Horace Quotes in The Quick and the Dead (1995)

Ellen: [female gunslinger walks up behind a preoccupied bartender] How about a room?

Horace: Whores next door.

Ellen: [carefully sets her cigar down] Say that again.

Horace: I said whores next door.

Ellen: [kicks the stool out from under him, catches his liquor bottle as he falls, & pours herself a drink] Now, do you have a room available?

Horace: Uh, room and bath, yes, ma'am, coming up!

Horace: I said whores next door.

Horace: Uh, room and bath, yes ma'am. Coming up!

Horace: Wolfman's got nards!

Horace: [to Sean] Scary German guy is bitchin'!

Scary German Guy: [as Sean, Patrick, and Horace are leaving Scary German Guy's house] I expect you boys thought I was some kind of monster myself, mm? A vampire, perhaps? That's quite all right. But I am not, you know. If I were a vampire, then I wouldn't have a reflection...

[points to mirror, where he is clearly visible]

Scary German Guy: ... now would I?

Horace: Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.

Scary German Guy: Now that you mention it, I suppose I do.

[Scary German Guy closes door, revealing a concentration camp tattoo on his wrist]

E.J.: Hey Fat Kid! Good job.

Horace: My name... is Horace!

[Cocks shotgun]

Horace: No, Sean! Scary house! Real monsters! Us, twelve years old, remember?

Sean: Midnight, end of the world, remember?

Sean: Don't kick the church, it's religious!

Rudy: Locked is what it is!

Sean: Alright then, we'll just have to do it out here.

Horace: Oh REAL religious, Sean, why don't we just do it at Burger King?

Horace: [about Scary German Guy] Maybe he's a spy.

Sean: Oh good idea! We're not at war with Germany.

Phoebe: We were at war with Vietnam.

Sean: What?

Phoebe: It's in Rambo!

Sean: Rudy find some silver bullets.

Rudy: Where the hell am I suppose to find silver bullets?

Sean: I don't know. Fat kid get a map, find Shadowbrook Road.

Horace: What do I look in the index for "big scary mansion?"

Sean: I think there are monsters, like real ones! I heard my dad talking on the phone to a guy down at the police station tonight. There was a guy down there screaming he was a werewolf, and they shot him! And the body disappeared from the coroner van, the coroner guy was dead!

Rudy: So what? He got shot and the werewolf took his body?

Sean: No you bean head! He WAS a werewolf! Maybe

Rudy: Yeah but if they shot him?

Sean: It must've been regular bullets, not silver ones. Look I know this sounds stupid, a mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Eugene: Mummy came in my house!

Sean: Guys, Dracula might be here too.

Patrick: Oh man, Fat Kid farted!

Horace: Did not!

Sean: God damn will you guys SHUT UP? Didn't you hear a word I said? These guys are dead, get a clue! Something's out there and it's killing people! And if it's monsters, nobody's going to do a thing about it except us!

Horace: [Sitting in his pimp-mobile, angry, because the prostitutes he's running aren't making any money] Damn recession! How do they expect a working man to make a goddamned living!

Cruella De Vil: Congratulations. You've just won gold, silver, and bronze in the Morons Olympics!

Horace: [mouthing hesitantly, then speaking out loud] Who won the gold?

Cruella De Vil: [screaming] Shut up! My business, my reputation, my life, has been ruined because you three incompetent twits let yourselves be outsmarted by a bunch of dumb animals! And you call yourselves men? Huh? I've seen more intelligent pieces of carpet!

[suddenly, they notice, too late, a skunk that promptly sprays them all; they all start screaming their heads off and pound against the police van walls]

Jasper: Now, there are two things you must not do with Skinner. One, do not look at the horrendous scar on his neck. Two, don't talk to him. Understand? Not a word.

Horace: Right.

[Skinner answers the door and looks at Horace]

Horace: Ahh! Look at the size of that scar! No bl - oody wonder you can't talk, mate!

Skinner: [Wheezing]

Jasper: [to Skinner] Excuse me just a minute, would you?

[closes the door and punches Horace]

Horace: [Horace falls down]

Horace: [still shivering after falling through the frozen pond] Turn on the heater on, will ya?

