Mitch Quotes in Batman: The Killing Joke (2016)

Mitch: I don't know where he is, I swear to God.

Bruce Wayne: Swear To *me*.

Charlie: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

Mitch: Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

Samantha: Easy, sport. I got myself outta Beirut once, I think I can get outta New Jersey.

Mitch: Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

Mitch: You're telling me that you're gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?

Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Hennessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people - so we're just gonna have to do it for real. Blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding.

Mitch: Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!

Samantha: I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.

Mitch: Huh? What? Virgin - ? What?

Samantha: Read it in this Harold Robbins book. Guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?

Mitch: No, no, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."

Mitch: I will see to it you will spend the next ten years in prison getting ass fucked. And if the case is thrown out because my arrest was too violent, I will personally hire men to ass fuck you for the next ten years. So, if you're an ass fucking fan, you go ahead and mouth off.

Mitch: I'm goin' in.

Charlie: You can't there's too many of them.

Mitch: Well kill them for me, bitch! What else you good for?

Samantha: What happened?

Mitch: I saved your ass. It was great.

[Nathan hands his gun to Charlie, then pulls out a second]

Mitch: Jesus, old man, how many of those you got?

Nathan: Three. One shoulder, one hip and one down here, right next to Mr. Wally, where most patdowns never reveal it, as even the most hardened federal agent is often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?

Mitch: Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?

Mitch: [humming to Muddy Waters' "Mannish Boy"] . Da, da, da, da-da-da, got my hand gun, Da, da, da, da-da-da, got a rifle too, Da, da, da, da-da-da, Anybody fucks with Mitch, he knows just what to do, 'cause.I'm a...

[really jamming]

Mitch: ... bad motherfucker!

Mitch: [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio] I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...

Samantha: Movin' in.

Samantha: Huh?

Samantha: It's not linen. The song's not about linen.

Mitch: Whatever. You cold?

Samantha: I'm freezing.

Mitch: Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.

Samantha: I'll pass.

Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

Samantha: I know he has a pin in his leg, car accident. I... I know he cuts his own hair. He doesn't even own a TV. He... he sits when he pees...

Mitch: Hey, hey, hey. That's enough, I'm gettin' a boner here, all right?

Mitch: And what about your daughter, what's her name... Cathead?

Samantha: Caitlin.

Mitch: [after Mitch confesses that he's been in prison] Eight years ago, I was an Atlanta cop. My partner and I worked this fraud case together. That motherfucker hated me! I forget why, but he did. Anyway, some bonds went missing from the evidence room, and, when someone called Internal Affairs and they went searching through my closet, lo and behold, what did they find?

Samantha: The bonds. Your partner put them there, huh?

Mitch: No, no, I did. I stole the damn things.

[starts laughing, then after a long pause Samantha starts laughing. then another brief pause]

Mitch: . I never did one thing right in my life. Now that takes skill.

[while Mitch is creeping towards the truck to rescue Caitlin, Samantha covers him with a rifle. Two thugs appear and aim their guns at him, she takes them out quickly]

Mitch: Gracias.

Samantha: De nada.

Mitch: Sam... Ill be waiting for you to come and rescue me.

Samantha: Be just a minute...

Mitch: [shouting] THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T KILL ME MOTHERFUCKERS!

Samantha: Can I ask you something? Well, you seem kinda... low rent. No offense.

Mitch: [chuckles] None taken.

Frank: You are making big profits from my work, my risk, my sweat. But that is okay, because I elected to make that deal. But now, the deal is over. I want my end, and I am out.

Leo: Why don't you join a labor union?

Frank: I am wearing it.

Mitch: Frank, don't.

Attaglia: Do it slick.

Frank: My money in 24 hours, or you will wear your ass for a hat.

Lodge: Hey, Mitch.

Mitch: [drunkenly] Hey.

Lodge: Did you let the cat in?

Mitch: We have a cat?

Neil: What do we do Mitch?

Mitch: I dunno, I dunno!

Neil: You're the oldest!

Mitch: Not mentally!

Neil: [to the mob, about Norman] All night long he's been trying to save you guys.

Mitch: Yeah, but all you want to do is burn and murder stuff, burn and murder stuff, just burning and murdering.

Courtney: [after a night of adventure and danger with zombies and witches, Norman's sister tries to further her relationship with Neil's older brother, whom she regards as "ripped"] So, I was thinking, maybe we could catch a movie sometime. Nothing scary.

Mitch: [Mitch is looking around the town square, seeming a bit distracted, even calling her by the wrong name] That sounds great, Cathy. You know, you're gonna love my boyfriend. He's like a total chick-flick nut.

[last lines]

Mitch: [on the phone] Yeah. Yeah, I'm alright, I'm just a little... I guess I'm just tired.

Wooderson: Say, man, you got a joint?

Mitch: No, not on me, man.

Wooderson: It'd be a lot cooler if you diid.

Jodi: Is that a beer in your hand?

Mitch: Why, yes it is.

Jodi: Have you had more than one of those?

Mitch: Few. No one's counting.

Jodi: When were you supposed to be home?

Mitch: Few hours ago I think.

Jodi: Thats bullshit. That's major bullshit. You know I was barely let out at your age?

Mitch: Aww.

Jodi: Aww. Well don't think she won't be waiting up for you. And she is tough. I've been through it.

Mitch: Just don't ask her to take it easy on me.

Dawson: Not bad for a little freshman but you gotta watch out for older girls

Melvin Spivey: Hey. Come here. We just wanna know something. You gonna be fucking that tonight, or are you gonna be a little wimp?

Mitch: [laughs] How do you know I haven't already

Melvin Spivey: [clearly pleased, laughs] Go along man, I think its past your bedtime!

Slater: This place used to be off limits, man, 'cause some drunk freshman fell off. He went right down the middle, smacking his head on every beam, man. I hear it doesn't hurt after the first couple though. Autopsy said he had one beer, how many did you have?

Mitch: Four.

Slater: You're dead, man, you're so dead. Look at the blood stains right there.

Mrs. Kramer, Mitch's Mother: Have you been drinking?

Mitch: No

[falls on bed and can't even take off both boots]

Mrs. Kramer, Mitch's Mother: Are you drunk?

Mitch: [clearly drunk] Psshh

Mitch: [after seniors threaten him] Er, Mr. Payne. Sir. You know every second that you could let us out early would really increase our chances of survival.

Mr. Payne, junior high school teacher: It's like our sergeant told us before one trip into the jungle.

[shouts]

Mr. Payne, junior high school teacher: Men!

[the boys jump]

Mr. Payne, junior high school teacher: Fifty of you are leaving on a mission. Twenty-five of you ain't coming back.

Mitch: Okay.

Pink: It was vicious. Had some pretty cool seniors though. Like, they'd beat the hell out of you and then get you drunk, that sort of thing.

Mitch: Cool.

Mitch: Man I hate that guy, he's a jerk. He is a jerk, right?

Pink: Yeah. He's kind of a joke.

Jodi: Heard they got you pretty bad.

Mitch: Yeah.

Jodi: They just got Hersh too

Mitch: Was it bad?

Sabrina Davis: Yeah.

Mitch: Was it O'Bannion?

