Riggan Quotes in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

Riggan: Listen to me. I'm trying to do something important.

Sam: This is not important.

Riggan: It's important to me! Alright? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go viral. But to me... To me... this is - God. This is my career, this is my chance to do some work that actually means something.

Sam: Means something to who? You had a career before the third comic book movie, before people began to forget who was inside the bird costume. You're doing a play based on a book that was written 60 years ago, for a thousand rich old white people whose only real concern is gonna be where they go to have their cake and coffee when it's over. And let's face it, Dad, it's not for the sake of art. It's because you want to feel relevant again. Well, there's a whole world out there where people fight to be relevant every day. And you act like it doesn't even exist! Things are happening in a place that you willfully ignore, a place that has already forgotten you. I mean, who the fuck are you? You hate bloggers. You make fun of Twitter. You don't even have a Facebook page. You're the one who doesn't exist. You're doing this because you're scared to death, like the rest of us, that you don't matter. And you know what? You're right. You don't. It's not important. You're not important. Get used to it.

Sam: Dad...

Riggan: Just find me an actor. A good actor. Give me Woody Harrelson.

Jake: He's doing the next Hunger Games.

Riggan: Michael Fassbender?

Jake: He's doing the prequel to the X-Men prequel.

Riggan: How about Jeremy Renner?

Jake: Who?

Riggan: Jeremy Renner. He was nominated. He was the Hurt Locker guy.

Jake: Oh, okay. He's an Avenger.

Riggan: F - k, they put him in a cape too?

Riggan: [as Birdman] People, they love blood. They love action. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit.

Riggan: [as Birdman] Shave off that pathetic goatee. Get some surgery. Sixty's the new thirty, motherfucker!

Tabitha: It doesn't matter, I'm gonna destroy your play.

Riggan: But you didn't even see it. Did I do something to offend you?

Tabitha: As a matter of fact, you did. You took off space on theater wich otherwise might have been used on something worthwile.

Riggan: Okay... well. I mean, you don't even know if it's any good or not... I didn't...

Tabitha: That's true; I haven't read a word of it or even seen the preview. But after the opening tomorrow I'm gonna turn in the worst review anyone has ever read and I'm gonna close your play. Would you like to know why? Because I hate you and everyone you represent. Entitled, selfish, spoiled children. Blissfully untrained, unversed and unprepared to even attempt real art. Handing each other awards for cartoons and pornography. Measuring your worth in weekends? Well this is the theater and you don't get to come in here and pretend you can write, direct and act in your own propaganda piece without coming through me first. So break a leg.

Riggan: Wow. You know... What has to happen in a person's life to become a critic anyway? What are you writing? Another review? Is that any good? Is it? Did you even see it? Let me read it.

Tabitha: I will call the police!

Riggan: Call the police... let's read your fuckin' review. "Lacklustre..." That's just labels. Marginality... You kidding me? Sounds like you need penicillin to clear that up. That's a label. That's all labels. You just label everything. That's so fuckin' lazy... You just... You're a lazy fucker. You know what this is? You even know what that is? You don't, You know why? Because you can't see this thing if you don't have to label it. You mistake all those little noises in your head for true knowledge.

Tabitha: Are you finished?

Riggan: No! I'm not finished! There's nothing here about technique! There's nothing in here about structure! There's nothing in here about intentions! It's just a bunch of crappy opinions, backed up by even crappier comparisons... You write a couple of paragraphs and you know what? None of this cost you fuckin' anything! The Fuck! You risk nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I'm a fucking actor! This play cost me everything... So I tell you what, you take this fucked malicious cowardly shitty written review and you shove that right the fuck up your wrinkly tight ass.

Tabitha: You're no actor, you're a celebrity. Let's be clear on that. I'm gonna kill your play.

Mike Shiner: Is this water? Did you replace my gin with water, man?

Riggan: Mike. Come on.

Mike Shiner: No. Come on, what?

Riggan: Come on, you're drunk.