Jasper: No! Not with this thing acting the way she is; I don't want to risk losing power.

Horace: I can't stand the cold no more. I want heat!

[turns the heat on himself; the system shorts and the car catches on fire from the heater]

Horace: FIRE! Too hot! Too hot!

Horace: [Kipper awakens Horace] Did you hear that?

Jasper: What?

Horace: That noise!

Jasper: What noise?

Horace: That noise I just heard. Did you hear it?

Jasper: [Sarcastically] Oh yeah. Yeah, it sounds like an irritating Berk asking me so many irritating questions. Oh good it has stopped now.

Horace: Did you hear that?

Jasper: What?

Horace: That noise.

Jasper: What noise?

Horace: That noise I just heard. Do you hear it?

Jasper: Oh yeah. Sounded like an complete burk asking me irritating questions. Oh, good, it's stopped now.

Horace: You know, this house is creepy. I'm starving hungry, and so far we haven't been paid one bloody quid.

Jasper: Oh, will you stop moaning?

Jasper: [Trying to start the van] You just had to let those puppies get away, didn't you? Never paying attention.

Horace: Well, where was you?

Jasper: Where was? I was not splashing about in the pond. You've infuriated the old bag, and if we don't get those puppies back it is quite literally our heads!

[trying to start the engine again]

Jasper: Oh, come on! Right, you better get out and check the tailpipe. We've got a condensation problem.

Horace: [threateningly] One of these days I'm gonna be full up of you!

Horace: [Gets out]

Jasper: [Makes a face at him; Horace walks around to the back of the van, squats down and peers into the exhaust pipe, while Jasper desperately tries again to start the engine] Oh, do come on!

[Taps the gas pedal. The exhaust pipe explodes sending a clogged pear and a lot of exhaust into Horace's face]

Jasper: There, ya see?

Horace: [to Jasper] I'll be honest with you mate. This job is fast losing it's charm. The housing stinks, the food's lousy, the lavatory facilities are appalling and so far we haven't made as much as one quid.

Jasper: [Annoyed] Oh you will stop moaning? Look this time tomorrow night it's all over. We get our boodle, we'll be out of here before you can say dead puppies. Now go to sleep.

Horace: [Horace and Jasper turn themselves in and are sitting locked up in a police van] This is lovely.

Jasper: Isn't it? Nice and warm.

Horace: No animals neither.

[Horace hears a growl and looks round terrified and nudges Jasper. Skinner is also arrested and it is implied he was attacked by Kipper. He stares at them in a threating manner. Both Horace and Jasper nervously grin sheepishly]

Horace: .

Horace: Eighty percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in danger of contamination.

Dolly Levi: Hello! Hello there, how are you? Oh Hello!

Horace: You know too many people.

Dolly Levi: Total strangers!

Horace: Then why do you greet them?

Dolly Levi: It makes me feel good to have so many friends.

Horace: Oh, say hello for me too then.

Dolly Levi: I already did.

Ermengarde Vandergelder: But if I can't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!

Horace: Of what?

Ermengarde Vandergelder: A broken heart.

Horace: Never heard of it.

Horace: I'm going to march in the 14th street parade with the only kind of people I can trust: 700 men.

Horace: Any man who goes to a big city deserves what happens to him.

Dolly Levi: Here, let me cut your wings!

Horace: I don't want my wings cut!

Dolly Levi: No man does, Horace, no man does.

Horace: Advice is cheap, Ms. Molloy. It's the things that come gift wrapped that count!

Horace: It takes a woman all powdered and pink to joyously clean out the drain in the sink!

Horace: You are a seven-foot-tall nincompoop!

Ambrose Kemper: That's an insult!

Horace: All the facts about you are insults!

Gussie Granger: [dressed as Ernestina Simple] What do you mean, oysters aren't *in season*? Anyone can have oysters *in season*, I want them out of season!

Horace: They don't have any Miss Simple.

Gussie Granger: Then tell them to go out and dig for some!

Horace: Mrs. Malloy, I shan't bother you again. And I hope vice versa.