Sabrina Davis: I think so

Mitch: Man I hate that jerk!

Sabrina Davis: Hey I didn't know Jodi was you're big sister

Mitch: Oh, yeah

Jodi: Hey, I hear my name over here? You guys talking about me? Mitch, I heard they got you pretty bad. Those guys... you know I asked them to take it easy on you?

Mitch: What? Well no wonder!

Julie Simms: They actually let you buy it?

Mitch: Course

Slater: You cool man?

Mitch: Like how?

Slater: [rolling his eyes as he walks away] OK.

Pink: He was asking if you get high.

Mitch: Are you starting again next year?

Pink: I dunno man, I may not even play.

Julie Simms: You're Mitch, right? I think I heard about you.

Mitch: Oh really, what did you hear?

Julie Simms: I don't know, man, are you OK?

Mitch: [embarrassed] Oh... yeah.

[repeated line]

Mitch: Man I hate that guy!

Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."

Frank: Cock. Balls.

Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Weensie: [after learning he's going to be expelled] Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.

Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.

Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.

Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?

Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.

Beanie: Who's this guy?

Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?

Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.

Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.

Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.

Frank: A little housewarming gift.

Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

Frank: This model?

Mitch: That exact one.

Mitch: Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.

Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?

Beanie: Whose life is ruined?

Mitch: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

Nicole: I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?

Mitch: Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that.

Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

Mitch: Who's this guy?

Beanie: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.

Mitch: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?

Beanie: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.

Gang Bang Guy: Hello.

Mitch: Yeah?

Gang Bang Guy: I'm here for the gangbang...

Mitch: All I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation.

Mitch: What situation?

Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.

Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?

Dean Pritchard: Try again.

Beanie: Jevohah Witness?

Dean Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.

Mitch: Beanie, you remember, Cheese.

Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time?

Dean Pritchard: [aggitated] I got out.

Beanie: Cool, man.

Mitch: This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.

Mitch: You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this.

Beanie: For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area.

Mitch: It's a total felony.

Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.

Beanie: That's awesome.

Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

Frank: I love you, Dad.

Mitch: We were just sitting here like we were supposed to.

Richard Vernon: I don't want to hear it mister you just bought yourself another detention.

Mitch: That's not fair.

Richard Vernon: Cry me a river dickface, you just bought yourself another one.

Mitch: [under his breath] Shorts.

Richard Vernon: What was that?

Mitch: Eat... My... Shorts.

Richard Vernon: Don't mess with the bull young man you'll get the horns.

Mitch: I'm shaking.

Richard Vernon: You just got another.

Mitch: Good.

Richard Vernon: You Through?

Mitch: Not even close *BUD*?

Richard Vernon: You want another one?

Mitch: Yes.

Richard Vernon: You got it.

Mitch: Good.

Richard Vernon: That's another one, you had enough yet?

Mitch: No.

Richard Vernon: That's another one.

Mitch: So?

Richard Vernon: You just say the word I'll keep going.

Mitch: Go.

Richard Vernon: Eennie-meenie-mynie...?

Mitch: Mo.

Janey: I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat Tofu. I am a unique rebel.

Mitch: It sounds more like you're a lesbo.

Mr. Briggs: Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone.

Janey: Thank you, daddy.

Mr. Briggs: If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.

Mitch: No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.

Bruce: No longer we steal grandfather's porn.

Ox: No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.

Richard Vernon: [after giving Mitch detention when mouths off to him] You want another one?

Mitch: Yes...

Richard Vernon: You got it.

Mitch: Good!

Richard Vernon: That's another one. You had enough yet?

Mitch: No!

Richard Vernon: That's another one.

Mitch: So?

Richard Vernon: You just say the word and I'll keep going.

Mitch: Go!

Richard Vernon: Eeny meeny miney...?

Mitch: Mo!

Richard Vernon: Your mother was a...?

Mitch: Ho!

Richard Vernon: He was a famous clown...?

Mitch: Bobo!

Ox: Mitch, cut it out!

[Mitch looks at Ox, Ox mouths "stop!"]

Richard Vernon: [to Ox] That's another one for you.

Ox: But I was just...

Richard Vernon: That's another one.

Bruce: So, that make one more for Ox or for Mitch?

Richard Vernon: Another.

Bruce: I confused.

Richard Vernon: Shut your hole, Wang Chung. I got all three of you guys for the rest of your natural born lives. You're mine. Next time I come in here I'm

[Mitch mouths in unison]

Richard Vernon: cracking skulls.

[during song]

Mitch: Getting pussy, no matter what.

Bruce: Even if it with dirty slut.

Ox: True love is what I want the most.

Fat Short Order Cook: I just jerked off in your French toast.

Mitch: God, we're pathetic. How are we ever going to get laid before graduation?

Ox: Mitch, we're freshman.

Richard Vernon: ...Your mother was a...?

Mitch: Ho.

Richard Vernon: He was a famous clown.

Mitch: Bobo.

Ox: Mitch cut it out

[mouthing the word]

Ox: stop

Natalie: I read your article, and, well, I think you misquoted me.

Mitch: Nobody even knows it's you, just like you asked.

Natalie: But there are some lines in here I would have never said.

Mitch: Like what?

Natalie: 'You see enough unfaithful husbands and you start to get sickened by the whole notion of love. How can you trust men when you see them call their wives in front of you and say they love them after they just paid for sex? I don't think you can be in my industry and still believe in love. It's like being a scientist and believing in God.'

Mitch: Yeah, you definitely said all of that.

Natalie: I'd really like you to publish a retraction of that statement and revise it to say; 'You see enough unfaithful husbands and you start to question the notion of love and then when you finally experience it for yourself you see what all the fuss is about and you can't imagine not having that person in your life and you feel like the luckiest person in the world and you would do anything to make them feel the same way about you.'

Natalie: Sure, you can buy me a drink.

Mitch: Good to know.

Natalie: Is that how you treat a lady who shows interest?

Mitch: You asked for a free drink. You didn't show interest.

Natalie: Were you expecting a blow job right out of the gate?

Mitch: Offering something would indicate more interest than asking for something, so...

Natalie: You don't want to get to know each other first?

Mitch: Before I buy you a drink or before the blow job?

Natalie: I thought it was poor form to bring your work home with you.

Mitch: Well, you're a presentable piece of work.

Mitch: Okay, look, my family thinks that I'm kind of like, a big fuck-up, and, well, you're smart and pretty and personable. And if I were to bring someone like you home, they'd, you know, think I'm getting my shit together.

Natalie: You think I'm pretty?

Mitch: You think those artificial orgasm noises is what brings them back?

Natalie: Dude, I get *rave* reviews.

Mitch: Uh! I'll be sure to check out your Yelp page when I get home.

Natalie: Yeah, you should. Five stars.

Mitch: [to Natalie teasing her with the name] Monkey, why don't you write that down? First kiss.

Mitch: You could say that Victoria is just a character that you play, but you like this job. You revel in it. You're comfortable in it. 'Coz you're in control. You dictate the terms. You don't have to worry about being rejected by a bunch of guys who just want to cum all over you.

