Max Jerry Horovitz Quotes in Mary and Max (2009)

Max Jerry Horovitz: When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore, so he just sits in the corner and reads.

Max Jerry Horovitz: The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect. And so am I. All humans are imperfect.

Max Jerry Horovitz: [to Mary] You are my best friend. You are my only friend.

Max Jerry Horovitz: [in letter to Mary] I cannot understand how being honest can be considered improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Butts are bad because they wash out to sea, and fish smoke them and become nicotine-dependent.

Max Jerry Horovitz: I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God 'cause it answers difficult questions, like where did the universe came from, do worms go to heaven and why do old ladies have blue hair. And even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm.

Max Jerry Horovitz: People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.

Max Jerry Horovitz: [to Mary] Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said if I was on a desert island, then I would have to get used to my own company - just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are part of us and we have to live with them. We can, however, choose our friends, and I am glad I have chosen you.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win, and Ivy's death.

Max Jerry Horovitz: I have also invented some new words. "Confuzzled", which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, "snirt", which is a cross between snow and dirt, and "smushables", which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to include my words but I have not heard back.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Tell Bernie Clifford your birth mark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie, I do not like lies, but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but of course I can not, because of my Atheism.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Do you have a favourite-sounding word? My top-five are "ointment," "bumblebee," "Vladivostok," "banana," and "testicle."

Max Jerry Horovitz: It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody.

Max Jerry Horovitz: Dear Mary, please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you.

Max Jerry Horovitz: My 5th job was a garbage collector. I cleaned up after litter bugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. Sometimes I liked to pretend I was an intergalactic robot.

Max Jerry Horovitz: [in letter to Mary] Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr. Bernard Hasselhoff told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator, and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head, but not all at once.

Max Jerry Horovitz: [to Mary] Have you ever been a communist? Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird?