Scott Calvin Quotes in The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

Mother Nature: Jack Frost, You are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii. You made it snow in the Amazon. And you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter. You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.

Jack Frost: Excuse me... Did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious.

Scott Calvin: Oh, please.

Jack Frost: Guilty as charged.

Bud Newman: [about the elves, thinking they are short toymakers]

Sylvia Newman: Well, they are petit.

Bud Newman: Tom Cruise is petit, these guys are short! What's the deal?

Scott Calvin: Have you ever been to this part of Canada?

Bud Newman: We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in '67, but no.

Scott Calvin: They can't help the way they look up here. It's a bit rude to make fun of an entire country, don't you think?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, Scott - - it's time.

Scott Calvin: [checks his watch] Oh, about 10 o' clock.

Mrs. Claus: No, it's time to deliver the package.

Scott Calvin: No... midnight, as usual.

Mrs. Claus: No, it's time to deliver **the package**.

Scott Calvin: [looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization] It's time to deliver the PACKAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

Scott Calvin: [Comet passes gas] Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?

[Comet resumes passing gas]

Jack Frost: [after Santa's pants catch on fire] Is there anything I can do to help?

Scott Calvin: Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will ya?

Jack Frost: [turns his head away slowly]

Scott Calvin: You HIT me with a shovel!

Scott Calvin: I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.

Sandman: I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.

Jack Frost: [as Santa] You were the one who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'.

Scott Calvin: What'd you say?

[surreptitiously turns on recorder pen]

Jack Frost: [a trifle impatiently] I said, "Who said, 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'." Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?

Bud Newman: [about the door he's sanding] As smooth as a baby's butt, feel it.

Scott Calvin: [feels it] Oh yeah, very butt-like.

Scott Calvin: Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question; How are we going to do this, my Dad thinks you're a toy maker in Canada.

Curtis: Canada?

Scott Calvin: Canada! It's North, in North America, Eh! Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their Chesterfield to watch the hockey game, shoot the puck Daddy-o!

Jack Frost: [recording played of Jack mocking Calvin] I wish I'd never been Santa at all.

Scott Calvin: [mocking Jack's earlier arrogance] Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?

Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.

Little Elf Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.

Dr. Neil Miller: [in a light-hearted psychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?

Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...

[honestly]

Scott Calvin: I read him a book!

Dr. Neil Miller: What book?

Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives."

[Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture]

Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!

Scott Calvin: [flying away in the sleigh] Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And when I wake up in the morning, I'm getting a CAT scan!

[laughs]

Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!

Scott Calvin: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.

Scott Calvin: [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesn't happen! It was a dream! Come on! I don't even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha!

[suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]

Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.

Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine.

Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.

Bernard: I'll ship the list to your house.

Scott Calvin: What list?

Bernard: You know, the list.

[sings quietly]

Bernard: He's making a list...

Charlie: [singing loudly] Checkin' it twice!

Elves: [chorusing] Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!

[Bernard groans]

Charlie: Get the bag of toys.

Scott Calvin: And do what?

Charlie: Go down the chimney.

Scott Calvin: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?

Det. Nunzio: [after Scott got arrested] Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say 'name', you say 'Scott Calvin'.

[gestures Scott to come close]

Det. Nunzio: Name?

Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle.

Det. Nunzio: Name?

Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.

Det. Nunzio: [annoyed] Name!

Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel.

[imitates Ed Sullivan]

Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio!

Det. Nunzio: Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.

Scott Calvin: Well, isn't that a pretty picture, Santa rolling down the block in a PANZER! Well kids, I... I certainly hope you have been good this year, cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming!

Scott Calvin: Where is he?

Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.

Scott Calvin: I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?

Scott Calvin: Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.

Scott Calvin: [after he watches in the mirror as his beard grows back within one second after he shaved it prior to the big custody hearing] I'm in big trouble. Mm-hmm.

Scott Calvin: Hey, Barabbas!

Bernard: Ber-nard!

Scott Calvin: Bernard, can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to stop and change planes in Denver?

Scott Calvin: Hey, Charlie, you know how to call 911?

Charlie: Sure, 9-1-1.

Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.

Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale!

Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.

Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?

Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.

Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?

Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?

Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.

Dr. Pete Novos: Really?

Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.

Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?

Sarah the Little Girl: Santa?

Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin.

Sarah the Little Girl: How come your clothes are so baggy?

Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats.

[gestures obesity]

Sarah the Little Girl: How come you don't have a beard?

Scott Calvin: Because I shaved!

[instantly reveals an unwrapped present for her, out of his bag]

Scott Calvin: You want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.

Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything?

Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.

Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.

Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.

Mr. Whittle: Ah, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?

Scott Calvin: And I'll have a caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.

[licks his lips, sees people looking weirdly at him]

Scott Calvin: On the side.

Waiter: Anything to drink?

Scott Calvin: Ice cold milk.

Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?

Scott Calvin: A big bee.

[assuming that he's Santa, sees Scott take celery off a plate left out for him, but neglects the milk right by it]

Sarah the Little Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk.

Scott Calvin: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back to the chimney.

[bites on his celery stick, and under his breath, mocks Sarah]

Scott Calvin: You're supposed to drink the milk!

[she opens her eyes after hearing what he said]

Scott Calvin: Shut your eyes!

[she does]

Laura: Here's Neil's mother's number.

Scott Calvin: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number.

Charlie: Neil's a really good cook.

Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.

Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?

Scott Calvin: Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...

Charlie: Lash out irrationally?

Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that?

Charlie: From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.

Scott Calvin: Yeah! And he charges you for it.