Natalie: And you're just a sad person who revels in his own self-loathing. I'll end the debate for you right now, Mitch. *You're not a sex addict. You're just a emotionally crippled child with low self-esteem who uses sex to numb his feelings. Your problem isn't sex. Your problem is reality. Sex is just your pathetic fucking Band-Aid.*

Mitch: You wanna know why they used to call me "Black Mitch"?

Colandrea 'Coco' Conners: Nobody called you that.

Mitch: Why do I get the feeling that I'm being royally screwed?

Joe: Because you are, Mitch.

Mitch: Why haven't we met Rachel?

Alan: Yeah! What the fuck?

Alan: I'm Alan Lombardo: stage 3 lymphoma. Pleased to meet you.

Mitch: Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.

Adam: Oh, I'm Adam Lerner, schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.

Alan: What the fuck is that?

Mitch: Tough break. The more syllables, the worse it is.

[Adam is getting chemotherapy]

Alan: Want a macaroon?

Adam: Thanks. I'm alright.

Alan: [whispering] There's weed in 'em.

Adam: I don't do weed.

Alan: C'mon. Just get high with us!

[Adam reluctantly eats a macaroon]

Mitch: How old are you?

Adam: Twenty-seven.

Alan: That's just the worst. A perfectly good youth wasted.

Mitch: Alan, stop it. Don't listen to him, he's just messing with you.

Alan: Listen to me, this cancer is bullshit. First your hair's going to fall out, then your balls'll shrink. And if that isn't enough, your dick becomes a constant source of disappointment.

[Alan and Mitch laugh]

Adam: I got to tell you, I was really nervous about this whole cancer thing, and then I met you guys, and boy do I feel better.

Mitch: [after being interrupted yet again, Mitch has had enough] Hey turn down the music for minute... Hey would you turn down the music?

Kid at Stereo: Dude, chill.

Mitch: Would you turn down the fucking music for a minute! Jesus!

[Mitch turns the power off on the stereo and turns to everyone]

Mitch: This is fucking bullshit! I have been here all goddamned day and you haven't let me say one thing! None of you!

Monty: Well, damn, Mitch, I...

Mitch: Oh, no, asshole! You shut the fuck up now. It's my turn to talk! You're all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you.

[points at Naomi]

Mitch: Change your fuckin' tampon and have another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!

[Points at Dean]

Mitch: And you! "Waaahh, I don't know what to be when I grow up!" Join the fucking army or something! Goddamn.

[Points at Calvin]

Mitch: Oh, and you! You know what? You're too easy. And you.

[Points to Monty]

Mitch: FUCK YOU MONTY! Always gotta be right, with your little quips! We get it, man. You're fuckin' edgy and cool. Yeah! You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz! WHOOO! That's like being the smartest kid with Down syndrome! Oh and, oh, yeah. Why aren't you in jail? I mean what

[looks at Natasha]

Mitch: are you like 13, 14?

Monty: She's almost 18.

Mitch: You know what? Fuck this! You all suck. I quit.

[Goes to leave and gets to the door and turns around]

Mitch: Oh, and yeah. There is one more thing.

[Points at Floyd]

Mitch: You... You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant.

[Floyd looks around to see if Mitch is actually talking to him]

Mitch: And I hope you burn in hell.

Floyd: Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man? Seriously?

Raddimus: [Mitch pulls down his pants and everyone says "Oh shit!] The goat! The goat, you bastard!

Mitch: [Mitch pulls up his pants and opens the door and walks out] Fuckin' faggots.

Monty: That was the shit!

[he runs out after Mitch]

Monty: Mitch! Mitch! Stop please. Look, look. Stop, stop. Okay I am sorry, and I hearby swear my undying allegiance to you. You are the fucking man.

Monty: [Standing in bathroom stall with his bare torso exposed] I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?

Mitch: Yeah.

Monty: Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay.

[gets dressed]

Monty: I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and again when I'm feeling squirrely, but that's about the extent of it.

Mitch: So you're the coolest guy at ShenaniganZ, big fucking deal! That's like being the smartest person with Down Syndrome!

Naomi: You really want to know why?

Monty: Yes I really do.

Naomi: Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!

[jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt]

Calvin, Mitch, Monty: OH! MY GOD!

Naomi: Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Monty: Its so angry!

Naomi: [screeches and hisses like cat]

Calvin: Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!

Naomi: Dinner is served!

Calvin: Well its official, my penis is now just for show.

Monty: Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.

Mitch: All Right. Fuck this, I Quit

Mitch: [looks around the room, sees Floyd] You. You are the biggest piece of shit at this entire restaurant. I hope you burn in hell.

Floyd: Me? What the fuck did I ever do to you? I mean seriously.

Mitch: What's it all about?

Cam Brady: America, Jesus, freedom.

Cam Brady: [as Cam sees Marty trying to open the door] Push it.

Mitch: Push it.

Marty Huggins: Push it, push it real good?

Cam Brady: People are taking this thing entirely out of context.

Mitch: No. You did punch that baby.

Cam Brady: Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby? I can barely make a fist!

Mitch: [to Cam] What are you pointin' to there, you got a book of bad ideas?

Mitch: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...

Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?

Mitch: No...

Chris Knight: Why am I the only one who has that dream?

Mitch: What are you doing?

Chris Knight: Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"

Chris Knight: Okay Mitch, I'm gonna make it up to you. Let's just pause, put that down. Let's just take a step back. No, I was wrong, I'm sorry, take a step forward. Now, take a step back. Step forward. Back. And then we're cha-cha-ing!

Mitch: Will you stop it? I'm serious!

Chris Knight: Okay, I'm serious too!

Mitch: But if I stay, what should I do?

Chris Knight: You get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.

[Chris is holding a lab beaker with pink liquid in it]

Chris Knight: Here Mitch, taste this. Go on, you won't hurt my feelings, just try it. What do you think, too sweet?

Mitch: What is it?

Chris Knight: I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.

[Mitch starts to induce vomiting]

Chris Knight: Relax, it's just yogurt.

[Kent opens his dorm room door to find his car inside]

Chris Knight: Hey Kent... That's your car.

Mitch: Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.

Kent: You've gone too far this time, Knight.

Chris Knight: [whiny, scared voice] I had help!

[points to Mitch]

Kent: You, huh? Well you won't get away with this. Doctor Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You'll rue the day!

Chris Knight: "Rue the day?" Who talks like that?

[last lines]

'Ick' Ikagami: Do you think it's getting weird around here?

Chris Knight: Absolutely.

Jordan: I didn't notice.

Mitch: I like it.

Jordan: Are you going to take me home to meet your parents?

Mitch: No.

Jordan: Why? Are you ashamed of me?

Mitch: No, them.

Jordan: Oh.

Mitch: [as he helps a hallway sledder up from a crash] Are you okay?

Jordan: [Removing helmet and talking rapidly] No, not emotionally, no I'm not. I'm disappointed, not terribly, but still. It should have gone much further much faster. It's okay, though, I know what the problem is. It's obviously the drag coefficient. I'll just have to redesign the blades. I can do that no problem. I can do that here. But after they're designed I got to cut them and that takes tools and time. Do you know how long this stuff is supposed to last?

'Ick' Ikagami: Maybe another half an hour?

