Dad Quotes in Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005)

Dad: By the way, it makes me uncomfortable when you say "hooking up".

Lisa: Why? It's not like it means anything.

Dad: Hope it doesn't.

Lisa: It doesn't. It's just an expression.

Dad: Hope it is.

Lisa: It is! God, when should never have rented Thirteen.

Danny: Your're gonna leave us alone in this creepy old house?

Dad: It's not creepy, it's old.

Walter: I like mom's better.

Dad: Well, so did she and now it's hers.

Dad: I have to work.

Walter: But it's Saturday!

Dad: Tell me about it.

[first lines]

Dad: [playing catch] Oh, man. That's it. Nice grab. Oh, yeah.

Dad: All right, Danny, your turn.

Walter: What? l didn't get my full turn!

Dad: Yeah you did. I counted. That was 25. That's what we said.

Walter: That's not fair!

Dad: lt's exactly fair. Come on, Danny. Time for your turn, then l gotta work for an hour.

Danny: [getting into place] You know, you're not the only one who gets a turn.

Walter: [miming] "The only one who gets a turn."

Dad: You know Joe. Nothing seem to bother him except being locked up.

[from trailer]

Riley: [Disgust pushed a button and pulls a short lever] School was great, all right?

Fear: What was that? I though you said we were gonna "act casual".

Mom: Riley! Is everything okay?

[Riley sighs]

Father's Fear: Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us!

Father's Anger: All right, make a show of force, I don't want to have to put the foot down.

Father's Fear: No! Not the foot...

Dad: Riley, I do not like this new attitude.

Anger: Oh, I show you attitude, old man!

Fear: No! No, no, no! Breath!

[He gets punched by Anger, and Anger pushes a red button hard]

Riley: What is your problem? Just leave me alone!

Father's Fear: Sir, reporting high levels of sass!

Father's Anger: Take it to DEFCON 2!

Father's Fear: DEFCON 2!

Dad: I don't know where this disrespectful attitude came from.

Anger: You want a piece of this, Pops?

Riley: Yeah, well...

Father's Anger: Prepare the foot!

Father's Fear: Keys to safety position!

[Father's emotions unlocks the foot and Father Fear is about to ready to hit the red button]

Father's Fear: Ready to launch on your command, sir!

Riley: [Anger hardly yells and pulls the lever as the explosion on the top of his head is on fire] Just shut up!

Father's Anger: Fire!

[Father Fear pushes the red button that releases the foot down]

Dad: That's it! Go to your room!

Father's Fear: The foot is down. The foot is down. Whoo!

[Father's emotions cheered]

Father's Anger: Good job, gentleman. That could have been a disaster.

Mother's Sadness: Well, that was a disaster.

[Riley is on the verge of tears after attempting to run away back to Minnesota after feeling very homesick]

Riley: I... I know you don't want me to, but... I miss home. I miss Minnesota. You need me to be happy, but I want my old friends, and my hockey team. I wanna go home. Please don't be mad.

[Riley's mother and father stare sadly at their daughter]

Mom: Oh, sweetie...

Dad: We're not mad. You know what? I miss Minnesota too. I miss the woods where we took hikes.

Mom: And the backyard where we used to play.

Dad: Spring Lake, where you used to skate.

[Riley breaks down in tears]

Dad: Come here.

[Riley, her mother, and her father all embrace in a group hug, consoling Riley]

Dad: [Trying to feed Riley broccoli] Here we go. All right, open.

Joy: Hmm... this looks new.

Fear: Think it's safe?

Sadness: What is it?

Disgust: Okay, caution, there is a dangerous smell, people. Hold on, what is that? That is not brightly colored or shaped like a dinosaur, hold on guys... it's... broccoli!

[presses buttons]

Riley: Yukee!

[flips bowl of broccoli on Dad]

Disgust: Well, I just saved our lives. Yeah, you're welcome.

Dad: Riley, if you don't eat your dinner you're not gonna get any dessert.

Anger: Wait, did he just say we couldn't have dessert?

[paces angrily]

Anger: So that's how you wanna play it, old man? No dessert? Oh sure, we'll eat our dinner, right after you eat THIS!

