Mr. Garrison Quotes in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Mr. Garrison: ...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Mr. Garrison: What is five times two?

[No response from the class]

Mr. Garrison: Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.

[Clive raises his hand]

Clive: Twelve.

Mr. Garrison: OK, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: Fuck!

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[the whole class gasps]

Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?

Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

[Cartman picks up a megaphone]

Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?

[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Mr. Garrison: I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.

Mr. Garrison: All the Baldwins are dead!

Mr. Garrison: Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Cartman: [Realizing he still has Mr. Hat] Why the hell am I still holding this thing for?

[Throws him away]

Mr. Garrison: [From off screen] Mr. Hat, no!