Scott Calvin: Johnny, naughty. Gary, nice.

[Sees a beautiful woman]

Scott Calvin: Veronica, very nice.

Veronica: In your dreams, sleigh boy.

Scott Calvin: The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the circus pulls out of town.

Scott Calvin: [reading the fallen Santa's instruction card] If something should happen to me, put on my suit; the reindeer will know what to do.

[repeated line]

Scott Calvin: What if I fall off the roof?

Scott Calvin: Not necessarily. It could be rude, sarcastic, whatever it takes!

Charlie: These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?

Scott Calvin: I hope not. These are... A gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.

Charlie: Dad?

Scott Calvin: What is it, Charlie?

Charlie: Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?

Scott Calvin: Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven.

Charlie: And don't forget the fire extinguisher!

Scott Calvin: Good night, Charlie!

Scott Calvin: [to fallen Santa Claus] Fella, if you can hear me, I'm just looking for your identification. As soon as I find out who you are, I'll give you a lift back to the mall.

Mr. Whittle: Good God, your weight! What happened?

Scott Calvin: Bee sting. Evidently I'm allergic. It almost killed me. But, the guy at the emergency room said that eventually the swelling will go down. I hope.

Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?

[a dead silence falls upon the workshop]

Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?

Scott Calvin: Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey.

Dr. Pete Novos: Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it - and you should diet!

Scott Calvin: [about what will happen for Christmas Eve dinner] Are you going to your mom's for dinner?

Laura: Actually, we're going with Neil's family.

Scott Calvin: Ah, Christmas at the pound!

[mockingly imitates a howling wolf, a hissing cat, and a cat meowing]

Charlie: Whoa, how did you do that? How did that feel, Dad?

Scott Calvin: It felt like "America's Most Wanted".

Scott Calvin: [the bag lifts him up] Hey, hey, HEY, wait! There is no chimney here, okay? No chimney!

Charlie: Lookin good Dad.

Scott Calvin: [hovers over a thin pipe] You have got to be kidding me.

Scott Calvin: Whoa! This could be a really long night.

Charlie: Do it again Dad, please?

Scott Calvin: [picks up the bag] I can't, the thing's empty.

Scott Calvin: [Comet the reindeer gets angry and growls] There's nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace.

Scott Calvin: [Comet growls] Are you growling at me?

Scott Calvin: [Comet nods his head] Look, Comet, like I said there is nothing left...

Scott Calvin: Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!

Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?

Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.

Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract.

Scott Calvin: What contract?

Bernard: The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.

Scott Calvin: The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?

Bernard: No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.

Scott Calvin: What?

Bernard: You're a businessman, right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.

Bernard: [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.

[Reads what the I.D. card says]

Scott Calvin: What does that mean?

Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.

Scott Calvin: That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...

Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*

Charlie: [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared.

Scott Calvin: [looks around] He's naked somewhere.

Scott Calvin: Here we are. Denny's. Always open.

Charlie: I don't wanna eat here.

Scott Calvin: What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution.

Scott Calvin: This thing, you never know where it's been. A thousand malls! Well I hope you're happy, Comet. I hope you're happy, but most importantly, I hope the guy that lives here IS A TAILOR!

Scott Calvin: Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

Charlie: You said you believe in Santa Claus, right, Dad?

Scott Calvin: I did? I do!

Scott Calvin: [on the phone with his ex-wife while driving on an empty road, making up an excuse for his tardiness to meeting her and their son] I ran real late today. You wouldn't BELIEVE the traffic out here.

[honks his horn, and pretends to yell out to the street]

Scott Calvin: Hey, same to you! And that's not very ladylike!

[back to his wife]

Scott Calvin: Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late.

Scott Calvin: Hey, I know where this is going. The other guy fell, it was an accident. I've got homeowners insurance, and a good attorney, not as good as my wife's - but let's not open up that wound!

Charlie: [about Neil] I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.

Scott Calvin: Yeah, then he charges you for it.

Charlie: [to his father, Scott] I'm fine, Dad. Think about those kids! You're Santa! We were up in the North Pole!

Scott Calvin: Charile... I don't know.

Charlie: What do you mean you don't know?

Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie... listen...

Charlie: YOU listen! You think you know what he is... You *DON'T*!

Laura: Charlie... You're confused.

Charlie: I know exactly who he is.

Dr. Neil Miller: [firmly] Charlie... He is NOT Santa!

Charlie: [whining; desperate] HE IS TOO SANTA! We went up to the North Pole. I saw it! We met the Head Elf, Bernard. He knew everything!

[turns to Scott]

Charlie: Right, Dad?

Scott Calvin: [Scott looks unsure]

Charlie: [tossing him the snow globe Bernard gave him] REMEMBER!

Scott Calvin: Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?

Scott Calvin: Reindeer up on the roof... Santa suit laying on the ground... Guy fell... not my fault... Reindeer on the roof... THAT is hard to explain...

Charlie: It's the ladder.

[Scott turns and bumps into the ladder]

Scott Calvin: [referring to ladder] Where the hell this come from?

Lucy: Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?

Scott Calvin: What makes you say that?

Lucy: Because you have a reindeer.

Scott Calvin: Lots of people have reindeer.

Lucy: Name five.

Scott Calvin: [Going on a date] A needlepoint sweater and a mini-van. I'll be back in about eight minutes.

Scott Calvin: Wait a minute, I got it. I got it. I got it. How about this: The Molintator.

Tooth Fairy: The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator?

Scott Calvin: Neil, have you ever actually *helped* anyone?