[presses buttons]

Riley: [starts crying and screaming]

Dad: Riley, Riley, here comes an airplane.

Anger: Oh, airplane. We got an airplane, everybody.

Joy, Fear, Sadness, Disgust: Ooooh!

[Riley eats broccoli]

[from the trailer]

Mom: We'll be back tomorrow night. Oh. If anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet.

Dad: He knows that.

Dad: And I need to use your phone to call...

Bob the Tomato: ...a tow truck.

Dad: ...my wife.

[as Bob dodges obstacles]

Dad: Tree!... Cabin!... Underwear!

[one of the outtakes, as Dad dodges obstacles while driving]

Dad: Tree!... Cabin!... Larry-Boy!

[the van suddenly runs into a clothes line on which Larry-Boy is hanging]

Larry: Hi, guys! What's up?

Dad, Mother: [singing "Blackbird"] Blackbirds singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

Dad: Look, they have a puppy pit.

Mother: [sarcastically] That is so hygienic.

Dad: Meet your new baby brother

[Tim has just learned his dad is dying of cancer]

Tim: It's just... I though with the time thing...

Dad: No, I never said we could fix things. I specifically never said that. Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are. Look at Jesus: he was the son of a God, for God's sake and look how that turned out.

Tim: I know... You must see I feel a bit cheated.

Dad: Don't. In fact, feel the opposite. The only people who give up work at 50 are the time travelers with cancer who want to play more table tennis with their sons.

[giving his father-of-the-bridegroom speech at Tim and Mary's wedding]

Dad: I'd only give one piece of advice to anyone marrying. We're all quite similar in the end. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times. But try and marry someone kind. And this is a kind man with a good heart. I'm not particularly proud of many things in my life, but I am very proud to be the father of my son.

Dad: You can't kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy.

Dad: Life's a mixed bag, no matter who you are.

Tim: What do you think of her?

Dad: I like her more than you already.

Tim: Oh look! I've forgotten this. Jimmy Fontana, Il Mondo.

Dad: Greatest record ever recorded by an Italian who looks like he's got a dead badger on his head.

Dad: Mum's throwing a Christmas party slash political rally. It's like the G8 summit with Scotch eggs.

Bridget: Really sorry, Dad. Not to know about the father.

Dad: Don't be daft. I know dozens of people who could have been anybody's.

Bridget: So, you're not disappointed? You don't think I belong on Jerry Springer?

Dad: Not a bit. I'm thrilled. Actually, I'm not sure if you're mine, or that nice Lieutenant Colonel's who ran the bowls club.

Bridget: Hm.

Dad: Only joking. You're got my feet. I've always had very dainty feet.

Dad: I just didn't think you had it in you.

Thomas: I know. Sorry I let you down.

Dad: No, I literally didn't think you had this in you. So uh, how many people were here?

Thomas: Uh, 15 hundred. Couple thousand maybe.

Dad: Wow.

Thomas: You should have seen it. It was awesome.

Dad: Well, you're still fucked Thomas.

Mom: I'm just worried.

Dad: About what?

Mom: I don't know. Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend.

Dad: Oh please. Come on honey, he's 17 years old.

Mom: That's what I'm worried about.

Dad: Let's be realistic here. This is Thomas we're talking about. He's not exactly Mr. Popular.

Mom: What is that supposed to mean?

Dad: I'm just saying that he's not that type of kid, you know. He's got a couple friends, they're gonna hang out, but they're not gonna do anything. He's a sweet kid, but he's a loser.

Mom: Come on honey, food's ready.

Dad: [listening to girls on walkie talkie] I'm not hungry!

Dad: Ciggy?

Bridget Jones: No. No thanks. I've given up again.

Dad: Shame. I find them very useful. I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things actually get worse.

Dad: How much? You've got to be joking.

Bouncer 2: No concessions for senior citizens.

Dad: I was proud of my work. And the buildings went up. When they were finished the damnedest thing happened. It was like the buildings were too good for us. Nobody told us that. It just felt uncomfortable, that's all.

Dad: What is this?

