Hutch Quotes in Suburban Commando (1991)

Hutch: [in a kids voice] You're a dead man, Ramsey.

Shep Ramsey: No wonder you guys don't talk.

[last lines]

Eric: Hey guys.

Windows: What?

Hutch: What, man?

Eric: What if the movie sucks?

Windows: You guys both got to stop perpetuating this myth that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass. All right? He has a jet pack. So did the Rocketeer. Really cool. When it comes time for battle, the man's Michael Bay - all style, no substance.

Hutch: If you diss the Fett the again, I will corn-hole you with a lightsaber!

Hutch: Nobody calls Han Solo a bitch!

Hutch: What's the Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin"?

Admiral Seasholtz: [Replies in fluent Klingon]

Hutch: You gotta find your Death Star.

Eric: Okay, I'll bite.

Hutch: Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did was take down the Death Star, right? As far as I'm concerned, that's what everybody needs. You need that one bad-ass thing that lets you live on forever, you know.

[repeated line]

Hutch: You want to take your shirt off.

Eric: [hands him a vacuum cleaner] Your mom said clean up this shit-hole or no grilled cheese for a week?

Hutch: [sticks his head out on the door] That's emotional blackmail, and you know it!

Hutch: Rule number one: In my van, it's Rush. All Rush, all the time. No exceptions. Rule number two: Nobody touch the red button. And I mean never touch the red button. Most importantly, rule number three: There's no jerking it in my van!

Windows: [throwing up his hands] Fine...

Hutch: [amid laughter] Don't roll your eyes at ME, Admiral Jackbar!

Windows: Stop humping. Please stop humping. Just high five.

Hutch: Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.

Zoe: You might wanna hit the showers. 'Cause you smell like something shit *in* my nose.

Hutch: Yes, Your Highnessness.

[Hutch takes off his t-shirt]

Zoe: Ew! What in god's name is living on your chest? It looks like you fell on ALF.

Linus: Official Episode 1 countdown is six months, 12 days, eight hours and some change.

Windows: I would sell my soul to see that movie right here right now.

Hutch: Dude, I would sell my left nut. And I only have the one nut. So you see how serious I am?

Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Hilarious, everyone. Looks like we got more Lucas hounds here to mock Roddenberry. Congratulations, gentleman, but I would like to see your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone. And we'll see who's laughing then. Am I right?

Windows: Darth Vader can put the entire Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.

Admiral Seasholtz: Uh, Darth Vader has asthma, so name me one Star Trek character with a respiratory disease, 'cause I'm drawing a blank.

Linus: Name me one Star Wars character who's gay.

Hutch: Beside's you.

Admiral Seasholtz: Well, no one's gay in Star Trek, so why would I even do that?

Linus: Captain Picard.

Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Captain Picard is not gay. He's British.

Windows: [in a swishy voice] Come on. "Make it so!"

[waking the guys up to show them they're in Iowa]

Hutch: Wakey, wakey, hands off steakey.

[after having landed in the garbage disposal room]

Windows: I have a bad feeling about this.

Hutch: Um, you guys don't think that the, um...

Linus: We are in George Lucas' trash room.

Eric: Don't be ridiculous, okay? The walls are not gonna close in on us.

[the walls begin to move in]

Zoe: Asshole. You have been trying that Jedi mind shit on me since the eighth grade. It doesn't work.

Hutch: Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.

Zoe: He's been geeking out with Rogue Leader all morning. Nothing can tear him away.

[lifts her sweater, exposing her breasts to Windows who is on the Internet on his laptop, not looking up]

Zoe: Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air on my naked breasts.

Hutch: Oh, ho-ho!

Zoe: See that? Man's immune to sweater yams.

Hutch: What about me? I like sweater yams!

Windows: I met her in a Jedi chatroom. The woman is perfect. She's intelligent and acerbic, and a die-hard fan. She's even got connections inside the Lucas camp.

Linus: Who's also got a man package and a goatee.

Windows: You guys are all just jealous because she describes herself as a cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Janeane Garafolo.

Hutch: Tell 'em how you described yourself.

Windows: I was perfectly honest with her.

Linus: You said you look like a white Billy Dee Williams. You called yourself white chocolate.

Windows: I *am* white chocolate.

