of his brains on drugs.

Rick Gassko: What the hell are you doing?

Brad: I'm slashing my wrist.

Rick Gassko: With an electric razor?

Brad: Yeah, I couldn't find any razor blades.

Rick Gassko: Well at least your wrist will be smooth and kissable.

Brad: [after dunking his head into an empty bathtub] Pain... is such a rush!

Melanie: [after having anal sex] You know, I do have a perfectly good pussy.

Brad: Oh I'm sure you do.

Melanie: Well, I do and other boys like it just fine.

Brad: Well fuck them then.

Brad: I think she bit it.

Melanie: She who?

Brad: Dawn.

Melanie: A baby bit into your finger?

Dawn: Can I have a serious talk with you? About you and Melanie.

Brad: There's no me and any bitch.

Dawn: Okay. From what I heard last night...

Brad: That turn you on?

Dawn: I know we've never been close. We've never been like sister and brother, and I really don't know why that is.

Brad: Sure you do. You know.

Dawn: I really don't, but whatever it is, I'd like for it to change.

Brad: You know all that abstinence bullshit. We all know who you've been saving yourself for. And I've been real patient. You think I like living here with these assholes?

Dawn: Mom and dad?

Brad: So why don't you just sit that pretty ass down.

[last lines]

Brad: Wait! Dawn, don't leave me!

Ryan: Hey, Brad. Uh, I'm here for Dawn.

Brad: [looking him over] You're out of your league, pussy boy.

Ryan: Excuse me?

Brad: [moving forward] Get the fuck off my property.

Ryan: [backing up] Hey, uh, listen, man...

[Brad punches Ryan in the face and he goes down]

Brad: If you want any more of that, you can come by and see us again, yeah?

Melanie: What is wrong with you?

Brad: You know what? You look a lot better with a dick in your mouth.

Melanie: Fucking bastard!

Brad: We want to get in bed with Newton Auto Air Freshners!

Brad: Dogs obey so much better than children. Don't they?

Brad: Nick, your job and everything aside, I hope you understand that second hand smoke's a real killer.

Nick Naylor: What are you talking about?

Brad: I just hope you're providing a smoke-free environment for Joey is all I'm saying.

Nick Naylor: Brad, I'm his *father*. You're the guy fucking his mom.

Brad: That was unnecessary.

Jack: I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis.

Brad: Ha, you got me!

Jack: [to Nick and Joey Naylor] Inside joke.

Brad: Hey you weren't supposed to be here for another 4 hours... What happened to your face?

Joel: same thing...! Your face is going to look like my face if I ever... ! Actually, your face is going to look worse than mine if...

Joel: You had sex with my wife again?

Brad: Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal, right? Besides, I'm not going to charge you.

Joel: You're not going to charge... You *are* going to charge me and I am going to pay you, because you are not going to have sex with my wife for free, all right?

Brad: Does your dad still run the newspaper?

Megan Morgan: I'm a reporter there.

Brad: Really? Kinda like a "Jimmy Olsen" with breasts.

Megan Morgan: Brad, You can't go in there. Let's just get help!

Brad: Who are we gonna call? Critter Busters?

Brad: Look!

Megan Morgan: Where are they all going?

Brad: I don't know. Looks like some kind of critter convention.

Brad: Nana, the critters are here.

Nana: No, shit, Bradley! Damn meat eaters!

Darryl: Look, Brad. I'm not trying to be your father, you already got one of those. I'm just hoping for a chance to be your friend.

Brad: You were my friend, Darryl. You were my best friend. We grew up together, we rode bikes together, we used to smell each others hands. But now you're sleeping with my mom and it's a little bit weird for me. Can you appreciate that?

Darryl: I never had a sexual thought about your mom until I was 30.

Brad: Can you leave it alone? You can't be my friend anymore. You can't be sleeping with my mom and still be my friend, ok?

Brad: My childhood was like the Shawshank Redemption, except I didn't have some old, warm, black man to share my story with!

Brad: I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a ten dollar spending cap.