Mom: It's sauteed zucchini.

Dad: It's I-ty food. I don't want no I-ty food.

Mom: It's not. I got it at the A&P. It's like... squash.

Dad: I know I-ty food when I hear it! It's all them "eenie" foods... zucchini... and linguine... and fettuccine. I want some American food, dammit! I want French Fries!

Mom: [to the cat] Oh, get off the table, Fellini!

Dad: Hey, that's *my* cat! His name's Jake, not Fellini! I won't have any "eenie" in this house!

[to the cat]

Dad: Your name's Jake, you understand?

Dad: He's never tired. He's never miserable.

Mom: He's young.

Dad: When I was young I was tired and miserable.

Dave: Buon giorno, papa!

Dad: I'm not "papa." I'm your god-damned father.

Dad: I dreamed all last night, that everyone I ever sold a car to came back for a refund. And there you were, handing out the checks! One for you, and one for you...

Dave: Everybody cheats. I just didn't know.

Dad: Well, now you know.

Mom: What's the matter?

Dad: He's shavin'.

Mom: Well... so what?

Dad: ...his legs.

Dad: What are we gonna do about him?

Mom: I don't know dear. We could always strangle him while he's asleep.

Dad: You guys still go swimmin' in the quarries?

Dave: Sure.

Dad: So, the only thing you got to show for my 20 years of work is the holes we left behind?

Dad: Refund? Refund? Are you crazy! Refund? Refund? Refund?

Dad: No, I don't feel lucky to be alive! I feel lucky I'm not dead. There's a difference.

Dad: What's the matter? What are you cryin' for? I think you lost your wallet or something. I didn't want you to be this miserable. A little bit's all I asked for.

Dad: God-damned see-thru coffee!

Mom: He was very sickly until he started riding around on that bicycle.

Dad: Yeah... well... now his body's fine, but his mind is gone.

Dave: Pop, can I have this Saturday off?

Dad: Hell no!

Dave: Eh, just this once, Pop. The Italians are coming Saturday.

Dad: I don't care if the second coming's coming!

Dad: If you eat so much, Moocher, how come you're so damned small?

Moocher: Oh... It's my metabolism. I eat 3 times a day and my metabolism eats 5 times a day.

Dave: You mean we might be a father?

Dad: No. I might be a father. And your mom might be a mother. And YOU might be a brother. See, that way I keep it all in the family.

Moocher: Wow! Hey, I didn't think people your age...

Dad: The next word may be your last, kid!

Dave: Italianos - like the nightingales they sing. Like the eagles they fly!

Dad: Speakin' of flies, eh, you brought a helluva lot of flies in with you.

Dave: Did you know that fly in Italian is 'mosca'?

Dad: Did you know in English it's 'pest'?

Dad: You know, them college boys ain't so smart. I sold one of my worst cars to one of 'em today. They ain't too smart.

Mom: Well, you could use some help. What if you gave him a job?

Dad: I don't want him sellin' used cars!

Mom: Why not? It's good enough for you.

Dad: Who says its good enough for me?

Mom: You do.

Dad: Damn right, it's good enough for me. But, I don't need any help. And he'd ruin me if I hired him. A weirdo kid like that. Jeez.

Dad: How you feelin'?

Dave: Tired, Pop.

Dad: Exhausted.

Dave: Yeah.

Dad: Good. Get used to it. From now on its gonna be more of the same. Let's go home.

Dave: Hell, I don't want to go to college Dad. To hell with them. I'm proud of being a cutter.

Dad: You're not a cutter. I'm a cutter.

Dad: [after Dave has taken his college entrance exam] What? Are you afraid?

Dave: Yeah, a little bit. And then there's the rest of the guys.

Dad: Well, you took the exam. Did all right, didn't you?

Dave: Yes.

Dad: Well, that's - that's good.

Dad: [Last lines] Hi ya, big shot!

Dave: Bon jour, Papa!

Stevo: Wait, time out. I just wanted to ask real quick, if I can. You believe in rebellion, freedom and love, right?

Mom: Absolutely, yes.

Dad: Rebellion, freedom, love.

