Monte Quotes in Major League II (1994)

Harry Doyle: So a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score. Funny game ain't it Monty?

Monte: Well at least the bird survived.

Harry Doyle: Who cares? It's a rat with wings.

[Harry is drunk when he introduces the game]

Harry Doyle: Hello, Tribe fans, welcome to Major League Baseball... sort of. The attendance today is 14 hundred and 12. Most of them left after that 10 run inning the Red Sox put up. Take over Monty, I'm in the bag.

[head hits desk]

Monte: [as the outfielder catches the ball, the crowd is disappointed] Fly ball... Caught!

Harry Doyle: Rick Vaughn gets the starting call today. We're told he matured a lot over the winter. Apparently he's bathing now. Congratulations, Rick. As you know, Monte, Vaughn's been working on a couple of new pitches, the Eliminator and the Humilator, to complement his fastball, the Terminator.

Monte: I heard that.

Harry Doyle: Dynamite drop-in, Monte. That broadcast school has really paid off.

Harry Doyle: [Drinking whiskey, and sounding drunk] Hello, fans. Welcome back to major league baseball, sort of. Today's attendende is...

[Looks at his paper]

Harry Doyle: 1,214. Most of them left after the 10-run inning the red Sox put up, take over Monte, I'm in the bag.

[Passes out on the desk]

Monte: [Slightly excited] Me?

[Sees Cerrano hit a line drive]

Monte: Fly ball,

[sees the Red Sox right fielder catch the ball]

Monte: caught.

[Then, sees the Indians fight each other]

Monte: Hey, wake up.

Harry Doyle: What? My god. the Indians are showing signs of life in weeks.

[Willie and Rick are about to punch each other]

Harry Doyle: It seems that Willie Mays Hayes is trying to hit Vaughn, who blames him, everybody else in the league does.

[Rick tries to puch Willie , who ducks out of the way]

Harry Doyle: Vaughn is hanging his left a little low, this could hurt him in the later rounds.

Woman: Are you the Ethereal Lucy?

Monte: That's Lucy the Ethereal.

Woman: And who might you be?

Monte: Monte... the Emasculated.

Monte: AGGH! God, you're alive! I thought that rabbit was eating your head.

Veda: That's what I like about you, Ida. You're so delightfully provincial.

Ida: [Sarcastically] And I like you, too.

[to Monte]

Ida: Don't look now, Junior, but you're standing under a brick wall.

Monte: I don't get it.

Ida: You will - when it falls on you.

Mildred: That Ted Forrester's nice-looking, isn't he? Veda likes him.

Monte: Who wouldn't? He has a million dollars.

Monte: Oh, I wish I could get that interested in work.

Ida: You were probably frightened by a callus at an early age!

Monte: Drink?

Mildred: You drink too much.

Monte: I know, I do too much of everything. I'm spoiled.

Mildred: You've too many sisters... They all seem to be my size too.

Monte: I know, I like them your size.

[raises glass]

Monte: To brotherly love.

Monte: We weren't expecting you Mildred, obviously.

Veda: It's just as well you know. I'm glad you know.

Mildred: How long has this been going on?

Monte: In the Beragon family, there is an old Spanish proverb: One man's poison is another man's meat.