Tony Quotes in American Sniper (2014)

Tony: Squirrel! Where'd you hide your nuts?

'Squirrel': Nuts crawled up inside, sir. Those little shits are gone. They're nice and warm though now, sir.

John McClane: Drop it, dickhead. It's the police.

Tony: You won't hurt me.

John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?

Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.

John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me.

Tony: The fire has been called off, my friend. No one is coming to help you. You might as well come out and join the others. I promise I won't hurt you.

Tony: We've got mountains of data, but nowhere near enough computer power to analyze it. Can you help us?

Jack Hall: Send us what you've got. We'll do our best.

Frank: It's Portman, the guy from Miami!

Tony: Right, pencil neck?

Tony: You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Hauser.

Douglas Quaid: Look who's talking.

Tony: The Justice Department's calling every ten minutes.

Damon Killian: Just give them an evasive answer. Tell them to go fuck themselves.

Tony: [after being stabbed by Uncle Wang] Uncle Wang, why did you...?

'Uncle' Wang: Don't blame me for all of this. The blame is on Ah-Lung. He stirred up this trouble, the fool!

Tony: What does this... what does this mean?

'Uncle' Wang: What does this mean? You must know. I've worked hard all of my life. And I've got nothing at all to show for it! My own wife and children are waiting for me in Hong Kong. If the restaurant cooperates, they'll pay me well for all of this. After that I can go back to Hong Kong a rich man. So you see, I have to do this. I have to do it!

[laughs maniacally]

[last lines]

Tony: Nicole! Nicole.

Nicole: Tony! Tony!

Don Canneloni: And now, the Rigatonis, the Tortellinis, the Fettuchinis, and even the Raviolis are bigger than we are. And why?

Tony: High interest rates.

Sonny: Acid rain.

Slim: Japanese imports.

Caesar: Uh... uh... none of the above.

Don Canneloni: No. No. No. Youse mugs already know the answer.

Caesar: Gee, boss, if I knew there was gonna be a test, I would've studied.

Tony: We've put our heads together, and we've decided we're gonna rip off the Arab, on the road, during the car race.

Don Don Canneloni: Oh, you put your heads together, huh? IT MUST'VE SOUNDED LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY.

Slim: Okay, you'll tell us.

Blake: We're gonna race to Connecticut and the one that wins gets a million dollars in cash.

Tony: Only a moron would back up a race like that!

Shiek: [the Shiek enters] Ah, Fenderbaum and Blake. Good to see you! You should be sleeping at this hour. Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow.

Shiek: [Fenderbaum directs the Shiek's attention to the Cannelonis] Wingtips? Barbarians! Come, come!

Shiek: [the Shiek hands Caesar a handful of money] Buy yourself a decent clothing store. Infidels!

Blake: [the Shiek leaves] That was the moron.

Caesar: You know, these liars could be telling the truth.

Victor Maynard: [after rescuing Rose who has been shoplifting] That was unbelievably irresponsible! Staggeringly immature!

Tony: Staggeringly... staggering!

Rose: Fig roll anyone?

[munching]

Tony: Tsk... tsk... tsk...

[ponders]

Tony: I'll have one.

Rose: Get lost.

Tony: Not fair! Mr Maynard!

Mike: Give me the gun.

Tony: I'm serious! You know I'm a terrible shot. I could easily aim at your head and blow your balls off.

Rose: It's funny because yesterday I couldn't wait to get away and now I never want to leave.

Tony: What happened in between?

Rose: Just enough.

Tony: [after catching a knife mid-air, in awe to Rose and Victor] Did you see that?

Rose: See what?

Tony: [Disappointed] Shit...

[last lines]

Tony: Has anyone seen the cat?

[hearing a disturbance, Victor emerges from his bedroom, gun in hand]

Rose: This hideous old bat in a wheelchair just tried to kill me! She had a knife this big, I swear!

Tony: It was horrible!

Rose: It's true!

[embarrassed, Victor goes to the door of Rose's bedroom]

Victor Maynard: Mother... Mother, are you there? It's me. Mother?

[hearing nothing, he kneels down to look through the keyhole]

Victor Maynard: [to Rose and Tony] I've got everything under control...

[a shotgun blasts a hole in the door over Victor's head. Rose screams]

Victor Maynard: She means well. Mother, can we talk about this?

Louisa Maynard: I'm *very* disappointed in you, Victor!

Tony: I like women who don't talk too much... but you set a new record!

Tony: I wish Susan could've been here to see this bird skeleton, but she got a disease from that fish that Rod cooked.

Tony: Hey Dr. Jones, do you have any birds I can play with?

Dr. Jones: Well, the birds that I have are... way too large and dangerous for you to play with.

Tony: So how about a smaller one?

Dr. Jones: Well I tell you what, I'll send you some lovebirds.

Tony: Sweet, I can't wait to play with them.

Tony: I wish Susan could've been here to see this bird skeleton. But she got a disease from that fish that Rod cooked.

Ben Archer: [while interrogating Hoggins] Hey Tony, I think he wants to call the police.

Tony: [sarcastically] Give him a fucking quarter then.

Tony: Aah! Hey, what are ya, some kind of a freak?

Joe: I thought this was just supposed to be a sit-down.

Tony: Yeah, but somebody ain't getting up.

Tony: This is war. We're soldiers. We kill to protect what's ours.

Inspector 'Rock' Shek: There's no one driving. I'll get it!

Tony: Inspector! Be careful!

Tony: Wait! Those aren't vessels, it's wiring! Be very careful. Doctor, can we move the heart? It's not clear what's wire and what's vessel.

Operating Room Doctor: Get ready, 50 CC's of Adrenaline.

Inspector 'Rock' Shek: Just how powerful is the bomb?

Tony: Based on the amount of liquid nitrogen, I say it could wipe out the room. There are 16 wires intertwined with the veins. We'll have to pair them off and cut them. Inspector, can you give me a hand?

Inspector 'Rock' Shek: Tell me when to cut.

Tony: On my count of three. One... Two... Three!

Bruno Buckingham: [after Tony tries to rape Alex] You get up. Drop your pants.

Alex Lee: [standing up] No. No!

Bruno Buckingham: Sit! Did I say you could leave? Sit.

Tony: Oh, fuck it. Let her go. Come on. Let her go. She can check on Virginia. Look, what's the point, OK?

Bruno Buckingham: The point is, she stays. She leaves, I blow your genitalia *off*. That's the point, OK? It's the lady's choice.

Alex Lee: All right, let me get this straight now. I have to fuck you, Mr. Little Dick, in order to prove to Bruno, Mr. Big Dick, that I'm not a cop. It that it?

Tony: Something like that.

Alex Lee: Did you make that up all by yourself? Give me a break.

Tony: Lady, this is your break.

Tony: [preparing to lash Dan Milner] Take off his shirt. Stand him over there.

[first lines]

Tony: He'll be at the bar, let him see you. Then I'll rope him in.

Jayne Ferré: I know my part, Tony.

Tony: It's jobs like this that give me an ulcer.

Terry McCain: [at the hospital, interrogating a suspect] Come on Tony, quit dicking me around, I know you work for DiMarco. I know everything abut that operation. I need to hear you say it. Okay. Let's see what flying through a window does to the human body.

[reads the chart]

Terry McCain: Broken ribs, broken nose, multiple contusions, sprained ankle. Oh, a sprained ankle.

Tony: [McCain slams the chart on the ankle] Fuck you, I know my rights!

Terry McCain: [leans on his chest] Let me tell you something. I've wasted the last three years of my life on DiMarco. I'm getting tired of watching him walk in and out of courtrooms in his two thousand dollar suits and silk ties! You start answering my questions or I'm gonna shove these broken ribs right through your fucking lungs!

Lucas: Ahem.

Terry McCain: What?

Lucas: I-I couldn't hear that last part.

Terry McCain: You weren't supposed to.

Tony: Hey, gang, take a look at your new home!

Hercules, the Midget: Ain't it somethin'!

Lillian: Yeah, so quiet and peaceful. I wonder how long it takes to learn how to milk a chicken.

Tony: Nothing is permanent, not even death.

Tony: Don't shoot the messenger!

Tony: Where the hell are we?

Percy: Geographically speaking, in the Northern Hemisphere. Socially, on the margins. And narratively, with some way to go.

Tony: If Doctor Parnassus can really control people's mind, why isn't he ruling the world,then? Eh? Why bother with this little... side show?

Anton: 'Side show'? He don't... he don't want to rule the world. He wants the world to rule itself!

Tony: Don't believe everything you read. Especially The Mirror.

Tony: Can you put a price on your dreams?

Tony: The Imaginarium does not cost a thing. We're not here for money.

Tony: Do you dream? Or should I say... can you put a price on your dreams? Or... the dreams of the less fortunate in this world

[pets Percy]

Dr. Parnassus: Voilà!

Tony: Voilà!

Dr. Parnassus: [Sees Tony setting up the Imaginarium] What are you doing?

Tony: Trying to save your daughter's life, sir!

Tony: What are we gonna do with thieves when we catch them?

Ralph: We can't have kids stealing and just running wild. We're going to have to have stricter rules and hand out demerits... I guess.