Stevo: You two are divorced. So love failed. Two: Mom, your a New Ager, clinging to every scrap of Eastern religion that may justify why the above said love failed. Three: Dad, you're a slick, corporate, preppy-ass lawyer. I don't really have to say anything else about you do I dad? Four: You move from New York City, the Mecca and hub of the cultural world to Utah! Nowhere! To change nothing! More to perpetuate this cycle of greed, fascism and triviality. Your movement of the people, by and for the people got you... nothing! You just hide behind some lost sense of drugs, sex and rock and roll. Ooooh, Kumbaya! I am the future! I am the future of this great nation which you, father, so arrogantly saved this world for. Look, I have my own agenda. Harvard, out. University of Utah, in. I'm gonna get a 4.0 in damage. I love you guys! Don't get me wrong, it's all about this. But for the first time in my life, I'm 18 and I can say "FUUUUUCK YOU!"

Dad: Steven, I didn't sell out son. I bought in. Keep that in mind. That kid's gonna make a hell of a lawyer, huh?

Mom: Yeah, he takes after his father. He's a son of a bitch.

Dad: Well fuck you dear.

Stevo: You're a Nazi!

Dad: Nazi, I'm Jewish, Steven, how can I be a Nazi?

Stevo: That's the worst. Dad, look at this. What kinda, what kinda car is this?

Dad: That would be a Porshe.

Stevo: A Porshe, that you bought at a Volkswagen dealership. Volkswagen, right? For the people who designed it? Who made that possible, Let me give you a hint, Adolf Hitler.

Dad: IT'S JUST A CAR!

Mum: [to son] Honey, you go do a poo-poo. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Dad: Danny Glover had nothing to be afraid of in "Lethal Weapon 2."

Dad: Lots of people have died on the toilet.

Mum: Like who?

Dad: Elvis.

Mum: He died on the bathroom floor.

Dad: Yeah. Died on the toilet and then fell over.

Dad: Call the plumber now. It's an emergency!

Dad: The only way to win is by playing fair.

Dad: Want some cake? It's very, um, stale...

Dad: ...the entertainment industry is an impossible road, full of obstacles... now we admire your ambition Joe, ambition is everything... you've got to follow your dream... that way when you fail, you can always say, well at least you tried...

Dad: Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?

Joe: Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all fucked up!

Andrea: [voice over] Hi, I'm not a virgin anymore.

[out loud]

Andrea: Goodnight.

Dad: Goodnight, dear.

Dad: Who is THIS offending beast?

[first lines]

Mona Gray: [narrating] I used to love my dad's stories, until the one he told me on my tenth birthday.

Dad: There once was a kingdom where everybody lived forever. But the problem with nobody ever dying was that the kingdom got very crowded. And so the king, getting squeezed out of his own castle by his endless royal lineage, issued a decree.

King: [still-life cartoon] Everybody in my kingdom, please pick one person from your family to die. We will have a mass execution that will bring forth much-needed space. Sorry to bum everybody out, but that's the way it goes.

Dad: And each family showed up with their martyr, all except one family.

Father: Sire, we can't decide. We love each other so much that we would all like to die together.

Baker: Oh, no, they can't all die. They run the bakery. They make the best cinnamon buns in all the land.

Father: What if we each cut off a piece of ourselves? And with all of these pieces combined, it will be as if one less person lived in town.

King: Interesting. Hmm. Continue.

Dad: But the daughter refused.

Daughter: But, Dad, I like my limbs.

Father: Don't be selfish. Would you rather one of us die?

Son: You can have my arm.

Mother: I'll give my right ear.

Baker: I see no problem losing some of my fingers.

Father: I'll throw in my nose.

King: Guarantee me a leg, and it's a deal.

Daughter: Well, I do have another one. Okay, I'm in.

Dad: After the executioner had done the deed, the family made an unsightly sight and business went bad. So the family started selling their cinnamon buns by mail order to the next kingdom. And since no one had to look at them, they were a huge hit, and they made heaps of dough. And the father said to the daughter, "You see what we can accomplish if we all stick together?"The end.

