Beetlejuice Quotes in Beetlejuice (1988)

Adam: What are your qualifications?

Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?

Beetlejuice: Go ahead, make my millennium.

[why he can't tell Lydia his name]

Beetlejuice: Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.

Beetlejuice: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.

Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?

Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.

Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.

Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.

Lydia: Are you a ghost too?

Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.

Beetlejuice: [after kicking down a model tree] Nice fuckin' model!

Beetlejuice: I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action...

[a brothel appears]

Beetlejuice: [dances with joy] Hey Adam, nice move!

Barbara: Adam, why did you build that?

Adam: I didn't!

[Adam and Barbara appear at Juno's office]

Juno: The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!

Beetlejuice: [as Otho tries to escape] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!

[he dresses Otho up in horrible clothes]

Beetlejuice: Attention K-Mart shoppers.

Beetlejuice: [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring] I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!

Beetlejuice: [finishing his used-car style commercial] And remember...

[sings and hops back and forth]

Beetlejuice: I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!

Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How're ya doin?

Lydia: [Gasps] Ah B-Beetle!

Beetlejuice: Yes! Now for part two...

Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice?

Beetlejuice: Yes! You said it!

Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?

Beetlejuice: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!

Lydia: Wait a minute... it was you, you were the snake.

Beetlejuice: What are you talking about a snake?

[scoffs]

Beetlejuice: [after Lydia says his name three times] It's showtime.

Beetlejuice: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.

Beetlejuice: [as a snake] We've come for your daughter Chuck.

Beetlejuice: *That* is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, I won't.

Preacher: And you, do you Lydia, take this man...?

Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...

Beetlejuice: [Covers Lydia's mouth] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?

[speaks in Lydia's voice]

Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.

[last lines]

[in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor, who is next in line]

Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that?

[points to explorer with shrunken head]

Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma... Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!

[as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]

Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...

[the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head; it starts shrinking]

Beetlejuice: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.

Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.

[Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]

Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?

[hands Barbara a rat]

Barbara: Whoa! AHH!

Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.

Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!

Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.

Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

Beetlejuice: [to Charles and Delia] Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you're welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, dad.

[Hands Charles a load of snakes]

Beetlejuice: You want to get somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.

Adam: Can you be scary?

Beetlejuice: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this? You like it?

Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah. Here I am come, baby.

Beetlejuice: I'm just doin' my job, besides, I thought we had a deal! Hey, it's OK. You know why? I don't wanna do business with you dead-beats anyway. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. I think she understands me.

[Head spins wildly and begins shrieking]

Beetlejuice: Don't you hate it when that happens?

Beetlejuice: Let's see, business section.

[he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper]

Beetlejuice: Ooh la la. What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.

Beetlejuice: You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends I said I'd meet, and it's the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?

Lydia: I want to get in.

Beetlejuice: Why?... You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.

[a fly appears in the Maitland home]

Beetlejuice: [pops out of a crack] Hey! Hey, you! Hey, come here!

[holds up a Zagnut bar]

Beetlejuice: Got something good for ya... Here, boy. Want something to nosh?

[enticed by the bar, the fly comes closer... ]

Beetlejuice: [laughs] Come here!

[grabs the fly and pulls him into the crack]

The Fly: Help me! Help me! Help meee!

[a burp is heard]

Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to say his name three times] No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. Just SAY IT!