Gordon Quotes in Timeline (2003)

Gordon: Trust me- we're in 1357 France.

Kate Ericson: [the marker is not working, Kate is panicking] Why isn't it working? It's not working.

Gordon: I don't know because if it were working, we'd be FUCKING HOME RIGHT NOW!

Neighbor: Hey, shutup down there!

Gordon: I'm covered in ca-ca!

Gordon: Why don't you watch television or something? And keep it on cartoons, don't try to get smart!

[Gordon attempts to get Starchild's attention by squeezing a dog toy in her face; but to no avail]

Gordon: Hello? What's the matter, cat got your tongue?

Gordon: Listen, we're not gonna give you any trouble, why don't you just take what you want.

Raymond: Take what we want? What do we look like, fuckin' prosciutto bandits?

Addy: What you got there?

Gordon: Oh, uh, well we've got some wine and bread, cheese, fruit and some prosciutto.

Marcus: Prosciutto?

Gordon: It's Italian deli food.

Marcus: [smelling food on the plate] Yo damn, that's ham, dog.

Curtis: [sampling some of the prosciutto] That's some good fuckin' ham.

Gordon: Listen to me, you are our new hitman. I'm the boss now. I'm not going to carry you like Max did. This is your new job. You're going to make a lot of money. The hours are great, you hang out most of the time, it's fun!

Cosmo Reif: Okay.

Gordon: Now get the fuck out of here.

Gordon: Kill, kill, kill let's see kick-ass collateral damage, now you die, ha ha ha ha!

Gordon: You, Thomas, are small. Small! Small! Small! Teeny-eeny-Weeny. But I... I'm a big blue engine who knows everything.

[chuckles]

Thomas: Bossy Sprockets! All that steam has gone through your funnel.

[Bertie the bus roars past the steam engines who are having a meeting a siding. The only engine not present is Percy]

Bertie: Smile you steamers. It's a sunny day. Broom broom!

James: It's not sunny because Mr C's not at the windmill. I've looked.

Thomas: I think his sparkle's all gone.

Henry: My smokebox doesn't feel sunny. It feels stuffed up.

Gordon: Nasty fumes form dingy diesel. Hmm!

Henry: And diesel is after the lost engine.

Toby: And if he finds her, I fear that will destroy us all.

Gordon: What even an engine as big as me!

Toby: Yes Gordon, even you.

Thomas: Ahh... Choo!

[shakes as he sneezes]

James: Say it don't spay it, Thomas.

Thomas: I've still got sneezing powder up my funnel. Now I'm going to find Mr Conductor.

[puffs away]

Toby: And let us get back to work. That's what he would want.

[referring to Mr Conductor]

Bertie: How bout a race Thomas? Broom Broom!

Thomas: Sorry Bertie. I can't today. I have to be a really useful engine and solve some mysteries instead.

Bertie: I guess that means I win. Perhaps another day. Broom broom broom!

Gordon: [in jail] Hey! Can we get some water in here?

[gets a bucketful of water in the face]

Gordon: Thanks.

Oscar: Who says you can't go home again?

Susan: Oscar, maybe you can get your friends to tell us where Elmo is.

Cookie Monster, Telly, Zoe: Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Oscar: In a minute. First I have to look at the old neighborhood here. Hey, I wonder where that old septic tank is.

Susan: Hey, wait a minute!

Gordon: No, Oscar, we've got to find Elmo first!

Cookie Monster, Telly: Elmo! Elmo!

Susan: Let's go this way.

Gordon: [Notices Cookie Monster is still consuming the Volkswagen] Haven't you had enough?

Cookie Monster: But Gordon, me growing monster!

Ruthie: [Shocked to see that there's nothing left of her car] Gordon! What on earth happened to the car?

Gordon: Don't ask me.

Gordon: [Points to Cookie Monster] Ask him.

Cookie Monster: [Looks up at Ruthie] Hi.

Cookie Monster: [Belches] Oh, excuse me.

Ruthie: The insurance man isn't going to believe this.

Gordon: Okay. Let's... Follow that Bird!

[opening lines]

Gordon: Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Don't cry. I know you're upset, I know you're confused. I don't know what your mother told you, but let me explain it from my side in terms you can understand... You got your doll, right? You got your doll there.

Five Year Old Kim: Yeah.

Gordon: You got your doll and you like your doll, right? You love your doll.

Five Year Old Kim: Yes.

Gordon: Yes, you love the doll. But what if I told you that was the only doll you're allowed to play with the rest of your life. How would you feel?

Five Year Old Kim: Sad.

Gordon: You'd feel sad, of course, 'cause there are a lot of other dolls on your shelves. And if you play with the other dolls, you can't have that doll anymore. Even though that doll doesn't want to play with you at this point. You're both living a lie. There's other dolls you like, and they're making new dolls every year. You want a stewardess doll?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Yeah.

Gordon: How about a slightly overweight cocktail waitress doll?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Yeah.

Gordon: What about a doll who happens to be best friends with your main doll?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Yeah.

Gordon: It could happen, right?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Yeah.

Gordon: What about a doll you only play with one day and never see again?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Yeeeah.

Gordon: What about a doll where your friend's playing with a doll and he needs you to, you know, kinda man up with the other doll? You don't even wanna play with that doll but you do it cause your friend's playing with that doll and you don't want to sit there and look at the other doll unattended.

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: ...yeah.

Gordon: So that's why me and mom are getting divorced.

Amy: Aaron was telling me about this acupuncturist. She's supposedly amazing. She helps a lot of his patients with pain management and I really want her to take a look at you. Will you do that?

Gordon: I have no desire for an oriental woman to touch me above the waist.

Gordon: Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Monogamy isn't realistic. Say it.

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Monogamy isn't realistic.

Gordon: Again!

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim: Monogamy isn't realistic!

Amy: [voice-over] I didn't understand that word at the time but now, I know exactly what he was talking about.

Gordon: Hey, Honey!

[his wife gives the "L" sign]

Gordon: "L" for love! Good times.

Dwight: "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...

Peter La Fleur: No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.

Owen: [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!

Dwight: Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!

Justin: [Whispers to Gordon] What's a taint?

Gordon: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!

Justin: How many teams are in this qualifier?

Gordon: Uh, two.

Justin: So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?

Gordon: Yeah!

Owen: That seems pretty simple.

Dwight: Who's the other team?

Gordon: Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.

Steve the Pirate: Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!

Peter La Fleur: Not quite!

[Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground]

Steve the Pirate: BOLLOCKS!

Gordon: Guy, not to sound negative, but we've only had one customer, and it's that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

[the guys turn around to see Justin scrubbing a monster truck]

Weird Guy with Monster Truck: [while rubbing his belly] That's it, boy. Get in there all nice and deep-like.

Justin: This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?

Gordon: Average Joe's.

Justin: Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?

Dwight: Say what? I ain't working at no airport!

Justin: No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?

Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!

[before the championship game]

Peter La Fleur: Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?

Owen: Aim low?

Peter La Fleur: That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?

[Everyone laughs]

Peter La Fleur: Put 'em in.

[Hands in]

Peter La Fleur: One, two, three...

Peter La Fleur, Owen, Justin, Kate Veatch, Dwight, Gordon: JOE'S!

Denise: He is lying to us, there is no subway in Los Angeles.

Gordon: Yes, there is!

Denise: Where? How come I've never seen it?

Gordon: It's underground.

Gordon: No, I'm not a hipster. I can't grow a convincing enough beard.

Meghan: What does a post-modern romantic writer do all day?

Gordon: Find beauty and praise it.

Meghan: That's like the opposite of what I do.

Gordon: Hey I've got you those tickets you wanted...

Dennis: They were for yesterday!

Gordon: Oh so NOW you don't want them?

Dennis: Why would I want them?

Gordon: You could... sell them on e-bay.

Dennis: Who would buy tickets for an event which happened yesterday?

Gordon: ...Time Travellers.

Gordon: The only serious relationship I've been in ended in a broken collarbone and a dead meerkat.

Gordon: Go on then, run!

Dennis: Isn't there some kind of like... special technique?

Gordon: Well... yeah... you put one leg in front of the other over and over again really really fast.