Mona Gray: [party guests all staring at Mona's Dad] It was the last birthday party I ever had.

Dad: She'll never find an apartment with a toilet as strong as ours.

Alex: Hey dad, there's a strange fella sittin' on the sofa munchy-wunching lomticks of toast.

Dad: That's Joe. He lives here now. The lodger, that's what he is. He rents your room.

Alex: Where's my snake?

Dad: Well, he... he met with like an accident. He passed away.

Dad: Come in and close the door. Are you afraid?

[Fenton nods]

Dad: Of what?

Young Fenton: You, you.

Dad: Only demons should fear me. You're not a demon, are you? The angel said you were. I can't believe that. I won't. You're my son, and I love you more than my own life. You know what's funny about all this, Fenton? I'm afraid of you.

Dad: You can't make things like that up, son. Killing people is wrong, destroying demons is good. Don't worry, God will send you your own list when you're older.

Dad: You didn't think anyone knew about that, did you? But God saw you!

[Dad picks up his axe]

Dad: And you can't escape God's wrath!

Dad: We don't kill people, we destroy demons.

Dad: I never killed a man in my whole life!

Dad: I never killed a man before tonight.

Young Fenton: I've seen you kill plenty.

Dad: Ain't that Travis kid the boy whose been givin' you trouble at school?

Young Adam: Yep. He's a demon.

Dad: You did good today, kiddo.

Dad: You're my son, and I love you more than my own life. But you know what's funny about all of this, Fenton? I'm afraid of you...

Dad: May God welcome you, and keep you.

Dad: Do it like I showed you, the neck is first.

Young Fenton: These are people's names!

Dad: They may look like people on the outside, but inside...

Dad: Don't cry for her son, she wasn't human.

Young Fenton: But Dad, that doesn't make any sense.

Dad: I know it sounds that way, son, but it's the truth.

Dad: What has to be done has to be done. So, kiddo, does it have to be done?

Young Adam: What is that, Dad?

Dad: That's a demon, son.

Dad: Do you see what you made me do? You made me commit murder...

Young Fenton: I didn't make you do anything. You did! You're crazy!

Dad: I still can't figure out what these gloves are for...

Dad: I'm just yolkin' with ya, egghead.

[Dad wakes up both Young Fenton and Young Adam to tell them about his first sign from God]

Dad: I need you both to listen to me very carefully. Something's happen.

Adam Meiks: [voice-over] He said he had a vision, a vision from God.

[Dad see's the reflection of white light off the trophy]

Adam Meiks: An angel came to him and told him the truth of this world. And revealed God's special purpose for are family.

Dad: The end of the world is coming, it's near. The angel showed me. There are demons among us, the Devil has released them for the final battle. It's being fought, right now. But, nobody knows it except us and others like us.

Young Adam: I'm scared dad.

Dad: There's nothing to be afraid of tiger. We've been chosen by God, he'll protect us. We've been given special jobs to do. We don't fear these demons, we destroy them. We pick them up one-by-one and we pitch them out of this world. That's God's purpose for us. The Angel called us God's hands.

Young Adam: So we're like superheroes?

Dad: That's right. We're a family of superheroes who are going to help save the world.

Young Fenton: But dad, that doesn't make any sense.

Dad: I know it sounds that way, son. But it's the truth.

Young Adam: So, what are our superhero powers?

Dad: Well... we can see the demons, when other people can't. And the Angel told me that God would be sending us three weapons to destroy them with.

Young Adam: Magical weapons?

Dad: I imagine so.

Young Adam: When do we get 'em?

Dad: I don't know the Angel just said soon. That's all I was told except that, we're not suppose to tell anybody about any of this, absolutely no one. If you do, you put them and ourselves in danger. Fenton... don't worry it's okay. It's a lot to understand. I wanted to wait to tell you 'til once I had the chance to figure it out myself. But the angel said I, I had to do it now. Fenton?

Adam Meiks: [voice-over] I didn't know what to say or how to feel.

Dad: Do you understand what I told you? Judgment day is here.

Adam Meiks: [voice-over] I was too messed up to understander. End knowledge.