[Hutch subdues a Trekkie in a fight]

Hutch: Nighty-night, Spock-sucker.

[after seeing his van repaired]

Hutch: Ha ha! The Buce is back!

Chaz: [to Hutch and Windows] Holy shit. If it ain't C-3Penis Face and R2-Dickhead.

Hutch: What did you just say, you giant bastard?

Admiral Seasholtz: Just take a look-see here.

Hutch: What's with the man-purse?

Admiral Seasholtz: Yep. As I thought, scanner reads "douche bag."

Hutch: I'm telling you, man. I took that Vulcan down hard. I rolled him into the dirt like he was my frickin tauntaun.

Eric: Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me, you guys would all be dead.

Windows: What fight were you watching? I was channeling the emperor.

Linus: The emperor? I don't remember the emperor crapping his robe and screaming "time-out."

Eric: Oh, my God. That's right.

Windows: There is such a thing as time-out.

Hutch: [imitating The Emperor] I can feel your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.

Hutch: What the hell are you doing, man? You're poking me.

Windows: Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay? It's just my R2. My lucky R2.

Hutch: Man, you wish you had the height and girth of D2.

Head Of Security: By the time y'all walk away from this your face are gonna be shrunken and shriveled...

[walks up to Hutch]

Head Of Security: ...just like your one nut.

Hutch: What? How can he possibly know that?

Head Of Security: Oh, we know about your uniball. We know everything, Mr. Harold Hutchinson, aka Hutch. Son of Gloria. Humongous Rush fan.

Hutch: Dude, you're freaking me out. How do you know this?

Head Of Security: Because you have a Rush shirt on, dipshit.

[first lines]

Hutch: [as Stormtrooper] Halloween just got awesome, bitches!

Linus: [as Stormtrooper] Prepare for the entrance of Lord Vader.

Windows: [as Darth Vader] Give yourself to the Dark Side. It's the only way you can save your...

Hutch: Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today, all right? Follow my lead.

Windows: Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. You wanna just talk to them?

Hutch: Yeah. It's called having balls.

Zoe: Or in your case, one ball.

[after seeing the two hot escorts]

Hutch: I'd like to knock the nickels out of that pussy!

Zoe: All right everybody, shut up!

Hutch: Oh!

Zoe: I swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames. I'll do it.

Zoe: All right, everybody, shut up! Swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames! I'll do it.

THX Security Guard #4: Go ahead, burn it.

Zoe: I will.

THX Security Guard #4: Yeah, burn it.

Hutch: Guys, nobody wants this.

Zoe: I will.

THX Security Guard #4: [Mimicking Yoda's voice] Burn it, burn it.

Zoe: I'm gonna.

THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.

Zoe: That's what I said.

THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.

Zoe: I said it.

THX Security Guard #4: Good, I was always more of a Star Trek fan anyway.

Zoe: Oh...

Hutch: These Trekkies are everywhere.

Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?

Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet dude, it fries their brain cells.

Hutch: I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up.

Van Wilder: Sounds good.

Gwen: Is Van here?

Hutch: He don't want to see you.

Gwen: Excuse me?

Hutch: Look. Why don't you just leave him alone?

Sick Boy: Home-wrecker.

Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?

Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.

Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.

[Hutch starts coughing and gagging]

Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?

[Taj nods his head]

Hutch: Oh damn!

Law Club Member: It's ridicoulous, it's preposterous, it's ludicrous... By God it's impetuous!

Hutch: So does that mean you gonna help us?

Law Club Member: Oh it's on!

Starsky: [in a deep Brooklyn-ish accent to prepare for a disguise] Hey, do me a favor, tip your hat forward. Just tilt it forward. C'mon.

Hutch: No, I like it where it is.

Starsky: No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.

Hutch: Will you... will you stop with that. That voice makes you sound crazy.

Starsky: It does not make me sound crazy, it makes me sound like "Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Fixtures, Biggest Lighting Fixture Chain in the Southland."

Hutch: Ohhhh, it's a little voice and a character. You got a whole back story. That's good.

Starsky: Yeah, little touches, ya know, little touches, little details. Ya wanna make the character full, real.

Huggy Bear: Look here, Hutch, you gon' have to lay up off this juice. You done had too much to drink.