Howard: Well, maybe if you came home more than once a decade, you'd know crap like that!

Connor: Do you know who I am?

Brad: What?

Connor: Google me bitch! I might be famous one day.

Kevin McMaxford: Or if they find a cure for Déjà Vu?

Brad: [scoffs] Not me.

Kevin McMaxford: Or if they find a cure for Déjà Vu?

Brad: [scoffs] Not me.

Kevin McMaxford: Something's happening to me. What is it?

Brad: You're smiling, sir.

Brad: Okay, so we put you up to it... but we said the Phi Omega Gamma house, *not* the Kappa Delta sorority. Do you know the difference?

Chris Romero: [shrugs] It's all Greek to me.

[the undead Amy rises from a slab as a zombie]

Amy Fitch: Thanks for the lovely evening, douche-bag. You really know how to treat a lady!

Andy McDermott: No! You're dead!

Amy Fitch: No, I'm undead. Which means I'm forced to walk this wretched earth until you die.

[Brad appears as a zombie]

Brad: Not so fast! You want my buddy dead, you're gonna have to come through me.

Amy Fitch: Oh, that's something.

[to Andy]

Amy Fitch: It took me four years on a stairmaster to get a package like this. You ripped through it like a lamb chop!

Andy McDermott: This can't be happening.

Brad: Don't blame me Andy. I warned you.

Amy Fitch: [to Andy] Wait a minute. You knew about this all along?

Cadaver: Hey, keep it quiet! Some of us are trying to rest in pieces here.

Andy McDermott: I didn't choose to become a werewolf. I can't face the fact that I've got to go around killing and eating people for the rest of my life.

Brad: Better get used to it.

Amy Fitch: [undead] thank's for the lovely evening, douche bag! You really know how to show a girl a good time don't you!

Andy McDermott: No,no,no you're dead!

Amy Fitch: No, I ain't so lucky I am undead and as your rotting sidekick I am cursed to remain a restless spirit until you die!

Brad: Not so fast., you want my buddy dead nutball you're gonna have to wait I need him first he's no use to me as a corpse

Amy Fitch: I waited Four year's on a stairmaster to get a package like this, you ripped through it like a lamb chop.

Brad: Don't blame me Andy I warned you.

Amy Fitch: [to Andy] wait you mean you knew this all along

[punches Andy her hand phase's through his mouth]

Amy Fitch: .

Andy McDermott: [banging his head against the wall] im losing... my... freaking skull!

Brad: Come on you gotta pull yourself together Andy, you gotta get outta here the cop's wanna put you away for life.

Andy McDermott: To Paris.

Chris: Beware.

[Andy and Chris make a toast]

Brad: Hey,hey watch it man. All right I have the score for Spain our leader with 125 daredevil points, yours truly and in second place with 95 Chris...

Chris: Wait hold on a second what about the sex points?

Brad: No,those are separate.

Chris: Since when you can't keep changing the rules.

Andy McDermott: Who said anything about sex points,read your shirt it say's Daredevil Tour.

Chris: [Girl passes by] you see that, she smiled at me.

Andy McDermott: In your dream's she's not interested in douche bags like us,european babes are charming and sophisticated especially the French

Brad: Yea hench the hairy pit's.

Andy McDermott: See what I mean.

Chris: I'll give you 30 sex point's if you can so much as get her phone number.

Andy McDermott: She's not my type.

Brad: Ah come on you-you haven't made a move this entire trip Andy.

Andy McDermott: I'm choosy.

Chris: When was the last time you had sex?

Brad: With another person?

Andy McDermott: There's sex and there's love,that's what differentiates human's from animal's.

Brad: Alright fine when where you last in love?

Andy McDermott: [to Chris] When where you ever in love?

Chris: Maps upside-down,slick.

Brad: Give him a break Chris, we can't let him fall to far back.

Andy McDermott: I won't need your charity once we get to Paris, Il show you guy's a stunt you'll never top.

