Otis Quotes in Superman (1978)

Lex Luthor: Miss Teschmacher, when I was six years old my father said to me...

Miss Teschmacher: "Get out!"

Lex Luthor: [laughing] Before that. He said, "Son, stocks may rise and fall, utilities and transportation systems may collapse. People are no damn good, but they will always need land and they will pay through the nose to get it! Remember," my father said...

Otis: "... land."

Lex Luthor: Right. It's a pity he couldn't see from such humble beginnings how I've created this empire.

Miss Teschmacher: An empire? This?

Lex Luthor: Miss Teschmacher, how many girls do you know who have a Park Avenue address like this one?

Miss Teschmacher: [sarcastically] A Park Avenue address? Two hundred feet below?

Lex Luthor: Do you realize what people are shelling out up there, for a few miserable rooms off a common elevator?

Lex Luthor, Otis: What more could anyone ask?

[Otis tells Lex how he's inputted the coordinates on the missile]

Lex Luthor: Otis! The third one was to be 11, and the fourth one, seven!

Otis: Oh. Oh, gee. Aw, gee. Gee, Mr. Luthor. Oh, I see. I guess my arm wasn't long enough, see?

Lex Luthor: Otis, would you like to see a long arm? Otis, would you like to see a very, very long arm?

Otis: Oh, no, Mr. Luthor.

[pointing to a map of California and the San Andreas Fault]

Lex Luthor: Everything west of this line is the richest, most expensive real estate in the world: San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco. Everything on THIS side of the line is just hundreds and hundreds of miles of worthless desert land, which just so happens to be owned by...

[Whacks Otis with his pointer]

Otis: Uh... Lex Luthor Incorporated.

Lex Luthor: Now, call me foolish, call me irresponsible, but it occurs to me that a 500 megaton bomb planted at just the proper point would...

Superman: Would destroy most of California. Millions of innocent people would be killed. The west coast as we know it would...

Lex Luthor: Fall into the sea.

Lex Luthor: [Gives a little wave with his hand] Bye-bye, California. Hello, new west coast. *My* west coast.

[Otis overlays map with new map]

Lex Luthor: Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Lexington. Marina Del Lex. Otisburg. Lex Springs... Otisburg?

Otis: Miss Teschmacher's got her own place.

[indicates "Teschmacher Peaks"]

Lex Luthor: *Otisburg*?

Otis: It's an itty bitty town.

Lex Luthor: [Angry] OTISBURG?

Otis: Okay, I'll wipe it off. Just a little town, that's all.

[Erases Otisburg]

[Lex stands on his library sliding ladder searching for a book]

Lex Luthor: n... n... n...

Otis: 'M'! You want 'M' Mr. Luthor?

[Otis moves the sliding ladder Lex is standing on, leaving Lex hanging from a shelf]

Otis: So, there you go, 'M'.

Lex Luthor: 'M' as in moron Otis? No, no, no, it's 'N'! 'N' as in neanderthal, nincompoop, nitwit and 'L' as in ladder!

Lex Luthor: [swimming in the pool, listening to news broadcasts about Superman] Miss Teschmacher! Turn it off.

Miss Teschmacher: [lying by the sunlamps] Lex, what's the story on this guy? Do you think it's the genuine article?

Lex Luthor: If he is, he's not from this world.

Miss Teschmacher: Why?

Lex Luthor: Because, if any human being were going to perpetrate such a fantastic hoax, it would have been me! Otis! My robe!

Otis: Right away, Mr. Luthor!

Lex Luthor: It all fits somehow, his coming here to Metropolis. And at this particular time. There's a kind of cruel justice about it. I mean, to commit the crime of the century, a man naturally wants to face the challenge of the century.

Otis: Listen, Mr. Luthor, maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

Lex Luthor: [Lex gets out of the pool, and stops at the top step. Otis starts helping Lex on with the robe as the bottom of it proceeds to get soaked] Passing through? Not on your life. Which I would gladly sacrifice, by the way, for the opportunity of destroying everything that he represents. And, Otis, by the way, next time put my robe on *after* I'm out of the pool.

Otis: Oooohhhh!

Miss Teschmacher: Tell me something, Lex, why do so many people have to die for the crime of the century?

Lex Luthor: Why? You ask why? Why does the phone always ring when you're in the bathtub?

[walking away]

Lex Luthor: *Why* is the most diabolical leader of our time surrounding himself with total nincompoops?

Otis: I'm back, Mr. Luthor!

