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What's even more messed up than funerals, is the way people treat you after the funeral. Like you're diseased or something. -- Denise Jaden
Lessee...he'd gone off after the funeral and gotten drunk. No, not drunk, another word, ended with "er." Drunker. that was it. -- Terry Pratchett
A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in. -- Irvin S. Cobb
The Nobel is a ticket to one's own funeral. No one has ever done anything after he got it. -- T. S. Eliot
I never go to funerals. To me a person is dead when he breathes for the last time. After that, your memories should be personal. -- Hedy Lamarr
The sort of lifetime achievement stuff that I'm getting now is kind of like Tom Sawyer's funeral because they all know I'm sick. I am getting buildings named after me and awards and stuff. -- Sam Simon
When my mother died, my father was in a crisis, my sister was in a crisis, everyone was in a crisis. I went round the night my mother was lying in the kitchen, and I organised everything, from the undertaker to the funeral... I looked after everybody, I sorted it all out and I've done so ever since. -- Stuart Rose
There was just no good way for a dead son to greet his mother almost two weeks after his funeral. -- Rachel Vincent
You don't want to ask after the health of anyone, if you're a funeral director. They think maybe you're scouting for business. -- Neil Gaiman
He was her father after all. True, a father whose funeral rite she planned to dance at and toast with ale, but her father just the same. -- G.A. Aiken
I've had to write a column an hour after I've come back from a funeral. A deadline is a deadline, I mean, that was just what my job was. -- Laurie Notaro

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