Ralph: The reason I'm calling this assembly is, too much people are screwing around when they should be working. I mean theirs a bunch of things. Some people don't even know when to use the bathroom.

Tony: Yeah. Theres this one kid, the other day he took a shit in his pants and later sat on it, I'm not naming names because it's possible that Mikey couldn't help it.

Ralph: [sees Zak sliding on the windshield] Hey, Tone, there's a little man on the windshield here.

Zak: TONY, RALPH, IT'S ME, ZAK!

Ralph: [suddenly recognizes him] Hey, Tone!

Hexxus: KEEP IT MOVING, BOY!

Ralph, Tony: AAAAAAHHHHH!

Ralph: Are you sure the leveler can handle this baby?

Tony: Sure, the leveler eats anything.

Ralph: Kinda like you.

Tony: How many times a day I have to threaten your life?

Tony: Zak!

Ralph: What happened here?

[they see the entire forest almost empty with tree stumps, Zak smiles and plants a seed remembering what Crysta told him]

Zak: I will remember.

[Zak leaves with Tony and Ralph]

Zak: [solemnly] Guys, things have gotta change.

Tony: Hey, Joe! Look! Butch-a, he's got a new girlfriend.

Joe: Well, a-son of a gun! He's a got a cockerel Spanish-a girl.

Tony: Hey, she's pretty sweet kiddo, Butch. You take-a Tony's advice and settle down with this-a one, eh? Hehehe.

Lady: "This-a one"?

Tramp: This-a one... this-a... Oh! Tony, you know. He's-a not-a speak-a English-a pretty good.

Joe: Here's your bones-a, Tony.

Tony: Okay, bones. Bones? Whassa matta for you, Joe? I break-a your face-e! Tonight, Butch-a, he's-a get the best in the house!

Joe: Okay, Tony! You the boss.

Tony: [Showing Tramp the menu] Now, tell me, what's your pleasure? A la carte? Dinner?

[Tramp barks]

Tony: Aha, okay. Hey, Joe! Butch-a he say he wants-a two spaghetti speciale, heavy on the meats-a ball.

Joe: Tony, dogs-a don't a-talk!

Tony: He's a-talkin' to me!

Joe: Okay, he's a-talkin' to you! You the boss!

[brings the spaghetti, muttering to himself in Italian; Tony snatches the spaghetti from him and serves it to the dogs]

Tony: Now, here you are-a, the best-a spaghetti in-a town.

Tony: Bed for the undead?

[Rudolph sees Tony with fake fangs]

Rudolph Sackville-Bagg: What clan are you from, brother?

[Tony's fangs fall off]

Rudolph: (hisses) You are not a brother...

Tony: Well, I'm not a sister!

Rudolph: ...You're a human... You're full of blood!

Tony: Gonna keep it that way, dude!

Rudolph: I have to go

Tony: But you can't even walk!

Rudolph: Who needs to walk... when I can fly!

[jumps over window, hovers for a few seconds, then falls]

Rudolph: [Tony goes outside, and goes to help Rudolph]

Tony: You OK?

Rudolph: Do I look it?

Tony: I think I should get home. Rudolph, how do we get down from here?

Rudolph Sackville-Bagg: We'll fly.

Tony: But I can't fly

Rudolph Sackville-Bagg: I got you up here, didn't I?

Tony: Well I guess so.

Rudolph Sackville-Bagg: Then stay calm, friend. All right, lets fly. As long as I'm holding onto you, your fine. Trust me.

Rookery: Give me that stone!

Tony: Not without a fight!

Rookery: [teasingly] Oh, well I can't be bothered.

Rudolph Sackville-Bagg: You are not a brother.

Tony: Well I'm not a sister.

Rudolph Sackville-Bagg: You are human... you're full of blood!

Tony: Gonna keep it that way dude!

Tony: And don't worry, I'm on it!

Freda Sackville-Bagg: On what dear?

Eve: [to the eastern pack] I just want to say one thing, if any of you wolves have hurt my daughter I will personally rip out your eyes and shove them down your throat so you can see my claws tearing your carcass open!

[All the eastern wolves back away in fear]

Lilly: Uhh... mom?

Eve: Not now dear, mommy's in a rage.

Lilly: Well, well since Kate 'stood up' Garth, I could show him around until she gets back.

Garth: [Scoffs] I wouldn't say stood up.

Tony: [Off screen] Garth!

Garth: [Gulps] Sounds good to me.

Lilly: Well come on Garth.

Eve: [Growls at Garth] Aw, isn't that sweet? She gets it from me.

Kate: [Kate and Garth are about to be married] I... can't.

Garth: You can't!

[Pumps his fist and sighs in relief]

Garth: I mean... you can't?

Tony: What's this, Winston? Why can't she marry Garth?

Winston: Quiet!

[Softly, to Kate]

Winston: Kate, why can't you marry Garth?

Kate: Because I, sort of, uh... fell in love with an Omega.

Tony: It's the full moon, Winston.

Winston: I can see that, Tony!

Tony: I didn't wanted to come to this.

Winston: But here we are.

Dr. Victor Gannon: Where you from?

Tony: Witch Mountain.

Sickle: Sounds like some hick town to me.

Letha: Who's that?

Tony: That's my sister, my sister Tia.

Letha: Well this is no time for a family reunion.

Tony: Tia, open the gate.

Tia: No, everybody join hands. 1... 2... 3

[the kids energize over the gate]

Barbara Barry: It's Tony the organ grinder! And his monkey! I know who you are, you're Tony.

Tony: Dat's a-right. Antonio's my middle name.

Barbara Barry: I'm on a vacation. Do you want to come along?

Tony: You a very nice-a little bambina. You go home-a to your mama, eh?

Barbara Barry: I have no mama.

Tony: Oh, dat's-a too bad. Den go home-a to your papa. Hey, what's your name-a?

Barbara Barry: Betsy Weir. I used to live in an orphanage, but they were mean to me, awfully mean, and now I'm on a vacation to see new faces. Your face doesn't look very new.

Tony: Well, it's a-good enough for me.

Jimmy Dolan: Tony, who is she?

Tony: She's an orphan, I tell-a you! She run away, and she a-follow me here.

Jimmy Dolan: Jerry, she's a natural. Look at her! Did you ever see a better bet?

Jerry Dolan: Who is she?

Jimmy Dolan: She's part of our act, Dolan, Dolan, & Dolan. What's your name?

Barbara Barry: Betsy Weir. Are you Puddin'-Head?

Jerry Dolan: I'll say he's Puddin'-Head. What's this all about?

Jimmy Dolan: That kid's a novelty, just what we need for our new act.

Jerry Dolan: Are you crazy? What do you know about the child?

Jimmy Dolan: Everything there is to know. She ran away from an orphan asylum.

Jerry Dolan: Orphan asylum, your aunt. Did you notice her hands? Well, they don't manicure them at an orphan asylum.

Jimmy Dolan: I don't know. A buddy of mine got his hair cut in Sing Sing.

Barbara Barry: I sneezed.

Tony: Saluti.

Tony's Wife: Saluti.

Barbara Barry: But don't I have to go to bed?

Tony's Wife: What's-a matter? You sleepy?

Tony: You eat first.

Barbara Barry: I like it here!

Tony's Wife: So small, and so sweet.

Tony: Maybe we keep her, yes?

Tony's Wife: You crazy? What you want to do? You want to go to jail for the kidnap? Five children you have already, six with the monkey.

Tony: All right, then I take her to the policemen in the morning.

Miguel: I'll talk to you. You're a reasonable man: your friend is a barbarian.

Felix Bowers: Tony. You gonna sit here and hear your friend called a barbarian?

Tony: Miguel, I forbid you to call this barbarian a barbarian.

Felix Bowers: [nods] You're a true friend.

Tony: What is this?

The Blonde: Corn.

Tony: Corn? Corn comes in a little white box from Birdseye. Corn? Kansas is corny! Can ya eat it?

The Blonde: Yeah.

Tony: Can ya smoke it? Can ya drink it? Can ya lie in it?

The Blonde: Sure.

Tony: Then lie in it with me.

The Blonde: Are you crazy?

Tony: Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm crazy in love with your blue eyes... and your corn-silked hair. Your corn-silked hair. I'll never eat corn again without thinkin' about you. Canned corn, candy corn, popcorn, Crackerjacks! You're the prize in my box! And my box is this country. It's all tinfoil on the outside. Corn and sweetness on the inside.

Man: Hey, DiNoble, what are you doin'?

Tony: Thinkin'.

Man: Thinkin' of what?

Tony: Clean thoughts.

Man: Then how come my dishes are dirty?

Tony: Dirty?

Man: Dirty.

Tony: Well, them poor dumb little bastards. They never learned the power of positive thought.

Man: I thought you said you was a dishwasher.

Tony: I'm a dishwasher.

[shouts to the sky]

Tony: I am a dishwasher! My hands is permanently puckered!

[Tony has injured himself and lies in bed wearing casts around his neck, leg, and arm]

Man: How do you feel?

Tony: Like a fuckin' M&M: dig my thin candy shell.

Susanna: You don't want me, Tony.

Tony: Yes I do, baby.

Susanna: No, you don't. I'm a crazy girl.

Tony: You're crazy so we can't have one night of bliss?