Horace: Dolly Levi, you are a damned exasperating woman.

Dolly Levi: Why Horace Vandergelder. That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me. Ha ha.

Horace: Corneilius Hackl! What are you doing in New York?

Cornelius Hackl: Oh, I'm just delivering some oats.

Horace: Delivering some oats? With my former intended? You're discharged!

Cornelius Hackl: You can't fire me. I quit!

Irene Molloy: So do I!

Horace: Barnaby Tucker, you're discharged.

Barnaby Tucker: You can't fire me. I quit!

Minnie Fay: So do I!

Horace: I've worked hard and I've become rich and friendless and mean. In America, that's about as far as you can go.

Horace: You are a disgrace to Yonkers!

Horace: Save your tears for New York, where they won't be noticed.

[the pups run past Horace and Jasper while covered in soot]

Horace: Look, Jasper. Do you suppose they disguised themselves?

Jasper: [jokingly] Say now, Horace, that's just what they did! Dogs is always paintin' 'emselves black!

[bops Horace on his head]

Jasper: You idiot!

Horace: [Jasper is drinking] Hey, Jasper! Come on now, give us a swig. Just a short one?

Jasper: Now Horace, this hogwash ain't fit for a fancy gent like yourself. Besides, you'd get crumbs in it, ya cabbage head!

Horace: All right! Guzzle the whole works, and I hope it gives ya cobby wobbles, that's what!

Horace: We're from the Gas Company.

Jasper: [elbows him] 'Lectric! 'Lectric!

Horace: Uh, Electric Company.

Cruella De Vil: I've got no time to argue. I tell you, it's got to be done tonight!

[Turns off television set]

Cruella De Vil: Do you understand? Tonight!

Horace: But they ain't big enough.

Jasper: You couldn't get half a dozen coats out of the whole kaboodle.

Seargent Tibs: [whispering] Coats? Dog skin coats?

Cruella De Vil: Then we'll settle for half a dozen!

Jasper: [Jasper coughs]

Cruella De Vil: We can't wait! The police are everywhere. I want the job done tonight!

Horace: How're we gonna do it?

Cruella De Vil: Any way you like. Poison them. Drown them. Bash them in the head. You got any chloroform?

Jasper: Not a drop.

Horace: And no ether, either.

Jasper: [Hits Horace over the head with bottle]

Jasper: Either!

Cruella De Vil: I don't care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!

Jasper: Aw, please, miss. Have pity, will you? Can't we see the rest of the show first?

Horace: We want to see "What's My Crime?"

[Cruella takes Jasper's bottle causing him to cough and throws it into the fireplace, where it explodes; she slaps both of them in the face]

Cruella De Vil: Now listen, you idiots! I'll be back first thing in the morning. And the job better be done or I'll I'll I'll call the police! Do you understand?

Seargent Tibs: [She slams the door behind her; a piece of plaster falls off the ceiling and on Horace's head]

Horace: I think she means it, Jasper.

[the dalmatians are hiding from Jasper and Horace under a bridge across a frozen creek]

Jasper: Aw, they gotta be around here somewhere.

Horace: Jasper, I've been thinking.

Jasper: Now, Horace!

Horace: But what if they went down the froze-up creek so as not to leave their tracks?

Jasper: Oh, Horace, you idiot! Dogs ain't that smart.

Cruella De Vil: [on the phone with Jasper] Jasper! Jasper, you idiot! How dare you call here?

Jasper: But we don't want no more of this here! We want our bootle! We'll settle for half!

Cruella De Vil: Not one shilling until the job is done! Understand?

Horace: Jasper! Jasper!

[shows newspaper]

Jasper: [to Cruella] But it's here in the blinkin' papers! Pictures and all!

Cruella De Vil: Hang the papers! It'll be forgotten tomorrow!

Horace: I don't like it, Jasper. I.

Jasper: [to Horace] Ahh, shut up, you idiot!

Cruella De Vil: [shouts] What?

Jasper: [to Cruella] Oh, no! Not you, Miss! I mean Horace, here!

Cruella De Vil: Why, you imbecile!