Gordon: I got you a present

Libby: Aww thanks

Gordon: It's a CD, I hope you haven't got it. Because I don't have a receipt and I didn't exactly buy it.

Dennis: We should set the alarm for about 7 o'clock.

Gordon: I don't have an alarm clock.

Dennis: Why not?

Gordon: I never need to be anywhere.

Gordon: Dennis, you're my best friend, I'm not going to bet against you. Not with these odds.

Gordon: Hey do you think it would be weird if I took a bath?

[pause]

Gordon: Yeah... that would be weird.

Gordon: That was the second most disgusting fluid I've ever had in my eye.

[Mr. Ghoshtashtidar has just stopped Vincent from smashing Gordon's fingers in a piano]

Gordon: Thanks for that, Mr. G!

Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: Your friend is a man of honor.

Gordon: What, Vincent?

Mr. Ghoshdashtidar: Yes! He said he's going to kick shit out of you later instead!

Gordon: Women remember that stuff.

Dennis: Peter Perfect's perfect palace.

Gordon: Try saying that when you're smashed.

Dennis: I will.

Gordon: Well come on up!

Gordon: Hey, maybe there's a little man in there who looks just like you but he's really good at running.

Dennis: What are you talking about?

Gordon: Just a thought.

Gordon: Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.

Richard: Dad...

Gordon: Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first met them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.

Richard: Tell me something, Dad. Why did you and Mom get married?

Gordon: What kind of an inane question is that for a Thursday evening?

Richard: For a man who revels in reckless promiscuity, your four marriages do beg some questions.

Gordon: Your mother fed me regularly. She pleasured me half decently now and then. What more could a man want?

Richard: Oh, I don't know, friendship? Someone to see the world with, have a laugh with? Maybe even start a family with.

Gordon: Joan left me. Silly cow.

Richard: Well, I'm sorry. Truly.

Gordon: Well, that makes me feel so much better. I mean, God almighty, thank you for those profound words of sympathy.

Richard: Well, it's a lot more than you ever said when Kate left me.

Gordon: Well, I warned you about her! She was a rampant little Yankee trollop.

Richard: You know what, Dad? Of course Joan left you. You're a misanthropic, misogynistic asshole who doesn't give a fuck about anybody, least of all the poor saps who you got to marry you in the first place.

Gordon: Is that it? Is that all you've got?

Richard: And you did it all in the name of some misguided credo called fun. Which you brainwashed me with in the first place.

Richard: What the buggering hell are you doing here? You hate hospitals.

Gordon: You're right. I hate bloody hospitals. But I love the nurses.

Gordon: [in his hospital bed] Hey, Richard. You remember my epitaph.

Richard: Of course I do, Dad. Of course I do.

Mausoleum Placard: [cut to cemetery] To the memory of Prof. Gordon Haig, 1931 - 2014 - "Party's Over"

Gordon: Who was that?

Kathy: It was this guy who gave me a ride home.

Gordon: Shall I make a cup of tea?

Gordon: [after he's lost half his leg and been in a bus crash] I think I've broken my arm

Gordon: I cooked it for the whole hour.

Gordon: [Steve is eating magic mushrooms, the coach sharply stops] Anyone need first aid?

Steve: I might do in about 20 minutes...

Gordon: I want to find the real Dorothy. The one underneath the football shirt.

'Dr.' Shirlee Kenyon: I'm returning the car. It came with the job.

Gordon: Wherever you go you'll need a car.

'Dr.' Shirlee Kenyon: Nobody needs a 60 thousand dollar car. Besides, I'm not really a Mercedes, I'm just a plain ol' Pontiac... maybe a Chevy.

Gordon: HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE! ALBERT, CALL THE FRONT DESK!

Albert: I've got the front desk now. He was never here.

Jeffries: Well now, I'm not gonna talk about Judy. In fact, we're not gonna talk about Judy at all, we're gonna keep her out of it.

Cooper: [bewildered] Gordon?

Gordon: I KNOW, COOP!

Jeffries: Who do you think this is there?

Albert: Suffered some bumps on the old noggin, hey, Phil?

Gordon: WHAT THE HELL DID HE SAY THERE, ALBERT? THAT'S SPECIAL AGENT DALE COOPER! FOR GOD'S SAKES, JEFFRIES, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU'VE BEEN GONE DAMN NEAR TWO YEARS!

