Martland Quotes in Mortdecai (2015)

Martland: The fact that you're as drunk as a fiddler's bitch in no way obviates the fact that you very nearly caused an international incident. A man your age has no excuse for looking or behaving like a fugitive from a home for alcoholic music hall artistes.

Mortdecai: I will have you know that I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference.

Martland: [to Mortdecai] What is that infernal thing on your lip?

Mortdecai: [upon viewing a murder victim] Ugh. I think this women has need of a chiropractor.

Martland: Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer. Did you know here?

Mortdecai: Slightly. I do recall a vague memory of her having once, involuntarily, one would hope, releasing a fart of such frightening power and timbre that I feared she had done herself a horrible mischief.

Martland: Can you think of a good reason why I shouldn't arrest you right now?

Mortdecai: I eschew discomfort?