Hutch: Come on! I feel like a million bucks. I'm just laughing, having a good time.

Huggy Bear: Look man, it ain't even funny no more. There used to be a time around here when you peed on the wall, you did it outside.

Hutch: Lighten up! It's Friday night. Okay, it's a bar.

Huggy Bear: Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon man. Snap out of it.

Hutch: Okay, let me ask you a question, which one do you want cause we're gonna stick to this?

Starsky: I've always had a thing for blondes.

Hutch: Good, cause I'll take anything.

Starsky: [Heather takes off her top and bottoms] So, did you uh... When did he... Did he... What... So Hutch do you got any more questions?

Hutch: Yeah, well, uh sure. We could... What's your sign?

Heather: Gemini.

Starsky: What uh... What do you weigh?

Heather: What does that have to do with anything?

Starsky: It has everything to do with anything and just answer the question please, ma'am.

Heather: Around 115 I guess, give or take. I wish I could be more helpful.

Hutch: Stop. Don't do that. You've been great. It's been terrific.

Heather: Anything else?

Starsky: I'm good.

Hutch: Yeah.

Starsky: Yeah.

Hutch: Thank you so much.

Huggy Bear: Hutch, you'll have the usual?

Hutch: You know it and make it a double.

Huggy Bear: Leon, get my a man a jack and tab. And double that.

Leon: You got it boss.

Starsky: Hey, I'll get a seltzer with a little lime if you got it.

Huggy Bear: I don't got it.

Starsky: Or not. That's cool. I'm good.

Hutch: You gotta be kidding me. No way!

Starsky: What?

Hutch: A floater. Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out and hope the current pushes it down to the next precinct.

[Hutch tries to push the body away with a stick]

Starsky: Whoa, what are you doing?

Hutch: Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one.

Starsky: Hey, seriously stop it.

Hutch: The key is not to pop it. You gotta be very ginger.

Starsky: Hey!

[Starsky points a gun at Hutch]

Hutch: What are you doing?

Starsky: I said drop the stick.

Hutch: You're gonna point a gun at me? Okay, fine, have it your way. If it's so important knock yourself out. What are you gonna solve anyway?

Starsky: A murder. I'm gonna solve a murder.

Hutch: What else can you tell me about the guys that hired you?

Chau: Not much. Couple of whiteys. Nice suits. They pay. I do job.

Hutch: What'd they look like?

Chau: I don't know. They're white. All you guys look alike to me.

Hutch: That's funny. All you guys look alike to us.

Waitress: Hi, can I get you two a drink?

Starsky: You sure can sweetheart. Johnnie Red neat, ok, do it, Do It.

Waitress: Alright, and you?

Hutch: Do it, Bacardi and cola, do it, do it.

Waitress: Ok? I'll be right back.

Starsky: What are you doing?

Hutch: What?

Starsky: What was that? You just stole my voice.

Hutch: No, I didn't.

Starsky: Yes, you did. You got to come up with your own voice, ok, that's my thing.

Hutch: What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.

Starsky: You come up with your own character. That's why you're the Texas oil tycoon guy...

Kevin: Tonight's second winner: Number 1-1-7.

Monix: Right on! Yeah!

Hutch: Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much.

Starsky: Sit now. Do it.

[Huffs]

Starsky: Do it!

Hutch: The big man has just hit the mother lode! Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! Unbelievable!

Starsky: [as Finkle] This is incredible.

Hutch: I'm a rich man, and I'm gonna kiss you!

Hutch: [pointing at Starsky] I like your style.

David Starsky: [pointing at Hutch] I like your moves.

Hutch: Go to sleep tiny dancer.

Starsky: Like you said, Feldman: Everybody deserves a second chance.

[Starsky fires at the front trunk of a Volkswagen]

Hutch: Whoa, what have we here? Does this look familiar? Some cocaine. Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab and have it analyzed this time...

Starsky: [Reese grabs Hutch; puts a gun to Hutch's neck] Hutch!

Reese Feldman: Alright, freeze! Alright, everybody freeze! Put your hands where I can see them! Do it now!

Kevin: Put it down!

Captain Doby: You relax pal. Relax!

Kevin: Let's do it!