Jordan: Oh that's great, that's good, I can do that no problem. Okay, what's your name?

Mitch: Mitch.

Jordan: Oh, thank you for your help, Mitch. Okay I'll see you later.

Mitch: [as she's leaving] You're welcome!

Mitch: [to Ick as Jordan rushes back] Who was that?

'Ick' Ikagami: That? Oh, that was...

Jordan: I'm Jordan. I forgot to tell you my name, I'm Jordan. I heard there was going to be someone new this term. Are you it?

Mitch: Yeah.

Jordan: Do you have a bed?

Mitch: Yeah.

[a surprised look hits Mitch's face as his mind registers the question]

Jordan: [not missing a beat] Oh. I was going to make you one if you didn't have one, but you have one. Okay, bye.

Chris Knight: You didn't touch anything, did you?

Mitch: No.

Chris Knight: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy."

Mitch: What is it?

Chris Knight: It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?

Mitch: No!

Chris Knight: I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.

Chris Knight: [while Mitch is packing to leave] If you want to leave, go ahead. But, uh... you're going to miss the fun.

Mitch: What fun?

Chris Knight: Ick invented a new virus and we're going to release it in Kent's room.

[to Chris]

Mitch: You have to get even with Jerry Hathaway. "It's a moral imperative."

Dr. Meredith: A bit of advice...

Mitch: Oh, uh, thank you...

Dr. Meredith: Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.

Mitch: Uh... ok... thank you. I'd better be going.

[leaves]

Dr. Meredith: [to his wife] I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?

Mitch: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?

Chris Knight: You've seen him too?

Mitch: Who is he?

Chris Knight: Hollyfeld.

Mitch: Why does he keep going into our closet?

Chris Knight: Why do you keep going into our closet?

Mitch: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.

Chris Knight: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.

Mitch: Yeah...

Chris Knight: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

'Ick' Ikagami: It worked!

Mitch: That's neat!

'Ick' Ikagami: Now if we can just keep it from exploding!

Kent: Explo-?

[rushes into his room]

Chris Knight: Hey Ick, you were just kidding about exploding, right?

[starts to notice no one else is there any longer]

Chris Knight: Ick? It's a joke, right?

Mitch: He lied to us.

Chris Knight: It's easy to lie to you, Mitch. You trust people. I'm a cynic.

Chris Knight: Kent puts his name on his license plate.

Mitch: My mom does the same thing to my underwear.

Chris Knight: Your mom puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?

[Mitch Taylor speaking through the microphone so that Kent hears voices in his head]

Mitch: And from now on, stop playing with yourself.

Kent: It *is* God.

Air Force SP at Gate: IDs?

Chris Knight: Hey, could you snap it up buddy, we just flew in, we're tired, we're hungry, we rented this stupid car...

Mitch: Are you out of your mind?

Chris Knight: Shh. We've got to intimidate these guys. Be cool. It's okay.

Air Force SP at Gate: You're not on the list.

Chris Knight: List. We're not on the list. Yeah, that's because we're classified.

Mitch: Yeah.

Air Force SP at Gate: [on checkpoint phone in background] Security. Yes, sir.

Air Force SP at Gate: Aren't you guys a little young to be technicians?

Chris Knight: Yeah, well, lasers are a young science... okay, there, fine, you made me say it. Now we're both in trouble!

Air Force SP at Gate: Look, I'll call the duty officer.

[guard turns]

Mitch: Uh.

Chris Knight: [calling guard back] Hey, uh, there, uh, airborne!

Chris Knight: Don't do that. Listen, if you make that call it's our job: we're four hours late. Give us a break, will ya' buddy? Someday you might be in the private sector too, right?

Mitch: Yeah.

Chris Knight: [as guard turns again] We're dead.

Mitch: Oh, no.

Chris Knight: [as guard surprisingly waves them through] All right!

Mitch: [holding his fake ID badge] What if these don't fool anybody?

Chris Knight: They shoot us.

[In the men's room]

Jordan: Are you peeing?

Mitch: Uh, I can't start.

Jordan: Because I'm here?

Mitch: I think so.

Jordan: Weird. Well I have to go.

Mitch: Me too.

Professor Hathaway: Mitch, will you miss your friends?

Mitch: Well, no. I think I intimidate other kids.

Professor Hathaway: Good boy.

Mitch: This is coherent light.

Mitch's dad: Oh, so it talks.

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?

[holds up one finger]

Curly: This.

Mitch: Your finger?

Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean shit.

Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?"

Curly: [smiles] That's what *you* have to find out.

Bonnie Rayburn: [listening to the guys talk baseball] Ugh, baseball.

Ed Furillo: You've got something against baseball?

Bonnie Rayburn: It's just I used to live with a guy who was like a baseball encyclopedia and I just got flashes.

Phil Berquist: You broke up with him 'cause of baseball?

Bonnie Rayburn: Uh, no, we had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.

Mitch: Ouch.

Phil Berquist: So, do you hate baseball?

Bonnie Rayburn: No, I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys could spend so much time discussing it. I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960.

Mitch: Don Hoak.

Ed Furillo, Phil Berquist: Don Hoak!

Mitch: Beat you.

Bonnie Rayburn: See, that's exactly what I mean.

Phil Berquist: So, what do you and your friends talk about out there?

Bonnie Rayburn: Well, real life. Relationships. Are they working? Are they not? Who's she seeing? Is that working?

Ed Furillo: No contest. We win.

Bonnie Rayburn: Why?

Ed Furillo: Honey, if that were as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.

Paramedic: I only got room for one of you.

Dean: I'm the father...

Patrick: I'm the boyfriend...

Mitch: [points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.

Paramedic: That's nice, but I still only got room for one of you.

Mitch: You know, living at your parents' place isn't exactly... grabbing life by the balls, you know?

Aram Finklestein: I thought I'd met my soul mate.

Mitch: You met a really hot French girl who needed a green card.

Aram Finklestein: She was just so...

Mitch: Hot!

Aram Finklestein: It wasn't that.

Mitch: Sexy.

Aram Finklestein: It was something else. She needed me.

Mitch: Yes, to get a green card.

Mitch: I just... Man, I don't see how gettin' beat up by a bunch of chicks every day is gettin' you closer to the meaning of life.

Aram Finklestein: What do you think about kids?

Mitch: I think about makin' 'em all the time.

Duke: My brother loved the land, I loved the sea.

Mitch: Oh. Like surf and turf.

Duke: Ha ha ha.

Mitch: Thought that was funny?

Duke: No, just thinking about what I'd like to do to you.

Glen: There is something wrong with your cow. I reach under there and I'm pulling, tugging, tugging, pulling, nothing, not a drop.

Mitch: The cow's name is Norman. You were pulling on his dick.

Glen: I'm gonna go wash up.

Phil: In case we don't make it and I die first... eat me.

Mitch: Eat you? I don't even like talking to you on the phone.

Phil: Hey, Glen, let me ask you something. Who had Frankie Pentangeli killed?

Mitch: Phil!

[Barbara groans and leaves the room]

Glen: The Rosato brothers.

Phil: Who gave the order?

Mitch: [Hits Phil over the head with a pillow] You stupid dope!