Mike Shiner: I'm drunk? Yes, I'm drunk! I'm supposed to be drunk! Why aren't you drunk? This is Carver. He left a piece of his liver on the table every time he wrote a fucking page. If I need to be drinking gin, who the fuck are you to touch my gin, man? Listen, you fucked with the period, you fucked with the plot so you could have the best lines, you leave me the fucking tools that I need! Oh, come on people, don't be so pathetic. Stop looking at the world through your cellphone screens. Have a real experience! Does anybody give a shit about truth other than me? I mean the set is fake, the bananas are fake, there's fucking nothing in this milk carton, your performance is fake. The only thing that is real on this stage is this chicken. So, I'm gonna work with the chicken.

Riggan: The last time I flew here from LA, George Clooney was sitting two seats in front of me. With those cuff links, and that... ridiculous chin. We ended up flying through this really bad storm. The plane started to rattle and shake, and everyone on board was crying, and praying. And I just sat there. Sat there thinking that when Sam opened that paper it was going to be Clooney's face on the front page. Not mine. Did you know that Farrah Fawcett died on the same day as Michael Jackson?

Riggan: That's you Mike. You're Mr. Natural. Mr. "F - k the scene, just stare at my massive hard-on," right? That's the truth of the moment.

Mike Shiner: Do you think it was massive?

Mike Shiner: Give me a cue again.

Riggan: Okay. "Hey, I'm the wrong person to ask. I don't actually know the man, I've heard his name mentioned in passing. I don't know, you'd have to know the particulars. I think what you're saying..."

Mike Shiner: Hey, can I make a suggestion, do you mind?

Riggan: Yeah, yeah sure, no not at all.

Mike Shiner: Okay, just stay with me. "I'm the wrong person to ask," he says, but what is that, what is the intention in that? Is he fed up with the subject so he's changing it, is he deflecting guilt over the marriage? And here's the thing, you've got four lines after that that all say the same thing. "I didn't even know the man, I only heard his name mentioned in passing, I wouldn't know, you'd have to know the particulars..." The point is, you don't know the guy, we f - king get it. Make it work with one line: "I didn't even know the man." Right?

Riggan: Right. Yeah. You know my lines too, huh?

Mike Shiner: Can we not get hung up on knowing lines?

Riggan: [to Birdman] Bye-bye. And fuck you.

Riggan: I'm the answer to a fucking Trivial Pursuit question

Gabriel: Are you at all afraid that people will say you're doing this play to battle the impression that you're a washed up superhero...?

Riggan: No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. That's why 20 years ago I said no to Birdman 4.

Riggan: I'm nothing. I'm not even here.

Clara: Now, is it true that you've been injecting yourself with semen from baby pigs?

Riggan: I'm sorry, what?

Clara: As a method of facial rejuvenation.

Riggan: Where did you read that?

Clara: It was tweeted by @prostatewhispers.

Riggan: No, that's not true.

Clara: I know, but did you do it?

Riggan: No, I didn't do it.

Clara: Okay, then I'll just write that you're denying it.

Riggan: No, don't write anything! Why would you write anything? I didn't... don't write what she said.

Sam: Do you really think you'll be ready for opening tomorrow?

Riggan: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, previews were pretty much a train-wreck. We can't seem to get through without a raging fire or a raging hard-on. I'm broke. I'm not sleeping like, you know, at all. And um, this play is kinda starting to feel like a major deformed version of myself that just keeps following me around, hitting me in the balls with a tiny little hammer. I'm sorry, what was the question?

Sam: Never mind.

Riggan: Why did we break up?

Sylvia: Because you threw a kitchen knife at me. And an hour later you were telling me how much you loved me.

Jake: Ask me if he sells tickets.

Riggan: Does he sell tickets?

Jake: A shitload of tickets! Now ask me if the critics like him?

Riggan: Do they like him?

Jake: They want to spooge on him.

Riggan: [Indicating there's a lady in the room] Hey.

Jake: Lesley...

Lesley: Right on his face.

Broadway Lady: [sees Riggan on the roof] Hey, is this for real, or are you shooting a film?

Riggan: A film!

Broadway Lady: You people are full of shit!

