Jessie Montgomery Quotes in Maid to Order (1987)

Jessie Montgomery: I did not spend six years in junior college to be a maid.

Stella Winston: You're a spoiled, silly, boring, insignificant little twit.

Jessie Montgomery: Hey! Who are you calling boring?

Jessie Montgomery: Please let me take it in Maria. Please!

Maria: She told me to take it in.

Jessie Montgomery: Well what difference does it make?

Maria: The difference is if you screw up, then my ass is grass and she's the lawnmower!

[Jessie brings Stan his laundry]

Stan Starkey: What the... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WRINKLED SUIT?

Jessie Montgomery: I pressed it.

Stan Starkey: I know, but you're not supposed to press it! It's a wrinkled suit! I BOUGHT it wrinkled! It's a Georgio Armani WRINKLE! Wrinkles are IN! It's the 80's, kiddo; wake up! I can't believe this! My Georgio Armani, PRESSED!

Jessie Montgomery: [after being arrested for driving under the influence AND carrying drugs, AND trying to bribe the cops who took her in, Jessie is sharing a cell with a hooker who's loudly filing her nails] ... Would you mind not doing that? I'm kinda bummed and I have a headache.

Hooker in Jail: And what are you in for?

Jessie Montgomery: I don't remember.

Hooker in Jail: Figures.

Jessie Montgomery: God, when this hits the papers... my poor father... He's a philanthropist.

Hooker in Jail: Is he serving time too?

Jessie Montgomery: No a philanthropist is... Never mind. So what are YOU in for?

Hooker in Jail: [sarcastic] ... Jaywalking.

Jessie Montgomery: Hey, I bruise easily, okay!

Stella Winston: You're a real peach, aren't ya?

Jessie Montgomery: You're a witch!

Stella Winston: I'm perfectly harmless!

Jessie Montgomery: That's what they said about asbestos!

Jessie Montgomery: But, Dad, please! I'm zeroed out.

Charles Montgomery: I gave you $200.00.

Jessie Montgomery: Well, it's ancient history!

Charles Montgomery: I believe it was lunch time.

Stella Winston: [at the door of Jessie's jail cell] Rise and shine, doll.

Jessie Montgomery: Who are you?

Stella Winston: I'm your fairy godmother.

Jessie Montgomery: The nightmare continues...!

Jessie Montgomery: Some fairy godmother you are! I thought you guys were supposed to turn maids into princesses, and shit like that.

Stella Winston: Some maids deserve to be princesses. Some princesses deserve to be maids.

Jessie Montgomery: Please wait! Help me! I... I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be boring. I don't want to be alone. Help me, fairy godmother, please!

Charles Montgomery: [after discovering her receipt] ... $908 for a one-night bar tab?

Jessie Montgomery: I can explain.

Charles Montgomery: ...All right, go ahead.

Jessie Montgomery: Daddy, there were these homeless people - a dozen of them - I took them dancing, and...

Charles Montgomery: [shakes his head, clearly not believing a word] Why me...? I thought, if I gave you everything you wanted, it might make up for your mother's death... I succeeded only in spoiling you, like a month-old yeast.

Jessie Montgomery: Daddy - Is it true Aunt Mildred's a lesbian?

Charles Montgomery: [lets out a deep breath] You are *completely* lacking in character.

Jessie Montgomery: I know it. I'm sorry.

Charles Montgomery: No, you're not.

Jessie Montgomery: No, seriously, I am... Come on, Daddy-waddy-kins... let's kiss and make up, like we used to...

Charles Montgomery: That isn't going to do you any good, Jess. You've got to make something of yourself; you're not a kid anymore... I'm very disappointed in you.

Jessie Montgomery: Join the club, Pops.

Georgette Starkey: [Early morning; Jessie is preparing to mop the Starkeys' floor] Jessie...! I like to get this floor *really* shiny. So, in order to get it *completely* clean, it becomes necessary to get down on your hands and knees - and to scrub every little square inch by hand. No mop... Questions?

Jessie Montgomery: Yeah. When's lunch?

Georgette Starkey: For the help? There *is* no lunch, until and unless the work is done.

Jessie Montgomery: [DELETED LINE - hours later, almost noon. Jessie is nearly finished scrubbing the floor by hand; it looks terrific] ... Okay, last leg. Thank God she didn't ask me to use a toothbrush.

Georgette Starkey: [DELETED LINE... she charges in, carrying - what else? - a toothbrush] *Jessie!* I *apologize;* I forgot to tell you to use... Oh, are you finished already?

Jessie Montgomery: [DELETED LINE - scrubbing the last square foot] Just.

Georgette Starkey: [DELETED LINE - handing her the toothbrush] Well, that's okay; just start all over again. Bye now, I'm off...!

[Jessie glares incredulously at the toothbrush. Then she kicks over the bucket of soapy water she's been using and, flustered, proceeds to toothbrush the entire floor]