Phil: [laughing] I love this.

Glen: There was this kid I grew up with. He was younger than me. Sort of looked up to me, you know.

Mitch: Glen...

Glen: We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it.

Mitch: I'm going to change.

[as he leaves, he shows Phil the middle finger from behind Glen]

Glen: During Prohibition, we ran molasses to Canada. Made a fortune.

Mitch: [Discreetly] "Ran molasses to Canada." You should run some brains to your head.

Mitch: [Phil has told the radio station psychiatrist his name is 'Kenny' and that the clothes in his closet are his friends. Mitch takes phone] Kenny has to go. He's cooking breakfast for his underwear.

Dr. Jeffrey Sanborn: Who is this?

Mitch: I'm a pair of his socks.

[hangs up]

Mitch: Don't mess with us! We're from New York.

Duke: If you ever talk to me like that again, I'm gonna turn your balls into earrings.

Mitch: Go for it.

Mitch: You ever walk in on our parents doing it?

Glen: No, have you?

Mitch: Yeah.

Glen: That's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.

Mitch: This was last week in Florida!

Glen: Uhh!

Mitch: It was on the kitchen table.

Glen: Uhhh!

Mitch: And an hour later we *ate* on that table!

Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?

Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.

Glen: Ow!

Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.

Mitch: Phil, going back to Arlene is like breaking back in to Alcatraz.

Bud: Hey Phil, listen. I'd think twice before going back to that wife of yours, cause that'd be like sticking your balls in a bear trap.

Mitch: And that would be bad right?

Mitch: Eat you? What a lovely image. "Eat me!" Hey, Glen, I'm still hungry, is there any more Phil? Oooh, pass the Phil. Mmmmm, it's even good cold. Great party, thanks to Phil!

Phil: Alright, so DON'T eat me!

Duke: Jesus Christ, what a bunch of little piss pots.

Duke: 'The hell you lookin' at?

Mitch: I can't get over it. Curly's twin.

Duke: Well get over it. Or I'll turn you into twins.

Mitch: I'm sorry we buried you, but you looked so dead!

Mitch: [after hearing his brother has arrived] Well how is he?

Barbara Robbins: Well, he came in, asked me to make him a sandwich, no crusts, then started making long-distance calls. Of course, first, he did three scenes from "Godfather II".

Phil: He still does that? I love that!

Mitch: Phil, I'm warning you. If you mention "The Godfather" to him, I will rip your arms out of their sockets and beat you to death with them. This started out as such a good birthday!

Phil: What's Glen been up to?

Mitch: He's been up to nothing, he's the Vice President of Lazy. He goes from one family to another until they throw him out, he borrows money..."borrows"? That indicates an intent to repay. He gets jobs that aren't jobs. We only hear from him for change of address calls. I mean he's lost. He's a lost soul, he's a dented can, he's... behind me, isn't he?

[Indeed, Glen is standing right behind Mitch, having heard every word. Phil nods]

Glen: Mitchy, buenos dias!

Mitch: [Shaking his hand] Hello, Glen. How was your sandwich?

Glen: Ah, delightful!

Mitch: Listen, I'm sorry about what I said...

Glen: Ah, water off a duck's back. Come here.

[Hugs him and briefly lifts him off his feet]

Glen: Wow, look at you. You're still the world's smallest big brother.

Mitch: By this time next week I'll be having a romantic dinner with Phil.

Phil: Well, pick a night... because the map is *gone*!

Mitch: [while discussing Phil's troubled love life, Mitch is reminded of something] Speaking of which, did you ever walk in on our parents doing it?

Glen: No.

[pause]

Glen: Why, did you?

Mitch: Yes.

[Glen stops the cart]

Glen: Really?

Mitch: Worst thing I've ever seen.

Glen: Well, that's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.

Mitch: This was three weeks ago in Florida!

Glen: AUGH! Did you walk into the bedroom?

Mitch: This was in the kitchen.

Glen: *AUGH!*

Mitch: Apparently it was spontaneous, too, because Pop still had his hat on. You know that one with the fake grass and a golf ball on it? It was horrible. Wax fruit flying everyplace, the dog barking, my kids' pictures flapping up and down on the refrigerator...

Glen: [ready to vomit] Okay, stop it.

Mitch: [continuing] Pop was working hard.

[as his father]

Mitch: "Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh... ahh, enough of that. Did you take the car in?"

[Glen groans in disgust]

Phil: See, I think that's beautiful.

Mitch: Beautiful? Not from my angle.

Phil: No, two people in love after all those years? That's great!

Mitch: Great? An hour later, we *ATE* on that table.

Phil: [disgusted] EEEUWWW.

Glen: All right, now the sun sets in the East, right?

Mitch: No! The sun sets in the West.

Glen: That's if your *in* the East, but we are way out West now, so we are past where the sun sets.

Mitch: You can't be *passed* where the sun sets, and if you think you can, then I am directly South of an idiot!

Phil: Which is down!

Mitch: Right!

Mitch: Hey, homeless guys!

[Three homeless guys leaning outside Travis Cole's building look up listlessly at him]

Mitch: I'll tell ya what. I'll give you a dollar each if you'll go into this building here and run around yellin' and screamin'.

Homeless Guy: Uh, that's very nice, but I think what you probably need are, like, some psycho, out-of-control homeless guys?

Martin: Yeah, we're more the broken, spiritless, I've-lost-the-will-to-live type homeless guys.

Mitch: How about for two dollars?

Dr. Farthing: I know there's really nobody to blame for this but myself, well, I don't know, maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, or Mr. T or, or the Jets...

Mitch: Wait a minute, Mr T.? Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in Rocky III, and that you bet against Rocky?

Dr. Farthing: Hindsight is twenty-twenty, my friend.

Bearded Lady: Hey, baby. You ever had a chick with a beard before?

Mitch: Can't say that I have there, bearded broad.

Bearded Lady: Well, then, sugar, you haven't lived.

Mitch: Note to self: I don't want to live.

Mitch: [to men who just raped him] You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.

[first lines]

Derek: Hand over the milk money, Weaver.

Mitch: I'm afraid I can't do that, Derek. I'm just not sure you'll spend it on milk.

Frat Guy: [sarcastically] Hey, that was really funny, siccing the cops on us like that!

[Second frat guy behind him says, "Yeah!"]

Mitch: Really? I mean, don't get me wrong, *I* thought it was funny, but I'm surprised *you* guys did, because, uh, you got your asses kicked!

[last lines]

Mitch: [voice-over] Oh, and Dr. Farthing. He got over his gambling problem, but the bookies beat him to death anyway. So, he's dead. That's it. Bye!

Kathy: You guys are brothers?

Mitch: Well, it's a long story...

Sam: My dad boned his mom.

Mitch: Okay, it's a short story.

Mitch: Okay, settle down, prostitutes. Now, understand that you each get twenty dollars, and this requires no sex, no sex at all, regardless of what this character tells you.

[motions to Sam]

Mitch: I've never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!

Bystander: Lord knows I have.

[at Mazetti's bar]

Mitch: Yeah, well, things could be worse, you know. I could have got my nose bit off by a Saigon whore!