Riggan: [waiting for his cue during Mike's scene] He's good, huh?

Annie: He's incredible. I think he's drinking real gin.

Riggan: I wasn't even present in my own life, and now I don't have it, and I'm never going to have it.

Young Birdman: You are lame, Riggan, rolling around with that poncy theater fuck in an 800-seat shithole like this. Oh, you really fucked up this time. You destroy a genius book with that infantile adaptation. Now you're about to destroy what's left of your career. It's pathetic.

Riggan: [trying to meditate] Breathing in, I am calm...

Young Birdman: Let's get the hell out of here while we can.

Riggan: [trying to meditate] ... I ignore this mental formation. This is a mental formation.

Young Birdman: Stop that shit! I'm not a mental formation. I'm you, asshole.

Riggan: Leave me alone.

Young Birdman: You were a movie star, remember? Pretentious, but happy.

Riggan: I wasn't happy.

Young Birdman: Ignorant, but charming. Now, you're just a tiny, bitter cocksucker.

Riggan: I was fucking miserable.

Young Birdman: Yeah, but fake miserable. Hollywood miserable. What are you trying to prove? You're an artist? You're not.

Riggan: Fuck you!

Young Birdman: No, fuck you, you coward. We grossed billions! You're ashamed of that? Billions!

Riggan: And billions of flies eat shit every day! So what? Does that make it good? I don't know if you noticed, but that was 1992!

Young Birdman: You could jump right back into that suit if you wanted to.

Riggan: [rips open his shirt] Oh, look at me! Look at this! Look, look, look! I look like a turkey with leukemia! I'm fucking disappearing. This is what's left! I'm the answer to a fucking Trivial Pursuit question!

Young Birdman: You're an impostor here. Eventually they will figure you out.

Riggan: What part of this don't you get? You're dead.

Young Birdman: We are not dead.

Riggan: Oh, please, just stay dead.

Young Birdman: We are not dead.

Young Birdman: Stop saying "we"! There is no "we"! I'm not fucking you! I'm Riggan fucking Thomson!

Young Birdman: No, you're Birdman. Because without me, all that's left is you, a sad, selfish, mediocre actor, grasping at the last vestiges of his career.

[Riggan uses telekinesis to grab his poster and slam it into the wall]

Young Birdman: What the hell did you do that for? I liked that poster. It's always "we", brother.

Riggan: Fuck you! Shut the fuck up! Leave me alone! You're fucking, so fucking annoying! Shut up!

[notices Jake enter the room and immediately calms down]

Riggan: Hey. What's up?

Riggan: That guy is the worst actor I've ever seen in my life. The blood coming out of his ear was the most honest thing he's done so far.

Jake: It's not that bad.

[pause]

Jake: Okay, it was fucking terrible.

Riggan: She does look like she licked a homeless guy's ass.

Sam: What's so funny?

Riggan: [Sam brought him some flowers] I can't smell it.

Annie: The sunbed is here.

Riggan: What does that mean?

Annie: That means there is a sunbed out there being delivered to in here.

Riggan: Look, you're beautiful and you're talented. And I'm lucky to have you.

Lesley: Mike's available.

Riggan: I thought he was doing the thing...?

Lesley: He was. He quit... or got fired.

Riggan: Which is it, quit or fired?

Lesley: Well, with Mike it's usually both.

Young Birdman: You could jump right back into that suit if you wanted to. We're not dead.

Riggan: Look at me. Look at this. Look, look, look! I look like a turkey with leukemia!

Sam: What kind of flowers did you say you wanted?

Riggan: Alchemillas, or something that smells nice.

Sam: What's so funny?

Riggan: I can't smell them.

Mike Shiner: They called me for an interview. I told them the first thing that came into my head. The front cover of the art section for Christ's sake.

Riggan: Fuck the art section!

Riggan: What is this?

Sam: Oh yeah

[pause]

Sam: thats pot.

[repeated line]

Riggan: Twenty little leopards laughed at two lofty lions.

Riggan: [speaking to Mike as he walks into a bar] Where are you going?

Mike Shiner: They have coffee here.