Lex Luthor: Yes, I was just talking about you.

[Superman appears in Luthor's office]

Lex Luthor: Otis, take the gentleman's cape.

[Superman glares]

Otis: I don't think he wants me to, Mr. Luthor.

[the warden of a prison is sitting in his office when he hears the alarms sound & the guard dogs barking. He steps onto his balcony to see Superman flying into the prison yard, holding Luthor & Otis by the scruff of their jackets]

Lex Luthor: You're messing up my suit, you lummox, you!

Lex Luthor: [to Superman] Watch the ground!

[They land with a start. Luthor & Otis are immediately cornered by the guards]

Superman: Good evening, Warden. I think these 2 men should be safe here with you now till they can get a fair trial.

Warden: Who is it, Superman?

Lex Luthor: [Lex rips off his wig to reveal his bald head] Lex Luthor! The greatest criminal mind of our time!

Otis: [repeating what Lex says] ... Of our time!

Lex Luthor: I hereby serve notice...

Otis: He's serving notice to you...

Lex Luthor: That these walls...

Otis: That these walls here...

Lex Luthor: Will you shut up, please!

Superman: [to the guards] All right, take them away, boys!

[the guards take Luthor & Otis to a cell]

Lex Luthor: [shouting at Otis as the guards lead them away] Neanderthal! Nitwit! Nincompoop!

Lex Luthor: Otis, is that the newspaper I asked you to get me?

Otis: Yeah.

Lex Luthor: Why am I not reading it?

Otis: [thinks for a second] 'Cause I haven't given it to you yet?

Lex Luthor: [smiles] Right...

[snatches the newspaper from Otis' hand]

Miss Teschmacher: [looking at Lex's newspaper] A meteorite found in Addis Ababa. Uh, I know I'm gonna get rapped in the mouth for this, but... So what?

Lex Luthor: So what. You mean, to us, they're just meteorites. Fair enough. But the level of *specific* radioactivity is so high, to anyone from the planet Krypton, this substance is *lethal*!

Otis: Wait a minute, Mr. Luthor. You mean, fire and bullets can't hurt this guy, but this stuff here...

Miss Teschmacher, Otis: [in unison] ... will kill him!

Lex Luthor: Doesn't it give you, like, a shudder of electricity... to be in the same room with me?

Miss Teschmacher: [laughs] Not like the shudder *you're* gonna get when you try to lay that rock on him. He can see you coming for miles with those super-peepers of his.

Lex Luthor: [obviously, he's already thought of this] "Oh, Lord... You gave them eyes, yet they cannot see." Nor can Superman, through lead.

Miss Teschmacher: [understanding] He... can't... see... through... lead!

Lex Luthor: And Kryptonite will destroy him. Any questions, class?

Alex Rogan: Otis, I just never have a chance to have a good time around here.

Otis: Things change. Always do. You'll get your chance! Important thing is, when it comes, you've got to grab with both hands, and hold on tight!

Otis: We lost two assets attempting to neutralize Wiseman-designate Howell.

Adrian Yates: How is that possible?

Otis: He was armed with a spoon, sir.

Lex Luthor: North... Why does he always go north?

Otis: He wants to ski?

Otis: How're we gonna get over that wall?

Lex Luthor: How'd we get in here?

Otis: We flew in, doncha remember?

Lex Luthor: That's how we're gonna get out.

Eve Teschmacher: [offscreen from a balloon] Psst.

Lex Luthor: Did you do "psst?"

Otis: No, but I wish I had before we left.

Eve Teschmacher: Psst.

Lex Luthor: Not that "psst", *that* "psst."

Eve Teschmacher: Psst.

Lex Luthor: Psst.

Otis: Psst.

Lex Luthor: Don't go "psst" when I go "psst".

Otis: Oh.

Lex Luthor: Get out there and find it.

Otis: Okay. What am I looking for?

Lex Luthor: You'll know it when you see it.

Otis: Oh. Psst.

Panoramix: C'est une bonne situation, ça, scribe ?