[Jimmy slowly turns to face the camera and blows smoke from his cigarette, exposing his scarred nose]

Jimmy: [shouts] You bastard!

Mitch: Hey, I'm just messin' with you, Jimmy. I saw you down there. Hey, Mazetti, get Jimmy a beer on me.

Jimmy: [laughs] Okay. It's all right.

Travis Cole: What are you doing? You're ruining Don Giovanni!

Mitch: Don Giovanni? Who's that dude?

Travis Cole: The opera! You're ruining the opera!

Mitch: Oh, the opera. Yes, yes, we are ruining that.

Mitch: Note to self: Making love to blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

Mitch: There's two kinds of people in this world: Those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping.

Kathy: Where'd you come up with that theory?

Mitch: That famous guy said it. What's his name? Uh... Oh, yeah: Jesus!

[Sam and Mitch have learned that they are half-brothers]

Mitch: Hey, hey! Hey, you remember in 5th grade when I was under the monkey bars and I sneaked a peek at your sister's underwear? Remember that? Hey, no no! I was sneaking a peek at my *own* sister's underwear!

Sam: That's right! Yeah, and then remember in the 12th grade, you had sex with her?

Mitch: [short awkward silence] Okay, enough reminisicing.

Sam: Well, Mitch, looks like we got ourselves a fight, huh?

Mitch: Great, it's fightin' time! Can I be on their side?

Mitch: Note to self: learn to fight.

Mitch: Note to self: Remember no matter how bad life gets, there is always beer!

[Mitch and Sam screen a movie called "Men in Black Who Like to Have Sex With Each Other" to get revenge against Mr. Hamilton]

Screen Voice #1: Look! An alien!

Screen Voice #2: Yeah. We'd better have sex with each other.

[Sam discreetly looks at the screen]

Mitch: Note to self: Sam just looked at the screen.

Sam: No, I didn't! I was just making sure that the reel had...!

Screen Voice #1: Hey! This alien looks just like a hot guy!

Screen Voice #2: You're right. We'd better have sex with him.

Sam: So, you mean to tell me that that sweet girl's grandmother runs a whorehouse out of the building we're about to destroy?

Mitch: Yeah, I feel awful doing this to Kathy.

Sam: Hey, uh, Mitch, you're really starting to like this Kathy, aren't ya?

Mitch: [with a huge, smirking grin] Nooooooo.

Sam: Mitch, I know you, man. When you say "no" like that, you really mean yes.

Mitch: What are ya talking about?

Sam: Watch, I'll show you. Mitch, uh, did you ever rob a bank?

Mitch: [definitely] No.

Sam: Did you ever climb Mount Everest?

Mitch: [more definitely] No.

Sam: Did you ever say that you can see why women find Sean Connery sexy?

Mitch: [with a huge, smirking grin] Nooooooo. - Okay, so I like Kathy a little bit. Man, I hate the fact that we have to destroy her grandmother's building.

[pause]

Mitch: But we have to.

Sam: Yep.

[They jump into the car]

Mitch: [after putting super glue on his butt to get revenge on a crossing guard who grabbed all the kids' asses] Look, everybody, look! Crossing guard has his hand on 8 year-old's ass over here! Look! Crossing guard has his hand on 8-year-old's ass over here!

Mitch: Note to self: remember to get ass wart cream for giant wart on my ass.

Mitch: Ha ha! You didn't count on my loyal army of prostitutes, did you?

Mitch: Sam, are you pissing off the side of the building?

Sam: Sorta.

Mitch: Good news, Mr. McKenna!

Pops: All right, boys! Bring on the whore!

Mitch: No, it's not a whore - we're gonna get you the fifty thousand dollars for your heart transplant!

Pops: Well, that's good too.

Mitch: Well, at least I didn't get my nose bitten off by a Saigon whore!

Mitch: Dr. Farthing, what happened to your arm?

Dr. Farthing: Well, it was either from sleeping on it the wrong way or bookmakers throwing me out of a speeding car.

Travis Cole: Mitch, Sam. What a pleasant surprise.

Sam: Yeah. Where's our money?

Travis Cole: [feigning confusion] What money?

Mitch: You owe us $50,000 for getting the building at 99 Franklin Street condemned. We want it now!

Travis Cole: But, Mitch, I don't even own the building at 99 Franklin. Well, I told you I did, but I lied. Good luck trying to prove it.

Sam: Son of a bitch!

Travis Cole: You see, once you stopped my bulldozer from leveling that old lady's house, I couldn't just let you get away with it. So I figured out a way for you to help me and hurt you at the same time. I guess I showed you guys a thing or two about dirty work.

Sam: Yeah, whatever, but we're not leaving here 'til we get our fifty grand.

Mitch: Hey, Sam, movie line!

Sam: [Sam wriggles down his pants and pushes his arse against the open window to moon a line of movie-goers from the car] Whoo-hoooo! How ya like THAT!

[Mitch stops the car next to the curb and walks across the street, away from the car, leaving Sam mooning the crowd. Sam, humiliated, pulls his trousers back up and exits the car]

Sam: He was supposed to keep driving.

[Sam chases after Mitch]

Pops: You didn't tell him, did you?

Mitch: Oh, no, no.

Pops: Thanks.

Mitch: But look, I still want to, and I, I can't promise you that I won't.

[Pops reaches forward. Mitch remembers when Pops grabbed his groin in a blackmail maneuvre earlier and lunges for the floor with a yell]

Pops: I'm just getting my photo album! What are you so jumpy about?

Mitch: I don't know. Maybe it's your, your lifelong pattern of random assault.

Mitch: Sam, tonight we make a wad of cash for doing something that comes natural to us, you know? Revenge! I'm telling you, we should open a revenge-for-hire business.

Sam: I never heard of a revenge-for-hire business.

Mitch: Exactly - we'd be the first! With every genius business idea, there's gotta be a first. Like, like the guy who first thought of delivering pizza to people's houses. Or, uh, the guy who invented crack.

Sam: Who's gonna hire us?

Mitch: Oh, Sam, I have a feeling that people are gonna pay us a lot of money to do their dirty work.

Mitch: Okay, Cole. Well, it's been nice doing business with you. Now you probably want to go home and kick back and enjoy a nice, tall, cold glass of chihuahua piss or something.

Mitch: [after finding out Kathy works at a car dealership] Are you a dirty car salesman?

Kathy: No, I'm a dirty accountant.

Mitch: You know what prisoners do? In prison?

Mitch: Are those prostitutes? I mean, who are those girls?

Mitch: Oh, my God! It's a picture of you and my mom! And you're having sex!

[Mitch's girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, is throwing all of his belongings out on to the sidewalk. As he approaches their apartment, he notices that many strangers are wearing or are putting on his shirts. A bit later, he recognizes one of his shirts on a man walking down the street]

Mitch: Hey, that's my shirt; you're wearing my shirt!

[the man takes off his shirt, revealing an extremely hairy chest and back]

Mitch: [recoiling in horror] UGH!

Fat, Hairy Guy: Here ya go.

Mitch: No, no, no, I was talking to someone else... who is different... than you.