Reese Feldman: Put that gun down or I'm gonna kill your friend right here. Do it now!

Kevin: What the hell are we doing?

Reese Feldman: Do it now! Put it down!

Hutch: [waiting outside Huggy's club] What, you've never run an errand on the clock before?

Starsky: No, I happen to take care of my personal business after work. When the taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them.

Hutch: Give me a break. You've never stopped and bought yourself a cup of coffee?

Starsky: I bring a thermos.

Hutch: [after seeing the Grand Torino] Whoa! Your stock just went up in my book, my friend. Pop the hood, let me see what you got under...

Starsky: Hey! Hotshot! What do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Grand Torino. It's not some crappy camper slash apartment. There are rules.

Hutch: Okay, okay.

Starsky: You do not bang on the hood. You never under any circumstances drive. And you will certainly not put your coffee mug on the roof of the car. In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.

Hutch: Look at all these cops. You really want to eat here?

Starsky: It's a great place. Pop's? Come on. If you're one of the cops you eat at Pop's.

Hutch: What do you hear on the street these days, Huggy?

Huggy Bear: Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City. One for the Guinness books. So they say.

Starsky: Interesting. Who would this little bird be?

Huggy Bear: Look man. I lay it out for y'all to play it out.

Starsky: All right. What does that mean?

Hutch: Don't worry about it.

Big Earl: [Starsky tries to bribe Big Earl] I'll tell you what, I do like your blonde friend here. Let me see your belly button.

Hutch: No. Let's go.

[hangs up the phone]

Starsky: Hold on a second. The guy's obviously a freak. Just show him a little skin. Show him your stomach. Nobody's here.

Big Earl: Are we cool?

Starsky: Yes, we're cool.

Big Earl: [Hutch shows his stomach] Oh, eureka. God, that's nice. It's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it. I got one too. I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.

Starsky: Hey, Hutch, I beat that guy. What was that about?

Hutch: Sure you did. You won.

Starsky: You saw.

Hutch: You won. You danced your heart out.

Starsky: And everybody saw it.

Hutch: Shhh. Go to sleep.

Starsky: I was robbed.

Hutch: I know. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, tiny dancer.

Hutch: We owe you one Huggy.

Huggy Bear: No, you're gonna owe me more than one, man.

Hutch: Well, let's slow down with the score keeping, I may have to start remembering some of the things I've overlooked in the past and mention them to my partner. How'd that be?

Starsky: Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it.

Reese Feldman: Listen, jackass. You either give me a ticket, or get the hell off this stage, you dig that?

[Starsky point his gun to Reese]

Reese Feldman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Starsky: Pop the trunk, Candyman.

Hutch: You heard him. Pop it!

Captain Doby: What the hell are you two doing?

Starsky: Pop IT!

Starsky: Wrong answer, Big Earl.

Bartender: Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl, I'm Jeff.

Hutch: Yeah, sure, no-one's who they say they are.

Bartender: Seriously. Think about it, I'm not even big.

Hutch: Yeah, he's got a point.

Starsky: Maybe it's one of those ironic names like Tiny over in vice. He's like eight feet tall and everyone calls him Tiny.

Hutch: Except this guy's kind of normal size, he'd have to be a lot smaller for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.

Starsky: You don't have to be a midget, how tall are you?

Bartender: I don't know, 5'9"?

Starsky: Well that is kind of?

Hutch: It's borderline, it's average.

Hutch: I've always had this theory about police work. If you can't beat 'em? join 'em! Besides, a lot of cops worry about the wrong thing - crime. Not me though. I'm looking out for numero uno.

Hutch: Hey, there he is.

Willis: How's life at the clink treating you?

Hutch: Not great. I got this new tight-assed partner they stuck me with, but hopefully it won't last too long.

Willis: So, you got that $20 you owe me?

Hutch: 20? Willis, I thought it was 5!

Willis: Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money.

Hutch: Come on, ease up, I just told you things aren't going great for me down at the precinct, you know, just back off a little. Can I get it to you on Thursday?

Willis: No later than Thursday.

Hutch: No later than Thursday.

Hutch: Willis, I'd like you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.

Starsky: Hi Willis.

Willis: [to Hutch] Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?

Hutch: Just shake his hand.