Otis: Vous savez, moi je ne crois pas qu'il y ait de bonne ou de mauvaise situation. Moi, si je devais résumer ma vie aujourd'hui avec vous, je dirais que c'est d'abord des rencontres. Des gens qui m'ont tendu la main, peut-être à un moment où je ne pouvais pas, où j'étais seul chez moi. Et c'est assez curieux de se dire que les hasards, les rencontres, forgent une destinée... Parce que quand on a le goût de la chose, quand on a le goût de la chose bien faite, le beau geste, parfois on ne trouve pas l'interlocuteur en face je dirais, le miroir qui vous aide à avancer. Alors ça n'est pas mon cas, comme je disais là, puisque moi au contraire, j'ai pu : et je dis merci à la vie, je lui dis merci, je chante la vie, je danse la vie... je ne suis qu'amour ! Et finalement, quand beaucoup de gens aujourd'hui me disent « Mais comment fais-tu pour avoir cette humanité ? », et bien je leur réponds très simplement, je leur dis que c'est ce goût de l'amour ce goût donc qui m'a poussé aujourd'hui à entreprendre une construction mécanique, mais demain qui sait ? Peut-être simplement à me mettre au service de la communauté, à faire le don, le don de soi...

Otis: Maybe you don't realize it, Milo, but this a major day for me, because... well, maybe you don't realize it, but this is the day I've become... a watchdog!

Narrator: To keep up his spirits, he began singing a dog marching song.

Otis: Here comes the dog, strong and brave - woof! Here comes the dog, your life he...

[falls into a hole]

Narrator: He then decided to skip the whole thing.

Otis: [after Sandra gives birth to their first puppy] It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy!

Sandra: Uh, Otis... you ran out a little too soon.

Otis: It's a litter! It's a litter!

Milo: Look what the blizzard blew in! You look hungry; how about some fish?

Otis: Okay, but not for me; for my puppies.

Milo: You have puppies? Me, too!

Otis: You have *what?*

Milo: I mean, uh, uh... kittens.

Narrator: Otis resumed his search for Milo. He saw in the distance an animal that he thought might be helpful.

Fox: [singing and swimming in a creek] Deeya-da da da dat da, deya-da datta da... Eeyo edata da, de do doo datta-da.

[Otis runs down the hill]

Fox: Eeya dat-datta da!

[continues singing, climbs out of creek]

Fox: Oh... ah! Gah...

[shakes water off]

Fox: Ooh, that's better.

[proceeds to jump in meadow]

Otis: Excuse me! I'm looking for a friend of mine!

Fox: I'm looking for, uh, someone to play with! Wanna race me across the stream, eh?

Otis: I haven't got time!

Narrator: ...Otis said, sensing that this fox wasn't going to be any great help.

Fox: Hey wait a second... What kind of animal are you anyway?

Otis: I'm a dog, of course.

Fox: How can you be a dog? You have no tail!

Narrator: Otis was outraged.

Otis: I certainly do! Look!

[wags his tail]

Fox: Ha! You call that a tail? THIS is a tail! Ha ha ha!

[waves his tail wildly]

Narrator: And with that, the fox jumped away laughing.

Milo: You're a strange-looking cat.

Otis: Oh, I'm not a cat; I'm a dog.

Milo: All right, a dog, I understand, but... deep down inside, we're all cats, right?

Otis: I'd like to kill somebody.

Henry: Say that again.

Otis: I'd like to kill somebody.

Henry: Let's me and you go for a ride, Otis

Henry: If you shoot someone in the head with a .45 every time you kill somebody, it becomes like your fingerprint, see? But if you strangle one, stab another, and one you cut up, and one you don't, then the police don't know what to do. They think you're four different people. What they really want, what makes their job so much easier, is pattern. What they call a modus operandi. That's Latin. Bet you didn't know any Latin, did you kid?

Otis: Big fucking deal.

Henry: What?

Otis: Nothing.

Henry: It's like a trail of shit, Otis. It's like the blood droppings from a deer you shot, and all they've got to do is follow those droppings, and pretty soon, they're going to find their deer.

Otis: Why don't you use a gun?

Henry: You can use a gun. I'm not saying you can't use a gun. Just don't use the same gun twice.

Otis: Adios, motherfucker.

Becky: I don't want to talk about Leroy!

Otis: Okay, we don't have to talk about him! You hungry?

Becky: Yeah.

Otis: Good, I'm hungry too. I wonder if Leroy's hungry. (laughs)

Otis: Where you going?

Henry: Nowhere - you wanna come?

Henry: The most important thing is to keep moving, that way they might never catch up to you. I'm gonna have to pack up and be on the move, too, pretty soon.

Otis: Where you going?

Henry: Nowhere. You wanna come? We could be back this way in about a month.

Otis: I'm not supposed to leave the state without telling them.

Henry: So who's gonna know? As long as you show up when you're supposed to?

