Michael Kellam Quotes in 3 Men and a Baby (1987)

Michael Kellam: [singing] Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye.

Peter Mitchell: [reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way] The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...

Michael Kellam: What are you reading her?

Peter Mitchell: [responding to Michael in same tone] It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?

Michael Kellam: She did a doodle; your turn to change her.

Peter: I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.

[Michael and Peter are changing Mary's diaper]

Michael Kellam: Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?

Michael Kellam: How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?

Peter: Beats the shit out of me.

Mrs. Hathaway: I love kids. Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.

Michael Kellam: Some guys have all the luck.

Peter: All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.

Michael Kellam: I don't know what babies eat.

Peter: Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?

Michael Kellam: I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!

Michael Kellam: Whoa, these diapers are way too big!

Peter: They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.

Peter Mitchell: Where'd you put the baby powder?

Michael Kellam: Down the hall, I'll get it.

Peter Mitchell: What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.

Michael Kellam: It's just down the hall!

Peter Mitchell: Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?

Michael Kellam: Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!

[Slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere]

Peter Mitchell: You're going to clean that up.

Peter: Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's... It's sticky and... We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off.

Michael Kellam: How about after shave?

Michael Kellam: There's been shit all over the place!

Vince: You mean the package burst?

Michael Kellam: [Thinking they meant the baby] Well yes, I guess you could say that.

Vince: Well did you put the shit back?

Michael Kellam: No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?

Peter Mitchell: How old is the baby?

Michael Kellam: I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?

Sgt. Malkowitz: Feels as though she's ready for a change.

Michael Kellam: I'll do it.

Peter Mitchell: Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop.

Michael Kellam: Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying! And she did a doodle.

Peter Mitchell: A doodle? What's that...? Oh, forget it. I don't want to know.

Michael Kellam: Well you're gonna know, Pal, 'cause she did it.

Michael Kellam: [Finding a baby on their doorstep] That's a baby.

Peter Mitchell: I know it's a baby. What is it doing there?

Michael Kellam: It's sleeping.

Peter Mitchell: Look at this.

[Peter hands Jack a news clipping]

Peter Mitchell: This is your friend Paul Milner! 'Don't let this happen to you!'

Jack Holden: 'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging'... they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that!

Peter Mitchell: I've had enough of this doo-doo!

Michael Kellam: I want to FINISH this, okay?

Michael Kellam: See this? This is a hairy chest. You want one of these?

Jack Holden: Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me! I'm bigger... and I've got more hair!

Peter: [reads note that came with Mary] "Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now..."

Jack Holden: [snatches note from Peter and reads] S-S-Sylvia?... Stratford! A year and a half... a year and a half ago. I did 'Taming of the Shrew'; she was the Shrew! I did some of my best work in that one... got great reviews!

Michael Kellam: Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself! I wanna kill you...

Peter: [holds Michael back] Don't worry, Michael, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary.

Jack Holden: But... uh... what am I supposed to do with it?

Peter: We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn.

Jack Holden: Okay... okay... I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard.

Michael Kellam: Goodnight, Jack.

Jack Holden: [as Mary begins to cry] Wait, what's wrong with her?

Peter, Michael Kellam: [walking back to bed] Goodnight, Jack.

Peter: Feel her teeth.

Michael Kellam: What?

Peter: The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.

Michael Kellam: I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!

[Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth]

Peter: I can't feel anything.

Michael Kellam: What does that mean?

Peter: It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!

Michael Kellam: Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?

Michael Kellam: [Peter is trying to unplug Mary's TV] Pete, are you listening to me?

Peter Mitchell: No, I'm electrocuting myself!

Peter Mitchell: Where are you gonna live?

Sylvia: London.

Jack Holden: London, England?

Michael Kellam: [Sarcastically] No, London, New Jersey.

Vera Bennington: [Michael and Peter come to a cocktail party in tuxedos] Has someone died?

Michael Kellam: Not yet.

Michael Kellam: [referring to Peter and Sylvia] I think they're really starting to hate each other.

Jack Holden: Don't kid yourself... I'm still in love with the first woman who hit me.

Peter Mitchell: The primary school is...

Peter Mitchell, Michael Kellam, Jack Holden: ...the first watershed in a child's life.

Peter Mitchell: Have I said that before?

Peter Mitchell: Not in the last five minutes, Pete.

Michael Kellam: [after Mary's penis comment at the restaurant] You're overreacting.

Peter Mitchell: Yeah, what's a genital here and there?

Michael Kellam: When I was at summer camp, I bunked with a kid who collected farts.

Michael Kellam: [Mrs. Bennington has just arrived] Couldn't you stay a little longer, Vera?

Peter Mitchell: I tried to change her mind.

Jack Holden: Did someone open a window in here? Burrr!

Sylvia: If you think about it, if Mary and I hadn't moved in a taken up a part of your live, you'd all be in very different situations right now.

Michael Kellam: We'd be married.

Peter Mitchell: We'd be divorced! You've saved us a fortune.

Michael Kellam: [Peter, Michael, and Jack are discussing potential suitors for Sylvia] What about Edward?

Peter Mitchell: He's English.

Michael Kellam: So is Sylvia!

Jack Holden: Oh, no, that's an actor/director thing. They never last.

Edward Hargreave: [to Sylvia, who's looking out a window] What's the matter, darling?

Sylvia: I'm concerned about Mary.

Edward Hargreave: Oh, she'll come around. You'll see.

Sylvia: And I'm nervous about tomorrow.

Edward Hargreave: Don't you want to get married?

Sylvia: Yes, of course I do. I think so. I mean... yes, yes I do. But why do you ask?

Edward Hargreave: Everything's going to be fine. I promise you...

Peter Mitchell: [Peter and Michael come rushing in] You sonofabitch! You're planning on sending Mary to that boarding school!

Edward Hargreave: What are you talking about!

Michael Kellam: We went to Pileforth this afternoon.

Peter Mitchell: He's planning to send Mary there!

Sylvia: In five or six years, that's a possibility, yes...

Peter Mitchell: No, not in five or six years. Next term.

Edward Hargreave: That's not true.

Peter Mitchell: He's lying to you.

Edward Hargreave: Rubbish.

Michael Kellam: Then why was Miss Lomax measuring Mary?

Sylvia: Was she?

Michael Kellam: For a uniform.

Edward Hargreave: A gift. She asked me if she could give Mary a blazer.

Peter Mitchell: Why?

Edward Hargreave: Because she said that with all the presents Sylvia and I were going to get, Mary might feel left out.

Sylvia: I think that's a very sweet thought.

Edward Hargreave: Yes, I thought so.

Peter Mitchell: What a crock!

Jack Holden: Do you want to marry me?

Peter Mitchell: Jack!

Jack Holden: [to Sylvia] Wanna sleep on it?

Michael Kellam: She did that once before, Jack!

Jack Holden: Hey, shut up!

[turns back to Sylvia]

Jack Holden: Do you want to marry me?

Sylvia: No... but thank you for asking.