Dad: Soon we'll all be in heaven. Me, you, Adam, with mommy...

Adam Meiks: [voice-over] I didn't realize it at that moment, at least not consciously, but my happy and mostly secure world had just flipped over, and there were dark things under there...

Dad: Judgment day is here...

Adam Meiks: [voice-over] Very dark things.

Dad: We've been chosen by God.

Adam Meiks: [voice-over] And my little boy's mind just couldn't take it.

[Dad comes home and shows Young Fenton and Young Adam their first Demon out in the shed, Cynthia Harbridge]

Young Adam: Dad?

Dad: Come on out here, Adam.

[turns to Fenton]

Dad: Shine that light over here.

Young Adam: Hey dad, who is that?

Dad: That's a demon, son. Come on in here, boys, it's all right. Come on, don't be afraid.

[closes them in the shed as the boys stare, frightened and stunned]

Adam Meiks: [voice-over of Dad going to find the first demon] God had come to Dad earlier that day and told him that the time had come. After work he drove down to Jacksonville, about forty-five minutes or so southwest of Thurman. He said he had never been there before but he had no trouble finding it, God was leading him.

Dad: [Dad watches Ms. Harbridge walk outside her front door] Cynthia Harbridge?

Cynthia Harbridge: [turning around surprised] Yes?

[Dad then hits her in the head with the metal pipe]

Young Fenton: [Dad grabs for the ax] Dad don't! Please don't!

Dad: Fenton, if I could spare you of this I would. But we are God's servants, and his will must be served! Don't be afraid, son.

[Dad finally leans down to reveal Ms. Harbridge's sins]

[In the Rose Garden we hear Young Adam dumping the remains of the demon Cynthia Harbridge into the hole]

Dad: No, Adam. Do it like this.

[Dad correctly shows Adam to pour the limbs out of the bag and into the hole]

Dad: It's got to be done a certain way. The Angel was real specific.

Young Adam: [Fenton cries next to them] Why out here in the Rose Garden?

Dad: God chose it, just like he chose us, I suppose. Don't cry for her, Fenton! She wasn't human. Didn't you see that when I touched her?

Young Adam: I saw it, Dad!

[Young Adam and Dad smile at each other]

Young Fenton: [Fenton looks at his father in tears] You killed her...

Dad: I didn't kill her, son, I destroyed her. She was a demon. You know, I wasn't so sure I could do it myself. I mean, she looked like a woman to me, too. But after I touched her... all I could see is the evil. And I had to do it. I'm sorry you didn't see it too, you will next time.

Young Fenton: You're gonna do it again!

Dad: This is our job now, son. You have to accept that.

Young Fenton: I won't let you!

Dad: You can't stop it; we're doing God's work here.

Young Fenton: I'll tell!

Dad: If you do, somebody will die. The Angel was clear on that, do you understand? Answer me, Fenton, do you understand?

[the story fades out and brings us back into the present time]

Agent Wesley Doyle: So you didn't tell?

Adam Meiks: No. I should've, but I was afraid. I mean, I loved my father but I was terrified of him.

[Dad, Young Fenton and Young Adam return to the shed with the second demon, Edward March]

Dad: Edward March?

[Edward March wakes up]

Dad: You think that's an innocent man there, but it's not.

[Dad reaches to touch the head of Edward March to reveal his sins]

Dad: You didn't think anybody knew about that, did you? But God saw you!

Young Fenton: Dad, don't! Please!

Dad: [Dad closes the shed window and raises the ax over Edward March] And you can't escape God's wrath!

[Afterwards, we see Dad, Young Fenton and Young Adam burying the second demon in the Rose Garden]

Dad: I still can't believe you didn't see it. He was a murderer of little children, Fenton. Babies... babies.

[Dad walks off]

Young Fenton: He's the murderer. We got to get out of here, Adam.

Young Adam: What do you mean?

Young Fenton: We gotta run away. I told you we were gonna have to.

Young Adam: I don't want to run away.

Young Fenton: [Fenton continues to dump the limbs into the hole] We have to.

Young Adam: Why?