Brad, Chris: [Sarcastically] Oooh

Johnny Doyle: Whoa. What are you doing?

Brad: I'm taking my shot.

Johnny Doyle: No. See, I just paid five-thousand dollars for your shot. Now it's my shot.

Arlo Pear: What happened to my car?

Brad: Brad probably loaned the car to the Pope. Don't let the hat fool you, Man, the Pope's a crazy fucker. He probably blessed the car, got wasted and drove it off a fucking cliff.

Brad: You know what love is backwards? It's E-V-O-L. Evil! Pure evil! Granted it's spelled differently, but it's the same thing.

[Brad's buying condoms]

Checkout lady: $4.75.

Brad: Oh, you know what, I'm a little short.

[Checkout lady looks toward his groin]

Brad: No, not that way! I'm short of money. Um. Uh. OK. Have you ever had this dream in life?... And these things

[indicating condoms]

Brad: , these stupid, stupid things could make all your dreams come true? That's what it's like with Brooke. Haven't you ever felt that way?

Checkout Lady: $4.75

Brad: Damn it!

V: How should we do this? On the bed, or standing?

Brad: I'll stand.

V: I meant ME.

Brad: Lazy people are the most important people in the world.

Laurie: Oh yeah?

Brad: Yeah. Yeah, laziness breeds efficiency. It's because of the lazy people that we have remote control, automatic transmission, go-gurt. All the handiwork of the lazies.

Brad: Okay, top or bottom...

Laurie: [stares back]

Brad: What? You wanna flip for it? Rock, paper, scissors?

Therapist: George, we have a nice man coming by to take you to the theater, the musuem, help you re-introduce yourself to the world. Are you ready for that, George?

George: I don't know.

Therapist: What did you tell me the other day? You said, I'm a Ready Teddy Yo! What did you say yesterday?

George: I'm a ready teddy yo.

Therapist: Are you afraid, George? That you'll go out there and start lying again?

Phil: [in a crazy English accent] No, No. He's just afraid of lyin. Isn't that right, Pinoch?

[means pinocchio]

Phil: Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha! He starts lyin', then his nose starts growin', I hate it when that happens. Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Therapist: Now that's enough Phil, you let him talk.

Brad: Nah, he's afraid he'll see his old girlfried, and he won't be able to get it up.

Therapist: Is that true George?

George: No! Anyway, she dumped me.

Therapist: Why did she dump you, George?

Male patient: [stands up and points at George] She dumped you because you told her you were a brain surgeon!

Therapist: Did you tell her that, George?

George: No.

Therapist: What did you tell her?

George: Told her I was a paratrooper in the navy seals.

Phil: [in a Peter Falk Columbo voice] Wait! Are you saying that this man is not in our armed service? Did you know this? I didn't know this! I have egg on my face!

Therapist: George, George why did you feel like you had to lie to her?

George: Oh! She never would have looked at me twice if I had told her I was a Volvo Salesman for Horsch Muller!

Therapist: The guys put a little something together for you George, to help give you confidence in your new life.

Phil: [in William Shatner's voice] Very well Mister Spock. Gentleman, set your phasers on stun.

Tim: Ha Ha!

Phil: [still in William Shatner's voice] George, on behalf of my entire crew, Spock, Bones, Scotty

[makes the hand motions for emphasis]

Phil: We'd like to present to you a little gift we picked up on Rigel 4. It's our way of saying, good luck out there in the world. God Speed, show 'em what you're made of mister!

[salutes]

Tim: [makes the Vulcan hand sign for greetings and goodbye]

Phil: [still in the William Shatner voice] Live Long and Prosper! Go where no *man*, has... gone before!

Therapist: Phil, for God's sakes! Put a sock in it, will ya?

Phil: I was simply sayin...

[trails off and sits down as he finishes the last word, like a toy with its battery pulled]

George: [George begins to open the tall box Phil placed on his lap] I can honestly say I didn't expect to get...

[opens the box]

George: a hat!

[the gift is a tall top hat much like Abe Lincoln wore during his presidency]

Tim: It's an Honest Abe hat.