Susanna: I am a crazy girl, seriously.

Tony: You've been in a hospital?

Susanna: Yes.

Tony: Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by and, and he told 'em he didn't see purple people no more.

Susanna: He got better.

Tony: Nah, he still sees 'em.

Tony: I just wanted Dad to see the stupid trophy.

Kathy Alva: Who gives a shit about Dad?

Skip: Yeah, hey, man, listen. You stood up for your friend. We're proud of you.

Tony: [yelling at the judges] This contest don't mean shit to me anyway!

Jay: [the Z-Boys want to drain and skate Sid's pool, Sid comes out of his house] What did he say?

Sid: "Sid, are you high? The pool's for swimming!"

Jay: Tell him we'll fill it back up when we're done.

Sid: He said if you got hurt, you'll sue him.

Jay: We're not gonna sue him.

Sid: He said your parents would.

Stacy: Our parents can't even afford lawyers.

Tony: Hey, let me talk to him.

Sid: Hey, the only Mexicans my dad talks to push lawnmowers.

[Tony grabs him playfully]

Tony: [to Stacey] Grab your pad and take notes, Peralta!

Tony: What's wrong, Jayboy? Don't got no hair on your inch worm yet?

Tony: I wanna make money, get laid every night. I wanna do it all right fucking now.

Jim 'Red Dog' Muir: Hell yeah, I'm gonna make out with two chicks tonight!

Tony: This is our time, bros!

Jay: That's bullshit, bro. We surf and we skate every day. We get to do whatever we want.

Tony: [after Sid wipes out, HARD, and is unconscious in the pool] Dude, are you okay?

Sid: I can't feel my feet!

[takes out a joint, sets in mouth]

Sid: But, then again, I can never feel my feet!

[laughs. Tony slaps him, he starts groaning]

[discovers her boyfriend making out with Christina in the stable]

Vera: Swell. This is really swell.

Tony: Vera...

Vera: I'm going to tell. Oh, I am, I am going to TELL.

Tony: Hey, why don't you get a haircut?

Wild Bill Hickok: Short hair makes the Indians mad, and they're mad enough already.

Colin: Exciting news!

Tony: What?

Colin: I've bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks.

Tony: No!

Colin: Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.

Tony: No!

Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Whoo hoo!

Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're already going out with rich, attractive guys.

Colin: Nah, Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.

Tony: That is total bollocks. You've actually gone mad, now.

Colin: No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.

Tony: No, Colin, no!

Colin: Yes!

Tony: Nyet!

Colin: Da!

Tony: Nein!

Colin: Ja, darling!

Tony: You'll come back a broken man.

Colin: Yeah, back broken from too much sex!

Mike: Don't air raid for that bitch, I hate that shit. It's like that Clint fucker in front of all his friends. Huh? Huh mother fucker.

Tony: Okay Mike.

Mike: Dominant male monkey mother fucker.

Tony: So, you're not gonna go to law school? What do you wanna do then?

Mike: I wanna dance!

Tony: [Wooderson has just driven off after hitting on Cynthia] God, that was so creepy!

Mike: Wait, why are you smiling?

Cynthia: [shrugs] I thought he was cute.

Tony: Ugh, that's disgusting!

Mike: You thought he was cute? Do you realize when he graduated we were like three years old?

Cynthia: God, don't you ever feel like everything we do and everything we've been taught is just to service the future?

Tony: Yeah I know, like it's all preparation.

Cynthia: Right. But what are we preparing ourselves for?

Mike: Death.

Tony: Life of the party.

Mike: It's true.

Cynthia: You know, but that's valid because if we are all gonna die anyway shouldn't we be enjoying ourselves now? You know, I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor insignificant preamble to something else.

Tony: Nothing like piling on old pancakes and syrup after a night of beer drinking.

Tony: So your earlier offer still stands?

Sabrina Davis: What should I say? Whatever you like.

Jodi: Ask Tony to marry you.

Sabrina Davis: Will you marry me?

Tony: Oh god, what am I supposed to say?

Mike: I dont know.

Tony: Uh, whadda ya do for me?

Sabrina Davis: Umm, anything you like.

Tony: [turns to Mike] Imagine the possibilities.

Darla: Air raid or it's your ass.

Tony: Don't do it Sabrina

Darla: [drunk] Oh that's it, Miss Hot Stuff. I'm gonna make the next year of your life a living hell

[laughs and walks off]

Darla: LICK ME! All of you!

Tony: [to Sabrina about the hazing] We were just discussing the utter stupidity of these initiation rituals, and we were wondering how someone such as you would subject themselves to the losing end of it all.

Jodi: What are we, having social hour over here? You're supposed to be being a bitch.

Mike: [after Jodi takes Sabrina away] Am I mistaken or was there some unspoken thing between you and that young vixen... you stud.

Tony: Well you know how it is.

Mike: Yeah, I bet she's pretty cute once you clean all the shit off her.

Tony: Yeah I bet she is.

Tony: NeoMcCarthyism, I like that.

Tony: [describing his dream] So there I am, getting it on with this perfect female body and...

Mike: What?

Tony: I can't say.

Mike: No, you can't give a build-up like that and not deliver. You know, a perfect female body, it's not a bad start.

Tony: But with the head of Abraham Lincoln. With the hat and the beard, everything.

Tony: Look, Jessie. You can't plan who you fall for. It just happens. I mean, look at... Posh and Becks.

Jess: Well, Beckham's the best.

Tony: [chuckles] Yeah! I really like Beckham too.

Jess: Well of course you do. No one can cross a ball or bend it like Beckham

Tony: [shakes head] No, Jess. I *really* like Beckham.

Jess: What? You mean...

[incredulous scoff]

Jess: But you're Indian!

Tony: Well you fancying your gorah coach is OK with me. Besides, he's quite fit!

Tony: It's not your lawn tiger.

Ruth: Were you praying?

Tony: You asked for help, I asked for help. That's how things get done. Don't worry. I won't let anything happen to you.

[last lines]

Tony: [arguing at the grill] These are looking good.

Dan: You don't need to push...

Tony: Nah, you're supposed to get the... the juice out of them.

Dan: No, no, no, you *want* the juice in the burger.

Tony: Gotta squash 'em down.

Dan: You wanna flip...?

Tony: No, these are... I'm telling you, these are gonna be perfect.

Tony: My advice to you, Chef, if you want to live a long life, eat your own tongue.

Tony: In Paris, it happened two times a week. I used to worry, now I don't. Believe me, the only person who will kill Adam Jones is Adam Jones.

Tony: You're trending bro.

Ben: Let's take a break because the woman is driving me crazy.

Tony: Which woman? Andie or Princess Sophia?

[Andie is holding a tissue in front of Ben's face]

Andie: C'mon, blow. Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.

Tony: Yeah, uh, I hate Mr. Sniffles.

Thayer: That it?

Tony: That's it?

Ben: [points to purse on desk] That's it.

Tony: Have you looked inside?

Ben: No.

Thayer: Do you have an ethical problem with rifling through a woman's purse?

Ben: Uhh, yeah, I guess I do.

Tony: Well, it's hardly a purse, dude, it's more like a... clutch or something.

Ben: Guys, a woman's purse, alright, it's her secret source of power. Alright? There are many dark and dangerous things in there, that we, the male species, should know nothing about.

Tony: [Andie gives Ben a plaid Burberry button-down shirt] It looks like the inside of a raincoat.

[Ben is trying to find words to be used as metaphors for diamonds]

Ben: How about 'Glitter'?

Tony: Thayer's favorite movie.

Thayer: It was underrated!

Tony: Drunk and tone-deaf. Never a good combination.

Thayer: We, you know, we got a whole bunch of work we have to do, but we're still on for poker at your house this weekend?

Ben: Oh, you count on it.

Andie: Whoo! Boys' night.

Tony: Whoo!

Tony: Couples therapy, it'll buy you at least four days.

Ben: Hanging with her for 10 days is gonna be no problem.

Tony: Right. That's only nine days longer than you've ever spent with any other chick, huh?

Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?

Tony: Not exactly.

Daniel: What do I do?

Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?

Daniel: After you box them...?

Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.

Daniel: I think I made a friend.

Hope: Mountain Dew, large.

Counter Boy: Diet?

Hope: Did I say diet?

Counter Boy: Sorry. Most girls order diet. Okay. That comes to $9.30.

Hope: Oh... no, it doesn't.

Tony: No, no, no. She's on the house. Don't you know who this is?

Hope: You tell him, Tony.

Tony: Check the wall, son.

Hope: Yeah. Check the wall, son.

Counter Boy: You used to be way skinnier.

Tony: You are not the regular American woman, and I am not the regular delivery boy.

Diane Bodek: Oh, my God! You're not?

Tony: [getting turned on] No. He asked me to come here and say we have no more anchovies, but I cannot lie to you, my dove. I have MANY anchovies for you.

Tony: In Genova a husband come after me with a butcher knife. We fight, we fight. I hit him to the ground. I bite his ear off. He don't bother me no more.

Randy Bodek: [handing over a ruined boxed pizza] You've got to deliver this to the Wilshile Motel, room 214.

Tony: But it is all broken. The tip will be very small.

Tony: All men are pawns when it comes to women.