Horace: I don't like it, Jasper. One more pinch, and they'll throw the keys away.

Jasper: Oh, come off it, Horace. We're getting plenty of bootle.

Horace: Yes, but I've been thinking.

Jasper: You've been thinking? Now look here, Horace! I warned you about thinking! I've got the nog for this job, so let's get on with it!

Cruella De Vil: Well, any sign of them?

Jasper: Not so much as a blooming footprint. And we've been up and down every blicking road in the county.

Horace: We're froze stiff. We're giving up.

Cruella De Vil: Oh, no, you don't! We'll find the little mongrels if it takes till next Christmas. Now get going! And watch your driving, you imbeciles! Do you wanna get nabbed by the police?

Jasper: I ain't gonna hurt ya.

Horace: But I thought we was gonna pop 'em off.

Jasper: Shh, shut up!

Cyril: Hello, Horace.

Horace: I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Cyril: But we're your cousins.

Horace: Yes, but you're strange.

Uncle Albert: Rule Three: Laundry three times a week. Very important, you know. The British Empire was built on clean pants. Clean pants and...

Horace: Mint sauce?

Uncle Albert: Don't be ridiculous, Horace. Rule four: Never, ever go into... the greenhouse.

Robert: The greenhouse.

Martha: These are the children I was telling you about. Your nephews and nieces.

Uncle Albert: Impossible. They're not due 'till Friday. Isn't that right, Horace

Horace: Yes, Father. Not due 'till Friday.

Robert: Today is Friday.

Uncle Albert: Can't be.

[sniffs]

Uncle Albert: Smell that. That's Thursday.

Robert: Horace, it's time we got to know one another.

Horace: No, it isn't.

Robert: I used to think that myself, but here we are. I'll start.

[walking into the basement]

Robert: Oh, great. Just what my day was missing. A tour of a dark smelly basement.

Horace: This is where I keep my monster collection.

Horace: Be careful. Don't get too close. You might get savaged.

Robert: By a dead star fish with an onion stuck on it.

Horace: It's not. It's called Megastarrium. And it's a monster. They're all monsters. Look!

Robert: That was scary. Very scary.

Robert: I was hoping you could teach me the more finer points of monster...

Horace: Monster Mastery.

Robert: Please?

Horace: You're in for a treat.

Horace: What are you whispering about? And what's it?

Horace: [after melting the doll in acid] Excellent!

Horace: I don't need friends, but I do need test subjects for my experiments.

Horace: I know you've got a secret, and when I catch you, I'll get it out of you.

Horace: Oh, Robert. You're just in time for the dissection.

Psammead: What a delicious monster collection you have.

Horace: Now I have you to complete it.

Horace: It can talk!

Psammead: You should hear me sing.

Horace: But, who are you?

She, Queen Hash-A-Mo-Tep of Kor: I am yesterday, and today, and tomorrow. I am sorrow, and longing, and hope unfulfilled. I am Hash-A-Mo-Tep. She. She who must be obeyed! I am I.

Horace: No sledges, no food, and no way back.

Leo: And no way forward.

Insp. Claud Teal: I'm not through with you yet!

Horace: But I don't know anythung!

Insp. Claud Teal: If you say that again, I'll arrest you on suspicion!

Horace: You feel alright?

Sonny: Oh yeah. I feel just about as good as I've ever felt, Rodney.

Horace: Well... my name's not Rodney.

Horace: Sonny, listen to me... I'm really and truly sorry about what's happened here, I really am.

Sonny: Well why don't you just but out. Before I take my, my boot here and tear you out another asshole... right where your nose is at.

Horace: Sonny, there's no call for that kind of talk, now...

Sonny: Well, we'll see about that...

Horace: [to Stephen] I offered you gold. 'Tis not my fault you prefer a pebble.

Horace: [Entering the graveyard] Blimey, look at this place!

Civil Defense worker #2: [Seeing the empty coffin, with a Cockney accent] Blimey, 'e's 'opped! Lord Love-a-Duck!

Horace: [Looking at all the bodies unearthed in the cemetery by the bomb] Blimey! Look at this! It's getting so it ain't even safe to be dead!