Brad: Yeah, its to house your mickey, after a busy day of lyin'!

Therapist: I know it doesn't look like much George, but the fellas did work pretty hard on it.

George: I'm not ashamed of this hat! Far from it! I'm gonna wear this hat! I'm not afraid anymore!

[stands]

George: I'm ready for my new life!

Therapist: Then say it, George!

George: I'm a ready teddy yo!

Frank-N-Furter: Unlock a mind, unmind a lock. It's the same as the beginning of the end. Do you follow?

Janet: No.

Brad: It's an anagram, Janet.

Brad: Don't let her manipulate you, man!

Kathleen: [pause as Solomon sits there terrified] Alright... FUCK!

Brad: Jesus, those flyers don't grow on trees

Brad: So you see, I got this chick back at my apartment, right. She thinks I'm her best friends brother.

Zeke: Why the fuck does she think that?

Brad: Because I told her I was. It was the only way she'd come home with me.

Eric: Do you even know her best friend?

Brad: Of course not, I never know their best friend, but if they believe I know their best friends, then I'm like... Safe.

Zeke: What the fuck you mean safe?

Brad: Safe, you know, it's like she wants to know you have something in common before she lets you in. It's kinda like the college connection. When you meet a chick from college she automatically feels comfortable lettin you nail her. She thinks that you have this common bond all because you go to the same school. All of the sudden,(snaps fingers), SAFE.

Brad: It's been three years since I had sex, Jones.

Jones: Woah.

Brad: Did you say "woah"? Three years of celibacy deserves more than "woah". "Woah" doesn't come close.

Jones: Try seventeen.

Brad: What, years?

Jones: The first twelve are pretty easy.

Brad: What about the, uh...

[indicates the girl upstairs]

Brad: [Jones shakes his head]

Brad: So you're a...

[Jones nods]

Brad: Woah.

Brad: One more and I blow you little sister's best friend out of your trousers!

Brad: Why would we go there?

Eddie: Not a single student would be caught dead there.

Ash: Don't you mean caught... UNDEAD there?