Young Fenton: Listen to me, Adam... Dad kills people.

Young Adam: No he doesn't! He's a demon slayer.

Young Fenton: That's all lies, Adam.

Young Adam: No, it's not, I see it when he touches them.

Young Fenton: No, you don't. Dad's brainwashed you, it's all a big lie. He's a murderer and you help him.

Young Adam: Nuh-uh! We're just serving God's will. I'm telling Dad on you!

Young Fenton: Adam! Adam!

[Adam runs off]

[Young Fenton joins Dad at the kitchen table early in the morning]

Dad: I want you to know,I've never killed anything in my whole life.

Young Fenton: That's a lie and you know it.

Dad: I did a lot of thinking and praying after you went to bed. I asked the Angel to visit you, instead he visited me. He told me something... that I don't want to believe.

Young Fenton: What?

Dad: It doesn't matter, because together you and I are going to prove him wrong. You just don't have any faith, that's why you can't see the truth. But we're going to change that.

[Dad and Young Fenton stand outside next to the backyard shed]

Dad: I want you to dig a hole right here. It needs to be about ten feet deep, fifteen feet wide on both sides. The length and width should form a perfect square.

Young Fenton: What?

Dad: You heard me.

Young Fenton: Why?

Dad: Because I'm your father and you do what I tell you. Understand? Do you?

Young Fenton: Yes sir.

Dad: Alright then, I expect half that to be done by the time I get home from work tonight.

Young Fenton: Dad, I can't do that.

Dad: Pray!

Adam Meiks: [voice-over showing Young Fenton digging the hole] I started digging that goddamn hole, but I did not pray. I would not. I hated God, I despised him. My hatred helped me dig, kept me going. Dad's, or God's, or the Angel's or whoever's plan it was would not work on me. I knew what Dad was doing was wrong, and nothing was gonna change that.

Dad: What are they?

Michael: Piggy banks.

Dad: Exactly. And what do you do if you need money?

Michael: Ask you?

Dad: Most of us just get messily ever after

[Sam is making a video phone call from the Moon to his home on Earth, while covering the camera with his hand]

Eve: Hello?

Sam Bell: Is this the Bell residence?

Eve: This is the Bell residence. Could you call back? There's something wrong with the picture.

Sam Bell: I'm trying to reach Tess Bell.

Eve: I'm sorry, she passed away some years ago.

[long pause]

Sam Bell: Are you sure?

Eve: Yeah, I think so. I'm her daughter. Can I help you?

Sam Bell: ...Eve?

Eve: Yeah.

Sam Bell: Hi! Hi, Eve. How old... How old are you now?

Eve: I'm 15. Do I know you?

Sam Bell: Sweetheart... How did mommy die, sweetheart? How did mommy die?

Eve: [turns around and calls to someone off-screen] Dad!

Dad: Yeah.

Eve: There's someone asking about mom.

Dad: Who's asking about mom?

[Sam immediately breaks off the call]

Dad: [Mason Jr. bowls a gutterball] Alright, don't worry about it.

Mason: I wish I could use the bumpers...

Dad: You don't want the bumpers, life doesn't give you bumpers.

Mason: Dad, there's no real magic in the world, right?

Dad: What do you mean?

Mason: You know, like elves and stuff. People just made that up.

Dad: Oh, I don't know. I mean, what makes you think that elves are any more magical than something like a whale? Yoy know what I mean? What if I told you a story about how underneath the ocean, there was this giant sea mammal that used sonar and sang songs and it was so big that its heart was the size of a car and you could crawl through the arteries? I mean, you'd think that was pretty magical, right?

Mason: So what's the point?

Dad: Of what?

Mason: I don't know, any of this. Everything.

Dad: Everything? What's the point? I mean, I sure as shit don't know. Neither does anybody else, okay? We're all just winging it, you know? The good news is you're feeling stuff. And you've got to hold on to that.

Dad: [while canvassing for the 2008 Presidential Election] Hey, grab that McCain sign, would you?

Mason: Dad, isn't that illegal?

Dad: Just put it in the car. I'm being patriotic.