Jeffries: The stories that I wanna tell you about...

[first lines]

Gordon: [shouting very loud] GET ME SPECIAL AGENT CHESTER DESMOND OUT IN FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA!

Desmond: [into a phone] Hello?

Gordon: [shouting into the phone] CHET? IT'S REGIONAL BUREAU CHIEF GORDON COLE CALLING YOU FROM PORTLAND, OREGON.

Desmond: [into the phone] Okay, Gordon.

Gordon: [into the phone] NO, OR-AH-GON! I GOT A GIRL THAT'S BEEN MURDERED, 17-YEARS OLD, NAMED TERESA BANKS. CHET, I GOT A SUPRISE FOR YOU. ARRANGEMENTS ARE BEING MADE AND I WILL MEET YOU AT THE PRIVATE PORTLAND AIRPORT.

Desmond: [into the phone] Okay, Gordon!

[hangs up]

"Hoot": [speaking about the shooting earlier] Nice man, very smooth.

Gordon: Single shot through the engine block.

"Hoot": Shit, that's a shame. That was a nice jeep.

Gordon: [sung] I try to open up to what I don't know, because reason says I should have died three years ago...

Gordon: I'm a New Yorker. Fear's my life.

Snow: He attacked me. There I am - somehow, there I am - and I couldn't tell you... couldn't tell you how I'm there or who I am or what's going on. But before I can get to that, what's this over here - coming at me? What... what are you trying to do? Oh, I see, you're trying to kill me. Yeah confuse me. I'll tell you about some confusing. How about bingo, there you are. And, whoop, there's my welcoming committee, and you dropped your knife and this is a good night. And, oh, by the way, uh, after all that, I find out, this, uh... whoever this is... get my first good look in, and it happens to be... I survived the first thirty seconds of this life... whatever you want to call it... by killing someone. And, oh, ah, by killing someone who happens to be me. See most people, I would think most people in this position would be like, "This... Ah, hmm... I don't know." However, this is at least, this is an incredible opportunity. This is a... what if this is a... this is a gift? I'm a gift. Hey.

Gordon: I say we use the Higgs device on him.

Chris Kelvin: Why haven't you come home? What happened here? What did you find?

Gordon: Who are you representing, exactly?

Chris Kelvin: I represent the last effort to recover this mission before they abandon this ship and everyone on board.

Gordon: Until it starts happening to you, there's really no point in discussing it.

Chris Kelvin: How about you? How are you doing?

Gordon: Depression along with bouts of hypomania and primary insomnia, suggestions of agoraphobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, shock, fatigue, denial.

Chris Kelvin: None of which is unusual given the circumstances.

Gordon: I know.

Chris Kelvin: What about your visitor, the one you're so ready to destroy without hesitation? Who is it? What is it? Does it feel? Can it touch? Does it speak?

Gordon: We are in a situation that is beyond morality.

Gordon: She is not Human! Now I don't know about you, but I feel threatened by that.

Le Major: Everyone to their posts!

Gordon: [a moment of indecision] Every man to his post!

Le Major: Quickly!

[the Scottish soldiers get in position along the trench wall]

German Soldiers: [Someone in the German trench stands up and walks into No Man's Land] No, stay here! What're you doing? Come back!

Le Major: Well, what the hell are you doing! Shoot the bloody Kraut!

[the Scottish soldiers look at each other; they don't fire]

Le Major: What are you waiting for? Shoot him, God damn it! Holidays are over!

[the soldiers shoot in the air to warn the man in No Man's Land, who begins to run toward the French trench]

Le Major: What the hell do you think you're playing at? Shoot him!

[Again the soldiers look at each other, shake their heads, and don't fire]

Le Major: Shoot him!

[Jonathan shoots the man, who falls midway between the French and German trenches]

Le Major: Stand down from your posts.

[They do]

Le Major: Shame on you, Gordon. Shame on you.

[Ponchel's alarm clock rings in No Man's Land. Gordon looks out to see Lieutenant Audebert running to help the man Jonathan shot - Ponchel in a German uniform]

Ponchel: Be silly to die disguised as a German, eh?

