Michael Dorsey Quotes in Tootsie (1982)

Michael Dorsey: Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?

George Fields: No, no, that's too limited... nobody in Hollywood wants to work with you either. I can't even set you up for a commercial. You played a *tomato* for 30 seconds - they went a half a day over schedule because you wouldn't sit down.

Michael Dorsey: Of course. It was illogical.

George Fields: YOU WERE A TOMATO. A tomato doesn't have logic. A tomato can't move.

Michael Dorsey: That's what I said. So if he can't move, how's he gonna sit down, George? I was a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me. I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. I did the best tomato, the best cucumber... I did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.

Julie: I miss Dorothy.

Michael Dorsey: You don't have to. She's right here. And she misses you. Look, you don't know me from Adam. But I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man. You know what I mean? I just gotta learn to do it without the dress. At this point, there might be an advantage to my wearing pants. The hard part's over, you know? We were already... good friends.

Sandy: Wish me luck.

Michael Dorsey: Fuck you.

Sandy: Thanks.

Michael Dorsey: Fuck you.

Michael Dorsey: Friends?

Sandy: No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only lovers.

Michael Dorsey: You should have seen the look on her face when she thought I was a lesbian.

George Fields: "Lesbian"? You just said gay.

Michael Dorsey: No, no, no - SANDY thinks I'm gay, JULIE thinks I'm a lesbian.

George Fields: I thought Dorothy was supposed to be straight?

Michael Dorsey: Dorothy IS straight. Tonight Les, the sweetest, nicest man in the world asked me to marry him.

George Fields: A guy named Les wants YOU to marry him?

Michael Dorsey: No, no, no - he wants to marry Dorothy.

George Fields: Does he know she's a lesbian?

Michael Dorsey: Dorothy's NOT a lesbian.

George Fields: I know that, does HE know that?

Michael Dorsey: Know WHAT?

George Fields: That, er, I... I don't know.

Michael Dorsey: [Sandy has seen Michael going into his apartment dressed as Dorothy, and she thinks this means he's having an affair with a woman] Sandy, I'm not having an affair with the woman who went into my apartment earlier, alright? It's impossible.

Michael Dorsey: I don't believe in hell. I believe in UNEMPLOYMENT, but not hell.

Michael Dorsey: You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role-playing, but the simple truth is, is that I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you.

Jeff: [Michael's half dressed as Dorothy, getting ready for a dinner with Julie] What do you mean you don't have anything to wear?

Michael Dorsey: She has seen me in all of these!

Jeff: She hasn't seen you in that white dress.

Michael Dorsey: What, this?

[holds up a formal white dress]

Jeff: Yeah.

Michael Dorsey: You cannot wear white to a casual dinner. It's too dressy.

Jeff: Can't you wear pants?

Michael Dorsey: Pants?

[pats the fake butt he's wearing then wags his finger No]

Jeff: What about this thing?

[holds up a striped dress]

Michael Dorsey: No. I don't have the right shoes for it, I don't like the way the horizontal lines make me look too hippy, and it cuts me across the bust.

Jeff: [slight pause] I think we're getting into a weird area here.

George Fields: You are psychotic!

Michael Dorsey: No, I'm not, I'm employed.

Ron Carlisle: You don't like me, do you? Now, I can respect that. There's not many women that I can't make like me. Why don't you like me?

Michael Dorsey: I don't like the way you treat Julie. I don't like the way you patronize her. I don't like the way you deceive her. I don't like the way you lie to her.

Ron Carlisle: What do you mean?

Michael Dorsey: You want me to go on?

Ron Carlisle: No, no. I know what you mean.

George Fields: Where do you come off sending me your roommate's play for you to star in? I'm your agent, not your mother! I'm not supposed to find plays for you to star in - I'm supposed to field offers! And that's what I do!

Michael Dorsey: 'Field offers?' Who told you that, the Agent Fairy? That was a significant piece of work - I could've been terrific in that part.

George Fields: Michael, nobody's gonna do that play.

Michael Dorsey: Why?

George Fields: Because it's a downer, that's why. Because nobody wants to produce a play about a couple that moved back to Love Canal.

Michael Dorsey: But that actually happened!

George Fields: WHO GIVES A SHIT? Nobody wants to pay twenty dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste! They can see that in New Jersey!

Michael Dorsey: [arguing after revealing he loves another woman] I never said I love you. You're one of the dearest friends I've ever had, but let's not pretend that we're something we're not, or we're gonna lose everything we have!

Sandy: I never said I love you, I don't care about I love you! I read "The Second Sex", I read "The Cinderella Complex", I'm responsible for my own orgasm, I don't care! I just don't like to be lied to!

Sandy: A guy named Les is sending you flowers?

Michael Dorsey: Yes. He's a friend of mine. He can't eat candy. He's diabetic.

Sandy: Why is he thanking you for a lovely night in front of the fire.

Michael Dorsey: [long pause] My minds a blank.

Sandy: Micheal, are you gay?

Michael Dorsey: In what sense?

George Fields: OK, I know this is going to disgust you, Michael, but a lot of people are in this business to make money.

Michael Dorsey: You make it out like I'm some flake, George. I am in this business to make money, too.

George Fields: Really?

Michael Dorsey: Yes!

George Fields: The Harlem Theatre for the Blind? Strindberg in the Park? The People's Workshop in Syracuse?

Michael Dorsey: OK, now wait a minute. I did nine plays in eight months up in Syracuse. I happened to get great reviews from the New York critics, not that that's why I did it.

George Fields: Oh, of course not. God forbid you should lose your standing as a cult failure.

Michael Dorsey: [fussing over selecting an outfit for dinner] This is our first date, I just want to look pretty for her.

Michael Dorsey: She thinks I'm gay, i told her about Julie and she thinks I'm gay!

George Fields: Julie thinks your gay?

Michael Dorsey: No, my friend Sandy.

George Fields: Sleep with her, and she'll...

Michael Dorsey: I slept with her once she's still thinks I'm gay!

George Fields: Oh... thats no good, Michael.

Michael Dorsey: You're worried about the audition tomorrow, aren't you?

Sandy: No I'm not worried about that audition.

Michael Dorsey: Why? Why are you so worried?

Sandy: Because I'm not gonna get it, I'm not gonna get it, because I'm completely wrong for it

Michael Dorsey: Why, what kind of a part is it?

Sandy: [pause] A *WOMAN*!

Les: [after falling for Dorothy, he discovers she's a man] Why'd you do it?

Michael Dorsey: I needed the work.

Les: The only reason you're still breathing is because I never kissed you.