Chicolini Quotes in Duck Soup (1933)

Rufus T. Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Chicolini: I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

Prosecutor: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.

Prosecutor: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars!

Chicolini: Dollars! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollars, Taxes!

Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?

Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.

Chicolini: Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.

Ambassador Trentino: Now, Chicolini, I want a full detailed report of your investigation.

Chicolini: All right, I tell you. Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, but we fool him, we no show up. Thursday it was a double-header, nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.

Lemonade Vendor: I'll teach you to kick me!

Chicolini: You don't have to teach me, I know how!

[He kicks him]

Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency! I thought you'd left.

Chicolini: [Impersonating Rufus T. Firefly] Oh, no, I no leave.

Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!

Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?

Rufus T. Firefly: Hey! Do you want to be a public nuisance?

Chicolini: Sure! How much does the job pay?

Rufus T. Firefly: How would you like a job in the mint?

Chicolini: Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh, what other flavor you got?

Rufus T. Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.

Chicolini: What job?

Rufus T. Firefly: Secretary of War.

Chicolini: All right, I take it.

Rufus T. Firefly: Sold.

Ambassador Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?

Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.

Ambassador Trentino: Oh really?

Chicolini: Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

Ambassador Trentino: But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly. Did you bring me his record?

[Pinky hands him a gramophone record]

Ambassador Trentino: No, no!

[Trentino flings the record away like a clay pigeon skeet. Pinky takes out a rifle and blasts it out of the air. Chicolini rings a bell on the desk and awards Pinky a cigar]

Chicolini: And the boy gets a cigar!

Rufus T. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think, I think we should have a standing army.

Rufus T. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

First Judge: That sort of testimony we can eliminate.

Chicolini: Atsa fine. I'll take some.

First Judge: You'll take what?

Chicolini: Eliminate. A nice, cold glass eliminate.

Rufus T. Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?

Chicolini: I've done it already.

Rufus T. Firefly: You've done what?

Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.

Rufus T. Firefly: So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?

Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.

Chicolini: Here, have a cigar.

[it's only a stub]

Chicolini: That's a good quarter cigar. I smoke the other 3/4 myself.

Ambassador Trentino: You didn't shadow Firefly?

Chicolini: Oh, sure we shadow Firefly - we shadow him all day.

Ambassador Trentino: But what day was that?

Chicolini: Shadowday!

[laughs loudly]

Chicolini: That's-a some joke, eh, boss?

[Trentino buries his face in his hands]

Chicolini: Mister you no understand. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy, he work-a for me. I want him to find out-a something, but he no find out what I wanna find out. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out if he no find out what I gotta find out?

Rufus T. Firefly: Chicolini, I need you badly right now. What'll you take to come back and work for me again?

Chicolini: I'll take a vacation.

Rufus T. Firefly: Good, you're hired.

Rufus T. Firefly: Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.

Chicolini: Eleven.

Rufus T. Firefly: Right!

Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?

Chicolini: I don't-a remember. I was just a little baby.

Prosecutor: Isn't it true you tried to sell Freedonia's secret war code and plans?

Chicolini: Sure, I sold a code and two pair of plans.

Rufus T. Firefly: [trying to decide if Chicolini, Firefly, Pinky, or Bob Roland will make a suicidal run into no-mans-land to get help] One of us has got to go get word to General Cooper and his men. One of us has got to go and risk his life for his country!

Bob Roland: Let's draw straws.

Chicolini: No! I gots an idea. We have a runspot to see who we choose to go. Okay, here we go. Rrrrrrringspot! One-sa, two-sa, zig-zag-zav, poptie, gimmega, tin-lie, tav, harem, scarem, moychan, tarem, tare, tore...

[realizes that he's about to land on himself]

Chicolini: I did it wrong. Wait, wait, wait... I start here! Rrrrrrringspot! One-sa, two-sa, zig-zag-zav, poptie, gimmega, tin-lie, tav, harem, scarem, moychan, tarem, tare, tore...

[realizes he's about to land on himself again]

Chicolini: That's a-no good too! Oh, I got it! Rrrringspot, BUCK!

[points to Pinky]

Chicolini: Good luck!

Ambassador Trentino: Chicolini, your partner has deserted you but I'm still counting on you. There is a machine gun nest near Hill 28. I want it cleaned out.

Chicolini: All right, I'll tell the janitor.

Chicolini: [to Rufus T. Firefly] Peanuts to you!

Chicolini: [sees Firefly giving water to the ailing Mrs. Teasdale] Hey, careful with the water! It's the only water we got!

Rufus T. Firefly: Well, it's the only woman we've got!

Chicolini: Well, you remember you gave us a picture of this man and said, 'Follow him?'

Ambassador Trentino: Oh, yes.

Chicolini: Well, we get on-a the job right away and in the one hour - even-a less than one hour...

Ambassador Trentino: Yes?

Chicolini: We lose-a the picture. That's-a pretty quick work, eh?

Rufus T. Firefly: Now, what is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Chicolini: Atsa good one. I give you three guesses.

Rufus T. Firefly: Now let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia... Is it male or female?

Chicolini: No, I no think so.

Rufus T. Firefly: Is he dead?

Chicolini: Who?

Rufus T. Firefly: I don't know. I give up.

Chicolini: I give up, too.

[answering the phone in Firefly's office]

Chicolini: Hello? No, not yet. All right, I tell him. Good-a-bye.

[He hangs up]

Chicolini: That was for you again.

Rufus T. Firefly: I wonder whatever became of me? I should have been back here a long time ago.

Prosecutor: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you'll be shot.

Chicolini: I object.

Prosecutor: You object? On what grounds?

Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Rufus T. Firefly: Objection sustained.

Prosecutor: Your Excellency, you sustain the objection?

Rufus T. Firefly: Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?

Ambassador Trentino: Now will you tell me what happened on Saturday?

Chicolini: I'm glad you ask me. We follow this man down to a roadhouse, and at this roadhouse he meet a married lady.

Ambassador Trentino: A married lady?

Chicolini: Yeah, I think it was his wife.

Ambassador Trentino: Firefly has no wife!

Chicolini: No?

Ambassador Trentino: No!

Chicolini: Then you know what I think, boss?

Ambassador Trentino: What?

Chicolini: I think-a we follow the wrong man.

Rufus T. Firefly: Look at Chicolini. He sits there alone, an abject figure...

Chicolini: [immediately] I abject!

Vera Marcal: Oh, for heaven's sake, whatever you do, don't make a sound! If you found, you lost!

Chicolini: Oh, you craze. How can I be lost if I'm found?

Rufus T. Firefly: Chicolini, I need you badly right now. What'll ya' take to come back and work for me again?

Chicolini: I'll take a vacation.

Rufus T. Firefly: Good. You're hired!... Now, go out on that battlefield and lead those men to victory. Go on, they're waiting for you!

Chicolini: I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things, go up and down like this... What do you call-a those things?

Rufus T. Firefly: Tanks.

Chicolini: You're welcome!

Ambassador Trentino: Chicolini, your partner's deserted us, but I'm still counting on you. There's a machine gun nest near Hill 28. I want it cleaned out.

Chicolini: Alright, I tell the janitor.

Trentino's Blonde Secretary: [Secretary to Ambassador Trentino enters office, holding a telegram] A telegram for you, Ambassador.

Chicolini: [Pinky grabs the telegram, glances at it, becomes very angry, tears the telegram up into small bits of paper and hurls them to the floor] He gets mad because he can't read.