Otis: What if they check up on me at work?

Henry: Well, no plan is perfect.

Henry: What are you doing?

Otis: [rewinding the video they've just watched] I want to see it again.

Otis: [Otis sticks his head out the window of a moving vehicle as Henry drives, filming various women with a video camera until it hits something, busting the lens off; gets angry at Henry] Oh! Look what you did! Aw, God! Aw, Jesus! Look at it, it's ruined! Damn, Henry, you oughta look where you're driving!

Henry: Who the hell told you to stick your head out the window anyway?

Otis: You could've killed me!

Henry: Oh, that's right. Blame it on me.

Otis: Aw, this fuckin' camera!

[Otis tosses the camera out the window into the gutter, completely destroying it]

Henry: What'd you do that for?

Otis: It wasn't any good anymore.

Henry: Could've fixed it.

Otis: Shit, the lens was busted right off!

Henry: Could've fixed it!

Otis: How do you know? You a camera repairman? You should've said something.

Henry: You didn't give me a chance, Otis. You threw the fucker right out the window!

Otis: It ain't my fault it broke.

Henry: Oh, right.

Otis: [tension begins to settle] We can go back and get it if you want.

Henry: [chuckles sarcastically] Yeah.

Otis: [after a brief moment of silence] You wanna get a beer?

Henry: Not particularly.

Otis: I want a beer.

Henry: [immediately hits the brakes and reaches over Otis to open his door] If you want a beer so bad, Otis, go ahead and get one!

Otis: [snarkily] All right, I will!

[exits the vehicle, closes the door and says through the window]

Otis: See you later?

Henry: Yeah.

[Henry drives off while Otis stands there stranded in the street as he watches him]

TV Salesman: You can't get color for fifty dollars.

Henry: That's okay, let's see what you got.

TV Salesman: What have I got? You want cable-ready? You want remote control? You want UHF? You want thirteen-inch? You want nineteen-inch? I bet you'd love to have a nineteen-inch. You want Sony? You want Zenith? Do you want a GoldStar?

Henry: What can we get for a hundred-and-fifty?

TV Salesman: [points to one of the other TV sets off-camera] We'll let you have this set for a hundred-and-fifty. It's worth three-hundred. But here, take a look at this. For an extra seventy-five, you can take this six-hundred dollar set.

Otis: [Otis picks up the video camera] What's this?

TV Salesman: It's a camcorder.

Otis: What?

TV Salesman: It's a video-tape recorder and camera rolled into one. You just pop in a cassette and you're ready to go.

Otis: You can make your own movies with that?

Henry: What else would you do with this? How much you want for it?

TV Salesman: It's worth a grand. I'd take half.

Henry: Five-hundred bucks?

TV Salesman: Yeah. Half of a grand is five-hundred dollars.

Otis: That's a little more than we were planning to spend. I think we should just take the TV.

TV Salesman: Okay, which one do you want?

Otis: The fifty dollar one.

TV Salesman: The fifty dollar one... You guys come in here, I show you this, I show you that.

[seems infuriated]

TV Salesman: You creeps got a lousy fifty dollars to spend, you should've stopped me a long time ago. Take the fifty dollar set and get the hell out, I'm a busy man.

Henry: Well, we were really counting on a color set.

TV Salesman: [growing angry] What's the matter, you got shit in your ears? The black-and-white is fifty dollars! Take it or leave it!

Henry: Sorry for wasting your time. Come on, Otis.

TV Salesman: Don't give me sorry you dumbass. Did I stutter? Give me the fifty dollars and GET OUT!

Henry: I'll give you FIFTY BUCKS!

[stabs his hand with a soldering iron]

TV Salesman: So what can I do for you, gentlemen?

Otis: Boy, it's hot in here. Isn't it?

TV Salesman: I'm kind of cold.

Otis: We want a TV.

TV Salesman: How much you got to spend?

Henry: [to Otis] What do you got?

Otis: Fifty bucks.

TV Salesman: [pointing to the B&W TV] I can let you have that set over there for fifty bucks.

Otis: Well, turn it on. We want to see if it works.

TV Salesman: What's the matter? Don't you trust me?

Otis: Uh uh.

TV Salesman: [grabs TV plug and hands it to Otis] Here. Plug it in, down there.

Otis: Here?

TV Salesman: Yeah, down there. Real good. I see you've had some college.

TV Salesman: [TV turns on playing static and in black-and-white] Like you can see it, works real good. Just takes a while to warm up.

