Jonathan Steinbloom Quotes in A Mighty Wind (2003)

Jonathan Steinbloom: [referring to his mother] You could say she was overly protective - I just like to think she cared about me, which she did, a lot. And I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet, I had to wear a football helmet. Now who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something, I don't know.

Lawrence E. Turpin: All right, here's your giant banjo...

Jonathan Steinbloom: Um-hmm. It's very flat.

Lawrence E. Turpin: Well, it doesn't look flat from in the audience.

Jonathan Steinbloom: It has basically, no dimension to it.

Lawrence E. Turpin: Well, it's painted to look three dimensional. If you go back there, trust me...

Jonathan Steinbloom: But it's not painted on the back. I'm looking at the back right now. Will you look with me for a minute?

Lawrence E. Turpin: Why would it be... From the audience it's gonna look perfectly fine. And it looks three dimensional. Just go out there and take a peek.

Jonathan Steinbloom: Well, is this the real furniture or is this the rehearsal furniture?

Lawrence E. Turpin: Well, A it's not called furniture. It's a set.

Jonathan Steinbloom: Uh-huhh...

Lawrence E. Turpin: And it's painted this way. It looks completely three dimensional from the audience, if you just go out that way, Mr. Steinbloom.

Jonathan Steinbloom: So this is the real furniture, and this is... Is this an actual street lamp?

Lawrence E. Turpin: I'm sure it was at one time.

Jonathan Steinbloom: Can you have an actual three dimensional object that represents the thing that it actually is, can that be next to something that it's pretending to be? Would that be okay?

Lawrence E. Turpin: Yes, it's perfectly fine. You know, I really don't have time to explain Stagecraft 101. This show starts in an hour. Now, every... everything is exactly the way you...

Jonathan Steinbloom: And what are tho... what's tha... that... Those are lights hanging up there?

Lawrence E. Turpin: Yes, those are lights...

Jonathan Steinbloom: Could they fall?

Lawrence E. Turpin: ...and that's a ceiling above us!

Jonathan Steinbloom: But they look shaky.

Lawrence E. Turpin: No, they're not shaky, they're perfectly...

Jonathan Steinbloom: Is that wire? I see a wire. I see a...

[Lawrence smacks him on the head]

Jonathan Steinbloom: Oww!

Jonathan Steinbloom: [Hosting "An Ode To Irving"] And now please join me in welcoming our next three talented performers. Taken alone, they are Jerry Palter, Alan Barrows and Mark Shubb... but when you put them all together, they spell "absolutely fantastic".

Jonathan Steinbloom: Before we begin tonight's performance I would like to make a brief announcement. I'd like to warn you that some of the floral arrangements at tonight's performance have dangerously low hanging vines and may be poisonous. So please, whatever you do, don't eat 'em and don't become entangled in them or trip, please.

Jonathan Steinbloom: [Mitch has disappeared] Would you consider doing both parts?

Mickey: No, I'd consider going home, making a nice tray of nanaimo bars, lying in bed and watching TV - that's what I like doing.