Bob Roland Quotes in Duck Soup (1933)

Rufus T. Firefly: Take a letter.

Bob Roland: Who to?

Rufus T. Firefly: To my dentist.

[Roland writes out the following]

Rufus T. Firefly: Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.

Bob Roland: I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.

Rufus T. Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.

Rufus T. Firefly: Where's my Stradivarius?

Officer: Here, sir.

Rufus T. Firefly: I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with old Firefly!

[he pulls a tommygun out of his violin case and opens fire]

Rufus T. Firefly: Look at 'em run! Now they know they've been in a war!

Bob Roland: Your Excellency!

Rufus T. Firefly: Hahahahahaha, they're fleeing like rats!

Bob Roland: But sir, I've got to tell you...

Rufus T. Firefly: Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this!

[he fires again]

Bob Roland: Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men!

[Firefly fires again]

Rufus T. Firefly: What?

Bob Roland: You're shooting your own men!

Rufus T. Firefly: Here's $5, keep it under your hat.

[holds out his hat to take the $5 back]

Rufus T. Firefly: Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat.

Bob Roland: Message from the front, sir.

Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?

Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.

Rufus T. Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate baking soda and a half a glass of water.

Bob Roland: We've got to get rid of that man at once. Now I've got a plan. You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you... and we'll force him to leave the country.

Rufus T. Firefly: That's a swell plan... why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?

Bob Roland: Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face.

Rufus T. Firefly: Why didn't Vera slap your face?

Bob Roland: She did.

Rufus T. Firefly: What'd you say to her?

[Roland whispers it in his ear. Firefly slaps his face]

Rufus T. Firefly: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story?

Bob Roland: Why, you told it to me.

Rufus T. Firefly: Oh yes, I remember. I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.

Bob Roland: This letter's the work of Trentino. The man is trying to undermine you. Now what are you going to do about it?

Rufus T. Firefly: I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.

Rufus T. Firefly: [trying to decide if Chicolini, Firefly, Pinky, or Bob Roland will make a suicidal run into no-mans-land to get help] One of us has got to go get word to General Cooper and his men. One of us has got to go and risk his life for his country!

Bob Roland: Let's draw straws.

Chicolini: No! I gots an idea. We have a runspot to see who we choose to go. Okay, here we go. Rrrrrrringspot! One-sa, two-sa, zig-zag-zav, poptie, gimmega, tin-lie, tav, harem, scarem, moychan, tarem, tare, tore...

[realizes that he's about to land on himself]

Chicolini: I did it wrong. Wait, wait, wait... I start here! Rrrrrrringspot! One-sa, two-sa, zig-zag-zav, poptie, gimmega, tin-lie, tav, harem, scarem, moychan, tarem, tare, tore...

[realizes he's about to land on himself again]

Chicolini: That's a-no good too! Oh, I got it! Rrrringspot, BUCK!

[points to Pinky]

Chicolini: Good luck!

Rufus T. Firefly: Lieutenant, why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?

Bob Roland: Why, uh, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, your excellency.

Rufus T. Firefly: You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?