Cartman Quotes in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!

[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]

Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!

Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!

[shocks Saddam]

Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: Dog-shit taco!

Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!

Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!

Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

[Finishing his "Kyle's Mom" song]

Cartman: Kyle's Mom... She's a big, fat, fuckin' BIIIIIIIIITCH! Who's a fuckin' bitch? Kyle's Mooooooooom! Yeah!

[Notices Kyle's mom standing behind him]

Cartman: Oh fuck.

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]

Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!

Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?

Cartman: Oh, very funny!

Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!

Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!

Cartman: SON OF A BI...

[shocks]

Cartman: AHHH!

Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.

Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!

Ike: Bullshit.

Stan: What's she doing now?

German: Essen meine scheisse.

Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!

Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!

Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!

[Kyle clicks it off]

Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: Fuck!

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[the whole class gasps]

Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?

Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

[Cartman picks up a megaphone]

Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?

[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

[Kenny has just died in the hospital]

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.

Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.

Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...

Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.

Cartman: Well...

Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.

Cartman: Well...

Kyle: I'm warning you!

Cartman: Okay, okay.

Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...

[gasps]

Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.

[sings the song in four different languages]

Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]

Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!

Stan: Uh, Cartman?

Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!

[the children stare at Cartman]

Cartman: What?

[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]

Cartman: Oh... Fuck!

Cartman: Hey dudes!

Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?

Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words

Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?

Cartman: No!

Kyle: And you can't say Shit?

Cartman: No!

Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?

Cartman: FUCK YOU!

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: AHHH!

Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Cartman: Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.

[to Cartman]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".

Cartman: Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".

Cartman: Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".

Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.

Cartman: Horse fu...

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!

[gets shocked again]

Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".

Cartman: No!

Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...

[gets shocked repeatedly]

[singing]

Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!

Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!

Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.

Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.

Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[intermission]

Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!

Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wedensday and Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super king kamehameha bee-utch. / Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a big big big big big big bitch. / Bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's such a stupid bitch./Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!

[sings in mock foreign languages]

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.

Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]

Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!

Ticket Taker: Hey!

Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!

Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.

Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.

[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]

Stan: Holy shit, dude!

Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!

[begins beating Kenny with a stick]

Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!

[he steps back and the stick lights up]

Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!

[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!

[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]

Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?

[short pause]

Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.

Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

Cartman: See, it doesn't hurt anyone! Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Mr. Mackey: I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrence & Phillip.

Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.

Mrs. Cartman: Eric!

Cartman: I'm sorry I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.

Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.

everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!

everyone: Mountain... town!

The Mole: You MUST shut of the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs!

Cartman: Yeah, I heard you the first time you British piece of shit.

[gets shocked by the V-chip]

Cartman: Owww!

Cartman: It was the Terrence & Phillip movie.

Kyle: Dude!

Cartman: What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here.

Cartman: Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?

[pause]

Cartman: [yells] I said, who wants to fuckin' touch me?

[Shelia Brovlovski is speaking on national television about war against Canada]

Sheila Broflovski: ...if it's war they want, it's war they'll have!

Cartman: This is fucking weak...

[the Mole ordered Cartman to disable the army camp alarms, but to his surprise the alarms sound when he tries to rescue Terrance and Phillip and he gets set upon by a pack of wild guard dogs, which he manages to escape from]

The Mole: [Bloody & mortally injured] Ze alarms, they went off?

Cartman: [Casually] Oh that was my bad, sorry.

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman: Hey Stan, tell them about the part where Terrence calls Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart.

[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]

Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!

Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

Ticket Taker: Hey wait a minute, where is your guardian?

Cartman: What?

Ticket Taker: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in. Didn't you?

Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater.

Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?

Kyle: The what?

Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Cartman: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

[Stan is staring at Wendy]

Cartman: Hey, you're holding up the god damn lunch line!

Cartman: [mocking the mole] Shut of ze power Cartman, zis is very important Cartman.

[Kenny has just appeared for the second time]

Cartman: [not cursing to avoid getting shocked by V-chip] Son of a gun! Heck!

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey: What?

Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?

Stan: Yeah!

Cartman: Hey Stan! Tell them about the part where Terrance called Phillip a "testicle-shitting rectal wart!"

Cartman: [after seeing Kenny's ghost] Mom I saw him, I saw Kenny!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much.

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off

[gets shocked]

Cartman: damn I can't say "pissed off" either!

[gets shocked again]

Cartman: [Realizing he still has Mr. Hat] Why the hell am I still holding this thing for?

[Throws him away]

Mr. Garrison: [From off screen] Mr. Hat, no!

Kyle: You don't think they're really going to kill Terrence and Phillip, do you?

Cartman: Kyle you need to stop being such a chicken shit and stand up to your mother!, you need to smack her in the face and say that's enough of your shit you fucking bitch!

Sheila Broflovski: Kyle you are grounded for two weeks.

Sharon Marsh: You too Stan.

Mrs. Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks Eric.

Cartman: Hey! Why am I grounded more that's fuckin' bullshit!

Mrs. Cartman: What, what, what? What was that word young man?

Stan: Hey you guys I found the clitoris. I think I can get Wendy to like me again.

Cartman: Yeah I guess all's well that end's well. We can go home now. You dipshit!

Cartman: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.

Kyle: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about? You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!

Cartman: Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.

Cartman: You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman: No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.

Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!

Cartman: Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!

Chef: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?

Cartman: It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

Terrence: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

Phillip: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!

Cartman: Wow! 'Shitfaced cockmaster'.