Hutch: [drunk in Huggy's bar, talking to another customer] Ruin me! He didn't care if he got ruined, that was the whole point of the episode.

Hutch: Hey Reese, this is a nice boat, is it yours?

Reese Feldman: Actually, that's a yacht.

Hutch: Oh, I'm sorry, a yacht.

Starsky: Hutch, can we please focus on the investigation?

Hutch: [Reading Starsky's report on him] "cavorting with nefarious characters". "conduct unbecoming an officer".

Starsky: Come on. I wrote that thing two weeks ago, things are totally cool with us now.

Hutch: Did you go through my locker?

Starsky: No.

Hutch: You went through my locker.

Starsky: I mean, I may have looked through it while it was open but...

Hutch: If you've got a problem with someone you tell it to their face, you come to them as a man. You don't go behind their back, write a thesis and try to get transferred to another precinct.

Captain Doby: I believe you two know each other?

Starsky: Yeah, a little bit.

Hutch: How you doing?

Starsky: All right.

Starsky: It's 10 o'clock, you're late; I've been here since 8.

Hutch: 8 o'clock? I didn't even know this place opened at 8.

Starsky: Well, don't sweat it, 'cause ya know what? Crime called in sick, it's gonna get a late start too.

Hutch: Crime called in sick, I like that...

[Starsky and Hutch are in the Captain's office]

Captain Doby: You've robbed 7 bookies over the past 6 months. You haven't filed a report, turned in any money; you haven't even arrested anybody.

Hutch: How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop.

Starsky: Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you're in any danger for being mistaken for a real cop.

Hutch: Oh really? Hey, why don't you do me a favor and go get yourself another perm and let the grown-ups talk.

Starsky: For your information, my hair is naturally curly.

Hutch: No it's not.

Starsky: Yes it is.

Hutch: That's a perm job all the way.

Starsky: TOUCH IT.

[Hutch touches Starsky's hair]

Captain Doby: Hey. Why are you touching him? Jesus. You know something? You two deserve each other. Make nice. You two are partners.

Hutch: [ducking] That ain't a kid, it's a tiny little man... And he's got knives. Goddamn.

[Huggy is trying to convince Hutch to forgive Starsky]

Huggy Bear: Dig this man. Someone once said: "To err is human, to forgive divine."

Hutch: Tch. What idiot said that?

Huggy Bear: I believe that was God - the greatest mack of all.

[undercover as bikers]

Hutch: Hey, how you doing? I'm Kansas and this is my little man, Toto.

[points to Starsky]

Hutch: Are you crying?

Starsky: Hmm?

Hutch: Are you crying?

Starsky: [hesitating] Am I crying? I'm not crying. *You* are.

Hutch: It's okay to cry. People cry.

Starsky: [still hesitating] Well, I'm not like many people. I'm not a crier, I don't cry, I work out. I have a job, I have hobbies...

Starsky: [Feldman has a gun pointed at Hutch] Your nuts are mine Feldman, your nuts are mine.

Hutch: No they're not.

[to Feldman]

Hutch: Your nuts are yours, your nuts are yours.

Starsky: Body of a caucasian male, apparently jumped from the Bay Street Bridge...

Hutch: Well, actually there's no sign of impact so he was probably just dumped out at sea.

Starsky: Would you please not talk while I'm recording?

Hutch: BACKSTABBER! Yeah, don't ever work with David Starsky. He'll STABB YOU AT THE BACK!

Hutch: [at 1:11:23] Are you crying?

Starsky: What's that?

Starsky: No. I'm not crying. You're crying.

Hutch: It's okay to cry. People cry.

Starsky: That's great, but I'm not crying. I'm not a cryer. I don't cry. You know, I work out. I have hobbies.

Hutch: Come here.

Starsky: What?

Hutch: Come here. I forgive you, all right?

Starsky: Okay.

Hutch: Okay, that's probably enought.

Starsky: That's enough.

Hutch: All right?

Starsky: Okay.

Hutch: Are we good?

Starsky: Yeah, we're good.

Hutch: Because we got some people that want us dead.

Hutch: They took a shot at you. They tried to blow up my house, almost killed little Willis. We gotta do... Now what?

Starsky: Nothing. I'm just excited. Let's get these scumbags!