Tony: She looks so peaceful when she's sleeping... Like a doll.

[Lucy snores loudly]

George Wade: A doll with a sinus problem.

Tony: Hey, does my breath smell?

[Maggie smells while Tony exhales through mouth]

Maggie: No. Does my?

[Maggie exhales through mouth while Tony smells]

Tony: It's what keeps my wife in post-modern choreography and me in self-loathing.

Maggie: I've decided to embrace the mystery of the universe and stop bossing everybody around so much.

Max: Good luck with that, bossy pants.

Tony: He's gonna write a book about us one day and we are *not* gonna look good.

[Richie wants to play baseball with Gloria's sandlot-team]

Richie Rich: Come on. Let me hit.

Gloria: Forget it; you probably couldn't even hit a BEACH BALL!

Richie Rich: I could hit it off of YOU.

Gloria: [insulted] All right - You think you're so hot? Put your money where your mouth is!

Richie Rich: You mean bet?

Tony: Yeah. $5 says she could put you away for keeps.

Gloria: $5? How about $10?

Richie Rich: Okay - Seems a little steep, but $10 thousand it is.

[He whips it out, and they all freak out]

Gloria: No, not $10 thousand. $10 dollars.

Richie Rich: Oh, $10 dollars. Okay.

Herbert Cadbury: Master Richie, I do think it unseemly in the extreme for you to take these - children's money.

Gloria: What are you doing, Mr. Fancy Pants? Asking the old guy for batting tips?

Herbert Cadbury: [insulted] Take their backsides to the cleaners, Master Richie.

Pee-Wee: [about to go on Richie's rollercoaster] I just ate.

Tony: You always "just ate."

Omar: [Sniffs] Hey man, you nervous or something?

Tony: No. Whaddaya talkin' about.

Omar: DID YOU FART?

Tony: Nah.

Omar: Man, you cut the cheese!

Tony: Whoever smelt it dealt it.

Omar: Well, whoever denied it supplied it.

Tony: I need someone I can love, not keep up with.

Tracy: Sometimes I really just think I'm smarter and better than everyone else. Not necessarily with math or science, or whether something is "East" or "West", but pretty much with everything else. And, if I could figure out my look, I'd be the most beautiful woman in the world, too.

Tony: Sometimes I think I'm a genius. And I wish I could just fast-forward my life to the part where everyone knows it.

Tracy: You want other people to do the things you can't so you can blame them.

Tony: *You used to be so nice.*

Tracy: I'm the same. I'm just the same in another direction now.

[Everybody is reading Tracy's story. Brooke starts to turn the page. Everyone at once]

Karen: Just...

Tony: Yes please.

Dylan: No...

Mamie-Claire: Wait, it hasn't done yet.

[complaining to her husband]

Amber: I did not fly all the way from New York City to wherever the fuck we are to get on that!

Tony: How many vacations have you enjoyed? You wanted to try something new.

Amber: New? Tell me, how new does that look? It's got a fucking chimney, Anthony!

Tony: Would you show my wife the gym.

Guiseppe: Wait here!(takes out an exercise bike) YOUR GYM MADAM!!

Amber: ANTHONY!!!

[trying to entice Amber into the water]

Tony: Oh, come on in. It's clean as a whistle.

Amber: Depends on who's been blowing in the whistle, doesn't it?

Tony: [to Maggie] Can you believe she's never been in my coffee shop? Tell her how great it is.

Kim: Come on, I just got here. I haven't been anywhere.

Tony: Come on! Tell her how great it is, fuck!

Maggie: It's great. Fuck.

Tony: That's funny... Get out!

Kim: I am out.

Kim: That's not a kick... that's a one-two punch!

Tony: That'll put hair on your chest.

Vivian Rizzo: I'm not a hooker!

Tony: Showing your tits for money, what's that called, 'librarian'?

Joyce Rizzo: [lighting cigarette] My husband thinks I quit.

Tony: One good thing about the joint, they don't let you smoke anymore so... I quit inside.

Joyce Rizzo: Being in prison and not being able to smoke? That's like being in jail. Join me.

Tony: All right.

Tony: Can I ask you, like, why I'm chained to a Ford?

Vince Rizzo: I'm gonna unchain you, Tony, but first I gotta tell you something. You see this house here? That's my home. My grandfather built this home and I share it with my family.

Tony: Oh, you got them chained up in the house too?

Vince Rizzo: You're gonna get real nice food and a real nice place to live for the first time in 3 years, so you better behave yourself.

Tony: And all this because you knew my bitch mother?

Vince Rizzo: Well, I gotta admit, you know, Nan could be difficult sometimes. But... she was also...

Tony: A drunk and a whore.

Vince Rizzo: Why do you call her that?

Tony: She used to punish me for not boosting cases of vodka from the liquor store I worked at, by screwing my friends. Which base does 'drunk' and 'whore' not cover?

Vince Rizzo: Don't you have any fond memories of her?

Tony: Well, at least she was around. My father left before I was born.

Vince Rizzo: [pauses] What do you know about him?

Tony: He's dead.

Vince Rizzo: That's too bad.

Tony: Eh, the only thing that's too bad, is I didn't get a chance to visit his deathbed and dance in his ugly face for leaving me with that bitch.

Vince Rizzo: Okay, let's go.

Gemma: What's happening tonight, guys?

Tony: Nothing. I gave up drinking.

Sarah Brightman: The third time this month?

Sandra: It's for his bird.

Tony: Do you have to use words like that? It really disempowers you.

Leah: It's your bird. She talks to me like I've got "cunt" written on me forehead.

Tony: You shouldn't use words like "bird".

Jamie: Where'd you meet my mum?

Tony: Planet Earth!

Jamie: Yeah, but where?

Tony: A place is just somewhere where shit happens.

Jamie: Yeah, but where?

Tony: Gateways.

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: You'll never get away with this, you two-bit filthy scum!

Tony: What did he call me?

Mouse: Scum.

Tony: Ah. Well, perhaps you'd like to leave now.

[snaps fingers]

Tony: Mouse?

[Mouse cocks his pistol]

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: [laughs weakly] About that "filthy scum" comment...

Tony: Shut up, shark bait.

Capt. Thaddeus Harris: "Shark bait"?

Michelle: You're kind of cute, for a white boy.

Tony: You know, you're white?

Michelle: Don't you ever call me that!

Tony: Where did you two come down on the whole circumcision controversy?

Tony: Personally, I think a boy's penis should look just like his father's.

Tony: Nancy was saying you were having some tension about oral sex.

Boy with Mouse: Can you help my mouse. I think hes sick.

Tony: Sure. I make him good as new.

[Throws out dead mouse and puts in a new one]

Tony: Here ya go kid. He just needed a new liver.

Boy with Mouse: How much?

Tony: How much you got?

Fiorello: You got some mail for me?

Tony: Mail for you? You don't work here.

Fiorello: Well where am I gonna get my mail? I no work anyplace.

Tony: Because the peoples is over there and if we play over there no one's gonna see us over there... so why dont't you pick up your sand and move it over there... you feeling me?

Tony: The CIA ain't got shit on a woman with a plan!

Tony: I don't need to know nothin' 'bout women when I got a momma, a cat, nine sisters and a gay uncle.

Brian Allen: Tony, can anyone enter?

Tony: No. Professionals only.

Brian Allen: I am a professional!

Tony: Where do you live?

Sandy: [broken English] Saus-a-lito.

Tony: And where is that near?

Sandy: [turns, looks at him] San Fran-sis-co.

Tony: I am very stu-pid. But I'm loads of fun.

Tony: Medicine's a fascinating field. That's why a woman like Lisa so interesting.

Sandy: Lisa?

Tony: There are 206 bones in the human body. I've never seen them that well arranged before.

Tony: It's a medically proven fact that to put said subject to sleep at this point, it's only necessary to introduce into his system several drops of Monotomic dicarbon hydroxyl.

Larry: But what's that?

Tony: Booze.

[Tony offers Dr. Hackenbush a hint book]

Tony: One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.

Dr. Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.

Flo: Oh, what is the meaning of this? Oh, why you little pest. Well!

Dr. Hackenbush: Say, what's the matter with you mugs?. Haven't you got any gallantry at all?

Tony: She's in with Whitmore. She's trying to frame you.

Dr. Hackenbush: I wouldn't mind framing her. A prettier picture, I've never seen.

Flo: Thank you.

Dr. Hackenbush: Thank yo.

Tony: Hey Doc! Doc, I'm tell you a secret - she's out to get you.

Flo: Why, I've never been so insulted in my life.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it's early yet.

Tony: Well, that's-a fine. Now we owe the Sheriff a hundred and twenty dollars and a sock.

Tony: Hey doc, can you see us?

Dr. Hackenbush: If I can't there's something wrong with my glasses.

[Talking about Stuffy]

Tony: I think he's a ubangi.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I'll get a hammer and "ubangi" that right off.

[Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam]

Dr. Hackenbush: If that's his Adam's-apple, he's got yellow fever.

Tony: He's got in-grown balloons.

Tony: Have you got a woman in here?

Dr. Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted 30 minutes of valuable time!

Tony: Well, you better get her out of here! This is the last time I'm going to tell you.

Dr. Hackenbush: The last time? Can I depend on that?