Otis: It's black-and-white.

TV Salesman: Of course, it's black-and-white. What do you expect for fifty bucks? Fucking 3D for Christ's sake?

Otis: Well, how much is color? We want color.

Otis: [tries to fix the TV, the reception messes up further. Finally, Otis can't take it no more] Ah, shit!

[kicks the TV set, destroying it and sending smoke in air]

Otis: Fuck...

[Henry walks in on Otis and the broken TV]

Henry: [scoffs] What did you do that for?

Otis: I guess I got carried away.

Henry: Well I guess you did, Otis.

Otis: Shit, I got to have a TV...

Henry: Well, let's go shopping.

Otis: I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

Dexter: Shark poison!

Ed: Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

Otis: Can you get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.

Ed: And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.

Otis: I should've died years ago.

Dexter: Tough break.

Otis: You think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass?

Ice Cream Man: Hey, what are you doing?

Otis: Stealing your truck.

Dexter: Yeah, we'll bring it back.

Otis: [after tasting the special sauce] It makes me glad I'm not dead!

Otis: [in Demented Hills] Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?

Dexter: They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?

Otis: Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!

Dexter: SHARK POISON?

Ed: Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?

Dexter: Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!

Otis: Can you get to a phone?

Dexter: There's no chance! What time is it?

Ed: Oh, I'll tell you.

[stares at his wrist]

Otis: It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.

Dexter: That means we've only got four hours to warn them!

Otis: But how are we gonna get out of here?

Otis: What's that junk you're pouring into our sauce?

Troy: Shut up, old man!

Kurt: Don't be rude to the elderly. The old man asked us a question. Now, it's called shark poison, and it's gonna make all your little Good Burger customers very, very sick.

Troy: So sick that I doubt any of them will ever want to eat here again.

Otis: I'm calling the cops!

Kurt: You're not calling anyone.

Ed: This is Otis, the fry cook!

Otis: I should have died years ago.

Otis: Sssssmokin!

Opal: I could work for you! Come in and sweep the floors, and straighten up shelves and take out the trash. I could do that.

Otis: Well that's what *I* do.

Opal: [looks down at dirty floor] Oh. You must sure need some help.

Otis: No wait, miss. I can't... I can't just give you a job. I can't give you a...

Opal: Thank you! You won't be sorry! I'm a real hard worker!

[exits]

Otis: That's nice. Thank you for listening. Have a nice day, ma'am. Have a nice day.

Opal: Did the animals escape from their cages?

Otis: No. I left the cages open.

Opal: You just let them roam around?

Otis: [embarrassed] I don't know... it's no good being locked up.

Otis: [sucking on a lozenge] Tastes like music. Reminds me of... being in jail.

Opal: Otis... what were you in jail for?

[he grunts uncomfortably]

Opal: You don't have to tell me. I was just wondering.

Otis: I never hurt anybody. Never meant to. But I've been locked up. I remember the day very well. I was sitting in a park playing a little music. And there were people walking their dogs and children were laughing. It was a perfect day so I felt like playing music. I put my... I put my hat out there... but I wasn't really playing for money I just thought that if maybe someone was enjoying it then they'd throw a little change in there... not much but just...

Opal: Well music is better if somebody's listening.

Otis: Anyways... this police man came up to me... he said I was disturbing the peace and then he tried to take my guitar away from me and I guess I got real angry at him. But I'm not a bad man. I'm just not

[sung]

Otis: a lucky man.

[spoken]

Otis: Anyway they told me that I broke that policeman's nose, and they charged me with assault on a police officer, and no matter what I said they wouldn't listen... no matter what I said they wouldn't... they gave me three years... I said I'm not a bad man I'm just not

[sung]

Otis: a lucky man.

[spoken]

Otis: but you, when I, when I look at you

[sung]

Otis: you are like a butterfly... a caterpillar's dream to fly. You bust out of this old cocoon and dry your wings off. Butterfly... go ahead and fly.

Gertrude the Parrott: Dog! Dog! DOG!

Otis: [rolls eyes] I *know* it's a dog

Otis: Why don't you sweep up?

Opal: With your guitar?

Reggie: [Admiring the pork ribs he's just barbecued] See this swine? It's fine, divine, sublime, and right...

Otis: ...on time!

Otis: The Black Paris Hilton done sissified you off the swine, that's what's up.

[confronting Jude about her pregnancy]

Frank: Do you know if it's a boy?