Lieutenant Audebert: What the devil were you doing?

Ponchel: I had a German help me. I saw my mother. We drank a coffee, just like before... You have a son.

[Lieutenant Audebert can no longer keep from crying]

Ponchel: His name is Henri.

[Ponchel dies, and Lieutenant Audebert sobs even harder. Gordon and the Major look on from their trench, Gordon grave, the Major baffled]

Gordon: We were talking about a cease fire, for Christmas Eve. What do you think? The outcome of this war wont be decided tonight. I don't think anyone would criticize us for laying down our riffles on Christmas Eve.

Gordon: Don't worry, I'll get you out of there in a flash.

Gordon: [Natalia laughs] Why you laugh?

Natalie Ravenna: You'll get me out of there in a flash... Gordon!

Gordon: You are in some kind of trip?

Natalie Ravenna: Yes.

Gordon: Where?

Natalie Ravenna: West.

Gordon: Where West? California?

Natalie Ravenna: Yes.

Gordon: Why California?

Natalie Ravenna: It's the far west I can go.

Phil: He was a liability. I mean, he brought it on himself... Didn't he? I mean, it's typical. Typical Henry: The wrong place, at the wrong time.

Gordon: You did this?

Phil: Gordon! I need you to wake up, and take a really, *really* good look at him... You know what I wouldn't do? I wouldn't tell anybody about this, because if they find out about Hank, they're going to find out about the others.

Gordon: You!

[points at Phil]

Gordon: You come with *me.*

Phil: Hey!

[points back at Gordon]

Phil: Fuck *youuuu.*

Gordon: I hit Wendy.

Phil: What?

Gordon: It was Friday night. I wanted to celebrate gettin' this job. I had the flowers, I had the champagne. I went into the kitchen. She was cookin' pasta. I wanted to kiss her. She turned around and before I knew it, there was a pot of boiling water all over my leg. And I don't know if it was the dog barkin', I don't know if it was Emma cryin', but I slapped her. I hit my wife. I love my wife. It was an accident. But I slapped her for it.

Gordon: What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?

Phil: You mean aside from coming to work for you?... Well, I would have to say introducing Hank to Amy. That was pretty fucking stupid. I'd like to have that one back.

Phil: [voice on walkie-talkie] Come back... Come back?

Gordon: This is Gordon.

Phil: [voice on walkie-talkie] We found the one. The one responsible.

[Gordon sets down the walkie-talkie and goes into Danvers]

Jeff: How's Aunt Wendy doin'?

Gordon: [with tears in his eyes despite his smile] ... She's... she's tired. Kids tire you out sometimes, you know?

Gordon: Give me the FUCKIN' cell phone!

Gordon: [crying while sitting on the floor of the mental hospital, holding a dead cellular phone] ... Wendy, it's me, please don't hang up, please! I just wanted to say that... I'm so sorry for what's happened... I'm so lonely here, i want to go home... I just want to hold you, I want to hold my baby... can you forgive me... can you forgive me?

Sara Palski: Hey!

Nick: Sara!

Sara Palski: Room for one more?

Nick: [as he's moving boxes to make room] Yeah totally. Right there, no problem.

Sara Palski: Cool.

[Sara snaps her fingers and her dog barks and jumps in the back]

Sara Palski: Good boy! You guys have fun back there.

Gordon: Not quite, uh, what we had in mind there Sara. But...

[Sara closes the boot of the car before Gordon finishes]

Gordon: So you're probably gonna have to get her drunk. You gonna make her one of your awesome mixed tapes? Those are amazing.

Nick: Don't disrespect the mixed tape, okay? First of all, your mom loves them.

Gordon: Let's rock it out! Let's shock the western world.

[Beth throws a ping-pong ball into one of Gordon's cups on his side of the inflatable beer pong mattress, while playing Beer Pong]

Gordon: Ooooo!

Beth: [Gordon takes the ball out of the cup and drinks it] Who is the champion of the world?

Gordon: Who's hungry?

Gordon: So tell me then... you don't want to be here?

Rob: I'm just not sure the outdoors are my thing.

Gordon: You may have arrived with Rob - but you'll leave with me.