[Kathy enters the Dirty Work headquarters, where Mitch is deep in thought]

Kathy: [flirtatiously] What havoc are you planning to wreak now?

Mitch: Kathy! What are you doing here?

Kathy: Um, actually I was looking for you. I saw how you and your friend saved that woman's house.

[giggles]

Kathy: Guess it turns out you can use your powers for good as well as evil.

Mitch: [Mitch, as narrator, reminiscing about getting even with a mean babysitter when he was a child] Looking at this picture still makes me horny. I mean wistful! It makes me wistful!

Kathy: So... Would you like to come in for some coffee?

Mitch: No no. Uh, I can't. I have to lift weights? What?

Mitch: [referring to Hamilton] That guy's gonna be our boss? Man! After a speech like that, how does he expect us not to screw him over?

Theater Worker: I said the same thing during my first day working for Hamilton, only that nobody does anything about it.

Mitch: Well trust me and this isn't just talk, but nobody screws me over like that.

Sam: Yeah, me neither.

Theater Worker: Sorry, guys. I can't help you out. I need this job. But if you really screw over Hamilton, I'll give you ten bucks.

Theater Worker: Mark me down for twenty!

[Richard explains to the board of directors the sign that cited the deli clerk as employee of the month for "cutting the cheese."]

Richard: 'Cutting the cheese' simply means 'cutting the actual cheese'. It doesn't have a double-thing? So I just missed it. Because in Canada, it's 'cracking'.

Mitch: The expression.

Richard: It's 'cracking', in Canada, yeah. We crack the cheese.

[Long pause between Richard and the board of directors]

Richard: Cracking it? Cracking the cheese? So I simply, really believed that Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award... for cutting the actual cheese. I'm sorry.

[Another long pause as a board member writes Richard's comments]

Richard: I simply believed Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award...

Mitch: I heard you the first time.

[after giving his apology speech at a community center following his incident with a gang at the supermarket, Doug meets with Richard, the board of directors and the community leaders]

First Community Leader: I think everybody is feeling pretty good about it.

Richard: Yeah.

First Community Leader: It's isolated.

Richard: Oh yeah, it's a one-time thing.

First Community Leader: What's that?

Richard: I agree, it's isolated. I think it was just some 'black apples'. We won't be seeing that happen again.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader: Black apples.

Richard: What's that?

First Community Leader: You said, 'black apples'?

[Another long pause]

Richard: I said bad ones...?

First Community Leader: The fuck you said bad.

Richard: Bad apples?

First Community Leader: You said black.

Richard: I'm sorry if there's some confusion. Maybe in the confusion, I...

Mitch: Hey, come on. It's been a long day. That was a slip.

First Community Leader: This is a lot of shit.

Richard: You are not a black apple to me. I said, that possibly, there was one black one in the batch, not you. And I didn't mean to say black. I meant 'back'... 'blatch', blah... 'blapples'.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader: Where'd you get this fucker?

[the community leaders walk away as Mitch follows them]

Mitch: Let's catch up outside. I'll hit you with some gift certificates.

Hardy: Hey, Mr. Wehlner.

Richard: Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?

Hardy: I'm doing good.

Richard: What did you do last night?

Hardy: I went to the movies with my sister.

Richard: You did?

Hardy: Yeah.

Richard: That sounds awesome.

Hardy: Guess what?

Richard: What?

Hardy: I'm growing a mustache.

Richard: All right. That's cool.

[offers a handshake]

Richard: Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.

Hardy: Thanks.

Richard: Keep it up.

[as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him]

Doug Stauber: What's going on?

Richard: Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?

Doug Stauber: Why?

Richard: These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.

[Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard]

Richard: Hey!

[Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance]

Mitch: Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

Mitch's Sidekick: So it's 50 inches. How much that cost you?

Mitch: Like, three grand.

Mitch's Sidekick: Oh, that's not bad.

Tim: You're kidding, right?

Mitch: Excuse me...

Tim: Three thousand dollars for a TV? Ever heard of books?

Mitch: No, we didn't have those at Harvard.

Vince: Can you keep a secret?

Mitch: Yeah.

Vince: So can I.

Aunt Sofia: You still want to kill people?

Mitch: Na, they're too stupid.

Aunt Sofia: You're telling me - your grandfather's marrying the Bermuda Triangle!

Mitch: [at the funeral] So, Grandpa, how come you didn't come to the church?

Vince: God makes me nervous when you get him indoors - besides, I don't like to see people in their coffins. They always look so much smaller without their spirits.

Mitch: Don't let Grace "Yoko" The Suburbans.

John Q. Archibald: [in the waiting area of the emergency room] Who was driving?

Mitch: Huh?

John Q. Archibald: The car. Who was driving?

Mitch: I was. What's that got to do with anything?

John Q. Archibald: Why's your girl all banged up and you're not?

Mitch: What do you call this?

[shows light scratches on arm]

Lester: [laughs]

Mitch: What are you laughing at?

Lester: Somebody get this fool a band-aid. I don't want you to bleed to death.

Mitch: Screw you man. This shit hurts.

Julie Bird: His airbag went off and mine didn't.

John Q. Archibald: What kind of car do you drive?

Mitch: Mercedes 500.

John Q. Archibald: You drive a Mercedes 500? Oh. What year?

Mitch: 1986. It's a classic.

John Q. Archibald: Mercedes didn't make passenger side air-bags til 1988.

Lester: [laughs] *Busted!*

Max Conlin: [after collecting signatures for his will from the others] So what? Are you just gonna go in there and "off" yourself?

John Q. Archibald: Only one thing is gonna stop me.

Max Conlin: Yeah, and what is that?

John Q. Archibald: [standing up, jokingly] If Mitch is B positive.

Mitch: Oh Hell no. Uh-uh. No way baby.

[Everybody laughs]

John Q. Archibald: See you in the funny papers.

[after Julie pepper sprays Mitch after his fight with John in the waiting area of the emergency room]

Mitch: YOU STUPID BITCH!

Julie Bird: [kicks Mitch on the side] That's for beating the shit out of me!

Julie Bird: [kicks Mitch again] That is for being an asshole! And this, this is for calling me a bitch!

[she kicks him in the groin]

Lester: [as he and the staff laugh] Oo I felt that one!

Julie Bird: [taking off her blond wig] I'm not gonna be your Barbie any more!

Lester: All that ass and muscles to go with it! Man, I knew damn well that wasn't no blonde!

Mitch: [while handcuffed by John to the radiator in the waiting area of the emergency room] This country man, can't go anywhere without getting' mugged, or murdered or stabbed. Kids killin' their classmates, drivebys, ya know, I won't even go into a post office any more.

Steve Maguire: [sitting in a chair] Shut up, Mitch.

Dr. Turner: [standing in front of them] No, you shut up. I hate the little bastard but he's right. You know how easy it is to get a gun in the country? In five minutes, boom, gun show.

Mitch: [answering the phone] Is this my little croissant?

Slim: No, it's your loaf of bread.

Mitch: All right, man against woman. Is that really fair?

Slim: Fair for whom?

Mitch: You'll never see Gracie again.

Slim: You never will.

Slim: Are you scared?

Mitch: Of what?

Slim: Of me.