Otis: What do you care? You have a son.

Frank: Or a girl! I'm just asking!

Jude: What's the matter? Boy trouble?

Otis: Fuck you, Jude!

Jude: We're breaking up.

Otis: What?

Jude: Look, I'm not gonna screw you *and* your dad.

Jude: I think your Dad's home. You totally owe me, dude. He doesn't think you're a 'mo anymore.

[as he pulls his shirt on]

Otis: Hey, I am not gay.

[pointing to the bed]

Otis: Hello?

[Jude turns on his TV, revealing a gay porn video]

Jude: You "hello".

Sheriff: Not this time, boy. I'm in charge of my charges.

Brewster Baker: I want those kids, Sheriff.

Sheriff: I just bet you do.

T.V. Commentator: [running to pit road, with microphone in hand and camera crew in tow] On my way to Baker's car. Be there in a minute.

Sheriff: Well, I got an arrest warrant from the state of Texas, and extradition papers from the state of Georgia.

T.V. Commentator: Pardon me, officer. Brewster, what made you take that wrong turn?

Brewster Baker: Chris, I don't think I took a wrong turn. I'll tell ya, this sheriff here is from the same hometown as my six pack, and he's driven all the way from Texas to arrest these six hardened criminals.

T.V. Commentator: How 'bout a comment, Sheriff?

Sheriff: I'm a Texas law officer. I don't have to talk in front of no damn camera.

Brewster Baker: [to Chris] Ask one of the kids. They'll tell you what's going on.

T.V. Commentator: That sounds like a great story. How 'bout some comments, Sheriff?

Sheriff: [talking softly to Brewster] Look, can't we talk about this in private somewhere?

Brewster Baker: Well, there's no need to do that Sheriff. We are on network TV, but there's a good chance that the Governor of Texas, and the good people who elected you to office, are watching. Now's your chance to explain to them why you came here to arrest these six little kids.

Sheriff: Well, we didn't come here to arrest them, exactly.

Otis: Can I say 'howdy' to the folks back home?

Sheriff: Shut up Otis!

Brewster Baker: What did you come for?

Sheriff: We came to... check on 'em. Yeah.

Brewster Baker: To check on 'em?

Sheriff: Yeah.

[to Chris]

Sheriff: See, these children are orphans, and we have to make sure they have proper supervision. Well, I can see they're getting that.

[looking into camera, tipping his cowboy hat]

Sheriff: So I am very proud to report to the good people of the great State of Texas that these children are in the capable hands of...

[mumbling]

Sheriff: Mr. Brewster Baker.

Little Harry: [with Brewster holding him in his arms, flips down the Sheriff's hat] No shit Dick Tracy.

Otis: For half a dozen guys unloading on you so you look like a melted candle today we will gladly pay you on Tuesday. I don't know who's gonna go for that one...

V: It's so good to see you.

Otis: [responding to V rubbing him between the legs at the strip club] 'Bout time they got rid of shakin' hands.

V: [still rubbing Otis between his legs] Do you mind?

Otis: Do I mind if you rub my dick? No. Saves me the trouble. I'm trying to think of the last time I was asked a question that stupid.

Otis: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Otis: I'm in. Except for no money, it's a no-brainer for me. First off, making a stag film *has* to be a good time. Number two, my hat's off to you. Good job. We can do this. Wha-what are we talking about here? Making a dirty movie - film, whatever, whatever. What does that require? Pointing a camera at a he and a she... he'in and a-she'in.

Otis: Who wants to get laid?

Otis: I put my hand in my mouth after I touched all of that money. Could that be bad?

Max: Of course. That's how germs are spread.

Otis: It looks like a chicken wing or a cheese fry.

Otis: It was arousing... violently arousing.

Chet: Otis, did you even read the book?

Otis: Yes... no.

Max: Are you wearing mascara?

Otis: No... yes.

Max: Is that a pajama top?

Otis: No... Yes.

Otis: Cool! A dictionary! I'm gonna look up blowjob.

Otis: I think I'm gonna switch back to briefs.

Otis: There's also that dark side to the nose ring.

Otis: Cookie Man?

Otis: [to Bruce Thorpe] Thank God you're tall.

Josh Hutton: The last time I took a drink, I got into a car crash and I killed a girl.

Otis: No!

Josh Hutton: Yeah.

Otis: That's enough to drive you to drink.

Flip: Yeah, I heard tell once dudes that a guy has about 4,000 times in him before he's all used up.