Dr. Hackenbush: [examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

Tony: Told you he was sick.

Dr. Hackenbush: [pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.

Tony: That's bad.

Dr. Hackenbush: With a 1% mentality.

[Stuffy grins]

Dr. Hackenbush: He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

Tony: Hey doc. Hey doc!

Dr. Hackenbush: Huh?

Tony: You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.

Dr. Hackenbush: Here's a ten-dollar bill and shoot the change, will you?

Tony: I got-a no change. I'll have to give you nine more books.

[Stuffy is getting an examination]

Dr. Hackenbush: Say "ah!"

[Stuffy opens his mouth, but says nothing]

Dr. Hackenbush: Louder!

[Stuffy does the same thing]

Dr. Hackenbush: Louder!

[Stuffy does the same thing. Dr. Hackenbush starts to leave]

Tony: What are you doing?

Dr. Hackenbush: I'm going to get my ears checked. I'm deaf.

Tony: You're not deaf. It's just him.

[referring to Ms. Marlowe]

Dr. Hackenbush: You've got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She's come to talk over some old family matters.

Tony: I wish I had an aunt look like that.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, take it up with your uncle.

Tony: [disgused as an ice cream vendor] You wanna something hot?

Dr. Hackenbush: Not now, I just ate. Besides I don't like hot ice cream.

[Tony is selling Hackenbush one book after another at the race track]

Tony: Well, justa by accident I think I gotta one right here.

Dr. Hackenbush: A lotta accidents around here for a quiet neighborhood.

Tony: We come to hang the paper.

Dr. Hackenbush: How about hanging yourselves?

Tony: [to Stuffy] Morgan fired you, huh? He wanted you to throw the race?

Gil: Wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?

Tony: Yeah, you know he's honest!

[Stuffy's hand starts to creep into ice cream cart - Tony slams the lid of his down onto it]

Tony: He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little.

Tony: Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!

Dr. Hackenbush: I notice he wins all the time.

Tony: Aw, just because he comes in first.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.

Tony: Getta your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!

Tony: Excuse, please. We're sure getting a lot of new customers since that Doctor Hac-ken-a-pus is coming.

Mrs. Upjohn: Did you say Hackenbush?

Tony: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Upjohn: I wonder if that could be the same one! Where's he come from?

Tony: Where's your Hac-ken-a-pus come from?

Mrs. Upjohn: Palmville, Florida.

Tony: That's the one!

Judy: Who's Doctor Hackenbush?

Tony: I don't know. But if she wants a Hac-ken-a-bush, she's gonna get a Hac-ken-a-pus.

Tony: [Talking to Stuffy] You're hungry, eh? You want-a some ice cream? You want-a nice big steak? With spinach? All right, all right, no spinach. No spinach. Apple-a pie? And a-beautiful nurses? Oh, baby, come on you a-gonna get a nurse. Oh my, you gonna get-a plenty to eat.

Whitmore: [In walk Tony and Stuffy, disguised as Doctors] Dr. Hackenbush, tell me, who sent for these men?

Dr. Hackenbush: You don't have to send for them. You just rub a lamp and they appear.

Tony: My name is Steinberg.

[Goes to shake Dr. Steinberg's hand]

Dr. Hackenbush: Dr. Steinberg, by a strange coincidence, this is another Dr. Steinberg. May I take my great friend and introduce my colleagues and good friends, another Dr. Steinberg. This is a Dr. Steinberg, Dr. Steinberg. Dr. Steinberg. And a Mrs. Steinberg. And Doctor, I'd like you to meet another Dr. Steinberg. And, eh, that's a, that's a Steinberg junior.

Tony: Ah, signorina, gentile, e bella. Oh, baby, you look-a good to me.

Flo: Oh, oh-oh, stop it.

Dr. Hackenbush: Hey, wait a minute. I thought you came here to see me?

Tony: Well, I can see you from here.

Flo: Oh, oh, get up, you... oh, oh...

Tony: Oh my God, look at the talent on this girl. I mean... fuckin' incredible footage. Spielberg would shit.

Tony: Listen. You ever have a call for firearms? You ever need anything like that? Automatic weapons, UZIs, AK-47s, M-16s, all the way up to rocket launchers, baby bombers down the other side. We deliver to anywhere in the world. No limit, high multiples?

Dave: What's your, uh, position?

Tony: Sales.

Tony: David, guess who stopped smoking?

David: Who?

Tony: Your house!

Tony: We didn't tell you? We're having a party! We rented out the Adams. Yeah it has this whole 80's theme.

Robert: Yeah, so, you can just wear that really ugly shirt you always wear. And... you'll be 80's!

David: Oh I'd love to. But all my stuff burned down. In the big funny fire!

Tony: [on stage] I can show you a good time. Its not has as if I hadn't got plenty of cash.

Maisie: Money isn't everything, though, it certainly helps!

Tony: One more ad lib like that, Toots, and you're getting a knuckle sandwich.

Rich: You ever wish you were someone else so that you could be free to live the life you were supposed to?

Tony: Who doesn't?

Tony: You do realize that you look like... a beautiful... woman?

Tony: Did you have a recent encounter with a genie or a leprechaun?

Rich: It's a Wonderful Life?

Tony: 1946. Frank Capra's iconic masterpiece. The answer to your dilemma rests in here.

Rich: You're saying I'm supposed to watch this movie?

Tony: I'm saying you're supposed to LIVE this movie.

Tony: [to Rich] I liked you better when you were a hot babe.

Tony: Every hero has to die before he can be born again.

Sal: [on flight to Australia] Yeah, so, w-what language they speakin' over there?

Tony: Jus' regular.

Sal: You mean, like, American?

Tony: Yeah, regular.

Sal: Is this country's on the other side o' the world they speak the same as us, they, they look the same as us? They don' look like Mexicans or nothin' , do they?

Tony: I got no idea.

Sal: [inspecting TV set in an Australian hotel] You think you can get a color set?

Bell Boy: They only come in black 'n white, sorry.

Sal: You're kiddin' me?

Tony: [handing over a banknote] Here you go, chief.

Bell Boy: What's that for?

Tony: It's a tip.

Bell Boy: Oh, righty-o. Ta.

Tony: [mockingly, as Bell Boy exits] Ta.

Sal: Taaah. Feel like we're... visitin'... hillbillies, here.

Tony: Blow jobs don't count.

Margaret: Does your mother know what you do for a living?

Tony: No.

Margaret: Well, she wouldn't like it.

Tony: Come on, you sound like my shrink!

Margaret: You're in therapy?

Tony: I'm not ashamed to say I got problems like anybody else.

Margaret: Well, I'm not, trying to insult you. I mean, I've got problems, too. I've been going to a therapist for five years, but you're a hired killer.

Tony: It's a job.

Margaret: No, a job is selling real estate!

Tony: This turkey is so good. Is it range grown?

Earl: Old Edgar here? No, no, he was a pet.

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: I know, son, it hasn't been easy growing up deprived of some of the things that other young boys have.

Tony: Like what, dad?

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: Well, like a mother. Didn't you notice? I mean, you do remember mom, don't you?

Tony: Oh yeah, she was the nice lady that used to come to the beach and the playground when I was real little.

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: That was the maid.

Tony: Oh. Oh I remember mom, now. I came into the room once without knocking, and you were both in bed together. You screamed at me to get out.

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: That was the maid.

Tony: Oh. What ever happened to that maid, dad?

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: Oh, she ran off with my handkerchiefs and my ties. I haven't heard from her since.

Tony: What ever happened to mom?

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: She ran off with my bank account and stock portfolio. And I haven't heard from *her* since.

Fortune Teller: You will live forever.

Tony: Hey, now come on folks, let's not get carried away here, huh?

Fortune Teller: You will always remain young, never to age.

Tony: Does that mean I will never be able to order a drink?

Dad - Col. William P. Walker: All right son, we're going to have a little talk. Staying out all night, watching too much television, filthy language. That's all right. But growling - I will not tolerate growling in this house.

Tony: [canine hair sprouting on his face] Grrrrr!

Miss Montgomery: You're new here. I bet you aren't even armed yet.

Tony: Oh no, I'm just here to register for classes.

Tony: Don't worry about me, folks. Now a-days with inflation it takes at least 8 silver bullets to kill a werewolf.

Fortune Teller: Then you will return home to fulfill your destiny.

Tony: What destiny is that?

Fortune Teller: I'm sorry, you're out of palm.

Tony: You're lucky being able to die. I can't die. I don't even get a temperature.

Dorothy: [At the pool table] Twenty-five points. Two dollars a point.

Tony: You couldn't make that five dollars a point, could you?

Dorothy: You got it.

Tony: Not yet, but, soon.

Dorothy: Now, were where we?

Tony: Eh, You made a very nice impression on me Tony. A very nice impression.

Dorothy: Yes, a very nice impression. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw this model young man, who was not fawning on wealth, out canoeing with the very girl he just said he wouldn't fawn on. You follow that?

Tony: Oh now, wait a minute, just 'cause she's the richest girl in the world is nothing to hold against her.

Dorothy: That's big of you.

Tony: No, but, you know, every time you hear of a man married to a rich girl you think he's a mucker. Now, I don't believe in that.