Brad: You wouldn't have these problems if you would just follow my rules: 100. Friends don't let friends fuck ugly people 99. Try everything twice, the first time you might have been doing it wrong 98. Fat girls give the best head because they're always hungry 97. Cologne: overrated... Deodorant: a must 96. Blondes are usually too dumb to realize they're having more fun 95. After puberty, that's not "baby fat" 94. ATM = the Holy Grail 93. All hippie chicks deep throat, but few vegans swallow 92. Women like shoes. They will look at yours; purchase accordingly 91. BBBJ or why bother? 90. Women cannot parallel park 89. If you wanna fuck it, you've got to be willing to lick it. 88. Ass, stomach, legs, boobs - in that order 87. If it's not dirty, you're doing something wrong 86. If a friend's apartment is running low on toilet paper, you're required to use it all 85. Cheerleaders are overrated 84. Under no circumstance may two men share an umbrella 83. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her 82. Other than in February, the 14th of every month is Pizza and Blowjob Night 81. Dogs are better than cats... period 80. Bigger is never better when they're fake 79. Don't leave the house until you're camera ready 78. A period does not equal a week off from sex 77. Mustaches and hunting = gay 76. Sucking your best friend's dick = priceless 75. You are not accountable if you bring ugly people home, unless you fuck them again in the morning 74. If her mom isn't a MILF, chances are she won't be one either 73. Fake orgasms count, as long as they're not yours 72. The G-spot does not exist 71. There is NOTHING sexy about pregnant women 70. Persistence gets you laid 69. Never give yourself a haircut while drunk 68. No panties = a good night 67. Drinks hard liquor = a great night 66. Tongue piercing = God loves you! 65. Saliva isn't always the best lubricant, just the most fun to apply 64. White cotton panties and knee socks. Enough said! 63. Never lend money to friends 62. Never lend books, CDs, or DVDs to anyone 61. The month you finish paying for your car, it will break down 60. Elvis is not dead 59. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone 58. What's good for you usually won't taste better. Example: processed peanut butter vs. the all-natural kind 57. People who don't use turn signals deserve mandatory prison sentences 56. Never let a girl shave your balls 55. Porn saves lives 54. Republicans are better at... well... nothing 53. If you've never had New Haven brick oven pizza, you've never had pizza. There is no pizza in New York or Chicago. Don't argue, you'll just sound foolish 52. Old country = cool Alt-country = really cool New country = sucks 51. Condition your hair once a day 50. Masturbate twice a day 49. Eat three square meals every day 48. Women should never cut their hair, unless they're going to play for the other team 47. Crying is blackmail 46. Your choice: spay or neuter your pet... or yourself 45. If she sleeps in your bed, sex is a given 44. If a girl leaves her dirty panties lying around, she wants you to sniff them 43. There's no such thing as "giving 110%" 42. Halloween is the only holiday that matters 41. Sympathy sex trumps make-up sex 40. Body hair just gets in the way 39. Rip bread, don't slice it 38. Every man should learn how to dance, but no other man should know he can 37. Men have no right to speak on the subject of abortion 36. Every decade gives us only one great double album: The White Album, Exile On Main Street, London Calling, Being There, and Cold Roses. 35. Chivalry is not dead, but she has to earn it 34. Watch Carnival Of Souls at least once in your lifetime 33. If your pubic hair is blonde or red, shaving is optional 32. You can cheat on girls with hairy legs 31. If they don't answer, it means yes 30. Never turn down a chance to sleep with a celebrity 29. Sex is better in warmer climates 28. Emo guys = gay; emo gals = easy marks 27. Never trust people who don't drink coffee 26. Springsteen really is The Boss 25. If there's a problem, talk it out 24. If you can't talk it out: fuck, then try again 23. Never lease what you can buy 22. Never break up using a post-it note, her biker friends will hurt you for it 21. Never say "no" to a green-eyed girl 20. Live life as if The Catcher In The Rye were your bible 19. Don't lie, you will get caught 18. Admit that the 1986 Mets were the greatest baseball team of all time and life will be easier 17. Know the legal age of consent in every place you visit 16. Wild animals belong in the wild, not in zoos, fairs, or roadside attractions 15. Pussy farts are charming 14. Only wear a bra if you're going to offend me 13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder 12. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye 11. Never underestimate the power of stupid peoplein large groups 10. When in doubt, mumble 9. Masturbation is overrated 8. Small boobs are misunderstood 7. Better to be feared than loved, but even better to have your love feared 6. Handcuffs are the ultimate sex toy 5. If you can't convince them, confuse them 4. Quiet girls are the most likely to toss your salad 3. Women do not understand remote controls, there is no exception to this rule 2. Never overthink... And the most important rule of all: Friends don't fuck.

Brad: You don't know what's coming for you.

Brad: Decking that prick felt great. But that was the only thing to feel good about. Who were those nuns? Why didn't I protest? I just froze. Or did I? It was almost like I wanted them to fire me. Sasha. Losing my job. Everything just spinning in my mind, I felt numb. Then I was overcome with a strange emotion. Is this what it feels like to be free?

[last lines]

Brad: I read about this guy once, he rode the New York metro for 18 hours before anyone noticed that he was dead. In that moment, sitting there, I wondered; how long till someone finds me? Was that me you were gonna be reading about in tomorrows paper? And as I faded deeper and deeper, I asked myself; was it worth it? Well it was, because it didn't take 18 hours to find me, thank fuck for London's busy tubes. 18 seconds later we pulled into the next station and as I heard that lady's voice, I thought of Jodie. For three weeks I lay in that hospital bed, dreaming about our future; Jodie, me and gay Purie, not to mention her dog, Alan. I can't believe she called a dog Alan, who names a dog Alan? Anyway, all I know is, I cannot wait to see her and start a new life in a new city. I can just picture her hair blowing in the breeze on a hot summer's day. There was a point, there was a reason, it wasn't for nothing. No more running, no more hiding, I was so close to finally being free.