[Slim has just talked to Mitch's mother]

Mitch: Whatever happened to privacy?

Slim: Well, I guess it's dead, along with chivalry and fidelity.

Mitch: You wanna fight me, man to man?

Slim: Woman, Mitch.

Slim: Self-defense is not murder.

Mitch: You don't have the guts.

Slim: I'm your wife and you cannot do this to me anymore!

Mitch: [slaps her] What? I can't hit you?

Slim: No you can't!

Mitch: [punches her in the face] You want to fight? I'm a man, honey. It's no contest. You have to understand, Slim, and I thought you did. I make the money here, so I set the rules, right? It's my rules. You with me?

Slim: It's your rules.

Mitch: Yeah.

Slim: What if I don't like the rules?

Mitch: If you don't like them? Well come on Sweetie, life isn't just stuff we like, is it? We have to take the good with the bad, don't we? That's what marriage is. So today for you, maybe it's a bad day, but tomorrow may be great.

Slim: Tomorrow will be great.

Mitch: You know, love is a scary thing. How powerful it is, what it does to you. That's what happened here. You see, if I ever think of... I just, I can't... I *refuse* to live without you. I think you understand what I'm saying.

Mitch: Do you have any idea how bad things can get?

Slim: Educate me.

Mitch: Slim, I'm a determined man. I was determined to have you, and I did. This house. My company. I am, and always will be, a person who gets what he wants.

Mitch: Hey, what are you doing all suited up?

Mitch: I like you to be exactly the way that you are, because in all my experience, I have never known anyone like you.

[Blanche laughs suddenly]

Mitch: Poker should not be played in a house with women.

Blanche DuBois: I can't stand a naked light bulb, any more than I can a rude remark or a vulgar action.

Mitch: I guess we must strike you as being a pretty rough bunch.

Blanche DuBois: I'm very adaptable to circumstances.

Blanche DuBois: Tarantula was the name of it. I stayed at a hotel called the Tarantula Arms.

Mitch: Tarantula Arms?

Blanche DuBois: Yes, a big spider. That's where I brought my victims. Yes, I've had many meetings with strangers.

Stanley Kowalski: You're gonna kill who, you dumb jerk? You don't even know when you get wised up. Come on.

Mitch: You don't have to wise me up.

Mitch: Oh I don't mind you being older than what I thought. But all the rest of it. That pitch about your ideals being so old-fashioned and all the malarkey that you've been dishin' out all summer. Oh, I knew you weren't sixteen anymore. But I was fool enough to believe you was straight."

Blanche DuBois: Marry me, Mitch.

Mitch: No, I don't think I want to marry you anymore... No, you're not clean enough to bring into the house with my mother.

Stanley Kowalski: Hey MIIIITCH!

Mitch: COMIIING!

Blanche DuBois: Gracious! What lung power!

Brandon Lang: [in Brandon's office while looking at his pick sheet] What's your mother's name?

Mitch: Shelia.

Brandon Lang: What street did you grow up on?

Mitch: Atlantic Avenue

Brandon Lang: Who do you like Monday night?

Mitch: I don't know.

Brandon Lang: Pick one.

Mitch: That's your job.

Brandon Lang: I'll do your job tomorrow, today you do mine, who do you like Monday night?

Mitch: What are you talking about?

Brandon Lang: Seattle versus New Orleans, stop stalling who do you like?

Mitch: I guess Seattle, plus the two points

Brandon Lang: Over or under?

Mitch: No you can't do that

Brandon Lang: No I can do that, over or under? Its forty four points

Mitch: Over

Brandon Lang: [Hands him the pick sheet] Seattle in the over, nice

Mitch: I'm not going to turn that in there's like a million dollars riding on that game

Brandon Lang: There's like a whole lot more than that, we all know I can pick, today I'm picking you and the outcome will be the same

Ned Rifle: I'm looking for a friend of mine who I think used to work here. An older guy named Henry.

Mitch: Henry?

Ned Rifle: Loud mouth.

Mitch: Trouble maker?

Ned Rifle: Drunkard.

Mitch: Thief?

Ned Rifle: Ego maniac.

Mitch: Sex fiend?

Ned Rifle: That's him.

Mitch: Haven't you figured it out? They've come to collect... there's no way out. We fucked up.

Gilbert: What the hell happened to Mitch?

[last lines]

Mitch: Help! I can't move I can't... can't!

Gilbert: MITCH, SAY SOMETHING MAN!

[Sees Mitch being devoured]

Gilbert: I don't want to die with a dick on my face!

[first lines]

Josi: [Josi and Mitch having sex] Oh, my god! Who's your princess? Who's your princess? Who's your princess?

Mitch: [Josi pinches his nipples] Ahh! You are... princess Josi.

Josi: That's right... and princess Josi needs excitement.

Mitch: Do we have to do this role-crap-playing all the time? I'm tired of being firemen, escaped convicts or horny paperboys...

Josi: What? You just wanna have sex with me? Ist that it?

Mitch: [Josi pinches his nipples even harder] Yes... no... I-I... no... yeah.

Josi: Let me spell it out for you: Right now I am a princess. Princess needs excitement. Screwing footballplayers is boring. You, Mitch, are footballplayer. Comprende? Right now princess wants a blacksmith. Princess wants a dirty, sweaty, hot, rough blacksmith.

Mitch: You know, I read something a long time ago: Follow the rainbow... but don't wait for the gold to be in it.

Dan: Look for the silver in between. Yeah, I know - I went to school once, too. Say, what are you? Are you some kind of do-gooder or something? You want to save my soul, Mister?

Mitch: No, I want a few men with anger and guts enough to follow that rainbow and grab a pot full of gold - not petty silver in-between.

Dan: You know somethin'? The way you plan things, sorta slow and careful - you must want that money real bad.

Mitch: Not as much as I once wanted a dollar and eighty-seven cents.

[Mitch points his pistol at Sheriff Olson]

Sheriff Olson: Mitch, don't. You're crazy! You don't-you don't know what you're doing!

Mitch: Ellie screamed. Why don't you scream?

[discussing the man Mitch, unknown to the rancher, murdered]

Rancher: Sorry, Mitch. I know how you felt about Ole.

Mitch: No, I don't think so. No one will ever know that.

Mitch: Well, everything's set on his end. Now we tie up the other end.

Dan: Where's that?

Mitch: The border - Royce City.

Dan: That hellhole? There's nothing there but lice!

Mitch: That's what we're looking for, isn't it - human lice?

Dan: Present company not excepted?

Mitch: My name's Mitch Barrett. I'd like to talk to you.

Stu Christian: Don't recall askin' to listen.

Mitch: You'll listen and be glad you did for twenty thousand in gold.

Stu Christian: Mister, when you talk, you talk big!

Julia Reynolds: We're in love. That's what he went into town to tell you. When he finds out you're not there, he'll come back, Mitch.

Mitch: He'll find out other things, too. Stu and Ivers are dead.

Julia Reynolds: Dead! How? With you leading the posse, Mitch, how?

Mitch: With me leading the posse.

Dan: How are you going to live now? How are you going to live without anybody to hate?

Mitch: I got a hundred thousand dollars. I don't need anybody.