Tony: Oh, its possible, I may get married someday. You know how those things are. And who'll I marry?

Dorothy: I don't know.

Tony: Some nice girl, that's who. No, whom. No, who! Some nice girl, that's who. And I'll get to know her and I'll be able to talk to her, you know, like a pal. Like this! Like we're talking.

Dorothy: Yes.

Tony: Certainly!

Dorothy: I'm drinking, Tony, to you marrying the richest girl in the world.

Tony: Ha-ha-ha. You're drunk, baby.

Tony: I couldn't afford the campaign to get a girl like that.

Dorothy: What do you mean?

Tony: Well, here, for instance, 12 dollars for a steak.

Dorothy: They'll charge that to Miss Hunter.

Tony: You know, to romance a girl like that would cost a fortune.

Dorothy: Isn't it worth it?

Tony: If you hit the bell it would be. But, I've only got 18 hundred dollars to may name. That probably wouldn't even get two full meals, here.

Dorothy: Don't do that.

Tony: Why not?

Dorothy: I don't want you to.

Tony: Oh, yes you do.

Dorothy: Aren't you conceited.

Tony: [Kiss] You're sweet.

Tony: Well, where was Moses when the lights went out?

Sylvia: In the dark.

Léon: Tony... All the money I make, that you keep for me...

Tony: You need some money?

Léon: No, just curious... Because, I've been working a long time... And I havent done anything with my... I thought maybe someday I could

[uncomfortable]

Léon: use it.

Tony: [Figuring him out] You met a woman.

Tony: Hey, Leon, nothing's gonna happen to you. You're indestructible! Bullets slide off you, you play with 'em.

Tony: Check it. Make sure it's the right thing.

Léon: I trust you.

Tony: One thing has nothin' to do with the other - remember that Léon.

Léon: I will.

Léon: I took a hit. I need a hand now. I know she's young, but she learns fast. Kids need to be shaped into something right?

Tony: Yeah, I know. I taught you that. But ain't there an age limit?

Léon: She's 18.

Tony: Oh, really?

Tony: Change ain't good, you know Léon?

[first lines]

Tony: Allora, come stai, Leone?

Léon: Bene.

[Tony puts out his cigarette in an ashtray]

Tony: OK. OK. Let's talk business.

Tony: You're not thinking I'm someone else?

Maria: I know you are not.

Tony: Or that we've met before?

Maria: I know we have not.

Tony: I felt, I knew something never before was going to happen, had to happen. But this is so much more.

Maria: My hands are cold.

[he takes them in his]

Maria: Yours too.

[he moves them to his face]

Maria: So warm.

[she moves his to hers]

Tony: So beautiful.

Maria: Beautiful.

Tony: It's so much to believe. You're not making a joke?

Maria: I have not yet learned how to joke that way. I think now I never will.

Tony: You heard - it's gonna be a fair fight!

Doc: And that's going to cure something?

Tony: From here on in, everythin's gonna be all right! I got a feelin'!

Doc: What have you been taking tonight?

Tony: A trip to the moon! And I'll tell ya a secret. It ain't a man that's up there, Doc. It's a girl, lady. Buenas noches, Senor.

Doc: Buenas noches? So that's why you made it a fair fight...

Tony: I'm gonna see her tomorrow an' I can't wait!

Doc: Tony... things aren't tough enough?

Tony: Tough? Doc, I'm in love!

Doc: And you're not frightened?

Tony: Should I be?

Doc: [after a pause] No. I'm frightened enough for the both of us.

Riff: Look, Tony, I've never asked the time of day from a clock but I'm asking you, come to the dance tonight. I already told the gang you'd be there. If you don't show I'll be marked lousy.

Tony: What time?

Riff: Ten.

Tony: Ten it is.

Riff: Womb to tomb!

Tony: Birth to Earth. And I'll live to regret this.

Riff: Who knows? Maybe what you've been waitin' on will be twitchin at the dance tonight.

Tony: Who knows? Could be... Who knows?

Tony: You know what Maria and me are gonna do out in the country? We're gonna have kids, lots of 'em, and name them all after you-even the girls. That way when you come and visit...

Doc: [slaps him] Wake up! Is this the only way to get to you? Fight like all you kids do?

Riff: Four-and-a-half years I live wit' a buddy an' his family. I think I'm diggin' a guy's character... Boy, I'm a victim of disappointment in you.

Tony: End ya sufferin', little man. Why dontcha just pack up ya gear an' move out?

Riff: 'Cause ya ma's hot fa me...

Tony: I- I didn't believe hard enough.

Maria: Loving is enough.

Tony: Not here. They won't let us be.

Maria: Then we'll run away.

Tony: Yeah, we can.

Maria: Yes.

Tony: We will...

Maria: [singing] Hold my hand and we are halfway there, hold my hand and I'll take you there. Somehow! Someday! Some...

Doc: [frustrated] Why do you kill?

Tony: [picks up the scattered money] I told you how it happened, Maria understands, I thought you did too.

Tony: Well end your suffering little man. Why don't you pack up your gear and clear out of here?

Tony: [angrily] I ain't playing anymore, CAN'T ANY OF YOU GET THAT?

Anybodys, Tomboy: [agitatedly] BUT THE GANG!

Tony: You're a girl! be a girl and beat it!

Tony: [after Tat Lawson shoots Man #2] The fuck you trippin' off of?

Tat Lawson: Do you owe me some money, motherfucker?

Tony: [Tosses Tat Lawson some cash] Hell no! But here you go!

Tony: No small talk, huh? They shoot your horse?

Tom Reagan: If there's any justice...

Clarissa: I hear they're having an open-casket funeral for Jamie. I think that's in bad taste.

Tony: It is in bad taste. This whole episode is in bad taste. You young people are a disgrace to the human race. To all living things, to plants even. You shouldn't be seen in the same room with a cactus.

Samson: I killed her.

Maggie: You're strange, John.

Tony: What'd you do, man? Sit on her?

Tony: Gimme a cigarette, man.

Layne: You fucking gave up cigarettes.

Tony: I gave up yesterday, not today.

Layne: I gave up lending.

[hands over the cigarette anyway]

Layne: Learn some self-control, you're interrupting.

[to Matt:]

Layne: Go on.

Matt: I don't know. I just figured we could dump this place, you know? Go up there, and if we like it, we stay, don't come back.

Clarissa: [not impressed] Where did you get Portland?

Matt: Well, nobody knows us up there.

Clarissa: People know us here?

Layne: [mimicking Sonny & Cher, his hand wandering] I know you, babe.

Clarissa: [brushing him off] That's really annoying, Layne.

Layne: [to Matt:] So what, man? We could be lumberjacks or something?

Matt: There's other things to do.

Layne: Like what?

Maggie: Like getting stoned.

[laughter]

Layne: It almost sounds like a plan. Except we're all broke, and I'm the only one with a car.

Tony: We could just take all our parents' money, take off, discover America, and make like we're Easy Rider plus five.

Clarissa: [checking Maggie's wristwatch] Shit, I gotta go. Burkewaite's gonna have a spaz attack if I'm late again.

Layne: [taunting] She's in love with his middle-aged ass.

Clarissa: He's not middle-aged, asshole.

[to new arrival coming up:]

Clarissa: Hi, John.

Layne: [to Samson] Didn't think you'd make it today. Where's Jamie?

Samson: I killed her.

Clarissa: [to Maggie] She's gonna be in big trouble if she keeps ditching like this.

Maggie: [to Samson] You what?

Samson: I killed her.

Maggie: [decides he's talking nonsense] You're strange, John.

[the two girls walk off to class]

Tony: [after his blunt revelation about having killed Jamie] What did you do, man? Sit on her?

[walks off]

Samson: [to the others] They don't believe me.

Eddie: That's the boss' nephew?

Tony: [in the background, upon seeing Fingers' desk] Nigga what? This fucking thing is huge!

Eddie: What's he like?

Tony: [background] Fuck me! This is just like fuck!

Pleasure: Articulate.

Tony: This isn't a family. It's just a bunch of people living at the same address.

Diana Pines: People change. They don't always turn out the way you expect.

Tony: I know. You should see my baby pictures.

Alby: The fuckin' Chinese blew up half the block tonight.

Tony: Don't fuck with the Chinese, Alby. They'll fucking kill you.

Alby: Mind your business!

Mercury: [talking to an elderly Chinese man] Hey chopsticks, that's your daughter? Real pretty lookin' chink! ha-ha

Tony: Shut the fuck up, Mercury!

Mercury: What?

Tony: You heard what I said. Shut the fuck up.

Mercury: Hey, you don't like it you go over to the 'chink' booth. How about that?

Tony: They ain't 'chinks', they're people, man.

Mercury: They're people, huh? Then why don't you take a look and see what these "people" did to your family store, how about that?

Tony: And what "people" did this to my brother?

Mercury: Hey Alby! What's this kid whacked on? Somebody better talk to him.

Tony: Who? Somebody like you?

Mercury: What is this?

Tony: Don't look at my brother! I'm talking to you!

Mercury: You making a big mistake, little boy.

Tony: That's okay you fucking piece of shit!

Alby: [Mercury starts to manhandle Tony and Alby breaks it up] Hey! hey! What is wrong with you?