Milo: It's fucking bullshit.

Danny: More like forty thousand.

Otis: In your dreams, stick man.

Danny: Add it up, two times a day, seven days a week for what... I don't know 40 years?

Taylor: Two times a day?

Otis: Who the fuck gets to do it two times a fucking day?

Danny: Me and Jess used to.

Otis: Two times a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year...

Danny: Me and Jess used to do it five times a day.

Taylor: For forty years? What about hangovers? What about christmas day? How the fuck are you going to do it five times on a Christmas Day while the family is sitting around carving up the turkey?

Danny: Make up for it at night with the wife.

Taylor: Wife? What wife? You haven't had a wife in over six months.

Danny: I haven't got a problem getting women. I've got this thing I do that make them go gaga.

Otis: How exactly do you mean gaga?

Danny: Gaga. Insane, beserk, talking in tongues, you know... gaga.

Milo: What like some sort of secret weapon?

Flip: Some kind of weird sideways movement?

Danny: I can't really say flip, but its pretty special. Though it could be worth a lot of money.

Taylor: Let's just get this straight. You're 20-something years old, you have no job, no money, very few prospescts. You haven't been seen in the vicinity of anything which even faintly resembles a member of the opposite sex in over 6 months. And yet you sit here and tell us that you have some kind of special thing that makes the other side go gaga. Well if it makes them go so fucking gaga what the fuck are you doing here with us losers?

Flip: He's got a point there Danster.

Danny: Well I didn't say it fixed all the emotional stuff did I?

Milo: Bullshit!

Otis: It's not bullshit.

Milo: It's fucking bullshit.

Otis: White's bleeding over Orange, cradles him in his arms, and says, "I love you, man."

Milo: That's fucking bullshit, and even if it wasn't fucking bullshit, they'd be saying it like blokes say it to each other.

Otis: Then Orange says back, "I love you, too, man."

Milo: Yeah, they're saying, "I love you, man," not "I LOVE you, man."

Otis: Why would he say that? I mean, why would he say, "I love you, too, man" if he wasn't a chocolate-dipper.

Milo: He's bleeding to death, for Christ's sake. You say shit like that when you're bleeding to death.

Otis: He's been holding it in the whole time. He thinks he's gonna die. He has to let it out, otherwise his secret will be carried with him to the grave.

Milo: Bull-fuckin-shit! Look, I love Danny here, but that doesn't mean I'm a fucking chocolate-dipper. I'm no fucking chocolate-dipper, mate.

Flip: What about that bit where they're point all those guns at each other?

Milo: What about it?

Flip: Well, maybe it's not really their guns they're pointing.

Milo: There's no way, pal. No way. No fucking way!

Flip: Dude, I've seen it, like, eighteen times.

Milo: That's fucking bullshit! There are no fucking chocolate-dippers in that movie! It's my favourite fucking movie, man, and you're all fucking ruining it for me!

Otis: Consider me fuckin' Willy fuckin' Wonka! This is my fucking chocolate factory! You got it? My factory!

Baby: Just in case anyone's interested, I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.

Otis: [in a mocking tone] "I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles."

Baby: Don't you fucking imitate me, it's fucking rude!

[mocking]

Baby: "I know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack... "

Otis: Fuck you.

Baby: Fuck you!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: Two fucking seconds for the kid, is that gonna kill you?

Otis: Yes, it is going to kill me! I have calculated the time, and two seconds is the exact amount of time that is a hazard to my fucking health.

Baby: What the fuck is your problem? I'm in and out in two seconds!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: You know? I think I'm gonna get me some tutti fucking fruity.

Baby: Tutti fucking fruity, that sounds good!

Otis: I know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack.

Otis: They smoked me. See a nigga running around here, they smoke ya, ask questions later. Well I ain't staying here, I'll tell you that, I ain't FUCKING STAYING HERE!

Otis: It's all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.

Otis: I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.

Mother: Who's your daddy?

Otis: I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.

Baby: Who's your daddy?

Mother: Who's your daddy?

Otis: [walking to Denise, while wearing her father's skin] Come on, sweetie. Give the old man some sugar.

Denise Willis: Daddy, Daddy.

Otis: [taking off his robe] And I'm the one who loves ya when you're fucking dead!

Otis: Huntin' humans ain't nothin' but nothin'. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run rabbit. Run, rabbit, run! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!

Otis: Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,

[Whole family joins in]

Otis: Got me a live one."