Elliott Nash: [after an anxiety induced examination] Say, Brad. Brad, there are fourteen columns of doctors in the yellow pages of the phone book. I might choose one of them one day.

Brad: [dropping the phone book on Elliott's desk in front of him] Bless you my boy.

Patrick: You gonna do anything?

Brad: What are you talking about?

Patrick: I'm talking about your pet ape just tripped me. Gonna say something?

Brad: Why would I?

Patrick: You know why.

Brad: This is pathetic, man. Your fixation on me.

Patrick: Do you want your friends to know how you got those bruises? Really?

Brad: I got jumped in a parking lot.

Patrick: Where? Schenley Park? Do you guys know about Schenley Park?

Brad: I don't know what kinda sick shit you're trying to pull, but you better walk away right now. Nothing.

Patrick: Fine. Say hi to your dad for me.

Brad: Whatever, faggot.

Brad: I think you should sound like, a normal person... from the heart! From... the... heart!

Ifty: From the heart

Sam: This argh okay hello thank you for calling this is Saaaaaaaam

Ifty: Wow!

Brad: I feel that was a very thouching moment right there.

Ifty: I, I, I, I felt that one

Sam: High five!

All: High five!

Brad: I gave up a date with a daydream to come here!

Brad: [shooting to scare] Sure hope I don't miss and hit one.

Claude: What am I going to do with you?

Brad: Whatever you want.

Brad: [having awakened in a stranger's apartment] Oh, where are my clothes?

Claude: What clothes?

Brad: [worried] I do hope I had some on last night.

Claude: And here is everything that was in the pockets.

Brad: Oh, just like in prison.

Claude: Excuse me?

Claude: [referring to his own body] Did you find some imperfections somewhere?

Brad: No, not at all, Elephant Man.

Clay: When did treating women with respect become the joke?

Brad: Oh, come on.

Clay: You want to laugh at believing love can be something sacred? Go ahead. Laugh.

Drew: It did that to your face?

Brad: I'd take a guy with a gun any day.

[first lines]

Rox: Back up. Back up, back up. Turn around, turn around.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

[the men wearing masks drive by a couple walking, then the men get out of their vehicle to confront the couple]

Brad: [the cameraman tells the other assailiant] Show her tits! Ha ha ha! Whoo!

[the cameraman notices the boyfriend of the girl charge after them]

Brad: Oh, shit! Run, run, run! Go, go go!

Gary: [the camera cuts to the footage afterwards of the men destroying a building] It's cool, huh?

Fifth Thug: Hell, yeah!

Brad: [Brad laughs nervously] Really, uh... it just doesn't make any sense, though. I mean... It's just dark, you know? This is... This is Texas, man! It's like... it's like, 55 degrees in this shit,

[Brad sighs]

Brad: You know what I think? The government, man... They've gotta have, like... uh...

Elizabeth: There is no government...

Brad: ...something up their sleeve.

Elizabeth: There is not government anymore, Brad! So many of those things have gone off that we can't even fucking see the sun anymore!

Brad: Look, there's always a government, all right? Somebody did this to us! I wanna find out if we did anything back to them!

Elizabeth: Who the fuck cares? Hunter and I were on the shortwave last light, and everybody is going through the exact same thing we are, okay?

Brad: Fucking bitch! I wanna know what the President did! I wanna know. I wanna know what we're doing... Fuck!

Brad: Are you fucking crazy? Gonna make my wife, piss in a Goddamn bucket?

Brad: Get away from me!

Terry: So let me get this straight: in your world, men like being with women?

Brad: That's what they say - until they drink a six-pack.

Brad: Julie. Hey. The minute you accept that you're different is the moment you become normal.

Bill Dempson: Me and you stopped talkin'.

Brad: You stopped talkin' to me.

Bill Dempson: Well, what happened?

Brad: Well, I told you I was a fag.

Bill Dempson: Oh, yeah.