Fiorello Quotes in A Night at the Opera (1935)

Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.

[Fiorello laughs loudly]

Fiorello: You can't fool me! There ain't no Santay Claus!

[Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello]

Otis B. Driftwood: All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?

Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.

Fiorello: Well, that's-a why I didn't hear anything.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

Otis B. Driftwood: You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you?

Fiorello: Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it.

Otis B. Driftwood: Did you get anything for it?

Fiorello: Uh... dollar forty.

Otis B. Driftwood: That's my suit all right.

Otis B. Driftwood: Two beers, bartender!

Fiorello: I'll take two beers, too.

[Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Tomasso sleeping]

Otis B. Driftwood: That can't be my shirt, my shirt doesn't snore.

Fiorello: Shh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia, he's trying to sleep it off.

[Fiorello and Driftwood go over the first clause of their contract]

Otis B. Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

Fiorello: No, that's no good.

Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?

Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.

Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?

Fiorello: Er... just the first part.

Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?

Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.

Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

Otis B. Driftwood: And eight pieces of French pasty.

Fiorello: With two hard-boiled eggs.

Otis B. Driftwood: And two hard-boiled eggs.

[Tomasso honks his horn]

Otis B. Driftwood: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

Fiorello: [Disguised as one of the world's greatest aviators] So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started we got-a half way there when we run out a gasoline, and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we're just about to land, maybe three feet, when what do you think: we run out of gasoline again. And-a back-a we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a half way over, when what do you think happens: we forgot-a the airplane. So, we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a the great idea. We no take-a gasoline, we no take-a the airplane. We take steamship, and that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.

[Fiorello and Driftwood go over the second clause of their contract]

Otis B. Driftwood: Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."

Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...

Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?

Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!

[in reference to Tomasso]

Otis B. Driftwood: Wouldn't it be simpler if you just had him stuffed?

Fiorello: He's no olive.

Fiorello: How do you do?

Otis B. Driftwood: [resting his foot on Lassparri, who's been knocked out] Hello.

Fiorello: What's the matter, mister?

Otis B. Driftwood: Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.

Fiorello: [raises a foot] Do you mind if I...?

Otis B. Driftwood: No no, go right ahead. Plenty of room.

Otis B. Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?

Fiorello: Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Fiorello: What'll I say?

Otis B. Driftwood: Tell them you're not here.

Fiorello: Suppose they don't believe me?

Otis B. Driftwood: They'll believe you when you start talking.

Fiorello: You got some mail for me?

Tony: Mail for you? You don't work here.

Fiorello: Well where am I gonna get my mail? I no work anyplace.

Otis B. Driftwood: [talking about "the greatest tenor in the world"] Do you know America is waiting to hear him sing?

Fiorello: Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway.

Otis B. Driftwood: Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you?

Fiorello: It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.

Otis B. Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?

Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

Fiorello: Ricardo, how do you feel?

Ricardo: After a meal like that great. I could sing my head off. Cosi-Cosa. It's a wonderful word tra-la-la-la.

Fiorello: [beginning a speech disguised as one of the aviators] Friends.

Otis B. Driftwood: Go fast. I can see a man with a rope out there.

Fiorello: How we happen to come to America is a great story, but I no tell that.

Otis B. Driftwood: Now, uh, here are the contracts. You just put his name at the top and, uh, you sign his name at the bottom.

Otis B. Driftwood: [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract] There's no need of you reading that, because these are duplicates.

Fiorello: [chuckles] Yeah, duplicates. Duplicates, eh?

Otis B. Driftwood: I say, they're duplicates.

Fiorello: Oh sure, is a duplicate.

Otis B. Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?

Fiorello: [Referring to the Dionne quintuplets] Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I wouldn't know about that; I haven't been in Canada in years. Well, go ahead and read it.

Fiorello: What does it say?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, go on and read it.

Fiorello: All right, you read it to me.

Otis B. Driftwood: All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?

Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. You say anything?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.

Fiorello: Well, that's why I didn't hear anything.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

Fiorello: Can you read?

Otis B. Driftwood: [holds the contract close to his face] I can read, but I can't see it.