Otis: [ranting to tied up cheerleaders] "Why", you ask? "Why" is not the question. How? Now, that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh... conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface!

[sees the girls aren't understanding]

Otis: Oh, Christ. Fuck it!

[Mary screams]

Otis: Shut your mouth!

[more screams]

Otis: I said, shut your fucking mouth!

[screams]

Otis: Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.

Mary Knowles: Why are you doing this?

Otis: Doing what? Messy up your day?

Mary Knowles: Where's Bill? Where's Bill?

Otis: Bill?

Mary Knowles: Is he okay?

Otis: He's a good guy. Oh, he's been a great help to me! A real blessin'. I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better speciman. You don't know what kind of dry spell I've had here. Total block, total block! But Bill... he's okay.

Mary Knowles: Where is he? Where is he? Can I see him? Can I see Bill, please?

Otis: Let's go see. Behold... Fishboy!

[Otis pulls back a curtain to reveal Bill's mutliated corpse]

Mary Knowles: Oh my god! Oh my god, Bill! No, no, this can't be real. This can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be real.

Otis: Oh, it's real. As real as I want it to be, mama.

[Otis kisses Mary]

Mary Knowles: Fuck you, you fucking freak!

Otis: Hey, happy boy, step your ass up here.

Baby: Take his gag out. It's more fun with the screaming.

Mother: I like that too. That screaming is much more exciting that way.

[They remove Jerry's gag]

Jerry Goldsmith: Please don't kill us, please don't kill us.

Baby: [imitating Jerry] Please don't kill us... nah... please don't kill us.

Otis: Shut your mouth and get your shit in the box. Get in now.

Mother: Wait, wait, wait... I wanna say goodbye.

[Mama Firefly grabs Jerry by the collar and gives him a big kiss]

Mother: Goodbye, sweetie. We could've been great.

Otis: Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?

Jerry Goldsmith: Just let us go, I swear to God we won't tell anyone. I swear...

Mother: Honey, you know I can't do that.

Otis: Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?

Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.: Get your fucking ass up, boy.

Otis: Come on, we ain't got all night.

[Rufus grabs Jerry and body slams him into the coffin while Mary breaks free and runs off]

Otis: Where does she think she's gonna run to? She gonna run all the way home?

Baby: No, let me get her.

Otis: All right, go get her.

Otis: Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.

Mother: Otis! There's cops outside!

Grandpa Hugo: What? How many?

Otis: Oh, don't worry about it! How many were there?

Mother: I only saw one.

Otis: Fucking pigs always come in packs. Here take this go down stairs and play nice, I'll go around back and take control like I always fuckin' do!

[Grandpa Hugo flips Otis off]

Otis: Oh it's real, as real as I want it to be mama

[Kisses Mary]

Otis: Now, I'm gonna remove your gap... But! If you make so much as a fuckin' peep! I'm going to cut you like a pig and make you eat your own fucking intestines... you got me?

[Otis takes off the hankerchief on Mary's mouth]

Mary Knowles: Why are you, Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this?

Otis: Doing what? Messy up your day?

Mary Knowles: Where's Bill? Where's Bill?

Otis: Bill... He's a good guy, Ohhh hoo... He's been great help to me. A real blessin'... I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better specimen. You don't know what kinda dry spell I've had here. Total Block, Total Block! But Bill... He's OK.

[scene cuts to Otis and Baby are going to torture Bill while she was laughing maniacally and playing "She's a Brick House" and Otis torturing Bill]

Otis: Watch that bitch, she's thinking about that Klugman bangin' Brett Sommers, pick motherfucking Richard Dawson.

Otis: Look, see the magic in my brush strokes.

[Painted on the canvas is the gruesome scene of Bill as the Fish-Boy]

Mary Knowles: [crying] Fuck you, you fucking freak!

Otis: h, come now... we're all creatures of God and freaks in our own way...

[twitches and shakes]

Otis: ... but if you'll notice...

[points to a blank spot in the painting]

Otis: right here, needs a little something, heh?

Mary Knowles: What are you doing?

[squirming]

Mary Knowles: ... no, stop... please, please.

Otis: You, my dear worm feeder, are about to become immortalized.

[first lines]

Cody: [wielding harpoon] Let's do it!

Otis: Hey, I think we oughta wait a minute.

Duke: Don't go pussy on me.

[cocks his gun]

Otis: I'm not man, I just think...

Duke: Don't!

Otis: This is the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever done.