Mercury: Hey, I'm alright. Take him home! Take Gandhi home! Take this "chink" lover home! Go ahead! Put him to bed. Goodnight, Gandhi!

Alby: What's the matter with you? Fighting with your friends over nothin'?

Tony: He ain't my friend.

Alby: Well he's my friend!

Tony: He just gets me mad with all that shit about the Chinese.

Alby: What do you mean?

Tony: It gets on my nerves.

Alby: Since when are you so sensitive about the Chinese?

Tony: I ain't , it just bothers me alrite?

Alby: Why is that?

Tony: It just does!

Alby: you not answering my question.

Tony: What do you want from me Alby, huh? I'm sick and tired of his shit! He's a fucking asshole!

Alby: Whoa, whoa! What's wrong with you? Huh? These are our friends. You were born in this neighborhood. Don't you forget that.

Mercury: Hey "Romeo", what's that on your face?

Tony: Shit, it's too hot for you Mercury.

Mercury: Hey you look good with that cotex on your nose. Why don't you run across the street and have the "fish-head" take your picture.

Alby: I'll tell you now Tony. I catch in that fuckin' neighborhood again, I swear to Christ I'll smack the shit out of you. You understand me?

Tony: I told you I wasn't in their neighborhood Alby.

Alby: How many times I gotta tell you to stay away from these people. They are nothing but trouble. huh?

Mercury: People? They don't even look human.

Nino: Look at 'em. Have you ever seen one without a camera in their hand? Ha ha.

Mercury: Do you notice that they are squinting even when it's cloudy?

Tony: Thank God I'm not stupid like you guys.

Tony: This guy's pointin' a gun at me. Hey you, be nice and put the gun away.

Taras: Tell the fat bastard to shut up!

Tony: Who you callin' a fat bastard?

Taras: Shut it!

Tony: Don't yell at me sonny, I'm jet-lagged.

Taras: You want to be drop dead? Huh? Think you can keep your fuckin' mouth shut, huh?

Tony: I think my boys would miss me.

Taras: They'll survive.

Tony: No, not them. Them.

[two dozen thugs with guns come out]

Tony: They're jet-lagged too.

[takes his gun away]

Fitz: Get out of my car, you Punk!

Tony: But I have no idea where we are.

Fitz: Get your ass out of here!

Tony: I'm sorry.

Fitz: Get out!

Adaline Bowman: Why're you doing this?

Tony: Come again?

Adaline Bowman: You're a smart kid. Forgery is a felony. 250 thousand dollar fine, six years in jail.

Tony: Shit, you're a cop?

Adaline Bowman: [snorts] No, I'm about as far from law enforcement as you can get. I just hate to see wasted potential, Jeff.

Tony: Tony, it's Tony.

Adaline Bowman: The autographed baseballs in your bedroom. Made out to Jeff. Don't get sloppy. It's the little things that trip you up.

Eilis: You remember that after I had dinner at your house, you told me that you loved me?

[Tony nods, sombre and nervous]

Eilis: Well, I didn't really know what to say. But I know what to say now. I have thought about you and I like you, and I like seeing you, and maybe I feel the same way. So the next time you tell me you love me, if there is a next time, I'll, I'll say I love you too.

Tony: Are you serious?

Eilis: Yes.

Tony: Holy shit! Excuse my language, but I thought we were going to have a different kind of talk. You mean it?

Eilis: I mean it.

Tony: OK, so while you're being amenable. Can we go see a movie this week? When you're not at night classes?

Eilis: I'll sign up for two movies.

Tony: Really?

Eilis: Yes. Even if the first date is a disaster, I'll give it another chance.

Tony: Home is home.

Laurenzio: You'll have to go to Ebbets Field if you want to see him in the Summer.

Eilis: They're that important to you?

Tony: Put it this way, if our kids end up supporting the Yankees or the Giants, it would break my heart.

Tony: Do you like Italian food?

Eilis: Don't know. I've never eaten it.

Tony: It's the best food in the world.

Eilis: Well, why would I not like it?

Dad: Listen, have you noticed anything weird about our Billy lately?

Tony: What are you after like, a list?

Michael: Oi! Dancing boy!

Dad: [Billy turns around and starts running to him] We'll miss the bus, Billy!

Tony: Can you stop being an old fucking woman?

Billy: [approaches Michael, then after a moment, kisses him on the cheek] See you then.

[smiles and runs off]

Billy: Tony, do you ever think about death?

Tony: Fuck off.

[at the theatre]

Tony: What the bloody hell are you doing here?

Michael (Aged 25): I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Tony: You're a ballet dancer, then let's be havin' it!

Tony: Have you been playing my records you little twat?

Billy: I never played nowt.

Tony: Nob'ed.

Michael: Oi, dancing boy!

[Billy runs to Michael]

Dad: We'll miss the bus, Billy!

Tony: Will you stop being an old fucking woman?

Tony: Dance you little twat!

[first lines]

Hugo Barrett: Excuse me, sir. My name is Barrett, sir.

Tony: Oh God, of course. I'm so sorry. I fell asleep. We've got an appointment.

Hugo Barrett: Yes, sir.

Tony: What time?

Hugo Barrett: 3'o clock, sir.

Tony: And what time is now?

Hugo Barrett: 3'o clock, sir.

Tony: Uh, it was too many beers at lunch, that's what it is. Do you drink beer?

Hugo Barrett: No. No, I don't sir.

Tony: Well, come upstairs. We can sit down. I'm just back from Africa, I'm quite liking it. What do you think of the house?

Hugo Barrett: It's so nice, sir.

Tony: Needs a lot to be done with, of course.

Tony: By the way I've got to tell you. I've found a male servant.

Susan: [laughing] A what?

Tony: Do you want to go there?

Susan: Where?

Tony: The jungle.

Susan: No. Not now.

Tony: Not now.

[kisses her]

Tony: He may be a servant but he's still a human being.

Tony: I want an explanation!

Hugo Barrett: Might I have a word with you alone, sir?

Tony: Do you realize that what you've done is a CRIMINAL offence?

Hugo Barrett: Criminal, sir?

Tony: She's your sister, you bastard!

Hugo Barrett: She's not my sister, sir. So if I may say so, that puts us both rather in the same boat. He knows precisely what I mean. In any case, apart for the area being in your room, I'm perfectly in my rights. Vera is my fiancée.

Tony: What?

Tony: I need the key for 042!

David: You can't get it, Elaine's not in.

Rupert: Where is she?

David: She's dealing with the raccoons, man.

Tony: You do it again, I'm gonna get out the whip.

Nick: Promises, promises!

Tony: Hasn't anyone ever told you that second-hand smoke kills?

Nurse Marion: Yeah, but they're all dead.

Dolores: It must be nice to be a boy. You can piss anywhere you want to.

Tony: The world's my toilet.

[first lines]

Tony: [Tony walks up to a DVD seller on the street] Hello, how are you? All right.

Tony: [Tony doesn't get a response] I haven't got a DVD player, I've only got a video recorder, I'm afraid. You should sell videos. If you had any action films on video, I'd buy them from you.

Tony: [Tony still doesn't get a response] What do you think... What do you think is better, um, karate or kung fu? I'll see you, then. Might see you tomorrow.

[Tony walks off]

[Tony sits beside Mackey who's slowly waking up from being drugged]

Mackey: [Mackey see's Tony who has some kind of talcum applied to his face] What's the matter with your face? Where's Smudge?

Tony: Oh, he's having a little lie down, he's not well.

Tony: [Tony begins quoting the movie First Blood to Mackey] I don't want to kill no more. I could have killed you. In town, you're the law, out here, it's me. Don't push it, don't push it, or I'll give you a war like you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go. Seen it? First Blood.

[Tony smiles as Mackey falls back asleep, Tony continues to watch TV in his living room]

[Tony wakes up next to a corpse in his bed]

Tony: Morning. Do you want a cup of tea? Do you want some breakfast? I'll make some breakfast.

[Tony talks to himself in the mirror quoting the movie, Wanted: Dead or Alive]

Tony: I'm not a criminal, I'm a soldier. And I deserve to die like a soldier. You're not a soldier. You're a fly on a pile of shit.

[Tony screams fiercely into the mirror]

[last lines]

Police Inspector: [the police inspector questions Tony about the disappearance of a young boy and the apartment having a bad odor] What is that fucking smell?

Tony: What?

Police Inspector: There's a terrible smell in here. What is that?

Tony: Oh, uh, drains. Council meant to send someone down to...

Police Inspector: Drains? Council?

Tony: Yeah.

Police Inspector: You won't mind if I go and have a look around then, will you?

Tony: What, the drains?

Police Inspector: Yeah.

Tony: No, I don't mind.

Police Inspector: [as the police inspector begins to investigate the apartment, he receives a mobile call from a fellow officer] Reynolds? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't understand ya. Right. Where was he? I'll be there in a minute.

[the police inspector leaves Tony's apartment as we see later that evening Tony dumping some bags into the ocean water]

Tony: [Hearing his girlfriend's death screams] Hey, are you OK? Where are you? Come on out, I think we should go home now...

Tony: Here at Pizza Playhouse we do things one way: the right way.

Tony: Where's Sally?

Andrea: She left, had a scout meeting.