Otis B. Driftwood: [holds the contract further away from his face] Don't seem to have it in focus here... If my arms were a little longer, I could read it. You haven't got a baboon in your pocket, have you? Here, here, here we are, now I've got it. Now pay particular attention to this first clause, because it's most important. It says:"The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

Fiorello: No, that's no good.

Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?

Fiorello: I don't know. Let's hear it again.

Otis B. Driftwood: It says "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

Fiorello: Well, it sounds a little better this time.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?

Fiorello: Well, just the first part.

Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean, "The party of the first part"?

Fiorello: No: the first part of "the party of the first part".

Otis B. Driftwood: All right, it says: "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

Fiorello: [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract] Yeah, it's-a too long, anyhow. Now what do we got left?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I've got about a foot-and-a-half. Now it says here: "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."

Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that.

Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?

Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around 4:00 in the morning. I was blind for three days.

Fiorello: Hey look: Why can't the first part of the second party be the second part of the first party? Then you got something.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, look, uh... rather than go through all that again, what do you say?

Fiorello: Fine.

[Driftwood and Fiorello each tear out another section of the contract]

Fiorello: I give this to Riccardo.

Herbert Gottlieb: [talking offstage with Mrs. Claypool ] ... sensation in New York.

[meets Fiorello]

Herbert Gottlieb: Pardon me, could you tell me where Signor Lassparri is?

Fiorello: Sure, there's Lassparri,

Herbert Gottlieb: Lassparri!

Otis B. Driftwood: Lassparri? Then whom did I sign?

Fiorello: You signed Riccardo Baroni, that's-a my man.

Herbert Gottlieb: [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious] Signor Lassparri, what happened? Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb! Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb!

Herbert Gottlieb: [Tomasso unties a sandbag, which drops on Lassparri's head and knocks him unconscious] Oh, what is this now?

Otis B. Driftwood: How early the fruit is falling this season.

Otis B. Driftwood: Two beers, bartender!

Fiorello: I'll take two beers, too.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, things seem to be getting better around the country.

Fiorello: I don't know, I'm a stranger here myself.

Otis B. Driftwood: Say, uh, I just remembered: I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you?

Fiorello: Is a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.

Otis B. Driftwood: Oh, I know, I know: the greatest tenor in the world, that's what I'm after.

Fiorello: Why, I'm his manager.

Otis B. Driftwood: Whose manager?

Fiorello: The greatest tenor in the world.

Otis B. Driftwood: The fellow that sings at the opera here?

Fiorello: Sure.

Otis B. Driftwood: What's his name?

Fiorello: What do you care? I can't pronounce it. What do you want with him?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, uh, I want to sign him up for the New York Opera Company. You know that America is waiting to hear him sing?

Fiorello: Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway. Could he sail tomorrow?

Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

Otis B. Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?

Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well I don't know.

Otis B. Driftwood: [to himself] Let's see, uh... $1,000 a night... I'm entitled to a small profit...

Otis B. Driftwood: How about $10 a night?

Fiorello: Ten? Ten dollars?

[Fiorello laughs]

Fiorello: I'll take it!

Otis B. Driftwood: All right, but remember, I get 10 percent for negotiating the deal.

Fiorello: Yes, and I get 10 percent for being the manager. How much does that leave?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that leaves him, uh... $8.00.

Fiorello: $8.00, eh? Well, he sends $5.00 home to his mother...

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that leaves $3.00.

Fiorello: Can he live in New York on $3.00?

Otis B. Driftwood: Like a prince. Of course, he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax.

Fiorello: Oh. income tax.

Otis B. Driftwood: Yes, you know, there's a federal tax and a state tax and a city tax... and a street tax and a sewer tax

Fiorello: How much does this come to?

Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I figure if that he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.

Fiorello: All right, we take it.

Otis B. Driftwood: All right, fine.

[Driftwood and Fiorello shake hands]

Fiorello: Wait a minute. Before he sings, you gotta sign a contract. And I get 10 percent.

Otis B. Driftwood: And I get 10 percent too.