Gertie Michaels Quotes in The Final Girls (2015)

Max Cartwright: Gertie, you're a virgin.

Gertie Michaels: No. Well, not anymore. Last summer with that guy, Jerry. He had like the weird mustache and he, like, winked. Remember?

Vicki Summers: Isn't he autistic?

Gertie Michaels: Yeah. Yeah. He is. But he was also very romantic.

Gertie Michaels: Maybe we're dead and this is Heaven.

Vicki Summers: This can't be Heaven. Max is here and she's Jewish.

Gertie Michaels: Oh, right. Well, maybe it's Jewish Heaven.

Vicki Summers: Gertie, I'm sorry for that time in junior high when I told everyone to start calling you Ba-Chunk-a-Dunk, and then I covered your locker in bacon. That was so crappy and I'm so sorry! I'm such a bad person.

Gertie Michaels: You're not, it's okay. If it makes you feel better, last summer I'm the one who spread the rumor that said you had a weird disease where you were always on your period.

Vicki Summers: Wow, that's evil!

Gertie Michaels: Thank you.

Gertie Michaels: She's probably gonna pee on him just to mark her territory.

[the kids find themselves living inside of the old slasher movie that they were watching]

Duncan: Okay. So, we're in the movie.

Max Cartwright: Uh-huh. How do we get out of here?

Gertie Michaels: Yeah, I like that question. That is a really, really good question. Duncan, can you answer that question, please?

Duncan: What are you talking about? It's 1986! Our homes don't exist yet, they're probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions. WE don't exist yet. I know for a fact my parents haven't met because I was an unplanned child.

Duncan: The Bathematicians were so excited when I told them that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.

Gertie Michaels: Stepsister.

Duncan: Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.

Gertie Michaels: Hey, just keep on keepin' on.

Max Cartwright: What does that even mean?

Gertie Michaels: It's something my therapist tells me all the time.

Max Cartwright: You have a therapist?

Gertie Michaels: Mmm-hmm.

Max Cartwright: Does it help you deal?

Gertie Michaels: No, not really. She's a physical therapist, so...

Blake: So wait, is new wave real?

Gertie Michaels: Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Blake: But I'M not real?

Gertie Michaels: You're only real in the movie. So yeah, you're real here.

Blake: Oh, cool.

Chris Briggs: What are Bathematicians?

Duncan: Camp Bloodbath fans. It's kind of our awesome nickname.

Gertie Michaels: Did you know that a nickname immediately becomes uncool when you give it to yourself?

Gertie Michaels: You know that Chris broke up with Vicki last week, right? And she is a mess! Have you seen the veiled suicide note/poem she posted on her Facebook page? It's so hilarious! I read it out loud to myself. A lot!