Tony: There's another one I want you to see. Meet Tommy Ivo. This dragster of his has taken over 300 trophies across the country.

Tom Hendry: [whistles] That's quite a heap of metal.

Tony: He holds two world's records.

Tom Hendry: [to Tommy] What are they?

Tommy Ivo: World's fastest unblown gas engine - turned 154.37 miles an hour. I also got the record for the world's quickest single-engine gas car with a 9.16-second elapsed time. I got top gas eliminator at the big United States fuel and gas championship meet in March 1959.

Tom Hendry: You designed it yourself?

Tommy Ivo: Yes.

Tom Hendry: What were some of the difficulties you had to overcome?

Tommy Ivo: Well, weight. It had to be light. The lighter it is, the easier it is to get rollin'. The soonest things I did to make it light was instead of using the normal ninety-two thousandths Shelby tubing I changed to oh-four-nine thousandths and used chrome-moly for strength. I narrowed the rear end to 24 inches to cut down on axle and axle housing weight, and changed the front end suspension from spring to torsion bar and mounted the read end solid.

Tom Hendry: Ho-ho-ho-hold it a minute!

Tommy Ivo: The traction problem was taken care of by mounting the engine high in the chassis so that under acceleration the weight would transfer from front to rear. I put motorcycle wheels on the front end to cut down on weight and rolling resistance, and I bored the engine bigger and stroked it longer by welding on the crank and re-turning the throws off-center. Well, I guess that's about it.

Tony: Whoa, whoa, easy Grandma easy. Didn't mean to scare you.

Grandma: Oh really, 'fuckface'? Do I look scared to you?

Tony: Calm down. It's not the 1st time I've had a gun pointed at me.

Grandma: Oh, maybe so, but it could be the last time anyone shoots your balls off! Ha ha, now that's better. Now you 'Bald Ass'!

[points gun at Muscles]

Grandma: and you 'Fat Ass'

[points gun at Pat]

Grandma: and you 'Black Ass'

[points gun at Q]

Grandma: get back in your shit mobile and piss off! Go rob a post office or something!

Pat: We'd love to but we ran out of fuel and we barely made it here.

Grandma: Then go rob a freaking petrol station or something!

Q: I understand how this looks. We're not here to rob anyone. We just saw the car and...

Grandma: Thought you'd get a closer look eh?. I'm not getting any younger, you know. I just might shoot the lot of you anyways!

Q: Whoa, easy, easy, all right? You're not gonna shoot anyone.

Grandma: Oh, really?

Q: Yeah, because if you do, you'll attract every member of the undead within a 10-mile radius and I know you don't want to do that. Look, you even took the wind-chimes from your front door.

Muscles: We understand that we startled you out here all alone.

Cassie: [out of nowhere she appears pointing a gun at Q's head] What makes you think she's all alone?

Grandma: Going somewhere good are we?

Tony: Put the fucking gun down!

Grandma: No, after you.

Tony: Ladies 1st!

Q: Ton, what's going on?

Tony: We're leaving!

Grandma: Not with all our food you're not!

Tony: Don't fucking argue with me! We are heading for the coast. I got the car keys in me pocket.

Q: Ton, this is wrong mate.

Tony: Oh shut up you soppy little cunt! What do you know about right and fucking wrong? Was it 'right' for any of 'this' to happen? Was it ' right' for us to rob a bank? Was it 'right' to steal a van? No! Yes it is a piece of shit fucking van with me mate's blood all over it!

Q: Why don't you lower the gun?

Tony: Shut up! Was it 'right' for fucking Danny to be buried in the mud? No! Was it 'right' for Crazy Steve to be eaten by those fucking things?

Cassie: Tony, look...

Tony: Shut the fuck up you cunt!

[Pat & Muscles enter the room]

Tony: Pat, we leaving mate, Muscles, I got the car keys in me pocket mate!

Pat: What?

Muscles: Tony, no mate...

Grandma: You're not going anywhere!

Tony: Shut up you old cow or I'll shoot you then I'll shoot your fucking granddaughter!

Grandma: You pathetic little man!

Tony: Oh yeah?

[starts to shoot gun but it only clicks]

Cassie: You evil fuck!

Grandma: You thought I would leave a loaded gun in the house with someone like you around?

Tony: Ann, you all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.

April Darling: It's wonderful.

Tony: You're wonderful.

Jane: I know you're following me, little man.

Tony: You're a goddamn junkie, ain't you?

Jane: Junk-ette. Fact, I used to dance in The Junk-ettes.

Tony: My brother was a goddamn junkie.

Jane: So, is he no longer with us?

Tony: No. He's in the big junkyard in heaven.

Jane: That's pretty funny.

Tony: Tell him Tony says hey when you get there.

Jane: [catches Tony staring at her] What?

Tony: Remember when you asked why you?

Jane: Hmm?

Tony: Why I followed you out of the hospital?

Jane: Oh, yeah.

Tony: I thought you were an angel. I saw you out of the window. I thought you were an angel.

Jane: [after Tony has tied Jane to a chair] Tony, why are you doing this?

Tony: You asked me to.

Jane: No, I mean why are you looking after me?

Tony: Somebody's gotta.

Jane: Yeah, but why you?

Tony: I ain't got nothing better to do.

[points to her TV]

Tony: Does this thing work?

Jane: A little.

Jane: [stares at Tony] My guardian angel.

Jane: Tony, how'd you get it?

Tony: What? I don't know.

Jane: Well, you must know.

Tony: No.

Jane: Well, you never did drugs, right? Was it a blood transfusion? Did you ever street hustle?

Tony: No!

Jane: Look, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Tony: Well, maybe not for you! You're not ashamed of nothing!

Jane: Is that what happened?

Tony: No! Just shut up about it!

Jane: Okay, okay. I'm sorry, okay? Look, I won't mention it again. Tony, I'm sorry.

Tony: My dad...

Jane: What?

Tony: My dad gave it to me.

Jane: Your dad?

Tony: Yeah. Gave it to me and he gave it to my mom. Get it now? My mom, she never drowned. She died from the same fucking thing I'm gonna die from.

Jane: [shaking him] Tell me what's wrong with you! What is it? Is it cancer or something? Goddammit, Tony, tell me what it is!

Tony: [quietly] AIDS.

Jane: [quickly lets go of him] Oh, Jesus!

Tony: No, don't worry. You can't get it from touching me.

Jane: I'm not afraid of getting it.

Tony: Sure...

Jane: I already got it, you stupid kid.

Tony: What?

Jane: Yeah. But evidently, you got it a whole lot worse.

Tony: [about going back to the hospital] I'm gonna die in there! Don't make die in there! I want to die with you!

Jane: What? C'mon why? Huh? Why?

Tony: 'Cause I love you.

Jane: You don't even know me. How can you love me?

Tony: I don't know. I love you.

Jane: It's okay. I'm just gonna wash your hair.

Tony: [embarrassed that Jane is watching him take a bath] I'll wash my own hair.

Jane: C'mon, let me. I used to be a hairdresser once.

Tony: Yeah?

Jane: Yeah.

Tony: So, you didn't always do nasty stuff for a job?

Jane: No, not always.

Tony: That's good. That stuff's like underneath you, you know?

Jane: Thank you.

Tony: Don't mention it.

Emmy Brown: Who did that? I said, who did that?

Tony: It was me.

Emmy Brown: You mean, it was I, Tony.

Tony: No, it wasn't you Miss Brown, it was me!

Tony: They fired me.

Diane: Well, you can't give up.

Tony: Yes, I can.

Diane: Tony, your system works. You just haven't found anybody yet it works on.

Suzanne: That wasn't my husband, that was a friend. He is still a live. My husband died eighteen months ago.

Tony: Oh, thank god. I mean, that your friend's still alive and your husband is dead.

Suzanne: I don't date.

Tony: It wouldn't be a date, just a meal. As a matter of fact, we could sit at different tables.

Suzanne: What about your girlfriend? Doesn't she like sailing?

Tony: She's not my girlfriend.

Suzanne: You know, I always thought it was the bottle of champagne that makes the boat move forweard.

Tony: You mean it doesn't?

Tony: I couldn't help it, Charlie. I had to find out where I went wrong. The years I've spent trying to get all the things I was told were important - that I was supposed to want! Things! Not people... or meaning. Just things. And California was the same. They made the decisions for me all over again and they were the same things, really. It's going to be different from now on. A new face and a name. I'll do the rest. I know it's going to be different. I suppose you do too.

Nora: What kind of man is he? There's grace in the line and color, but it doesn't emerge pure. It pushes at the edge of something still tentative, unresolved - as if somewhere in the man there is still a key unturned.

Tony: That's quite an analysis.

Nora: Not really. When you come to think of it - it sort of fits everybody, doesn't it?

Nora: This may hurt a little.

Tony: I agreed to take my chances.

Tony: So... tell me about your boy.

Trip: [chuckling] How'd you know?

Tony: About every week I get a call from a guy like you, a serious baseball dad. Looks me up, and he wants his kid to be a Moose.

Trip: Yeah, well, he's a great player.

Tony: [grinning] Gee, I never heard that before.

Tony: Why did you have to fuck that bloody girl?

Tony: Do you want my hard cock in your wet vagina?