Dad: Top of volume two, first four tracks. You've got "Band on the Run" into "My Sweet Lord" into "Jealous Guy" into "Photograph." Come on! It's like the perfect segue. You've got Paul who takes you to the party, George who talks to you about God, John is just "No, it's about love and pain" and then Ringo who just says "Hey, can't we enjoy what we have while we have it?"

Dad: Is she cute?

Mason: Yeah.

Dad: All right, well, here's what you do, all right, first off you gotta ask a girl a lot of questions, then you have to listen to the answers, actually be interested in her, all right, If you can do those things, you'll be light years ahead of all the other guys.

Dad: Am I... am I your only ex at this party?

Mom: [chuckles] Yes. I'm not your only wife here though.

Dad: [frustrated with the monosyllabic answers Mason Jr. and Samantha are giving him] No, no, no. I'm not gonna be *that* guy. You know, the "biological father, who I see on the weekends, and I make small talk with him while he drives me places and buys me shit." No.

Samantha: Dad, these questions are kind of hard to answer.

Dad: What's so hard to answer about "what sculpture are you making"?

Samantha: It's abstract!

Dad: Have you heard of Sarah Palin?

Samantha: Yes.

Dad: What's the one thing you know about Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter?

Samantha: She's pregnant.

Dad: That's right and what is the one thing you are *not* going to be in a couple of years when you turn 17?

Samantha: Pregnant?

Dad: That's right. All right now, what are the two ways that you can achieve that goal? First is... not have any sex, okay, that's the first way, okay, just not engage in that that did not work out very well for your mother and me; and what's the second way?

[Mason tries to leave]

Dad: Where are you going?

Mason: Bathroom.

Dad: You don't want to go to the bathroom. Sit down Mason, just sit down.

[looks towards Samantha]

Dad: What's the second way? Huh?

[looks towards Mason]

Dad: Is your mother talked to you guys about this stuff?

Samantha: [shy and embarrassed] No. Dad. Dad.

Dad: Wait, no, she talked to you about... contraception? Huh? What? Is she... condoms...

Samantha: No, dad, please, stop.

Dad: She talked about it? What? What?

Samantha: Dad!

Dad: Does Garett have a condom?

Samantha: Oh god! Dad!

Dad: Listen, have you noticed anything weird about our Billy lately?

Tony: What are you after like, a list?

[Billy is dancing while walking]

Dad: Is that absolutely necessary? Walk normal!

Billy: So, what's it like, like?

Dad: What's what like?

Billy: London.

Dad: I don't know, son. I never made it past Durham.

Billy: Have you never been?

Dad: Why would I want to go to London?

Billy: It's the capital city!

Dad: Well, there are no mines in London.

Billy: Jesus Christ, is that all you think about?

Michael: Oi! Dancing boy!

Dad: [Billy turns around and starts running to him] We'll miss the bus, Billy!

Tony: Can you stop being an old fucking woman?

Billy: [approaches Michael, then after a moment, kisses him on the cheek] See you then.

[smiles and runs off]

Grandma: I used to go to ballet.

Billy: See?

Dad: All right for your Nana, for girls. No, not for lads, Billy. Lads do football... or boxing... or wrestling. Not friggin' ballet.

Dad: I'm bustin' my ass for those 50 pences and you're - look, from now on, you stay here and look out for your Nana. Got that? Good.

Grandma: They used to say I could have been a professional dancer if I'd had the trainin'!

Dad: WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Billy: I hate you! You're a bastard!

Billy: I think I'm scared, Dad.

Dad: That's okay, son. We're all scared.

Billy: Well... if I don't like it, can I still come back?

Dad: Are you kidding? We've let out your room.

[straight face then laughter]

Michael: Oi, dancing boy!

[Billy runs to Michael]

Dad: We'll miss the bus, Billy!

Tony: Will you stop being an old fucking woman?

Dad: Martha!

Dad: [as demon]

[shouts]

Dad: You've... been... BAD!

Tommy: I wish I could go up there with you.

Dad: Well, we'll just have to see to it that you get your wish.

Tommy: Promise?

Dad: With Ace as my witness, I promise.